Fred 5/5

Laura and Carl are walking Fred through a field. Carl mentions that Reverend Alden didn’t seem to demonstrate the compassion and understanding he was advocating earlier. Laura decides that she is just going to have to abandon the animal. Fred looks resolute in this decision. Or sleepy. Or hungry? His face is difficult to read. Fred is an enigma. Laura waffles at her own decision, convinced that someone has to love the animal. “Like Pa would,” Carl says, “with biscuits and gravy.” Hehe. Laura removes the rope from the goat’s collar and sets Fred free. He scampers away while Laura holds back tears. Carl says she did the right thing as they walk back towards town.

That night me see Fred chomping on some grass in a storage shed. Sleeping on the ground nearby is Mr. Janks. The man rolls over and hears a loud belch. He wakes up and investigates, finding a rather gassy Fred in his wagon. FRED STOLE FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS and a significant amount of the grass that Charles sold to Janks.

The next morning we see the Ingalls family riding back to the homestead after church. Caroline comments that the Reverend’s sermon was particularly fiery this morning. Apparently the topic switched to the wages of sin. I wonder if Fred hit a few inches to the left would the topic have dealt with Sodom and Gomorrah?

Charles parks the wagon and notices that Janks’s wagon is approaching. Neither Caroline nor Charles is happy to see him. Janks explains that he needs more rushes and is willing to pay good money for them. Charles asks what happened to the last batch. The businessman claims that the grass was eaten and trampled by an “evil, monstrous goat.” What’s with all the supposed malevolence? It's. a. GOAT. All of Fred's behavior is rather consistent with his character. As the Ingalls family holds back from laughing, Janks goes on to say that he is liable to lose his shirt if he can’t deliver on the grass order to some guy in Kansas City. “I think you’d look good without a shirt,” Charles says. First, wrong. Second, when did Charles become such a flirty Gertie? Anyway, Janks offers Ingalls eight dollars for the same workload as before. Charles responds that he would only consider the job if it was twelve dollars in advance. Good job, Charles is learning! Janks balks at this, but Charles says he is happy to raise the price to thirteen. Janks panics and pays Charles the twelve dollars saying that this will be the last time they do business. This doesn’t seem to bother Ingalls.

After Janks leaves, Laura loudly declares that Fred must have been the culprit. She claims it’s a new trick since Fred did a good thing. Laura might benefit from some reading about relativism. Laura tries to push the argument that this is a good reason to keep Fred and therefore she should be allowed to keep the goat. Charles tries to explain that that isn’t what he meant, but he can’t seem to find the words. I have one: extortion. Caroline tries to bat for Laura saying his deal had no strings attached. Mary mentions that Fred ate her essay (so that explains why Mary didn’t like him) and Carrie says, “ILIKEFRED.” Charles relents and Laura goes to find her goat.

Laura runs through the fields calling out Fred’s name. Y’know, Half-Pint, if you just bend over Fred will find you almost instantly. She continues with her strategy. After several minutes of running and “Fred!”, Laura ends up in another expansive field. She finds a rock to sit on and gets all Alice in Wonderland about her lost goat. She hears some bleating and sees a goat in the distance. She hugs Fred and tries to lead him away by the horn. He runs off and joins a tribe of nanny goats. The slide trombone gets all “Sexy Time” as Fred checks out ladies’ night. Laura realizes she can’t compete and is happy that Fred won’t be the last of his kind.

Fred 4/5

Caroline feeds the chickens while Charles and Mr. Janks chat about swamp grass. Janks picks up a few tufts and declares them “tolerable, tolerable.” Since the grass passed a rigorous inspection, Charles asks for his payment. Janks puts his thumbs under his armpits – that's a bad sign. He offers Charles five dollars even though the original deal was for eight. Janks claims the price for grass went down so his price also goes down. Charles is pissed, but Janks says that with nothing in writing Ingalls has to take it or leave it. Charles throws a tantrum but Caroline runs over to stop him. Janks waves the money at Ingalls and after a few seconds of grousing Charles accepts the deal. Thank goodness the Ingalls family isn’t litigious or we would probably see one of them every couple of days on The People’s Court.

Laura and Carl are walking back to the still carrying a bag of oats. They discuss various places where they can shop Fred around. We hear belching followed by a slide trombone. Oh no! Fred’s discovered jazz! Oh wait, he’s just drunk from whatever Mr. Edwards was brewing. Laura determines that the goat is sick, even though Fred is just standing in place staring blankly like he usually does. I don’t think Laura should pursue a career in veterinary medicine. The two kids spin the goat around a couple of times as they figure out which way to take him back to town. The booze must not be that strong since Fred doesn’t boot.

The kids enter Doc Baker’s office with Fred. Doc finishes washing his hands and does a double take when he sees the goat, which belches again. “Laura, Carl, you know better than to bring a goat in here,” he lectures in a tone that suggests that this may not be the first time this has happened. Laura pleads with Doc, telling him that the goat has been poisoned. He thinks for a tic before he closes the door, locks it, and pulls the shades because he doesn’t want people to know he’s treating a goat. He treats other animals and the Oleson kids, why would this be a problem?

Outside, Grace Edwards drops off a package on the Doctor’s stoop. Mr. Edwards walks by and the two go to lunch. Inside, Baker is examining Fred’s eye when the goat burps again. Baker starts to sniff and comes up with his diagnosis – the goat’s drunk. The kids are surprised by this news. Doc Baker opens the door and tells the kids to take Fred and get out. Doc spots the package that Grace dropped off and bends over to pick it up. The camera zooms in on Fred’s eye before we see Doc Baker charge towards the stream. The techie in me needs to point out that this is a really sloppy edit since Fred is nowhere near Doc Baker’s hiney.

The Edwards couple hears the splash and goes to check on the doctor who is now in a foul mood. Jeez, everyone in town has a severe case of the Mondays. As he stomps back to his office, Baker yells to keep the drunken goat away from him. Grace laughs at this before she checks out the goat. It burps again and she reels back from the stench. She declares the goat as drunk as a lumberjack on payday. That doesn’t sound like any lumberjacks I know. Hmph. Anyway, Grace asks the kids how the goat got drunk and Carl starts to spill the beans about his Pa’s “thinking place.” Busted!

Grace switches her attention from the goat that butted Doc Baker to the goat that she married. Fred shows no remorse, causing Edwards to threaten to make roast goat if he sees Fred again. I kinda like how this animal is turning into the Hawaiian Tiki of Walnut Grove. Is Vincent Price in our future?

Carl suggests that Laura just abandon the goat somewhere. She doesn’t like this idea one bit. “God,” Carl says, though not in an exasperated way. “God takes care of everything.” This gives Laura the idea to consult Reverend Alden. The kids walk over to the school/infirmary/playhouse/church to see if the preacher is in. Carl spots him through a window. The two of them lead Fred inside.

Reverend Alden wipes down the desks as he practices his sermon. The subject, coincidentally enough, is “All Creatures Great and Small.” As soon as he finishes with his Bible recitation about how man owns and operates EVERYTHING, the kids loudly “AHEM” to get Alden’s attention. Alden is surprised by their visit and they explain that they need to talk with him about Fred. Laura lists all the people who don’t like Fred -- Charles, Edwards, Harriet, Parsons, Doc Baker and Mary, though I thought she was indifferent. Alden is surprised that any of those people would bear such harsh feelings towards an individual, not realizing that Laura is talking about a goat with a butt fetish. Alden bends over to scrub the cloak closet as he asks if Fred is new to Walnut Grove. Laura starts to explain Fred’s status but is interrupted by a bleat and the camera zooming in on Fred’s eye.

Outside we hear a loud crash. At least the Reverend’s horse isn’t spooked.

Fred 3/5

Oy, it’s Mr. Edwards. I hate this episode. Drunk music plays as he walks over to a sheet hanging over a tree limb. He moves away some branches – I think he was trying to hide the sheet? Even Mary in her later years would have been able to see it, Edwards. He lifts the sheet and reveals the Edwards Distillery. He takes a sip of his concoction when someone yells “Pa” offscreen.

Edwards yells at his son Carl for sneaking up on him, but the kid claims he wasn’t sneaking. Carl starts to check the tent but Edwards grabs the kid and asks why he isn’t in school. Carl says he was hoping that his Pa was going fishing. Edwards sends the kid along after he explains that what is happening in the tent is a secret. Carl asks for some details and Edwards says he’s “inventin’.” Really? Is that the best you could come up with? Carl says it smells bad and Edwards continues his lie by saying it’s a new brand of turpentine. Actually, knowing how some stills work and how much faith I have in Mr. Edwards, that might not technically be a lie. Time will tell, I suppose. Anyway, Edwards reiterates that the tent is a secret between him and Carl before sending the boy on his way. Once Carl is gone, Edwards samples some more turpentine.

Over at the school we see Willie exit the outhouse. As he runs back towards the building Laura squeals for him to come over to the tree she is hiding behind. Laura brought Fred and shows him to the boy. She says it’s a very special goat, but Willie says it couldn’t be special if she owns it. He asks what a goat is good for, leading Laura into a sales pitch very similar to the one Parsons used on her. Laura opens with barn protection, but Willie points out that the Olesons don’t have a barn. Laura thinks for a moment, then mentions goats make the best cheese there is (true dat!). Willie ponders this a moment and Laura pushes harder saying that goat cheese is so yummy you won’t eat anything else. Ewww, could you imagine a goat cheese only diet? My stomach has a sad just thinking about that. Laura leads Fred away, but Willie chases her down to get some more info. Whatever you do, Half-pint, don’t shake hands at the end of the deal – Willie didn’t wash.

Outside the Olesons’ house, Harriet hangs laundry on the clothesline while Willie prattles on about how he pulled one over on Laura. As he ties his “gen-u-wine” goat to one of the clothesline posts, Harriet continues scrubbing and “uh huh”-ing while her back is turned. In her half-listening she does manage to remind her son not to swindle Laura too often since the Olesons are the business people and shouldn’t take too much advantage of others. Willie says he’s going to start a cheese empire then runs off to school. Fred bleats, snapping Harriet into attention. She turns around and sees the animal. She calls for Willie to come back, but he’s gone.

Back at the school, Laura tells Carl about the transaction as they play on the whirly see-saw. Carl tells Laura he would never sell his goat if he had one, but Laura recaps that Fred and Pa didn’t get along. Hey, who’s telling the story here, Ingalls? A kid runs by and grabs Carl’s hat. Laura and Carl chase after him.

Fred watches Harriet continue to do laundry. He looks about as interested in that activity as I do. Fred starts to nibble on a dress hanging on the line causing Harriet to have a conniption. She manages to free the clothing from the animal’s mouth then runs over to the post to untie him so he can leave her sight. Fred takes a couple of steps, stops and turns back. Harriet continues to mutter as she bends over to pick up something off the ground. Fetish Fred looks over and charges over towards Harriet’s checkered rump. Harriet lands in a mud pit. Hmm, this episode is starting to show some promise.

Inside the school we see Mary handing her essay to Miss Beadle. Before the sucking up switches from “Low” to “High”, we hear Harriet screeching for Laura Ingalls. All the kids stand all Children of the Corn like as Harriet, who looks much muddier than when we last saw her, stomps toward the school. Willie and Nellie run over to join their mother. Harriet confronts Laura about the goat, accusing her of swindling her son. Laura says “did not!” Willie’s rebuttal: “Did so! How’d she do it, Ma?” Harriet glares at her son before saying “A billy goat? To make cheese?” Harriet bops her son on the head and then he finally gets it. In fairness, that didn’t really register with me right away, so I think the chuckling that Mary tries to hold back is well deserved. Laura returns the items Willie traded claiming that she didn’t cheat Willie. That’s debatable. Laura asks where Fred ran off to, but Harriet tells her that it’s not her problem. Miss Beadle tells the kids to go back inside for class.

Laura, Carl and Fred walk home. Carl says tomorrow is Saturday, so that should give them time to come up with a plan. However, Laura still needs a place for Fred to stay the night. Carl says he knows a place, but Laura has to promise to keep it a secret. When has that ever worked on this show? Laura goes through the whole cross heart/word of honor/”hope the rats will eat you up”(huh?) ritual before Carl agrees to share his hiding place. They end up at the still which Carl says is okay because this is an emergency. That’s a pretty loose definition. Laura pokes around and asks what the bubbling liquid is. Carl says it is turpentine of some sort, though Laura is surprised that raisins and sugar are some of the ingredients. As soon as Carl and Laura head out Fred helps himself to the cauldron. More drunk music.

Fred 2/5

Mary giggles as the family eats dinner. Charles asks her what her deal is and Mary says she still can’t get over how Laura named the goat Friendly Fred. Mary Ingalls sucks at irony. Charles doesn’t find it funny, saying that he found more friendship after poking a hole in a hornets’ nest. Huh? It stops Mary’s laughter, so I guess mission accomplished?

He then sets his sights on Laura asking if she thinks its funny. Laura lifts her head up from grousing and says no and that she feels sorry for Fred. Pa takes offense to this, but Laura supposes that maybe Fred thought he was protecting the barn from a robber. Even Caroline is like, “Girl, you crazy.” Charles tells his daughter that while Fred was protecting the barn he ate a half-bushel of oats and pulled the feed bin off the wall. Laura apologizes for Pa not liking the goat. Pa explains that it isn’t a matter of liking the animal, but whether they should keep him or not. Laura thinks for a moment then suggests that Fred could eat weeds in the garden. Caroline thinks this is a terrible idea.

Before Laura comes up with yet another bad idea (she’s had quite a few this episode), Mary tells Pa that the grass he’s been collecting can be used for furniture. Charles doesn’t give two hoots about that, saying that he just wants his money from Phinneus Janks so he can be done with his contract. He grabs his pipe from the mantle. As he starts to light it, Laura unwisely mentions that Fred is a very special goat saying he is the last of his kind. Charles’s response: “I certainly hope so.” This disappoints Laura. Perhaps this will teach her how to read a room.

Fred wanders around outside while the girls lay in bed. Laura asks Mary if she is awake. Mary responds with a no. Laura explains the sleepers’ fallacy that Mary just committed. Mary, defeated, rolls over. Laura asks her if she has any ideas on how to save Fred. Mary says she read that goat leather is used for fancy purses. Laura doesn’t find that funny, but Mary explains that Pa might be in a better mood to consider Fred’s fate in the morning.

Downstairs, Charles and Caroline are ready for bed. Just as Charles nods off, a loud crash and bleat are heard from outside. Charles pulls the blanket over his head and whines “Friendly Fred.”

The next morning, Laura exits the house and Jack has a bit of a spaz attack. Laura yells at the dog to stay by the door. Laura runs towards the corral with a bowl of food for Fred, but she sees that the goat is no longer tied to the fence. She hears a bleat and follows the sound. Laura finds Fred chowing down on the grass that Charles picked yesterday. Laura is remarkably calm, particularly since her father is now charging over to the pile and liable to raise some holy Hell in about two seconds. Charles tells his daughter that it is going to take hours in the swamp just to replace what the goat ate. Laura tries to make some more excuses for the animal, but Charles tells her to zip it because that goat is gone today. As Charles turns away, Fred belches. “Today,” Pa repeats. As he stomps off, Charles kicks a bucket in his path but stubs his toe in the process. Fred sneers.

Fred 1/5

We see a lone goat chomping away in a field. An elderly gentleman carrying a bucket into a nearby barn catches the goat’s attention. The goat bleats before investigating the man in the barn. Inside, the man attempts to sing, but it sounds like he may be drunk and a horse whinnies in disapproval. The man strikes up a conversation with the horse before checking its hooves. The goat enters. The man starts to sing again while he moves some bags. As the man bends over, the camera, er, goat, zooms in on the man’s keester.

Outside, we see the farmer busting through the barn wall. A woman and Laura run over to check on the man. The woman asks if he hurt himself, but he starts to blame the goat. He stands and starts ranting and raving like Yosemite Sam about what he is going to do to that animal. As he starts gesturing wildly, Laura (or perhaps Melissa Gilbert) tries to hold back from laughing. As the farmer’s wife tries to talk her husband out of shooting the goat, Laura walks over to check on the animal. The woman lets on that Laura was hired to do something at the farm and Farmer Sam needs to pay her before he goes gun crazy.

The farmer tries to do some arithmetic to figure out how much he owes Laura. It doesn’t go very well. As he gets every detail of the transaction wrong, Laura examines the goat and determines that it looks healthy. Laura asks the farmer, whose name is Parsons, if he is really going to shoot the goat. He tells the girl that goat-shooting is next on his agenda, then he starts to count out the money. He’s short a penny and asks Laura if that’s okay. Instead, Laura offers to take the goat in lieu of cash. Parsons eyes light up and he decides to push all of the positive aspects of the goat. Besides the fact that most of what he says are bold-faced lies, he already has the sale so why is he pushing it? It’s an as-is transaction, but what he’s doing is actually hurting himself in the long run. Laura sort of catches on to this and she asks, “if he’s so special, why are you going to shoot him?” Mr. Parsons does not strike me as a savvy businessman. Despite this Laura takes the goat over the money. We do not hear zonk music, so can we see what’s behind curtain number 2?

Back at the homestead, Caroline snaps some peas while Mary does some homework. “You know just looking up answers to homework questions isn’t too hard,” Mary says, “but writing a long essay on why things happened is a lot more work.” Tell me about it. At least you aren’t trying to throw in jokes when you can. Caroline tells Mary that Miss Beadle wants Mary to think. Isn’t that what the Internet is for? The two of them hear some bleating outside and decide to check it out. Caroline peeks out the window and her walk becomes stern.

“Laura, what on Earth is that?” Caroline asks. Laura explains the situation, but in the way that a ten year old gives all of the details out of order and never actually answers the question. She isn’t being evasive, she’s just giving the points without the argument. She says she saved his life, but Mary asks if she meant Mr. Parsons or the goat. See what I mean? Mary pets the goat and suggests the name William the Conqueror. Caroline laughs at this, but Laura says she already decided on the name Fred. Laura says he kinda looks like a Fred, and based on my experience with the Freds of the world she's right. Caroline cautions her daughter that Pa might not be too keen on having a goat around. “But you know how Pa likes animals,” Laura says. Yeah, because that raccoon you brought home wasn’t a problem at all – Charles loved that. Laura calls Fred friendly then realizes that his name should be Fred the Friendly Goat. I wonder what Ed Friendly (the guy at the end of the credits) thought about this episode? Caroline tells Laura to put Fred in the barn and get started on her homework.

Meanwhile in the swamp, Charles is gathering some sort of grass. You see, I have this theory about Little House where you can tell the stupidity of a given story based on certain factors. If the episode is unbearably dumb, Charles and sometimes Caroline will be out of town or otherwise unavailable. If it is only sort of dumb but still likely to cause the ladies to change the channel, then we get some Michael Landon Beefy Man Chest Action. As Charles carries the grass out of the water, we not only get MLBMCA but wet MLBMCA. He hears a carriage driving by. Charles looks down and panics. Oh right, people usually went into the water nakkers in those days. Once the carriage is gone, we see Charles rise up out of the algae covered water. Hubba hubba?

Later on, Caroline is heating up some water as Charles rides up to the homestead. He looks rather haggard as he starts to unload the cart filled with swamp grass. Apparently Charles is gathering all this grass for some guy who is paying him a rather paltry amount for all the work that is involved. Caroline tells Charles that there is a bath ready for him and she can finish unloading the grass.

Charles enters the barn and starts to undress. As he takes off his boots, he grabs onto the barn door for support. Fred decides to check out the visitor and his eyes lock on to Charles’s rump. Caroline remembers while she is unloading that she should tell her husband about the goat, but by the time she gets to the barn Charles has already been introduced. Hard.

A Matter of Faith 5/5

Establishing shot of the house as seen through the open barn door. Inside the house, Caroline is using the table to lift herself up to the medicine cabinet. Horse linament? No -- she grabs a smaller bottle and starts chugging. After she takes whatever medicine was in that bottle, Caroline looks over at the table and sees the key to the front door. She slowly works her way across the table and grabs the key. We’re zoomed in on her hand, specifically her wedding ring, as Caroline struggles to reach the door. Once there she unlocks it, opens the door and goes outside. She steps with her right leg and drags her left (which is even grosser looking than before) and grabs some firewood.

Later, Caroline is sitting by the fireplace and is pulling a soaking cloth out of a kettle over the fire. She takes a moment before she throws the hot, wet cloth onto the wound. Caroline probably should have grabbed a wooden spoon to bite into before doing that. She does grab onto the rocking chair as the pain courses through her body. More wedding ring close-ups.

Then Charles, in his red full body underwear, swings on a rope and jumps into a lake. Laura is next to go. Really show? White nightgowns for the girls, the oldest of which is 14? I understand that those were probably the style of the time, but from a filming perspective WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Anyway, Laura and Pa are laughing and tell Mary to hop in. Mary’s all pensive, saying she doesn’t want her head to go underwater. She asks Pa to make sure he’ll catch her and he promises. He then crosses fingers on both hands and shows them to Laura in a way that even Mary should have been able to see but she doesn’t. And no, she isn’t blind yet. Mary grabs onto the rope, swings, and Pa completely misses his daughter. Mary isn’t too bothered by it, saying it was fun. Laura takes another turn and there is more laughter. Then Pa says they should get cleaned up before Reverend Alden shows up.

Meanwhile, Caroline is contemplating her current predicament. She looks like she has an idea and grabs her Bible. She starts flipping through it as if it were a magazine with a really good recipe for gingerbread. She’s found the passage she was looking for (here it is for those playing along at home). We get a closeup of the passage, then we see Caroline reading the passage aloud, then we get a tighter closeup with a literal spotlight on the phrase “cut it off”. Caroline thinks about it for a moment, then a third closeup with “cut it off” completely filling the frame. But it’s not your foot – it’s your leg. Caroline doesn’t seem to care about that argument, instead looking around the room for the sharpest thing she can find. She gets out of the chair and hobbles over to the drawer to get the dullest knife she can find. Yuck, self-amputation is bad enough but that knife is going to make it take forever. Caroline drags herself back to the Bible to reread the passage, knife in hand.

A babbling brook, some swimming ducks, and the Ingalls family playing Blind Man’s Bluff nearby. Charles is wearing the blindfold as the kids and Jack taunt Pa. Laura sneaks behind him to snap his suspenders while Jack bites at his feet. Did Jack read that passage, too? Charles eventually grabs Carrie and tries to guess who he has. He jokes about feeling whiskers on her face and guesses Mr. Edwards. Cute. Pa takes off the blindfold and says “It’s Carrie! How are you?” What’s funny is it works both as a daddy/daughter moment and a “oh, you’re still on the show?” moment.

Laura and Mary notice a wagon approaching and Charles can see that it is Reverend Alden. The family goes to greet the Reverend and Mrs. Foster. Alden tells Mary and Laura that their Ma’s pies were the first items to sell at the fundraiser bringing in $4. Alden takes some of the credit, boasting about his salesmanship. Uh huh. Charles approaches and asks if Caroline changed her mind about making the trip, but the Reverend thought she left early to join the family. Ruh roh. Charles is surprised that there wasn’t even a note but the reverend tells him he need not worry. Um, actually, that is exactly why you should be concerned. Charles decides to go home to check things out.

Back at the chop shop, Caroline’s leg is still attached but she is preparing for some unpleasantness. She has tied a spoon around her leg and seems ready to do what she believes she has to do. She moves the knife blade into the fire. Then we fade to a Scrubbing Bubbles commercial.

On the road back to the house a neighbor stops Charles. Apparently the Ingalls cow has been causing all sorts of trouble. Charles is surprised that Caroline has come to retrieve the animal. While the neighbor passive-aggressively complains about the cow, Charles decides to pick up the pace to return to the house. When Charles arrives he finds Caroline passed out on the floor. I don’t see any blood, but I also don’t see Caroline’s legs.

That night, Laura looks through the window into the bedroom as Doc Baker examines his patient. She walks over to join Pa and Mary, commenting that she has never seen her Ma that sick. Mary asks if Ma is going to die, but Pa tells her not to talk like that yet saying “God takes care of those that love him.” Laura suggests they all pray with all their hearts before she starts to cry.

Charles goes inside and sees Reverend Alden holding a sleeping Carrie in the rocking chair. The Reverend looks like he has seen better days. Outside, Mary and Laura are comforting one another. In the bedroom, Charles is praying at the foot of the bed while Doc Baker changes out Caroline’s wet cloths.

Sunrise the next day. Yet another closeup of Caroline’s wedding ring as her hand reaches over to touch Charles’s hand. He fell asleep at the foot of the bed, but his wife’s touch wakes him right up. Charles calls for Doc Baker who pronounces the fever broken. He says if Caroline didn’t open the infection when she did she probably would have lost her leg or even died. Instead, the prognosis is significantly better. Doc Baker goes out to tell the girls the good news. The Reverend overhears this as he stands watch outside the house. Doc Baker walks over and confides that he would have had a tough time making the decision that Caroline did. “How she picked exactly the right moment … only God knows,” says Baker. “I’m sure he does,” the Reverend replies. The entire family is now gathered around their recovering Ma. Aww, Deus ex Machina works in mysterious ways.

A Matter of Faith 4/5

A song of mourning plays as we return to Casa di Tetanus. There is a close up of an unlit lantern sitting on the mantle that we pan down from to find Caroline, who is writhing in her rocking chair. She decides to take a look at the wound and we switch to her POV. Ew, if her discolored foot is any indication you may want to wait until the end of your lunch break to finish reading this. No joke, y’all, it’s about to get unpleasant. Caroline slowly lifts up the nightshirt to reveal the now festering and pus encrusted wound. Even Caroline, who I look to as a model of resilience, seems a bit squicked out by what her leg looks like. She looks across the room and things get all squiggly again. Caroline decides to go for the scarf hanging by the door but after about two hobbles she falls to the ground. It would have been funny if it was Mary.

The next day a drove of piglets are snacking out of a trough while one is checking out the open bar that is the mama pig. Mary is holding a different piglet while Carrie pets its snout and Laura is petting Carrie’s hair. Mary says not to scratch too hard since it is a baby. Who is she talking to? Oh, Laura is now interacting with the pig as well. “PigglywigglyI’lltakehimhomeandputhiminmybed,” Carrie...says? Laura tells her that probably won’t be happening. Over at the smokehouse Charles is chit chatting with the pigs’ owner about the quality of the meat. The owner notices how the girls are interacting with the piglet and jokes about a new member in the Ingalls family. He says something as he takes the pig from Mary’s hands but the piglet acts like every other piglet on TV and starts to freak the fuck out. Laura tells Pa that Carrie wants to take the semi-subdued beast home, but Charles says they can’t because the piglet needs to stay with its mom. “ButMarysayswecanfeeditwithabottle,” Carrie “says”. Mary Ingalls sucks at weaning. Ha! Charles is giving his eldest daughter a look that agrees with that sentiment. Pa firmly says that the pig must stay and grow up on the farm. “Thenwherewillitgo?” Pa stammers as he tries to euphemize porcine university (Go Razorbacks!) before the farmer cuts in and says the pig will find a lady friend and raise a family. This satisfies Carrie so Pa uses that as a cue for the family to skedaddle. Carrie waves goodbye to the piggly wiggly.

Back at the homestead Reverend Alden and Mrs. Foster are arriving to pick up the baked goods. I’m surprised the ones sitting outside weren’t ruined by the storm. The Reverend knocks on the door and calls out for Mrs. Ingalls. She is a bit indisposed at the moment, having not yet regained consciousness from where she fell the night before. Oh good, she starts to come around as the pies are transferred. Ick, another unnecessary extreme close-up of Caroline’s eye. She can hear the Reverend and Mrs. Foster chatting outside but all she can focus on is the window shutter that is slightly ajar. Oh goodness, Caroline is dragging herself across the floor. First off, couldn’t she just call out so that they know she’s in there? Also, the door is closer than the window and jiggling the doorknob is a bit more helpful of a signal. The cameraman is careful not to have the door in the shot but still – it’s a little house, show.

Uh oh, Reverend Alden has loaded the last pie and Caroline is still crawling. She manages to reach the window shutter and opens it just as the Reverend’s wagon is driving away. I will say the execution of this shot is quite lovely, but the circumstances make me say “hmmm”. Caroline says nothing as she has another spasm of extreme pain. She struggles to pull herself up by grabbing onto the table but eventually gets a grip on the rolling pin instead. She smashes the window with the pin, but since no one is nearby it doesn’t really help her situation. Caroline, who is looking a lot like Jodie Foster at the moment, is sitting up and starting to cry.

A Matter of Faith 2/5

Caroline takes another tasty looking pie out of the oven. When she sets it on the table she feels a twinge in her leg. She checks the wound and...Caroline Marie! You don’t even have that thing bandaged? She goes over to a loaf of bread and grabs a hunk of it. After she dunks the bread in a pitcher of water we cut to Caroline finishing tying a cloth around the wound. Hmm, apparently this is a remedy called a “Bread Poultice”. I had no idea. Once Caroline is all bandaged up she gets back to her baking project. Without washing her hands. Ew.

Later on we see her placing a pie on the outdoor cooling shelf. Wow, she’s got a lot done – there are at least seven pies cooling. Caroline looks a little winded, but I’m not sure if it is from her leg or from working with a hot oven all day long. As she stands around to get a second wind Doc Baker is riding by. She calls his attention and he asks if Charles is around. Caroline tells the Doc that Charles and the kids are out of town for the weekend, which disappoints the Doc because he was hoping Charles could fix a squeaky wheel. Caroline invites the Doc in for some pie (not a euphemism) and he decides to take the offer. As they walk towards the house, Doc Baker notices that Caroline is barefoot and looking a little flushed. Are bare feet a symptom? So that’s what was wrong with all the hippies during undergrad. Doc Baker asks if there is anything wrong and Caroline doesn’t think there is. She does mention that she cut her leg and shows the bread poultice. Doc Baker is all “that’s what I would have prescribed” but offers to look at Caroline’s leg just in case.

Just as the two are about to enjoy some pie, a man rides up to the house calling for the Doc. The man kvetches about not being able to find the Doc before explaining that his son Toby fell out of a loft and broke his arm. As Doc Baker leaves Caroline asks if there is anything she can to do help, but the man says that won’t be necessary. Caroline looks pained, but I don’t think it is from the rejection.

Doc Baker finishes putting a sling on Toby while giving his “You’re Very Lucky” lecture. Toby’s Ma is all like “the boy won’t listen!” so Doc Baker tells the kid point blank not to get out of bed for two weeks. As they leave the bedroom, Toby’s Ma invites Doc Baker to stay for dinner. At first he declines because he has a few more calls to make, but then Toby’s Pa comes in and says that storms are rolling through and the Doc probably won’t be able to make it back to Walnut Grove. Sounds like Doc Baker is crashing for the night.

Speaking of crashing, it looks like Caroline has hit a wall. She looks really out of it. You can tell she doesn’t really want to move, but there’s something mooing outside (presumably a cow) and she goes to the window to investigate. Yup, the cow is still outside in the pouring rain. That sounds like the start of a country song. Anyway, Caroline wraps herself in some rain gear and runs outside to lead the cow back to the barn. The cow is not having any of it and puts up a fight. Caroline is pretty soaked and worn out at this point and has to sit down to take a breather. The cow looks over and stands around as if nothing is wrong. Hmm, the camera goes out of focus for a moment. Sinister violin music starts to play shortly before Caroline passes out in the rain. If she is already under the weather this development is not going to improve Caroline’s situation. Rather than help, the cow calmly walks away. Cows suck.

The Wolves 5/5

The kids are still holed up in the barn. Laura asks Mary how long they’ve been waiting and she replies, “a couple of hours.” Carrie says she’s hungry (or “hungwee” as she says it) but Mary says it is too dark outside to tell if the dogs are gone. Laura hears a rustling sound outside so Mary goes to investigate. Mary can hear the sound but she can’t find the source. A dog barks behind Mary and she sees that one of the dogs is trying to dig under the wall. Seriously? Did the kids bathe in meat that morning or something?

The sound of the dog pack freaking out starts up again, so Mary decides to move up to the loft. Except that the ladder is now next to Laura’s treehouse. Oops. Mary spots a table and uses it to climb up to the loft. As the kids struggle to climb, the injured mama wolf starts to paw at her muzzle. The dogs are now working at three separate points around the perimeter trying to dig in. This is dumb. Before Andy climbs up he decides that the pups need to go up to the loft. Meanwhile, Old Yeller and Rin Tin Tin are almost done with their holes. As the mama wolf works on her muzzle, the kids are trying to get Bandit up to the loft. Bandit is not a fan of this change of elevation but doesn’t put up much of a fight. Andy gets up into the loft just as a dog gets through the wall and mama wolf gets off her muzzle (uh, “Muzzle Fail”). As soon as Andy turns around he and Mary get a front row seat for the dogfight. Judging by their faces, the dog they bet on isn’t winning. At this point the entire pack has infiltrated the barn. Wait a minute, that’s not a wolf – that’s the Shaggy Dog! Is this episode an allegory for gangs or something? Boooooo!

Mary rejoins the other kids in the corner of the loft. She hugs Carrie and tells her everything is going to be alright. Andy wishes his Pa would come looking for him, which causes Laura to wonder what will happen if no one comes for them. Weren’t Charles and Caroline only supposed to be gone for a couple of days? They should be back soon I would think. Mary has a better idea: “Bandit knows the way to Andy’s house. Maybe he could get Mr. Garvey!” First, Bandit is not Lassie (who may or may not be part of the “wolf” pack down below. Second, Bandit is not a carrier pigeon. What’s great about this is that Bandit’s head is resting on Laura’s arm in a way that makes it look like Bandit is thinking “I need to talk to my agent about getting me on a show with scripts that aren’t stupid.” Laura resists the idea and I could swear I just saw Bandit roll his eyes. I think I understand why Charles and Caroline left town for this episode.

Mary stands up and opens a chute just above Laura’s head. Laura tells her dog that he is their only hope. The girls send the dog outside and it starts bounding towards the hills. Benji, who is keeping watch outside the compound sees Bandit and starts to chase after him. Oh good, not only is this entire premise preposterous, the filming is poorly conceived as well. It’s that point after dusk where it is more dark than light and the dogs are running through an area with trees. In other words, there’s not enough natural light to light the scene but there is just enough light to cast shadows everywhere. Anyway, the chase is on but Bandit has a plan. He puts his Bugs Bunny skills to work and runs into a hollow log. Benji follows but gets stuck while Bandit (the larger dog) gets out the other side. Whatever, show: check-minus.

Over at the Garvey farm Jonathan is tying up his horse in the stable. He notices the wolves are gone and runs into the house. Alice hears Jonathan come in and mentions that he is late. Jonathan asks where Andy is but Alice thought he was with her husband. Jonathan asks if Larabee or anyone else has been lurking around but Alice hasn’t seen anyone. At this point Bandit walks in with a pretty bad gash on his leg. Jonathan takes a look at the dog and realizes that trouble is a-brewin’ at the ol’ Ingalls place.

While Jonathan is in the barn hitching up his horse, at a pace not quite as urgent a few moments ago, Larabee arrives. He has a couple of thugs with guns and says they need to continue the discussion from earlier. Jonathan says he’s a little preoccupied with his son and the Ingalls girls being in possible danger. He invites Larabee and company to tag along or get out of his way. The camera zooms in on Larabee for no real reason.

Meanwhile at the dog shelter, the canines are milling about on the ground floor while the asinines are grousing in the loft. Then the yuppie dog from Best in Show decides it’s time to hop onto the table and climb into the loft. My guess is Carrie is made of jerky. Mary grabs a sandbag and starts swinging at the dogs trying to leap up. It’s going fine until one of the dogs grabs the bag in its teeth. Mary Ingalls sucks at whac-a-mole. She grabs a pitchfork, but just before things get gruesome or hilarious Jonathan kicks in the door and the thugs start firing shots. After eight shots are fired Jonathan hops up into view and asks if the kids are alright. Larabee also pops into view and sees Andy hugging Jonathan as the kid whimpers about the mama wolf saving his life. Jonathan turns to give Larabee an “I told you so” glare. Shut up, Jonathan. Mary is crying in the corner.

The next day, Jonathan, Laura, and Andy set the pups free. They talk about what the deal was with the dogs from last night. Jonathan’s theory was that the dogs used to be good family dogs but their masters didn’t love them. So it is an allegory. Booooo!

The Wolves 4/5

A pack of dogs is running through fields. Wait a minute, is that Harry the Dirty Dog? That...is not a wolf.

As suddenly as we see that image it is gone and replaced by a ball getting kicked outside the school. What is up with these transitions? I’ve been doing film editing for the last three weeks so maybe I’m just more aware of them now but some of them are just plain weird. Anyway, the ball ends up underneath the porch of the Mercantile and Andy chases after it. While he’s there he overhears Mrs. Oleson and Larabee discussing their plans to dispose of the wolves in the Garvey barn. Andy doesn’t waste any time as he runs to the barn with a cart and collects the wolves.

A few moments later, Andy pulls the cart towards Laura’s treehouse. Shouldn’t both of them be in school? Laura climbs down the ladder and Andy updates Laura on the situation. She asks if Mr. Garvey knows what’s up but Andy hasn’t had a chance to tell him yet. Laura decides to hide them in the Ingalls’ barn, but suggests they don’t tell Mary the Hun.

Back at the homestead, Mary asks Carrie if she knows where Laura is. Carrie says she’ll go look for her, but that doesn’t seem to ease Mary’s anger. She’s been amped up this entire episode, even before the parents left. What is her deal? Carrie goes outside with Bandit and calls out for Laura. Just then, the pack of dogs from earlier is running down the hillside near the little house. Mary can hear the dogs from inside and runs outside to check on Carrie. Mary runs, grabs her sister’s hand and promptly trips over her own feet as she drags her little sister to the barn. Way to go, Mary. Despite this misstep, the two girls make it into the barn where Laura and Andy are already taking cover. Laura and Mary work together to bar the doors shut.

The dog pack arrives and starts running circles around the barn and chicken coop. One of the dogs is able to leap into the chicken coop and we hear the sound of chickens getting mutilated. That’s a sound effect that gets a surprising amount of mileage on this show. This time it is mixed with the sound of either a cow or an elephant. If it is the latter, this situation has gone beyond serious.

The kids gather in the center of the barn to wait out the dogs. Everyone is scared but there isn’t really anything they can do. Mary suggests that they start to sing to pass the time and feel better. What better way to get rid of a pack of angry dogs than to draw attention to yourself by singing? Mary asks for requests and Andy is quick on the trigger with “Oh! Susanna”. Oh Stephen Foster, where would the public domain be without you? They start to sing and, as expected, the dogs grow even wilder. As the dogs run more circles around the barn, the LHotP Orchestra plays an upbeat adaptation of “Oh! Susanna”. Good times.

The Wolves 3/5

The next day Doc Baker examines the injured wolf. Isn’t this really outside of his area of expertise? Or is this his wheelhouse and taking care of the townspeople is the outer limits of his knowledge? Either way, the prognosis looks good. Meanwhile Jonathan enters and muzzles the wolf so that she won’t hurt anybody. Before Andrew runs off to school his Pa asks him who knows about the wolf. Andy replies that Laura is the only other person who knows and Jonathan asks that it be kept that way for now. Doc Baker asks Jonathan if Andy is getting attached to the animal and warns against it. Before the Doc leaves Jonathan asks him to also keep news of the wolf on the DL.

Meanwhile, Mary and Carrie are walking hand in hand towards school. There’s the sound of hammering up ahead and Mary sees that her sister is the source. “Laura Ingalls what are you doing up there?” Even Carrie is aware that Laura is building a treehouse. Mary demands that Laura come down from the tree “this instant” and head off to school. You give Mary one iota of responsibility and she institutes Hammurabi’s Code. Mary Ingalls sucks at chillaxing. Laura climbs down the rope attached to the tree and the girls continue to bicker as they make their way to school.

Lunchtime! Andy updates Laura on the wolf situation, starting with the fact that it is a wolf situation instead of a dog situation. As they chat about the animal’s prognosis, Nellie steps out from behind a tree a few feet away from the other kids. She asks what the big secret is that the two of them are sharing, but they decide to play dumb. Nellie offers them some penny candy for the inside scoop and both Laura and Andy look like cheap suits in need of folding. Laura comes up with a bluff about her new treehouse, but Nellie doesn’t buy it. As she walks away Andy cracks and asks Nellie to swear not to tell anybody if he tells her. Nellie crosses her heart so he spills the beans. Nellie, who is sucking on a piece of candy, flatly says “how interesting” and then hands Andy some candy. As the school bell rings, Nellie runs off towards the Mercantile before heading to the school. Andy wonders where Nellie is going since she crossed her heart not to tell anyone. Laura quietly reminds him that the girl doesn’t have a heart to cross. Oh, snap!

Doc Baker happens to be in the Mercantile when Nellie rushes in to tell her mother the news. Harriet laughs off the news, claiming that no one in their right mind would keep a pack of wolves in their barn. Nellie claims she is telling the truth and says that Doc Baker can vouch for her. Harriet asks if that is true and he quickly replies that it is. Andy at least held out for a piece of candy before he blabbed, Doc. Harriet starts to over react (or react, relative to her) but Doc Baker says the adult wolf is muzzled so no one is in danger, particularly since Jonathan is apparently the Jack Hanna of Hero Township. Harriet asks if Baker is a doctor or a veterinarian and he replies that, considering some of his patients, he isn’t always too sure himself. That is not charming. After he leaves, Harriet tells Nellie to take a message to Larabee after school.

After school Andy and Laura are playing with the pups. They are cute in a lupine sort of way. The pups, not the children. Jonathan enters the barn and smiles as he sees the kids and the animals interact. Andy says he wants to name the pup he is holding Jonah. Jonathan playfully reminds his son that the animal is a wolf and not a whale. He then seriously reminds Andy that naming the animal brings him one step closer to making that animal a pet. Jonathan is certainly handling this situation a lot better than Charles handled the Jasper fiasco. Jonathan then provides a short lecture on animal domestication and somehow works God into the order of things. I guess that would explain cows. Anyway, Jonathan goes on to tell a story about this one time in Chicago when he saw a lady walking down the street with a lion on a leash. “There was a look in that lion’s face that said ‘I ain’t happy.’” I call no waysies on that story actually happening. Regardless, the kids get the point and agree to let the wolves go once the mom is healthy.

Later on Laura is continuing work on the treehouse. She consults with the project foreman, Bandit, who barks his approval. Laura decides that the treehouse is missing one vital component but she isn’t sure what it is. A lantern goes off in her head and she heads back towards the barn. Not too much later, Mary comes out of the house in her Aunt Jemima garb and starts calling out for “Laura! Laura Ingalls!” Shut up, Mary. She doesn’t and tells Laura that dinner is ready. Laura complains about the food and Mary says in a particularly flat and nasal voice “I’m running out of patience.” I think this line reading completely sums up the character of Mary Ingalls. Anyway, before heading into the house, Laura takes the ladder from the barn to the tree.

Meanwhile, Jonathan is taking inventory at the mill when Larabee drives up. Jonathan rolls his eyes slightly and returns to his paperwork. Larabee tells Garvey that he wants the wolves that are shacking up in the Garvey barn. Jonathan tells Larabee to bug off and just take care of his town business. Larabee walks over to his wagon and unveils a dead calf as his town business. Larabee has determined that Live Wolves + Dead Calf = Garvey’s Problem. That’s a fair equation, but Jonathan explains that he has a wounded mama wolf and two pups. Larabee isn’t too concerned about that and would rather make sure that all wolves be eradicated from the planet. Garvey says no and tells Larabee to stay away from his land. Honestly, it looks like Larabee is about to cry as the dramatic music plays.

The Wolves 2/5

Laura and Andy are out gathering berries (not a euphemism). Bandit starts to bark and the kids go investigate. Did Carrie fall down a well again? Oh, a wolf got caught in a trap. They must be in Larabee territory. The kids run over to check on the animal and decide to unlatch the trap, thinking this animal is a dog. Frankly, I don’t know the official difference, so we’ll just go with this taxonomy for the time being. Once free, the dog scampers off and the kids follow. They eventually find the dog and her pups. Aww. The kids decide to take the animals to the Garveys' so they can tend to the wounded dog. Uh, Laura, haven’t you gone down this path before?

Back at the homestead, Mary is peeling a potato while carry snaps peas. Laura barges in to tell Mary the news, but the eldest daughter starts in on her power trip. “Where have you been young lady, you’re late!” she yells. Laura’s reaction: “Huh?” Awesome. Mary keeps on yelling at her sister, but as Laura tries to explain all Mary can do is admonish Laura with various “I’m the boss, applesauce,” reminders. It should probably be noted that Charles and Caroline have probably only been gone for perhaps two hours, so Mary’s shtick is going to get old fast. Laura gets over this quick and leaves.

Back at the Garvey residence, Jonathan walks into the barn and finds Andy petting a pup (still not a euphemism). Andy recaps the first paragraph of today’s entry for his Pa. Jonathan takes one look and tells his kid “they’s wolves.” “They’s” you say? Andy is surprised by this news which is soon replaced with disappointment after Jonathan says he can’t keep them. Andy points out the injury, but Jonathan stays firm and says that they can’t keep wild animals. Andy tries a new tactic: if the wolf is one of God’s creatures and Jonathan says that everyone needs to take care of God’s creatures, then they are obligated to take care of the wolf since God loves all His creatures equally. If that were true, wouldn’t Larabee have not set out a trap with the intent to kill the wolf? Rather than follow my line of questioning, Jonathan agrees to have Doc Baker take a look at the animal. Eh, I suppose this compromise is okay for the time being. As Jonathan leaves, the pup starts to have its noms on Andy’s finger. Aww.

We then see a calf suckling on its mama cow. Ick, that transition was even more unpleasant than the sheep goring/Bandit reveal. Suddenly, this tranquil scene is attacked by a pack of dogs. Um, okay. Then the camera goes in for a dramatic zoom on what I suppose is the leader dog who is watching everything from the top of a hill. Dun dun dun! Sure, why not?

The Wolves 1/5

A nausea-inducing dolly shot traveling over the prairie opens this week’s episode. The last time I went through that part of the country was back in 2001 and even then the vastness of the landscape was somewhat incredible. All that is in this portion of the vastness is a lone dog. Oh, and a sheep. The dog sees the sheep the same time we do and begins to chase after it. Suddenly a whole pack of dogs appear and the sheep is all like “uh oh” and starts to run away. I hope this whole episode isn’t a nature film because I am not in the mood. Long story short: the sheep doesn’t stand a chance. We see the lead dog lunge at the sheep then see Bandit running down a hillside. Interesting idea for a transition but it doesn’t quite match up.

The Garvey house is at the base of the hill. Laura and Andy are practicing the long jump for the Olympics that won’t be happening for another 23 years. Andy tells Laura her jump wasn’t too good, but his isn’t any better. He decides to invite his Ma to show her mad skillz. She declines, saying that she has laundry to do. The kids whine but Alice says she doesn’t have time for such “foolishness”. Jeez, lady, why don’t you just send your kid to the iron mines then? Laura challenges this notion, claiming that adults are dismissive of such activities so that they don’t have to prove that the kids are better at them. Alice takes the bait, but before she can embarrass herself Bandit arrives and distracts the kids. Laura assumes that Bandit is there to let her know that it is time to go home. Can a dog really be that well trained? My housemates’ dogs still freak out whenever I enter the room and they have had plenty of time to get used to me. After Laura leaves Andy asks his Ma if she is ready to jump, but since the girl is gone Alice has nothing to prove and sends her son inside to do homework. Once he is in, Alice decides to go for the jump. And lands square on her butt. Andy is quick to point out that his Ma didn’t get much distance either.

When Laura gets home she sees that Pa and Ma are finishing packing up for a weekend getaway or something. Ma is reminding Mary of all the things to take care of while they are away. Mary is in charge? This weekend is going to suck. Charles calls for Caroline as she kisses her daughters goodbye. Caroline mounts the wagon and the two of them are off. As soon as the wagon is out of sight the girls are all like “Toga! Toga! Toga! 1900!” Or they would be if I was writing this episode.

Jonathan is over at the Mercantile carefully examining pans. He puts the pan down for a nice reveal of an incredibly bored Mrs. Oleson. She asks him to make a decision because she has other work to do. For once I don’t think Harriet is being bitchy as I can imagine Jonathan Garvey taking several hours to decide between cast iron or Teflon. She tries to upsell but Jonathan finally decides on the economy model. The shop bell rings as a man enters the store. Hey, it’s Larabee! I didn’t realize he was a recurring character. He is not in the mood to chit chat with Jonathan and asks Harriet for some wolf traps. As Harriet goes to grab them, Jonathan tells Larabee there aren’t any wolves in the area. Larabee coldly says that two of his sheep were attacked and that Garvey should mind his own business.

Jonathan leaves and as soon as he is out the door Harriet thanks Larabee for talking down to Garvey. She takes Larabee to the store room and talks about the bad blood the two men had from their Kansas days. Ooo, back story. Also, this must have taken place before the barn burning. Larabee doesn’t engage with Harriet despite her Barbara Walters impersonation. Larabee takes a couple of traps and leaves. Nels enters the store room as Harriet comments on how mad Larabee was when he saw Jonathan. She lets on that Larabee believes that Garvey stole some furs. Nels stops what he is doing and says that the story is wrong. Harriet reminds her husband that Larabee’s story matches up with what he told the judge, but Nels points out that the actual crook was caught red handed. He goes on to say that Larabee is just mad because he was embarrassed by the situation and blames Jonathan. Harriet is all “whatevs” and says she still doesn’t trust Garvey. Nels is surprised and asks why. Harriet thinks for a moment and says it’s because he chews tobacco and spits. That I could actually get on board with – chaw is DISGUSTING.

The Election 2/5

As the kids are leaving school, Nellie is admonishing the girl who seconded her nomination for not doing it fast enough. The girl is all like “whatever, just keep the candy coming.” Following them are Mary and Jim, the former thanking the latter. “It’s nice, you being a boy and all,” Mary says. I have to wonder if Laura would have nominated Mary, unless nominating goes against Leviticus or something. Regardless, Jim says he just wanted to be fair and I’m not really sure what that is supposed to mean in this situation. Mary thanks him again despite this little logic lapse and heads home. Jim sticks around to reconvene with the prankster set. Oh, it turns out that their plan is to not only split the girl vote by having two female nominees but use Elmer to prove that he can beat the smartest kids in the class. Does it count as schadenfreude if you plan for it? That doesn’t seem right.

That evening at the homestead, Laura and Mary are busy working at the table. Laura puts down her crayon and shows Mary the campaign poster she designed: “Vote for Mary (underlined in red) The best cantitate [sic].” Mary says “no”, obviously, but Laura says the kids won’t care. It’s sad that almost 140 years later that would still probably hold true.

As Mary evaluates the poster some more, Pa enters the house. “Pa, you’ll never guess,” Laura says. Pa takes a couple stabs at Laura’s news: “You got 100 on an arithmetic test. You got a zero on an arithmetic test. Your sister Mary got nominated for class president.” Laura accuses her father of peeking, but he says he heard about it from Nels. Pa congratulates Mary and calls her Madame President. Mary says he should be congratulating Nellie, but Laura calls herself Campaign Manager and says that her sister is going to win. Carrie (you remember her – the one who falls down the hill all the time?) says that she’ll vote for Mary. Pa believes that more than the Ingalls girls will vote for Mary, but the candidate doesn’t think so since Nellie is going to have a campaign party. “Nellie invited all the girls to her house except us for ice cream and cake tomorrow,” Laura says. I guess Mary is running as a candidate for the Pity Party. Pa goes against the party’s mission statement by suggesting the girls host their own event the following weekend.

Meanwhile, Elmer is at his place tending to the chickens in the coop. As he takes particular care of one chicken, Elmer’s father enters the barn. He greets his son who reports that the chicken’s neck is looking a lot better. Oh, I get it. The wounded birds are a metaphor. That’s one of the tricks of the trade I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks: anything that seems heavy handed or cannot be easily explained can just be described as “artistic vision” or a “metaphor”. Try it in your day to day life: it is amazingly liberating. Anyway, Elmer asks if the other chickens will attack this bird again if he reintroduces it to the flock. Pa says that they might and it’s just in their nature. I’m just waiting for a spider to weave “Some Pig” over Elmer’s head. Pa tells Elmer it is time to wash up for supper. Elmer says he just needs to feed his rabbit and then he’ll be done. Please let the rabbit be named George, please. Lenny would be even more awesome.

Elmer changes the subject before we learn more about the rabbit. He tells his Pa about the nomination. Rather than congratulating his son, Pa asks who nominated Elmer. “Joel and Kenny,” Elmer replies. They also appointed themselves as Elmer’s campaign managers. Pa doesn’t like where this is going and checks to make sure that Elmer is talking about the kids that pick on him and not some other Joel/Kenny combo (Koel? Jenny?). Elmer is being all Pollyanna about the whole situation which doesn’t seem to sit well with Pa. He doesn’t say anything at the moment and decides to remind Elmer that supper is almost ready.

Pa goes back into the house where Mrs. Elmer’s Mom is setting the table. The parents chit chat about what Elmer is up to in the barn. Ma likes that he takes such good care of the animals, but Pa is concerned that if they aren’t careful there will be sick stray animals all up in their business. At least the kid has aptitude in some area. Pa walks over to Ma and tells her that the “dag burn Turner boys” were the ones who nominated Elmer. Ma reminds her husband to remind Elmer that he should not count on winning. Wait, why are these parents being realistic? Don’t they watch this show? I don’t have a Good Mommy/Good Daddy tag.

Ma walks over to the kitchen to do final dinner preparations as Pa draws out the wounded bird metaphor. This is also where they confirm that Elmer is a little slower than the rest of the kids, just in case that wasn’t already clear. They also reflect on whether it was a good idea to keep Elmer out of school for a couple of years after a bad experience in Springfield. Pa wonders if maybe they should have kept him out of school in Walnut Grove. “He wants to go, Sam,” Ma says. Sam contemplates this as he stares at a fire in the hearth. Ma gives her husband a hug. Aww, don’t be sad Dobkins family.

Bunny 5/5

That night Charles is in the barn working on a project of some sort. There’s not much light in this scene but it looks like it might be a wheelchair. Laura comes in dressed in her pajamas. Pa asks her what she is up to and Laura says she wanted to say good night. After they hug, Laura inspects the Pa's project. He confirms that it is a wheelchair that he is fixing up. I hope he does something about the seat back because it is worn through to the point that it is framing Laura in the shot. We can see through the busted wicker that Laura is a little freaked out by the wheelchair concept. “But she doesn’t need a wheelchair,” she claims. Pa pauses before responding, “Half-pint, we don’t know that.” Laura calls no waysies based on the fact that she prays to God every night that Nellie will get better. Pa tries to begin rebutting this point (I would start with “even God has limitations when it comes to Nellie Oleson”) but Laura flat out denies her father. “God’ll fix everything,” Laura says as she inches toward the door with a tear rolling down her face. “You wait and see.” The Melodramatic Piano of the Dentist Office Waiting Room music begins to play as Pa calls out for his daughter.

The next morning Charles ties the chair to Doc Baker’s wagon. They chit chat a bit before Caroline comes outside to greet the Doc. She invites him to the picnic that the Ingalls family will be hosting that afternoon, but he has to decline the invitation. “Folks around here seem dead-set on getting sick whenever the fish are biting,” he quips before taking off.

Charles walks over to his wife and asks if Laura has changed her mind about going to the picnic. Caroline says she hasn’t, so Charles offers to ask one more time. Inside the house Laura is working on an assignment. Pa enters and tells his daughter that the family is leaving. She tells him to have a good time and continues to work. Pa starts to say something, but Laura interrupts him again to say that she doesn’t feel like fishing anyway. Pa makes a frowny face then leaves.

Over at the Oleson house, the wheelchair is set up in the parlor and Doc Baker is carrying Nellie down the stairs. That girl has huge feet. Her nightgown is robin’s egg blue – a color that does not do her any favors. Doc Baker sets the girl down in the chair and she is instantly enthralled with the new digs. Harriet is being a, well, nervous Nellie, and I’m not sure if it is because of the second-hand nature of the chair or because her daughter is supposedly an invalid. Doc Baker tells Nellie how to work the chair and also reports that her arm splint will be able to come off in a couple of days. Nellie does a couple of donuts in the parlor (we see that some sort of patch was put on the wicker) while Harriet continues to fidget. Nellie seems pretty satisfied with her new toy and asks when her father will be back. Harriet reports that he should be back this afternoon when he and Willie return from Springfield with the new doll house. Doc Baker calls his patient a lucky girl and then heads out the door.

Harriet thanks Doc Baker for his service and says she will have to ride out to the Ingalls’ place to thank Charles in person. Once the door is closed, Nellie suggests to her mother that she ride out now. Harriet says she can’t leave Nellie alone, but the girl says she can take care of herself. She goes on to say that she can watch the store and that the customers can take down any items that are out of reach. Harriet is still reluctant until Nellie whines “Pleeeeease?” Harriet calls her daughter “brave”. You know who dislikes that sort of terminology? Disabled people. She then decides to head out. As soon as the front door is closed, Nellie hops up from her seat, runs to close the door to the Mercantile, jumps, and does a jig. Seriously?

We join Harriet as she rides up to the Ingalls homestead. Laura is in the stable and has Bunny all saddled up. She’s telling the horse that they’ll go for a ride so that they both won’t be cooped up all day. Harriet walks by the barn and stops once she sees the animal inside. “Where did you get that horse?” she demands. Laura acknowledges that she has been hiding the horse and Harriet jumps to the conclusion that that is why Laura has been so nice to Nellie. I guess since guilt is a concept unfamiliar to Harriet, this would be the next logical conclusion to reach. Laura denies Harriet’s reconstruction of the scenario but it is irrelevant since Harriet says she will take the horse with her. Laura screams “No!” and hops on the horse. Her stunt double rides the horse as fast as possible into town.

The stunt double arrives at the Oleson’s place. Laura dismounts and peeks through the window. Well, well, it looks like Nellie asked her doll to the Sadie Hawkins dance and they are getting their waltz on in the parlor. The filming switches to voyeur-cam as Laura sees the action between the curtains. Laura backs away from the window when she realizes that she has been scammed. She knocks on the door, causing Nellie to slam the music box shut and hop into her chair. However, Nellie’s nightgown gets caught under her right foot causing the fabric to tent. Aside from the almost instant continuity error, wouldn't Nellie realize that there is no way for that to happen and therefore fix it before telling whoever is knocking to “come in”? Check-minus, show -- do a second take next time.

Anyway, Laura opens the door and asks Nellie what she is doing. Nellie says she is watching the store for mother. Laura says she just saw Nellie’s mother and that she was asked to take Nellie outside for some fresh air. Laura is all catatonic as she is delivering her lines, which Nellie doesn’t seem to notice. Laura pushes the girl out the door. Hmm, another error: how did Laura get Nellie down from the porch when there’s no ramp? Laura is jogging behind Nellie and tells her she needs to pick up speed to get up the hill. Nellie is getting rather nervous at this point. They reach the top of the hill near the mill and Laura claims she has to take a breather. Nellie is all "whatever" at this point, mainly because she is somewhat powerless to extract herself from this situation. Laura starts to ramble about how her life has changed after the accident, causing Nellie to ask if she is alright. Laura wonders why she would ask that. “You just seem to be acting funny,” Nellie replies. No, more like acting poorly.

Just then, Mrs. Oleson rides into town and Laura notices the wagon. She stands up and calls for Mrs. Oleson’s attention. Harriet stops, looks up and yells “Laura Ingalls, what have you done with that filthy animal?” Laura runs behind the chair saying, “Nellie, your mother wants you!” She then pushes Nellie’s chair down the hill. Nellie starts to scream, most likely because she is in a situation where she could ACTUALLY BE KILLED. WTF, Half-pint? “You’re such a good friend, Nellie!” Laura says smiling. Nellie and her stunt dummy make it all the way to the bottom of the hill but the chair hits a rock causing Nellie to flip over and land in some water. Harriet is shocked that her daughter is soaking wet but rather subdued for someone who might have just seen her daughter being murdered. Nellie stands up and whines and sobs about being soaked. Harriet sees this as a miracle and swoons backwards out of her wagon. Jeezy creezy, this is so cliché and stupid.

Back at the Oleson house, Laura is pacing outside as Bunny stands off to the side. Nels comes outside and Laura asks if Nellie will be alright. He says yes and says he doesn’t blame Laura for wanting to scare his daughter. He acknowledges that Nellie may be more in the wrong here than Laura. I have to disagree. Laura was stubborn and a doormat in dealing with the Nellie situation but her reaction was a little bit over the top and not quite justified. Whatever, if Nels is okay calling it zero sum, that’s his business. He then surprises Laura by giving her the horse. “An animal is no different than a person,” he says, “it needs to be with someone who loves it.” Sure, why not? Laura’s stunt double rides down the street a bit before running into Jason. Laura asks if he would like to join her and Pa on their next fishing trip. He agrees and they head out.

Nellie watches this scene unfold from her bedroom window and she is not happy. “I HATE YOU LAURA!” she screams (and repeats) as she begins to trash her room. She throws her doll against the wall then gets in a pillow fight with a vase of flowers on her desk. After throwing some books, she grabs a hairbrush and sets her sights on the new doll house. As she gets all smashy smashy on the roof, Willie barges in and tells her to stop. “Don’t break that stuff, give it to me,” he says. Nellie keeps swinging as she calmly says “it’s girl stuff.” Willie says he could sell it, but his sister turns around and she has this look in her eyes that seems to suggest that he will be the next smashy smashy target if he doesn’t leave the room. After Willie runs out, Nellie grabs a horse figurine and says, “I’ll fix you, Laura Ingalls. I’ll fix you.” She throws the horse at a framed needlepoint picture of Harriet. Girlfriend should go to Charm School.

Bunny 1/5

Laura is running across a field and grabs a bright red apple from a tree. She doesn't stop until she reaches a corral where a black horse is hanging out. Laura gives the horse the apple and says she doesn't have time to chat. The horse doesn't seem too broken up by this revelation. Laura continues down the road into town, dropping some books along the way. She retrieves them and moseys on to school. As the horse finishes the apple, we see that this episode was written and directed by Michael Landon. That's always a sign that some really bud stuff is going to go down in Walnut Grove this week.

Laura runs into school, throws off her hat and lunch pail, and then scrambles to her seat. She apologizes to Miss Beadle who asks why Laura was late when Mary was on time. "I had to stop by Simpson's orchard to get an apple for someone," the girl replies. Miss Beadle is touched by the sentiment and thanks Laura. Laura sheepishly corrects Miss Beadle, saying that the apple was for someone else. Nellie announces that the apple was for a horse. The class laughs while Mary rolls her eyes. Miss Beadle tells Laura that she should do her gift giving after school from now on. She then gives the class some time to review some spelling words before an oral exam. The school/church/playhouse is also a dentist office? Oh, wait, I get it.

Nellie leans forward and whispers to Laura to stop feeding her horse. Laura says the horse likes apples, but Nellie doesn't care since the horse is not Laura's anymore. "You only do it because you want her to like you more than she likes me," Nellie says. Laura smiles and says to Nellie, "so that's why you give Miss Beadle apples." Miss Beadle notices the chatter and asks Laura why she is talking instead of working. Laura tells her that Nellie was explaining why she gives apples to the teacher.

After school, Mary is reprimanding Laura about the talking incident from earlier. Really? Nothing else happened at school that day? As they walk home, Laura shares her regret about trading the horse to Mr. Oleson. Mary reminds her that the trade got a stove for Ma. Laura is just disappointed that Nellie is treating the horse so poorly. As the girls walk by the Oleson Corral, Nellie is on top of the horse and is continuously lashing it with her whip. The horse is not a fan and Laura notices this. Laura reaches out to pet the horse's face, but Nellie tells her to back off as she lashes the horse some more. "Don't do that!" Laura commands. But Nellie just does as she damn well pleases saying, "I know how to handle a horse," and continues to thwack it. The horse has had enough and busts out of the corral. Laura screams for Bunny, the horse, to come back. The horse runs up a hill into a wooded area and Nellie gets hit with a tree branch right across the face. She flies off the horse as the girls continue to run after both of them. When they reach Nellie she is unresponsive. Mary goes to get Doc Baker.

Nellie is still unconscious during the examination. She has been moved to her bedroom and Doc Baker looks a tad grim after he examines her eyes. The Ingalls girls watch along with Nels and Harriet. Nels asks if the Doc knows anything yet, but all he can report is that Nellie has a slight concussion. Harriet is horrified by the news. She asks why she won't wake up, and the Doc says although the concussion is slight, the hit to the head was rather significant. Nels asks about Nellie's arm and Doc Baker says he'll get a splint on it just in case there is a slight break. Harriet asks Nels why he let Nellie keep the horse but Nels isn't too worried about his daughter. Since Nels won't engage, Harriet turns on Laura, saying it was her horse and that she should have said it was dangerous. Seriously, lady? That's like saying "how was I supposed to know that this gun shot bullets?" Nels cuts in and says it was an accident, but Harriet believes that the horse deliberately ran her daughter into a tree. Either way, how would that be Laura's fault? Harriet says the horse should get snuffed, but Laura says it wasn't the horse's fault. "I know where the fault lies, Laura Ingalls," starts Mrs. Oleson. "You traded a vicious animal because you wanted to get rid of it for a stove that cost a great deal of money." I realize a lot of this is just the anger talking, but it takes two to trade, Harriet. An "as is" sale is an "as is" sale. Nels tells his wife to calm down, but she continues to threaten the Ingalls girl.

Meanwhile, Nellie wakes up and calls out for her mother. Both her parents go to her side as Doc Baker tells the patient that she gave everyone quite a scare. Laura is relieved as is Mary. The Doc asks how Nellie feels but she says she doesn't know, just that she feels strange. Doc Baker asks for some clarification and Nellie says she can't feel her legs. Harriet gives Doc Baker a look that seems to say "You broke my daughter!" but the Doc cordially offers to do a little test. He pulls out a needle and Nellie gets all kinds of nervous. Doc Baker says it won't hurt and Nellie should speak up if she feels anything. Wouldn't it "not hurting" be a bad thing in this scenario? Anyway, he pokes the tip of Nellie's toe and asks if she feels anything. She says no, so Doc Baker pokes other toes and parts of her feet. She doesn't give any sort of response, but I have to wonder if maybe she has managed to psych herself out of feeling anything. Doc Baker really should poke the center of her sole, but he doesn't. Instead he asks if she can move her legs and Nellie says she can't in the most matter of fact way possible. Harriet is devastated by this news and Nels consoles her. Doc Baker says it should only be a temporary condition. Really?

The Ingalls girls watch this unfold, Mary looking stern and resolute while Laura looks like she is about to start panicking any moment. Harriet, mid-sob, tells Nels to go downstairs and shoot the horse. Nels tries to reason with his wife, but she says she'll shoot the horse if he won't. She then turns to Laura and says "I hope you're happy Laura Ingalls, now that you have made my little girl crippled." Everybody is a little offended by the statement, though I think it is almost fitting that Harriet get thrust into such a situation. With all of her fat-phobia, deaf-phobia, and classist bullshit she has spewed over the years, it's about time some real life hit her. Doc Baker tells Mrs. Oleson that no one is to blame and that she is jumping to conclusions. Before he can finish, Harriet interrupts to say, "Well, make her walk, Doctor." She then turns to her daughter and instructs her to walk. "I can't, mother," Nellie says, the way one would say "I'll mow the lawn this afternoooooon."

Harriet begins to sob and yell. "You get out of my house, Laura Ingalls. And don't you ever come back here again." She then tells Nels to "put that animal to sleep." I think she meant the horse, but Laura runs out of the room with Mary chasing after her. Laura runs all the way down to the stable and starts to cry just outside of Bunny's stall. Mary tells Laura it isn't her fault, but Laura believes that it is. Laura claims it isn't Bunny's fault because the horse didn't know any better. Laura mounts Bunny and Mary asks what she is doing. Laura says she needs to take the horse so the Olesons won't kill it. Mary shouts after her sister when she rides out of the stable.

At the homestead, Caroline looks a little stressed as Charles contemplates at the mantle. She starts to say something, but Charles snaps "I looked every place; we're just going to have to wait." Jeez, a little touchy there. There is the sound of a horse's whinny, which causes both Ma and Pa to go outside. Laura has returned with the horse. Caroline hugs her daughter as Laura explains that she wanted to hide Bunny but didn't know where to go. Charles says he'll put Bunny up in the barn and tells Laura to go inside. She asks her Pa not to let anyone hurt Bunny. Okay, show, I think we have the basic theme here, can we move along please?

The Raccoon 5/5

Laura and Mary are lying in bed. Mary asks her sister if she hates her. “Why should I hate you?” Laura asks. Oh, honey. Mary goes into a determinism monologue about how she brought Jasper into everyone’s life, she didn’t tell Pa about the bite initially, and then she did tell Pa after promising Laura she wouldn’t. Laura argues against all these points and tells Mary that she did what a sister should do. Mary then takes the approach that she broke a promise by telling Pa. Guh, I find people like this to be so tiresome. If you want to wallow in your failures, that’s your business, but don’t come to me to validate you. I did not RSVP for your itty bitty pity party, ok? Anyway, the girls go back and forth, swap “I love you’s”, cry, and start braiding each other’s hair.

Jack is trying to get some sleep in the barn but someone is rustling some hay and making a lot of noise. It’s Caroline, who is trying to work off some stress. She stops out of surprise when she sees Charles, but then they hug and he tells her everything will be all right. Mary calls from the stoop that Laura is thirsty. Caroline’s face lights up since Doc Baker said it would be a sign of progress, but Charles calms her down. Up in the loft, Charles helps Laura drink and then tucks her in. Jack starts barking again and the whole family looks at each other before looking out the window. Jack is jumping and barking and carrying on far more than usual. Charles closes the shutter as everyone holds back tears. He tells everyone to stay in the loft. Once downstairs he takes the gun off the coat rack and fills it with powder.

Charles slowly walks towards Jack and the barn as Caroline cradles her crying daughters. Jack is still carrying on once Charles arrives. I should point out that Hallmark thought it was appropriate to cut in at this point to advertise for Slim Fast, toilet paper, KFC, and the Scooter Store. Charles pulls back the hammer of the gun and starts to lift the barrel. Jack starts to whimper and back away. Pa is getting ready to aim when something jumps up behind him. He turns around and sees a raccoon. The raccoon does the face covering trick. Charles is so happy to see that it is Jasper, which means he wasn’t the rabid raccoon. Charles runs into the house and tells the family about the mix-up. It’s just like Three’s Company, except I don’t think Mr. Roper ever tried to shoot Jack in the face. Laura runs down to the barn to untie the dog. If you ignore the part about not being a complete plot resolution, happy ending!

The Raccoon 4/5

Mary and Carrie are sitting on the Ingalls’ wagon outside of Doc Baker’s office. Inside, the Doc examines Laura’s bite and asks when it happened (four days ago). “Well then we better start treatment immediately,” he says. He reaches for a jar of gumdrops and prescribes one for Laura. Doc Baker gives Laura a couple extra for her sisters and then sends her off so he can talk with the parents. After he closes the door behind the girl, Caroline says “Doctor, does she.” I’m guessing she was supposed to trail off or Doc was supposed to interrupt, but neither happens. He says it is too early to tell if there is a problem and advises that they watch the dog to see if any symptoms present. Basically by the time the dog goes through the entire Rabies ordeal Laura should start presenting. In other words, Laura should avoid the dog if she doesn’t want any spoilers. Caroline takes a breath before asking what the treatment is should Laura develop Rabies. I believe you just saw the treatment take place, Ma. Doc Baker just looks sternly at Charles who answers that there isn’t a treatment. Doc Baker looks down. I love how this show can turn a really stupid episode into a House/Old Yeller hybrid that is beyond over-the-top.

Back at the homestead, Caroline is tucking Laura in and tries to talk up all the perks of being bedridden. Laura can tell that there is something going on and asks what is going to happen to her. Caroline tells her daughter that nothing is going to happen aside from Laura getting plenty of rest. You’ll never win at poker with a face like that, Caroline. Caroline leaves to get some milk as Charles looks on. Laura asks her Pa for the truth, so he goes on to tell her that because a raccoon bit her she will develop dark circles around the eyes, pointy ears, and a craving for eggs. He leaves out the part about high fevers, seizures, and breathing spasms. Laura still knows what’s what and calls her Pa on this. She’s figured out that since Jasper bit Jack and Jack is tied up, that must mean that Pa thinks the dog might get sick, therefore Laura might get sick. The kid’s perceptive, I’ll give her that. They hug. Aww.

Jack is sitting in the barn and looking into a key light. Charles brought a bowl of water and sets it down in front of the dog. Jack takes one look at it and sashays to the left and politely sits down. Aiiiiieeee! Hydrophobia! Or, like the dogs I had growing up, total disinterest in anything I present it that isn’t classified as “doggy treat” or “meat”. Meanwhile, Caroline is in the loft and offers Laura some water. Or they’re playing Password. I’m a little confused, see if you can follow:

Laura: gigglingWater?
Ma: Drink.
Laura: Milk.
Ma: Cool.
Laura: Orange Juice
Ma: Water.

I don’t get what is going on there. Mary is sitting in the common room reading to Carrie as Charles returns from the barn. He looks up at Caroline and walks away. Laura says “Plow” and Mary starts to read again. Later that night, Charles is sitting in the common room contemplating when he hears Jack barking. He goes outside to investigate and Jack stops and lies down once he sees Charles. Charles looks up and notices Laura looking out the window. She closes the shutters as Pa goes for a walk. We can see Caroline kneeling by the bed praying.

The Raccoon 3/5

The family is gathered in the common room doing their nightly routine. Caroline takes Carrie to bed as the other girls are at the table finishing homework. Pa hears some scratching at the door and lets Jack in. The dog jumps on the table and Charles pulls him off and starts to play with him. Charles asks Laura where she was all day and she replies that she was looking for Jasper. She’s holding out hope that the raccoon will come back, but Pa tells her that maybe the animal has decided to stay in the woods. Pa tries to console Laura by pointing out that Jack is still there, but she blames the dog for all of her current woes. “It wasn’t Jack’s fault,” Mary interrupts, “Jasper bit him!” Mary Ingalls sucks at lies of omission. Laura calls her on this, but Pa intercedes to find out the whole story. Mary spills the beans and Charles tells the younger daughter that the raccoon could have ripped Jack to shreds. He continues by saying that this resolution is probably the best for all involved. The girls finish their homework in a pouty fashion.

Later that night, we see a raccoon sneaking into the henhouse. Jack is on the case and starts barking. I think the dog has had more lines of dialogue in this episode than Carrie had in the entire series. Anyway, the barking wakes up the girls and the sound of chickens getting mutilated wakes up Ma and Pa. Judging by the lack of wardrobe for Charles I think he and Caroline may have been up to something. Either that or Michael Landon felt the stupidity of the plot should be balanced out by some beefy man-chest action. He goes to the barn to investigate. After lighting a lantern, Charles notices some rustling in the loft. He goes to the ladder and then the camerawork gets all horror movie-like. When he gets midway up the ladder, about the point where his head would be above the base of the loft, a raccoon lunges at Pa’s face. Charles falls to the ground, but quickly gets up and grabs a pitchfork. As he makes quick work of the raccoon, the rest of the family runs out to see what’s going on. Charles notices them and tells Caroline and the kids to go back inside. Laura lingers until he tells her to go with her mother.

Back inside, Caroline is cradling a weeping Laura on the parents’ bed. Charles describes what happens as “sorrowful” and then tries to claim self-defense. Laura blames herself for what happened since she kept giving Jasper eggs. Mary is making her Kathy Selden face as she watches the scene unfold. Charles explains to Laura that raccoons have been harassing chickens for years, but Laura starts wailing “you were right!” Oh, to be eight again.

We now see Charles back in the barn wearing gloves and slowly stroking Jack’s head. Caroline comes in and starts to approach Charles, but he tells her to stay back. Uh oh, the raccoon had Rabies and Charles discovered that the bite Jack received broke the skin. The dog is now in quarantine in the barn.

The next morning Mary is going about her chores when she hears Jack yelping in the barn. She sees that the dog is tied up and goes to let him loose. I guess someone forgot to bring up at breakfast that the family dog might be rabid. Charles enters the barn just as Mary starts to work on the knot and he explains the situation. Mary starts to freak out since she knows Laura’s deep, dark, “my pet bit me” secret. She asks Pa through her tears if people can get Rabies from a bite and when he replies affirmatively, she hugs Pa and starts weeping. Mary finally tells Pa that Jasper bit Laura and starts doing that weeping/babbling thing that supposedly builds up the dramarama. This entire exchange is filmed in extreme close-up of Mary, which reveals one thing: Mary Ingalls sucks at crying.

The Raccoon 2/5

It’s show-and-tell day at school. Guess what Laura brought. All the kids are gathered around Miss Beadle’s desk and they are totally enthralled. Miss Beadle quizzes the kids on the diet of raccoons. Survey says: bugs, fish, birds, eggs. Willie Oleson guesses toes. BUZZ. Willie would so be the guy in the fifth spot on Family Feud. Could you imagine the Ingalls family playing against the Olesons? And Richard Dawson making out with Harriet and Nellie? Anyway, one kid mentions that raccoons are around his house all the time and there’s nothing special about them. Maybe your family should be putting the trash cans away, kiddo. Laura finishes her demo by feeding Jasper an egg. Everyone is impressed. Miss Beadle thanks Laura and then reminds the kids to think about their new raccoon-related essay assignment. Miss Beadle dismisses the class, and one girl takes that as her cue to ask Laura if she can hold Jasper. All the kids lurch forward and Jasper snarls at a hand that comes close to his face. The class steps back and Miss Beadle warns them to be careful. Is there something in the town water supply that is making all the adults dumb as posts in this episode? “See, I told you,” whines Willie. “He eats toes and fingers, too.” Shut up, Willie.

It’s Sunday morning and Charles is hitching up the team. Laura is wearing her church dress as she runs to the barn to say bye to Jasper. She explains to the animal where she is going and why he can’t go. She then tells Jasper that if he hides his eyes, she will give him an egg. The raccoon then puts its paws on its nose as if he was hiding. Okay, that was sort of cute. Laura hands Jasper the egg, says bye, and runs out of the barn closing the door behind her.

Shortly after the Ingalls leave for church, Jasper sneaks out of the barn through a hole in a board. He chases around a few chickens and then finds a way inside of the house. Jack sees all of this from a distance and knows what’s up and starts barking his head off. Jasper is seen rummaging through the house and knocking things off the kitchen surfaces. When the Ingalls clan returns, Jack is still freaking out at the front door. We then see the raccoon covering his eyes as if he knows the jig is up. Oh please, show. Mary runs over to Jack to calm him down as Laura opens the front door. Jasper runs out as Laura looks inside. She takes one glimpse then runs over to the barn. Charles walks in holding Carrie and he and Caroline survey the damage. Pa is fed up and says the raccoon is outta there.

Laura storms into the barn and starts to scold Jasper. Honey, that doesn’t work on domesticated dogs, why would it work on your little beast? Charles walks in and grabs a sack from over Laura’s head. He tells her that the fun is over as he snatches Jasper into the sack. We see Charles ride out to some undisclosed location and then dump Jasper out in the wild. We see Jasper scamper off as Charles gets back in the wagon. However, when he returns to the barn he is greeted by the raccoon doing his eye-covering trick and Laura smiling. Wait a minute, not only was Jasper able to find his way back but he was able to beat a team of horses? I call no waysies. “I’m the only mommy he’s got,” Laura tells her father. As Charles tries to think of a plan B, Jasper walks over to Laura and...oh. Oh no. It starts to lick Laura’s hair and face. GROSS!!!!! That’s just, oh, nonononononono. Charles says he’s going to build a cage.

That evening, Laura goes to feed Jasper but Jack is giving her trouble. We can hear him carrying on as Laura tries to open the door, so she asks Mary to hold onto the dog. Laura goes over to the cage and asks Mary to ask Jack to be quiet. “Stop it,” Mary says with the flattest affect possible. Mary Ingalls sucks at dog whispering. Jasper is rather feisty as Laura opens the cage. She puts the bowl of food into the cage and goes to pet Jasper but he snarls and bites the hand that feeds him. Mary pushes Jack away as she runs over to check on Laura. Jasper gets out of his cage and the two animals get into a barking/snarling match. Jack is ahead on points until Jasper lands a bite on the dog. The raccoon runs off before Jack can chase after it. As Laura tries to see where her animal went, Mary checks the dog. She sees that Jasper did indeed land a bite on Jack, which Laura dismisses as a little nip. Mary mourns the fact that Jasper turned wild, but Laura claims that Jasper was just agitated and he’ll come back eventually. Mary warns her sister that Pa won’t like that once he finds out about the bites, but Laura asks Mary not to tell Pa. Laura doesn’t want to lose Jasper, so she decides to engage in a little lie of omission. “I opened the cage and Jasper ran off. And that’s the truth,” Laura asserts, enlisting her sister in the story. Yeah, I’m sure that will work out great for everyone involved.