The Music Box 4/5

Laura runs through some woods and slows down when she reaches a clearing. She creeps up to a tree and tags Willie. “Gotcha,” says Laura. “No you didn’t,” says Willie. Sounds to me like Willie is planning on a career in soccer refereeing. Laura says she just tagged him, shaking his shoulders a bit to illustrate her point. Willie still claims that Laura didn’t find him. Has Willie started reading up on existentialism? I already have to deal with the dream sequences; don’t throw philosophy into the mix, show. Instead, Willie mimes holding a box and singing “dum dum dum, dum DUM dum, dum dumdumdumdumdumdum.” Laura recognizes the Nerd March and her eyes widen. Willie smiles. “You’re right,” Laura says catatonically, “I didn’t find you.” I think this episode is slowly turning into The Manchurian Candidate.

That evening at dinner everyone is quiet. Charles asks how things are at school, but both Mary and Laura mumble, “Fine, just fine.” Charles asks if the girls are using the new dictionary. “Some,” they both answer. Yeah, evidently. Charles asks about the music box, but this causes Mary to ask to be excused. Mary heads up to the loft. Pa asks if the two girls had a fight. Laura hems and haws, but Charles doesn’t press the point. He sends Laura upstairs.

When Laura gets up to the loft, Mary asks her why she didn’t tell Pa how mean she was to Anna. Laura denies that she was mean and that she likes both Anna and Nellie. Mary calls BS on this, saying that Laura didn’t like Nellie until she received the music box. Isn’t that how gifts work? Laura throws out the “you’re just jealous” but leaves off the “I’m not here to make friends.” Mary snaps back that she doesn’t want to be in the club.

At this point Charles comes up to see what all the fighting is about. Mary says that Laura and Nellie were being mean to Anna. Laura says she didn’t do anything mean, which I think I agree with based on what we saw. “Anna thought you were her best friend,” Mary snarls, “and then you hurt her just like all the others.” Come to think of it, Laura has gone through quite a few “best friends” on this show. Mary might have a point. Mary says Laura made Anna cry, which Laura denies doing on purpose – she just wanted to play with Nellie. Charles reminds Laura that she made a promise (she did?). Laura says, “I guess so,” which fails to impress Pa. Also, he doesn’t understand why Laura can’t be friends with both girls. Mary explains that Nellie’s club doesn’t like Anna because she stutters. Indoor voice, Mary, please. Pa asks if that is true and Laura reluctantly agrees. He tells Laura to tell Nellie that she can’t be in the club unless Anna can be in the club. Everyone leaves grumpy. Laura sits on the bed and contemplates the music box.

Oh no, not another dream. This time the Nerd March has some sort of dragon breathing sound effect accompaniment. That’s a bad sign. A battalion of redcoats beat on drums as a wagon carrying prisoner Laura approaches. Is that a gallows? A man in a hood leads Laura off the wagon and past her family gathered at the foot of the gallows steps. Laura hugs Caroline, but the hood pulls her away. An executioner sucking on a candy cane watches from above. Laura walks up the steps and the executioner (played by Nellie) grabs Laura and puts her into position under a noose. Nellie pulls the rope down and places it around Laura’s neck.

Time-out! There is no way in hell that a scene like this could get on TV today. The Parents Television Council would throw a level five shitfit if this were on broadcast TV. You know anyone who describes ‘Little House’ as “quaint” or “banal” has never watched an episode because you have this, which was on during the family hour in its original broadcast. And there was no “viewer discretion is advised” or “TV-14”.

Time-in. Nellie tightens the rope around Laura’s neck(!). Laura glances over to the lever as a drumroll starts to play. Nellie stands for a moment and grabs hold of the lever. Laura watches. Nellie pushes the switch.

Laura, who is wearing a pillowcase over her head, rises out of bed and grabs her neck. Mary just glares at her sister. “Good night, Laura,” she says flatly. What the friggity frig, yo. “Goodbye, Mary,” Laura says. Mary does a slight double take before both girls nod off.

Nellie spots Laura on the front steps of the Mercantile the next morning. Laura tells Nellie what Charles told her about Anna’s membership. Nellie says he can’t force Anna into the club. I don’t think Charles really cares about your bylaws, Nellie. Laura says she’ll have to quit, but Nellie says Laura better talk to her father or she will. I realize Nellie wants control over Laura, but what is so important about needing Laura in the club? Anyway, Laura says her hands are tied. Nellie thinks for a moment and a sly smile crosses her face. Uh oh. She says that maybe Anna can be in the club. Laura is not suspicious at all and the two girls run to tell Anna the news.

After school the club gathers in Nellie’s room. It is time for Anna’s initiation. Nellie asks why Anna wants to be in the club. Anna says it is a good club and the girls are all her friends. Laura is smiling while the rest of the girls look stoned. The girl to Laura’s right looks like the guy that Wayne and Garth pick up at the beginning of Wayne’s World. Nellie asks who makes the rules (the prez and VP) then hands Anna a sheet with the club’s secret password. Anna looks at the sheet and her face falls. She looks at Laura whose smile fades quickly. Apparently the VP didn’t know about the password rule.

“This isn’t a password,” says Anna. Nellie says it is and tells Anna to read it. The password is “Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers.” *ding* That’s going to be difficult to convey with just one-word clues. Even Betty White would have trouble with that. Anna struggles through the phrase as an evil smile creeps on to Nellie’s hateful face. “No, no,” Nellie scolds, “you have to say it fast.” The girls start to giggle as Nellie heckles the girl. Laura looks mortified. “No Anna,” Laura says, “take your time. You can do it if you take your time.” Anna nods and tries again. Nellie keeps screaming “fast!” Anna struggles to the point of tears and runs out of the room. Laura runs to the door and calls after the girl. She then turns to Nellie. “I hope you’re proud of yourself,” she says. “That’s the meanest thing anybody ever did. “ Laura deduces that this was all a ruse by Nellie to make Anna cry. Laura says Anna just wanted to be friends. Stoner girl looks to Nellie as if to say “where’s your mom with the snacks?” Laura leaves. Nellie rushes to the door and threatens to tell if she doesn’t come back. Nellie slams the door.

The Music Box 1/5

Oh God! Bees are chasing the girls down the hill! Oops, I hit the soccer ball button by mistake on YouTube. Damn vuvuzelas. No worries – the girls are safe. See, a closeup of a bunny rabbit ornament opens the show – everything is super. We pan across the window display and see all sorts of toys. Uh oh. This one is directed by Michael Landon. I take back what I said about the girls being safe – some bad shit is about to go down.

Deep breath. Okay.

Laura stands outside the Mercantile as she looks through the window display. Mary comes out from around the corner and tells her sister that they are going to be late. Laura is anxious not because of Mary’s tardiness but because her birthday is coming up and she wants to know what she is getting for a present. Mary says she isn’t going to tell, mainly because she doesn’t know. This angers Laura. The girls leave for school.

That evening, we see Charles exit Carrie’s room with a wrapped square-shaped item. Hmmm, too thick to be a DVD. Too light to be a laptop. Too small to be an N64. I wonder what it could be? Laura opens the present and it’s…it’s…a dictionary? What the frick kind of present is that? I can see Mary finding 101 uses for it, but it’s Laura’s birthday. She politely thanks her Pa, but you can hear the disappointment in her voice. Pa talks up the book saying that it has all the new words and a science section. As I paused the video to write that last sentence, Mary is giving Charles a look that says “really old man? Even I think that’s pretty square.”

Later on we see Charles and Caroline talking about the book as they get ready to go to sleep. Charles can’t get over the astronomy maps or the atlas. I will admit that does sound like a handy reference tool, but it ranks right up there with a sock-making kit as “most boring present to give a 10 year old”. Caroline smiles and nods, causing Charles to realize his folly. Caroline tries to coddle her hubby by saying she would have picked out the same thing. She justifies this by saying that Laura needs to be happy with getting what she needs rather than what she wants. Although I can agree with that sentiment, I still think this would have been a much more appropriate gift for Mary, especially if the whole family will be sharing the reference material. Actually, the sock-making kit would probably have been a better choice for Laura. Caroline also suspects that years from now Laura will still use the dictionary more than any fancy doodad from today.

The next day Laura resumes her post outside the display window. A blonde girl named Anna runs up and stands by Laura’s side. Laura asks which toy Anna would choose if she got to take one item home. Anna struggles as she says she would take the doll. As Anna stutters through her answer, Laura advises her friend to take her time. Eventually Anna says that she would want a doll, because it would be like having a sister, and she would name it Laura. Aww, this is so sweet – something horrible is going to happen to this girl, I just know it.

Just then, Nellie and a group of girls enter through the back of the Mercantile. Nellie calls over to Laura and demands that she come upstairs to play. Laura politely refuses, but Nellie says they are starting a club – no boys and only Nellie’s bestest friends are allowed. “Why did you invite me?” Laura asks. Nellie’s eyes narrow and she repeats her invitation. Laura says she’d rather play with Anna. Nellie grumbles that Ann can come along, causing the nice blonde girl to perk up. Laura considers for a moment before reluctantly agreeing.

Upstairs the girls browse through Nellie’s toy collection. While the extras murmur about the dollhouses, Laura focuses all of her attention on a music box playing atop Nellie’s desk. Nellie slams the box shut before calling the meeting to order. Nellie recites the agenda that includes roll call followed by election of the vice president. Laura point-of-orders that there needs to be a president, but Nellie says that the club will meet at her house therefore she is President. First, that would make her a dictator. Second, that sounds more like a qualification for Secretary or Sergeant-at-Arms. Nellie nominates Laura for VP, but Laura suggests Anna instead. “She can’t be in the club,” Nellie states. Laura asks why. “Y-y-y-y-you kn-kn-kn-know w-w-w-w-why.” Anna looks down as the other girls giggle. What a b-b-b-b-b-bitch. Before things get really awkward, Harriet barges in and announces that she has snacky snacks ready for all the girls. Laura and Anna stay behind. Anna suggests that they join the others before she leaves the room, her head still hanging down. Laura follows but stops to look back at the music box. She waits a moment before she snatches it from the bed.

The Camp-Out 1/5

Walnut Grove hasn’t changed much since our last visit: Kids still running down the hillside, the wagon still rolling into “The Town”, same old, same old. This episode begins in the school where Miss Beadle is hanging some pictures above the chalkboard. The chalkboard reads “HAppy HoliDAy”. I’m guessing Miss Beadle was an early adopter of MySpace. As the camera zooms in we see the pictures are of different types of leaves.

Miss Beadle acknowledges that the kids are probably excited about the yet-unnamed holiday that is approaching and she has decided that she will not assign any homework. The kids cheer, but Miss Beadle reminds them that their leaf collections are still due the first day back. Willie’s jaw drops just enough so you can fit a beach ball in his mouth. He says he already has his leaf collection. Since when did he become an overachiever? Miss Beadle says that’s fine, but the project still won’t be due until the kids get back.

Laura raises her hand and tells Miss Beadle and the class that the Ingalls family will be going on a camping trip. “We can get all kinds of leaves up in the hills,” she brags. Mary is beaming. Is there a question in there somewhere, Laura, or are you just showing off? Nellie thinks it’s the latter and announces that she thinks it’s unfair that they have access to exotic leaves while everyone else scrambles for the cheap-ass ones in Walnut Grove. Miss Beadle says it really isn’t a big deal. Mary asks, with severity in her voice, if they are going to be graded. Homegirl has her game face on. Miss Beadle says they will and that the best collection will go on display. She dismisses the class. As Laura leaves, she sees that Nellie has her game face on as well.

We join Harriet mid-chew as she kvetches about the Ingalls and their camping trip. “Giving their children an unfair advantage,” she forces through her full mouth. Lovely. Nellie adds to the whining before Nels is all like “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.” Harriet tells her husband to find out where the Ingalls will be camping and then follow along with kids in tow. Nels finds this incredibly tacky, but Harriet plays the “It’s a free country” card, or whatever the equivalent was back then. Why do they have to go to the same spot as the Ingalls family? Couldn’t they just go on their own camping trip and get their stupid leaves that way? Before the logic police start to gather, Harriet and Nellie do a tag team guilt trip about how Nels is allegedly a bad father. Nels counters with his concern about having to close up shop and losing business. Ooo, now it’s a tennis match! Harriet says she can take care of the store. Nels realizes that if Harriet sticks around Walnut Grove, then he gets a vacation from her. He decides to ride out to the Ingalls farm to find out where they are going.

Charles is either working on a chair or his pecs with some hand crank tool in the barn. Nels rides up and chit chats about fishing. He shows Charles his rod (not a euphemism) and Charles says he would love to try it out (still not a euphemism). Charles invites Nels and the kids to tag along, just as long as they don’t mind roughing it. Nels accepts the invitation.

The next day we see Carrie accepting a piece of candy from Nels in the Mercantile. As Caroline and Nels work out the bill, Harriet enters the room. Nels comes up with a total, but determines that the Olesons will use many of those provisions so he gives Caroline a huge discount. Harriet didn’t realize that Caroline was going on the trip also and she starts to reminisce about camping trips she went on when she was a child. Oh, her poor parents, I can just imagine. Caroline nods politely until Harriet says, “I wish I was going along.” Caroline’s eyes widen with panic and Nels rushes to change the subject. It doesn’t quite work, even when Nels reminds his wife about the store. Harriet muses some more as Caroline and Carrie leave.

That night, Nels puts out the lamp in the bedroom and tells his wife that he’ll try to be quiet when they leave tomorrow morning. She tells him not to worry because she is going to make them breakfast. And every meal on the trip. She rises out of bed and I cannot for the life of me figure out what is on her head. It looks like Coolio threw a tickertape parade on her scalp. I’m guessing she’s trying to curl her hair but it looks bizarre. Nels is shocked, not by the hair but by Harriet’s declaration that she will be camping with them. Nels tries every tactic he can think of to convince Harriet to stay but she won’t have any of it. Wah wah.

The next morning, Charles and the family are finishing packing up their stuff. The Olesons ride up and they chit chat about the beautiful weather. Charles offers to help unload the Oleson wagon and Harriet tells him she’ll take care of the package with the tea service. Why would you bring that? Caroline and Charles immediately know that the only person who would pack such a thing would be Harriet, so she must be coming along. Nels confirms this, so Charles and Caroline decide to have a confab in the barn. Charles says he will not go on the trip with Harriet Oleson. Caroline doesn’t like the situation either, but she does mention that Harriet is trying so hard to be nice so they should give her a chance. Charles mutters all Milton-like after Caroline leaves the barn to break the news that they won’t be going on the trip to her children.

The Election 5/5

Election day! Mary is giving a speech about how honored she is by the nomination. She references the conversation she had with Pa regarding campaign promises and refuses to make any. “If you do vote for me, I’ll appreciate it,” she says meekly. Mary Ingalls sucks at stump speeches. Hmm, the class disagrees with me on that one since they give her a healthy round of applause. Nellie is up next. See Mary, Nellie actually stepped onto the dais that Miss Beadle’s desk is on to make her speech. Oh, but she blows her goodwill by referring to her classmates as “fellow Americans.” Miss Beadle actually has to look down to stifle a chuckle. As Nellie confidently blah blah blahs, Laura whispers to her sister that Nellie is really giving a list of reasons to punch her in the nose. Hehe.

Meanwhile Elmer, still muddy from the bay of pigs invasion, is walking up to the school. He stops when he reaches the steps and considers whether or not to enter. He decides to walk in just as Nellie is finishing her speech. “And finally,” she says “you should vote for me because my mother will give a party if I win.” I’ve always been dubious about student government and this is pretty much why. When Nellie steps down, the only person to applaud at first is the girl who seconded Nellie’s nomination. A few other people catch on and politely clap, but it is not as rousing as Mary’s support.

Elmer finally enters the classroom and Miss Beadle is shocked by his appearance. The kids laugh at him. Shut up, children. The teacher asks what happened, but instead of telling the truth Elmer opts for the “Luka” defense and says he slipped and fell. Miss Beadle asks if the other boys were responsible but Elmer is all mum. She tells Elmer to go home and get cleaned up before making his speech, offering to postpone the vote until the afternoon. Elmer thanks her then says he isn’t going to run for president after all. He goes on to say that he is now in on the joke and he’d rather not waste the time. The kids laugh and Miss Beadle tells them to stop. Elmer says it’s fine since he knows that they don’t think much of him anyway. “I don’t even know what a class president is supposed to do,” he says. I bet if you ask your fellow candidates they wouldn’t know either, Elmer.

Elmer goes on to say that he does know what’s right and wrong and that he doesn’t think the older kids should be picking on others. It looks like Joel is taking the words to heart but Kenny still has a stupid look on his stupid face. “And it ain’t right to give someone something to make ‘em vote for you,” he says directly to Nellie. She promptly makes her bitch face (no, the other one). He adds “no pushing people into mud” to the list and that finally makes Kenny reflective. “My mother made me this shirt because she loves me,” Elmer says. “You probably all think that’s dumb. But that’s what’s wrong around here: people don’t pay no mind to other people’s carings.” Ooo, establish that narrative. My government professor from undergrad would be pleased. Laura is starting to get choked up and Mary is already glassy-eyed. Oh, there’s the tear.

Miss Beadle, who is also choked up, thanks Elmer. Mary raises her hand but Miss Beadle says the time for speeches has passed. Mary says she doesn’t want to make a speech: she wants to withdraw. Mary then throws her support behind Elmer. “I know you’re not supposed to run,” Mary says, “but you have to cause you’re the only one that really knows what a president should do.” First off, “not supposed to run”? Based on what criteria? Second, unless a president is supposed to shame people for their bad behavior, I fail to see what Elmer has done to demonstrate a total grasp of the job specifications of the nebulous “class president” position. Anyway, Elmer thinks about it for a moment and decides to stay in the race. Time to vote.

Laura gets her Jeff Probst groove on and tallies the results. The last two votes are for Elmer, making the final tally twelve for Nellie and twelve for Elmer. Ooo, now we get to see a fire-making challenge. Miss Beadle declares a tie, but Mary says there should be twenty-five votes. Nellie points out that Willie went to the outhouse. He couldn’t have voted before leaving the room? Or they couldn’t wait until he came back? Willie comes back in and everyone stares at him. Miss Beadle asks for his vote. Nothing like a secret ballot. Laura tallies the last vote: and it’s for Elmer. Nellie asks how her brother could betray her like that and he says “you’re always picking on me and Elmer won’t let you.” Nellie screams and runs out of the classroom. I just don’t get Minnesota politics. The class cheers for Elmer.

After school, the Ingalls girls rush out of the building and make a bee line for the mill. They cannot wait to tell Pa the news about Elmer’s victory. Mr. Dobkins is at the mill and overhears the story. Laura is beaming that Elmer beat Nellie despite the candy-based disadvantage. Elmer is now walking towards the mill and sees his Pa. Mr. Dobkins excuses himself to meet up with his son. They stare at each other for a moment before Pa Dobkins takes off his hat and says “Congratulations, Mr. President.” They both smile and hug. Aww. Congrats Elmer! This is your first step on your way to becoming Super Nintendo Dobkins!

The Election 2/5

As the kids are leaving school, Nellie is admonishing the girl who seconded her nomination for not doing it fast enough. The girl is all like “whatever, just keep the candy coming.” Following them are Mary and Jim, the former thanking the latter. “It’s nice, you being a boy and all,” Mary says. I have to wonder if Laura would have nominated Mary, unless nominating goes against Leviticus or something. Regardless, Jim says he just wanted to be fair and I’m not really sure what that is supposed to mean in this situation. Mary thanks him again despite this little logic lapse and heads home. Jim sticks around to reconvene with the prankster set. Oh, it turns out that their plan is to not only split the girl vote by having two female nominees but use Elmer to prove that he can beat the smartest kids in the class. Does it count as schadenfreude if you plan for it? That doesn’t seem right.

That evening at the homestead, Laura and Mary are busy working at the table. Laura puts down her crayon and shows Mary the campaign poster she designed: “Vote for Mary (underlined in red) The best cantitate [sic].” Mary says “no”, obviously, but Laura says the kids won’t care. It’s sad that almost 140 years later that would still probably hold true.

As Mary evaluates the poster some more, Pa enters the house. “Pa, you’ll never guess,” Laura says. Pa takes a couple stabs at Laura’s news: “You got 100 on an arithmetic test. You got a zero on an arithmetic test. Your sister Mary got nominated for class president.” Laura accuses her father of peeking, but he says he heard about it from Nels. Pa congratulates Mary and calls her Madame President. Mary says he should be congratulating Nellie, but Laura calls herself Campaign Manager and says that her sister is going to win. Carrie (you remember her – the one who falls down the hill all the time?) says that she’ll vote for Mary. Pa believes that more than the Ingalls girls will vote for Mary, but the candidate doesn’t think so since Nellie is going to have a campaign party. “Nellie invited all the girls to her house except us for ice cream and cake tomorrow,” Laura says. I guess Mary is running as a candidate for the Pity Party. Pa goes against the party’s mission statement by suggesting the girls host their own event the following weekend.

Meanwhile, Elmer is at his place tending to the chickens in the coop. As he takes particular care of one chicken, Elmer’s father enters the barn. He greets his son who reports that the chicken’s neck is looking a lot better. Oh, I get it. The wounded birds are a metaphor. That’s one of the tricks of the trade I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks: anything that seems heavy handed or cannot be easily explained can just be described as “artistic vision” or a “metaphor”. Try it in your day to day life: it is amazingly liberating. Anyway, Elmer asks if the other chickens will attack this bird again if he reintroduces it to the flock. Pa says that they might and it’s just in their nature. I’m just waiting for a spider to weave “Some Pig” over Elmer’s head. Pa tells Elmer it is time to wash up for supper. Elmer says he just needs to feed his rabbit and then he’ll be done. Please let the rabbit be named George, please. Lenny would be even more awesome.

Elmer changes the subject before we learn more about the rabbit. He tells his Pa about the nomination. Rather than congratulating his son, Pa asks who nominated Elmer. “Joel and Kenny,” Elmer replies. They also appointed themselves as Elmer’s campaign managers. Pa doesn’t like where this is going and checks to make sure that Elmer is talking about the kids that pick on him and not some other Joel/Kenny combo (Koel? Jenny?). Elmer is being all Pollyanna about the whole situation which doesn’t seem to sit well with Pa. He doesn’t say anything at the moment and decides to remind Elmer that supper is almost ready.

Pa goes back into the house where Mrs. Elmer’s Mom is setting the table. The parents chit chat about what Elmer is up to in the barn. Ma likes that he takes such good care of the animals, but Pa is concerned that if they aren’t careful there will be sick stray animals all up in their business. At least the kid has aptitude in some area. Pa walks over to Ma and tells her that the “dag burn Turner boys” were the ones who nominated Elmer. Ma reminds her husband to remind Elmer that he should not count on winning. Wait, why are these parents being realistic? Don’t they watch this show? I don’t have a Good Mommy/Good Daddy tag.

Ma walks over to the kitchen to do final dinner preparations as Pa draws out the wounded bird metaphor. This is also where they confirm that Elmer is a little slower than the rest of the kids, just in case that wasn’t already clear. They also reflect on whether it was a good idea to keep Elmer out of school for a couple of years after a bad experience in Springfield. Pa wonders if maybe they should have kept him out of school in Walnut Grove. “He wants to go, Sam,” Ma says. Sam contemplates this as he stares at a fire in the hearth. Ma gives her husband a hug. Aww, don’t be sad Dobkins family.

The Election 1/5

A wide shot of a hillside opens this episode as we watch a boy traipsing along the crest. He slows down as he approaches a tree and begins to crouch towards the ground. He’s found a baby bird struggling in the grass. Fortunately the bird has developed a little bit so it isn’t those ugly slimy creatures that you sometimes see splattered on pavement. The boy looks up and sees the nest that the bird must have called home a few minutes earlier. The boy climbs the tree and places the bird in the nest and tells a nearby bird that he didn’t hurt the chick before he continues on his trek. We don’t see if the mama bird nudges the chick out of the nest again.

The kids are playing outside before school begins and there are a couple of older boys, one with dark hair and one with red hair, running around interfering with everyone’s activities. The boys end up wrestling over by the school house until they notice the Birdman of Walnut Grove approaching. “Did you bring ‘em?” the dark haired boy asks the redhead. The kid says yes but he isn’t in the mood to get into trouble. “Aw, you fret too much,” dark hair says. When was the last time you heard anyone under the age of 18 use the term “fret”? Anyway, the redhead produces an earthworm for dark hair. The boys walk up to the arriving kid and greet him by the name of Elmer. Dark hair says to Elmer, “open your mouth and close your eyes and I’ll give you something to make you wise.” Ooh, a remix (I’m used to the “big surprise” version). Elmer obliges and promptly gets a mouthful of worm. The boys laugh as Mary and Laura look on, scandalized. Elmer tries to rationalize that worms aren’t so horrible to accidentally ingest, but no one is really buying it. The redhead then dives behind Elmer so that dark hair can push the kid over him. Hmmm, Elmer needs to work on his reflexes.

As the twerps run away, Laura jogs over to help Elmer. “If I were you I’d give them both black eyes,” Laura advises. Elmer says that fighting isn’t very Christian like (um, YMMV) to which Laura responds “Oh, I’d do unto ‘em” while brandishing her fist. I do enjoy feisty Laura. Elmer seems a bit blasé about feistiness, claiming that the boys are his friends. Almost immediately the redhead calls over saying “Elmer is the dumbest kid in Walnut Grove.” See, friendly. Yeesh.

Inside the school Miss Beadle announces that during civics class that afternoon there will be nominations for class president. There is some excited chatter after this announcement until the redhead, Kenny, raises his hand and declares that the girls don’t get to vote since women don’t get to vote. Yeah, I can just imagine a progressive like Emma Beadle not allowing females to vote. Shut up, Kenny. Fortunately, since women in 1876 could vote in Wyoming, that will be the precedent Miss Beadle will use to justify the female vote. Some of the boys actually start booing while Nellie screams “And we’ll win!” Sing it Sister Suffragette! Oh, she goes on to say that it is simply a numbers game since there are more girls than boys in the class. Still, you gotta find progress where you can.

During recess we see Nellie and Willie run over to the Mercantile. Inside we see a close-up of the jelly bean canister getting emptied and pull out to find that it is Harriet and not Nellie doing the emptying. She asks her daughter if that will be enough but Nellie mentions that a couple of the girls are partial to sour balls. Willie tries to cash in on the candy giveaway, but Harriet says no way since he is going to vote for his sister anyway. Willie is all “nuh-uh”, so Harriet gives in and fulfills his candy requests.

At this point Nels comes down the stairs and tells the kids to stop raiding the candy. Harriet says it’s alright before sending the kids back to school. “You know what the dentist in Mankato said and I paid dearly for the words,” Nels reminds his wife. Harriet explains that the candy is merely a contribution to her daughter’s political campaign. Harriet leaves to check on the roast in the oven and Nels starts to mumble something about the kids borrowing Harriet’s teeth. Harriet asks if he said something and he bluffs his way out by saying something about the roast being a good piece of beef. Hehe.

Back at school it is nomination time. “We’re going to hold our election just like the national election, the one that gave us Rutherford B. Hayes for our new president,” Miss Beadle explains. Oh jeez. I truly doubt that she is going to establish an Electoral College in the classroom so already it won’t be like the national election. Also, the election of 1876 was a political wrangling nightmare. First off, Samuel Tilden, the Democratic candidate, won the popular vote. However, results were disputed in four states – three of which were in the South (including Florida) where Reconstruction was the status quo. The validation of electoral results had to be determined by congressional committee. This resulted in the Compromise of 1877 which included bringing what some historians believe was the premature end to Reconstruction. Have I mentioned yet that this era of American history (the Gilded Age) is my favorite? Also, if you ever find yourself on I-80/I-90 between Cleveland and Toledo, I highly recommend the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center (exit 91).

So yeah, nominations. Miss Beadle opens the floor and Willie instantly nominates his sister. It takes a while for anyone to second the nomination and Nellie has to “psst” one of the girls sucking on a sour ball to do so. Miss Beadle writes Nellie’s name on the board. Nellie then proposes to close nominations. The class erupts into angry chatter before Miss Beadle calmly reminds her that more than one candidate is needed for an election. Kenny turns around and slaps the blond boy sitting behind him to remind him to nominate someone. This kid, Jim, nominates Mary. Mary is quietly surprised while Laura is ecstatic about this development. Another boy seconds the nomination. After Mary’s name is on the board, Kenny nominates Elmer Dobkins. All the kids laugh as dark hair seconds the nomination. “We need one boy to run against the girls,” one of the pranksters says. Hmmm, I wonder if Elmer’s slogan will be “Choo-choo-choose me!”

The Aftermath 3/5

The church bell rings as the congregation files into the building. The Ingalls family runs into Doc Baker and Jonathan. They exchange greetings and Doc Baker says he hopes for a short sermon because "it's gonna be hotter than you know what" today. Caroline is somewhat scandalized by this. Really? Doc Baker tips his hat in apology. Just then, the sound of horses approaching causes those still outside to turn around. Caroline wonders who the riders are and Mary notices they are carrying guns. Isn't stating the obvious Laura's job? She still hasn't said anything! Charles tells his wife and kids to go inside while he and the other men-folk deal with the arriving posse.

The leader of the posse rides up and says howdy to the gentlemen gathered outside. He's looking for any information about the James brothers because they may have passed through the area recently. Charles asks if the man is a sheriff, but the posse is actually a group of bounty hunters. Charles, Jonathan and Doc Baker exchange a glance. The leader notices this and waxes philosophical about how bounty hunters may be unpopular but they save "you taxpayers a lot of money." Well, no. You're duplicating a service that is already being provided and paid for. Also, what taxes would be applied in this situation? Certainly not federal, since income taxes weren't established until 1918. Doc Baker also asks how the bounty hunters save money. The leader says that trials cost money, so the swift justice served by a bounty hunter gets to bypass that costly step. How considerate. Charles steps forward and tells the leader that the only people they have seen recently with guns are the bounty hunters. The leader suggests that the James brothers might be a bit more subtle than to brandish weapons willy nilly. He then hands a "Wanted" poster to Charles and asks for the townspeople to keep an eye out for trouble. Ominous music plays as they ride off. Doc Baker suggests that they go inside, but Charles hands him the poster first. They instantly recognize the pictures as Dankworth and Hobbes. Jonathan asks Charles why he didn't say anything. Charles responds that he didn't want them killed in cold blood. Doc Baker agrees but thinks that perhaps others should be made aware of the situation. Charles suggests a men-folk meeting during lunchtime the next day.

The bounty hunters ride past the Plaza De Hanson and Jesse see the commotion outside the front window. He has his gun pulled, but since the hunters don't stop Jesse determines that no one in town is aware of their true identities. Frank would rather just get a couple of horses and skip town. Jesse disagrees, saying that Walnut Grove may be the safest place for them to hideout at the moment.

"I wouldn't mind so much if I had a reason, but you won't give me one," Mary whines. We're back at the homestead with Bizarro Caroline laying down the law. Charles is sitting at the table quietly as Mary whines about why she isn't allowed to keep her job. Charles tells her she will find out later, but until then she is simply not allowed to work for the men. Mary reluctantly agrees and sulks her way up to the loft. Laura, who sat on the edge of the loft to watch the scene below, just holds her head in her hands and sighs. Does she have laryngitis this week or something?

Men-folk meeting. Actually, it looks like post meeting since Reverend Alden kindly summarizes that someone will travel to Mankato to tell the marshal there of the situation. The sound of approaching horses is heard again. The bounty hunters have returned and everyone looks concerned. "What are we going to tell them?" asks Nels. "As little as we can," replies Jonathan as he walks over to meet the leader. The leader is less cordial this time, reporting that witnesses saw the James brothers get off the stage in Walnut Grove the week before. One of the posse members happens to be the stagecoach driver and he was able to positively ID the guys based on the latest published photos of the criminals. The leader asks where they are but no one responds. "Harboring criminals is a serious offense," the leader warns,"we either get your cooperation or every building in this town is gonna be turned inside out. Believe me we have the authority." From who? Granted, my only knowledge of the world of bounty hunters comes from the Metroid games and Midnight Run, so unless this guy rolls up into a ball and starts dropping F-bombs I don't think he's legit.

Anyway, no one answers the leader's threat. Reverend Alden steps forward and suggests that they convene a town meeting. The leader is dubious about this, but Alden emphatically restates that they need a town meeting. The leader suspects that something is up, but decides to allow for a meeting in one hour. Oh, and they are going to seal the town. Jonathan says some of the kids in school live outside of town, so the leader says the kids can leave but everyone else has to stay put. The posse splits up to cover the exits.

Back at Maison Hanson, Jesse is in the front doorway and he looks perturbed. Frank hobbles over and asks his brother if the posse might have just been passing through. Jesse is not naive and he is starting to think of a Plan B. This could get ugly.

Miss Beadle is in the middle of discussing a lesson when Jonathan walks in. He asks to speak to the teacher and she excuses herself. We hear some whispers and Mary looks on with bland concern. Bobby is trying to stare her down. They are so going to make out. Miss Beadle returns and tells the class they will be dismissing early. After a brief cheer, Miss Beadle tells the kids to go straight home and that tomorrow will be the start of their Shakespeare unit. Yay! Oh, the kids don't seem to share my enthusiasm. The kids file out but Miss Beadle asks Mary to stick around for a moment. They have a chat about the recent Civil War unit and Miss Beadle believes that Mary got more out of it than any one in the class. Mary thanks her and leaves.

We see various outskirts of town and the posse keeping watch. The stagecoach driver and the leader, Mr. Broder, have a chat about the situation. The driver can't believe that the law-abiding, God-fearing folks of the town would hide criminals. Broder doesn't fully believe that they are law-abiding or even friendly. More flies with honey, Broder.

Laura and Carrie are running down a road that appears to be going back into town. Pa sees them and calls them over. He asks why they are back in town. Laura finally says something! Specifically, she left a book at school and returned to get it. Pa asks where Mary is and Laura reluctantly reveals that she went to thank Dankworth and Hobbes. Charles is not a fan of this development. Laura asks about her book, but Pa snaps at her to go home.

Mary is approaching the Palace. Jesse sees her through the front window then calls Frank over to watch this latest twist. Frank sees the look in Jesse's eye and tells him not to do what he is about to do. Jesse says "life's hard" and you gotta do what you gotta do. There's a knock on the door and Jesse invites Mary inside. Frank is not happy.

Fight, Team, Fight 3/5

That evening we see the Olesons and Ingalls departing the Ellerbee house. I guess there was a dinner party and none of us were invited. Harriet is laughing about a story involving Pete running over Nels back in their college football days. Okay, that does sound kind of funny. After the couples leave, both Pete and his wife seem pretty satisfied with their evening. Mrs. Ellerbee joshes her husband about a touchdown story he told earlier. Uh oh, he doesn't respond well to gentle teasing. She doesn't pick up on this and playfully remarks that some of the details of the story seem to have grown with age. "It's just the way it happened," Pete responds sternly as he turns to go back inside the house. Mrs. Ellerbee says she was only joking and asks where his sense of humor is. First, I don't think he ever had one. Second, that question rarely lightens up the situation whenever it is asked. Case in point: Pete now believes that his wife just called him a liar. Her defense is that the game was so long ago that the details would have to be a little fuzzy, but Pete coldly says that he remembers it like it was yesterday.

Mrs. Ellerbee decides to drop the fight as her husband retrieves his scrapbook and sits at his desk to look at it once again. "This obsession of yours with football is getting a little out of control," she says. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks. Um, not a lot of verbal clutter in what she said, though I may now understand why your nickname was "Big Rock", Pete. Mrs. Ellerbee tells her husband that he treats football more like war instead of a game. Perhaps his successful business was in fast food? His response is akin to "I know you are, but what am I?", so she tries a different approach. Specifically, what is going to happen to Dan? Pete doesn't think there is a problem with his son since he is improving on the field everyday. Mrs. Ellerbee claims that he is only improving so that he can win his father's approval, despite his hatred of the sport. I think this might be a situation where both sides are correct and wrong simultaneously. Mrs. Ellerbee moves on to the conclusion of her argument: that Pete moved the family to Walnut Grove so that Dan could become BMOC and get into Rutgers to play football on a legacy scholarship. Pete starts to issue a warning to his wife, but she interrupts and warns her husband that if Dan gets pushed into doing something he has no desire or talent to do that he will grow up to resent his father. You see if it were one or the other, desire or talent, I could understand that argument. But if the kid is lacking both why would Mr. Ellerbee keep forcing the issue? Pete doesn't have a response, so he decides to retire for the evening. The scene ends with Mrs. Ellerbee looking at the Football-in-a-cup as if it was The Other Woman.

More football practice. Another kid is quarterbacking, but Albert is the one running the play. Man, these kids aren't even trying any more. One literally keels over as Albert saunters by with the ball. After the play Coach Ellerbee says things are looking better and they should run it again. The whole team groans. Willie steps forward and asks if they can take a break. "I don't understand you people," Ellerbee says. There's another phrase that does nothing but invite controversy: "you people". Try it sometime. Anyway, Coach doesn't understand why the team's stamina isn't improving. Willie explains that other commitments, specifically schoolwork, are wearing them out. Ellerbee decides to have a chat with Mrs. Wilder and tells the team they can rest. They all collapse to the ground in a slapstick sort of way. Really, show?

As Mr. Ellerbee enters the school a bunch of girls are leaving the building. Wait a minute, the boys are getting let out of school for football? Uh, I wouldn't press your luck there, Big Rock. Laura is working at her desk when Pete enters. He apologizes for disturbing her and she responds that she has only just started grading papers. "Meaning the teacher has as much homework as the students?" he asks. I think he thinks that he is being cordial but it's coming off really condescending. Laura replies that she actually has more work (lesson plans, school board items, pompous coaches). Mr. Ellerbee commends Laura, again in a cordial/condescending sort of way. He brings up the subject of the football team's preparation for the weekend's big game. Laura says she's aware, but has a distinctly bored tone in her voice. Pete proposes that Laura cuts down on the boys' homework so that they can get a bit more rest before the game. Laura responds by suggesting that the boys cut down on their football practice so that they have enough energy to finish their homework assignments. Coach chuckles before saying, "for what they're facing on Saturday, they couldn't get enough practice." Laura says that's fine since their grades are reaching a point of no return. Pete can't believe Laura would fail his team, but she corrects him that the team would be the ones doing the failing. Laura isn't giving in and Ellerbee starts pouting that she isn't sympathetic to his problem.

After Coach storms out of the school he stomps towards the field and tells the boys to get on their feet. Albert is reading his history text and Ellerbee yanks the book out of his hands. "Not during football practice," he orders. Albert joins his teammates as Charles walks up to check with Pete on how the team is doing. We hear more lotto numbers as Albert does yet another rushing play. The opposition has finally gotten wise to this strategy and tackle Albert -- hard. One of the players calls over to the adults saying that Albert is injured.

Doc Baker examines Albert in his office and determines that there are no broken ribs. Albert interprets this as a clean bill of health, but the Doc says that he may have a fracture. Charles doesn't want to take any chances. Albert says he is fine and Ellerbee says the team needs Albert if they want any chance of winning on Saturday. Pa still refuses, causing Ellerbee to suggest that Doc Baker tapes up the boy. The Doc is okay with this solution and Ellerbee assures Charles that he'll pull Albert out if he starts to feel pain. "It's against my better judgment," Charles says before he okays the procedure. Oh Charles, when has your better judgment ever steered you wrong?

We see Pa and Albert return to the homestead. Charles asks if Albert is still able to do his chores and the kid says he is. Albert walks over to the barn to move a sack of feed. Albert tries but is in excruciating pain. Well, he should be, though the acting is a bit understated. I was in a car accident a few years ago where my sternum was bruised by the seat belt. I tried to go to work that evening and I got a harsh lesson in human anatomy. You have no idea how much all those interconnected bones, muscles, and tissues can hurt until you try to move an object similar to a lawn chair when you have a bruised sternum. That sack of grain should have caused Albert to vomit in pain.

Country Girls 5/5

Later that night, Charles rolls over in bed and notices that Caroline is not there. He wakes up and calls out for his wife. She peeks into the bedroom from the common room and apologizes for leaving the light on as she continued to work on her dress. He suggests that she should turn in, but Caroline wants to finish her project first. Charles goes back to sleep.

The next morning the family gathers for breakfast. Once Laura and Mary are downstairs and have greeted their Pa, Ma walks out of the kitchen holding two small dresses made of the blue fabric. The girls are pleasantly surprised. Ma tells the girls that her brown dress is just fine and that they should wear something nice if they are going to speak in front of a group of people. Mary says they wouldn't have minded wearing their calicoes, but Ma says she would have minded and tells her daughters to enjoy their new clothes. Laura hugs Ma before going upstairs with Mary to change. Charles tells Caroline "you're quite a woman." Aw. Then Carrie says "I'm a new freezer, daddy(?)". Sure, why not, I'm too lazy to figure out the closed captioning on my TV.

Wow, they really packed the people into the school for a bunch of elementary school speeches. Our first speaker is a six year old who likes horses. "I like riding horse more than I like...more than I like...I like riding horses." I don't think he wrote this. Either that or his handwriting is so bad that he can't decipher his own notes. I will give the adults credit for being very polite while listening to the monotone delivery that only a six year old can provide.

Next up, Nellie Oleson. Yeesh, lilac is not her color. Anyway, her speech is titled "My Home" and it reads like one of those televised real estate listings you see on Sunday mornings for condos that you would never want to live in and would not be able to afford if you did. Shortly after the speech begins, the boy sitting behind Laura raises his hand, but Miss Beadle gives him a stern look. As Nellie is prattling on about the various china collections, the class starts to giggle at the boy. Nellie pauses and narrows her eyes before continuing. The class continues to giggle as the boy continues to wave towards Miss Beadle. She eventually nods and the boy runs out of the room. Oh, he needed to use the outhouse. Harriet, who is dressed in her Mommie Dearest collection, is not amused. Nellie continues bragging about everything her family owns and we see just how bored the audience is. The only ones who aren't bored are Harriet, who is pleased with the oratory, and Nels, who looks rather uncomfortable. He continues to look at the floor shame-faced as Nellie finishes her speech and the room politely applauds.

Let's see if Laura can top that. Her essay is titled "My Mother". She begins by telling the crowd that Mary's essay is all about their Pa but that their Ma is a hard worker as well. Laura lists all the day-to-day activities that Caroline does and how important those tasks are. Laura then recalls an anecdote about a time when she took ill and Ma stayed by her side all night. Caroline appears to be getting a little verklempt. Laura also shares the story about the dresses and Ma is finally moved to tears. Aw. Also, it appears that Laura got over whatever anxiety she was experiencing the night before -- her delivery was almost professional. I call no waysies.

Once the speeches are over the town exits the school. Nels is behind Charles as and he tells Mr. Ingalls that "you are a lucky man." Charles thanks him before Harriet calls over to her husband. "Very lucky," Nels reiterates. Mary asks her parents what they thought of her essay and they both compliment her work. Ma notices Laura has wandered off and goes to join her daughter. She thanks Laura for her kind words, but then decides to bust her. That's gratitude. Laura tells her Ma that what she said on stage is what she would have written if she knew how. "But it wasn't really an essay, was it?" asks Caroline. Isn't that a little harsh? I mean the only speech that even came close to being an essay was Nellie's, her thesis being "my house shits on your house". I think we can lower the bar a smidge, Ma. Laura agrees with her mother who looks at what Laura really wrote. Laura asks her Ma what Miss Beadle will do when she turns in the assignment. Ma goes into the school with Laura to find out.

Miss Beadle turns from cleaning the blackboard and greets Mrs. Ingalls. She congratulates her and her daughters for the wonderful presentations. Laura sheepishly hands over her paper. Miss Beadle looks at it and so do we:

Ma is good
She works hard
she cooks
she sews

I think Miss Beadle somewhat expected this, since "I reckon" probably hasn't shown up on any of Laura's spelling lists so far. She mentions that Laura's spelling has improved but that her handwriting could use some work. Miss Beadle is optimistic that Laura will be all aces by the end of the term. Everyone is smiling. Yay teachers! Yay moms!

As the family walks home, Laura voices over that Ma took both Mary and Laura's essays and added them to the collection of items from the wooden trunk. Aw.

Country Girls 2/5

Mary and Laura arrive in town and stop when they see all the children playing in front of the school. Mary tells Laura to go first. Laura counters with a “nuh-uh, you go.” Mary asks why her, and Laura reminds her that she is the older sister. Mary decides that they should just go together. We get a couple of views of all the playing happening around the school and how it all screeches to a halt once the girls arrive. There would have been a record scratch sound if the record player had been invented yet. Laura breaks the ice by saying that judging by the sound the girls might have wandered into a flock of prairie chickens. Mary immediately chastises her sister and the crowd seems unimpressed. Some boy, who surprisingly is not Willie Oleson, walks up to the girls and declares “Snipes for sale. Long-legged snipes!” The kids start chanting “Snipes, snipes, long-legged snipes.” Mary and Laura look at their feet, not in embarrassment but in confusion. I guess they have never heard of a snipe. I hadn’t either until I saw Up last week – and that was after I had recorded this episode. Anyway, Miss Beadle steps out onto the porch and starts ringing a small bell. The chanting kind of fades away as the kids head to the school and get bored. This one girl runs over and grabs the snipe-master, telling him to leave the new girls alone or she’ll tell Ma. “Go ahead, Kristy, see if I care,” he responds. That was nice of her. Too bad we’ll never see her again. As everyone files into the building, a blonde girl with a dour expression walks over to the Ingalls kids and looks them over. “Country girls,” she surmises. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Also, that must be Nellie Oleson. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You know, as first days of school go, this is a particularly weird one.

The kids take their seats in the classroom. Laura and Mary are a bit slow to take off their hats and Miss Beadle doesn’t really notice them standing in the back until she restores order in the classroom. When she does see the girls, Miss Beadle invites them up to the front of room. All the kids turn to stare. I was lucky growing up – although I was the “new kid” several times, it was always at the beginning of the year rather than in the middle. That was bad enough and I could not imagine having to go through the situation Mary and Laura are going through now. As Mary and Laura walk down the aisle we see Nellie giving them a death glare. Geez, blondie, chill out.

When the girls reach the front, Miss Beadle introduces herself and begins the registration process. As Miss Beadle writes down the girls’ names, Laura notices Nellie’s death glare and snottily says “we have our own books.” Mary shushes her sister and hands the books to the teacher. Miss Beadle takes a look at them and acknowledges that they are very special. She sets the books down and asks about the girls’ prior schooling. Or lack thereof, as Mary explains it: She can read and Laura knows the alphabet and that’s about it. Miss Beadle assures Laura that she’ll learn how to read and will help her out as best she can. Laura seems to be quite fond of Miss Beadle already.

Miss Beadle stands and formally introduces the girls to the class. The class mumbles a “hello” and Miss Beadle is unimpressed. She instructs the class to say “Good morning, Mary” and they do. “And...” Miss Beadle goads, mouthing “Laura”. Everyone except Nellie says “Good morning, Laura.” The girls take a seat on the front bench. Miss Beadle asks if they have a slate and offers to loan them one when they say they do not have one. “Country girls,” Nellie says again. Both Laura and Miss Beadle turn when they hear this but neither one directly confronts the brat. While the rest of the class gets to work on sums, Miss Beadle provides Laura with a list of spelling words to practice at home.

After dinner, Pa is helping Laura with her “-at” words. Caroline and Mary are rolling yarn into balls. The fun times never stop at the Ingalls homestead. When Pa finishes the list, he commends Laura and says that she must really like school. Laura starts gushing about her experience thus far. Miss Beadle “is the best teacher in the whole world. And she smiles all the time. And she smells as good as she looks.” Okay, that’s getting a little creepy there, Half-pint. Oh, she’s referring to the perfume that her teacher wears which is called Lemon Verbena. “She’s the most beautiful lady I ever saw,” Laura states. Pa shoots a worried glance Caroline’s way and Laura catches herself, adding “except for Ma.” Pa says “she must be something special to be even close to your Ma.” Caroline smiles at the compliment. Pa asks Mary how her day went and she tells him about how that Kristy chick will probably be her new best friend. Nope. Pa asks if Laura has any instant BFF’s and Laura says there is someone she does not like: Nellie Oleson. Caroline starts to chastise Laura, but the girl goes on to tell the story of being called a “country girl”. Pa says there’s nothing wrong with that title, but Laura says there is given the way that Nellie uses the term: “Made me so mad I wanted to smack her good.” Pa tells his daughter that he doesn’t want to hear her talking like that and that school is for learning and not for fighting. Really? Are you sure?

Anyway, Caroline explains that part of going to school is learning how to get along with many different types of people, and Laura says she’ll try. Pa wants her to do more than try and Caroline reminds her of the golden rule. Once Laura agrees to this, Pa hands her a coin. He instructs the girls to take the money to the Mercantile to buy a slate and a paper tablet. Mary thanks him effusively. Pa sends the girls to bed. The parents talk about how surprised they were at just how much Laura loved school and how feisty she was about Nellie. Caroline wonders why Laura would get so riled up about her and Charles explains that he has a pretty good idea why since he met Mrs. Oleson. Laura calls down with one more spelling word, followed by Pa spelling “B-E-D”.

My Ellen 4/5

Mary is running from the school over to the mill. Pa asks why she isn’t at school and Mary says Miss Beadle let her go to try to find where Laura might be. She recaps her last encounter with Laura and that she was last seen cutting across the Busby place. Pa and Mr. Garvey share a worried glance. Aside from a couple of peeping Tom kids, what’s the big deal with the Busby place, anyway? Pa says Laura knows better than that and Mr. Garvey suggests that maybe Laura is still visiting with Mrs. Taylor. Pa sends Mary back to school and he and Jonathan go to the Taylor homestead to check things out.

Mama Taylor peeks through the window and sees Garvey’s wagon approaching. Surprisingly, this scene is filmed like an episode of Cops. Charles calls from the wagon asking if Laura has stopped by to visit. Heloise lies and says Laura hasn’t been there. Charles accepts this and decides to move on to the Busby place. Oh good, maybe now we’ll see what the problem is there.

We see Ellen’s slate and the flowers on the ground and a guy squatting nearby reading The House That Jack Built. The guy looks to be in his thirties, but given how riveted he is by the book he may not necessarily be functioning as a thirty-something. He sees the wagon approaching and decides to run and hide. Charles and Mr. Garvey hop off the wagon and run up to the nearby shack, barging in the front door calling out for Busby. Charles frantically says he is going to check out the creek while Jonathan calmly says he’ll keep watch near the shack. He speculates that Laura might already be back at school. That is until he spots the flowers and slate on the ground. Charles checks out the items and determines that they are Laura’s.

Back at the Taylor house, Heloise climbs down to the cellar and hands Laura a dress. “Put this on,” she requests. Laura asks to be let go but Heloise repeats her request. Laura takes the dress (or else she gets the hose again) and starts to change clothes. Mama Taylor starts walking around and talking about how much she loved the root cellar when she was a child. She lights a lantern as she recalls having wonderful dreams when she slept in the root cellar. She turns to look at Laura and asks her to come into the light. Out walks a blonde child and for a minute I thought she gave Laura a Hannah Montana wig along with the dress. No, it’s just another hallucination. Or is it a delusion? Either way: tres creepy. Back in reality, Laura is just sort of standing there uncertain of what to do next as Heloise walks over and starts petting Laura’s head. Mama Taylor then takes Laura’s pigtails and unravels the braids. “Oh Ellen, my beautiful Ellen.” Laura tries to correct Mrs. Taylor, but the crazy lady tells her “No, say ‘I love you, Mama.’” Laura just looks at her, so Mama Taylor repeats her instructions. Remember Furby? Laura sort of looks like one with her hair down and this scene is exactly like trying to teach your Furby how to talk, crazy eyes and all. After a beat, Laura stammers out “I love you, Mama,” and gets a big hug from Heloise. She makes Laura Ellen promise to never leave her. This would be the “Stockholm Syndrome” phase of the grief process.

Back in town, Charles and Mr. Garvey have organized a search party at the Mercantile. As the posse heads out, Cal Taylor walks up to Mr. Garvey and Nels and offers his assistance. Mr. Taylor brought a rifle with him and Mr. Garvey says that won’t be necessary. “Maybe, maybe not,” says Cal. “All I know is my daughter drowned. A good swimmer, but she drowned.” So the gun would have kept her from drowning? I’m not following his logic. The posse ends up combing the Busby land but they’re having no luck. Charles suggests getting lanterns since dusk is approaching, but Mr. Garvey is fairly sure that nighttime searching won’t bring about results. He tells Charles to go home and they can resume the search in the morning. Charles reluctantly agrees and ends up hitching a ride with Cal. Before they depart, Cal reminds Charles that he knows how he must feel but at least Mr. Ingalls has hope. He also says that Ellen’s twelfth birthday would be tomorrow. You know what sucks about grief duels? No one wins.

Night has fallen by the time Charles gets back to the homestead. Caroline opens the door for him and the two hug as Mary watches from the doorway. Cal watches this play out and he looks a bit sadder when he alerts the houses to get a move on.

My Ellen 3/5

At the mill, Charles and Mr. Garvey are making some repairs on the water wheel. Jonathan is sitting inside the wheel working on some internal repairs while Charles is fixing something on the top. Charles says he’s ready and heads over to the reservoir. At first Mr. Garvey was ready, but before he leaves the wheel he sees another repair he needs to make. He tells Charles to hold up a second, but Charles doesn’t hear him. Charles pulls the blocker out of the reservoir and water starts heading down the aqueduct. The wheel starts to turn with Jonathan inside. Luckily it is a simple wheel-and-axle setup, so Mr. Garvey only gets flipped upside down instead of ground into bits. He still cries out as if he’s getting ground to bits. I guess Jonathan isn’t a spinning ride kind of guy. Charles doesn’t notice anything wrong until he is practically standing next to the wheel, but once he notices the problem he runs up to the reservoir to block the water again. Charles runs back down to check on Garvey, who says he hasn’t been that dizzy since the Sleepy Eye Juggler contest. That...makes no sense. Anyway, Charles asks again if Garvey is alright and he replies that he is going to get a sarsaparilla and have a sit-down. Once he leaves, Charles cracks up. This better be important later – I hate writing “sarsaparilla” in vain.

Later on, Charles loads up a wagon with sacks of something and the customer drives off. Reverend Alden stops by and tells Charles that he stopped by the Taylor place this morning. Wait, are we time traveling now? Alden says that Heloise still doesn’t want to talk to him or her husband, so there's no continuity issue. Anyway, Charles is surprised that Cal is getting the silent treatment, and the Reverend informs him that she blames her husband for Ellen’s death also. Alden says that there is no rational reason for any of these accusations and that Heloise is a woman on the verge. His suggestion: Send Caroline over to chat with the bereaved. No good could possibly come of that. His reasoning is that sometimes a woman’s understanding is far more helpful than a preacher saying “be strong.” So...no women in the clergy because of the competition? Charles agrees that this might help and says he’ll ride home right away and ask Caroline.

It looks like Caroline agreed since we now see her walking over to the Taylor house. Cal is outside loading the wagon. She greets Mr. Taylor and explains the reason for her visit. He warns her that she’ll probably be wasting her time. I do love it when the tertiary characters are the smartest ones in the room. It turns out the reason he is loading the wagon is because Heloise asked him to leave. I’m guessing it was more like “demanded”, but it’s the same result either way. Caroline grimly nods and he goes on to say that he’s tired of the fighting and he too needs time to grieve. He mounts the wagon and tells Caroline that he’ll be at his cousin Clay’s if Heloise wants him for any reason.

After Cal rides away, Caroline knocks on the front door. “I told you to go and not come in,” Heloise says. I assume she is mistaking Caroline for Cal, but I’m not 100% positive. Caroline announces herself and says she was hoping they could talk. “Go home to your family,” Heloise says, “take care of your children; you’re not welcome here.” Caroline leaves dejected.

The girls are walking by the same fenced area as that fateful Friday. Carrie is slowing the girls down and Mary tells her to hurry up. Carrie says she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t have a present. “We’ll tell Miss Beadle it’s from both of us,” Mary says. Are they going to school or a birthday party? Laura calls “No Fair” on this since she has flowers and the other two have a “real gift”. Mary decides to say the gift is from all three girls, but then Carrie calls “NO FAIR” because they’re back to the 3:2 present ratio. Oy. Laura comes up with the compromise that they’ll give the gift to Miss Beadle and she’ll give the flowers to Mrs. Taylor. Mary reminds her sister that Mrs. Taylor still isn’t very social yet, but Laura says she’ll leave them at the doorstep then. Laura decides to take the shortcut through the Busby land, even though Pa said not to go that way.

Laura reaches the Taylor house without any trouble and knocks on the door. There’s no response, so she knocks again. Somehow her gentle rapping causes the door to swing all the way open. She walks in while calling out for Mrs. Taylor. Laura looks straight ahead the whole time and doesn’t notice Mrs. Taylor standing in the doorway to Ellen’s bedroom. Heloise asks Laura what she wants and Laura offers her the flowers. Mrs. Taylor slowly walks over, takes the flowers and holds them the way one would hold a newborn baby. Laura watches this, cautiously, as Heloise muses on how Ellen always brought her flowers. Heloise looks over at Laura and smiles. Laura has been replaced with a soft focus version of Ellen. Uh oh.

The smile quickly vanishes and Mrs. Taylor says she’ll put the flowers in water. Laura is unsure of what to do and notices Ellen’s school supplies sitting on the table. Heloise explains that she got the supplies ready out of habit and then begins to ask “why? Why did it happen?” Oh good, we’ve progressed to the bargaining phase. “She was such a good girl,” starts Heloise who turns around and sees Ellen once more. Ellen is wearing Laura’s outfit, which I hope was not a regular occurrence because Ellen doesn’t really mesh with Laura’s aesthetic. She gives the kid a once over, but when given a second over she reverts back to Laura.

Laura gets sufficiently weirded out by this display and says she needs to go to school. Heloise asks Laura for a favor before she goes. She says she’s gotten her appetite back and was wondering if Laura could fetch some apples from the root cellar. Laura agrees, not fully comprehending the crazy in Heloise’s eyes. As soon as Laura is in the cellar and heading to the corner for the apples, Mama Taylor pulls up the ladder and shuts the door on Laura. Heloise grabs the flowers and Ellen’s belongings and walks out the door. It looks like she pulled the table over the cellar door as well. The scene ends with a close-up of a photo of Ellen, which will probably end up here at some point.

My Ellen 1/5

Carrie is running through a field with her sisters and their friend Ellen as this episode opens. Carrie manages to stay upright, though not running downhill probably helps. The girls eventually reach the Taylor homestead and Ellen gives her Ma a hug. Mama Taylor surmises that since Ellen is so excited when she arrived, she must be super excited to do her chores. Ooo, and if she behaves herself, Santa might let her roll pennies. Ellen clarifies her good mood by telling her Ma that the “Ingall [sic] girls are going swimming” and she has been invited to join them. Ma sort of hems and haws and asks if Ellen did well in school today. Laura chimes in that Ellen did better than Mary. Way to oversell, Half-pint. Mama Taylor tells Ellen to be home before dark. The girls run off, leaving Carrie in the dust again. The youngest Ingalls girl asks “Don’t we ever walk anywhere?”

As they run down the road to the swimming hole, Laura suggests cutting through a fenced in area. Mary reminds her that Pa said not to do that and that she’ll tell if Laura does it anyway. “You would, too,” Laura responds. Her words, not mine, honest. Laura rejoins her sisters and friend and takes the long way to the water. The camera then zooms in on a boy watching the girls through some bushes. That usually means trouble.

We rejoin the girls at the swimming hole and they are already in the deep water, splashing and having a good time. We then see a couple of heads pop up from above the crest of the hill. Oh, it’s the boy from earlier and his little brother. They’re just peeping. I’m not condoning the activity; it just could have been a lot worse. The younger boy notices that one of the girls is getting out of the water. “Never mind,” he says, “it’s only Carrie.” This scene is so wrong. The boys decide to sneak down for a closer look. They find a better vantage point behind some brush about two-thirds of the way down the hill. After about fifteen seconds of watching, the boys hear Carrie ask “WHATCHA DOIN?” Busted! The younger kid lies and says they’re fishing. “WHAT ARE YOU FISHING WITH?” Carrie asks. The boys stammer that they are looking for pole-making supplies, but Carrie, who is wrapped in a towel, tries to help. “LAURA HAS AN EXTRA POLE HIDDEN AROUND HERE SHE’LL LOAN IT TO YOU LAUUUUUURRRRRRAAAAA THERE’S SOME BOYS HERE THAT WANNA SEE YOU.” The other girls look over and scream, realizing they’ve just been peeped on. They dive underwater until the hill near the coast is clear.

Soon after, Laura and Mary pop up near the marshier part of the watering hole. They check to see if the boys are still there and look around a bit before Laura sees them running away. It should be noted that the boys appear to be running in a desert. But besides that, how is Laura able to see them when she is downhill and several hundred yards away? Anyway, Laura decides that they should get dressed and leave. Mary agrees and yells for Ellen. The girls look around as Mary calls out for her, but there is no response. Mary Ingalls sucks at Marco Polo. Laura wonders if Ellen is trying to play a trick, but I’m not that optimistic.

Neither is the search-and-rescue party that has assembled that night. There are a couple of boats floating around, one with a guy casting a net onto the water. Laura and Mary are wrapped in blankets, watching the scene unfold with Caroline by their side. Ellen’s parents are also standing nearby and are holding onto a torch and hope. After a few moments someone calls out that they found something. It’s Ellen.

We rejoin Laura and Mary, dressed in their Sunday best, listening to Reverend Alden’s eulogy. To review the last six minutes: Opening credits, school’s out, swimming, peeping, drowning, and now a funeral. This episode must have a hot date because it’s not wasting any time. Once the Reverend concludes his remarks, Mama Taylor throws herself on the coffin. Mr. Taylor manages to pull his wife off the pine box and escorts her away. They pass Mary and Laura and Mama Taylor stops. She looks Laura right in the eye and says “You did this. It was you. Well it was! She was always asking my Ellen to go swimmin’. If it hadn’t been for you, Ellen would be home with me.” She starts to wail and is taken away as Laura bursts into tears. Charles and Doc Baker share a glance, recognizing that this is just the grief talking. Reverend Alden, on the other hand, walks over and doesn’t bother trying to console Laura and gives her a look that says “she sort of has a point.” First: No she doesn’t. Second: Way to do your job, Alden.

Bully Boys 5/5

Caroline pours some water from the kettle into a bowl to aid in cleaning Charles’ wounds. Doc Baker tells Charles to stay in bed until at least Sunday because he has at least three bruised ribs. Ouch. Mr. Edwards advises Charles to bring a two-by-four the next time he deals with roughnecks. There’s a knock at the door and Caroline goes to answer it. It’s Reverend Alden. He asks Doc if Charles will be alright and he replies, rather testily, that he’ll mend. I’m thinking someone got pulled out of his golf game to tend to the wounded. Anyway, Reverend Alden apologizes for what happened, but Charles isn’t interested. He accuses the Reverend of butting in and using soft words to try to appease the Galenders instead of addressing the problems the town is having with the newbies. Reverend Alden’s response: “Faced with violence, they reacted with violence.” Mr. Edwards calls bullshit on that, since Caroline was the one who was attacked first, albeit not as violently.

And then Reverend Alden has the chutzpah to ask if she perhaps misinterpreted the Galenders’ actions. This really irks Charles and warns the Reverend that today was just a sample of whatever shenanigans the Galenders have in store. The Reverend continues to defend the Galenders saying the Ingalls don’t understand the situation. Even assuming that their situation is real, Reverend, I fail to see how groping Caroline helps out the Galenders’ sick mother. Charles tells the Reverend to stop with the sermon that there is good in all people. Caroline is watching this like a tennis match, her eyes going back and forth between the Reverend and Charles. The Reverend pauses before telling Charles that he cannot approve of what happened today. Charles leaves the room and Reverend Alden leaves the house soon after. Mr. Edwards follows Charles and tells him “don’t you worry about a thing, Charles. I’ll get me a plow handle and by the time I’m done with them Galenders they’ll be too sore to wear their hats.” Uh, thanks? Charles tells his friend to stay out of it. As Mr. Edwards leaves, we see Laura and Mary sitting at the edge of the loft listening to everything that just transpired.

The next day, the Reverend rides out to the shack to speak with the Galenders. Bubba is outside splitting wood. He tells the preacher that his brothers aren’t home. “I see,” replies Reverend Alden. “Have they received any word about your mother?” he asks. This stops Bubba, who says that she hasn’t spoken to them in years. He asks how he knew about her, and the Reverend says they told him about her. This confounds Bubba since she left with some drummer shortly after Bubba was born. How 1960’s of her. Reverend Alden becomes Father Dowling for a moment as he figures out what is going on. Before he leaves, he asks Bubba to remind his brothers that he is looking forward to seeing them at church on Sunday.

School lets out Friday afternoon and the kids head down the steps. Mary, who was towards the front of the crowd, decides this is the best time to take a seat on the front steps. Mary Ingalls sucks at not screwing up traffic. Even Laura has to engage in some weird acrobatics to walk around her sister. Laura tells Mary to hurry up so they can soak their feet in the creek before they do their chores. Sounds like fun. Bubba comes out of the school a few moments later and grabs the writing tablet that Mary set down. Laura tells him to put it back. Bubba puts forth the legal argument of “Finders Keepers” while Nellie files the amicus brief of “Loser’s Weepers”. Mary quietly says “That’s my tablet, Bubba.” He says he doesn’t see her name on it and Nellie chimes in that she saw him find it. Mary seethes that her name is on the front cover and asks again for him to give it back. Bubba interprets this as Mary claiming he can’t read. Mary looks at him before replying through gritted teeth that she is not going to take any more bullying from him. Laura says “me too,” and takes a step closer to the action.

Mary stands up, picks up her pail, and walks up to Bubba. “There comes a time when people have to stand up for what’s right. We’re not backing down to you anymore.” Bubba tries to call her bluff and advises Mary to go talk to her papa to see what Galenders are capable of. Mary’s rebuttal: Swinging her pail across Bubba’s face. Mary Ingalls does not suck at hand-to-hand combat. Good for her. She throws down the pail and tries to get in a couple of hits while he’s on the ground, but Bubba pushes her away. Laura tries to dive in but he is able to push her away as well. Mary tries again, but Bubba is able to overpower her and push her away. Nuts, Mary Ingalls does suck at hand-to-hand combat. As this is happening, all the other girls are silently communicating their solidarity and bum rush Bubba shortly after Mary is pushed aside. Everyone except Nellie gets in on the action.

Later that evening, Pa is enjoying his after dinner pipe outside with Caroline sitting nearby. The girls come out to say good night and Mary apologizes for getting into a fight. Pa says that the fight seemed inevitable, so he’ll let it slide. Laura asks if Reverend Alden would think the girls were wrong, but Charles guesses not since they won. Boosh. Caroline chastises her husband verbally while the bruised ribs chastise him physically. Mary says she learned a lesson: That if you stand together you don’t have to be afraid. That seems to be the bully antidote on this show. Laura starts to reenact the play-by-play, but Caroline warns her that being prideful of a fight isn’t advisable. Laura cuts herself off as she and Mary are sent to bed. Before Laura shuts the front door, Caroline verifies that Mary “socked him a good one”. Atta girl, Caroline.

It’s now Sunday morning and the congregation is arriving at church. Charles notices the Galenders walking up and snidely comments that the “Christians are on their way to church.” Before Charles can get super bitchy, Mr. Edwards walks up and greets the family. There is some milling about inside the church until the Galenders arrive. A hush falls over the crowd and everyone decides to take their seats. The Galenders sit in the front row and Reverend Alden gives them an icy glare. He says he’s going to bypass the hymn and go right to the sermon.

Today’s subject: HELL. Specifically, the concept of Hell serving a purpose in reminding people why they strive to do good things. “I’ve told you there’s good in all people,” starts the Reverend. “But that doesn’t mean that all people lead good lives. There are those who lie, who steal, who abuse those around them.” Sam and George share a glance that says “I know where this is going, but don’t lose your cool yet, bro.” Reverend Alden rehashes the Turn the Other Cheek adage and reminds people that it works 99% of the time. But every so often that 1% happens when the “devil is in our midst” and no nobility will protect you from the devil’s bidding.

George decides that this would be the right place to interject and ask if the Reverend is slurring the Galender name. Reverend Alden steps down from the dais and says that he is doing more than that. He commends the children for teaching the town the lesson it needed to fight against the devil’s work. Sam asks the preacher what he plans to do. “I intend to see you out of this church and out of this community.” Sam scoffs at this and tells Reverend Alden that it looks like he is still standing alone. Reverend Alden then grabs Sam, swings him around and slams him against the wall and Dirty Harry’s an “am I?” George stands up, but Mr. Edwards grabs him and throws him towards a group of men. We see a close up of a roughed up Bubba who is unsure of how to proceed. Sam can tell the game is over and assures the Reverend that they’ll be gone by nightfall. “You’ll go now,” commands Reverend Alden. He deputizes Mr. Edwards to handle the eviction and directs Caroline to lead the ladies in a hymn.

And now: The Walnut Grove Congregation Choir will accompany this afternoon’s eviction with “Onward Christian Soldier”. A-one, a-two, a-you know what to do.

Bully Boys 3/5

It must be Sunday because the school house is filled with Reverend Alden’s congregation. This week’s sermon vague touches on the financial losses and abuse brought on by the Galender clan. The Reverend points out that many hymns talk about “Christian Courage” and that the Bible does not reward cowardice. Blah blah blah “turn the other cheek” blah blah blah Mary’s eye isn’t really looking any better. I think Reverend Alden is picking up the vibe that the congregation isn’t really buying what he’s selling, so he tells them that he will go speak to the Galenders.

At the Galender shack, Bubba slaps down a writing pad and says “You know you’s wrong about that man’s poke.” What? Oh, the math riddle from a couple of days ago. Bubba proudly says that Sam was wrong: it isn’t a dollar and a half but $1.35. Your Brain Age isn’t improving, kid. Sam is completely disinterested and says that someone will take that poke before Bubba finishes adding anyway, so the actual total is irrelevant. There’s a knock at the door and Bubba announces that “it’s a preacher!” the way that someone would say “it’s a zombie!” Sam invites the Reverend in and introduces the rest of the family. Sam tells George to set a place for the preacher because their mother always said “you gotta feed the preacher or you gonna pay the devil”. The Reverend chuckles at this and marvels that Mama Galender must have been a God-fearing woman and segues into asking why the boys have been total jackholes since they’ve arrived in Walnut Grove. Sam and George play dumb and ask the Reverend for clarification. The Reverend mentions the purchases made, running up bills they didn’t offer to pay and the intimidation tactics. The brothers continue to play dumb and innocent and mention that their bank draft is overdue. Although that takes care of the purchases and over-billing issue, Reverend Alden still takes exception at the lumber scam that the Galenders pulled.

Sam waits a beat and asks Bubba to leave the room. Bubba complains but complies. That buys Sam enough time to come up with what is probably a cock-and-bull story about their Ma getting sick right after the lumber purchase. Wow, you can get word about your ailing mother faster than you can get a bank draft from St. Paul? Reverend Alden is far less suspicious than I am and decides that sympathy is the best approach to the situation. He wonders why they didn’t explain the situation to Mr. Hanson and Sam says that he didn’t want Bubba to find out. Reverend Alden agrees to keep mum about their mum as the Galenders apologize for skipping out on Sunday services and promise to be in attendance next week.

Another recess at Walnut Grove K-12. Mary is sulking on the front steps and Miss Beadle walks over to check on her. Mary says she doesn’t feel like playing and runs off. Miss Beadle sighs and shrugs before heading back inside. The soundtrack at this point sounds like the interlude music from the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Meanwhile, Laura and Willie are playing marbles and, judging by Laura’s trash talk, the Oleson boy is losing. As Laura gets ready to shoot, Willie says she is hunching and they agreed to no hunching and knuckles down. I have no idea what they are talking about, but Laura is totally hunched over. Laura fires and hits a marble. Yay? Nellie and Bubba are walking arm-in-arm towards the game. Nellie accuses Laura of cheating and Bubba says he should get in on the game. Laura says no, so Bubba puts his foot on the marbles and says that the game must be over because she’s out of marbles. Mary is watching the argument ensue from the distance and runs over when Bubba pushes her sister to the ground. Mary tells Laura to stop because he’ll just knock her down again. Bubba points to his eye and says “Your sister knows: you’d better listen to her.” Nellie smugly smiles at this and it makes me wish horrible things will befall this terrible twosome. Bubba picks up all the marbles and puts them in his pocket. After he and his girl go to the swing, Laura remarks that Bubba is a bully. That took a little too long to figure out, wouldn’t you agree, Laura?

The older Galendars are napping in a wagon somewhere in town. George looks around and remarks that Walnut Grove is a nice little town. His favorite part: the God-fearing people. He asks Sam if he thinks they’ll let them stay for a while and they both start to laugh. Sam says a man could have everything he wants in this town. George looks off in the distance and says “Just about everything.” Uh oh, it looks like Caroline has caught his eye. She’s walking down the road with a basket of eggs. George remarks that he wants some farm-fresh eggs and I worry that he might be using a euphemism. He climbs out of the wagon and approaches Caroline. He asks if those are fresh eggs, she says they are and tries to continue on her way. George holds her by the arm and she tells him to let go. Sam has joined them and Caroline looks over to the mill to see if Charles is nearby. He isn’t, so she tries to say the eggs aren’t for sale. George calls her bluff and Caroline tries to struggle, knocking the eggs out of the basket in the process. The two brothers get all up in Caroline’s personal space and she screams for them to leave her alone. She manages to run away before things get even sketchier and the Galenders laugh at her.

Bully Boys 2/5

Recess! The girls are in a circle playing a game involving bouncing a ball towards one another. I think it might be dodgeball fueled by estrogen instead of testosterone so it's very low key. Bubba is over by the school building observing this game and seems annoyed by what he’s watching. He walks over and grabs the ball and tells the girls how to play the game for realsies. He promptly beans an 8-year-old in the face and she falls like a sack of potatoes. As physical comedy goes that’s gold. The music sting and Laura seem to disagree with this assessment. Laura checks on the girl then walks over to Bubba and tells him that you have to bounce the ball first. “What’s it to you, pee-wee?” he sneers. That’s “Half-pint”, buster. Laura tells him someone could get hurt playing his way and they get into an argument about the merits of whatever “sissy” game is being played. Laura tries to take the ball back, but Bubba knocks her to the ground. Mary runs over to her sister and tries to hold her back from fighting with the boy. Bubba laughs at this but once Mary calms down Laura she heads over to confront the boy. “You’re older and bigger,” she tells him, “that’s why we have rules so the little ones don’t get hurt.” Bubba’s rebuttal: punching Mary across the face. “Well that’s my rule,” he says to Mary as she lies on the ground. Not cool, dude. The bell starts to ring as Mary “Glass Jaw” Ingalls holds her hand to her eye. Bubba also warns Mary not to go “snitchin’” to Miss Beadle.

That evening at the homestead, Charles comes home from work as Caroline and Carrie are exiting the barn. Carrie goes to greet Pa in that robotic way she has and they have an in-depth conversation about milking. Charles apologizes for being late because he had to complete the Galender delivery. As Caroline finishes preparing dinner, Mary is icing her eye up in the loft. She asks Laura if the shiner looks any better, but Laura is too engrossed in her homework to answer. Mary asks Laura not to say anything to Pa. The girls go downstairs for supper. Pa is washing up and asks the girls about their new schoolmate since the older Galenders mentioned their little brother started school. Laura politely mentions that Bubba is not little. Pa agrees since the older boys are quite large and Bubba is about Mary’s age. Pa walks towards his seat and finally notices Mary’s eye. He asks what happen and Mary tries to stay vague by saying she got hit in dodgeball. Pa thinks that is a weird way to get a black eye, but Mary totally plays the “sucks at life” card in order to bypass the real explanation. Caroline is thankful that Mary didn’t have her glasses on at the time of the injury. I agree – Mary could have been blinded by the accident and then how would her life have turned out? Laura asks Pa if he ever had a black eye and he says that he did and that it taught him a lesson: “The only thing worse than one black eye is two black eyes.” They say grace and presumably chow down.

The next day at school Laura and Mary are playing on the teeter-totter. Laura tells her sister that her eye looks much better. As they chat about eye issues, Bubba hops on the fulcrum of the seesaw and stops their activity. Laura says “hey!” but Mary tells her to move along, so they head over to the swing. Nellie walks over to Bubba and compliments him on his trick. She offers Bubba a sour ball for use of the teeter-totter and they begin to form a symbiotic relationship. That’s what it’s called when two parasites feed off each other, right? Willie tries to tag along in this transaction, but Bubba pushes him out of the way. As Nellie seesaws sidesaddle (say that three times fast), Mary and Laura comment unfavorably on what they just observed. Mary points out that, if anything, they’ll both wind up with rotten teeth. Always the optimist.

Meanwhile, over at the Mercantile, Mr. Hanson runs into Mr. Henderson. He asks how things are going and tells his customer that his lumber order should be ready by Tuesday. Henderson sets down his supply bag and tells Hanson that he was headed over to the mill to cancel his order. It turns out he got a better price. Mr. Hanson can’t believe that someone was able to beat his price, but a couple of guys came by the Henderson place that morning and offered a price of $15. You can see the gears turning in Mr. Hanson’s head and he seems to have figured out what happened. There don’t appear to be hard feelings, but Hanson asks Henderson who the sellers were. Galender, you say? There’s a surprise.

Oleson Versus Oleson 5/5

Laura hides behind a tree as Charles storms out of the church/school house. That’s not a good sign and Laura knows this. She goes inside to speak with Caroline who is angrily pacing up and down the aisle. Uh oh, it turns out Laura may have fibbed a little when setting up this meeting. Caroline is disappointed that Laura tricked her and even though Laura meant well, negotiations have deteriorated further. Caroline storms out the back door of the building while Laura tries to come up with a Plan B.

Dinner time at the homestead and the Raccoon is not in the mood. Pa tries to sell his stew as “almost as good as Ma makes”, but Grace isn’t buying it. Albert uses this impasse as an opportunity to ask if women need to be taken care of. Charles doesn’t really want to have this conversation, but he humors the boy. He explains that men and women help each other, but Albert pushes forward the theory that Charles won’t sign so he can take care of his woman. Charles denies this and puts an end to the conversation. Pa tries once more to feed the Raccoon, but she just starts to whimper.

Later on, Charles rides into town and runs into Almanzo and Nels. All the men have gathered outside of the restaurant because they have given up on cooking. The three decide to eat together until Reverend Alden asks if he can join in. Charles walks in and the place is packed. It looks like the entire population of Walnut Grove is eating out tonight and Percival informs Charles that there won’t be any food left by the time a table becomes available. This is all accentuated by some child screaming. As the men leave, Nels notices Harriet literally strutting over with a piece of chocolate cake. She waves it in front of his face before sitting down and partaking in the sweetness. Nels gets a murderous glint in his eyes, but he leaves before the scene gets interesting.

Outside the men try to come up with a backup plan when Reverend Alden suggests raiding the church pantry. All the men and screaming children from the restaurant gather in the church. There doesn’t seem to be any food, so I guess the plan is to turn the church into a de facto Moose Lodge and go from there. Or maybe they’re just waiting for a dozen pizzas to be delivered. As Almanzo and company continue to grouse about their current predicament, Charles says that he thinks Caroline’s crusade is finally sinking in. Although Walnut Grove may not necessarily need the effects of a petition, there might be parts of Minnesota that do. He claims that he has been so busy calling his wife foolish that he didn’t listen to what she was saying. Nels asks if Charles is going to sign and he replies yes.

The men head out of the church and over to the restaurant. The March of the Matriarchs plays as Charles enters the dining room. All the ladies look up as Charles confronts his wife. He grabs the pen behind Caroline’s ear and signs the petition that is hanging on the wall. Harriet is blown away by this. Charles turns around and hugs Caroline as the rest of the men sign. Once the signing is done, all the couples leave the boarding house hand in hand. It looks a little like Noah’s Ark Cruise Lines has reached a port and all the tourists are scrambling. Laura voices over that Caroline won her fight and the petition is moving along in the legislative process. “She said someday,” Laura’s voiceover continues, “that women will even have the right to vote. Maybe, but I doubt it.” Way to pay attention to current events, Laura.

Little Women 5/5

All the parents are gathered in the schoolhouse as Willie and the Ants prepare for their skit outside. And by prepare I mean the Ants are ready to kill Willie for not bringing the tobacco products like he promised. Willie claims it isn’t his fault his dad caught him, but the Ants think that he was bluffing the whole time. An in-depth “did not”/“did so” debate ensues. The episode must have come in a little short this week. Meanwhile, Ginny peeks inside to see if her Ma is in the audience. It looks like Ginny doesn’t see her, so she sulks as she rejoins the Ingalls girls who are watching Willie’s fight. Laura tells Ginny her mom will show up as Mary fiddles with Ginny’s bonnet. As the girls talk about their readiness, Nellie arrives wearing her New Jan Brady wig. She even has a red bow in her hair. Before everyone can make fun of the wig, Miss Beadle comes outside to see if everyone is ready. She tells Willie he is up first and tells everyone to do their best.

Inside, Miss Beadle welcomes the parents and introduces the first play: Tom Sawyer. The audience applauds as Miss Beadle waits for Willie to come on stage. When he doesn’t show up, she runs outside to see what the hold up is. She reaches the doorway and gasps. In walks Willie completely covered in whitewash. Everyone in the audience, except Harriet, finds this hysterically funny. Nels isn’t too impressed either, especially when Willie blames him for this embarrassment. He takes his son outside to clean up and the audience is still cracking up. As the Oleson men walk out, Mr. Mayfield and Ma Clark walk in and take a seat.

Once the laughter dies down, Miss Beadle introduces the next play: Little Women. The cast is introduced, starting with Nellie as Suzanne Pleshette as Meg. Mr. Edwards takes one look at her and starts cracking up again. He stops when he realizes he is the only one laughing. Once the cast is assembled on stage, Nellie starts things off by giving Harriet a shout out and then introducing the scene. Okay, having wooden actors play wooden actors is a sight to behold and Nellie and Mary do a fantastic job of this. Also, as Harriet watches she mouths the dialogue. I don’t think the double woodenness is intentional on Little House’s part, especially if you compare it to something like this which is intentional, but I’m enjoying it.

Anyway, the writing is pretty bad, as all of the extended dialogue is literally sent back to Meg (“let Meg tell you”) and there are a number of declarative statements. As for the plot, Jo (played by Ginny) somehow got a wad of cash and Meg asks how she earned the money. Meg removes Jo’s bonnet and we see that Jo must have sold her hair. Only Ginny actually cut her hair. Eh, I’m not really a method actor and I’m a little surprised Ginny went that route – she doesn’t seem like the type. Actually, it turns out she sold her hair to the wig man so she could buy the dress for Ma Clark. Aww. Ma Clark is overwhelmed with emotion and runs over to hug Ginny. Nellie gets pissy about being upstaged, but Miss Beadle tells Nellie to be quiet (hehe) and says the play is over, leading to a round of applause.

After the performances, Ginny runs over to hug Mr. Mayfield and asks if he liked the show. He says he liked it and he likes her hair. Ma Clark agrees. Aww. Caroline asks her daughters if they’re interested in going on stage ever again. Laura says maybe, so long as she doesn’t have to work with Nellie again. Sorry, half-pint, there will always be at least one Nellie Oleson in any stage production. Mary also says maybe, but she likes the drama of real life more. Mary Ingalls sucks at suspension of disbelief. Mary and her parents watch as Mr. Mayfield and the Clarks ride off. And scene.