Country Girls 4/5

Ring Around the Rosie again? It’s just five girls playing this time as Laura watches from outside the circle. After a round, one girl invites Laura into the circle but she asks why they always have to play the same game. Nellie answers “because I say so” before starting round seventy eight. As the girls skip in their circle, Laura starts shouting something above the monotones of RAtR. Is she reciting bawdy limericks? Something about a sick guy named Uncle John? Did Laura make a veiled drug reference? Nellie stops her game and tells Laura to stop before pushing her to the ground. Laura’s response: “Apple, a dumpling. What shall we send it in?” That was unexpected. Nellie pushes Laura back to the ground. Laura stands up to Nellie, both figuratively and literally, saying that she wants to play a different game: Uncle John. Ohhhh. It’s like RAtR but with a dash of Diplomacy. Nellie pushes Laura to the ground a third time. I’m guessing she’s played Diplomacy before. Laura cries out “Uncle John” before she lunges and knocks Nellie over. “You wanna fight; I’ll fight. You wanna play; we’re playing Uncle John!”

Slam cut to the homestead with both Caroline and Charles giving Laura stern looks. Laura admits that she “did on to Nellie, but not what you had in mind.” She apologizes for disobeying her parents, but she had reached her breaking point. Pa commends Laura for reporting the incident herself instead of letting someone else tell them about it. He asks Laura what should be done about the situation and she suggests whatever he thinks is best. She also reminds Pa that Nellie did start the commotion. Caroline looks at Charles and he takes a moment before rationalizing that Laura was justified in her actions. He asks his daughter to promise not to do it again and when she agrees he sends her off to bed. Caroline is not exactly thrilled with this resolution and Charles reads that on her face. He turns back to Laura and reiterates that she made a promise. Laura assures him that there won’t be any more problems since Nellie is scared of her now. Ma is even less pleased with this new information. “Charles,” she says, “you’re much too easy on her. She isn’t the least bit sorry for what she did.” Charles reminds her that Nellie did start the fight, which she counters with the “turn the other cheek” argument. Charles is all like “whatever” and starts to play the fiddle. Caroline rolls her eyes but starts to laugh.

The next day we see Caroline taking a basket of eggs to the Mercantile. Nels greets her as he carries some bolts of fabric through the showroom. Harriet pops up from behind the counter like some Jack-in-the-box-of-the-damned and asks if Caroline is there to apologize for yesterday’s schoolyard fight. Caroline is only there to sell her eggs and Mrs. Oleson says “I should have expected as much.” She then proceeds to give Caroline a lecture about how to raise her kids, particularly ones that start fights. Caroline waits for Harriet to finish before mentioning that it was actually Nellie who started the fight. Before she can finish Mrs. Oleson interrupts her with a reminder that brown eggs are still four cents less per dozen. She removes the cloth on top of Caroline’s basket and is shocked to find that Mrs. Ingalls only brought white eggs to sell. Turns out Charles sold the brown eggs at the mill for a much better price. “That’s gratitude,” a wounded Harriet says. Whatever, lady. “No, that’s good business,” corrects Caroline. Mrs. Oleson is not amused and suggests that maybe they will buy her white eggs. Caroline agrees and starts to leave the store. Realizing she is about to lose business, Harriet stops Caroline saying she is “too busy to quibble over pennies.” Harriet decides to buy the brown eggs at the same price as the white eggs. Nels is watching this unfold and seems to enjoy seeing his wife get put in her place.

As Harriet takes the basket back to the counter, Caroline takes a closer look at a bolt of robin-egg blue fabric. Harriet wanders back over and gives her another fabric that looks like muslin or burlap that she feels is more appropriate for Caroline’s needs. The part about Harriet that I never understood, and it is consistent throughout the series, is how she always tries to talk people out of buying nicer, presumably more expensive items. If I had to make a determination, it would be that her miserliness is trumped only by her vanity that only she and her family may have nice things. It’s a bizarre way to run a business in my opinion. Caroline semi-politely refuses Harriet’s offer, but is reminded that “country folk have to think more on the practical.” Caroline tells Nels that she will take some of the blue fabric. Or maybe not, since Harriet grabs the bolt from her husband’s hands and tells Caroline it would be a mistake. Amazingly Mrs. Ingalls is able to maintain her cool as she reminds Mrs. Oleson that “it is customary to let the buyer do the choosing.” Harriet’s jaw drops as she looks to her husband for backup. He doesn’t provide it as he also seems mortified that someone actually stood up to his wife’s bullying. Harriet excuses herself and Caroline places her order. Nels does reiterate that it will cost a bit but the color will look “right smart on you, Mrs. Ingalls.”

Back at the homestead Caroline shows her purchase to her family. Laura reaches out to touch the fabric and Mary smacks her hand away. Caroline is experiencing a bit of buyer’s remorse, citing that the encounter with Harriet is probably what drove her to make such an impulsive purchase. Hmm, maybe it is part of Harriet’s strategy: play on an individual’s insecurities and defenses to get the upsell. Still: bizarre. Mary and Laura say they are glad their Ma bought the fabric. Charles pipes in that he is glad, too. Caroline is a little surprised by his revelation, but she still wants to try to take the fabric back for a refund. Charles asks her “why do you think the good Lord went to all that trouble of making you so pretty if he didn’t want you to have a new blue dress?” Aw. The daughters also provide endorsements of Ma’s good looks getting accentuated by a new dress. Caroline is a little overwhelmed with all the praise and enters into Group Hug Mode.

The next day we see Laura and Mary bounding home from school. They are really excited about something. Ma is in the henhouse, Pa is in the barn --- ooh, I almost have a folk song. Anyway, the girls are excited because the school is going to have a visitors day, which is pretty much a school open house. Mary is particularly excited about the essay assignment that goes along with the event. She would be. Laura suggests that Ma wear her new yet-to-be-made dress for the occasion. Pa tells the girls to get started on their essays and they run towards the house.

That evening Mary and Laura are hard at work on their assignment. Laura voices over that Ma and the girls were working very hard on their respective projects and that everyone was just about finished before the deadline. Was that voiceover really necessary? Mary says she is finished with her essay about Pa building the house on the prairie, encounters with wolves and Indians, and moving from that house to Plum Creek when, I presume, the wolves and Indians were becoming too much of a nuisance. Pa says that sounds interesting, then asks Laura what she wrote about. Laura stammers a bit before saying “it’s a surprise.” That’s code for “academic incomplete” if I’m not mistaken. Pa is not up on the secret language of academia, saying that the surprise will be reveled early tomorrow and that the girls should go to bed. He gives them kisses as he carries an unconscious Carrie to her bedroom. Mary goes up to the loft while Laura continues to stare at her paper. Ma checks on her daughter and asks what the problem is. “It’s not an essay,” she responds, “not like Mary’s.” Caroline says that it shouldn’t be like Mary’s since she is older and knows more words. Laura says she knows a lot of words also; she just can’t get them on paper. Caroline tells her that’s okay, but Laura is not consoled by that. She asks her Ma if she can keep a secret. When Ma agrees, Laura confides that she is scared about getting up in front of everyone to share her essay in the morning. She is worried that people are going to laugh at her. Caroline assures her daughter that people will not laugh. There’s only one way to find out.

Barn Burner 2/5

Jonathan is at the Ingalls’ house sharing with Charles what happened with Larabee. Charles tries to assure Jonathan that things will turn out for the best, but Alice is there and disagrees. With the co-op broken, it’s every farmer for himself.

Meanwhile, Larabee is still steamed about what happened and is pacing furiously across the parlor. He mutters, partly to himself and partly to his wife, that he can’t believe someone would barge in and shame him in front of his family. Maybe if you didn’t do something shameful it wouldn’t be an issue, eh Larabee? He pours himself a drink that he quickly chugs down. Mrs. Larabee notices this and reluctantly attempts diplomacy. “You can’t hardly blame him for being upset,” she says. Larabee accuses her of taking Garvey’s side, which she quickly denies. Larabee decides to settle the score and grabs his shotgun. Oh geez, this is bad news. Mrs. Larabee tries to block the door but he just pushes her out of the way.

Andy Garvey is working on his homework when Larabee barges in. “I’m here to see your pa, boy,” Larabee tells a frightened Andy. The kid says he isn’t home but Larabee calls him a liar and starts to search the place. Andy tries to stop the man, but Larabee knocks him to the ground. We can hear what sounds like a tree branch snapping. Did Larabee just kill Andy? Not cool. Larabee looks down at the kid, says “boy” and gets no response. He rolls Andy over and there is blood streaming down the side of his face. Oh poopies. Larabee high tails it out of there. A few moments later, Andy regains consciousness and stands himself up. He grabs the lantern from the table and goes outside. He can feel the blood on his face as he heads over to the corral to get a horse. He places the lantern on the fencepost as he opens the gate.

Andy gets the bridle on the horse and rides over to the Ingalls place. He runs into his folks on the way there and tells them what happened. Jonathan lifts Andy on the wagon and mounts Andy’s horse. He tells Alice to go home as he goes to take care of Larabee. Alice tells him not to go since Larabee has a shotgun and a thirst for blood. Jonathan says he doesn’t care, but Alice says she does. Jonathan thinks about it for a moment and decides to ride back with his family.

Upon their return, the Garveys see their barn in flames. Everyone is shocked and Andy supposes that Mr. Larabee must have come back. Jonathan tells Alice to take care of Andy and she knows he’s departing again. “Don’t worry,” he tells her, “I’m just going to town.” If you’re being figurative, Jonathan, I think that’s what your wife is worried about.

“NOOOOO!” we hear Harriet scream at her husband. “THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU,” she screeches as Nels walks down the stairs. I guess Jonathan has rounded up a posse of the other co-opers. Nels grabs his shotgun as Harriet tries to keep her husband from joining the angry mob. He tells Harriet to go to bed as the posse moves out.

We rejoin the posse as they surround Larabee’s. Charles bangs on the front door as Larabee loads his shotgun in the parlor. Mrs. Larabee comes out of her room to find out what’s going on but her husband says he has a handle on this. He yells out for the posse to clear off his property. Charles tells Larabee that resistance is futile, but the man disagrees. Larabee’s sons come out to see the hubbub and they still have the same stupid looks on their faces. Garvey yells something into the house and Larabee responds “It’s your own fault that your boy got hurt.” Yeah, I guess Jonathan was the one who decided to place the bureau at the location where Andy’s head got cracked.

Larabee yells out a few more threats before Nels, sticking his shotgun through the back window, tells Larabee to put his gun down. He tells Larabee to unlock the door, allowing Garvey to barge in and grab Larabee around the collar. The rest of the posse breaks up the developing melee and tells Jonathan a judge should take care of this matter. Until then, Larabee will be locked in the icehouse. Nels apologizes to the other Larabees as the posse escorts Mr. Larabee out the door.

Bully Boys 5/5

Caroline pours some water from the kettle into a bowl to aid in cleaning Charles’ wounds. Doc Baker tells Charles to stay in bed until at least Sunday because he has at least three bruised ribs. Ouch. Mr. Edwards advises Charles to bring a two-by-four the next time he deals with roughnecks. There’s a knock at the door and Caroline goes to answer it. It’s Reverend Alden. He asks Doc if Charles will be alright and he replies, rather testily, that he’ll mend. I’m thinking someone got pulled out of his golf game to tend to the wounded. Anyway, Reverend Alden apologizes for what happened, but Charles isn’t interested. He accuses the Reverend of butting in and using soft words to try to appease the Galenders instead of addressing the problems the town is having with the newbies. Reverend Alden’s response: “Faced with violence, they reacted with violence.” Mr. Edwards calls bullshit on that, since Caroline was the one who was attacked first, albeit not as violently.

And then Reverend Alden has the chutzpah to ask if she perhaps misinterpreted the Galenders’ actions. This really irks Charles and warns the Reverend that today was just a sample of whatever shenanigans the Galenders have in store. The Reverend continues to defend the Galenders saying the Ingalls don’t understand the situation. Even assuming that their situation is real, Reverend, I fail to see how groping Caroline helps out the Galenders’ sick mother. Charles tells the Reverend to stop with the sermon that there is good in all people. Caroline is watching this like a tennis match, her eyes going back and forth between the Reverend and Charles. The Reverend pauses before telling Charles that he cannot approve of what happened today. Charles leaves the room and Reverend Alden leaves the house soon after. Mr. Edwards follows Charles and tells him “don’t you worry about a thing, Charles. I’ll get me a plow handle and by the time I’m done with them Galenders they’ll be too sore to wear their hats.” Uh, thanks? Charles tells his friend to stay out of it. As Mr. Edwards leaves, we see Laura and Mary sitting at the edge of the loft listening to everything that just transpired.

The next day, the Reverend rides out to the shack to speak with the Galenders. Bubba is outside splitting wood. He tells the preacher that his brothers aren’t home. “I see,” replies Reverend Alden. “Have they received any word about your mother?” he asks. This stops Bubba, who says that she hasn’t spoken to them in years. He asks how he knew about her, and the Reverend says they told him about her. This confounds Bubba since she left with some drummer shortly after Bubba was born. How 1960’s of her. Reverend Alden becomes Father Dowling for a moment as he figures out what is going on. Before he leaves, he asks Bubba to remind his brothers that he is looking forward to seeing them at church on Sunday.

School lets out Friday afternoon and the kids head down the steps. Mary, who was towards the front of the crowd, decides this is the best time to take a seat on the front steps. Mary Ingalls sucks at not screwing up traffic. Even Laura has to engage in some weird acrobatics to walk around her sister. Laura tells Mary to hurry up so they can soak their feet in the creek before they do their chores. Sounds like fun. Bubba comes out of the school a few moments later and grabs the writing tablet that Mary set down. Laura tells him to put it back. Bubba puts forth the legal argument of “Finders Keepers” while Nellie files the amicus brief of “Loser’s Weepers”. Mary quietly says “That’s my tablet, Bubba.” He says he doesn’t see her name on it and Nellie chimes in that she saw him find it. Mary seethes that her name is on the front cover and asks again for him to give it back. Bubba interprets this as Mary claiming he can’t read. Mary looks at him before replying through gritted teeth that she is not going to take any more bullying from him. Laura says “me too,” and takes a step closer to the action.

Mary stands up, picks up her pail, and walks up to Bubba. “There comes a time when people have to stand up for what’s right. We’re not backing down to you anymore.” Bubba tries to call her bluff and advises Mary to go talk to her papa to see what Galenders are capable of. Mary’s rebuttal: Swinging her pail across Bubba’s face. Mary Ingalls does not suck at hand-to-hand combat. Good for her. She throws down the pail and tries to get in a couple of hits while he’s on the ground, but Bubba pushes her away. Laura tries to dive in but he is able to push her away as well. Mary tries again, but Bubba is able to overpower her and push her away. Nuts, Mary Ingalls does suck at hand-to-hand combat. As this is happening, all the other girls are silently communicating their solidarity and bum rush Bubba shortly after Mary is pushed aside. Everyone except Nellie gets in on the action.

Later that evening, Pa is enjoying his after dinner pipe outside with Caroline sitting nearby. The girls come out to say good night and Mary apologizes for getting into a fight. Pa says that the fight seemed inevitable, so he’ll let it slide. Laura asks if Reverend Alden would think the girls were wrong, but Charles guesses not since they won. Boosh. Caroline chastises her husband verbally while the bruised ribs chastise him physically. Mary says she learned a lesson: That if you stand together you don’t have to be afraid. That seems to be the bully antidote on this show. Laura starts to reenact the play-by-play, but Caroline warns her that being prideful of a fight isn’t advisable. Laura cuts herself off as she and Mary are sent to bed. Before Laura shuts the front door, Caroline verifies that Mary “socked him a good one”. Atta girl, Caroline.

It’s now Sunday morning and the congregation is arriving at church. Charles notices the Galenders walking up and snidely comments that the “Christians are on their way to church.” Before Charles can get super bitchy, Mr. Edwards walks up and greets the family. There is some milling about inside the church until the Galenders arrive. A hush falls over the crowd and everyone decides to take their seats. The Galenders sit in the front row and Reverend Alden gives them an icy glare. He says he’s going to bypass the hymn and go right to the sermon.

Today’s subject: HELL. Specifically, the concept of Hell serving a purpose in reminding people why they strive to do good things. “I’ve told you there’s good in all people,” starts the Reverend. “But that doesn’t mean that all people lead good lives. There are those who lie, who steal, who abuse those around them.” Sam and George share a glance that says “I know where this is going, but don’t lose your cool yet, bro.” Reverend Alden rehashes the Turn the Other Cheek adage and reminds people that it works 99% of the time. But every so often that 1% happens when the “devil is in our midst” and no nobility will protect you from the devil’s bidding.

George decides that this would be the right place to interject and ask if the Reverend is slurring the Galender name. Reverend Alden steps down from the dais and says that he is doing more than that. He commends the children for teaching the town the lesson it needed to fight against the devil’s work. Sam asks the preacher what he plans to do. “I intend to see you out of this church and out of this community.” Sam scoffs at this and tells Reverend Alden that it looks like he is still standing alone. Reverend Alden then grabs Sam, swings him around and slams him against the wall and Dirty Harry’s an “am I?” George stands up, but Mr. Edwards grabs him and throws him towards a group of men. We see a close up of a roughed up Bubba who is unsure of how to proceed. Sam can tell the game is over and assures the Reverend that they’ll be gone by nightfall. “You’ll go now,” commands Reverend Alden. He deputizes Mr. Edwards to handle the eviction and directs Caroline to lead the ladies in a hymn.

And now: The Walnut Grove Congregation Choir will accompany this afternoon’s eviction with “Onward Christian Soldier”. A-one, a-two, a-you know what to do.

Bully Boys 4/5

Caroline runs into the house as Charles chases after her in the wagon. I guess they crossed paths at some point as she ran home. Charles runs in after his wife and asks “what’s the matter?” She tries to shake it off but he still wants to know what’s wrong. Charles notices that Caroline’s skirt is a mess and she tries to regain her composure. He can tell that she has been crying and asks her what happened. Caroline’s eyes well up again when she tells him she broke the eggs. Charles knows that she would not get worked up over something like that and prods her some more. “It was my fault, Charles,” she says. “If I just sold them the eggs like they wanted...” Charles stops her and asks if “them” refers to the Galenders. Caroline then goes on to tell her husband that she couldn’t just walk past them because they grabbed her. You can almost hear the “snap” in Charles’ brain when she tells the story. The old timey music with the “boing boing” takes a minor key as Charles storms out of the house.

The team of horses races over to the Galender shack. Sam and George are splitting wood outside. George is complaining about the task and says that Bubba should be doing the work. As Sam tells his brother to quit griping, he notices a wagon quickly approaching his house. Hmm, Pissed Charles Ingalls versus Two Brothers (One with an Axe). This is going to be awesome. Charles gets out of the wagon and George greets him with the most obnoxious buddy-buddy routine possible. Charles tells them he isn’t there for a social call and follows Sam inside the shack. George stands in the doorway behind Charles. Mr. Ingalls asks who put their hands on Caroline. Sam takes a swig from a canteen before adopting the play dumb route of “was that Mrs. Ingalls?” He continues by saying “you’re a lucky man; she’s a handsome woman. Soft, too.” George takes off his hat and adds, “real soft, you said.”

Charles waits a beat before he grabs a chair that was sitting on top of a table for some reason and swings it behind him, hitting George right over the head. George falls over and Charles closes and locks the door behind him. Sam runs over and grabs Charles, but Mr. Ingalls just starts punching. We see George recovering from his hit as we hear the ruckus from inside the shack. Sam calls for help and the view keeps switching from outside, where George is trying to figure out a way in, and inside where Charles is totally kicking ass. Charles manages to pin Sam to the ground and starts making music on Galender’s face. After the sixth or seventh punch, George kicks in the back door and Charles looks up.

Meanwhile, Mr. Edwards is bumbling around the countryside. He sees the Ingalls’ wagon and team running down the road but there doesn’t appear to be a driver. Mr. Edwards runs over and gets the team to stop. Once stopped, Mr. Edwards hops into the wagon to see what’s going on and notices a heavily beaten Charles. I guess Sam got a second wind.

Bully Boys 2/5

Recess! The girls are in a circle playing a game involving bouncing a ball towards one another. I think it might be dodgeball fueled by estrogen instead of testosterone so it's very low key. Bubba is over by the school building observing this game and seems annoyed by what he’s watching. He walks over and grabs the ball and tells the girls how to play the game for realsies. He promptly beans an 8-year-old in the face and she falls like a sack of potatoes. As physical comedy goes that’s gold. The music sting and Laura seem to disagree with this assessment. Laura checks on the girl then walks over to Bubba and tells him that you have to bounce the ball first. “What’s it to you, pee-wee?” he sneers. That’s “Half-pint”, buster. Laura tells him someone could get hurt playing his way and they get into an argument about the merits of whatever “sissy” game is being played. Laura tries to take the ball back, but Bubba knocks her to the ground. Mary runs over to her sister and tries to hold her back from fighting with the boy. Bubba laughs at this but once Mary calms down Laura she heads over to confront the boy. “You’re older and bigger,” she tells him, “that’s why we have rules so the little ones don’t get hurt.” Bubba’s rebuttal: punching Mary across the face. “Well that’s my rule,” he says to Mary as she lies on the ground. Not cool, dude. The bell starts to ring as Mary “Glass Jaw” Ingalls holds her hand to her eye. Bubba also warns Mary not to go “snitchin’” to Miss Beadle.

That evening at the homestead, Charles comes home from work as Caroline and Carrie are exiting the barn. Carrie goes to greet Pa in that robotic way she has and they have an in-depth conversation about milking. Charles apologizes for being late because he had to complete the Galender delivery. As Caroline finishes preparing dinner, Mary is icing her eye up in the loft. She asks Laura if the shiner looks any better, but Laura is too engrossed in her homework to answer. Mary asks Laura not to say anything to Pa. The girls go downstairs for supper. Pa is washing up and asks the girls about their new schoolmate since the older Galenders mentioned their little brother started school. Laura politely mentions that Bubba is not little. Pa agrees since the older boys are quite large and Bubba is about Mary’s age. Pa walks towards his seat and finally notices Mary’s eye. He asks what happen and Mary tries to stay vague by saying she got hit in dodgeball. Pa thinks that is a weird way to get a black eye, but Mary totally plays the “sucks at life” card in order to bypass the real explanation. Caroline is thankful that Mary didn’t have her glasses on at the time of the injury. I agree – Mary could have been blinded by the accident and then how would her life have turned out? Laura asks Pa if he ever had a black eye and he says that he did and that it taught him a lesson: “The only thing worse than one black eye is two black eyes.” They say grace and presumably chow down.

The next day at school Laura and Mary are playing on the teeter-totter. Laura tells her sister that her eye looks much better. As they chat about eye issues, Bubba hops on the fulcrum of the seesaw and stops their activity. Laura says “hey!” but Mary tells her to move along, so they head over to the swing. Nellie walks over to Bubba and compliments him on his trick. She offers Bubba a sour ball for use of the teeter-totter and they begin to form a symbiotic relationship. That’s what it’s called when two parasites feed off each other, right? Willie tries to tag along in this transaction, but Bubba pushes him out of the way. As Nellie seesaws sidesaddle (say that three times fast), Mary and Laura comment unfavorably on what they just observed. Mary points out that, if anything, they’ll both wind up with rotten teeth. Always the optimist.

Meanwhile, over at the Mercantile, Mr. Hanson runs into Mr. Henderson. He asks how things are going and tells his customer that his lumber order should be ready by Tuesday. Henderson sets down his supply bag and tells Hanson that he was headed over to the mill to cancel his order. It turns out he got a better price. Mr. Hanson can’t believe that someone was able to beat his price, but a couple of guys came by the Henderson place that morning and offered a price of $15. You can see the gears turning in Mr. Hanson’s head and he seems to have figured out what happened. There don’t appear to be hard feelings, but Hanson asks Henderson who the sellers were. Galender, you say? There’s a surprise.

Oleson Versus Oleson 4/5

Laura is walking up to the boarding house with a suitcase in her hand. Caroline hugs her as she walks into the restaurant. She takes Laura’s bag but before she leaves the room Laura asks if they are doing the right thing. Caroline says that they are, but Laura is dubious about how successful this petition drive is going to be. She becomes more concerned when Caroline tells her that Percival is the only signer so far. Caroline shares her daughter’s concern but reminds her that if you believe in something you have to be courageous enough to stick with it. Laura isn’t fully comforted by this pep talk and she doesn’t look forward to the possibility that Pa might never sign the petition. Caroline reminds Laura that Charles can be stubborn sometimes but he is a fair man and will come around eventually. As the two of them walk toward the stairs, a couple of ladies come down the stairs and are excited to see the new member in the ranks.

Over at the Mercantile, a group of customers have surrounded Nels and are shouting their orders at him. Really? Harriet was the only person capable of enforcing the concept of a line? Nels is getting overwhelmed and inventory is starting to run low. One customer is asking for diaper materials even though he bought some yesterday. “It beats washing ‘em,” he explains. If you think that’s wasteful, you might be surprised. As Nels squeezes his way past some customers to get to the baby supplies, we see that Harriet has disguised herself as a ranch hand to spy on Nels. But is it for the cause or for her? Before we get the answer to that question, Mrs. Foster comes in and gives the fellas a “well, well, well” speech. “Don’t you know how to cook,” she sneers to her husband Orville. “That’s one thing you and I have in common, woman,” he replies. Eh, they’re both tied at zero right now on my scoreboard. Mrs. Foster doesn’t like being called “woman”, so she grabs a handful of flour and throws it at her husband. A flour fight breaks out and Nels runs over to the counter to try to stop it. Harry-et is not impressed with what she is observing, but she does get a kick out of Nels getting pummeled in the flour fight.

The restaurant is packed again at dinner time and Harriet (out of drag) is working the floor. Mrs. Foster calls Mrs. Oleson to her table so that she can tell the other ladies sitting there about how “Nels took the store away.” I’d like to hear this story too, since that’s not what happened. When Harriet gets to the table, we cut to an exterior shot of the restaurant and only hear muffled voices. What was the point of that scene?

Back at the Wilder house, Almanzo is in his pajamas and has poured himself a glass of milk. He doesn’t seem too happy with the current situation. We hop on over to the homestead where Charles, also in his pajamas, has poured himself a glass of milk. We then hear a bowling ball fall from a table and The Raccoon screaming and crying for her mommy. At the Oleson place, Nels completes the pajama/milk trifecta. Except the milk pitcher is empty. Willie!

The next day, Laura runs back to her house where Almanzo is attempting to follow a recipe. The two hug when Laura gets to the kitchen and she tells her husband that they need to work together to get Pa to sign the petition. Almanzo reminds her that they agreed to stay out of this and let Caroline and Charles figure it out, but Laura is still fairly certain that some intervention will be required. Laura has to go and says they can chat about a plan later. Before Almanzo can chase after her, a pot boils over on the stove.

Laura’s next stop is the homestead where Pa is in the barn milking the cow. Pa’s joke about Laura conferring with the enemy falls flat and he blames it on the town not having much of a sense of humor these days. Laura ignores the self pity and asks how Pa is doing. He mentions the Raccoon being in “freakout” mode 24/7 which Laura attributes to the kid missing her Ma. Laura asks if Pa misses Ma, and he says that he does. Laura says Ma misses Pa also and he seems surprised by this. Laura says that Caroline wants to talk with him, but he wants to have the conversation on neutral ground. Laura suggests the church and Pa agrees. Laura looks awfully pleased with herself.

Little Women 1/5

Spring has sprung in Walnut Grove as we open on a shot of flowers growing in the waterway near the mill. Laura and Mary are walking to school and they are being watched by Willie Oleson. He is sitting in a tree wearing what appears to be a Napoleon hat with some feathers in it. He jumps in front of the girls, wielding a wooden sword and demanding that they “stand and deliver”. Oh, I get it: Willie is playing Adam and the Ants. The girls are not up on their new wave dance hits and have no idea what Willie is talking about. A couple of Ants in the tree clarify that he is playing Robin Hood (oh...boring). Willie explains the conventions of Sherwood Forest and tributes and whatnot, but the girls are not interested. Mary tries to walk through, but Willie pokes her in the belly with his sword. Ant #1 vouches for the tribute system by showing off the piece of licorice Willie acquired. “Those are my merry men and no one can beat Robin Hood and his merry men,” Willie run-ons.

Laura grabs a stick and claims dibs on the Little John role, correcting Willie that Little John beat Robin Hood. Fight scene music kicks in as the two start to duel. Sort of. It’s probably some child labor law thing, but the two don’t actually appear in frame together as they thrust and parry. Eventually Willie knocks the stick out of Laura’s hand using the flyswatter method of attack. She counters by going all Flavor of Love on his face. Mary tries to break up the fight as the Ants cheer it on. The other kids playing in front of the school hear the commotion and run over to watch. Miss Beadle hears the ruckus as well and races over to the scene. Mrs. Oleson notices what’s going on and freaks out that Willie is involved, though I’m wondering if she is freaking out in general or because she somehow managed to pick him out in the middle of the melee. By the time Harriet gets to the fray Miss Beadle has the kids separated, but Mrs. Oleson gives Laura a couple shakes just because. Harriet coddles her son as the whole crowd agrees that Willie was the instigator. Miss Beadle tries to defuse the situation by saying everyone looks alright, but then Harriet gasps when she sees that her ugly hat got trampled in the fracas. Willie explains that it wouldn’t be Robin Hood without the feathers, but his mom doesn’t care as she drags him home. The rest of the kids go to school.

The kids are still chattering about the fight as they take their seats. Miss Beadle starts to walk down the aisle sternly until she hears the clomping of Willie’s feet as he runs in to take his seat. After Miss Beadle passes Laura and Willie’s row, Laura sticks her tongue out at him. The teacher turns around and lectures the kids about the bad behavior she just witnessed. Willie takes this as an opportunity to blame Laura and the two start bickering again. “You’re not Robin Hood,” Laura yells. “You’re poor, so there,” Willie counters. “You’re dumb, so there,” Laura retorts. Just as this fight is getting really good, Miss Beadle sends the kids to the corner. They both go to the same corner but Willie refuses to share, claiming that it’s his corner. True.

Moving on, Miss Beadle has decided that she would like the class to embark on a more constructive engagement with the class reading assignments. Mary suggests doing a school play. Miss Beadle thinks about it for a second and agrees that a play would be a great idea. Nellie likes the idea too, as does the freaky girl sitting behind her. Yikes. You know, if a tertiary character doesn’t blend into the background it becomes subject to the gun rule: If you see a gun in Act I, it will go off by the end of the play. Miss Beadle tells the class to split up into groups and each group can select its own material. Nellie asks if her mom can watch since Mrs. Oleson is apparently the George S. Kaufman of Hiro Township. It’s a fair comparison: they have the same hairdo. Miss Beadle rolls her eyes at first, but then decides to turn this project into an event. Hey, what’s a play without an audience?

After school, Mary, Laura, Freaky Girl, and Extra (I don’t know the girl’s name) are mulling their literary options. Laura suggests Snow White Rose-Red but Extra says they don’t have a prince. Freaky Girl, whom Mary calls “Ginny”, offers the unhelpful suggestion of “it doesn’t matter to me.” Gah, don’t make this group project suck, kid. She must have heard me, because Ginny redeems herself by suggesting Little Women.

Nellie, who is not so nonchalantly eavesdropping on the conversation, runs over to insinuate herself into the group. She says she knows what scene they can do and assigns the parts. Nellie will play Meg since “she’s the smartest.” Laura rolls her eyes and Extra tells them “Peace out”. Mary tries to 86 the whole idea, but Nellie has already figured everything out right down to the rehearsals at the Oleson house. Ginny is enthralled with the idea of visiting the Oleson living room, but Nellie reminds her that Ginny must wipe her feet and touch nothing. This is such a weird conversation. Mary tries to resist but eventually gives in, much to Laura’s disappointment. Nellie is excited and tells the girls that her mother will write up the script tonight. I think everyone but Ginny knows how that is going to turn out. The school bell starts to ring and the girls walk back to class. Laura tells her sister that if they knew Nellie would be in their group, they should have done Hansel and Gretel. “Then she could be the witch who gets cooked in the oven.” As is almost always the case, I think there is going to be more drama off stage than on stage.

Sylvia 10/10

Albert is putting the finishing touches of his goodbye note right before he places it on the mantle. Meanwhile, Charles and Mr. Webb are outside the mercantile as Mrs. Oleson sweeps the porch. No one Charles has checked with has seen Albert except for Harriet who saw the kid about fifteen minutes earlier. She tells them that he was riding out of town towards the Ingalls’ place, so they decide to head out that way as well. As they race down the trail, they miss Albert who is hiding behind a tree. Albert runs into town back to the livery, but he finds the door locked. Charles is at the homestead and finds the note Albert left. After reading the note, the two men try to figure out where Sylvia could be. Since Albert didn’t know her whereabouts the night before, he must have found her that day. Mr. Webb recalls that they split up twice. Charles realizes she must be at the Atkins’ place, since that was Albert’s location after the second split.

Sylvia is sleeping in her hidey hole at the Atkins farm. The door creaks open and somebody much taller and lankier than Albert creeps in. Whoever it is takes slow, deliberate steps across fallen kindling and tree bark towards the sleeping girl. After the twentieth crack of wood and twigs, Sylvia rises and expects to see Albert. IT’S THE MIME!!!!! He tries to grab Sylvia, but she ducks, grabs a two by four and hits the guy in the arm, knocking him off balance. Run Sylvia! Oh, she tripped on the wood scraps. Damn petticoats. The mime takes off his askew mask and...it’s Mr. Hartwig! He runs over to the door to block Sylvia’s exit. She runs over to a ladder and starts climbing. He puts one hand on the ladder and I swear I think he’s about to knock the ladder over. Instead, he starts to climb. As he steps on the first rung, Albert jumps on Hartwig’s back and they start to wrestle. Sylvia is now at the top of the ladder but has nowhere to go from there. As she tries to reach for a rafter, the rung supporting Sylvia snaps and she falls about 30 feet to the ground. Hartwig glances over towards Sylvia then grabs a two by four to brain Albert with. Before he can swing, a gun goes off and Hartwig falls to the ground. Good shot Mr. Webb.

Albert sees Sylvia is unconscious by the ladder and he crawls over to her, his drooping lip wavering. He starts whimpering as Mr. Webb and Charles look on. “I’ll get Doc Baker,” Pa says and runs out of the barn. The camera then focuses on the fallen mime mask.

That evening at the Webb house, Doc Baker exits Sylvia’s room and reports that the patient would like to see Albert. Albert walks slowly to the bed and sits by Sylvia’s side. Sylvia reports that she fell and asks Albert if she is going to die. Albert says she isn’t and that she and her pa won’t be leaving after all. I guess raping the daughter of the homeowner causes an escrow issue at closing. Not to be all Scooby-Doo about this, but given the plot elements of this story, did Hartwig rape Sylvia as a means to acquire the Webb property?

Sylvia can’t believe everything that happened and she asks if they can still get married. “When you’re up to it,” Albert replies. “I wish we can have a church wedding,” Sylvia says. Albert asks why not, causing Sylvia to hem and haw and say “ya know...” Please do not try to play charades here, kids. They start reciting their wedding dreams and I slowly lose interest. She finishes with a “kiss me, my love” and then they make out. Her eyes close and it is a little unclear if she just died or if she simply fell asleep. Seeing as how we don’t hear about her ever again, I’m guessing it is the former. We then get a replay of the slo-mo smooch from their first date and the episode ends.

Sylvia 8/10

A thunderstorm is brewing as the Ingalls sit down for dinner. Charles is looking forward to the rain as there has been a bit of a drought recently. Albert is falling asleep at the table, either because of the dullness of the conversation or because of all the work he has been doing the last couple of days. “Pa, how old was grandpa when he got married?” Albert asks. Pa thinks about it for a second before Ma interjects that he was fourteen. Pa agrees with that answer, though he doesn’t seem to be picking up what Albert is laying down. Caroline seems to have read between the lines and looks none too pleased with where this conversation is headed. “Charles, can we talk about it later?” she asks, but he wants to talk about it now, oblivious to what the actual subject is. Albert drops the bomb about getting married and Charles does not take it well. Caroline asks to delay the conversation again, but Pa is riled up at this point. “You’re not going to become a doctor working at a livery stable, ya know.” Albert whines that he doesn’t have to be a doctor. This does not end the argument.

After he sends Carrie to her room, Pa asks Albert if he really thinks Mr. Webb would allow Sylvia to marry Albert. “Yes, I do,” asserts Albert. I suppose if you operate under the theory that Mr. Webb has been acting rather irrationally of late then, yes, he probably would consent to this marriage proposal. I don’t think that’s the smartest course of action for anyone at this point. “Just what makes you think that?” demands Pa. “Because,” starts Albert, pausing as he completes the thought, “I’m going to tell him I’m the baby’s father.” Ma and Pa let the words sink in a bit before Pa asks if what Albert says is true. “No, but I might as well be,” replies Albert. Since he loves Sylvia, and the baby is part of Sylvia, he would be able to love the baby as if it were his own. “It’s not the same,” says Pa. “Then you lied to me,” Albert responds. “I’m not your son either, but you told me you love me just the same.” I guess you can be a lawyer if you work at the livery stable. This stops Charles dead in his tracks, so he goes into the kitchen and asks his wife to talk some sense into the boy. “A boy your age has no idea,” she begins, but Albert cuts her off. “Ma, please don’t tell me I’m too young to know how I feel,” he whines. Caroline gets that look in her eye that she had when she dealt with Mrs. Oleson earlier. She warns Albert not to raise his voice like that again. Dude, do not mess with Caroline Ingalls. That’s all I’m saying.

Ma’s sweetness face returns as she tries to explain the caveats of love. She focuses on how love is big at the beginning, when it is easiest to ignore or push away all the glitches and imperfections and problems that real life has to offer. “Facing those problems can be painful,” she points out. Basically, love is denial. Albert is in denial about this assertion. Caroline realizes she still isn’t getting through to Albert, so she tries a different approach. “How does Sylvia feel about the baby? Have you asked her?” Albert hasn’t. “The child,” continues Caroline, “was not conceived in love. It was a brutal thing. It won’t be easy for the girl to forget.” The two of them hug.

As Pa walks back from the kitchen to watch this scene unfold, Mr. Webb barges through the front door with his shotgun in his hands. He demands to know where his daughter is. “How dare you come in my house with a gun?” demands Charles. Webb says he’ll leave once he gets the truth out of Albert. Charles doesn’t take kindly to this and lunges for Webb, knocking him to the ground outside. Albert grabs the gun as he watches his father punch Webb across the face to calm him down. “Albert,” Pa yells, “tell him the truth! Tell him the truth, NOW!” Albert takes a moment then says he is NOT the father. “Swear it,” Webb calls out, “swear it to God.” Apparently that holds a lot more weight back in 1870 then it does now. I remember in first grade the class trouble maker always saying “honest to God” whenever he got busted. And he got busted a lot. Webb believes Albert and collapses into Pa. Pa tells Albert to hitch up the team so they can take Mr. Webb home.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 5/5

Another school day on the prairie as Ms. Wilder enters to address the students. Some whimsical harmonica music is playing and it turns out to be Bart. Hehe, nice touch. Anyway, the announcement is that after the class projects are graded Ms. Wilder will be out the door. “I will miss all of you very much,” she says. “Or should I say, I will miss some of you.” She dismisses the class with these parting words: “I apologize, not only for myself but for the school board who allowed themselves to be bullied by a wealthy fool.” Bart doesn’t like the sound of that and stops playing. “You watch what you say about my Pa,” he threatens. “How did you know I was talking about your father?” Ms. Wilder asks. “Was it the word ‘wealthy’ or the word ‘fool’?” Ooo, snap, crackle and pop, Eliza! This gets a hearty and well-deserved laugh from the class. Wah-wah music plays as Bart follows the class out of the school.

As the Ingalls kids walk home with Clarence, Laura is keeping a lookout for Bart. Now might be a good time to point out that Carrie only seems to pop in and out when it is convenient. I don’t know why she isn’t with them now. Anyway, as soon as Laura spots Bart, she hands some tablets to Albert. Bart storms forward saying “You thought Ms. Wilder was real funny, didn’t you?” Laura says she did, but he was addressing Shorty, er, Albert, who is now foaming at the mouth. Albert pretends to spaz out and Laura goes to comfort him. She warns Bart that making Albert mad isn’t a good idea and sassing Ms. Wilder is bad for business. “He loves her. He loves her more than anything in the whole world. He’d even die for her.” Way to oversell it, half-pint. “Or kill,” Clarence adds. Bart actually starts to fall for this, but also suggests that maybe Albert has The Rabies (not the indefinite variety, either). Laura takes Albert away as Clarence and Bart look on. The big “kid” forces the little kid to tell him what’s going on. Clarence sells the story about Albert being a werewolf. Bart doesn’t fully buy it at first, “There aren’t any werewolves in Minnesota.” Yeah, those beasts are only in Wisconsin and the Chicago suburbs. Clarence seals the deal by giving Bart the copy of Ms. Wilder’s book. He also tells the bully that he can see the transformed version of Albert that night at the Ingalls’ barn.

That night Laura is babysitting and keeping watch for Bart. She summons Carrie to feed Grace and keep watch while she and Albert take care of business. Laura also tells Carrie to stay in the house. We then get treated to a scene of Carrie trying to feed the Raccoon: “Grace eat c’mon Grace eat Graaaace eat c’mon Grace eat c’mon or I’ll tell.” To recreate the effect at home, set up two blocks of wood so that one is shoving a bottle into the face of the other all while a rubber balloon is slowly deflating.

In the barn, Laura is putting the finishing touches on Albert’s disguise. A short while later, Clarence and Bart arrive. Laura exits the barn and asks what those two are doing. She doesn’t seem all that surprised that they are there, which is one of many tells that this probably isn’t going to work. She feigns outrage towards Clarence for spreading the Ingalls’ secret which is followed by Albert howling. This gets Bart’s attention. Laura checks to make sure that Bart wants to see this, and he agrees. She unlocks the barn door and beckons for Bart. Albert is chained to the wall and lunges for Bart. The “kid” flinches. Albert then breaks his chains and chases Bart out of the barn. Clarence trips Bart as he bolts out the door, giving Albert an opportunity to catch up. He grabs the papier-mache rock and lifts it above his head. Bart pleads with Albert and Laura. She tells him that Albert will stop only if Bart will do what the were-kid wants. Bart agrees. Laura’s demands include behaving in school, apologizing to Ms. Wilder and being nice. It’s not the most compelling list of demands but you can’t be too greedy.

At this point, Carrie comes out of the house asking for Laura to come inside. The elder Ingalls tries to shoo the younger girl away, but Carrie whines that the Raccoon isn’t eating. “And Albert,” she continues, “what are you doing with that paper rock you made?” Maybe this is why you aren’t invited anywhere, blabbermouth. Bart figures out what is going on and proceeds to wail on Albert. Yeah, you’d better run inside, Carrie.

The next morning, Laura and Carrie are still arguing over the bungling of the hoax. Albert breaks up the fight by saying it was nobody’s fault. Yikes. He’s starting to look a bit like Two-Face. “I guess there’s just not much a person can do alone,” Albert says, talking about what to do with Bart now. A light bulb goes off for Laura and she tells her siblings they need to get to school before the bully does. She and Carrie run off, but Albert is carrying his rock and needs to readjust before taking off.

When the kids arrive at the school, Laura runs up the steps and starts to ring the bell. After the students gather, she calls Albert up to the stoop so everyone can see what Bartholomew did to his face. “We’re losing a good teacher because of the same Bartholomew,” she says. “There isn’t anything anyone can do,” complains Willie, “he’s too big.” Laura nods and says, “There isn’t anything any one can do, but there’s plenty all of us can do.” Nothing like a Norma Rae moment to start the day. It would probably be taken more seriously if someone didn’t make a creepy clown face as their papier-mache project.

Showdown music starts to play as the Slater wagon approaches the schoolhouse. Mr. Slater heads into the Mercantile where we see the Wilders picking up some supplies. Ooh, it is a tense transaction with Mrs. Oleson. Meanwhile, Bart is walking over to the school. All the children are standing as a wall as the “kid” approaches. He struts over, papier-mache crocodile in hand, and comments on Albert’s eye. Laura tells Bart that she expects him to keep the promises he made the night before. “Who’s gonna make me?” he asks. The kids circle around Bart then collectively lunge at him. Oh good, they’re instilling angry mob justice at the grade school level. No hooligan left behind! Even the five year old girls are getting that gnashing in.

Ms. Wilder and Almanzo run out of the Mercantile when they hear the commotion. Mr. Slater is quick to follow. When he sees what’s going on he tries to rush over, but Manly stops him. “You’re the one who told me grown ups should let kids handle things on their own,” Almanzo tells Slater. As the camera zooms in on the mob, I can’t help but think of that scene in Galaxy Quest where the child-like aliens attack and gore their limping comrade.

Later that day, Ms. Wilder is hanging some clothes in the cloakroom. Bart is pretty roughed up as he walks up to Ms. Wilder. He apologizes and promises to behave himself. Ms. Wilder is speechless until the kids, who are all really roughed up, tell her to accept. I have a feeling there will be another school board meeting in the near future. Then they group hug, with Bart sitting off by himself.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 2/5

As Albert and Laura are walking home from school, Bart forces himself into helping Laura carry her books. She puts up a pretty good fight, but Albert steps in by telling “Bartholomew” to stop. “Don’t call me Bartholomew, shorty,” he responds. Albert, who is one-third the size of the new “kid” counters with “Don’t call me shorty, Bar-thol-o-meeeew,” then shoves the bully away. Sidebar: a few years later there’s an episode where Albert is revealed to be a morphine addict. I wonder if he got hooked on the stuff as a result from all the cruisin’ for bruisin’ that he evidently enjoys engaging in.

Anyway, Bart punches Albert squarely across the face and knocks him to the ground. Laura sees an opportunity to jump on Bart’s back to pull him away, but since he is more man than child (at least 90/10) he is still able to go after Albert. Almanzo, who is at work, can see the commotion and runs over to help. He struggles to pull Laura off of Bart and also Bart off of Albert. Bart tells him to butt out, causing Almanzo to ask if he really wants to fight with a girl. The bully says he was fighting Albert and Almanzo points out that the kid is half Bart’s size. It might be fair to point out that Bart is about the same size, if not a tad bigger, than Almanzo. “You’re not!” Bart says as he reels up a punch. Almanzo blocks him and gives the “kid” a solid gut shot. Almanzo sends the crowd home then gets his flirt on with Laura and her pigtail. Ick. He also takes a look at Albert’s eye and predicts a beauty of a shiner. As the Ingalls kids walk away, Bart yells at Albert “I’m gonna get you, shorty.” Albert almost engages again, but Laura pulls him back.

On the trail to the homestead, Laura is going on about Almanzo’s surplus awesomeness. Albert whines about how he didn’t need to be rescued, but Laura decides to razz Albert about it instead. They try to figure out what to tell Ma and Pa about Albert’s eye which turns into a lengthy discussion about lies of omission versus boldface lies. It’s not interesting filler. Somehow it works around to Albert needing to use his brains to beat Bart rather than his non-brawn. Laura warns him not to get his brains knocked out by Bart.

The next day Almanzo is dropping off his sister at the school when Mr. Slater intercepts them. He’s pissed. “WILDER! You hit my boy, yesterday.” Almanzo claims self-defense, but Mr. Slater says that Bart said that Almanzo started the fight for no reason. His name ain’t Tracy, Mr. Slater. Anyway, Almanzo calls bullshit and tries to explain what really happened. Mr. Slater cuts Manly off, saying that children fight amongst themselves so they should handle it. Almanzo says that doesn’t work when one of the kids involved is bigger than most grown men. At least this clears up whether Bart’s size was intentional or a grievous mistake from central casting. Mr. Slater says that he will take care of disciplining his child, and Almanzo tells him to get started. Ooooh, buuuurrrrrn. Slater says Bart behaves at home and that it’s the teacher’s job to make sure he behaves at school. “If you can’t Ms. Wilder, maybe the school board can find someone who can.” Oh dear.

During class, Ms. Wilder is writing something on the board when Bart starts a wadded paper fight with a couple other kids. She restores order then asks Albert to come up to the front and solve the math problem on the board. As he walks up Bart grabs the back of Albert’s suspenders and flings him backwards. Ms. Wilder asks Bart to stop. As Albert does the math, Bart places something on Albert’s seat. Apparently Mary isn’t the only blind one in the family as Laura doesn’t notice. Clarence tries to say something, but Ms. Wilder tells him to be quiet.

Albert completes the division problem without showing his work, which impresses Ms. Wilder. He goes to sit down and lands on a tack. Clarence pipes in that it was Bart who did it. Bart turns around, grabs the kid, lifts him up, and I think is about to unhinge his jaw to devour the poor boy before Ms. Wilder tells him to stand in the corner. “My pa ain’t gonna like this,” he says. She corrects his grammar and repeats her demand. As he moves towards the corner, he throws Ms. Wilder’s chair to the ground. I guess he’s preparing his monologue for his intro theater class at the community college. This startles Ms. Wilder and she commands Bart to pick up her chair. “Pick it up yourself,” he sneers. She tries for an ultimatum, but Bart calls her bluff before she gets to the “or else”. Ms. Wilder tries to regain her composure as she begins her lesson on decimals. She’s overwhelmed, decimated even, and decides to dismiss class. The kids file out. As Bart leaves, Ms. Wilder starts crying. She’s not really doing much for the harsh schoolmistress stereotype.