The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 2/5

As Albert and Laura are walking home from school, Bart forces himself into helping Laura carry her books. She puts up a pretty good fight, but Albert steps in by telling “Bartholomew” to stop. “Don’t call me Bartholomew, shorty,” he responds. Albert, who is one-third the size of the new “kid” counters with “Don’t call me shorty, Bar-thol-o-meeeew,” then shoves the bully away. Sidebar: a few years later there’s an episode where Albert is revealed to be a morphine addict. I wonder if he got hooked on the stuff as a result from all the cruisin’ for bruisin’ that he evidently enjoys engaging in.

Anyway, Bart punches Albert squarely across the face and knocks him to the ground. Laura sees an opportunity to jump on Bart’s back to pull him away, but since he is more man than child (at least 90/10) he is still able to go after Albert. Almanzo, who is at work, can see the commotion and runs over to help. He struggles to pull Laura off of Bart and also Bart off of Albert. Bart tells him to butt out, causing Almanzo to ask if he really wants to fight with a girl. The bully says he was fighting Albert and Almanzo points out that the kid is half Bart’s size. It might be fair to point out that Bart is about the same size, if not a tad bigger, than Almanzo. “You’re not!” Bart says as he reels up a punch. Almanzo blocks him and gives the “kid” a solid gut shot. Almanzo sends the crowd home then gets his flirt on with Laura and her pigtail. Ick. He also takes a look at Albert’s eye and predicts a beauty of a shiner. As the Ingalls kids walk away, Bart yells at Albert “I’m gonna get you, shorty.” Albert almost engages again, but Laura pulls him back.

On the trail to the homestead, Laura is going on about Almanzo’s surplus awesomeness. Albert whines about how he didn’t need to be rescued, but Laura decides to razz Albert about it instead. They try to figure out what to tell Ma and Pa about Albert’s eye which turns into a lengthy discussion about lies of omission versus boldface lies. It’s not interesting filler. Somehow it works around to Albert needing to use his brains to beat Bart rather than his non-brawn. Laura warns him not to get his brains knocked out by Bart.

The next day Almanzo is dropping off his sister at the school when Mr. Slater intercepts them. He’s pissed. “WILDER! You hit my boy, yesterday.” Almanzo claims self-defense, but Mr. Slater says that Bart said that Almanzo started the fight for no reason. His name ain’t Tracy, Mr. Slater. Anyway, Almanzo calls bullshit and tries to explain what really happened. Mr. Slater cuts Manly off, saying that children fight amongst themselves so they should handle it. Almanzo says that doesn’t work when one of the kids involved is bigger than most grown men. At least this clears up whether Bart’s size was intentional or a grievous mistake from central casting. Mr. Slater says that he will take care of disciplining his child, and Almanzo tells him to get started. Ooooh, buuuurrrrrn. Slater says Bart behaves at home and that it’s the teacher’s job to make sure he behaves at school. “If you can’t Ms. Wilder, maybe the school board can find someone who can.” Oh dear.

During class, Ms. Wilder is writing something on the board when Bart starts a wadded paper fight with a couple other kids. She restores order then asks Albert to come up to the front and solve the math problem on the board. As he walks up Bart grabs the back of Albert’s suspenders and flings him backwards. Ms. Wilder asks Bart to stop. As Albert does the math, Bart places something on Albert’s seat. Apparently Mary isn’t the only blind one in the family as Laura doesn’t notice. Clarence tries to say something, but Ms. Wilder tells him to be quiet.

Albert completes the division problem without showing his work, which impresses Ms. Wilder. He goes to sit down and lands on a tack. Clarence pipes in that it was Bart who did it. Bart turns around, grabs the kid, lifts him up, and I think is about to unhinge his jaw to devour the poor boy before Ms. Wilder tells him to stand in the corner. “My pa ain’t gonna like this,” he says. She corrects his grammar and repeats her demand. As he moves towards the corner, he throws Ms. Wilder’s chair to the ground. I guess he’s preparing his monologue for his intro theater class at the community college. This startles Ms. Wilder and she commands Bart to pick up her chair. “Pick it up yourself,” he sneers. She tries for an ultimatum, but Bart calls her bluff before she gets to the “or else”. Ms. Wilder tries to regain her composure as she begins her lesson on decimals. She’s overwhelmed, decimated even, and decides to dismiss class. The kids file out. As Bart leaves, Ms. Wilder starts crying. She’s not really doing much for the harsh schoolmistress stereotype.