The Music Box 5/5

Laura finds Anna crying in a field. Her tears are either made of Vaseline or her nose is running up her face. Laura apologizes saying that she didn’t know that Nellie was going to be a horrible person. “I trusted you,” Anna says. At this point the stutter is indistinguishable from the sort of staggered speech someone Anna’s age would have when sobbing uncontrollably. Anna says she just wanted to be a part of the club because Laura was in it. Laura tells her she isn’t in the club anymore. Laura promises to spend her time after school helping Anna with her stutter and exacting revenge on one Nellie Oleson. Anna smiles and hugs Laura. The girls run home while singing “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.”

That evening, back at the house, Mary and Caroline battle a ball of yarn while Charles worries about Laura’s whereabouts. We hear thunder as Laura walks in totally soaked. Wow, who knew that song worked? Caroline guides Laura to the fire and asks Mary to get some dry clothes for her sister. As Pa wrings out Laura’s pigtails, Laura decides to confess to stealing the music box. Ma and Pa are disappointed, but Laura recaps the entire story. Oy! That’s my job! Laura finishes by saying that she tried to figure a way out and couldn’t. Pa lectures that Laura couldn’t find a way out because she avoided the easiest way: telling the truth. Laura says she’s ready to face her punishment, but Pa says he’ll leave that up to Mr. Oleson. Laura apologizes to Mary and they hug.

The next morning, Laura hands the music box to Mr. Oleson and apologizes. “I know I was wrong,” she says. “Not as wrong as somebody else,” Nels says before yelling for his daughter to come downstairs. Charles tells Nels that he should be the one to decide Laura’s punishment. Nels says he can’t condone stealing, but Laura may have been punished enough. Did she tell him about the dreams? Because really, that’s the only actual negative consequence she has experienced.

Nellie comes down the stairs and almost runs into the music box that Nels is holding up to her face. Nellie pretends to yell at Laura for being a thief, but no one is buying it. Nellie tries to continue to school, but Nels tells her to go to her room. Looks like option A again. Whoops, nope, Nels grabs the strap as he goes upstairs.

As Laura and Anna run down the Mercantile steps, Willie commands Laura to carry his water buckets for him. Laura refuses, but Willie starts doing his “dum dum” impression again. No, the music box one. Laura and Anna look at each other and smile. Laura agrees and they both grab buckets. They both dump the water over Willie’s head. The two girls head to school arm in arm.

So I guess the lesson here is if you are going to steal, make sure you have a tenuous friendship with someone who has a speech impediment, that way you can live your life without consequences.

The Music Box 4/5

Laura runs through some woods and slows down when she reaches a clearing. She creeps up to a tree and tags Willie. “Gotcha,” says Laura. “No you didn’t,” says Willie. Sounds to me like Willie is planning on a career in soccer refereeing. Laura says she just tagged him, shaking his shoulders a bit to illustrate her point. Willie still claims that Laura didn’t find him. Has Willie started reading up on existentialism? I already have to deal with the dream sequences; don’t throw philosophy into the mix, show. Instead, Willie mimes holding a box and singing “dum dum dum, dum DUM dum, dum dumdumdumdumdumdum.” Laura recognizes the Nerd March and her eyes widen. Willie smiles. “You’re right,” Laura says catatonically, “I didn’t find you.” I think this episode is slowly turning into The Manchurian Candidate.

That evening at dinner everyone is quiet. Charles asks how things are at school, but both Mary and Laura mumble, “Fine, just fine.” Charles asks if the girls are using the new dictionary. “Some,” they both answer. Yeah, evidently. Charles asks about the music box, but this causes Mary to ask to be excused. Mary heads up to the loft. Pa asks if the two girls had a fight. Laura hems and haws, but Charles doesn’t press the point. He sends Laura upstairs.

When Laura gets up to the loft, Mary asks her why she didn’t tell Pa how mean she was to Anna. Laura denies that she was mean and that she likes both Anna and Nellie. Mary calls BS on this, saying that Laura didn’t like Nellie until she received the music box. Isn’t that how gifts work? Laura throws out the “you’re just jealous” but leaves off the “I’m not here to make friends.” Mary snaps back that she doesn’t want to be in the club.

At this point Charles comes up to see what all the fighting is about. Mary says that Laura and Nellie were being mean to Anna. Laura says she didn’t do anything mean, which I think I agree with based on what we saw. “Anna thought you were her best friend,” Mary snarls, “and then you hurt her just like all the others.” Come to think of it, Laura has gone through quite a few “best friends” on this show. Mary might have a point. Mary says Laura made Anna cry, which Laura denies doing on purpose – she just wanted to play with Nellie. Charles reminds Laura that she made a promise (she did?). Laura says, “I guess so,” which fails to impress Pa. Also, he doesn’t understand why Laura can’t be friends with both girls. Mary explains that Nellie’s club doesn’t like Anna because she stutters. Indoor voice, Mary, please. Pa asks if that is true and Laura reluctantly agrees. He tells Laura to tell Nellie that she can’t be in the club unless Anna can be in the club. Everyone leaves grumpy. Laura sits on the bed and contemplates the music box.

Oh no, not another dream. This time the Nerd March has some sort of dragon breathing sound effect accompaniment. That’s a bad sign. A battalion of redcoats beat on drums as a wagon carrying prisoner Laura approaches. Is that a gallows? A man in a hood leads Laura off the wagon and past her family gathered at the foot of the gallows steps. Laura hugs Caroline, but the hood pulls her away. An executioner sucking on a candy cane watches from above. Laura walks up the steps and the executioner (played by Nellie) grabs Laura and puts her into position under a noose. Nellie pulls the rope down and places it around Laura’s neck.

Time-out! There is no way in hell that a scene like this could get on TV today. The Parents Television Council would throw a level five shitfit if this were on broadcast TV. You know anyone who describes ‘Little House’ as “quaint” or “banal” has never watched an episode because you have this, which was on during the family hour in its original broadcast. And there was no “viewer discretion is advised” or “TV-14”.

Time-in. Nellie tightens the rope around Laura’s neck(!). Laura glances over to the lever as a drumroll starts to play. Nellie stands for a moment and grabs hold of the lever. Laura watches. Nellie pushes the switch.

Laura, who is wearing a pillowcase over her head, rises out of bed and grabs her neck. Mary just glares at her sister. “Good night, Laura,” she says flatly. What the friggity frig, yo. “Goodbye, Mary,” Laura says. Mary does a slight double take before both girls nod off.

Nellie spots Laura on the front steps of the Mercantile the next morning. Laura tells Nellie what Charles told her about Anna’s membership. Nellie says he can’t force Anna into the club. I don’t think Charles really cares about your bylaws, Nellie. Laura says she’ll have to quit, but Nellie says Laura better talk to her father or she will. I realize Nellie wants control over Laura, but what is so important about needing Laura in the club? Anyway, Laura says her hands are tied. Nellie thinks for a moment and a sly smile crosses her face. Uh oh. She says that maybe Anna can be in the club. Laura is not suspicious at all and the two girls run to tell Anna the news.

After school the club gathers in Nellie’s room. It is time for Anna’s initiation. Nellie asks why Anna wants to be in the club. Anna says it is a good club and the girls are all her friends. Laura is smiling while the rest of the girls look stoned. The girl to Laura’s right looks like the guy that Wayne and Garth pick up at the beginning of Wayne’s World. Nellie asks who makes the rules (the prez and VP) then hands Anna a sheet with the club’s secret password. Anna looks at the sheet and her face falls. She looks at Laura whose smile fades quickly. Apparently the VP didn’t know about the password rule.

“This isn’t a password,” says Anna. Nellie says it is and tells Anna to read it. The password is “Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers.” *ding* That’s going to be difficult to convey with just one-word clues. Even Betty White would have trouble with that. Anna struggles through the phrase as an evil smile creeps on to Nellie’s hateful face. “No, no,” Nellie scolds, “you have to say it fast.” The girls start to giggle as Nellie heckles the girl. Laura looks mortified. “No Anna,” Laura says, “take your time. You can do it if you take your time.” Anna nods and tries again. Nellie keeps screaming “fast!” Anna struggles to the point of tears and runs out of the room. Laura runs to the door and calls after the girl. She then turns to Nellie. “I hope you’re proud of yourself,” she says. “That’s the meanest thing anybody ever did. “ Laura deduces that this was all a ruse by Nellie to make Anna cry. Laura says Anna just wanted to be friends. Stoner girl looks to Nellie as if to say “where’s your mom with the snacks?” Laura leaves. Nellie rushes to the door and threatens to tell if she doesn’t come back. Nellie slams the door.

The Music Box 3/5

Laura, Anna and Mary are carrying their books as they walk past the Mercantile on their way to school. “Laura Ingalls!” Nellie races down the front steps as Laura stops in her tracks. Nellie sneers that she wants to talk to Laura then offers her a gumdrop. Willie observes the bi-polar action from the porch. Laura accepts the gumdrop while Nellie invites Laura to eat lunch with the club. Laura says she is still mulling over her membership. Anna volunteers that she will be in the club, but Nellie says Anna can’t be a member until she learns how to talk. Laura doesn’t take too kindly to this, so she returns the gumdrops and tells Nellie she won’t be joining. Laura and Anna walk away arm in arm. Nellie screams after them. “A chicken can squawk, a butterfly can flutter, but Anna can’t talk, all she can do is st-st-stutter.”

Nels is out on the porch at this point and yells at his daughter while Willie giggles. Nels tells her to get in the house and get the strap ready. Yikes. Nels looks at Willie who says he didn’t do anything. Nels pulls Willie into the shop anyway. The kids run to Harriet and hide behind her. She doesn’t know what is going on (as usual), but begs her husband to give the kids another chance. Nels brandishes the strap saying that Nellie doesn’t deserve another chance. Nellie apologizes and even vouches for her brother that he didn’t do anything. Nels tells Nellie that she will be grounded from school for the day and will go to Anna’s house that afternoon to apologize. Harriet is horrified, insisting that her daughter will be humiliated. Nels says that’s the point. He gives Nellie the choice between the strap and a half-assed apology. Nellie says she doesn’t know where Anna lives, but her father says to ask Laura. Nellie doesn’t like that idea, but Nels brandishes the strap again and tells Nellie to choose. To recap, the choices are A) Stay home from school for the day and then walk over to Anna’s house to “apologize”, or B) A whuppin’. Nellie chooses A. Nellie goes upstairs and Nels tells Willie to clean his room. Today is a school day, right?

That afternoon, Laura is in the barn trying to fix the music box. It isn’t going very well. Outside, Nellie approaches the homestead and Jack goes into Cujo mode. Good for him. The sound isn’t great, as they play barking sound effects when Jack’s mouth does not show any sort of barking or growling, just drooling. Nellie rushes into the barn to hide from the dog. Laura is caught off-guard (she didn’t hear the dog?) and Nellie realizes that it is her music box that Laura is tinkering with. Laura tries to lie that it is her own box but Nellie calls BS on that instantly. Laura insists that it’s hers, so Nellie suggests asking Laura’s parents. Laura, realizing that she’s caught, confesses. Nellie says she is going to tell, but Laura says she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie verifies this incredibly stupid statement, but Laura insists that she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie tells Laura that she is going to be in the club and warns Laura that if she steps out of line, Nellie will tell and possibly try to have Laura put in jail. Laura promises to follow Nellie’s orders.

At this point Pa walks in. He asks what’s up and Laura says they were just listening to Nellie’s music box. “Oh it’s your music box now, Laura,” Nellie says. Pa is pleased with this news, especially since it appears that the two buried the hatchet -- and not in anyone’s skull. Nellie leaves but as she exits she asks Mr. Ingalls if Laura can go to her house after school tomorrow. Charles is okay with this. Nellie asks Laura how to get to Anna’s before she leaves. Once she is gone, Pa says he is really happy to see this new development. Laura catatonically agrees.

Nellie’s arrival at Anna’s house is inexplicably framed through the arms of a chair on her porch. Inside, we see that the props office used the “LHOTP – Generic” item list, which includes a shawl, butter churn, rocking chair, and a woodpile. Anna’s mom answers Nellie’s knocking by opening the door, but answers Nellie’s questions in Swedish. I wonder what obnoxious schoolyard rhyme Nellie has for that linguistic trait? Anna comes out of her room and asks Nellie what she wants. Nellie apologizes, but Anna doesn’t quite believe it. Anna’s mother asks, through Anna, if Nellie would like to stay for dinner, but Nellie politely refuses. Anna gets the door for Nellie and walks her outside. Nellie apologizes again, but the insincerity starts to drip when she tells Anna that she is talking much better. Anna doesn’t have an insincerity detector, so she is thrilled by this development.

That evening at the homestead, Laura puts down her dictionary and asks her Pa what it’s like to be in jail. Did Charles do hard time? That would be amazing. Aww, he says he has never been. Charles asks why Laura wants to know and she says it’s for homework. Did Miss Beadle ask the kids to write prison letters? Charles said he met a couple of guys who went to jail during the War, but he isn’t inclined to repeat their stories. Laura asks what sort of crimes lead to jail time – cheating, hurting somebody, and stealing are what Charles list. Laura speculates that stealing only applies to big things like horses, but Charles says you can hang for a crime like that. “No, they put you in jail for stealing just about anything,” Pa continues. This does not ease Laura’s nerves.

The Nerd March plays as we enter another one of Laura’s dreams. A fire burns in the center of a medieval prison. One prisoner is stretched on a rack while several others sleep on the stone floor. Someone is laughing as Harriet enters wearing a hood and carrying a giant bucket. Laura is looking even more bedraggled than in her previous dream. Harriet reaches into the bucket and pulls out a wad of breadcrumbs that she chucks to the ground. All of the prisoners scramble to the food except for a Leif Garrett impersonator chained to the wall. As Harriet feeds the birds, Nellie walks in wearing a hood and eating from a chicken bone. She laughs as Laura notices the meat. Laura crawls towards the Oleson jailors who continue to laugh at the girl. Once Laura reaches Nellie and begs for food, Nellie bludgeons the girl with the chicken. Nellie leaves and slams the door.

Laura starts to bang on the door and we fade out of the dream. Back in reality, Laura is banging on the wall screaming, “I’m hungry.” Mary wakes up her sister and tells her to knock it off. Charles yells up to the loft to find out what’s going on. Laura and Mary say nothing, but Charles yells up again demanding an answer. Mary says flatly, “Laura rolled over and fell out of bed.” Mary Ingalls sucks at plausibility. Charles asks if she is all right and Laura responds just as flatly that she is okay. Pa tells them to go to sleep.

The next morning outside school, Nellie explains to the club that she will decide who is "it" and, as president, she will never be "it". That’s not much of a game, whatever it is you’re playing, honey. Nellie calls over to Laura and Mary, who have just arrived, that they are going to play Hide N Seek. Mary declines, which Nellie is okay with. Nellie then commands Laura to join her. Nellie has decided that Laura will be “it”. Mary and Anna are shocked by this. Laura apologizes to Anna and promises to play with her after school and dejectedly walks towards Nellie and the girls. Anna is deeply disappointed by the development.

The Music Box 1/5

Oh God! Bees are chasing the girls down the hill! Oops, I hit the soccer ball button by mistake on YouTube. Damn vuvuzelas. No worries – the girls are safe. See, a closeup of a bunny rabbit ornament opens the show – everything is super. We pan across the window display and see all sorts of toys. Uh oh. This one is directed by Michael Landon. I take back what I said about the girls being safe – some bad shit is about to go down.

Deep breath. Okay.

Laura stands outside the Mercantile as she looks through the window display. Mary comes out from around the corner and tells her sister that they are going to be late. Laura is anxious not because of Mary’s tardiness but because her birthday is coming up and she wants to know what she is getting for a present. Mary says she isn’t going to tell, mainly because she doesn’t know. This angers Laura. The girls leave for school.

That evening, we see Charles exit Carrie’s room with a wrapped square-shaped item. Hmmm, too thick to be a DVD. Too light to be a laptop. Too small to be an N64. I wonder what it could be? Laura opens the present and it’s…it’s…a dictionary? What the frick kind of present is that? I can see Mary finding 101 uses for it, but it’s Laura’s birthday. She politely thanks her Pa, but you can hear the disappointment in her voice. Pa talks up the book saying that it has all the new words and a science section. As I paused the video to write that last sentence, Mary is giving Charles a look that says “really old man? Even I think that’s pretty square.”

Later on we see Charles and Caroline talking about the book as they get ready to go to sleep. Charles can’t get over the astronomy maps or the atlas. I will admit that does sound like a handy reference tool, but it ranks right up there with a sock-making kit as “most boring present to give a 10 year old”. Caroline smiles and nods, causing Charles to realize his folly. Caroline tries to coddle her hubby by saying she would have picked out the same thing. She justifies this by saying that Laura needs to be happy with getting what she needs rather than what she wants. Although I can agree with that sentiment, I still think this would have been a much more appropriate gift for Mary, especially if the whole family will be sharing the reference material. Actually, the sock-making kit would probably have been a better choice for Laura. Caroline also suspects that years from now Laura will still use the dictionary more than any fancy doodad from today.

The next day Laura resumes her post outside the display window. A blonde girl named Anna runs up and stands by Laura’s side. Laura asks which toy Anna would choose if she got to take one item home. Anna struggles as she says she would take the doll. As Anna stutters through her answer, Laura advises her friend to take her time. Eventually Anna says that she would want a doll, because it would be like having a sister, and she would name it Laura. Aww, this is so sweet – something horrible is going to happen to this girl, I just know it.

Just then, Nellie and a group of girls enter through the back of the Mercantile. Nellie calls over to Laura and demands that she come upstairs to play. Laura politely refuses, but Nellie says they are starting a club – no boys and only Nellie’s bestest friends are allowed. “Why did you invite me?” Laura asks. Nellie’s eyes narrow and she repeats her invitation. Laura says she’d rather play with Anna. Nellie grumbles that Ann can come along, causing the nice blonde girl to perk up. Laura considers for a moment before reluctantly agreeing.

Upstairs the girls browse through Nellie’s toy collection. While the extras murmur about the dollhouses, Laura focuses all of her attention on a music box playing atop Nellie’s desk. Nellie slams the box shut before calling the meeting to order. Nellie recites the agenda that includes roll call followed by election of the vice president. Laura point-of-orders that there needs to be a president, but Nellie says that the club will meet at her house therefore she is President. First, that would make her a dictator. Second, that sounds more like a qualification for Secretary or Sergeant-at-Arms. Nellie nominates Laura for VP, but Laura suggests Anna instead. “She can’t be in the club,” Nellie states. Laura asks why. “Y-y-y-y-you kn-kn-kn-know w-w-w-w-why.” Anna looks down as the other girls giggle. What a b-b-b-b-b-bitch. Before things get really awkward, Harriet barges in and announces that she has snacky snacks ready for all the girls. Laura and Anna stay behind. Anna suggests that they join the others before she leaves the room, her head still hanging down. Laura follows but stops to look back at the music box. She waits a moment before she snatches it from the bed.

The Camp-Out 5/5

Charles and Nels are still searching for their daughters. After a few barks from Jack, we rejoin the girls on their White Water Adventure. Nellie manages to put aside her sense of survival to whine and pout some more. She’s like a more annoying version of Willie from Temple of Doom.

Charles calls out for Laura while Nels skips a stone on the river. Jack starts to freak out and bark at the bushes where Nellie fell in. I think there’s a dog that could benefit from some Lassie training. Charles spots Laura’s leaf bag and both men start to get a bit more concerned. Charles speculates that the girls are probably farther downstream, but that causes Nels to suppose that they might have fallen into the river. Charles tells Nels not to “chase shadows”, which I think is a little unfair.

The girls enter another set of rapids and manage to avoid slamming into rocks again. I call no waysies. We then see a series of waterfalls that the girls are sort of approaching. Of course, they end up taking a fork in the river, so they were never in any (additional) danger. Laura manages to steer the bush towards a tree branch that just happens to be in a shallow part of the river. She forces Nellie to accept the branch as a means of escape from the river, but not after a bout of extreme whining. Shut up, Nellie. Lemmings have a stronger sense of self-preservation than this girl.

As the girls reach the shore, the bush floats over towards the waterfalls and gets swallowed up by the white water. Let’s just pretend they were in danger, shall we? Ooooo! Ahhhh! Ahem. After a short breather, Nellie starts blaming Laura for bumping her into the water, attempting to drown her, and then causing her to cry because she can’t swim. It is at this point that I first notice that Nellie has a rather nasty snaggletooth. Laura tells Nellie to stop bawling, but to no avail. Nellie complains about freezing, but Laura suggests that walking back will probably warm her up. Actually, I don’t think that’s the recommended treatment for hypothermia.

Caroline surveys the river as Harriet walks over. They acknowledge that several hours have passed. Harriet takes responsibility for the whole situation, saying that it was her idea to have Nels finagle an invitation for the Olesons. Caroline says she kinda figured that out already, much to Harriet’s surprise. Harriet still thinks that if she were a better person, this situation would never have presented itself. Caroline’s response: “It takes two to argue.” Love ya, Caroline! Harriet promises to Caroline that if/when the girls come back, she will strive to be a better person. So if the girls don’t come back, you’ll strive to be more like this?

Mary is on calamine duty with Willie. After she applies some goop to his elbow, Willie tells Mary that she doesn’t seem as mean as Nellie says she is. He even goes so far as to call Mary nice. As Mary starts to confess about the poison ivy debacle, Charles bellows that he has found the girls. Everyone runs over to hug the girls. Laura says they rode the rapids, followed by Nellie blaming the Ingalls girl for pushing her off the riverbank. Laura is outraged, but then Nellie accuses her of pushing her head underwater. Mrs. Oleson returns to her regular Orange Threat Level self and chastises Laura. She then tells Willie to share all his leaves with Nellie since she lost all of hers in the river. Even the special leaves. Mary and Laura smile at this.

Back in Walnut Grove, Miss Beadle is ready to announce whose collections won out. She says they came from two students. Mary and Laura perk up, but it is Willie and Nellie who won. Miss Beadle leads the class in a round of tepid applause. The kids turn around and…hey! They stole my Halloween costume! Miss Beadle starts itching her neck. Laura and Mary look at each other but don’t say anything. Are they the only two people in Walnut Grove who can recognize poison ivy? Wah wah.

The Camp-Out 4/5

The next morning Willie and Harriet are covered in some homemade paste that Caroline applies. Laura and Mary watch as the Olesons scratch themselves. Thank God for TV – that is not my idea of entertainment. Harriet tells Willie to stop scratching, causing Laura to smirk. Mrs. Oelson wonders aloud why she and her son are the only ones to be affected. Well, if you let Willie share his treasure trove then everyone would be complaining. Happy now, Harriet? Mary doesn’t offer my answer and instead uses the semi-rhetorical question as an opportunity to exit before she shares her knowledge about the poison ivy.

Nels saunters over and asks his wife if there is anything he can do to help her. She tells her husband not to worry and to go fishing as if nothing were wrong. Strange, but there is no air of a guilt trip when Harriet says this. Nels notices this too, so he and Charles scamper off before Harriet has another change of heart.

Later along the riverbank, we see Laura and Mary running towards more leaves. Nellie yells for the girls to wait up so she can “search” along with them. Mary suggests that they split up to maximize their leaf count. Nellie decides to continue to tag along with Laura. It’s probably for the best – we don’t want Nellie to get eaten by a panda bear drinking from the Danube now, do we?

Jack leads the way down a narrow path along the river. Laura gingerly walks towards a leaf but Nellie swoops in and snatches it. Farther down the path, Nellie spots some leaves right by the river’s edge. Laura calls over to Nellie, telling her to be careful. Nellie scoffs at this. A moment later she screams as she lowers herself, er, “falls” into the water. Laura runs over to grab the girl, but the bush that Nellie was holding onto uproots and pulls both of the girls into the rapids. Of course. Jack barks in disapproval.

Back at camp, Charles swoops in to steal a sandwich from a stack that Caroline had prepared. He asks how the leaf hunters are doing and his wife reports that Mary came back but Laura and Nellie were still out and about. Charles checks in with Mary to see her leaf collection. Over at the Oleson side of the camp, Harriet tells Nels that lunch is almost ready so he should call for Nellie. He looks around a bit before asking Mary if she has seen his daughter. Mary says she hasn’t, but she found Jack nearby so the girls must be around somewhere. Charles and Nels decide to go look for the girls.

Meanwhile downstream, Laura and Nellie cling to the bush as the rapids carry them. “We’ll have to wait until it gets shallow,” Laura says. Nelly whines at an ear-piercing frequency about not being able to swim. After navigating past a fallen tree trunk, we enter into an homage to Deliverance. If anyone tells Nellie that she has a purty mouth, I am so done with this project. Despite the bush’s incredibly weak roots, the girls manage to hang on and not slam into any rocks…so far…

The Camp-Out 3/5

Later on, we see Caroline bringing some tree branches to Harriet who is struggling with setting up the Oleson tent. Caroline offers to help, but Harriet insists on trying to get it done herself. Mrs. Ingalls observes for a bit before complimenting Mrs. Oleson on her outdoors skillz. Harriet jokes about giving her brothers camping lessons when they were growing up. Who is this pleasant person and what did she do with Mrs. Oleson? As Harriet starts to lay down the branches in the tent, the support tie comes undone and the whole thing collapses on Harriet. Whoops.

A bit later, Charles and Nels walk back to the campsite carrying a couple bundles of fish. The kids run to their respective fathers as they show off their hauls. Nels stops in his tracks when he sees the camp completely set up. “I never thought you could do that by yourself,” he marvels. Harriet stammers for a second before Caroline pipes in that she was also amazed with her work. Nice save, but now I’m starting to worry that something is wrong with the water in the river. What’s going on with these people? The women take the fish and get ready to cook dinner. Nels is dubious of Harriet’s extreme chipperness.

That dubiousness is replaced with indigestion as Nels struggles to get his fork into the charred piece of fish meat on his plate. Harriet is not a top chef when it comes to campfire cooking. Charles offers to trade some of his fish for Nels so that the latter will have something for dinner. Meanwhile, the kids are showing their respective Ma’s the leaves they have collected. After Caroline sends her daughters to bed, we hear Willie telling Harriet about his extra special find. There is some bickering about sharing (Willie doesn’t want to, surprise) that catches Mary’s attention. She points out the poison ivy to Laura, who asks what they should do. “I think we better go to bed – NOW,” says Mary. Laura disagrees and suggests telling Pa. Mary thinks the best course of action is to say nothing, especially if the Olesons don’t end up touching the plant enough to get affected. We then see Harriet rubbing the leaves on her face. Horticulture FAIL.

The Camp-Out 2/5

I guess Charles reconsidered, because we now see him carrying Carrie and leading a horse down a trail with the rest of the traveling party following. Laura grabs some leaves from a bush and Nellie grabs some as well. Good strategy Nellie, go for the tie. Bringing up the rear are Nels, who appears to have packed the same way Waldo does, and Harriet, who is struggling to keep her balance while walking with a parasol. I have to wonder if Jennifer Saunders used this scene as inspiration for Edina Monsoon.

Nels and Sweetie Dah-ling reach a small mud creek. Nels hops over it with ease, but Harriet, who is also carrying the tea service, struggles with leaping. Apparently the umbrella was Harriet’s center of gravity as she falls backwards into the creek. Wah wah. She tries to save face as Nels helps her up.

As Charles enters a clearing, Caroline calls ahead and suggests that they take a break so the Olesons can catch up. Laura asks if she can go hunt for leaves and takes off to go search. When the Olesons finally arrive at the pit stop, Charles informs them that this is a non-elimination leg and they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other travelers. The Olesons look relieved.

Over in the foliage follies, Nellie instructs Willie to stick with Mary and to get two of everything that the Ingalls girl grabs. That way both the Oleson kids will have the same set of leaves. Nothing like a three-way tie. Mary tells Willie to bug off, but he refuses. After an unnecessary cutaway to Laura, Mary spots a plant that has three leaves. Her eyes bug but she doesn’t grab any of the leaves. Willie sees Mary’s p-p-p-poker face and runs over to collect the foliage. Mary tells him to stop, but he tells her the leaves are his. Oh, Laura was joining the scene, as she now tells the two that the pit stop is over.

Willie sticks his tongue out as he leaves. Once he’s gone, Laura chides her sister for letting Willie be a twerp. “He should be taught a lesson,” Laura says. “He will be,” Mary replies, “that was poison ivy.” Laura giggles after another close-up of the plant.

We see some snow-capped mountains. Umm, where are they exactly? The highest point in Minnesota is Eagle Mountain, but that’s only 2300 feet and next to Lake Superior. Walnut Grove is in the opposite corner of the state. Nice attention to detail, show. Anyway, we see the party arrive next to a flowing river (probably the Potomac or the Ohio) and everyone washes up. The kids run off to find more leaves, the women offer to set up camp, and Nels and Charles head off to go fishing.

The Camp-Out 1/5

Walnut Grove hasn’t changed much since our last visit: Kids still running down the hillside, the wagon still rolling into “The Town”, same old, same old. This episode begins in the school where Miss Beadle is hanging some pictures above the chalkboard. The chalkboard reads “HAppy HoliDAy”. I’m guessing Miss Beadle was an early adopter of MySpace. As the camera zooms in we see the pictures are of different types of leaves.

Miss Beadle acknowledges that the kids are probably excited about the yet-unnamed holiday that is approaching and she has decided that she will not assign any homework. The kids cheer, but Miss Beadle reminds them that their leaf collections are still due the first day back. Willie’s jaw drops just enough so you can fit a beach ball in his mouth. He says he already has his leaf collection. Since when did he become an overachiever? Miss Beadle says that’s fine, but the project still won’t be due until the kids get back.

Laura raises her hand and tells Miss Beadle and the class that the Ingalls family will be going on a camping trip. “We can get all kinds of leaves up in the hills,” she brags. Mary is beaming. Is there a question in there somewhere, Laura, or are you just showing off? Nellie thinks it’s the latter and announces that she thinks it’s unfair that they have access to exotic leaves while everyone else scrambles for the cheap-ass ones in Walnut Grove. Miss Beadle says it really isn’t a big deal. Mary asks, with severity in her voice, if they are going to be graded. Homegirl has her game face on. Miss Beadle says they will and that the best collection will go on display. She dismisses the class. As Laura leaves, she sees that Nellie has her game face on as well.

We join Harriet mid-chew as she kvetches about the Ingalls and their camping trip. “Giving their children an unfair advantage,” she forces through her full mouth. Lovely. Nellie adds to the whining before Nels is all like “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.” Harriet tells her husband to find out where the Ingalls will be camping and then follow along with kids in tow. Nels finds this incredibly tacky, but Harriet plays the “It’s a free country” card, or whatever the equivalent was back then. Why do they have to go to the same spot as the Ingalls family? Couldn’t they just go on their own camping trip and get their stupid leaves that way? Before the logic police start to gather, Harriet and Nellie do a tag team guilt trip about how Nels is allegedly a bad father. Nels counters with his concern about having to close up shop and losing business. Ooo, now it’s a tennis match! Harriet says she can take care of the store. Nels realizes that if Harriet sticks around Walnut Grove, then he gets a vacation from her. He decides to ride out to the Ingalls farm to find out where they are going.

Charles is either working on a chair or his pecs with some hand crank tool in the barn. Nels rides up and chit chats about fishing. He shows Charles his rod (not a euphemism) and Charles says he would love to try it out (still not a euphemism). Charles invites Nels and the kids to tag along, just as long as they don’t mind roughing it. Nels accepts the invitation.

The next day we see Carrie accepting a piece of candy from Nels in the Mercantile. As Caroline and Nels work out the bill, Harriet enters the room. Nels comes up with a total, but determines that the Olesons will use many of those provisions so he gives Caroline a huge discount. Harriet didn’t realize that Caroline was going on the trip also and she starts to reminisce about camping trips she went on when she was a child. Oh, her poor parents, I can just imagine. Caroline nods politely until Harriet says, “I wish I was going along.” Caroline’s eyes widen with panic and Nels rushes to change the subject. It doesn’t quite work, even when Nels reminds his wife about the store. Harriet muses some more as Caroline and Carrie leave.

That night, Nels puts out the lamp in the bedroom and tells his wife that he’ll try to be quiet when they leave tomorrow morning. She tells him not to worry because she is going to make them breakfast. And every meal on the trip. She rises out of bed and I cannot for the life of me figure out what is on her head. It looks like Coolio threw a tickertape parade on her scalp. I’m guessing she’s trying to curl her hair but it looks bizarre. Nels is shocked, not by the hair but by Harriet’s declaration that she will be camping with them. Nels tries every tactic he can think of to convince Harriet to stay but she won’t have any of it. Wah wah.

The next morning, Charles and the family are finishing packing up their stuff. The Olesons ride up and they chit chat about the beautiful weather. Charles offers to help unload the Oleson wagon and Harriet tells him she’ll take care of the package with the tea service. Why would you bring that? Caroline and Charles immediately know that the only person who would pack such a thing would be Harriet, so she must be coming along. Nels confirms this, so Charles and Caroline decide to have a confab in the barn. Charles says he will not go on the trip with Harriet Oleson. Caroline doesn’t like the situation either, but she does mention that Harriet is trying so hard to be nice so they should give her a chance. Charles mutters all Milton-like after Caroline leaves the barn to break the news that they won’t be going on the trip to her children.

The Wolves 3/5

The next day Doc Baker examines the injured wolf. Isn’t this really outside of his area of expertise? Or is this his wheelhouse and taking care of the townspeople is the outer limits of his knowledge? Either way, the prognosis looks good. Meanwhile Jonathan enters and muzzles the wolf so that she won’t hurt anybody. Before Andrew runs off to school his Pa asks him who knows about the wolf. Andy replies that Laura is the only other person who knows and Jonathan asks that it be kept that way for now. Doc Baker asks Jonathan if Andy is getting attached to the animal and warns against it. Before the Doc leaves Jonathan asks him to also keep news of the wolf on the DL.

Meanwhile, Mary and Carrie are walking hand in hand towards school. There’s the sound of hammering up ahead and Mary sees that her sister is the source. “Laura Ingalls what are you doing up there?” Even Carrie is aware that Laura is building a treehouse. Mary demands that Laura come down from the tree “this instant” and head off to school. You give Mary one iota of responsibility and she institutes Hammurabi’s Code. Mary Ingalls sucks at chillaxing. Laura climbs down the rope attached to the tree and the girls continue to bicker as they make their way to school.

Lunchtime! Andy updates Laura on the wolf situation, starting with the fact that it is a wolf situation instead of a dog situation. As they chat about the animal’s prognosis, Nellie steps out from behind a tree a few feet away from the other kids. She asks what the big secret is that the two of them are sharing, but they decide to play dumb. Nellie offers them some penny candy for the inside scoop and both Laura and Andy look like cheap suits in need of folding. Laura comes up with a bluff about her new treehouse, but Nellie doesn’t buy it. As she walks away Andy cracks and asks Nellie to swear not to tell anybody if he tells her. Nellie crosses her heart so he spills the beans. Nellie, who is sucking on a piece of candy, flatly says “how interesting” and then hands Andy some candy. As the school bell rings, Nellie runs off towards the Mercantile before heading to the school. Andy wonders where Nellie is going since she crossed her heart not to tell anyone. Laura quietly reminds him that the girl doesn’t have a heart to cross. Oh, snap!

Doc Baker happens to be in the Mercantile when Nellie rushes in to tell her mother the news. Harriet laughs off the news, claiming that no one in their right mind would keep a pack of wolves in their barn. Nellie claims she is telling the truth and says that Doc Baker can vouch for her. Harriet asks if that is true and he quickly replies that it is. Andy at least held out for a piece of candy before he blabbed, Doc. Harriet starts to over react (or react, relative to her) but Doc Baker says the adult wolf is muzzled so no one is in danger, particularly since Jonathan is apparently the Jack Hanna of Hero Township. Harriet asks if Baker is a doctor or a veterinarian and he replies that, considering some of his patients, he isn’t always too sure himself. That is not charming. After he leaves, Harriet tells Nellie to take a message to Larabee after school.

After school Andy and Laura are playing with the pups. They are cute in a lupine sort of way. The pups, not the children. Jonathan enters the barn and smiles as he sees the kids and the animals interact. Andy says he wants to name the pup he is holding Jonah. Jonathan playfully reminds his son that the animal is a wolf and not a whale. He then seriously reminds Andy that naming the animal brings him one step closer to making that animal a pet. Jonathan is certainly handling this situation a lot better than Charles handled the Jasper fiasco. Jonathan then provides a short lecture on animal domestication and somehow works God into the order of things. I guess that would explain cows. Anyway, Jonathan goes on to tell a story about this one time in Chicago when he saw a lady walking down the street with a lion on a leash. “There was a look in that lion’s face that said ‘I ain’t happy.’” I call no waysies on that story actually happening. Regardless, the kids get the point and agree to let the wolves go once the mom is healthy.

Later on Laura is continuing work on the treehouse. She consults with the project foreman, Bandit, who barks his approval. Laura decides that the treehouse is missing one vital component but she isn’t sure what it is. A lantern goes off in her head and she heads back towards the barn. Not too much later, Mary comes out of the house in her Aunt Jemima garb and starts calling out for “Laura! Laura Ingalls!” Shut up, Mary. She doesn’t and tells Laura that dinner is ready. Laura complains about the food and Mary says in a particularly flat and nasal voice “I’m running out of patience.” I think this line reading completely sums up the character of Mary Ingalls. Anyway, before heading into the house, Laura takes the ladder from the barn to the tree.

Meanwhile, Jonathan is taking inventory at the mill when Larabee drives up. Jonathan rolls his eyes slightly and returns to his paperwork. Larabee tells Garvey that he wants the wolves that are shacking up in the Garvey barn. Jonathan tells Larabee to bug off and just take care of his town business. Larabee walks over to his wagon and unveils a dead calf as his town business. Larabee has determined that Live Wolves + Dead Calf = Garvey’s Problem. That’s a fair equation, but Jonathan explains that he has a wounded mama wolf and two pups. Larabee isn’t too concerned about that and would rather make sure that all wolves be eradicated from the planet. Garvey says no and tells Larabee to stay away from his land. Honestly, it looks like Larabee is about to cry as the dramatic music plays.

The Election 5/5

Election day! Mary is giving a speech about how honored she is by the nomination. She references the conversation she had with Pa regarding campaign promises and refuses to make any. “If you do vote for me, I’ll appreciate it,” she says meekly. Mary Ingalls sucks at stump speeches. Hmm, the class disagrees with me on that one since they give her a healthy round of applause. Nellie is up next. See Mary, Nellie actually stepped onto the dais that Miss Beadle’s desk is on to make her speech. Oh, but she blows her goodwill by referring to her classmates as “fellow Americans.” Miss Beadle actually has to look down to stifle a chuckle. As Nellie confidently blah blah blahs, Laura whispers to her sister that Nellie is really giving a list of reasons to punch her in the nose. Hehe.

Meanwhile Elmer, still muddy from the bay of pigs invasion, is walking up to the school. He stops when he reaches the steps and considers whether or not to enter. He decides to walk in just as Nellie is finishing her speech. “And finally,” she says “you should vote for me because my mother will give a party if I win.” I’ve always been dubious about student government and this is pretty much why. When Nellie steps down, the only person to applaud at first is the girl who seconded Nellie’s nomination. A few other people catch on and politely clap, but it is not as rousing as Mary’s support.

Elmer finally enters the classroom and Miss Beadle is shocked by his appearance. The kids laugh at him. Shut up, children. The teacher asks what happened, but instead of telling the truth Elmer opts for the “Luka” defense and says he slipped and fell. Miss Beadle asks if the other boys were responsible but Elmer is all mum. She tells Elmer to go home and get cleaned up before making his speech, offering to postpone the vote until the afternoon. Elmer thanks her then says he isn’t going to run for president after all. He goes on to say that he is now in on the joke and he’d rather not waste the time. The kids laugh and Miss Beadle tells them to stop. Elmer says it’s fine since he knows that they don’t think much of him anyway. “I don’t even know what a class president is supposed to do,” he says. I bet if you ask your fellow candidates they wouldn’t know either, Elmer.

Elmer goes on to say that he does know what’s right and wrong and that he doesn’t think the older kids should be picking on others. It looks like Joel is taking the words to heart but Kenny still has a stupid look on his stupid face. “And it ain’t right to give someone something to make ‘em vote for you,” he says directly to Nellie. She promptly makes her bitch face (no, the other one). He adds “no pushing people into mud” to the list and that finally makes Kenny reflective. “My mother made me this shirt because she loves me,” Elmer says. “You probably all think that’s dumb. But that’s what’s wrong around here: people don’t pay no mind to other people’s carings.” Ooo, establish that narrative. My government professor from undergrad would be pleased. Laura is starting to get choked up and Mary is already glassy-eyed. Oh, there’s the tear.

Miss Beadle, who is also choked up, thanks Elmer. Mary raises her hand but Miss Beadle says the time for speeches has passed. Mary says she doesn’t want to make a speech: she wants to withdraw. Mary then throws her support behind Elmer. “I know you’re not supposed to run,” Mary says, “but you have to cause you’re the only one that really knows what a president should do.” First off, “not supposed to run”? Based on what criteria? Second, unless a president is supposed to shame people for their bad behavior, I fail to see what Elmer has done to demonstrate a total grasp of the job specifications of the nebulous “class president” position. Anyway, Elmer thinks about it for a moment and decides to stay in the race. Time to vote.

Laura gets her Jeff Probst groove on and tallies the results. The last two votes are for Elmer, making the final tally twelve for Nellie and twelve for Elmer. Ooo, now we get to see a fire-making challenge. Miss Beadle declares a tie, but Mary says there should be twenty-five votes. Nellie points out that Willie went to the outhouse. He couldn’t have voted before leaving the room? Or they couldn’t wait until he came back? Willie comes back in and everyone stares at him. Miss Beadle asks for his vote. Nothing like a secret ballot. Laura tallies the last vote: and it’s for Elmer. Nellie asks how her brother could betray her like that and he says “you’re always picking on me and Elmer won’t let you.” Nellie screams and runs out of the classroom. I just don’t get Minnesota politics. The class cheers for Elmer.

After school, the Ingalls girls rush out of the building and make a bee line for the mill. They cannot wait to tell Pa the news about Elmer’s victory. Mr. Dobkins is at the mill and overhears the story. Laura is beaming that Elmer beat Nellie despite the candy-based disadvantage. Elmer is now walking towards the mill and sees his Pa. Mr. Dobkins excuses himself to meet up with his son. They stare at each other for a moment before Pa Dobkins takes off his hat and says “Congratulations, Mr. President.” They both smile and hug. Aww. Congrats Elmer! This is your first step on your way to becoming Super Nintendo Dobkins!

The Election 1/5

A wide shot of a hillside opens this episode as we watch a boy traipsing along the crest. He slows down as he approaches a tree and begins to crouch towards the ground. He’s found a baby bird struggling in the grass. Fortunately the bird has developed a little bit so it isn’t those ugly slimy creatures that you sometimes see splattered on pavement. The boy looks up and sees the nest that the bird must have called home a few minutes earlier. The boy climbs the tree and places the bird in the nest and tells a nearby bird that he didn’t hurt the chick before he continues on his trek. We don’t see if the mama bird nudges the chick out of the nest again.

The kids are playing outside before school begins and there are a couple of older boys, one with dark hair and one with red hair, running around interfering with everyone’s activities. The boys end up wrestling over by the school house until they notice the Birdman of Walnut Grove approaching. “Did you bring ‘em?” the dark haired boy asks the redhead. The kid says yes but he isn’t in the mood to get into trouble. “Aw, you fret too much,” dark hair says. When was the last time you heard anyone under the age of 18 use the term “fret”? Anyway, the redhead produces an earthworm for dark hair. The boys walk up to the arriving kid and greet him by the name of Elmer. Dark hair says to Elmer, “open your mouth and close your eyes and I’ll give you something to make you wise.” Ooh, a remix (I’m used to the “big surprise” version). Elmer obliges and promptly gets a mouthful of worm. The boys laugh as Mary and Laura look on, scandalized. Elmer tries to rationalize that worms aren’t so horrible to accidentally ingest, but no one is really buying it. The redhead then dives behind Elmer so that dark hair can push the kid over him. Hmmm, Elmer needs to work on his reflexes.

As the twerps run away, Laura jogs over to help Elmer. “If I were you I’d give them both black eyes,” Laura advises. Elmer says that fighting isn’t very Christian like (um, YMMV) to which Laura responds “Oh, I’d do unto ‘em” while brandishing her fist. I do enjoy feisty Laura. Elmer seems a bit blasé about feistiness, claiming that the boys are his friends. Almost immediately the redhead calls over saying “Elmer is the dumbest kid in Walnut Grove.” See, friendly. Yeesh.

Inside the school Miss Beadle announces that during civics class that afternoon there will be nominations for class president. There is some excited chatter after this announcement until the redhead, Kenny, raises his hand and declares that the girls don’t get to vote since women don’t get to vote. Yeah, I can just imagine a progressive like Emma Beadle not allowing females to vote. Shut up, Kenny. Fortunately, since women in 1876 could vote in Wyoming, that will be the precedent Miss Beadle will use to justify the female vote. Some of the boys actually start booing while Nellie screams “And we’ll win!” Sing it Sister Suffragette! Oh, she goes on to say that it is simply a numbers game since there are more girls than boys in the class. Still, you gotta find progress where you can.

During recess we see Nellie and Willie run over to the Mercantile. Inside we see a close-up of the jelly bean canister getting emptied and pull out to find that it is Harriet and not Nellie doing the emptying. She asks her daughter if that will be enough but Nellie mentions that a couple of the girls are partial to sour balls. Willie tries to cash in on the candy giveaway, but Harriet says no way since he is going to vote for his sister anyway. Willie is all “nuh-uh”, so Harriet gives in and fulfills his candy requests.

At this point Nels comes down the stairs and tells the kids to stop raiding the candy. Harriet says it’s alright before sending the kids back to school. “You know what the dentist in Mankato said and I paid dearly for the words,” Nels reminds his wife. Harriet explains that the candy is merely a contribution to her daughter’s political campaign. Harriet leaves to check on the roast in the oven and Nels starts to mumble something about the kids borrowing Harriet’s teeth. Harriet asks if he said something and he bluffs his way out by saying something about the roast being a good piece of beef. Hehe.

Back at school it is nomination time. “We’re going to hold our election just like the national election, the one that gave us Rutherford B. Hayes for our new president,” Miss Beadle explains. Oh jeez. I truly doubt that she is going to establish an Electoral College in the classroom so already it won’t be like the national election. Also, the election of 1876 was a political wrangling nightmare. First off, Samuel Tilden, the Democratic candidate, won the popular vote. However, results were disputed in four states – three of which were in the South (including Florida) where Reconstruction was the status quo. The validation of electoral results had to be determined by congressional committee. This resulted in the Compromise of 1877 which included bringing what some historians believe was the premature end to Reconstruction. Have I mentioned yet that this era of American history (the Gilded Age) is my favorite? Also, if you ever find yourself on I-80/I-90 between Cleveland and Toledo, I highly recommend the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center (exit 91).

So yeah, nominations. Miss Beadle opens the floor and Willie instantly nominates his sister. It takes a while for anyone to second the nomination and Nellie has to “psst” one of the girls sucking on a sour ball to do so. Miss Beadle writes Nellie’s name on the board. Nellie then proposes to close nominations. The class erupts into angry chatter before Miss Beadle calmly reminds her that more than one candidate is needed for an election. Kenny turns around and slaps the blond boy sitting behind him to remind him to nominate someone. This kid, Jim, nominates Mary. Mary is quietly surprised while Laura is ecstatic about this development. Another boy seconds the nomination. After Mary’s name is on the board, Kenny nominates Elmer Dobkins. All the kids laugh as dark hair seconds the nomination. “We need one boy to run against the girls,” one of the pranksters says. Hmmm, I wonder if Elmer’s slogan will be “Choo-choo-choose me!”

Bunny 5/5

That night Charles is in the barn working on a project of some sort. There’s not much light in this scene but it looks like it might be a wheelchair. Laura comes in dressed in her pajamas. Pa asks her what she is up to and Laura says she wanted to say good night. After they hug, Laura inspects the Pa's project. He confirms that it is a wheelchair that he is fixing up. I hope he does something about the seat back because it is worn through to the point that it is framing Laura in the shot. We can see through the busted wicker that Laura is a little freaked out by the wheelchair concept. “But she doesn’t need a wheelchair,” she claims. Pa pauses before responding, “Half-pint, we don’t know that.” Laura calls no waysies based on the fact that she prays to God every night that Nellie will get better. Pa tries to begin rebutting this point (I would start with “even God has limitations when it comes to Nellie Oleson”) but Laura flat out denies her father. “God’ll fix everything,” Laura says as she inches toward the door with a tear rolling down her face. “You wait and see.” The Melodramatic Piano of the Dentist Office Waiting Room music begins to play as Pa calls out for his daughter.

The next morning Charles ties the chair to Doc Baker’s wagon. They chit chat a bit before Caroline comes outside to greet the Doc. She invites him to the picnic that the Ingalls family will be hosting that afternoon, but he has to decline the invitation. “Folks around here seem dead-set on getting sick whenever the fish are biting,” he quips before taking off.

Charles walks over to his wife and asks if Laura has changed her mind about going to the picnic. Caroline says she hasn’t, so Charles offers to ask one more time. Inside the house Laura is working on an assignment. Pa enters and tells his daughter that the family is leaving. She tells him to have a good time and continues to work. Pa starts to say something, but Laura interrupts him again to say that she doesn’t feel like fishing anyway. Pa makes a frowny face then leaves.

Over at the Oleson house, the wheelchair is set up in the parlor and Doc Baker is carrying Nellie down the stairs. That girl has huge feet. Her nightgown is robin’s egg blue – a color that does not do her any favors. Doc Baker sets the girl down in the chair and she is instantly enthralled with the new digs. Harriet is being a, well, nervous Nellie, and I’m not sure if it is because of the second-hand nature of the chair or because her daughter is supposedly an invalid. Doc Baker tells Nellie how to work the chair and also reports that her arm splint will be able to come off in a couple of days. Nellie does a couple of donuts in the parlor (we see that some sort of patch was put on the wicker) while Harriet continues to fidget. Nellie seems pretty satisfied with her new toy and asks when her father will be back. Harriet reports that he should be back this afternoon when he and Willie return from Springfield with the new doll house. Doc Baker calls his patient a lucky girl and then heads out the door.

Harriet thanks Doc Baker for his service and says she will have to ride out to the Ingalls’ place to thank Charles in person. Once the door is closed, Nellie suggests to her mother that she ride out now. Harriet says she can’t leave Nellie alone, but the girl says she can take care of herself. She goes on to say that she can watch the store and that the customers can take down any items that are out of reach. Harriet is still reluctant until Nellie whines “Pleeeeease?” Harriet calls her daughter “brave”. You know who dislikes that sort of terminology? Disabled people. She then decides to head out. As soon as the front door is closed, Nellie hops up from her seat, runs to close the door to the Mercantile, jumps, and does a jig. Seriously?

We join Harriet as she rides up to the Ingalls homestead. Laura is in the stable and has Bunny all saddled up. She’s telling the horse that they’ll go for a ride so that they both won’t be cooped up all day. Harriet walks by the barn and stops once she sees the animal inside. “Where did you get that horse?” she demands. Laura acknowledges that she has been hiding the horse and Harriet jumps to the conclusion that that is why Laura has been so nice to Nellie. I guess since guilt is a concept unfamiliar to Harriet, this would be the next logical conclusion to reach. Laura denies Harriet’s reconstruction of the scenario but it is irrelevant since Harriet says she will take the horse with her. Laura screams “No!” and hops on the horse. Her stunt double rides the horse as fast as possible into town.

The stunt double arrives at the Oleson’s place. Laura dismounts and peeks through the window. Well, well, it looks like Nellie asked her doll to the Sadie Hawkins dance and they are getting their waltz on in the parlor. The filming switches to voyeur-cam as Laura sees the action between the curtains. Laura backs away from the window when she realizes that she has been scammed. She knocks on the door, causing Nellie to slam the music box shut and hop into her chair. However, Nellie’s nightgown gets caught under her right foot causing the fabric to tent. Aside from the almost instant continuity error, wouldn't Nellie realize that there is no way for that to happen and therefore fix it before telling whoever is knocking to “come in”? Check-minus, show -- do a second take next time.

Anyway, Laura opens the door and asks Nellie what she is doing. Nellie says she is watching the store for mother. Laura says she just saw Nellie’s mother and that she was asked to take Nellie outside for some fresh air. Laura is all catatonic as she is delivering her lines, which Nellie doesn’t seem to notice. Laura pushes the girl out the door. Hmm, another error: how did Laura get Nellie down from the porch when there’s no ramp? Laura is jogging behind Nellie and tells her she needs to pick up speed to get up the hill. Nellie is getting rather nervous at this point. They reach the top of the hill near the mill and Laura claims she has to take a breather. Nellie is all "whatever" at this point, mainly because she is somewhat powerless to extract herself from this situation. Laura starts to ramble about how her life has changed after the accident, causing Nellie to ask if she is alright. Laura wonders why she would ask that. “You just seem to be acting funny,” Nellie replies. No, more like acting poorly.

Just then, Mrs. Oleson rides into town and Laura notices the wagon. She stands up and calls for Mrs. Oleson’s attention. Harriet stops, looks up and yells “Laura Ingalls, what have you done with that filthy animal?” Laura runs behind the chair saying, “Nellie, your mother wants you!” She then pushes Nellie’s chair down the hill. Nellie starts to scream, most likely because she is in a situation where she could ACTUALLY BE KILLED. WTF, Half-pint? “You’re such a good friend, Nellie!” Laura says smiling. Nellie and her stunt dummy make it all the way to the bottom of the hill but the chair hits a rock causing Nellie to flip over and land in some water. Harriet is shocked that her daughter is soaking wet but rather subdued for someone who might have just seen her daughter being murdered. Nellie stands up and whines and sobs about being soaked. Harriet sees this as a miracle and swoons backwards out of her wagon. Jeezy creezy, this is so cliché and stupid.

Back at the Oleson house, Laura is pacing outside as Bunny stands off to the side. Nels comes outside and Laura asks if Nellie will be alright. He says yes and says he doesn’t blame Laura for wanting to scare his daughter. He acknowledges that Nellie may be more in the wrong here than Laura. I have to disagree. Laura was stubborn and a doormat in dealing with the Nellie situation but her reaction was a little bit over the top and not quite justified. Whatever, if Nels is okay calling it zero sum, that’s his business. He then surprises Laura by giving her the horse. “An animal is no different than a person,” he says, “it needs to be with someone who loves it.” Sure, why not? Laura’s stunt double rides down the street a bit before running into Jason. Laura asks if he would like to join her and Pa on their next fishing trip. He agrees and they head out.

Nellie watches this scene unfold from her bedroom window and she is not happy. “I HATE YOU LAURA!” she screams (and repeats) as she begins to trash her room. She throws her doll against the wall then gets in a pillow fight with a vase of flowers on her desk. After throwing some books, she grabs a hairbrush and sets her sights on the new doll house. As she gets all smashy smashy on the roof, Willie barges in and tells her to stop. “Don’t break that stuff, give it to me,” he says. Nellie keeps swinging as she calmly says “it’s girl stuff.” Willie says he could sell it, but his sister turns around and she has this look in her eyes that seems to suggest that he will be the next smashy smashy target if he doesn’t leave the room. After Willie runs out, Nellie grabs a horse figurine and says, “I’ll fix you, Laura Ingalls. I’ll fix you.” She throws the horse at a framed needlepoint picture of Harriet. Girlfriend should go to Charm School.

Bunny 4/5

Dinner time, but there are only four people at the Ingalls table. Pa is grumbling that this is the third time that Laura has been late for dinner. Basically he is getting fed up that Laura has put everything on the back burner in her efforts to help Nellie. Mary says that it is only until Nellie recovers, but Charles keeps open the possibility that Nellie may never get better. I'm with Charles on this one, especially since Nellie has managed to fool Doc Baker who would be the arbiter in determining if she is healthy or not. The barn door squeaks and Caroline goes outside to see if it is Laura arriving. Laura calls over to say that she was late because of Nellie's math homework but as soon as she feeds Bunny she'll come in. Ma tells her she missed dinner, but Laura doesn't seem to mind. Pa wants to give her a talking to, but Caroline says she'll speak with her daughter.

Caroline enters the barn and Laura asks if Pa is angry. Caroline clarifies that he is worried, not angry. Caroline is worried too, but Laura says that she'll be fine and it was just this once that was the problem. Caroline tells her that it wasn't "just this once" and then reasons with Laura that if this trend continues, she is going to have to stop helping Nellie. Laura starts to panic, but then Ma asks if Laura has her geography assignment ready for tomorrow. Laura tries to stall, but Caroline wants to see her progress. Laura goes to her books, but she knows she has nothing. She begs Ma to not tell Pa and that she needs to keep helping Nellie until "she sets things right." How long is that going to be, Half-pint? Caroline gives Laura a hug and tells her things will be all right. Laura tells her Ma that Mrs. Oleson spoke to her for the first time today and thanked her for all she has done for Nellie. This convinces Caroline that Laura should continue with the indentured servitude so long as she is home before dark and keeps up with her own school work.

Later that night, Willie is exiting his bedroom. As he lights a candle, he hears some noise coming from Nellie's room. As he investigates, we see that Nellie is sitting in a chair telling her doll about all the nice things they will be getting as long as Nellie is able to keep up her charade. Willie opens the door and asks "How did you get in that chair?" Nellie hops over the bed, closes the door, and prepares to murder her brother. She puts her hand over his mouth and tells him that if he says anything she'll say he is lying. She knows it will work because he lies more than she does. Nellie tells him if he doesn't say anything, she'll give him a cut of her candy supply. Willie asks her why she is doing this and she says she's in it for all the free stuff. Well duh. Nellie offers her brother some candy, but he has to go to the outhouse. That might be where Nellie's plan is going at this rate.

Laura heads up to Nellie's room the next day after school. When she arrives, Nellie is refusing to let Doc Baker examine her. She claims that she can't feel anything, but Doc Baker insists that his tests are necessary to see if Nellie is improving. "I don't like to be stuck by a needle," Nellie whines. Well if you can't feel anything then you won't know if you were stuck, right? Doc Baker asks if it hurts, and Nellie says she wouldn't be able to feel it but she just doesn't like being a part of a process. She begs her mother to tell Doc Baker to leave. He agrees and says he'll check back in a day or two.

Once Nels and the doctor leave the room, Nellie invites Laura in to look at her new doll from England. She goes on to brag that her mother has ordered a whole bunch of fancy new stuff. Laura seems unfazed by any of this and instead presents Nellie's map assignment. Nellie got an A; Laura did not. Harriet feigns disappointment before suggesting that Nellie might want to assist Laura with her homework. WHAT?! That doesn't even make sense. Shut up, Harriet. Nellie thanks her mother for the doll, to which Harriet replies, "You deserve it for that 'A'." She leaves the room before I can throw my shoes at her.

Laura sits at Nellie's bedside and gives her an update on the chat she had with her Ma last night. Laura lays it out that she can't do Nellie's work and her own work. Nellie says it is too hard for her but that doesn't seem to work on Laura. She then claims to feel dizzy. Nellie asks if there is any homework and Laura says there's some arithmetic. Funny, Nellie's dizziness gets worse. Tell her there are fractions and see if she vomits. Nellie begs Laura to do her homework for her. Laura reluctantly agrees. As Laura sets to work, Nellie reminds her to write the numbers small (like Nellie does). Then she pulls out a candy cane and sucks on it while Laura toils away. Yeah, Nellie sucks.

Bunny 3/5

Before heading over to school, Laura stops at the mill to ask Pa if it is alright that she becomes Nellie's slave for the next while. She doesn't phrase it quite like that, but I have a hunch that's the direction things are going. The arrangement that Laura wants is that she will help Nellie after school, simultaneously do her own homework, and Mary will cover her chores. Pa is reluctant but Laura says this would help her feel better about what happened. Pa eventually gives his approval and gets back to work.

As they leave school, Laura offers to do Mary's chores on the weekends since Mary will be doing Laura's during the week. Mary says it isn't necessary, but Laura still thinks this entire situation is her fault. Let's review: Nellie was the one abusing the horse. The horse fought back. Laura is not a part of that equation. The sooner she realizes this, the happier she will be. Particularly since she won't be as overextended as she appears to be making herself. Before the girls leave, a goofy looking boy calls Laura from the steps. "Hey, you wanna go fishin' Saturday?" Laura and this boy start chatting as Mary walks away. When the older girl passes the Mercantile, we see Nellie peering through the window. She's looking right at Laura and the boy with a wry smile forming.

Later on in Nellie's room, Laura is helping with spelling. "The next word is 'allowed'," Laura says. Nellie spells it correctly immediately, which is pretty impressive given that there was no context provided that would separate "allowed" from "aloud". Nellie isn't concerned about that: she is more concerned about whether Jason was in school or not. I'm guessing that's the name of the goofy looking kid. Laura says yes and quickly moves on to the next word: "marmalade". Nellie would rather reminisce about the arguments she and Laura had over Jason. Laura becomes very stiff as the conversation turns. Nellie asks if they talked today and Laura says they did for a little while. Nellie asks if she came up in their conversation, and Laura says he said "hello". Nellie then asks Laura to keep a secret: she loves Jason and with her current condition he probably won't give her the time of day. She confides that she will be "so hateful to any girl that would shine up to Jason." Laura is picking up what Nellie is putting down. "You're such a good friend, Laura," Nellie says before spelling "marmalade" correctly.

That weekend at the homestead Caroline, Carrie and Charles are working on some laundry. As Charles fetches a bucket of water, Jason toddles over. Jeez, is Napoleon Dynamite the bee's knees of Walnut Grove? Laura could do better. Besides, he's age appropriate so you know it won't last. Anyway, he asks Mr. Ingalls if Laura is okay since they were supposed to go fishing together. He wonders if she is sick or mad at him, causing Charles to ask if he did something to make her mad. "No, but sometimes girls get mad at you anyway," Jason says. Charles laughs in agreement. I wonder if he heard the one about the lady stagecoach driver. Oh, mercy.

Jason finds Laura sitting up in the barn loft. He says "hi" and Laura pops out of her thought. He said he was waiting for two hours at the fishing hole but Laura says she just finished her chores. "So I see," he says in a way that seems to challenge Laura's sincerity. "Well I just finished a few minutes ago," Laura retorts. "Alright, I believe you," Jason replies, sounding sincere. Laura doesn't hear it that way and they argue about how he said what he said. It's a pointless argument and Jason acquiesces just to get it over with. He climbs all the way into the loft to say that he stopped by to make sure Laura was alright. Laura asks Jason why he hasn't visited Nellie and he says he didn't have a fishing date with her. Laura concludes that Jason doesn't feel the same way about Nellie since she had her accident. He's all like "what the what?" since he apparently never felt squishy for Nellie and her current condition has not really changed his opinion of her. "Aw shucks, Laura," he says before she tells him to go away. "Dab burn it, Laura, what's the matter with you?" Dab burn it? Laura, honey, you can do better. She sends Jason on his way. As he climbs down, he gets in the last word saying he didn't believe Laura about the chores.

Bunny 2/5

The next day Pa takes Laura to the Mercantile. As Charles gets out of the wagon, Doc Baker exits the store. They greet one another and Doc Baker updates Nellie's condition: no change. Pa pushes for a prognosis, but Doc Baker is unsure of what to expect. But hey, that's what makes being a town doctor exciting, eh? Speaking of, Doc Baker leaves to take care of other patients. Pa tells Laura it's time to go inside, but Laura tries to resist. Pa says he understands how she feels, but she really does have to go inside. Besides, I doubt Harriet will do anything to Laura if Pa is around. But hey, that's what makes dealing with the town crackpot exciting, eh?

The Ingalls enter the store and we see Nels in the storeroom coping with the situation. Charles says hello and Nels instantly pulls himself together. They chat a bit about what Doc Baker had to say, with Nels adding that Nellie is being brave about the situation. Nels also jokes that Nellie's appetite has been unaffected -- she ate a box and a half of bonbons just that morning. Nels says he is holding up but it's Harriet he is concerned about. Charles explains that part of his visit is to tell Nels about the horse, but Mr. Oleson is already aware of the situation and is okay with that solution for now. Charles apologizes that Laura had no right to take the animal, but Nels disagrees saying that Laura had every right since the animal was not at fault. Guh, if this act is going to just reiterate that point again and again, I'm just going to stop right now. Anyway, Nels asks Charles not to mention the status of the horse around Harriet since she thinks the horse just ran away.

During this entire exchange, the camera keeps cutting back to a guilt-stricken Laura. Eventually Nels apologizes for all of the horrible things that were said the day before. He also tells her that Nellie was asking about Laura and wanted to see her when she got a chance. "Maybe I should wait until she's feeling better," Laura says quietly. Nels says Nellie asked this morning, so she should go visit. Pa agrees, so Laura heads upstairs.

Nellie is in bed eating candy when there is a knock on the door. She quickly hides her treats and asks who is at the door. Laura announces herself and Nellie asks her to come in. Harriet is in the room too, so I'm not sure why Nellie was panicky when there was a knock. Laura enters as a cat running across a piano provides the background music. Harriet is still in a snit so she exits and closes the door behind her. Nellie invites Laura to sit on her bedside then asks what it is like outside. Laura says it's a fine morning. "That's what I miss the most," says Nellie. "Seeing the sun, the blue sky, hearing the birds sing." Honey, it's been a day. Also, you have a window. "I guess I'll have to get used to it," she adds. Okay, that point I'll give you. Laura begs Nellie not to say that and Nellie gives her a hug and says "I forgive you." Laura says she wants to help Nellie and do whatever she can. Uh oh -- Nellie's got that look in her blackened eye.

Nellie says that since she will never be able to go to school again ("It would take a miracle") she would like Laura to bring her assignments home so she doesn't fall behind. Why would she need to keep up if she is not expecting to go to school ever again? I realize that most people would do that to hedge their bets, but Nellie doesn't seem like the type. Anyway, Laura says she will and Nellie calls her "such a good friend," the second time in as minutes. Nellie then has a pain of some sort and claims to need to close her eyes and rest for a moment. I think she's just trying to get Laura out of there. I should try that at work some time. Laura leaves for school. As soon as the bedroom door is closed, Nellie pulls up her foot and starts to rub it. Laura must have made it fall asleep with where she was sitting. Hey, wait a minute...

Bunny 1/5

Laura is running across a field and grabs a bright red apple from a tree. She doesn't stop until she reaches a corral where a black horse is hanging out. Laura gives the horse the apple and says she doesn't have time to chat. The horse doesn't seem too broken up by this revelation. Laura continues down the road into town, dropping some books along the way. She retrieves them and moseys on to school. As the horse finishes the apple, we see that this episode was written and directed by Michael Landon. That's always a sign that some really bud stuff is going to go down in Walnut Grove this week.

Laura runs into school, throws off her hat and lunch pail, and then scrambles to her seat. She apologizes to Miss Beadle who asks why Laura was late when Mary was on time. "I had to stop by Simpson's orchard to get an apple for someone," the girl replies. Miss Beadle is touched by the sentiment and thanks Laura. Laura sheepishly corrects Miss Beadle, saying that the apple was for someone else. Nellie announces that the apple was for a horse. The class laughs while Mary rolls her eyes. Miss Beadle tells Laura that she should do her gift giving after school from now on. She then gives the class some time to review some spelling words before an oral exam. The school/church/playhouse is also a dentist office? Oh, wait, I get it.

Nellie leans forward and whispers to Laura to stop feeding her horse. Laura says the horse likes apples, but Nellie doesn't care since the horse is not Laura's anymore. "You only do it because you want her to like you more than she likes me," Nellie says. Laura smiles and says to Nellie, "so that's why you give Miss Beadle apples." Miss Beadle notices the chatter and asks Laura why she is talking instead of working. Laura tells her that Nellie was explaining why she gives apples to the teacher.

After school, Mary is reprimanding Laura about the talking incident from earlier. Really? Nothing else happened at school that day? As they walk home, Laura shares her regret about trading the horse to Mr. Oleson. Mary reminds her that the trade got a stove for Ma. Laura is just disappointed that Nellie is treating the horse so poorly. As the girls walk by the Oleson Corral, Nellie is on top of the horse and is continuously lashing it with her whip. The horse is not a fan and Laura notices this. Laura reaches out to pet the horse's face, but Nellie tells her to back off as she lashes the horse some more. "Don't do that!" Laura commands. But Nellie just does as she damn well pleases saying, "I know how to handle a horse," and continues to thwack it. The horse has had enough and busts out of the corral. Laura screams for Bunny, the horse, to come back. The horse runs up a hill into a wooded area and Nellie gets hit with a tree branch right across the face. She flies off the horse as the girls continue to run after both of them. When they reach Nellie she is unresponsive. Mary goes to get Doc Baker.

Nellie is still unconscious during the examination. She has been moved to her bedroom and Doc Baker looks a tad grim after he examines her eyes. The Ingalls girls watch along with Nels and Harriet. Nels asks if the Doc knows anything yet, but all he can report is that Nellie has a slight concussion. Harriet is horrified by the news. She asks why she won't wake up, and the Doc says although the concussion is slight, the hit to the head was rather significant. Nels asks about Nellie's arm and Doc Baker says he'll get a splint on it just in case there is a slight break. Harriet asks Nels why he let Nellie keep the horse but Nels isn't too worried about his daughter. Since Nels won't engage, Harriet turns on Laura, saying it was her horse and that she should have said it was dangerous. Seriously, lady? That's like saying "how was I supposed to know that this gun shot bullets?" Nels cuts in and says it was an accident, but Harriet believes that the horse deliberately ran her daughter into a tree. Either way, how would that be Laura's fault? Harriet says the horse should get snuffed, but Laura says it wasn't the horse's fault. "I know where the fault lies, Laura Ingalls," starts Mrs. Oleson. "You traded a vicious animal because you wanted to get rid of it for a stove that cost a great deal of money." I realize a lot of this is just the anger talking, but it takes two to trade, Harriet. An "as is" sale is an "as is" sale. Nels tells his wife to calm down, but she continues to threaten the Ingalls girl.

Meanwhile, Nellie wakes up and calls out for her mother. Both her parents go to her side as Doc Baker tells the patient that she gave everyone quite a scare. Laura is relieved as is Mary. The Doc asks how Nellie feels but she says she doesn't know, just that she feels strange. Doc Baker asks for some clarification and Nellie says she can't feel her legs. Harriet gives Doc Baker a look that seems to say "You broke my daughter!" but the Doc cordially offers to do a little test. He pulls out a needle and Nellie gets all kinds of nervous. Doc Baker says it won't hurt and Nellie should speak up if she feels anything. Wouldn't it "not hurting" be a bad thing in this scenario? Anyway, he pokes the tip of Nellie's toe and asks if she feels anything. She says no, so Doc Baker pokes other toes and parts of her feet. She doesn't give any sort of response, but I have to wonder if maybe she has managed to psych herself out of feeling anything. Doc Baker really should poke the center of her sole, but he doesn't. Instead he asks if she can move her legs and Nellie says she can't in the most matter of fact way possible. Harriet is devastated by this news and Nels consoles her. Doc Baker says it should only be a temporary condition. Really?

The Ingalls girls watch this unfold, Mary looking stern and resolute while Laura looks like she is about to start panicking any moment. Harriet, mid-sob, tells Nels to go downstairs and shoot the horse. Nels tries to reason with his wife, but she says she'll shoot the horse if he won't. She then turns to Laura and says "I hope you're happy Laura Ingalls, now that you have made my little girl crippled." Everybody is a little offended by the statement, though I think it is almost fitting that Harriet get thrust into such a situation. With all of her fat-phobia, deaf-phobia, and classist bullshit she has spewed over the years, it's about time some real life hit her. Doc Baker tells Mrs. Oleson that no one is to blame and that she is jumping to conclusions. Before he can finish, Harriet interrupts to say, "Well, make her walk, Doctor." She then turns to her daughter and instructs her to walk. "I can't, mother," Nellie says, the way one would say "I'll mow the lawn this afternoooooon."

Harriet begins to sob and yell. "You get out of my house, Laura Ingalls. And don't you ever come back here again." She then tells Nels to "put that animal to sleep." I think she meant the horse, but Laura runs out of the room with Mary chasing after her. Laura runs all the way down to the stable and starts to cry just outside of Bunny's stall. Mary tells Laura it isn't her fault, but Laura believes that it is. Laura claims it isn't Bunny's fault because the horse didn't know any better. Laura mounts Bunny and Mary asks what she is doing. Laura says she needs to take the horse so the Olesons won't kill it. Mary shouts after her sister when she rides out of the stable.

At the homestead, Caroline looks a little stressed as Charles contemplates at the mantle. She starts to say something, but Charles snaps "I looked every place; we're just going to have to wait." Jeez, a little touchy there. There is the sound of a horse's whinny, which causes both Ma and Pa to go outside. Laura has returned with the horse. Caroline hugs her daughter as Laura explains that she wanted to hide Bunny but didn't know where to go. Charles says he'll put Bunny up in the barn and tells Laura to go inside. She asks her Pa not to let anyone hurt Bunny. Okay, show, I think we have the basic theme here, can we move along please?

Country Girls 5/5

Later that night, Charles rolls over in bed and notices that Caroline is not there. He wakes up and calls out for his wife. She peeks into the bedroom from the common room and apologizes for leaving the light on as she continued to work on her dress. He suggests that she should turn in, but Caroline wants to finish her project first. Charles goes back to sleep.

The next morning the family gathers for breakfast. Once Laura and Mary are downstairs and have greeted their Pa, Ma walks out of the kitchen holding two small dresses made of the blue fabric. The girls are pleasantly surprised. Ma tells the girls that her brown dress is just fine and that they should wear something nice if they are going to speak in front of a group of people. Mary says they wouldn't have minded wearing their calicoes, but Ma says she would have minded and tells her daughters to enjoy their new clothes. Laura hugs Ma before going upstairs with Mary to change. Charles tells Caroline "you're quite a woman." Aw. Then Carrie says "I'm a new freezer, daddy(?)". Sure, why not, I'm too lazy to figure out the closed captioning on my TV.

Wow, they really packed the people into the school for a bunch of elementary school speeches. Our first speaker is a six year old who likes horses. "I like riding horse more than I like...more than I like...I like riding horses." I don't think he wrote this. Either that or his handwriting is so bad that he can't decipher his own notes. I will give the adults credit for being very polite while listening to the monotone delivery that only a six year old can provide.

Next up, Nellie Oleson. Yeesh, lilac is not her color. Anyway, her speech is titled "My Home" and it reads like one of those televised real estate listings you see on Sunday mornings for condos that you would never want to live in and would not be able to afford if you did. Shortly after the speech begins, the boy sitting behind Laura raises his hand, but Miss Beadle gives him a stern look. As Nellie is prattling on about the various china collections, the class starts to giggle at the boy. Nellie pauses and narrows her eyes before continuing. The class continues to giggle as the boy continues to wave towards Miss Beadle. She eventually nods and the boy runs out of the room. Oh, he needed to use the outhouse. Harriet, who is dressed in her Mommie Dearest collection, is not amused. Nellie continues bragging about everything her family owns and we see just how bored the audience is. The only ones who aren't bored are Harriet, who is pleased with the oratory, and Nels, who looks rather uncomfortable. He continues to look at the floor shame-faced as Nellie finishes her speech and the room politely applauds.

Let's see if Laura can top that. Her essay is titled "My Mother". She begins by telling the crowd that Mary's essay is all about their Pa but that their Ma is a hard worker as well. Laura lists all the day-to-day activities that Caroline does and how important those tasks are. Laura then recalls an anecdote about a time when she took ill and Ma stayed by her side all night. Caroline appears to be getting a little verklempt. Laura also shares the story about the dresses and Ma is finally moved to tears. Aw. Also, it appears that Laura got over whatever anxiety she was experiencing the night before -- her delivery was almost professional. I call no waysies.

Once the speeches are over the town exits the school. Nels is behind Charles as and he tells Mr. Ingalls that "you are a lucky man." Charles thanks him before Harriet calls over to her husband. "Very lucky," Nels reiterates. Mary asks her parents what they thought of her essay and they both compliment her work. Ma notices Laura has wandered off and goes to join her daughter. She thanks Laura for her kind words, but then decides to bust her. That's gratitude. Laura tells her Ma that what she said on stage is what she would have written if she knew how. "But it wasn't really an essay, was it?" asks Caroline. Isn't that a little harsh? I mean the only speech that even came close to being an essay was Nellie's, her thesis being "my house shits on your house". I think we can lower the bar a smidge, Ma. Laura agrees with her mother who looks at what Laura really wrote. Laura asks her Ma what Miss Beadle will do when she turns in the assignment. Ma goes into the school with Laura to find out.

Miss Beadle turns from cleaning the blackboard and greets Mrs. Ingalls. She congratulates her and her daughters for the wonderful presentations. Laura sheepishly hands over her paper. Miss Beadle looks at it and so do we:

Ma is good
She works hard
she cooks
she sews

I think Miss Beadle somewhat expected this, since "I reckon" probably hasn't shown up on any of Laura's spelling lists so far. She mentions that Laura's spelling has improved but that her handwriting could use some work. Miss Beadle is optimistic that Laura will be all aces by the end of the term. Everyone is smiling. Yay teachers! Yay moms!

As the family walks home, Laura voices over that Ma took both Mary and Laura's essays and added them to the collection of items from the wooden trunk. Aw.

Country Girls 4/5

Ring Around the Rosie again? It’s just five girls playing this time as Laura watches from outside the circle. After a round, one girl invites Laura into the circle but she asks why they always have to play the same game. Nellie answers “because I say so” before starting round seventy eight. As the girls skip in their circle, Laura starts shouting something above the monotones of RAtR. Is she reciting bawdy limericks? Something about a sick guy named Uncle John? Did Laura make a veiled drug reference? Nellie stops her game and tells Laura to stop before pushing her to the ground. Laura’s response: “Apple, a dumpling. What shall we send it in?” That was unexpected. Nellie pushes Laura back to the ground. Laura stands up to Nellie, both figuratively and literally, saying that she wants to play a different game: Uncle John. Ohhhh. It’s like RAtR but with a dash of Diplomacy. Nellie pushes Laura to the ground a third time. I’m guessing she’s played Diplomacy before. Laura cries out “Uncle John” before she lunges and knocks Nellie over. “You wanna fight; I’ll fight. You wanna play; we’re playing Uncle John!”

Slam cut to the homestead with both Caroline and Charles giving Laura stern looks. Laura admits that she “did on to Nellie, but not what you had in mind.” She apologizes for disobeying her parents, but she had reached her breaking point. Pa commends Laura for reporting the incident herself instead of letting someone else tell them about it. He asks Laura what should be done about the situation and she suggests whatever he thinks is best. She also reminds Pa that Nellie did start the commotion. Caroline looks at Charles and he takes a moment before rationalizing that Laura was justified in her actions. He asks his daughter to promise not to do it again and when she agrees he sends her off to bed. Caroline is not exactly thrilled with this resolution and Charles reads that on her face. He turns back to Laura and reiterates that she made a promise. Laura assures him that there won’t be any more problems since Nellie is scared of her now. Ma is even less pleased with this new information. “Charles,” she says, “you’re much too easy on her. She isn’t the least bit sorry for what she did.” Charles reminds her that Nellie did start the fight, which she counters with the “turn the other cheek” argument. Charles is all like “whatever” and starts to play the fiddle. Caroline rolls her eyes but starts to laugh.

The next day we see Caroline taking a basket of eggs to the Mercantile. Nels greets her as he carries some bolts of fabric through the showroom. Harriet pops up from behind the counter like some Jack-in-the-box-of-the-damned and asks if Caroline is there to apologize for yesterday’s schoolyard fight. Caroline is only there to sell her eggs and Mrs. Oleson says “I should have expected as much.” She then proceeds to give Caroline a lecture about how to raise her kids, particularly ones that start fights. Caroline waits for Harriet to finish before mentioning that it was actually Nellie who started the fight. Before she can finish Mrs. Oleson interrupts her with a reminder that brown eggs are still four cents less per dozen. She removes the cloth on top of Caroline’s basket and is shocked to find that Mrs. Ingalls only brought white eggs to sell. Turns out Charles sold the brown eggs at the mill for a much better price. “That’s gratitude,” a wounded Harriet says. Whatever, lady. “No, that’s good business,” corrects Caroline. Mrs. Oleson is not amused and suggests that maybe they will buy her white eggs. Caroline agrees and starts to leave the store. Realizing she is about to lose business, Harriet stops Caroline saying she is “too busy to quibble over pennies.” Harriet decides to buy the brown eggs at the same price as the white eggs. Nels is watching this unfold and seems to enjoy seeing his wife get put in her place.

As Harriet takes the basket back to the counter, Caroline takes a closer look at a bolt of robin-egg blue fabric. Harriet wanders back over and gives her another fabric that looks like muslin or burlap that she feels is more appropriate for Caroline’s needs. The part about Harriet that I never understood, and it is consistent throughout the series, is how she always tries to talk people out of buying nicer, presumably more expensive items. If I had to make a determination, it would be that her miserliness is trumped only by her vanity that only she and her family may have nice things. It’s a bizarre way to run a business in my opinion. Caroline semi-politely refuses Harriet’s offer, but is reminded that “country folk have to think more on the practical.” Caroline tells Nels that she will take some of the blue fabric. Or maybe not, since Harriet grabs the bolt from her husband’s hands and tells Caroline it would be a mistake. Amazingly Mrs. Ingalls is able to maintain her cool as she reminds Mrs. Oleson that “it is customary to let the buyer do the choosing.” Harriet’s jaw drops as she looks to her husband for backup. He doesn’t provide it as he also seems mortified that someone actually stood up to his wife’s bullying. Harriet excuses herself and Caroline places her order. Nels does reiterate that it will cost a bit but the color will look “right smart on you, Mrs. Ingalls.”

Back at the homestead Caroline shows her purchase to her family. Laura reaches out to touch the fabric and Mary smacks her hand away. Caroline is experiencing a bit of buyer’s remorse, citing that the encounter with Harriet is probably what drove her to make such an impulsive purchase. Hmm, maybe it is part of Harriet’s strategy: play on an individual’s insecurities and defenses to get the upsell. Still: bizarre. Mary and Laura say they are glad their Ma bought the fabric. Charles pipes in that he is glad, too. Caroline is a little surprised by his revelation, but she still wants to try to take the fabric back for a refund. Charles asks her “why do you think the good Lord went to all that trouble of making you so pretty if he didn’t want you to have a new blue dress?” Aw. The daughters also provide endorsements of Ma’s good looks getting accentuated by a new dress. Caroline is a little overwhelmed with all the praise and enters into Group Hug Mode.

The next day we see Laura and Mary bounding home from school. They are really excited about something. Ma is in the henhouse, Pa is in the barn --- ooh, I almost have a folk song. Anyway, the girls are excited because the school is going to have a visitors day, which is pretty much a school open house. Mary is particularly excited about the essay assignment that goes along with the event. She would be. Laura suggests that Ma wear her new yet-to-be-made dress for the occasion. Pa tells the girls to get started on their essays and they run towards the house.

That evening Mary and Laura are hard at work on their assignment. Laura voices over that Ma and the girls were working very hard on their respective projects and that everyone was just about finished before the deadline. Was that voiceover really necessary? Mary says she is finished with her essay about Pa building the house on the prairie, encounters with wolves and Indians, and moving from that house to Plum Creek when, I presume, the wolves and Indians were becoming too much of a nuisance. Pa says that sounds interesting, then asks Laura what she wrote about. Laura stammers a bit before saying “it’s a surprise.” That’s code for “academic incomplete” if I’m not mistaken. Pa is not up on the secret language of academia, saying that the surprise will be reveled early tomorrow and that the girls should go to bed. He gives them kisses as he carries an unconscious Carrie to her bedroom. Mary goes up to the loft while Laura continues to stare at her paper. Ma checks on her daughter and asks what the problem is. “It’s not an essay,” she responds, “not like Mary’s.” Caroline says that it shouldn’t be like Mary’s since she is older and knows more words. Laura says she knows a lot of words also; she just can’t get them on paper. Caroline tells her that’s okay, but Laura is not consoled by that. She asks her Ma if she can keep a secret. When Ma agrees, Laura confides that she is scared about getting up in front of everyone to share her essay in the morning. She is worried that people are going to laugh at her. Caroline assures her daughter that people will not laugh. There’s only one way to find out.