The Music Box 5/5

Laura finds Anna crying in a field. Her tears are either made of Vaseline or her nose is running up her face. Laura apologizes saying that she didn’t know that Nellie was going to be a horrible person. “I trusted you,” Anna says. At this point the stutter is indistinguishable from the sort of staggered speech someone Anna’s age would have when sobbing uncontrollably. Anna says she just wanted to be a part of the club because Laura was in it. Laura tells her she isn’t in the club anymore. Laura promises to spend her time after school helping Anna with her stutter and exacting revenge on one Nellie Oleson. Anna smiles and hugs Laura. The girls run home while singing “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.”

That evening, back at the house, Mary and Caroline battle a ball of yarn while Charles worries about Laura’s whereabouts. We hear thunder as Laura walks in totally soaked. Wow, who knew that song worked? Caroline guides Laura to the fire and asks Mary to get some dry clothes for her sister. As Pa wrings out Laura’s pigtails, Laura decides to confess to stealing the music box. Ma and Pa are disappointed, but Laura recaps the entire story. Oy! That’s my job! Laura finishes by saying that she tried to figure a way out and couldn’t. Pa lectures that Laura couldn’t find a way out because she avoided the easiest way: telling the truth. Laura says she’s ready to face her punishment, but Pa says he’ll leave that up to Mr. Oleson. Laura apologizes to Mary and they hug.

The next morning, Laura hands the music box to Mr. Oleson and apologizes. “I know I was wrong,” she says. “Not as wrong as somebody else,” Nels says before yelling for his daughter to come downstairs. Charles tells Nels that he should be the one to decide Laura’s punishment. Nels says he can’t condone stealing, but Laura may have been punished enough. Did she tell him about the dreams? Because really, that’s the only actual negative consequence she has experienced.

Nellie comes down the stairs and almost runs into the music box that Nels is holding up to her face. Nellie pretends to yell at Laura for being a thief, but no one is buying it. Nellie tries to continue to school, but Nels tells her to go to her room. Looks like option A again. Whoops, nope, Nels grabs the strap as he goes upstairs.

As Laura and Anna run down the Mercantile steps, Willie commands Laura to carry his water buckets for him. Laura refuses, but Willie starts doing his “dum dum” impression again. No, the music box one. Laura and Anna look at each other and smile. Laura agrees and they both grab buckets. They both dump the water over Willie’s head. The two girls head to school arm in arm.

So I guess the lesson here is if you are going to steal, make sure you have a tenuous friendship with someone who has a speech impediment, that way you can live your life without consequences.

The Music Box 3/5

Laura, Anna and Mary are carrying their books as they walk past the Mercantile on their way to school. “Laura Ingalls!” Nellie races down the front steps as Laura stops in her tracks. Nellie sneers that she wants to talk to Laura then offers her a gumdrop. Willie observes the bi-polar action from the porch. Laura accepts the gumdrop while Nellie invites Laura to eat lunch with the club. Laura says she is still mulling over her membership. Anna volunteers that she will be in the club, but Nellie says Anna can’t be a member until she learns how to talk. Laura doesn’t take too kindly to this, so she returns the gumdrops and tells Nellie she won’t be joining. Laura and Anna walk away arm in arm. Nellie screams after them. “A chicken can squawk, a butterfly can flutter, but Anna can’t talk, all she can do is st-st-stutter.”

Nels is out on the porch at this point and yells at his daughter while Willie giggles. Nels tells her to get in the house and get the strap ready. Yikes. Nels looks at Willie who says he didn’t do anything. Nels pulls Willie into the shop anyway. The kids run to Harriet and hide behind her. She doesn’t know what is going on (as usual), but begs her husband to give the kids another chance. Nels brandishes the strap saying that Nellie doesn’t deserve another chance. Nellie apologizes and even vouches for her brother that he didn’t do anything. Nels tells Nellie that she will be grounded from school for the day and will go to Anna’s house that afternoon to apologize. Harriet is horrified, insisting that her daughter will be humiliated. Nels says that’s the point. He gives Nellie the choice between the strap and a half-assed apology. Nellie says she doesn’t know where Anna lives, but her father says to ask Laura. Nellie doesn’t like that idea, but Nels brandishes the strap again and tells Nellie to choose. To recap, the choices are A) Stay home from school for the day and then walk over to Anna’s house to “apologize”, or B) A whuppin’. Nellie chooses A. Nellie goes upstairs and Nels tells Willie to clean his room. Today is a school day, right?

That afternoon, Laura is in the barn trying to fix the music box. It isn’t going very well. Outside, Nellie approaches the homestead and Jack goes into Cujo mode. Good for him. The sound isn’t great, as they play barking sound effects when Jack’s mouth does not show any sort of barking or growling, just drooling. Nellie rushes into the barn to hide from the dog. Laura is caught off-guard (she didn’t hear the dog?) and Nellie realizes that it is her music box that Laura is tinkering with. Laura tries to lie that it is her own box but Nellie calls BS on that instantly. Laura insists that it’s hers, so Nellie suggests asking Laura’s parents. Laura, realizing that she’s caught, confesses. Nellie says she is going to tell, but Laura says she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie verifies this incredibly stupid statement, but Laura insists that she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie tells Laura that she is going to be in the club and warns Laura that if she steps out of line, Nellie will tell and possibly try to have Laura put in jail. Laura promises to follow Nellie’s orders.

At this point Pa walks in. He asks what’s up and Laura says they were just listening to Nellie’s music box. “Oh it’s your music box now, Laura,” Nellie says. Pa is pleased with this news, especially since it appears that the two buried the hatchet -- and not in anyone’s skull. Nellie leaves but as she exits she asks Mr. Ingalls if Laura can go to her house after school tomorrow. Charles is okay with this. Nellie asks Laura how to get to Anna’s before she leaves. Once she is gone, Pa says he is really happy to see this new development. Laura catatonically agrees.

Nellie’s arrival at Anna’s house is inexplicably framed through the arms of a chair on her porch. Inside, we see that the props office used the “LHOTP – Generic” item list, which includes a shawl, butter churn, rocking chair, and a woodpile. Anna’s mom answers Nellie’s knocking by opening the door, but answers Nellie’s questions in Swedish. I wonder what obnoxious schoolyard rhyme Nellie has for that linguistic trait? Anna comes out of her room and asks Nellie what she wants. Nellie apologizes, but Anna doesn’t quite believe it. Anna’s mother asks, through Anna, if Nellie would like to stay for dinner, but Nellie politely refuses. Anna gets the door for Nellie and walks her outside. Nellie apologizes again, but the insincerity starts to drip when she tells Anna that she is talking much better. Anna doesn’t have an insincerity detector, so she is thrilled by this development.

That evening at the homestead, Laura puts down her dictionary and asks her Pa what it’s like to be in jail. Did Charles do hard time? That would be amazing. Aww, he says he has never been. Charles asks why Laura wants to know and she says it’s for homework. Did Miss Beadle ask the kids to write prison letters? Charles said he met a couple of guys who went to jail during the War, but he isn’t inclined to repeat their stories. Laura asks what sort of crimes lead to jail time – cheating, hurting somebody, and stealing are what Charles list. Laura speculates that stealing only applies to big things like horses, but Charles says you can hang for a crime like that. “No, they put you in jail for stealing just about anything,” Pa continues. This does not ease Laura’s nerves.

The Nerd March plays as we enter another one of Laura’s dreams. A fire burns in the center of a medieval prison. One prisoner is stretched on a rack while several others sleep on the stone floor. Someone is laughing as Harriet enters wearing a hood and carrying a giant bucket. Laura is looking even more bedraggled than in her previous dream. Harriet reaches into the bucket and pulls out a wad of breadcrumbs that she chucks to the ground. All of the prisoners scramble to the food except for a Leif Garrett impersonator chained to the wall. As Harriet feeds the birds, Nellie walks in wearing a hood and eating from a chicken bone. She laughs as Laura notices the meat. Laura crawls towards the Oleson jailors who continue to laugh at the girl. Once Laura reaches Nellie and begs for food, Nellie bludgeons the girl with the chicken. Nellie leaves and slams the door.

Laura starts to bang on the door and we fade out of the dream. Back in reality, Laura is banging on the wall screaming, “I’m hungry.” Mary wakes up her sister and tells her to knock it off. Charles yells up to the loft to find out what’s going on. Laura and Mary say nothing, but Charles yells up again demanding an answer. Mary says flatly, “Laura rolled over and fell out of bed.” Mary Ingalls sucks at plausibility. Charles asks if she is all right and Laura responds just as flatly that she is okay. Pa tells them to go to sleep.

The next morning outside school, Nellie explains to the club that she will decide who is "it" and, as president, she will never be "it". That’s not much of a game, whatever it is you’re playing, honey. Nellie calls over to Laura and Mary, who have just arrived, that they are going to play Hide N Seek. Mary declines, which Nellie is okay with. Nellie then commands Laura to join her. Nellie has decided that Laura will be “it”. Mary and Anna are shocked by this. Laura apologizes to Anna and promises to play with her after school and dejectedly walks towards Nellie and the girls. Anna is deeply disappointed by the development.

The Camp-Out 5/5

Charles and Nels are still searching for their daughters. After a few barks from Jack, we rejoin the girls on their White Water Adventure. Nellie manages to put aside her sense of survival to whine and pout some more. She’s like a more annoying version of Willie from Temple of Doom.

Charles calls out for Laura while Nels skips a stone on the river. Jack starts to freak out and bark at the bushes where Nellie fell in. I think there’s a dog that could benefit from some Lassie training. Charles spots Laura’s leaf bag and both men start to get a bit more concerned. Charles speculates that the girls are probably farther downstream, but that causes Nels to suppose that they might have fallen into the river. Charles tells Nels not to “chase shadows”, which I think is a little unfair.

The girls enter another set of rapids and manage to avoid slamming into rocks again. I call no waysies. We then see a series of waterfalls that the girls are sort of approaching. Of course, they end up taking a fork in the river, so they were never in any (additional) danger. Laura manages to steer the bush towards a tree branch that just happens to be in a shallow part of the river. She forces Nellie to accept the branch as a means of escape from the river, but not after a bout of extreme whining. Shut up, Nellie. Lemmings have a stronger sense of self-preservation than this girl.

As the girls reach the shore, the bush floats over towards the waterfalls and gets swallowed up by the white water. Let’s just pretend they were in danger, shall we? Ooooo! Ahhhh! Ahem. After a short breather, Nellie starts blaming Laura for bumping her into the water, attempting to drown her, and then causing her to cry because she can’t swim. It is at this point that I first notice that Nellie has a rather nasty snaggletooth. Laura tells Nellie to stop bawling, but to no avail. Nellie complains about freezing, but Laura suggests that walking back will probably warm her up. Actually, I don’t think that’s the recommended treatment for hypothermia.

Caroline surveys the river as Harriet walks over. They acknowledge that several hours have passed. Harriet takes responsibility for the whole situation, saying that it was her idea to have Nels finagle an invitation for the Olesons. Caroline says she kinda figured that out already, much to Harriet’s surprise. Harriet still thinks that if she were a better person, this situation would never have presented itself. Caroline’s response: “It takes two to argue.” Love ya, Caroline! Harriet promises to Caroline that if/when the girls come back, she will strive to be a better person. So if the girls don’t come back, you’ll strive to be more like this?

Mary is on calamine duty with Willie. After she applies some goop to his elbow, Willie tells Mary that she doesn’t seem as mean as Nellie says she is. He even goes so far as to call Mary nice. As Mary starts to confess about the poison ivy debacle, Charles bellows that he has found the girls. Everyone runs over to hug the girls. Laura says they rode the rapids, followed by Nellie blaming the Ingalls girl for pushing her off the riverbank. Laura is outraged, but then Nellie accuses her of pushing her head underwater. Mrs. Oleson returns to her regular Orange Threat Level self and chastises Laura. She then tells Willie to share all his leaves with Nellie since she lost all of hers in the river. Even the special leaves. Mary and Laura smile at this.

Back in Walnut Grove, Miss Beadle is ready to announce whose collections won out. She says they came from two students. Mary and Laura perk up, but it is Willie and Nellie who won. Miss Beadle leads the class in a round of tepid applause. The kids turn around and…hey! They stole my Halloween costume! Miss Beadle starts itching her neck. Laura and Mary look at each other but don’t say anything. Are they the only two people in Walnut Grove who can recognize poison ivy? Wah wah.

Bunny 5/5

That night Charles is in the barn working on a project of some sort. There’s not much light in this scene but it looks like it might be a wheelchair. Laura comes in dressed in her pajamas. Pa asks her what she is up to and Laura says she wanted to say good night. After they hug, Laura inspects the Pa's project. He confirms that it is a wheelchair that he is fixing up. I hope he does something about the seat back because it is worn through to the point that it is framing Laura in the shot. We can see through the busted wicker that Laura is a little freaked out by the wheelchair concept. “But she doesn’t need a wheelchair,” she claims. Pa pauses before responding, “Half-pint, we don’t know that.” Laura calls no waysies based on the fact that she prays to God every night that Nellie will get better. Pa tries to begin rebutting this point (I would start with “even God has limitations when it comes to Nellie Oleson”) but Laura flat out denies her father. “God’ll fix everything,” Laura says as she inches toward the door with a tear rolling down her face. “You wait and see.” The Melodramatic Piano of the Dentist Office Waiting Room music begins to play as Pa calls out for his daughter.

The next morning Charles ties the chair to Doc Baker’s wagon. They chit chat a bit before Caroline comes outside to greet the Doc. She invites him to the picnic that the Ingalls family will be hosting that afternoon, but he has to decline the invitation. “Folks around here seem dead-set on getting sick whenever the fish are biting,” he quips before taking off.

Charles walks over to his wife and asks if Laura has changed her mind about going to the picnic. Caroline says she hasn’t, so Charles offers to ask one more time. Inside the house Laura is working on an assignment. Pa enters and tells his daughter that the family is leaving. She tells him to have a good time and continues to work. Pa starts to say something, but Laura interrupts him again to say that she doesn’t feel like fishing anyway. Pa makes a frowny face then leaves.

Over at the Oleson house, the wheelchair is set up in the parlor and Doc Baker is carrying Nellie down the stairs. That girl has huge feet. Her nightgown is robin’s egg blue – a color that does not do her any favors. Doc Baker sets the girl down in the chair and she is instantly enthralled with the new digs. Harriet is being a, well, nervous Nellie, and I’m not sure if it is because of the second-hand nature of the chair or because her daughter is supposedly an invalid. Doc Baker tells Nellie how to work the chair and also reports that her arm splint will be able to come off in a couple of days. Nellie does a couple of donuts in the parlor (we see that some sort of patch was put on the wicker) while Harriet continues to fidget. Nellie seems pretty satisfied with her new toy and asks when her father will be back. Harriet reports that he should be back this afternoon when he and Willie return from Springfield with the new doll house. Doc Baker calls his patient a lucky girl and then heads out the door.

Harriet thanks Doc Baker for his service and says she will have to ride out to the Ingalls’ place to thank Charles in person. Once the door is closed, Nellie suggests to her mother that she ride out now. Harriet says she can’t leave Nellie alone, but the girl says she can take care of herself. She goes on to say that she can watch the store and that the customers can take down any items that are out of reach. Harriet is still reluctant until Nellie whines “Pleeeeease?” Harriet calls her daughter “brave”. You know who dislikes that sort of terminology? Disabled people. She then decides to head out. As soon as the front door is closed, Nellie hops up from her seat, runs to close the door to the Mercantile, jumps, and does a jig. Seriously?

We join Harriet as she rides up to the Ingalls homestead. Laura is in the stable and has Bunny all saddled up. She’s telling the horse that they’ll go for a ride so that they both won’t be cooped up all day. Harriet walks by the barn and stops once she sees the animal inside. “Where did you get that horse?” she demands. Laura acknowledges that she has been hiding the horse and Harriet jumps to the conclusion that that is why Laura has been so nice to Nellie. I guess since guilt is a concept unfamiliar to Harriet, this would be the next logical conclusion to reach. Laura denies Harriet’s reconstruction of the scenario but it is irrelevant since Harriet says she will take the horse with her. Laura screams “No!” and hops on the horse. Her stunt double rides the horse as fast as possible into town.

The stunt double arrives at the Oleson’s place. Laura dismounts and peeks through the window. Well, well, it looks like Nellie asked her doll to the Sadie Hawkins dance and they are getting their waltz on in the parlor. The filming switches to voyeur-cam as Laura sees the action between the curtains. Laura backs away from the window when she realizes that she has been scammed. She knocks on the door, causing Nellie to slam the music box shut and hop into her chair. However, Nellie’s nightgown gets caught under her right foot causing the fabric to tent. Aside from the almost instant continuity error, wouldn't Nellie realize that there is no way for that to happen and therefore fix it before telling whoever is knocking to “come in”? Check-minus, show -- do a second take next time.

Anyway, Laura opens the door and asks Nellie what she is doing. Nellie says she is watching the store for mother. Laura says she just saw Nellie’s mother and that she was asked to take Nellie outside for some fresh air. Laura is all catatonic as she is delivering her lines, which Nellie doesn’t seem to notice. Laura pushes the girl out the door. Hmm, another error: how did Laura get Nellie down from the porch when there’s no ramp? Laura is jogging behind Nellie and tells her she needs to pick up speed to get up the hill. Nellie is getting rather nervous at this point. They reach the top of the hill near the mill and Laura claims she has to take a breather. Nellie is all "whatever" at this point, mainly because she is somewhat powerless to extract herself from this situation. Laura starts to ramble about how her life has changed after the accident, causing Nellie to ask if she is alright. Laura wonders why she would ask that. “You just seem to be acting funny,” Nellie replies. No, more like acting poorly.

Just then, Mrs. Oleson rides into town and Laura notices the wagon. She stands up and calls for Mrs. Oleson’s attention. Harriet stops, looks up and yells “Laura Ingalls, what have you done with that filthy animal?” Laura runs behind the chair saying, “Nellie, your mother wants you!” She then pushes Nellie’s chair down the hill. Nellie starts to scream, most likely because she is in a situation where she could ACTUALLY BE KILLED. WTF, Half-pint? “You’re such a good friend, Nellie!” Laura says smiling. Nellie and her stunt dummy make it all the way to the bottom of the hill but the chair hits a rock causing Nellie to flip over and land in some water. Harriet is shocked that her daughter is soaking wet but rather subdued for someone who might have just seen her daughter being murdered. Nellie stands up and whines and sobs about being soaked. Harriet sees this as a miracle and swoons backwards out of her wagon. Jeezy creezy, this is so cliché and stupid.

Back at the Oleson house, Laura is pacing outside as Bunny stands off to the side. Nels comes outside and Laura asks if Nellie will be alright. He says yes and says he doesn’t blame Laura for wanting to scare his daughter. He acknowledges that Nellie may be more in the wrong here than Laura. I have to disagree. Laura was stubborn and a doormat in dealing with the Nellie situation but her reaction was a little bit over the top and not quite justified. Whatever, if Nels is okay calling it zero sum, that’s his business. He then surprises Laura by giving her the horse. “An animal is no different than a person,” he says, “it needs to be with someone who loves it.” Sure, why not? Laura’s stunt double rides down the street a bit before running into Jason. Laura asks if he would like to join her and Pa on their next fishing trip. He agrees and they head out.

Nellie watches this scene unfold from her bedroom window and she is not happy. “I HATE YOU LAURA!” she screams (and repeats) as she begins to trash her room. She throws her doll against the wall then gets in a pillow fight with a vase of flowers on her desk. After throwing some books, she grabs a hairbrush and sets her sights on the new doll house. As she gets all smashy smashy on the roof, Willie barges in and tells her to stop. “Don’t break that stuff, give it to me,” he says. Nellie keeps swinging as she calmly says “it’s girl stuff.” Willie says he could sell it, but his sister turns around and she has this look in her eyes that seems to suggest that he will be the next smashy smashy target if he doesn’t leave the room. After Willie runs out, Nellie grabs a horse figurine and says, “I’ll fix you, Laura Ingalls. I’ll fix you.” She throws the horse at a framed needlepoint picture of Harriet. Girlfriend should go to Charm School.

Barn Burner 2/5

Jonathan is at the Ingalls’ house sharing with Charles what happened with Larabee. Charles tries to assure Jonathan that things will turn out for the best, but Alice is there and disagrees. With the co-op broken, it’s every farmer for himself.

Meanwhile, Larabee is still steamed about what happened and is pacing furiously across the parlor. He mutters, partly to himself and partly to his wife, that he can’t believe someone would barge in and shame him in front of his family. Maybe if you didn’t do something shameful it wouldn’t be an issue, eh Larabee? He pours himself a drink that he quickly chugs down. Mrs. Larabee notices this and reluctantly attempts diplomacy. “You can’t hardly blame him for being upset,” she says. Larabee accuses her of taking Garvey’s side, which she quickly denies. Larabee decides to settle the score and grabs his shotgun. Oh geez, this is bad news. Mrs. Larabee tries to block the door but he just pushes her out of the way.

Andy Garvey is working on his homework when Larabee barges in. “I’m here to see your pa, boy,” Larabee tells a frightened Andy. The kid says he isn’t home but Larabee calls him a liar and starts to search the place. Andy tries to stop the man, but Larabee knocks him to the ground. We can hear what sounds like a tree branch snapping. Did Larabee just kill Andy? Not cool. Larabee looks down at the kid, says “boy” and gets no response. He rolls Andy over and there is blood streaming down the side of his face. Oh poopies. Larabee high tails it out of there. A few moments later, Andy regains consciousness and stands himself up. He grabs the lantern from the table and goes outside. He can feel the blood on his face as he heads over to the corral to get a horse. He places the lantern on the fencepost as he opens the gate.

Andy gets the bridle on the horse and rides over to the Ingalls place. He runs into his folks on the way there and tells them what happened. Jonathan lifts Andy on the wagon and mounts Andy’s horse. He tells Alice to go home as he goes to take care of Larabee. Alice tells him not to go since Larabee has a shotgun and a thirst for blood. Jonathan says he doesn’t care, but Alice says she does. Jonathan thinks about it for a moment and decides to ride back with his family.

Upon their return, the Garveys see their barn in flames. Everyone is shocked and Andy supposes that Mr. Larabee must have come back. Jonathan tells Alice to take care of Andy and she knows he’s departing again. “Don’t worry,” he tells her, “I’m just going to town.” If you’re being figurative, Jonathan, I think that’s what your wife is worried about.

“NOOOOO!” we hear Harriet scream at her husband. “THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU,” she screeches as Nels walks down the stairs. I guess Jonathan has rounded up a posse of the other co-opers. Nels grabs his shotgun as Harriet tries to keep her husband from joining the angry mob. He tells Harriet to go to bed as the posse moves out.

We rejoin the posse as they surround Larabee’s. Charles bangs on the front door as Larabee loads his shotgun in the parlor. Mrs. Larabee comes out of her room to find out what’s going on but her husband says he has a handle on this. He yells out for the posse to clear off his property. Charles tells Larabee that resistance is futile, but the man disagrees. Larabee’s sons come out to see the hubbub and they still have the same stupid looks on their faces. Garvey yells something into the house and Larabee responds “It’s your own fault that your boy got hurt.” Yeah, I guess Jonathan was the one who decided to place the bureau at the location where Andy’s head got cracked.

Larabee yells out a few more threats before Nels, sticking his shotgun through the back window, tells Larabee to put his gun down. He tells Larabee to unlock the door, allowing Garvey to barge in and grab Larabee around the collar. The rest of the posse breaks up the developing melee and tells Jonathan a judge should take care of this matter. Until then, Larabee will be locked in the icehouse. Nels apologizes to the other Larabees as the posse escorts Mr. Larabee out the door.

My Ellen 5/5

The next day Mrs. Taylor has decided to do some shopping at the Mercantile. Harriet starts to offer her condolences, but Mama Taylor cuts her off with cheerfulness. She asks for some candles and Harriet goes to retrieve them. As she grabs some table candles, Heloise corrects her and asks for twelve birthday candles. Harriet looks confused at first but eventually fulfills the request. Heloise then notices a doll on the counter and remarks on its beauty and that it must be expensive. Harriet agrees and tells her that it’s $4. Heloise decides to buy it, remarking that “they’re only little girls for such a short time, it can’t hurt to spoil them some.” Harriet just stands there absorbing everything like some gobsmacked sponge until Heloise asks for the total. Harriet completes the transaction with a concerned look on her face.

The search party has reassembled back at the Busby ranch. As they walk around Mr. Garvey hears a rustling sound. Cal thinks it must be birds, but Garvey suspects it is something else. He looks over at a tree, calls out for Busby, and the guy who was reading the book jumps out of the tree. Busby starts to run and most of the posse chase after him. Cal decides to run along the ridge going around the other side of the house and draws a bead on Busby. He fires and Busby is down. When the posse catches up to the man, they notice that the wound looks pretty bad and take him to Doc Baker.

At the Doc’s office, Busby is patched up but not really in any condition to talk. However, it appears that he was of diminished capacity before getting shot in the head, so there’s no telling how lucid he’s going to be now. Charles asks the man where Laura is, but Busby is virtually non-responsive. Charles tells him “nobody is going to hurt you” so long as he tells him where Laura is. Busby doesn’t answer, probably because he is using all of his strength to not die, and Charles grabs him and starts to shake him. Garvey stops him before he hurts Busby and then shows Mr. Ingalls how to play Good Cop/Bad Cop. He calmly and quietly asks Busby where he found the book and flowers. Busby mumbles something that after viewing five times with headphones on I still can’t make out. I think the gist is “I dunno.” Garvey tries to goad the answer from Busby by promising that no one is going to hurt him. Seeing as it has only been thirty seconds since Charles made the same promise and instantly reneged, I don’t see that as an effective tactic. Busby glances over at Charles and says “That’s...not...true.” Ha! “I just wanted...to look...at...the pictures.” He starts to sob a little, most likely overwhelmed by the situation and then loses consciousness. Doc Baker declares him too weak from blood loss.

Charles stands in place for a moment, contemplating his next move. Cal, meanwhile, looks at the ground, probably thinking that he should have just stayed home and did some laundry or something. “If he dies I’ll never find my daughter,” Charles says quietly to Cal. When Cal doesn’t offer a response, Charles grabs him by the shirt collar and looks ready to pummel him. Garvey stops the physical part of the altercation, but Charles asks Cal why he shot Busby. Cal just says “I’m sorry.”

At this moment Harriet barges in looking for Mr. Taylor. Doc Baker yells out “Not now, Mrs. Oleson,” probably because there’s enough dramarama happening in his office without her getting involved. Harriet apologizes for the intrusion, but goes on to describe the bizarre transaction that just took place with Heloise. “She was so strange,” she says, “she said that Ellen brought her some flowers yesterday.” This catches everyone’s attention.

Down in the root cellar, Mama Taylor is lighting the candles on a tasty looking cake. Wait; there are only ten candles, maybe eleven, on that cake. There certainly aren’t twelve. After she lights the last candle, Mama Taylor tells Laura Ellen to make a wish before she blows out the candles. Laura thinks for a moment and then suggests that if they both close their eyes they will both get a wish. Heloise politely refuses, saying that it’s Laura Ellen’s birthday, but Laura replies, “I want you to have a wish too...mama.” I think Laura could have an excellent career in psychology, if only modern psychology wasn’t twenty-five years away from being established. Heloise thinks about this, has another Ellen hallucination and decides to make a wish. Once Mama Taylor closes her eyes to think of her wish, Laura makes a run for it. Run, Laura, run!

Once outside, Laura makes a dash for the hilly wooden area but keeps losing her footing. Mama Taylor eventually catches up with her in a spot marked by a little wooden cross. Oh, jeez, they’re at Ellen’s grave. Really, show? Laura’s had enough of Mama Taylor’s dementia and keeps saying she’s Laura. Heloise is still immersed in the denial phase and keeps screaming “No!” After two or three rounds of this, Laura screams out “Ellen’s dead!” This catches Mama Taylor’s attention. Laura points out that they are at Ellen’s grave and it finally sinks in for Heloise. She realizes what mistakes she has made and hugs Laura. Laura reminds her that God can help her if she just gives him a chance. Here are a few hints for Heloise: don’t throw Bibles at people of the cloth and don’t try to assimilate other people’s children. That’ll probably move you through God’s queue a little faster.

As Mama Taylor contemplates the universe a bit at the grave, we can hear a wagon driving by. Laura looks over and notices that it is the search party, including her Pa. She runs over to the wagon and rejoins her father. She says she is fine and that Mrs. Taylor is okay and by the grave. Cal walks over to join his wife in the final phase: acceptance.

Later on we see Laura cutting through the Busby fence with a big smile on her face. She runs over to the shack to check in with Mr. Busby. She hands him the book for him to keep. I guess he was the Boo Radley of Walnut Grove. Or maybe Lenny without the rabbits. Either way, Laura says she wants to be his friend and he seems to appreciate it. Aww.

My Ellen 4/5

Mary is running from the school over to the mill. Pa asks why she isn’t at school and Mary says Miss Beadle let her go to try to find where Laura might be. She recaps her last encounter with Laura and that she was last seen cutting across the Busby place. Pa and Mr. Garvey share a worried glance. Aside from a couple of peeping Tom kids, what’s the big deal with the Busby place, anyway? Pa says Laura knows better than that and Mr. Garvey suggests that maybe Laura is still visiting with Mrs. Taylor. Pa sends Mary back to school and he and Jonathan go to the Taylor homestead to check things out.

Mama Taylor peeks through the window and sees Garvey’s wagon approaching. Surprisingly, this scene is filmed like an episode of Cops. Charles calls from the wagon asking if Laura has stopped by to visit. Heloise lies and says Laura hasn’t been there. Charles accepts this and decides to move on to the Busby place. Oh good, maybe now we’ll see what the problem is there.

We see Ellen’s slate and the flowers on the ground and a guy squatting nearby reading The House That Jack Built. The guy looks to be in his thirties, but given how riveted he is by the book he may not necessarily be functioning as a thirty-something. He sees the wagon approaching and decides to run and hide. Charles and Mr. Garvey hop off the wagon and run up to the nearby shack, barging in the front door calling out for Busby. Charles frantically says he is going to check out the creek while Jonathan calmly says he’ll keep watch near the shack. He speculates that Laura might already be back at school. That is until he spots the flowers and slate on the ground. Charles checks out the items and determines that they are Laura’s.

Back at the Taylor house, Heloise climbs down to the cellar and hands Laura a dress. “Put this on,” she requests. Laura asks to be let go but Heloise repeats her request. Laura takes the dress (or else she gets the hose again) and starts to change clothes. Mama Taylor starts walking around and talking about how much she loved the root cellar when she was a child. She lights a lantern as she recalls having wonderful dreams when she slept in the root cellar. She turns to look at Laura and asks her to come into the light. Out walks a blonde child and for a minute I thought she gave Laura a Hannah Montana wig along with the dress. No, it’s just another hallucination. Or is it a delusion? Either way: tres creepy. Back in reality, Laura is just sort of standing there uncertain of what to do next as Heloise walks over and starts petting Laura’s head. Mama Taylor then takes Laura’s pigtails and unravels the braids. “Oh Ellen, my beautiful Ellen.” Laura tries to correct Mrs. Taylor, but the crazy lady tells her “No, say ‘I love you, Mama.’” Laura just looks at her, so Mama Taylor repeats her instructions. Remember Furby? Laura sort of looks like one with her hair down and this scene is exactly like trying to teach your Furby how to talk, crazy eyes and all. After a beat, Laura stammers out “I love you, Mama,” and gets a big hug from Heloise. She makes Laura Ellen promise to never leave her. This would be the “Stockholm Syndrome” phase of the grief process.

Back in town, Charles and Mr. Garvey have organized a search party at the Mercantile. As the posse heads out, Cal Taylor walks up to Mr. Garvey and Nels and offers his assistance. Mr. Taylor brought a rifle with him and Mr. Garvey says that won’t be necessary. “Maybe, maybe not,” says Cal. “All I know is my daughter drowned. A good swimmer, but she drowned.” So the gun would have kept her from drowning? I’m not following his logic. The posse ends up combing the Busby land but they’re having no luck. Charles suggests getting lanterns since dusk is approaching, but Mr. Garvey is fairly sure that nighttime searching won’t bring about results. He tells Charles to go home and they can resume the search in the morning. Charles reluctantly agrees and ends up hitching a ride with Cal. Before they depart, Cal reminds Charles that he knows how he must feel but at least Mr. Ingalls has hope. He also says that Ellen’s twelfth birthday would be tomorrow. You know what sucks about grief duels? No one wins.

Night has fallen by the time Charles gets back to the homestead. Caroline opens the door for him and the two hug as Mary watches from the doorway. Cal watches this play out and he looks a bit sadder when he alerts the houses to get a move on.

My Ellen 3/5

At the mill, Charles and Mr. Garvey are making some repairs on the water wheel. Jonathan is sitting inside the wheel working on some internal repairs while Charles is fixing something on the top. Charles says he’s ready and heads over to the reservoir. At first Mr. Garvey was ready, but before he leaves the wheel he sees another repair he needs to make. He tells Charles to hold up a second, but Charles doesn’t hear him. Charles pulls the blocker out of the reservoir and water starts heading down the aqueduct. The wheel starts to turn with Jonathan inside. Luckily it is a simple wheel-and-axle setup, so Mr. Garvey only gets flipped upside down instead of ground into bits. He still cries out as if he’s getting ground to bits. I guess Jonathan isn’t a spinning ride kind of guy. Charles doesn’t notice anything wrong until he is practically standing next to the wheel, but once he notices the problem he runs up to the reservoir to block the water again. Charles runs back down to check on Garvey, who says he hasn’t been that dizzy since the Sleepy Eye Juggler contest. That...makes no sense. Anyway, Charles asks again if Garvey is alright and he replies that he is going to get a sarsaparilla and have a sit-down. Once he leaves, Charles cracks up. This better be important later – I hate writing “sarsaparilla” in vain.

Later on, Charles loads up a wagon with sacks of something and the customer drives off. Reverend Alden stops by and tells Charles that he stopped by the Taylor place this morning. Wait, are we time traveling now? Alden says that Heloise still doesn’t want to talk to him or her husband, so there's no continuity issue. Anyway, Charles is surprised that Cal is getting the silent treatment, and the Reverend informs him that she blames her husband for Ellen’s death also. Alden says that there is no rational reason for any of these accusations and that Heloise is a woman on the verge. His suggestion: Send Caroline over to chat with the bereaved. No good could possibly come of that. His reasoning is that sometimes a woman’s understanding is far more helpful than a preacher saying “be strong.” So...no women in the clergy because of the competition? Charles agrees that this might help and says he’ll ride home right away and ask Caroline.

It looks like Caroline agreed since we now see her walking over to the Taylor house. Cal is outside loading the wagon. She greets Mr. Taylor and explains the reason for her visit. He warns her that she’ll probably be wasting her time. I do love it when the tertiary characters are the smartest ones in the room. It turns out the reason he is loading the wagon is because Heloise asked him to leave. I’m guessing it was more like “demanded”, but it’s the same result either way. Caroline grimly nods and he goes on to say that he’s tired of the fighting and he too needs time to grieve. He mounts the wagon and tells Caroline that he’ll be at his cousin Clay’s if Heloise wants him for any reason.

After Cal rides away, Caroline knocks on the front door. “I told you to go and not come in,” Heloise says. I assume she is mistaking Caroline for Cal, but I’m not 100% positive. Caroline announces herself and says she was hoping they could talk. “Go home to your family,” Heloise says, “take care of your children; you’re not welcome here.” Caroline leaves dejected.

The girls are walking by the same fenced area as that fateful Friday. Carrie is slowing the girls down and Mary tells her to hurry up. Carrie says she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t have a present. “We’ll tell Miss Beadle it’s from both of us,” Mary says. Are they going to school or a birthday party? Laura calls “No Fair” on this since she has flowers and the other two have a “real gift”. Mary decides to say the gift is from all three girls, but then Carrie calls “NO FAIR” because they’re back to the 3:2 present ratio. Oy. Laura comes up with the compromise that they’ll give the gift to Miss Beadle and she’ll give the flowers to Mrs. Taylor. Mary reminds her sister that Mrs. Taylor still isn’t very social yet, but Laura says she’ll leave them at the doorstep then. Laura decides to take the shortcut through the Busby land, even though Pa said not to go that way.

Laura reaches the Taylor house without any trouble and knocks on the door. There’s no response, so she knocks again. Somehow her gentle rapping causes the door to swing all the way open. She walks in while calling out for Mrs. Taylor. Laura looks straight ahead the whole time and doesn’t notice Mrs. Taylor standing in the doorway to Ellen’s bedroom. Heloise asks Laura what she wants and Laura offers her the flowers. Mrs. Taylor slowly walks over, takes the flowers and holds them the way one would hold a newborn baby. Laura watches this, cautiously, as Heloise muses on how Ellen always brought her flowers. Heloise looks over at Laura and smiles. Laura has been replaced with a soft focus version of Ellen. Uh oh.

The smile quickly vanishes and Mrs. Taylor says she’ll put the flowers in water. Laura is unsure of what to do and notices Ellen’s school supplies sitting on the table. Heloise explains that she got the supplies ready out of habit and then begins to ask “why? Why did it happen?” Oh good, we’ve progressed to the bargaining phase. “She was such a good girl,” starts Heloise who turns around and sees Ellen once more. Ellen is wearing Laura’s outfit, which I hope was not a regular occurrence because Ellen doesn’t really mesh with Laura’s aesthetic. She gives the kid a once over, but when given a second over she reverts back to Laura.

Laura gets sufficiently weirded out by this display and says she needs to go to school. Heloise asks Laura for a favor before she goes. She says she’s gotten her appetite back and was wondering if Laura could fetch some apples from the root cellar. Laura agrees, not fully comprehending the crazy in Heloise’s eyes. As soon as Laura is in the cellar and heading to the corner for the apples, Mama Taylor pulls up the ladder and shuts the door on Laura. Heloise grabs the flowers and Ellen’s belongings and walks out the door. It looks like she pulled the table over the cellar door as well. The scene ends with a close-up of a photo of Ellen, which will probably end up here at some point.

My Ellen 2/5

After the funeral, Mr. Taylor guides his wife to their bedroom. Is that the Travelocity Gnome on their night table? Cal sits his wife down on the bed and offers to make her some tea. Reverend Alden walks in and offers a highlighted bible to comfort Mama Taylor. Mama Taylor is rather unresponsive, so the Reverend puts the book on her dresser. Before he leaves, she lets him know that she prayed for a miracle – specifically, that God raise her daughter from the dead. “He’s done greater things than that,” she claims. The Reverend starts to caution her, but she tells him not to tell her not to question the ways of God. Mama Taylor stands by the window and declares that God doesn’t care about her or Ellen. She tells the Reverend not to come by their house anymore. Mr. Taylor comes in to see what’s going on. Reverend Alden respects her request and starts to take his leave. “And take your damn book with you!” she screams as she throws the Bible at the Reverend. See if God does you any favors now, Mama Taylor.

The Ingalls family is riding back from the funeral. Laura is sitting in the very back of the wagon and looks to be still devastated by what Mama Taylor said to her. She hops off the wagon and slowly walks into the barn. Pa follows to console his crying daughter. He explains that people sometimes over react when they are mourning, which Laura acknowledges. He tells Laura that it wasn’t her fault but she says that swimming was her idea. Pa tells her that people can’t predict the future and sometimes things just happen. They hug, but it’s pretty evident that Laura is still processing the rapid series of events.

That night, Mr. Taylor comes out of his bedroom and checks on his wife who has set up camp in Ellen’s bedroom. He offers to heat up some soup, but she doesn’t want any since it was made by “that girl’s mother.” “She thought she’d cover up her daughter’s guilt by being nice,” she states, much to Mr. Taylor’s disgust. Mine too; that’s incredibly tacky.

Before he can say anything, Mama Taylor, AKA Heloise, holds up a picture Ellen painted for her birthday. She muses on the interesting color choices for a bit before asking Mr. Taylor why he wasn’t home that fateful Friday afternoon. He’s taken aback by the question and says that he was still at work. “If you had been home she wouldn’t have gone. You wouldn’t have let her,” Heloise concludes. He says he would have, but Heloise says he would have told Ellen to do her chores first. Ergo, it’s his fault that Ellen is dead. Before he can even respond to this, she screams “Get out of my baby’s room!” He can’t believe that she would blame Laura, then him, but before he can get out any more of his disbelief she accuses him of accusing her. Oh, jeez. This would be the anger phase of the grief process. He leaves the room and she grabs all of the drawings and holds them to her chest. The music suggests that the corpse of Ellen is living in the attic, but I’m not sure that is the case. Yet.

My Ellen 1/5

Carrie is running through a field with her sisters and their friend Ellen as this episode opens. Carrie manages to stay upright, though not running downhill probably helps. The girls eventually reach the Taylor homestead and Ellen gives her Ma a hug. Mama Taylor surmises that since Ellen is so excited when she arrived, she must be super excited to do her chores. Ooo, and if she behaves herself, Santa might let her roll pennies. Ellen clarifies her good mood by telling her Ma that the “Ingall [sic] girls are going swimming” and she has been invited to join them. Ma sort of hems and haws and asks if Ellen did well in school today. Laura chimes in that Ellen did better than Mary. Way to oversell, Half-pint. Mama Taylor tells Ellen to be home before dark. The girls run off, leaving Carrie in the dust again. The youngest Ingalls girl asks “Don’t we ever walk anywhere?”

As they run down the road to the swimming hole, Laura suggests cutting through a fenced in area. Mary reminds her that Pa said not to do that and that she’ll tell if Laura does it anyway. “You would, too,” Laura responds. Her words, not mine, honest. Laura rejoins her sisters and friend and takes the long way to the water. The camera then zooms in on a boy watching the girls through some bushes. That usually means trouble.

We rejoin the girls at the swimming hole and they are already in the deep water, splashing and having a good time. We then see a couple of heads pop up from above the crest of the hill. Oh, it’s the boy from earlier and his little brother. They’re just peeping. I’m not condoning the activity; it just could have been a lot worse. The younger boy notices that one of the girls is getting out of the water. “Never mind,” he says, “it’s only Carrie.” This scene is so wrong. The boys decide to sneak down for a closer look. They find a better vantage point behind some brush about two-thirds of the way down the hill. After about fifteen seconds of watching, the boys hear Carrie ask “WHATCHA DOIN?” Busted! The younger kid lies and says they’re fishing. “WHAT ARE YOU FISHING WITH?” Carrie asks. The boys stammer that they are looking for pole-making supplies, but Carrie, who is wrapped in a towel, tries to help. “LAURA HAS AN EXTRA POLE HIDDEN AROUND HERE SHE’LL LOAN IT TO YOU LAUUUUUURRRRRRAAAAA THERE’S SOME BOYS HERE THAT WANNA SEE YOU.” The other girls look over and scream, realizing they’ve just been peeped on. They dive underwater until the hill near the coast is clear.

Soon after, Laura and Mary pop up near the marshier part of the watering hole. They check to see if the boys are still there and look around a bit before Laura sees them running away. It should be noted that the boys appear to be running in a desert. But besides that, how is Laura able to see them when she is downhill and several hundred yards away? Anyway, Laura decides that they should get dressed and leave. Mary agrees and yells for Ellen. The girls look around as Mary calls out for her, but there is no response. Mary Ingalls sucks at Marco Polo. Laura wonders if Ellen is trying to play a trick, but I’m not that optimistic.

Neither is the search-and-rescue party that has assembled that night. There are a couple of boats floating around, one with a guy casting a net onto the water. Laura and Mary are wrapped in blankets, watching the scene unfold with Caroline by their side. Ellen’s parents are also standing nearby and are holding onto a torch and hope. After a few moments someone calls out that they found something. It’s Ellen.

We rejoin Laura and Mary, dressed in their Sunday best, listening to Reverend Alden’s eulogy. To review the last six minutes: Opening credits, school’s out, swimming, peeping, drowning, and now a funeral. This episode must have a hot date because it’s not wasting any time. Once the Reverend concludes his remarks, Mama Taylor throws herself on the coffin. Mr. Taylor manages to pull his wife off the pine box and escorts her away. They pass Mary and Laura and Mama Taylor stops. She looks Laura right in the eye and says “You did this. It was you. Well it was! She was always asking my Ellen to go swimmin’. If it hadn’t been for you, Ellen would be home with me.” She starts to wail and is taken away as Laura bursts into tears. Charles and Doc Baker share a glance, recognizing that this is just the grief talking. Reverend Alden, on the other hand, walks over and doesn’t bother trying to console Laura and gives her a look that says “she sort of has a point.” First: No she doesn’t. Second: Way to do your job, Alden.

Bully Boys 5/5

Caroline pours some water from the kettle into a bowl to aid in cleaning Charles’ wounds. Doc Baker tells Charles to stay in bed until at least Sunday because he has at least three bruised ribs. Ouch. Mr. Edwards advises Charles to bring a two-by-four the next time he deals with roughnecks. There’s a knock at the door and Caroline goes to answer it. It’s Reverend Alden. He asks Doc if Charles will be alright and he replies, rather testily, that he’ll mend. I’m thinking someone got pulled out of his golf game to tend to the wounded. Anyway, Reverend Alden apologizes for what happened, but Charles isn’t interested. He accuses the Reverend of butting in and using soft words to try to appease the Galenders instead of addressing the problems the town is having with the newbies. Reverend Alden’s response: “Faced with violence, they reacted with violence.” Mr. Edwards calls bullshit on that, since Caroline was the one who was attacked first, albeit not as violently.

And then Reverend Alden has the chutzpah to ask if she perhaps misinterpreted the Galenders’ actions. This really irks Charles and warns the Reverend that today was just a sample of whatever shenanigans the Galenders have in store. The Reverend continues to defend the Galenders saying the Ingalls don’t understand the situation. Even assuming that their situation is real, Reverend, I fail to see how groping Caroline helps out the Galenders’ sick mother. Charles tells the Reverend to stop with the sermon that there is good in all people. Caroline is watching this like a tennis match, her eyes going back and forth between the Reverend and Charles. The Reverend pauses before telling Charles that he cannot approve of what happened today. Charles leaves the room and Reverend Alden leaves the house soon after. Mr. Edwards follows Charles and tells him “don’t you worry about a thing, Charles. I’ll get me a plow handle and by the time I’m done with them Galenders they’ll be too sore to wear their hats.” Uh, thanks? Charles tells his friend to stay out of it. As Mr. Edwards leaves, we see Laura and Mary sitting at the edge of the loft listening to everything that just transpired.

The next day, the Reverend rides out to the shack to speak with the Galenders. Bubba is outside splitting wood. He tells the preacher that his brothers aren’t home. “I see,” replies Reverend Alden. “Have they received any word about your mother?” he asks. This stops Bubba, who says that she hasn’t spoken to them in years. He asks how he knew about her, and the Reverend says they told him about her. This confounds Bubba since she left with some drummer shortly after Bubba was born. How 1960’s of her. Reverend Alden becomes Father Dowling for a moment as he figures out what is going on. Before he leaves, he asks Bubba to remind his brothers that he is looking forward to seeing them at church on Sunday.

School lets out Friday afternoon and the kids head down the steps. Mary, who was towards the front of the crowd, decides this is the best time to take a seat on the front steps. Mary Ingalls sucks at not screwing up traffic. Even Laura has to engage in some weird acrobatics to walk around her sister. Laura tells Mary to hurry up so they can soak their feet in the creek before they do their chores. Sounds like fun. Bubba comes out of the school a few moments later and grabs the writing tablet that Mary set down. Laura tells him to put it back. Bubba puts forth the legal argument of “Finders Keepers” while Nellie files the amicus brief of “Loser’s Weepers”. Mary quietly says “That’s my tablet, Bubba.” He says he doesn’t see her name on it and Nellie chimes in that she saw him find it. Mary seethes that her name is on the front cover and asks again for him to give it back. Bubba interprets this as Mary claiming he can’t read. Mary looks at him before replying through gritted teeth that she is not going to take any more bullying from him. Laura says “me too,” and takes a step closer to the action.

Mary stands up, picks up her pail, and walks up to Bubba. “There comes a time when people have to stand up for what’s right. We’re not backing down to you anymore.” Bubba tries to call her bluff and advises Mary to go talk to her papa to see what Galenders are capable of. Mary’s rebuttal: Swinging her pail across Bubba’s face. Mary Ingalls does not suck at hand-to-hand combat. Good for her. She throws down the pail and tries to get in a couple of hits while he’s on the ground, but Bubba pushes her away. Laura tries to dive in but he is able to push her away as well. Mary tries again, but Bubba is able to overpower her and push her away. Nuts, Mary Ingalls does suck at hand-to-hand combat. As this is happening, all the other girls are silently communicating their solidarity and bum rush Bubba shortly after Mary is pushed aside. Everyone except Nellie gets in on the action.

Later that evening, Pa is enjoying his after dinner pipe outside with Caroline sitting nearby. The girls come out to say good night and Mary apologizes for getting into a fight. Pa says that the fight seemed inevitable, so he’ll let it slide. Laura asks if Reverend Alden would think the girls were wrong, but Charles guesses not since they won. Boosh. Caroline chastises her husband verbally while the bruised ribs chastise him physically. Mary says she learned a lesson: That if you stand together you don’t have to be afraid. That seems to be the bully antidote on this show. Laura starts to reenact the play-by-play, but Caroline warns her that being prideful of a fight isn’t advisable. Laura cuts herself off as she and Mary are sent to bed. Before Laura shuts the front door, Caroline verifies that Mary “socked him a good one”. Atta girl, Caroline.

It’s now Sunday morning and the congregation is arriving at church. Charles notices the Galenders walking up and snidely comments that the “Christians are on their way to church.” Before Charles can get super bitchy, Mr. Edwards walks up and greets the family. There is some milling about inside the church until the Galenders arrive. A hush falls over the crowd and everyone decides to take their seats. The Galenders sit in the front row and Reverend Alden gives them an icy glare. He says he’s going to bypass the hymn and go right to the sermon.

Today’s subject: HELL. Specifically, the concept of Hell serving a purpose in reminding people why they strive to do good things. “I’ve told you there’s good in all people,” starts the Reverend. “But that doesn’t mean that all people lead good lives. There are those who lie, who steal, who abuse those around them.” Sam and George share a glance that says “I know where this is going, but don’t lose your cool yet, bro.” Reverend Alden rehashes the Turn the Other Cheek adage and reminds people that it works 99% of the time. But every so often that 1% happens when the “devil is in our midst” and no nobility will protect you from the devil’s bidding.

George decides that this would be the right place to interject and ask if the Reverend is slurring the Galender name. Reverend Alden steps down from the dais and says that he is doing more than that. He commends the children for teaching the town the lesson it needed to fight against the devil’s work. Sam asks the preacher what he plans to do. “I intend to see you out of this church and out of this community.” Sam scoffs at this and tells Reverend Alden that it looks like he is still standing alone. Reverend Alden then grabs Sam, swings him around and slams him against the wall and Dirty Harry’s an “am I?” George stands up, but Mr. Edwards grabs him and throws him towards a group of men. We see a close up of a roughed up Bubba who is unsure of how to proceed. Sam can tell the game is over and assures the Reverend that they’ll be gone by nightfall. “You’ll go now,” commands Reverend Alden. He deputizes Mr. Edwards to handle the eviction and directs Caroline to lead the ladies in a hymn.

And now: The Walnut Grove Congregation Choir will accompany this afternoon’s eviction with “Onward Christian Soldier”. A-one, a-two, a-you know what to do.

Bully Boys 4/5

Caroline runs into the house as Charles chases after her in the wagon. I guess they crossed paths at some point as she ran home. Charles runs in after his wife and asks “what’s the matter?” She tries to shake it off but he still wants to know what’s wrong. Charles notices that Caroline’s skirt is a mess and she tries to regain her composure. He can tell that she has been crying and asks her what happened. Caroline’s eyes well up again when she tells him she broke the eggs. Charles knows that she would not get worked up over something like that and prods her some more. “It was my fault, Charles,” she says. “If I just sold them the eggs like they wanted...” Charles stops her and asks if “them” refers to the Galenders. Caroline then goes on to tell her husband that she couldn’t just walk past them because they grabbed her. You can almost hear the “snap” in Charles’ brain when she tells the story. The old timey music with the “boing boing” takes a minor key as Charles storms out of the house.

The team of horses races over to the Galender shack. Sam and George are splitting wood outside. George is complaining about the task and says that Bubba should be doing the work. As Sam tells his brother to quit griping, he notices a wagon quickly approaching his house. Hmm, Pissed Charles Ingalls versus Two Brothers (One with an Axe). This is going to be awesome. Charles gets out of the wagon and George greets him with the most obnoxious buddy-buddy routine possible. Charles tells them he isn’t there for a social call and follows Sam inside the shack. George stands in the doorway behind Charles. Mr. Ingalls asks who put their hands on Caroline. Sam takes a swig from a canteen before adopting the play dumb route of “was that Mrs. Ingalls?” He continues by saying “you’re a lucky man; she’s a handsome woman. Soft, too.” George takes off his hat and adds, “real soft, you said.”

Charles waits a beat before he grabs a chair that was sitting on top of a table for some reason and swings it behind him, hitting George right over the head. George falls over and Charles closes and locks the door behind him. Sam runs over and grabs Charles, but Mr. Ingalls just starts punching. We see George recovering from his hit as we hear the ruckus from inside the shack. Sam calls for help and the view keeps switching from outside, where George is trying to figure out a way in, and inside where Charles is totally kicking ass. Charles manages to pin Sam to the ground and starts making music on Galender’s face. After the sixth or seventh punch, George kicks in the back door and Charles looks up.

Meanwhile, Mr. Edwards is bumbling around the countryside. He sees the Ingalls’ wagon and team running down the road but there doesn’t appear to be a driver. Mr. Edwards runs over and gets the team to stop. Once stopped, Mr. Edwards hops into the wagon to see what’s going on and notices a heavily beaten Charles. I guess Sam got a second wind.

Bully Boys 3/5

It must be Sunday because the school house is filled with Reverend Alden’s congregation. This week’s sermon vague touches on the financial losses and abuse brought on by the Galender clan. The Reverend points out that many hymns talk about “Christian Courage” and that the Bible does not reward cowardice. Blah blah blah “turn the other cheek” blah blah blah Mary’s eye isn’t really looking any better. I think Reverend Alden is picking up the vibe that the congregation isn’t really buying what he’s selling, so he tells them that he will go speak to the Galenders.

At the Galender shack, Bubba slaps down a writing pad and says “You know you’s wrong about that man’s poke.” What? Oh, the math riddle from a couple of days ago. Bubba proudly says that Sam was wrong: it isn’t a dollar and a half but $1.35. Your Brain Age isn’t improving, kid. Sam is completely disinterested and says that someone will take that poke before Bubba finishes adding anyway, so the actual total is irrelevant. There’s a knock at the door and Bubba announces that “it’s a preacher!” the way that someone would say “it’s a zombie!” Sam invites the Reverend in and introduces the rest of the family. Sam tells George to set a place for the preacher because their mother always said “you gotta feed the preacher or you gonna pay the devil”. The Reverend chuckles at this and marvels that Mama Galender must have been a God-fearing woman and segues into asking why the boys have been total jackholes since they’ve arrived in Walnut Grove. Sam and George play dumb and ask the Reverend for clarification. The Reverend mentions the purchases made, running up bills they didn’t offer to pay and the intimidation tactics. The brothers continue to play dumb and innocent and mention that their bank draft is overdue. Although that takes care of the purchases and over-billing issue, Reverend Alden still takes exception at the lumber scam that the Galenders pulled.

Sam waits a beat and asks Bubba to leave the room. Bubba complains but complies. That buys Sam enough time to come up with what is probably a cock-and-bull story about their Ma getting sick right after the lumber purchase. Wow, you can get word about your ailing mother faster than you can get a bank draft from St. Paul? Reverend Alden is far less suspicious than I am and decides that sympathy is the best approach to the situation. He wonders why they didn’t explain the situation to Mr. Hanson and Sam says that he didn’t want Bubba to find out. Reverend Alden agrees to keep mum about their mum as the Galenders apologize for skipping out on Sunday services and promise to be in attendance next week.

Another recess at Walnut Grove K-12. Mary is sulking on the front steps and Miss Beadle walks over to check on her. Mary says she doesn’t feel like playing and runs off. Miss Beadle sighs and shrugs before heading back inside. The soundtrack at this point sounds like the interlude music from the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Meanwhile, Laura and Willie are playing marbles and, judging by Laura’s trash talk, the Oleson boy is losing. As Laura gets ready to shoot, Willie says she is hunching and they agreed to no hunching and knuckles down. I have no idea what they are talking about, but Laura is totally hunched over. Laura fires and hits a marble. Yay? Nellie and Bubba are walking arm-in-arm towards the game. Nellie accuses Laura of cheating and Bubba says he should get in on the game. Laura says no, so Bubba puts his foot on the marbles and says that the game must be over because she’s out of marbles. Mary is watching the argument ensue from the distance and runs over when Bubba pushes her sister to the ground. Mary tells Laura to stop because he’ll just knock her down again. Bubba points to his eye and says “Your sister knows: you’d better listen to her.” Nellie smugly smiles at this and it makes me wish horrible things will befall this terrible twosome. Bubba picks up all the marbles and puts them in his pocket. After he and his girl go to the swing, Laura remarks that Bubba is a bully. That took a little too long to figure out, wouldn’t you agree, Laura?

The older Galendars are napping in a wagon somewhere in town. George looks around and remarks that Walnut Grove is a nice little town. His favorite part: the God-fearing people. He asks Sam if he thinks they’ll let them stay for a while and they both start to laugh. Sam says a man could have everything he wants in this town. George looks off in the distance and says “Just about everything.” Uh oh, it looks like Caroline has caught his eye. She’s walking down the road with a basket of eggs. George remarks that he wants some farm-fresh eggs and I worry that he might be using a euphemism. He climbs out of the wagon and approaches Caroline. He asks if those are fresh eggs, she says they are and tries to continue on her way. George holds her by the arm and she tells him to let go. Sam has joined them and Caroline looks over to the mill to see if Charles is nearby. He isn’t, so she tries to say the eggs aren’t for sale. George calls her bluff and Caroline tries to struggle, knocking the eggs out of the basket in the process. The two brothers get all up in Caroline’s personal space and she screams for them to leave her alone. She manages to run away before things get even sketchier and the Galenders laugh at her.

Bully Boys 2/5

Recess! The girls are in a circle playing a game involving bouncing a ball towards one another. I think it might be dodgeball fueled by estrogen instead of testosterone so it's very low key. Bubba is over by the school building observing this game and seems annoyed by what he’s watching. He walks over and grabs the ball and tells the girls how to play the game for realsies. He promptly beans an 8-year-old in the face and she falls like a sack of potatoes. As physical comedy goes that’s gold. The music sting and Laura seem to disagree with this assessment. Laura checks on the girl then walks over to Bubba and tells him that you have to bounce the ball first. “What’s it to you, pee-wee?” he sneers. That’s “Half-pint”, buster. Laura tells him someone could get hurt playing his way and they get into an argument about the merits of whatever “sissy” game is being played. Laura tries to take the ball back, but Bubba knocks her to the ground. Mary runs over to her sister and tries to hold her back from fighting with the boy. Bubba laughs at this but once Mary calms down Laura she heads over to confront the boy. “You’re older and bigger,” she tells him, “that’s why we have rules so the little ones don’t get hurt.” Bubba’s rebuttal: punching Mary across the face. “Well that’s my rule,” he says to Mary as she lies on the ground. Not cool, dude. The bell starts to ring as Mary “Glass Jaw” Ingalls holds her hand to her eye. Bubba also warns Mary not to go “snitchin’” to Miss Beadle.

That evening at the homestead, Charles comes home from work as Caroline and Carrie are exiting the barn. Carrie goes to greet Pa in that robotic way she has and they have an in-depth conversation about milking. Charles apologizes for being late because he had to complete the Galender delivery. As Caroline finishes preparing dinner, Mary is icing her eye up in the loft. She asks Laura if the shiner looks any better, but Laura is too engrossed in her homework to answer. Mary asks Laura not to say anything to Pa. The girls go downstairs for supper. Pa is washing up and asks the girls about their new schoolmate since the older Galenders mentioned their little brother started school. Laura politely mentions that Bubba is not little. Pa agrees since the older boys are quite large and Bubba is about Mary’s age. Pa walks towards his seat and finally notices Mary’s eye. He asks what happen and Mary tries to stay vague by saying she got hit in dodgeball. Pa thinks that is a weird way to get a black eye, but Mary totally plays the “sucks at life” card in order to bypass the real explanation. Caroline is thankful that Mary didn’t have her glasses on at the time of the injury. I agree – Mary could have been blinded by the accident and then how would her life have turned out? Laura asks Pa if he ever had a black eye and he says that he did and that it taught him a lesson: “The only thing worse than one black eye is two black eyes.” They say grace and presumably chow down.

The next day at school Laura and Mary are playing on the teeter-totter. Laura tells her sister that her eye looks much better. As they chat about eye issues, Bubba hops on the fulcrum of the seesaw and stops their activity. Laura says “hey!” but Mary tells her to move along, so they head over to the swing. Nellie walks over to Bubba and compliments him on his trick. She offers Bubba a sour ball for use of the teeter-totter and they begin to form a symbiotic relationship. That’s what it’s called when two parasites feed off each other, right? Willie tries to tag along in this transaction, but Bubba pushes him out of the way. As Nellie seesaws sidesaddle (say that three times fast), Mary and Laura comment unfavorably on what they just observed. Mary points out that, if anything, they’ll both wind up with rotten teeth. Always the optimist.

Meanwhile, over at the Mercantile, Mr. Hanson runs into Mr. Henderson. He asks how things are going and tells his customer that his lumber order should be ready by Tuesday. Henderson sets down his supply bag and tells Hanson that he was headed over to the mill to cancel his order. It turns out he got a better price. Mr. Hanson can’t believe that someone was able to beat his price, but a couple of guys came by the Henderson place that morning and offered a price of $15. You can see the gears turning in Mr. Hanson’s head and he seems to have figured out what happened. There don’t appear to be hard feelings, but Hanson asks Henderson who the sellers were. Galender, you say? There’s a surprise.

Sylvia 10/10

Albert is putting the finishing touches of his goodbye note right before he places it on the mantle. Meanwhile, Charles and Mr. Webb are outside the mercantile as Mrs. Oleson sweeps the porch. No one Charles has checked with has seen Albert except for Harriet who saw the kid about fifteen minutes earlier. She tells them that he was riding out of town towards the Ingalls’ place, so they decide to head out that way as well. As they race down the trail, they miss Albert who is hiding behind a tree. Albert runs into town back to the livery, but he finds the door locked. Charles is at the homestead and finds the note Albert left. After reading the note, the two men try to figure out where Sylvia could be. Since Albert didn’t know her whereabouts the night before, he must have found her that day. Mr. Webb recalls that they split up twice. Charles realizes she must be at the Atkins’ place, since that was Albert’s location after the second split.

Sylvia is sleeping in her hidey hole at the Atkins farm. The door creaks open and somebody much taller and lankier than Albert creeps in. Whoever it is takes slow, deliberate steps across fallen kindling and tree bark towards the sleeping girl. After the twentieth crack of wood and twigs, Sylvia rises and expects to see Albert. IT’S THE MIME!!!!! He tries to grab Sylvia, but she ducks, grabs a two by four and hits the guy in the arm, knocking him off balance. Run Sylvia! Oh, she tripped on the wood scraps. Damn petticoats. The mime takes off his askew mask and...it’s Mr. Hartwig! He runs over to the door to block Sylvia’s exit. She runs over to a ladder and starts climbing. He puts one hand on the ladder and I swear I think he’s about to knock the ladder over. Instead, he starts to climb. As he steps on the first rung, Albert jumps on Hartwig’s back and they start to wrestle. Sylvia is now at the top of the ladder but has nowhere to go from there. As she tries to reach for a rafter, the rung supporting Sylvia snaps and she falls about 30 feet to the ground. Hartwig glances over towards Sylvia then grabs a two by four to brain Albert with. Before he can swing, a gun goes off and Hartwig falls to the ground. Good shot Mr. Webb.

Albert sees Sylvia is unconscious by the ladder and he crawls over to her, his drooping lip wavering. He starts whimpering as Mr. Webb and Charles look on. “I’ll get Doc Baker,” Pa says and runs out of the barn. The camera then focuses on the fallen mime mask.

That evening at the Webb house, Doc Baker exits Sylvia’s room and reports that the patient would like to see Albert. Albert walks slowly to the bed and sits by Sylvia’s side. Sylvia reports that she fell and asks Albert if she is going to die. Albert says she isn’t and that she and her pa won’t be leaving after all. I guess raping the daughter of the homeowner causes an escrow issue at closing. Not to be all Scooby-Doo about this, but given the plot elements of this story, did Hartwig rape Sylvia as a means to acquire the Webb property?

Sylvia can’t believe everything that happened and she asks if they can still get married. “When you’re up to it,” Albert replies. “I wish we can have a church wedding,” Sylvia says. Albert asks why not, causing Sylvia to hem and haw and say “ya know...” Please do not try to play charades here, kids. They start reciting their wedding dreams and I slowly lose interest. She finishes with a “kiss me, my love” and then they make out. Her eyes close and it is a little unclear if she just died or if she simply fell asleep. Seeing as how we don’t hear about her ever again, I’m guessing it is the former. We then get a replay of the slo-mo smooch from their first date and the episode ends.

Sylvia 7/10

Albert runs through the wilderness towards Sylvia’s house and knocks on her window. For whatever reason, he’s wearing a stupid looking hat that he promptly removes once inside. Is it props or costumes that should receive my sarcastic “thanks”? Anyway, the two lovebirds embrace as Sylvia apologizes about breaking their date. Papa Webb has Sylvia under house arrest and she is now afraid of her father. Albert has a plan though. Apparently Pa said it was okay for Albert to get a job so that he can save up some money and marry Sylvia. Somehow, I think only the part about the job came out of Pa’s mouth. Even Sylvia is like “What?” when she hears this. Y’know, when even your fiancée is skeptical about your marriage plans it might be a good idea to take a step back, Albert. He says if anyone stands in their way they can just run off and do what they want. “Albert,” Sylvia starts, “I wish we could but we can’t. We’re too young.” How can someone so practical have such a bad rep in town? “Why? Why are we too young?” Albert asks. Asked and answered, small fry. He promises Sylvia that he can do this and wants the opportunity to prove it to her. Now I know why he has the hat – the kid is in over his head.

The phone rings and Sylvia answers. It is her father checking in and letting her know that the farm has been sold. They now have tickets to get out of town on Saturday. “I don’t want to leave you,” she cries as she embraces Albert again. “You won’t,” he replies. “I’ll think of something.”

Later on, Albert runs over to Mr. Hartwig’s shop to see if there is work available. Mr. Hartwig is reluctant since Albert is still in school, but Albert makes the hard sell. Turns out that since Hartwig bought the Webb farm he could use someone to keep an eye on the shop. He decides to hire Albert on a trial basis with the promise of steady work if the kid makes it through probation. The kid’s first task is to bring over a mare for shoeing.

Mr. Webb returns home that evening and recaps the day’s events for Sylvia. She asks where they will be going and the answer is California. “It’s so far away,” she whines. “Far enough, I hope,” replies her father. Hector reminds his daughter that it’s her shame that he is trying to hide. That’s just…ugh. I don’t have the words anymore. As he washes his hands, he looks over towards the doorway, throws down his towel and marches over to pick up the hat that Albert left behind. “I warned you what I would do!” he bellows to his daughter. I’m fully expecting him to smack her or do something else equally horrific, but instead he marches over to the cupboard to grab his gun. Sylvia begs her father to stop, saying that Albert was only there for a couple of minutes to see how she was doing. “Believe me for once,” she begs. “How can I believe a whore?” her father demands. Wow...that’s just...wow. Somehow smacking her seems almost less disgusting, though I would have preferred that neither interaction took place. Sylvia cannot believe what her father just said, backs away and runs out the door. Mr. Webb finishes loading his shotgun.

Sylvia 6/10

1981 – Albert secretly plans to marry Sylvia to prevent her father from taking her to another state.

Part Two of this episode starts out in front of the school. Albert drops off his stuff at the base of the steps and says hi to Marcy. She takes one look at him then runs off. Before he can start moping about his lack of luck with the ladies, Laura comes out and asks her brother to come inside. “What’s going on with everybody?” Albert asks. Laura breaks the news that Willie has been talking. Surprise! Mrs. Oleson listened in on Doc Baker’s phone call with Mr. Webb. Now word is traveling around that Albert is the father. Even they are surprised that Mrs. Oleson would stoop that low. Albert grits his teeth saying “If they want to believe it, they can believe it,” and he storms out of the school. Not the best exit line, but at least I’m getting his vibe.

Laura chases after Albert but he asks her to let him go. She agrees and he walks over to where Willie is chatting with some other boys. “You’ve been saying stuff about me,” Albert says. “Only the truth,” Willie replies, “my mother told me.” “Lord knows your mother wouldn’t lie,” Albert sneers. “So it’s true about you and trampy Sylvia?” Willie asks to the laughter of those gathered. “Yes it’s true, and she’s not a tramp.” Albert then slugs Willie across the face, again. I’m not going to lie; I do find those punches to be strangely cathartic. Anyway, Albert runs off while Willie complains about his bloody nose.

We catch up with Ma and Pa at the homestead after Albert has gone to bed. They are pretty shocked about the day’s events and that people can be so cruel. I find that to be a tad naïve. I mean, they’ve lived in Walnut Grove for how many years now and they still don’t know how horrible Mrs. Oleson can be? You may not approve of her behavior, I certainly don’t, but she is pretty consistent and shock no longer seems like an appropriate response. Back to the story, Albert told Pa that he didn’t want to go to school anymore. Ma doesn’t really like the sound of home schooling, but Pa says it would only be temporary. She agrees then she starts talking about what she would like to do to Mrs. Oleson. Now we're talking. Pa is the only one who seems to be naïve in this situation. Good for you, Caroline. She decides to go for a walk to calm down.

The next day we see Sylvia walking past the well at her house. Oh dear, this is all shot from the perspective of someone watching her from a shack or a barn and it is obvious that she doesn’t see the watcher. She goes to the barrels alongside the building and whoever is watching is walking up to her. Sylvia is completely oblivious to the fact that someone is approaching. A hand reaches out and touches her shoulder. “No!” she cries and she runs away. Albert is there and calls out to her as she runs off. Asshole. Not Albert but Michael Landon who wrote this episode. She turns around and sees that it is Albert and not a mime from Hell. Albert tells her it’s alright and she hugs him. “I thought it was him,” she sobs. Albert has no idea who she is referring to, and she tells him about the man in the mask. “Don’t be afraid,” Albert tells her, “I love you.” Aww.

Mrs. Oleson goes into the restaurant all chipper and shrill as if she didn’t destroy the life of some 14 year old girl who has done nothing objectionable. Seriously, Sylvia is nice, the way that oatmeal is nice, and I still cannot wrap my brain around why all the adults in town think she’s the bad seed. Harriet goes into the kitchen where Caroline is kneading some dough. Willie told his mom what happened and Harriet wanted to offer the most insincere apology possible to Caroline. How considerate. “He was only repeating what he heard from his mother,” Caroline seethes as she works the dough. Harriet objects to the implicit accusation. “I never ever called that girl a tramp,” claims Mrs. Oleson. I don’t doubt that; I think she used far more offensive terminology. Caroline cuts off Harriet: “All you did was listen in on a private telephone conversation, add a few lies of your own, and spread it all over Hiro Township.” Mrs. Oleson is pretty steamed at this point and aggressively goes through a sack of baby clothes she brought over for Sylvia. “We don’t need your charity,” Caroline states. “Don’t be ridiculous!” Harriet snaps. Caroline stops kneading and asks her to leave. Instead of reading the room, Harriet decides to go into a self-righteous rant about how Caroline will be that baby’s grandmother. Caroline’s response: slapping the dough smack dab in the middle of Mrs. Oleson’s hateful face. Dude! Awesome! Ten points! Caroline walks out, telling Nellie she’ll be back in an hour and that Harriet better be gone. I think she’s going to get a tattoo or something else equally badass.

Albert and Sylvia are sitting on a log in the woods. Albert doesn’t understand why Mr. Webb hates him or how he can blame Sylvia for what happened. Sylvia wishes she could run away and be with Albert. Albert kisses her and you can see that some wheels are turning in his mind. Sylvia says she needs to go but agrees to meet up with Albert the next day. They exchange “I love yous” and finalize their meeting plans.

Sylvia is working the stove as her father shows Mr. Hartwig the house. The price is 1500 (man, he got hit hard by the housing crisis) and Hartwig wants some time to think about it. Webb is eager to sell, so he tells Hartwig that if another offer comes up he is going to take it. “Again,” Hartwig says, “I’m sorry that you have to go.” He says goodbye. Mr. Webb washes up and notices mud on Sylvia’s shoes. He asks if she went somewhere today and Sylvia lies that she was home all day. He points out the mud and she says she just took a walk. “Don’t you lie to me,” he bellows as he grabs his pregnant daughter by the throat. “If I see you with anyone I’ll kill ‘em, you understand?” Sylvia nods, still in her father’s grip.

“I’m gonna ask you a question and you give me an honest answer,” asks Pa of Albert. Geez, there is a lot going on in this first act. Pa wants to know if Albert is seeing Sylvia. Albert says he has and Pa asks about the wisdom of that choice. Albert thinks he’s in the right and that everyone else can suck it, but he states that more in the way a kid his age would back in those days – politely. He tells Pa that he loves Sylvia, to which Pa responds “Do you think you’re old enough to know what love is?” Albert says yes, since he loves his Pa. Whoa. Not the same thing, kiddo. At least, it better not be. They say good night and go to bed. Separately.

Sylvia 5/10

Laura is in the middle of giving the class an assignment of writing ghost stories. The kids seem into the idea, though the 500-1000 word limit may stifle the future Stephen Kings in the class. Willie asks if they will be making costumes again. Laura replies that the school board is holding a costume contest. Willie says that his mom already bought his costume and has gone ahead and torn out the labels so that people will think she made the costume. I really hope we don’t have to see this contest play out because I already know I’m not in the mood.

Laura dismisses the class. Sylvia puts her head on the desk and is not all that responsive when Albert checks on her. He calls Laura over and Sylvia looks up and says she doesn’t feel well. Albert goes to get some water for Sylvia as Laura helps her outside for some air. As Sylvia drinks the water, Laura suggests that Albert go to Almanzo’s to borrow his buggy so they can take Sylvia home. Sylvia refuses, saying she needs to meet her Pa at the Feed and Seed. Albert offers to walk Sylvia over, but she refuses. She goes back to the school to get her books. The siblings follow Sylvia inside and watch as she collapses between the desks. Albert runs to get Doc Baker.

Doc Baker exits the examining room and reports that Sylvia is conscious and resting. The diagnosis is exhaustion and the rumor is that Mr. Webb is the one responsible. “Exhaustion is only part of it,” Doc Baker continues. He asks Albert to wait outside, but the Ingalls boy wants to know what’s wrong since he hasn’t seen Sylvia for a while. Doc Baker asks how long and Albert says a couple of months. “She’s with child, son.” Albert is dumbfounded by the news, particularly since he claims that they didn’t do anything. Albert starts to freak out then runs out of the office. Laura asserts that Albert isn’t lying and Doc Baker believes her.

Doc Baker calls the Feed and Seed to break the news to Mr. Webb. He winds up the phone and asks Mrs. Oleson to make the connection. She complains about her knee, but Doc Baker tells her to make an appointment and connect the damn call. There’s no answer at the store, so the Doc tries the Webb house. Mrs. Oleson is prattling on about something so Doc Baker has to put on his mean face. It looks good on him. Mr. Webb arrives home as the phone rings. When Webb picks up, Doc Baker gives the background of what happened and suggests that Mr. Webb come to the office for the more detailed version of the story. Mr. Webb doesn’t like that Doc Baker is beating around a bush, and demands the straight poop. Over the phone. That Mrs. Oleson is known for eavesdropping on. Hector does not take kindly to the news and slowly hangs up the phone.

Charles walks up to Albert who is contemplating life near a tree at the homestead. Pa tells him that Laura filled him in on what happened. “I loved her, Pa,” Albert laments. He then thinks about Sylvia’s current state: “I hate her,” he cries. Pa tries to console Albert, saying that Doc Baker told him neither Webb said anything about who the father was. Albert thinks she’s lying, but Charles suggests that maybe this happened against Sylvia’s will and that Albert shouldn’t be so quick to judge people. Pa tells Albert that Sylvia is going to need friends now, but Albert doesn’t think he can be her friend.

That night, Sylvia is sitting on her bed looking at the ceiling when her father comes into the room. “You stay around the house from now on,” he orders. “I don’t want you going into town.” Mr. Webb plans on selling the farm and moving to a town where no one knows them. “You blame me for this, don’t you?” Sylvia asks. His response: “You reap what you sow.” Are you kidding me with that?!

We now see a younger Laura Ingalls happily running down a hill while "The Next Item up For Bids" music starts to play. Oh, it's the credits.

Sylvia 3/10

Mr. Webb is rocking out 19th century style (in his rocking chair) when he hears a thud outside the front door. It’s Sylvia and she looks roughed up. “Help me, Papa,” she whimpers. He shows almost no emotion at this, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise since it is nighttime and he apparently isn’t too concerned with the whereabouts of his daughter if he is rocking out in the living room. He helps her up and carries her to the bedroom. He asks what happened as he covers her with a blanket. She tells him someone grabbed her, pulled her down, and starts to cry before finishing the gruesome tale. Mr. Webb reels back, horrified at what happened to his daughter. He looks in the mirror, turns back to his daughter and asks who did it. She cries that she doesn’t know because he wore a party mask. “The clown face. The clown face.” Mr. Webb slowly exits, but before he leaves he tells Sylvia that she is not to tell anyone what happened. “No one must know of this disgrace, do you understand?” Boo!

The next day at school, all the kids are playing outside including Albert’s friends who are running around chasing Willie. Sylvia is sitting on the swing when Willie comes around, grabs the swing and she unwillingly gets in the middle of a tug-of-war. To be fair, I don’t think they were targeting Sylvia, but she starts to freak out and starts flailing and hitting and screaming no. Her rage starts to focus on Willie and the other boys try to calm her down to no avail. Laura and Albert run outside to check on the commotion and rush over to help. Laura puts her lack of Special Victims training to good use as she slaps Sylvia across the face to calm her down. Surprisingly, this works. Laura takes Sylvia away as Willie claims innocence.

Over at Doc Baker’s Laura is pacing while Sylvia is examined. Doc Baker doesn’t know what’s up because Sylvia is not talking. Laura relates what happened to the doc, but he seems puzzled that Sylvia was hitting the boys even though the boys didn’t hit her. He mentions that there is some bruising on Sylvia, but then Mr. Webb barges in. Doc Baker tries to both give and receive information, but Mr. Webb isn’t interested. He uses the “fell down the stairs” excuse and accuses Doc Baker of calling him a liar when told that the bruises aren’t consistent with that type of injury. Doc Baker is absolutely baffled by Webb’s behavior and Laura agrees that something is amiss.

At the homestead, Albert tells Ma and Pa what happened. Apparently the incident scared Carrie, which is why it is dessert conversation. Albert promises his parents that he is going to protect Sylvia from any teasing. Pa thinks it’s a good idea then sends Albert to bed. Not much going on in this scene.

Willie and his porn buddies spot Sylvia sitting on the schoolhouse steps before class. They run towards Sylvia, stopping in front of her, Willie screaming “No! No!” as the other boys pretend to slap him silly. The Olesons really aren’t doing much to curry my favor this episode. Sylvia doesn’t even get offended at this display as she just sighs in a resigned fashion. Albert walks over and tells Willie to stop, first by asking, then by pulling him away. The pranksters ask what the problem is and Albert says he told them to stop. “Yeah, well make me,” Willie sneers. So Albert slugs him right in the face. Yeah, that’s good for two points. Go Albert! Willie runs home to mother to take care of his bloody nose. The other boys walk away, disappointed that their fun is over. Albert tells Sylvia that they probably won’t bother her anymore, says see ya, and walks away. She smiles as he leaves. Awww.

Later that day Sylvia is walking home and Albert runs up to her. They talk about that day’s test and how they did. She thanks him for his intervention earlier and the awesomeness of punching Willie’s face in. I like this girl. Albert jokes that he learned it all from Laura and they share a laugh. Albert offers to carry Sylvia’s books, but she politely refuses. “I’m trying to be a gentleman, but you have to give me a chance,” he lectures and she gives in.

Sylvia 2/10

The next day at school, a girl walks over to Albert and hands him some books. Oh, this must be Sylvia. I think the best way to describe her would be “fourteen-year-old extra on Little House on the Prairie”. He thanks her and apologizes about what happened. She brushes it off and it seems like things are settled. I think they’re totally crushing on each other so the conversation is very awkward.

Laura calls Sylvia from the stoop and asks the young girl to come into the schoolhouse. There’s a special meeting of the school board, which usually means that it is a meeting of the “special” school board. They want to talk to Sylvia, so you can probably guess what the topic du jour is. This week’s board is composed of Charles, Doc Baker, Nels, Harriet, and some townie. Harriet starts off the inquisition by saying that she has heard reports of things going on that have been deemed improper. Sylvia has no idea what Mrs. Oleson is talking about and apparently that has been Laura’s stance throughout the meeting. Harriet asks Sylvia why the boys were at Sylvia’s house. That’s like asking the money why it was in the bank that was robbed. Sylvia is having trouble following Mrs. Oleson’s logic and says that the boys were just being silly. Harriet doesn’t like this definition of silly at all.

Mrs. Oleson then asks the girl why the boys chose Sylvia’s house when there are so many other houses to choose from. It’s a leading question, which Harriet answers by accusing Sylvia of being a tease. There is so much that is absolutely disgusting about this scene. First off, it is apparent by the line of questioning that which ever girl was the unfortunate victim of Willie’s peeping would be subjected to this treatment. Also, it’s not like Sylvia is being an exhibitionist here. Looking at her I don't think she's a Hussy McSluterson, not that that is relevant anyway. She didn't consent to the peeping, so back of Harriet. As obnoxious as Mrs. Oleson is throughout the series, this is by far one of her worst moments and it makes me sick.

Charles finally intervenes, pointing out that the situation is turning into “he said she said”. Mrs. Oleson is bothered that Mr. Ingalls is on Sylvia’s side, despite Albert being “lured” to the girl’s house. Charles relates Albert’s version of the events and chalks everything up to natural curiosity. Harriet considers this condoning the boys’ actions, but Charles equates what happened with peeking around the swimming hole. “I certainly don’t remember any of the boys sneaking around the swimming pond when I was a girl.” Nels mutters something under his breath. Hey, Nels? You picked her. Remember that.

The consensus among everyone except Mrs. Oleson is that boys will be boys. Laura wants to start school and Doc Baker calls for the meeting to adjourn. Harriet storms off as the rest of the board files out. Laura apologizes to Sylvia and lets her ring the bell. Despite all the problems that have come up in the last day or so, that Sylvia is pretty well adjusted. I hope that lasts.

The bell starts to ring as we see the feet of kids scrambling to gather their things and enter the school house. We then get an extreme close up and pan across some flowers. The pan stops on someone’s eye. Uh-oh, that eye is aimed directly at Sylvia. And it does not blink.

After school, Sylvia is walking home with Albert and a couple other boys about forty feet behind her. She turns around, see the boys, and walks a bit faster. The boys start teasing Albert that Sylvia was making eyes at him. The porn critic thinks Sylvia has the hots for Albert and suggests peeking through her window again. Albert pushes the kid to get him to shut up. Albert walks away.

We now see Sylvia walking through a wooded area gathering some flowers. Serene music plays as birds chirp the day away. She arranges the flowers into a bouquet and stops when she hears some twigs cracking. She looks up, but doesn’t see anything. More twigs crack, so Sylvia gets up to investigate. She walks towards the sound and some birds fly out of the tree.

Sylvia smiles as the bluebirds fly away, but suddenly a gloved hand grabs her mouth. Ahhhhh! Whoever grabbed her has on a black hood and a creepy mime or clown mask covering their face. The mask doesn’t have eye holes either, so it looks like a disturbing hybrid of the comedy/tragedy masks. The attacker forces the bouquet out of Sylvia’s hand for maximum symbolism. Yikes. What makes it worse is that the Hallmark Channel thinks this is the best time for a bottom of the screen graphic advertising “another great episode” of Little House coming up next. Stay tuned.