Barn Burner 5/5

The judge has returned to the courthouse and the community has reassembled inside. No one is standing while the judge makes his way to the desk. Hear ye, hear ye, Bizarro Court is now in session. The judge asks if the jury has reached a verdict. Charles is slow to rise as he mentions that they have not reached a verdict on both counts. Murmuring ensues. After restoring order, the judge asks what the jury has accomplished. They reached a guilty verdict on the assault charge, which should come as no surprise to Larabee who admitted he hit Andy, but he still makes a face that looks like this :-( only with more grizzle and bigotry. The jury is still deadlocked on the barn burning verdict, causing Larabee to smirk. He smiles at Matt, but Matt looks like he wants to gut the defendant.

The gallery is all abuzz with the latest developments, so the judge threatens to clear them out if they don’t quiet down. He asks what the breakdown of votes is and Charles reports 11 guilty 1 not guilty. Is Henry Fonda on the jury? The judge thinks for a moment before saying “may I ask the identity of the dissenter?” No, your honor, I don’t think you may. Before anyone can call for a mistrial, Joe Kagan speaks up and says he is the one. Larabee is just as surprised as the gallery as he looks over at Matt, who still wants to do awful things to Larabee. The judge restores order once again before making his next statement. “Mr. Kagan as a member of the colored race you’re pretty much accepted in this community?” Kagan says he is, causing the judge to conclude that “in my experience you’re the first negro to serve in judgment on a white man, perhaps it’s all gone to your head.” God forbid the use of jury nullification in this kangaroo court.

OH! And then the judge continues to suggest that Kagan’s gone totally drunk with power and is acting completely irrationally. Kagan coolly explains that he doesn’t like Larabee any more than anyone else in the courtroom but that even though there is probable cause that Larabee started the fire, no one saw him do it. How DARE you bring reasonable doubt into the jury room, Mr. Kagan?! Seriously, what sort of screwed up legal code is this judge operating under? He asks if Kagan could possibly be dissuaded from his stance, but Kagan says no way. Justice Bullshit decides that the only sensible thing would be to excuse Joe Kagan from the jury and replace him with someone who will provide a twelfth guilty verdict so that the judge can get to his four o’clock golf game. Charles and Doc Baker exchange a “WTF?” glance, but don’t intervene, probably for fear of being banished to some foreign country or thrown into a well.

Joe Kagan agrees to being excused, but decides to make a speech first. The judge says that Kagan already had his say, which is bullshit. Before things get ugly, Reverend Alden rises and asks for Kagan to speak. The judge agrees to let Kagan speak but not to waste any time. Kagan then makes a speech about how the Larabees in the world need to get with the times and get over their hate. Also, even though Mr. Larabee is a despicable person, he should be treated equally under the law as everyone else, regardless of personality or skin color. Yay equal protection arguments! Kagan goes on to equate convicting a man unfairly with lynching, which makes me wonder what white guy wrote this script. Seriously, those two concepts are not on equal footing. That’s like equating the Holocaust with a fender bender. Hester-Sue is in the gallery and is moved by Kagan’s words, so perhaps I’m just being overly critical.

Everyone in the gallery seems to be taking Joe Kagan’s words to heart, but the judge still excuses the juror. He walks towards the back of the gallery and puts his hand on Hester-Sue’s shoulder. Charles selects another juror. As the new juror takes his seat, the judge says “since we already have eleven guilty verdicts, it would save time and trouble if you simply announced what yours is.” Are you kidding me? Charles? Reverend Alden? Nels? Why is everyone sitting on their hands about this bullshit process? “No,” a voice cries out. Finally! It’s Andy, who walks up to the front saying that there was something he didn’t say in his testimony. “Young man,” Justice Bullshit says, “anything you have to say must be considered irrelevant unless you...lied in your testimony.” Andy is all “What?” before explaining that he might have caused the fire. Andy explains that he left a lantern on the corral post the night of the fire and the wind might have knocked it over after he left. Larabee jumps on this and says that the fire must have happened that way. Justice Bullshit asks if Andy found the lantern, and the kid said he found it in the ashes. Andy goes on to say he held back on this testimony because he wanted Larabee to be punished, but Kagan’s words taught him that justice is more important than vengeance. It takes a while for the judge to process that concept, but he eventually allows it. Andy rejoins his Pa in the gallery.

The judge asks Larabee to rise. Now that Andy has presented his full story, reasonable doubt now exists beyond a reasonable doubt (NOT the standard of measurement, I might add) that Larabee did not cause the fire. For the assault charge, Larabee has to pay Jonathan Garvey the amount his crop would have sold for at the original co-op price. Larabee says “no fair!” which really ticks off Justice Bullshit. He warns Larabee that the sentencing phase isn’t over, so he should use any further objections very carefully. Larabee shuts up, and with that the court is adjourned.

As the gallery clears out, Mrs. Larabee and her sons are pondering over what just transpired. They eventually get up and leave while Larabee remains standing in the front of room. Mrs. Larabee turns to look at her soon to be estranged husband. He turns back and decides to take the high road. “I didn’t need no nigger defending me! I didn’t need nobody!” I guess the high road is closed for repairs.

Annabelle 3/5

Awkwardness is approaching the school for the blind as Nels rides up to make his delivery and Annabelle is in the classroom. She is telling the kids about her coworkers, including the dog trainer, offering to let the kids pet the dogs after the show. The kids like this idea. Annabelle has been speaking to the class for a while, so she asks them what they think she does in the circus. All the kids start shouting out ideas before Hester-Sue tells them to go one at a time. One girl, Susan, guesses that she is the showgirl who rides the elephant’s trunk. Annabelle cracks up at this idea, though the only other person in the room who knows what’s going on is Hester-Sue who doesn’t seem all that interested. Roscoe is next to guess and he goes with the magician’s assistant who gets cut in half. Annabelle decides to give them a hint, telling them she is in the sideshow. This clicks with Roscoe, who immediately guesses Bearded Lady. Everyone laughs at this answer, causing Roscoe to get defensive. Annabelle says that there are bearded ladies, she just isn’t one of them. The class gives up, so she tells them that she is the fat lady. They don’t believe her. To prove it she invites the blind children to come up and walk around her as they touch her and listen to her voice so they can experience “what a fat lady really feels like.” Words can’t describe the level of inappropriateness that is on the screen right now. As the children circle and grope, she makes a joke about how she doesn’t want to be tickled in any hemisphere. At this moment, she notices Nels standing in the doorway and no one is quite sure what to say. You know, even if he approved of his sister’s choice of livelihood, I think it is totally reasonable to be concerned about letting a bunch of kids feel you up, even if it is voluntary. He and Hester-Sue walk out of the classroom to complete the supply delivery. Once the delivery is complete, Nels hightails it out of there as Annabelle watches from the window.

That evening at the homestead, Laura is working on a dress as Charles reads by the fireplace. Laura notices that Pa has nodded off, so she walks over to close his book and put it away. This wakes him up and claims that too much of Caroline’s cooking is what put him to sleep. Caroline only heard the “cooking” part of his statement and checks to see what he said as she joins the family in the main room. As Laura returns to her project, Ma compliments the design so far. Laura thanks her, but says she wishes this project was for someone a little nicer. Is it a prom dress for Hedda Lettuce’s mom? No, it’s for Christie Norton, an apparent little Miss Perfect. “I bet she doesn’t even sweat,” Laura snarks. Pa gets a chuckle out of this, but Ma chastises Laura saying “when people pay us to do a job we don’t talk about them behind their backs.” I’m guessing Caroline hasn’t had much job experience in the world of customer service. Even my boss, one of the nicest customer service oriented people you will ever meet, has called someone an idiot immediately after an overly elaborate phone conversation.

Albert comes down from the loft as this is happening and announces that he finished his homework. He also announces that he is going to bed because he’s “pooped”. Caroline sputters at this word choice and tells Albert that he is “tired”. I think Caroline’s cooking has made her a bit uppity this evening. Albert says “good night” to his parents and starts to head back upstairs. On his way, he asks Laura if she would like his circus ticket so she can go with Almanzo. Caroline gives Laura a knowing glance while Laura gives Albert a “Dude! Keep that on the DL!” glance. Laura tries to play the “Boys? Ew!” card, but it doesn’t seem to work. Albert goes up to bed and you can sort of tell that Laura knows that she may have fumbled a bit in the politics of puppy love. Ma knows what’s up and tells her daughter that Albert was just trying to be nice. Laura acknowledges this and heads up to the loft to apologize. Albert is surprisingly steamed about what just happened and tells his sister that she should have just said she didn’t want the ticket. Of course, Laura actually wants the ticket she just couldn’t say so in front of Pa. What’s funny is they are having this conversation in their normal tones of voice at the top of the loft ladder. You know, the ladder that Pa’s chair is at the base of where he is currently sitting. Pa doesn’t say anything when Laura returns from the loft, though I wonder if he did after Albert calls down from the loft that she should ask Almanzo first thing in the morning.

Morning arrives and Laura has run down to the mill and notices Almanzo across the way at the Feed and Seed. Before going to see him, she rehearses what she is going to say. The scene is a little difficult to watch because things have not changed in 130 years in terms of how much you can beat yourself up over what you want to say to your crush. In the course of her rehearsals she comes up with four or five different strategies, but immediately discounts each one. She eventually decides on the one that I find most effective: Fight or Flight. She slaps herself in the face, tells herself to “just do it” and runs over to Almanzo. He is loading a wagon and notices “Beth” standing by the side of the building. He asks if he could interest her in a sack of grain, but the way he postures and says it makes him come off a bit smarmy. Laura uses his question as a cue to ask if she could interest him in going to the circus with her. Atta girl. Unfortunately, he already has a date for the circus. I don’t know if the smarminess is intentional, but it is extremely palpable. And creepy, given how there appears to be at least a twelve year difference between the two of them. Laura tries to play it off, but before it can turn into the pity party of near-tears and near-vomiting (if you’ve been in this situation you know what I’m talking about) a woman calls out for Almanzo. Oh, it’s Christie Norton, how ironic. Amazingly the show managed to create a character even prissier than Nellie. She asks Laura about the dress and admonishes her for not stopping by to reassure her about the delivery time of five o’clock. As Laura leaves, we can overhear Christie say to Almanzo “I hope that child finishes my dress on time; I do so want to look lovely for you.” How did she end up in Walnut Grove? She might as well have a British accent. Laura walks away defeated.

Wave of the Future 2/5

The next day, the Oleson’s are meeting with Major Guffey to discuss the progress of the renovations. The dining room has a lot of bare, rectangular, Ikea tables set up in rows. According to Guffey, seating capacity has increased by 22%. Of course, with additional tables and chairs I would think the fire capacity would decrease, but that might not be relevant until act three. Mrs. Foster stops by to peek at the progress. Mrs. Oleson quickly shoos her away, actually pushing her out the door. That’s some quality customer service there, Harriet.

As Mrs. Foster is leaving, Almanzo is pulling up with the latest stool delivery. He and Mrs. Oleson call them chairs, though she is alarmed at the fact that there are no backs on any of the seats. Major Guffey’s theory, or “secret” as he calls it, is that if the customers don’t sit around all comfy like, there will be more customer turnover, thereby bringing in more money. Stop drooling, Harriet. You see, this is where I start to have a problem with the whole conceit of this episode. Walnut Grove is the Guam of this developing fast food nation at this point with a population that couldn’t possibly support this sort of franchise. Yes, people will leave the restaurant eventually, but not everyone in Walnut Grove is going to be dining out on the same night. Besides not being part of the lifestyle of the community, there are several families that couldn’t afford to eat there even if they wanted to. Unless Sleepy Eye became a booming metropolis while I wasn’t looking, the economics of the situation do not make much sense.

Anyway, Harriet acquiesces to the stools so Almanzo leaves to bring in the rest of the shipment. “Thank you Zaldo—um---Almanzo,” stutters Mrs. Oleson. Hehe. Another man enters the dining room with a box that he places on the table. The box contains all the franchise accessories, from plates to custom napkins. The color scheme is Emerald City green with Price is Right yellow lettering. Best of all, the Olesons are required to buy the accessories from the parent company. Nels balks at this, but Major Guffey brings out the contract quoting the article and paragraph number about this stipulation without having to read the document. Yeah, you’re in trouble if one party of a contract is able to do that sort of thing.

Mrs. Oleson tries to negotiate changing the green (not a bad idea), but is interrupted by the delivery of the new sign. The Olesons are not as ecstatic about the sign as Major Guffey is. Since Harriet didn’t actually read the contract, she wasn’t aware that the name of the restaurant was going to change from Caroline’s to Mrs. Sullivan’s. Guffey pulls Mrs. Oleson aside and tells a ridiculous story about a man lost in the wilderness who sees a beacon in the darkness. That beacon is a Mrs. Sullivan’s Restaurant, with all the garishness that is about to befall Walnut Grove. I’m not sure if the man lost in the wilderness is supposed to be Jesus, but whoever it is, let’s hope he’s color-blind. Guffey’s point is that someone should be able to know what to expect regardless of which Mrs. Sullivan’s Restaurant one finds himself. Harriet falls for it, but Nels knows pure hogwash when he sees it.

It is opening night and Harriet is putting the finishing touches on the aprons that Hester-Sue and Caroline are wearing. “My troops are ready,” Mrs. Oleson giggles as she heads to the door, ready to let in the large crowd that has gathered. She then does a countdown because…the contract told her to? I’m sharing Hester-Sue’s worried glance right now. Ernie leads the charge of the crowd, taking time to admire the fanciness of it all. He would just about die at the luxuriousness of Denny’s. Ernie asks to see a menu, but there are only three options: Beef Stew, Roast Chicken, and Pan-Fried Steak. Hester-Sue has to repeat the list louder (“HUH?”), which causes Harriet to come over, shush Hester-Sue and then explain in way too much detail why the menu has changed. Hester-Sue appears to be mumbling the Serenity Prayer to herself as Harriet finishes taking the order. “You see,” Harriet condescends, “it’s called the ‘Wave of the Future’,” to which Ernie replies “IT’S WHA?” That’s one point for Ernie.

Hester-Sue delivers the order to Caroline. Harriet asks Caroline how things are going and things seem pretty easy so far. Hester-Sue takes out Ernie’s order and gets the thumbs-up (“THUMBS WHA?”). Nels comes in to see how the grand opening is going. Harriet sees him and for whatever reason becomes frazzled at the number of people in the restaurant. She asks Nels to help out even though neither of them have had their own dinner yet. We then go into a montage of cuh-RAY-zee food service, ending with Nels and Hester-Sue crashing in the doorway.

Later on, a weary Caroline and Hester-Sue leave as the Olesons tally up the opening night receipts. It was their largest one-day haul and Harriet is beaming that everything the Major said has come true. Nels is less than thrilled, mainly because they worked harder in one shift then they ever had before and the goal was to lessen their collective workload. Harriet reluctantly agrees, but says that the Major said that the volume should taper off a bit. I would agree, since the grand re-opening of the only restaurant in town is probably going to cause a spike in visits. “Trust me,” Harriet says, playfully pinching Nels’ chin. He smiles.

Wave of the Future 1/5

Wave of the Future

1981 – Mrs. Oleson converts her restaurant to “fast food,” but her success causes problems.

The show starts as it always does with the wagon stopping on the hilltop and Laura and Carrie…running away from it? I have never been too sure exactly what is going on there. The music is in double time, so we must have a heavy plot on this one.

A photographer is setting up his equipment in front of a sign for Mrs. Sullivan’s Kitchen. He asks a man in a top hat, sniffing what looks like a sad cake or an even sadder meatloaf, where the old lady is. I’m not sure if he is referring to Mrs. Sullivan or the wife of the man in the top hat, but either way the photographer is not in the mood to dilly dally. We then see an elderly woman staggering up the curb next to the building where the sign is located. Both the music and the physicality of the woman indicate she is thoroughly sloshed. Oh good, comic relief two minutes in. Someone is going to get typhoid before this hour is done.

Mr. Sullivan (it’s his old lady, so we’ll just go with that name for now) starts art directing the shot. “You pushed me,” the lady slurs. Mr. Sullivan denies this but she demands an apology. He concedes, but she responds “it’s too late to be sorry.” Yes, yes it is. Mr. Sullivan hands her the plate with Mrs. Sullivan’s cake, which confuses the woman. At first I wondered if she couldn’t tell if it was cake or meatloaf, but it is simply a catalyst for more drunken banter. Scratch the typhoid – I’m going with gangrene. The art directing continues, but the woman isn’t smiling. She prefers Rum Baba (sans baba) over chocolate cake. When Mr. Sullivan promises to give her some Rum Baba, Mrs. Sullivan proceeds to give one of those creepy toothless smiles that help sell denture cream.

It’s nighttime in Walnut Grove and we’re outside Oleson Mercantile. Hester-Sue is scrambling through Caroline’s Restaurant. The dining area is packed, which surprises me a little bit given that Walnut Grove still seems kind of small at this point. After three or four orders are barked Hester-Sue’s way, she retreats to the kitchen and passes the fish orders to Caroline. Caroline has already cooked the last of the fish, which causes Hester-Sue to wish she was working anywhere else but the restaurant.

As Hester-Sue takes an order of roast beef out to the dining room, Mrs. Oleson enters the restaurant. She introduces her companion, Major Guffey. Hester-Sue politely nods but is unable to get away without Mrs. Oleson prattling on about how busy the restaurant appears to be. Hester-Sue tries to disengage again, but Mrs. Oleson grabs her arm and orders two fish dinners. She does not respond well to being told there is no more fish, but rather than shriek about it Mrs. Oleson joins Major Guffey at their table. The roast beef order finally makes its way to Ernie, Walnut Grove’s token hard-of-hearing-old-guy. Wow, four minutes in and we’ve had comedic drunkenness and a bunch of “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” dialogue. And Mrs. Oleson, who is yoo-hooing for Hester-Sue to take their order. With each pace, Hester-Sue receives a complaint/request from each table. She finally makes her way to the kitchen and unleashes a blood-curdling scream. From the sound of it I would guess the stage directions involve a dead body on the kitchen floor, but it’s just Hester-Sue releasing some stress.

Later that evening, Major Guffey is sharing some observations and suggestions about the restaurant with Nels and Harriet. “Just remember this,” he states “a restaurant is a battlefield.” Nels is a little dubious about this philosophy, but Major Guffey begins to share some of his experiences during the War Between the States. What it comes down to, in Major Guffey’s eyes, is efficiency. “The more efficient your mess hall, the less work you have to do and the more money you can make.” Of course, the word “money” causes Mrs. Oleson to drool more than Pavlov’s dogs so she is all ears to Guffey’s proposal to have the restaurant join the Mrs. Sullivan’s franchise. He even has a contract ready for the Olesons to sign. Nels has to be a spoil-sport by being sensible about diving into a business transaction billed as a “wave of the future”. Major Guffey isn’t as shifty as he could be and tells the Olesons to take some time to read things over as he will be back in town in a few days.

Outside the Oleson house we hear someone banging on a piano. Wait a minute, what’s the timeline here? Nellie should be older but that looks like a child at the piano. She has the same hair, maybe it’s a different actress? I had to look this up: it is the Olesons’ adopted daughter Nancy, who is essentially Nellie 2.0. That is…extremely creepy. Anyway, Harriet is browbeating Nels about wasting time thinking things over when they could be indentured servants to Mrs. Sullivan. Nels is actually reading the contract which annoys Mrs. Oleson further. Between the clanging on the piano and the clanging of Harriet’s vocal cords, Nels starts to lose his temper. “Nancy, must you bang on that piano?” Nancy looks at him, does that fake crying thing that all brats do (so charming!) and wails “You hate me!” What kind of default reaction is that?

Harriet tries to appease Nancy as Nels leaves the room. “Where are you going?” Harriet asks. “Insane. I am going insane,” he responds. As shrill as things have already gotten seven minutes in: 2 points Mr. Oleson. Before he leaves, Nels decides that since Harriet refers to it as her restaurant (though I do think the namesake of Caroline’s is supposed to be a partial partner) she can do with it what she wants. That can only lead to good things, I’m sure.