The Music Box 5/5

Laura finds Anna crying in a field. Her tears are either made of Vaseline or her nose is running up her face. Laura apologizes saying that she didn’t know that Nellie was going to be a horrible person. “I trusted you,” Anna says. At this point the stutter is indistinguishable from the sort of staggered speech someone Anna’s age would have when sobbing uncontrollably. Anna says she just wanted to be a part of the club because Laura was in it. Laura tells her she isn’t in the club anymore. Laura promises to spend her time after school helping Anna with her stutter and exacting revenge on one Nellie Oleson. Anna smiles and hugs Laura. The girls run home while singing “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.”

That evening, back at the house, Mary and Caroline battle a ball of yarn while Charles worries about Laura’s whereabouts. We hear thunder as Laura walks in totally soaked. Wow, who knew that song worked? Caroline guides Laura to the fire and asks Mary to get some dry clothes for her sister. As Pa wrings out Laura’s pigtails, Laura decides to confess to stealing the music box. Ma and Pa are disappointed, but Laura recaps the entire story. Oy! That’s my job! Laura finishes by saying that she tried to figure a way out and couldn’t. Pa lectures that Laura couldn’t find a way out because she avoided the easiest way: telling the truth. Laura says she’s ready to face her punishment, but Pa says he’ll leave that up to Mr. Oleson. Laura apologizes to Mary and they hug.

The next morning, Laura hands the music box to Mr. Oleson and apologizes. “I know I was wrong,” she says. “Not as wrong as somebody else,” Nels says before yelling for his daughter to come downstairs. Charles tells Nels that he should be the one to decide Laura’s punishment. Nels says he can’t condone stealing, but Laura may have been punished enough. Did she tell him about the dreams? Because really, that’s the only actual negative consequence she has experienced.

Nellie comes down the stairs and almost runs into the music box that Nels is holding up to her face. Nellie pretends to yell at Laura for being a thief, but no one is buying it. Nellie tries to continue to school, but Nels tells her to go to her room. Looks like option A again. Whoops, nope, Nels grabs the strap as he goes upstairs.

As Laura and Anna run down the Mercantile steps, Willie commands Laura to carry his water buckets for him. Laura refuses, but Willie starts doing his “dum dum” impression again. No, the music box one. Laura and Anna look at each other and smile. Laura agrees and they both grab buckets. They both dump the water over Willie’s head. The two girls head to school arm in arm.

So I guess the lesson here is if you are going to steal, make sure you have a tenuous friendship with someone who has a speech impediment, that way you can live your life without consequences.

The Music Box 3/5

Laura, Anna and Mary are carrying their books as they walk past the Mercantile on their way to school. “Laura Ingalls!” Nellie races down the front steps as Laura stops in her tracks. Nellie sneers that she wants to talk to Laura then offers her a gumdrop. Willie observes the bi-polar action from the porch. Laura accepts the gumdrop while Nellie invites Laura to eat lunch with the club. Laura says she is still mulling over her membership. Anna volunteers that she will be in the club, but Nellie says Anna can’t be a member until she learns how to talk. Laura doesn’t take too kindly to this, so she returns the gumdrops and tells Nellie she won’t be joining. Laura and Anna walk away arm in arm. Nellie screams after them. “A chicken can squawk, a butterfly can flutter, but Anna can’t talk, all she can do is st-st-stutter.”

Nels is out on the porch at this point and yells at his daughter while Willie giggles. Nels tells her to get in the house and get the strap ready. Yikes. Nels looks at Willie who says he didn’t do anything. Nels pulls Willie into the shop anyway. The kids run to Harriet and hide behind her. She doesn’t know what is going on (as usual), but begs her husband to give the kids another chance. Nels brandishes the strap saying that Nellie doesn’t deserve another chance. Nellie apologizes and even vouches for her brother that he didn’t do anything. Nels tells Nellie that she will be grounded from school for the day and will go to Anna’s house that afternoon to apologize. Harriet is horrified, insisting that her daughter will be humiliated. Nels says that’s the point. He gives Nellie the choice between the strap and a half-assed apology. Nellie says she doesn’t know where Anna lives, but her father says to ask Laura. Nellie doesn’t like that idea, but Nels brandishes the strap again and tells Nellie to choose. To recap, the choices are A) Stay home from school for the day and then walk over to Anna’s house to “apologize”, or B) A whuppin’. Nellie chooses A. Nellie goes upstairs and Nels tells Willie to clean his room. Today is a school day, right?

That afternoon, Laura is in the barn trying to fix the music box. It isn’t going very well. Outside, Nellie approaches the homestead and Jack goes into Cujo mode. Good for him. The sound isn’t great, as they play barking sound effects when Jack’s mouth does not show any sort of barking or growling, just drooling. Nellie rushes into the barn to hide from the dog. Laura is caught off-guard (she didn’t hear the dog?) and Nellie realizes that it is her music box that Laura is tinkering with. Laura tries to lie that it is her own box but Nellie calls BS on that instantly. Laura insists that it’s hers, so Nellie suggests asking Laura’s parents. Laura, realizing that she’s caught, confesses. Nellie says she is going to tell, but Laura says she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie verifies this incredibly stupid statement, but Laura insists that she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie tells Laura that she is going to be in the club and warns Laura that if she steps out of line, Nellie will tell and possibly try to have Laura put in jail. Laura promises to follow Nellie’s orders.

At this point Pa walks in. He asks what’s up and Laura says they were just listening to Nellie’s music box. “Oh it’s your music box now, Laura,” Nellie says. Pa is pleased with this news, especially since it appears that the two buried the hatchet -- and not in anyone’s skull. Nellie leaves but as she exits she asks Mr. Ingalls if Laura can go to her house after school tomorrow. Charles is okay with this. Nellie asks Laura how to get to Anna’s before she leaves. Once she is gone, Pa says he is really happy to see this new development. Laura catatonically agrees.

Nellie’s arrival at Anna’s house is inexplicably framed through the arms of a chair on her porch. Inside, we see that the props office used the “LHOTP – Generic” item list, which includes a shawl, butter churn, rocking chair, and a woodpile. Anna’s mom answers Nellie’s knocking by opening the door, but answers Nellie’s questions in Swedish. I wonder what obnoxious schoolyard rhyme Nellie has for that linguistic trait? Anna comes out of her room and asks Nellie what she wants. Nellie apologizes, but Anna doesn’t quite believe it. Anna’s mother asks, through Anna, if Nellie would like to stay for dinner, but Nellie politely refuses. Anna gets the door for Nellie and walks her outside. Nellie apologizes again, but the insincerity starts to drip when she tells Anna that she is talking much better. Anna doesn’t have an insincerity detector, so she is thrilled by this development.

That evening at the homestead, Laura puts down her dictionary and asks her Pa what it’s like to be in jail. Did Charles do hard time? That would be amazing. Aww, he says he has never been. Charles asks why Laura wants to know and she says it’s for homework. Did Miss Beadle ask the kids to write prison letters? Charles said he met a couple of guys who went to jail during the War, but he isn’t inclined to repeat their stories. Laura asks what sort of crimes lead to jail time – cheating, hurting somebody, and stealing are what Charles list. Laura speculates that stealing only applies to big things like horses, but Charles says you can hang for a crime like that. “No, they put you in jail for stealing just about anything,” Pa continues. This does not ease Laura’s nerves.

The Nerd March plays as we enter another one of Laura’s dreams. A fire burns in the center of a medieval prison. One prisoner is stretched on a rack while several others sleep on the stone floor. Someone is laughing as Harriet enters wearing a hood and carrying a giant bucket. Laura is looking even more bedraggled than in her previous dream. Harriet reaches into the bucket and pulls out a wad of breadcrumbs that she chucks to the ground. All of the prisoners scramble to the food except for a Leif Garrett impersonator chained to the wall. As Harriet feeds the birds, Nellie walks in wearing a hood and eating from a chicken bone. She laughs as Laura notices the meat. Laura crawls towards the Oleson jailors who continue to laugh at the girl. Once Laura reaches Nellie and begs for food, Nellie bludgeons the girl with the chicken. Nellie leaves and slams the door.

Laura starts to bang on the door and we fade out of the dream. Back in reality, Laura is banging on the wall screaming, “I’m hungry.” Mary wakes up her sister and tells her to knock it off. Charles yells up to the loft to find out what’s going on. Laura and Mary say nothing, but Charles yells up again demanding an answer. Mary says flatly, “Laura rolled over and fell out of bed.” Mary Ingalls sucks at plausibility. Charles asks if she is all right and Laura responds just as flatly that she is okay. Pa tells them to go to sleep.

The next morning outside school, Nellie explains to the club that she will decide who is "it" and, as president, she will never be "it". That’s not much of a game, whatever it is you’re playing, honey. Nellie calls over to Laura and Mary, who have just arrived, that they are going to play Hide N Seek. Mary declines, which Nellie is okay with. Nellie then commands Laura to join her. Nellie has decided that Laura will be “it”. Mary and Anna are shocked by this. Laura apologizes to Anna and promises to play with her after school and dejectedly walks towards Nellie and the girls. Anna is deeply disappointed by the development.

The Camp-Out 5/5

Charles and Nels are still searching for their daughters. After a few barks from Jack, we rejoin the girls on their White Water Adventure. Nellie manages to put aside her sense of survival to whine and pout some more. She’s like a more annoying version of Willie from Temple of Doom.

Charles calls out for Laura while Nels skips a stone on the river. Jack starts to freak out and bark at the bushes where Nellie fell in. I think there’s a dog that could benefit from some Lassie training. Charles spots Laura’s leaf bag and both men start to get a bit more concerned. Charles speculates that the girls are probably farther downstream, but that causes Nels to suppose that they might have fallen into the river. Charles tells Nels not to “chase shadows”, which I think is a little unfair.

The girls enter another set of rapids and manage to avoid slamming into rocks again. I call no waysies. We then see a series of waterfalls that the girls are sort of approaching. Of course, they end up taking a fork in the river, so they were never in any (additional) danger. Laura manages to steer the bush towards a tree branch that just happens to be in a shallow part of the river. She forces Nellie to accept the branch as a means of escape from the river, but not after a bout of extreme whining. Shut up, Nellie. Lemmings have a stronger sense of self-preservation than this girl.

As the girls reach the shore, the bush floats over towards the waterfalls and gets swallowed up by the white water. Let’s just pretend they were in danger, shall we? Ooooo! Ahhhh! Ahem. After a short breather, Nellie starts blaming Laura for bumping her into the water, attempting to drown her, and then causing her to cry because she can’t swim. It is at this point that I first notice that Nellie has a rather nasty snaggletooth. Laura tells Nellie to stop bawling, but to no avail. Nellie complains about freezing, but Laura suggests that walking back will probably warm her up. Actually, I don’t think that’s the recommended treatment for hypothermia.

Caroline surveys the river as Harriet walks over. They acknowledge that several hours have passed. Harriet takes responsibility for the whole situation, saying that it was her idea to have Nels finagle an invitation for the Olesons. Caroline says she kinda figured that out already, much to Harriet’s surprise. Harriet still thinks that if she were a better person, this situation would never have presented itself. Caroline’s response: “It takes two to argue.” Love ya, Caroline! Harriet promises to Caroline that if/when the girls come back, she will strive to be a better person. So if the girls don’t come back, you’ll strive to be more like this?

Mary is on calamine duty with Willie. After she applies some goop to his elbow, Willie tells Mary that she doesn’t seem as mean as Nellie says she is. He even goes so far as to call Mary nice. As Mary starts to confess about the poison ivy debacle, Charles bellows that he has found the girls. Everyone runs over to hug the girls. Laura says they rode the rapids, followed by Nellie blaming the Ingalls girl for pushing her off the riverbank. Laura is outraged, but then Nellie accuses her of pushing her head underwater. Mrs. Oleson returns to her regular Orange Threat Level self and chastises Laura. She then tells Willie to share all his leaves with Nellie since she lost all of hers in the river. Even the special leaves. Mary and Laura smile at this.

Back in Walnut Grove, Miss Beadle is ready to announce whose collections won out. She says they came from two students. Mary and Laura perk up, but it is Willie and Nellie who won. Miss Beadle leads the class in a round of tepid applause. The kids turn around and…hey! They stole my Halloween costume! Miss Beadle starts itching her neck. Laura and Mary look at each other but don’t say anything. Are they the only two people in Walnut Grove who can recognize poison ivy? Wah wah.

The Camp-Out 4/5

The next morning Willie and Harriet are covered in some homemade paste that Caroline applies. Laura and Mary watch as the Olesons scratch themselves. Thank God for TV – that is not my idea of entertainment. Harriet tells Willie to stop scratching, causing Laura to smirk. Mrs. Oelson wonders aloud why she and her son are the only ones to be affected. Well, if you let Willie share his treasure trove then everyone would be complaining. Happy now, Harriet? Mary doesn’t offer my answer and instead uses the semi-rhetorical question as an opportunity to exit before she shares her knowledge about the poison ivy.

Nels saunters over and asks his wife if there is anything he can do to help her. She tells her husband not to worry and to go fishing as if nothing were wrong. Strange, but there is no air of a guilt trip when Harriet says this. Nels notices this too, so he and Charles scamper off before Harriet has another change of heart.

Later along the riverbank, we see Laura and Mary running towards more leaves. Nellie yells for the girls to wait up so she can “search” along with them. Mary suggests that they split up to maximize their leaf count. Nellie decides to continue to tag along with Laura. It’s probably for the best – we don’t want Nellie to get eaten by a panda bear drinking from the Danube now, do we?

Jack leads the way down a narrow path along the river. Laura gingerly walks towards a leaf but Nellie swoops in and snatches it. Farther down the path, Nellie spots some leaves right by the river’s edge. Laura calls over to Nellie, telling her to be careful. Nellie scoffs at this. A moment later she screams as she lowers herself, er, “falls” into the water. Laura runs over to grab the girl, but the bush that Nellie was holding onto uproots and pulls both of the girls into the rapids. Of course. Jack barks in disapproval.

Back at camp, Charles swoops in to steal a sandwich from a stack that Caroline had prepared. He asks how the leaf hunters are doing and his wife reports that Mary came back but Laura and Nellie were still out and about. Charles checks in with Mary to see her leaf collection. Over at the Oleson side of the camp, Harriet tells Nels that lunch is almost ready so he should call for Nellie. He looks around a bit before asking Mary if she has seen his daughter. Mary says she hasn’t, but she found Jack nearby so the girls must be around somewhere. Charles and Nels decide to go look for the girls.

Meanwhile downstream, Laura and Nellie cling to the bush as the rapids carry them. “We’ll have to wait until it gets shallow,” Laura says. Nelly whines at an ear-piercing frequency about not being able to swim. After navigating past a fallen tree trunk, we enter into an homage to Deliverance. If anyone tells Nellie that she has a purty mouth, I am so done with this project. Despite the bush’s incredibly weak roots, the girls manage to hang on and not slam into any rocks…so far…

The Camp-Out 3/5

Later on, we see Caroline bringing some tree branches to Harriet who is struggling with setting up the Oleson tent. Caroline offers to help, but Harriet insists on trying to get it done herself. Mrs. Ingalls observes for a bit before complimenting Mrs. Oleson on her outdoors skillz. Harriet jokes about giving her brothers camping lessons when they were growing up. Who is this pleasant person and what did she do with Mrs. Oleson? As Harriet starts to lay down the branches in the tent, the support tie comes undone and the whole thing collapses on Harriet. Whoops.

A bit later, Charles and Nels walk back to the campsite carrying a couple bundles of fish. The kids run to their respective fathers as they show off their hauls. Nels stops in his tracks when he sees the camp completely set up. “I never thought you could do that by yourself,” he marvels. Harriet stammers for a second before Caroline pipes in that she was also amazed with her work. Nice save, but now I’m starting to worry that something is wrong with the water in the river. What’s going on with these people? The women take the fish and get ready to cook dinner. Nels is dubious of Harriet’s extreme chipperness.

That dubiousness is replaced with indigestion as Nels struggles to get his fork into the charred piece of fish meat on his plate. Harriet is not a top chef when it comes to campfire cooking. Charles offers to trade some of his fish for Nels so that the latter will have something for dinner. Meanwhile, the kids are showing their respective Ma’s the leaves they have collected. After Caroline sends her daughters to bed, we hear Willie telling Harriet about his extra special find. There is some bickering about sharing (Willie doesn’t want to, surprise) that catches Mary’s attention. She points out the poison ivy to Laura, who asks what they should do. “I think we better go to bed – NOW,” says Mary. Laura disagrees and suggests telling Pa. Mary thinks the best course of action is to say nothing, especially if the Olesons don’t end up touching the plant enough to get affected. We then see Harriet rubbing the leaves on her face. Horticulture FAIL.

The Camp-Out 2/5

I guess Charles reconsidered, because we now see him carrying Carrie and leading a horse down a trail with the rest of the traveling party following. Laura grabs some leaves from a bush and Nellie grabs some as well. Good strategy Nellie, go for the tie. Bringing up the rear are Nels, who appears to have packed the same way Waldo does, and Harriet, who is struggling to keep her balance while walking with a parasol. I have to wonder if Jennifer Saunders used this scene as inspiration for Edina Monsoon.

Nels and Sweetie Dah-ling reach a small mud creek. Nels hops over it with ease, but Harriet, who is also carrying the tea service, struggles with leaping. Apparently the umbrella was Harriet’s center of gravity as she falls backwards into the creek. Wah wah. She tries to save face as Nels helps her up.

As Charles enters a clearing, Caroline calls ahead and suggests that they take a break so the Olesons can catch up. Laura asks if she can go hunt for leaves and takes off to go search. When the Olesons finally arrive at the pit stop, Charles informs them that this is a non-elimination leg and they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other travelers. The Olesons look relieved.

Over in the foliage follies, Nellie instructs Willie to stick with Mary and to get two of everything that the Ingalls girl grabs. That way both the Oleson kids will have the same set of leaves. Nothing like a three-way tie. Mary tells Willie to bug off, but he refuses. After an unnecessary cutaway to Laura, Mary spots a plant that has three leaves. Her eyes bug but she doesn’t grab any of the leaves. Willie sees Mary’s p-p-p-poker face and runs over to collect the foliage. Mary tells him to stop, but he tells her the leaves are his. Oh, Laura was joining the scene, as she now tells the two that the pit stop is over.

Willie sticks his tongue out as he leaves. Once he’s gone, Laura chides her sister for letting Willie be a twerp. “He should be taught a lesson,” Laura says. “He will be,” Mary replies, “that was poison ivy.” Laura giggles after another close-up of the plant.

We see some snow-capped mountains. Umm, where are they exactly? The highest point in Minnesota is Eagle Mountain, but that’s only 2300 feet and next to Lake Superior. Walnut Grove is in the opposite corner of the state. Nice attention to detail, show. Anyway, we see the party arrive next to a flowing river (probably the Potomac or the Ohio) and everyone washes up. The kids run off to find more leaves, the women offer to set up camp, and Nels and Charles head off to go fishing.

The Camp-Out 1/5

Walnut Grove hasn’t changed much since our last visit: Kids still running down the hillside, the wagon still rolling into “The Town”, same old, same old. This episode begins in the school where Miss Beadle is hanging some pictures above the chalkboard. The chalkboard reads “HAppy HoliDAy”. I’m guessing Miss Beadle was an early adopter of MySpace. As the camera zooms in we see the pictures are of different types of leaves.

Miss Beadle acknowledges that the kids are probably excited about the yet-unnamed holiday that is approaching and she has decided that she will not assign any homework. The kids cheer, but Miss Beadle reminds them that their leaf collections are still due the first day back. Willie’s jaw drops just enough so you can fit a beach ball in his mouth. He says he already has his leaf collection. Since when did he become an overachiever? Miss Beadle says that’s fine, but the project still won’t be due until the kids get back.

Laura raises her hand and tells Miss Beadle and the class that the Ingalls family will be going on a camping trip. “We can get all kinds of leaves up in the hills,” she brags. Mary is beaming. Is there a question in there somewhere, Laura, or are you just showing off? Nellie thinks it’s the latter and announces that she thinks it’s unfair that they have access to exotic leaves while everyone else scrambles for the cheap-ass ones in Walnut Grove. Miss Beadle says it really isn’t a big deal. Mary asks, with severity in her voice, if they are going to be graded. Homegirl has her game face on. Miss Beadle says they will and that the best collection will go on display. She dismisses the class. As Laura leaves, she sees that Nellie has her game face on as well.

We join Harriet mid-chew as she kvetches about the Ingalls and their camping trip. “Giving their children an unfair advantage,” she forces through her full mouth. Lovely. Nellie adds to the whining before Nels is all like “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.” Harriet tells her husband to find out where the Ingalls will be camping and then follow along with kids in tow. Nels finds this incredibly tacky, but Harriet plays the “It’s a free country” card, or whatever the equivalent was back then. Why do they have to go to the same spot as the Ingalls family? Couldn’t they just go on their own camping trip and get their stupid leaves that way? Before the logic police start to gather, Harriet and Nellie do a tag team guilt trip about how Nels is allegedly a bad father. Nels counters with his concern about having to close up shop and losing business. Ooo, now it’s a tennis match! Harriet says she can take care of the store. Nels realizes that if Harriet sticks around Walnut Grove, then he gets a vacation from her. He decides to ride out to the Ingalls farm to find out where they are going.

Charles is either working on a chair or his pecs with some hand crank tool in the barn. Nels rides up and chit chats about fishing. He shows Charles his rod (not a euphemism) and Charles says he would love to try it out (still not a euphemism). Charles invites Nels and the kids to tag along, just as long as they don’t mind roughing it. Nels accepts the invitation.

The next day we see Carrie accepting a piece of candy from Nels in the Mercantile. As Caroline and Nels work out the bill, Harriet enters the room. Nels comes up with a total, but determines that the Olesons will use many of those provisions so he gives Caroline a huge discount. Harriet didn’t realize that Caroline was going on the trip also and she starts to reminisce about camping trips she went on when she was a child. Oh, her poor parents, I can just imagine. Caroline nods politely until Harriet says, “I wish I was going along.” Caroline’s eyes widen with panic and Nels rushes to change the subject. It doesn’t quite work, even when Nels reminds his wife about the store. Harriet muses some more as Caroline and Carrie leave.

That night, Nels puts out the lamp in the bedroom and tells his wife that he’ll try to be quiet when they leave tomorrow morning. She tells him not to worry because she is going to make them breakfast. And every meal on the trip. She rises out of bed and I cannot for the life of me figure out what is on her head. It looks like Coolio threw a tickertape parade on her scalp. I’m guessing she’s trying to curl her hair but it looks bizarre. Nels is shocked, not by the hair but by Harriet’s declaration that she will be camping with them. Nels tries every tactic he can think of to convince Harriet to stay but she won’t have any of it. Wah wah.

The next morning, Charles and the family are finishing packing up their stuff. The Olesons ride up and they chit chat about the beautiful weather. Charles offers to help unload the Oleson wagon and Harriet tells him she’ll take care of the package with the tea service. Why would you bring that? Caroline and Charles immediately know that the only person who would pack such a thing would be Harriet, so she must be coming along. Nels confirms this, so Charles and Caroline decide to have a confab in the barn. Charles says he will not go on the trip with Harriet Oleson. Caroline doesn’t like the situation either, but she does mention that Harriet is trying so hard to be nice so they should give her a chance. Charles mutters all Milton-like after Caroline leaves the barn to break the news that they won’t be going on the trip to her children.

The Wolves 1/5

A nausea-inducing dolly shot traveling over the prairie opens this week’s episode. The last time I went through that part of the country was back in 2001 and even then the vastness of the landscape was somewhat incredible. All that is in this portion of the vastness is a lone dog. Oh, and a sheep. The dog sees the sheep the same time we do and begins to chase after it. Suddenly a whole pack of dogs appear and the sheep is all like “uh oh” and starts to run away. I hope this whole episode isn’t a nature film because I am not in the mood. Long story short: the sheep doesn’t stand a chance. We see the lead dog lunge at the sheep then see Bandit running down a hillside. Interesting idea for a transition but it doesn’t quite match up.

The Garvey house is at the base of the hill. Laura and Andy are practicing the long jump for the Olympics that won’t be happening for another 23 years. Andy tells Laura her jump wasn’t too good, but his isn’t any better. He decides to invite his Ma to show her mad skillz. She declines, saying that she has laundry to do. The kids whine but Alice says she doesn’t have time for such “foolishness”. Jeez, lady, why don’t you just send your kid to the iron mines then? Laura challenges this notion, claiming that adults are dismissive of such activities so that they don’t have to prove that the kids are better at them. Alice takes the bait, but before she can embarrass herself Bandit arrives and distracts the kids. Laura assumes that Bandit is there to let her know that it is time to go home. Can a dog really be that well trained? My housemates’ dogs still freak out whenever I enter the room and they have had plenty of time to get used to me. After Laura leaves Andy asks his Ma if she is ready to jump, but since the girl is gone Alice has nothing to prove and sends her son inside to do homework. Once he is in, Alice decides to go for the jump. And lands square on her butt. Andy is quick to point out that his Ma didn’t get much distance either.

When Laura gets home she sees that Pa and Ma are finishing packing up for a weekend getaway or something. Ma is reminding Mary of all the things to take care of while they are away. Mary is in charge? This weekend is going to suck. Charles calls for Caroline as she kisses her daughters goodbye. Caroline mounts the wagon and the two of them are off. As soon as the wagon is out of sight the girls are all like “Toga! Toga! Toga! 1900!” Or they would be if I was writing this episode.

Jonathan is over at the Mercantile carefully examining pans. He puts the pan down for a nice reveal of an incredibly bored Mrs. Oleson. She asks him to make a decision because she has other work to do. For once I don’t think Harriet is being bitchy as I can imagine Jonathan Garvey taking several hours to decide between cast iron or Teflon. She tries to upsell but Jonathan finally decides on the economy model. The shop bell rings as a man enters the store. Hey, it’s Larabee! I didn’t realize he was a recurring character. He is not in the mood to chit chat with Jonathan and asks Harriet for some wolf traps. As Harriet goes to grab them, Jonathan tells Larabee there aren’t any wolves in the area. Larabee coldly says that two of his sheep were attacked and that Garvey should mind his own business.

Jonathan leaves and as soon as he is out the door Harriet thanks Larabee for talking down to Garvey. She takes Larabee to the store room and talks about the bad blood the two men had from their Kansas days. Ooo, back story. Also, this must have taken place before the barn burning. Larabee doesn’t engage with Harriet despite her Barbara Walters impersonation. Larabee takes a couple of traps and leaves. Nels enters the store room as Harriet comments on how mad Larabee was when he saw Jonathan. She lets on that Larabee believes that Garvey stole some furs. Nels stops what he is doing and says that the story is wrong. Harriet reminds her husband that Larabee’s story matches up with what he told the judge, but Nels points out that the actual crook was caught red handed. He goes on to say that Larabee is just mad because he was embarrassed by the situation and blames Jonathan. Harriet is all “whatevs” and says she still doesn’t trust Garvey. Nels is surprised and asks why. Harriet thinks for a moment and says it’s because he chews tobacco and spits. That I could actually get on board with – chaw is DISGUSTING.

The Election 3/5

What’s this? Nels is handling this week’s egg transaction? Oh, it’s Mary who brought the eggs instead of Caroline so Harriet’s cattiness is unnecessary. Anyway, Nels counts the eggs and starts some chit chat about Nellie’s upcoming party. He lists every fabulous aspect of the event but Mary just looks at her shoes. Nels supposes that every girl in the school is invited until Laura, who is browsing in the hip wader section, clarifies that the Ingalls girls did not receive an invite. Mary tries to be diplomatic by suggesting that maybe Nellie forgot, but Nels isn’t buying it and invites the girls. I don’t think they elect Secretaries of State in class elections, Mary. Laura is all “thanks, but no thanks,” and fibs that she and Mary have chores to do at the time of the party. Again, Nels isn’t buying it but he doesn’t press the point. The girls leave as Nels shakes his head in disappointment.

As the girls walk through town they pass by Elmer who is sitting on a bench near a tree. He greets them and they join their fellow candidate. Elmer observes that a number of girls are hanging out with Nellie in the Oleson’s yard. “Boss Nellie Tweed is at it again,” Laura says. Elmer doesn’t get the reference so Mary explains that Laura’s joke was a callback to Boss Tweed, a New York politician. Elmer is all like “oh,” which is fine: even if you get the reference Laura’s joke wasn’t funny. Laura goes on to accuse Nellie of stealing votes. Mary excuses the tactic by saying that Nellie is just having a party. That’s fair, considering the Ingalls girls are planning on doing the exact same thing. Elmer asks why Laura and Mary aren’t at the party. Laura begins to sulk as she explains why. Elmer says he hopes Mary wins but she replies that Elmer has a good chance to win also. The boy disagrees since he already suspects that this might be another Koel prank in the making. Laura reminds Elmer that he can vote for himself, but he believes that one vote doesn’t mean much. Tell that to Paul Metzler. The conversation reaches another awkward lull, so Laura uses the opportunity to say that she and Mary need to go home.

Back at the Dobkins’ house, Ma is mending a shirt while Pa is looking through some papers. Ma mentions that a squirrel that Elmer is caring for is about to give birth while Pa is complaining about the price of seed. The conversation starts to focus on how Elmer is better with animals than with people, which Ma thinks is a good thing but Pa is not so sure. Somehow this circles back to their concerns about the election. Ma is still supportive of the idea and is going to fix up a shirt for her son for election day. Pa suggests using one of his old shirts and trimming it down for Elmer’s size. Oh good, it sounds like Pa is coming around to the idea. Yay!

Breakfast time at the Homestead. Pa asks Laura who is coming to the election party. Laura says everyone except Nellie and Willie is invited. Pa, surprisingly, is in favor of the turnabout/fair play ratio. He goes on to say that he suspects that these election tactics are setting the stage for an Elmer win. Pa explains the math and Mary is less than ecstatic about this revelation. Laura asks what they can do to rectify this situation but Pa is all like “uh, you’re stuck, monkey butt.” I’m paraphrasing.

Later on, Laura and Mary are leaving the storage house with ears of corn as they see Elmer approaching the house. They run down to meet him. There’s some awkward chit chat before Elmer asks if the girls are expecting a lot of guests. He goes on to explain that there was a group of girls ahead of him on the road but they got intercepted by Nellie and Willie who had free candy available. Laura accuses Nellie of buying votes again. Uh, Half-pint, what exactly was your plan with all those ears of corn again? Elmer assures the girls that not everyone is going to vote for Nellie but Laura doesn’t seem convinced. They are still going to have their party regardless of the turn out.

We join Mary and Laura in the barn with Pa. He is polishing a saddle as Mary works on her campaign speech. They toss around some campaign promise ideas. Laura asks if it is even possible to keep all the promises one makes and Pa tells her it isn’t very likely. Mary asks if that is kind of like lying but Pa corrects her by saying it is lying. Hmmm, yes and no. Most campaign promises are actually framed as goals (except for the ones stupidly beginning with the phrase “I promise to…”). If you set a goal and fail to meet it, that is not a lie. Either way, Mary is quickly becoming a fifth party candidate in a three way race. Laura asks if candidates call each other names because she has a few good ones for Nellie. Pa gives Laura a warning not to head down that path. Pa sends the girls to bed. On the way out, Mary says she is going to list the things she thinks would make the school better and make a speech. Yeah, long lists always make great speeches.

The next day at recess the girls are jumping rope while Kenny and Joel kick around some kids on the teeter-totter. Joel then spots Elmer off by himself by the schoolhouse steps. The boys get stupid smiles on their stupid faces and head over to torment the boy. Joel asks Elmer how he is going to win the election. Joel tells Elmer to get on the see-saw stump (say that three times fast) and make a speech. Elmer isn’t interested, but his self-appointed campaign managers grab him and force him onto the stage. As the candidate is dragged to the center of the crowd, Pa Dobkins happens to be driving by and watches what is happening to his son. Joel and Kenny keep jostling the boy as they make a bunch of promises of the “eat one worm for every vote” variety. But what about tort reform? Social security? What is his stance on human/animal hybrids? These are the questions that need answers! Before those questions can even be asked, Miss Beadle exits the school and tells the boys to stop. She asks what they are doing and Joel says they’re campaigning. Miss Beadle tells them to stop and ends recess. Way to go, jerks. As the kids file inside, Pa Dobkins hangs his head and drives away.

The Election 1/5

A wide shot of a hillside opens this episode as we watch a boy traipsing along the crest. He slows down as he approaches a tree and begins to crouch towards the ground. He’s found a baby bird struggling in the grass. Fortunately the bird has developed a little bit so it isn’t those ugly slimy creatures that you sometimes see splattered on pavement. The boy looks up and sees the nest that the bird must have called home a few minutes earlier. The boy climbs the tree and places the bird in the nest and tells a nearby bird that he didn’t hurt the chick before he continues on his trek. We don’t see if the mama bird nudges the chick out of the nest again.

The kids are playing outside before school begins and there are a couple of older boys, one with dark hair and one with red hair, running around interfering with everyone’s activities. The boys end up wrestling over by the school house until they notice the Birdman of Walnut Grove approaching. “Did you bring ‘em?” the dark haired boy asks the redhead. The kid says yes but he isn’t in the mood to get into trouble. “Aw, you fret too much,” dark hair says. When was the last time you heard anyone under the age of 18 use the term “fret”? Anyway, the redhead produces an earthworm for dark hair. The boys walk up to the arriving kid and greet him by the name of Elmer. Dark hair says to Elmer, “open your mouth and close your eyes and I’ll give you something to make you wise.” Ooh, a remix (I’m used to the “big surprise” version). Elmer obliges and promptly gets a mouthful of worm. The boys laugh as Mary and Laura look on, scandalized. Elmer tries to rationalize that worms aren’t so horrible to accidentally ingest, but no one is really buying it. The redhead then dives behind Elmer so that dark hair can push the kid over him. Hmmm, Elmer needs to work on his reflexes.

As the twerps run away, Laura jogs over to help Elmer. “If I were you I’d give them both black eyes,” Laura advises. Elmer says that fighting isn’t very Christian like (um, YMMV) to which Laura responds “Oh, I’d do unto ‘em” while brandishing her fist. I do enjoy feisty Laura. Elmer seems a bit blasé about feistiness, claiming that the boys are his friends. Almost immediately the redhead calls over saying “Elmer is the dumbest kid in Walnut Grove.” See, friendly. Yeesh.

Inside the school Miss Beadle announces that during civics class that afternoon there will be nominations for class president. There is some excited chatter after this announcement until the redhead, Kenny, raises his hand and declares that the girls don’t get to vote since women don’t get to vote. Yeah, I can just imagine a progressive like Emma Beadle not allowing females to vote. Shut up, Kenny. Fortunately, since women in 1876 could vote in Wyoming, that will be the precedent Miss Beadle will use to justify the female vote. Some of the boys actually start booing while Nellie screams “And we’ll win!” Sing it Sister Suffragette! Oh, she goes on to say that it is simply a numbers game since there are more girls than boys in the class. Still, you gotta find progress where you can.

During recess we see Nellie and Willie run over to the Mercantile. Inside we see a close-up of the jelly bean canister getting emptied and pull out to find that it is Harriet and not Nellie doing the emptying. She asks her daughter if that will be enough but Nellie mentions that a couple of the girls are partial to sour balls. Willie tries to cash in on the candy giveaway, but Harriet says no way since he is going to vote for his sister anyway. Willie is all “nuh-uh”, so Harriet gives in and fulfills his candy requests.

At this point Nels comes down the stairs and tells the kids to stop raiding the candy. Harriet says it’s alright before sending the kids back to school. “You know what the dentist in Mankato said and I paid dearly for the words,” Nels reminds his wife. Harriet explains that the candy is merely a contribution to her daughter’s political campaign. Harriet leaves to check on the roast in the oven and Nels starts to mumble something about the kids borrowing Harriet’s teeth. Harriet asks if he said something and he bluffs his way out by saying something about the roast being a good piece of beef. Hehe.

Back at school it is nomination time. “We’re going to hold our election just like the national election, the one that gave us Rutherford B. Hayes for our new president,” Miss Beadle explains. Oh jeez. I truly doubt that she is going to establish an Electoral College in the classroom so already it won’t be like the national election. Also, the election of 1876 was a political wrangling nightmare. First off, Samuel Tilden, the Democratic candidate, won the popular vote. However, results were disputed in four states – three of which were in the South (including Florida) where Reconstruction was the status quo. The validation of electoral results had to be determined by congressional committee. This resulted in the Compromise of 1877 which included bringing what some historians believe was the premature end to Reconstruction. Have I mentioned yet that this era of American history (the Gilded Age) is my favorite? Also, if you ever find yourself on I-80/I-90 between Cleveland and Toledo, I highly recommend the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center (exit 91).

So yeah, nominations. Miss Beadle opens the floor and Willie instantly nominates his sister. It takes a while for anyone to second the nomination and Nellie has to “psst” one of the girls sucking on a sour ball to do so. Miss Beadle writes Nellie’s name on the board. Nellie then proposes to close nominations. The class erupts into angry chatter before Miss Beadle calmly reminds her that more than one candidate is needed for an election. Kenny turns around and slaps the blond boy sitting behind him to remind him to nominate someone. This kid, Jim, nominates Mary. Mary is quietly surprised while Laura is ecstatic about this development. Another boy seconds the nomination. After Mary’s name is on the board, Kenny nominates Elmer Dobkins. All the kids laugh as dark hair seconds the nomination. “We need one boy to run against the girls,” one of the pranksters says. Hmmm, I wonder if Elmer’s slogan will be “Choo-choo-choose me!”

Bunny 5/5

That night Charles is in the barn working on a project of some sort. There’s not much light in this scene but it looks like it might be a wheelchair. Laura comes in dressed in her pajamas. Pa asks her what she is up to and Laura says she wanted to say good night. After they hug, Laura inspects the Pa's project. He confirms that it is a wheelchair that he is fixing up. I hope he does something about the seat back because it is worn through to the point that it is framing Laura in the shot. We can see through the busted wicker that Laura is a little freaked out by the wheelchair concept. “But she doesn’t need a wheelchair,” she claims. Pa pauses before responding, “Half-pint, we don’t know that.” Laura calls no waysies based on the fact that she prays to God every night that Nellie will get better. Pa tries to begin rebutting this point (I would start with “even God has limitations when it comes to Nellie Oleson”) but Laura flat out denies her father. “God’ll fix everything,” Laura says as she inches toward the door with a tear rolling down her face. “You wait and see.” The Melodramatic Piano of the Dentist Office Waiting Room music begins to play as Pa calls out for his daughter.

The next morning Charles ties the chair to Doc Baker’s wagon. They chit chat a bit before Caroline comes outside to greet the Doc. She invites him to the picnic that the Ingalls family will be hosting that afternoon, but he has to decline the invitation. “Folks around here seem dead-set on getting sick whenever the fish are biting,” he quips before taking off.

Charles walks over to his wife and asks if Laura has changed her mind about going to the picnic. Caroline says she hasn’t, so Charles offers to ask one more time. Inside the house Laura is working on an assignment. Pa enters and tells his daughter that the family is leaving. She tells him to have a good time and continues to work. Pa starts to say something, but Laura interrupts him again to say that she doesn’t feel like fishing anyway. Pa makes a frowny face then leaves.

Over at the Oleson house, the wheelchair is set up in the parlor and Doc Baker is carrying Nellie down the stairs. That girl has huge feet. Her nightgown is robin’s egg blue – a color that does not do her any favors. Doc Baker sets the girl down in the chair and she is instantly enthralled with the new digs. Harriet is being a, well, nervous Nellie, and I’m not sure if it is because of the second-hand nature of the chair or because her daughter is supposedly an invalid. Doc Baker tells Nellie how to work the chair and also reports that her arm splint will be able to come off in a couple of days. Nellie does a couple of donuts in the parlor (we see that some sort of patch was put on the wicker) while Harriet continues to fidget. Nellie seems pretty satisfied with her new toy and asks when her father will be back. Harriet reports that he should be back this afternoon when he and Willie return from Springfield with the new doll house. Doc Baker calls his patient a lucky girl and then heads out the door.

Harriet thanks Doc Baker for his service and says she will have to ride out to the Ingalls’ place to thank Charles in person. Once the door is closed, Nellie suggests to her mother that she ride out now. Harriet says she can’t leave Nellie alone, but the girl says she can take care of herself. She goes on to say that she can watch the store and that the customers can take down any items that are out of reach. Harriet is still reluctant until Nellie whines “Pleeeeease?” Harriet calls her daughter “brave”. You know who dislikes that sort of terminology? Disabled people. She then decides to head out. As soon as the front door is closed, Nellie hops up from her seat, runs to close the door to the Mercantile, jumps, and does a jig. Seriously?

We join Harriet as she rides up to the Ingalls homestead. Laura is in the stable and has Bunny all saddled up. She’s telling the horse that they’ll go for a ride so that they both won’t be cooped up all day. Harriet walks by the barn and stops once she sees the animal inside. “Where did you get that horse?” she demands. Laura acknowledges that she has been hiding the horse and Harriet jumps to the conclusion that that is why Laura has been so nice to Nellie. I guess since guilt is a concept unfamiliar to Harriet, this would be the next logical conclusion to reach. Laura denies Harriet’s reconstruction of the scenario but it is irrelevant since Harriet says she will take the horse with her. Laura screams “No!” and hops on the horse. Her stunt double rides the horse as fast as possible into town.

The stunt double arrives at the Oleson’s place. Laura dismounts and peeks through the window. Well, well, it looks like Nellie asked her doll to the Sadie Hawkins dance and they are getting their waltz on in the parlor. The filming switches to voyeur-cam as Laura sees the action between the curtains. Laura backs away from the window when she realizes that she has been scammed. She knocks on the door, causing Nellie to slam the music box shut and hop into her chair. However, Nellie’s nightgown gets caught under her right foot causing the fabric to tent. Aside from the almost instant continuity error, wouldn't Nellie realize that there is no way for that to happen and therefore fix it before telling whoever is knocking to “come in”? Check-minus, show -- do a second take next time.

Anyway, Laura opens the door and asks Nellie what she is doing. Nellie says she is watching the store for mother. Laura says she just saw Nellie’s mother and that she was asked to take Nellie outside for some fresh air. Laura is all catatonic as she is delivering her lines, which Nellie doesn’t seem to notice. Laura pushes the girl out the door. Hmm, another error: how did Laura get Nellie down from the porch when there’s no ramp? Laura is jogging behind Nellie and tells her she needs to pick up speed to get up the hill. Nellie is getting rather nervous at this point. They reach the top of the hill near the mill and Laura claims she has to take a breather. Nellie is all "whatever" at this point, mainly because she is somewhat powerless to extract herself from this situation. Laura starts to ramble about how her life has changed after the accident, causing Nellie to ask if she is alright. Laura wonders why she would ask that. “You just seem to be acting funny,” Nellie replies. No, more like acting poorly.

Just then, Mrs. Oleson rides into town and Laura notices the wagon. She stands up and calls for Mrs. Oleson’s attention. Harriet stops, looks up and yells “Laura Ingalls, what have you done with that filthy animal?” Laura runs behind the chair saying, “Nellie, your mother wants you!” She then pushes Nellie’s chair down the hill. Nellie starts to scream, most likely because she is in a situation where she could ACTUALLY BE KILLED. WTF, Half-pint? “You’re such a good friend, Nellie!” Laura says smiling. Nellie and her stunt dummy make it all the way to the bottom of the hill but the chair hits a rock causing Nellie to flip over and land in some water. Harriet is shocked that her daughter is soaking wet but rather subdued for someone who might have just seen her daughter being murdered. Nellie stands up and whines and sobs about being soaked. Harriet sees this as a miracle and swoons backwards out of her wagon. Jeezy creezy, this is so cliché and stupid.

Back at the Oleson house, Laura is pacing outside as Bunny stands off to the side. Nels comes outside and Laura asks if Nellie will be alright. He says yes and says he doesn’t blame Laura for wanting to scare his daughter. He acknowledges that Nellie may be more in the wrong here than Laura. I have to disagree. Laura was stubborn and a doormat in dealing with the Nellie situation but her reaction was a little bit over the top and not quite justified. Whatever, if Nels is okay calling it zero sum, that’s his business. He then surprises Laura by giving her the horse. “An animal is no different than a person,” he says, “it needs to be with someone who loves it.” Sure, why not? Laura’s stunt double rides down the street a bit before running into Jason. Laura asks if he would like to join her and Pa on their next fishing trip. He agrees and they head out.

Nellie watches this scene unfold from her bedroom window and she is not happy. “I HATE YOU LAURA!” she screams (and repeats) as she begins to trash her room. She throws her doll against the wall then gets in a pillow fight with a vase of flowers on her desk. After throwing some books, she grabs a hairbrush and sets her sights on the new doll house. As she gets all smashy smashy on the roof, Willie barges in and tells her to stop. “Don’t break that stuff, give it to me,” he says. Nellie keeps swinging as she calmly says “it’s girl stuff.” Willie says he could sell it, but his sister turns around and she has this look in her eyes that seems to suggest that he will be the next smashy smashy target if he doesn’t leave the room. After Willie runs out, Nellie grabs a horse figurine and says, “I’ll fix you, Laura Ingalls. I’ll fix you.” She throws the horse at a framed needlepoint picture of Harriet. Girlfriend should go to Charm School.

Bunny 2/5

The next day Pa takes Laura to the Mercantile. As Charles gets out of the wagon, Doc Baker exits the store. They greet one another and Doc Baker updates Nellie's condition: no change. Pa pushes for a prognosis, but Doc Baker is unsure of what to expect. But hey, that's what makes being a town doctor exciting, eh? Speaking of, Doc Baker leaves to take care of other patients. Pa tells Laura it's time to go inside, but Laura tries to resist. Pa says he understands how she feels, but she really does have to go inside. Besides, I doubt Harriet will do anything to Laura if Pa is around. But hey, that's what makes dealing with the town crackpot exciting, eh?

The Ingalls enter the store and we see Nels in the storeroom coping with the situation. Charles says hello and Nels instantly pulls himself together. They chat a bit about what Doc Baker had to say, with Nels adding that Nellie is being brave about the situation. Nels also jokes that Nellie's appetite has been unaffected -- she ate a box and a half of bonbons just that morning. Nels says he is holding up but it's Harriet he is concerned about. Charles explains that part of his visit is to tell Nels about the horse, but Mr. Oleson is already aware of the situation and is okay with that solution for now. Charles apologizes that Laura had no right to take the animal, but Nels disagrees saying that Laura had every right since the animal was not at fault. Guh, if this act is going to just reiterate that point again and again, I'm just going to stop right now. Anyway, Nels asks Charles not to mention the status of the horse around Harriet since she thinks the horse just ran away.

During this entire exchange, the camera keeps cutting back to a guilt-stricken Laura. Eventually Nels apologizes for all of the horrible things that were said the day before. He also tells her that Nellie was asking about Laura and wanted to see her when she got a chance. "Maybe I should wait until she's feeling better," Laura says quietly. Nels says Nellie asked this morning, so she should go visit. Pa agrees, so Laura heads upstairs.

Nellie is in bed eating candy when there is a knock on the door. She quickly hides her treats and asks who is at the door. Laura announces herself and Nellie asks her to come in. Harriet is in the room too, so I'm not sure why Nellie was panicky when there was a knock. Laura enters as a cat running across a piano provides the background music. Harriet is still in a snit so she exits and closes the door behind her. Nellie invites Laura to sit on her bedside then asks what it is like outside. Laura says it's a fine morning. "That's what I miss the most," says Nellie. "Seeing the sun, the blue sky, hearing the birds sing." Honey, it's been a day. Also, you have a window. "I guess I'll have to get used to it," she adds. Okay, that point I'll give you. Laura begs Nellie not to say that and Nellie gives her a hug and says "I forgive you." Laura says she wants to help Nellie and do whatever she can. Uh oh -- Nellie's got that look in her blackened eye.

Nellie says that since she will never be able to go to school again ("It would take a miracle") she would like Laura to bring her assignments home so she doesn't fall behind. Why would she need to keep up if she is not expecting to go to school ever again? I realize that most people would do that to hedge their bets, but Nellie doesn't seem like the type. Anyway, Laura says she will and Nellie calls her "such a good friend," the second time in as minutes. Nellie then has a pain of some sort and claims to need to close her eyes and rest for a moment. I think she's just trying to get Laura out of there. I should try that at work some time. Laura leaves for school. As soon as the bedroom door is closed, Nellie pulls up her foot and starts to rub it. Laura must have made it fall asleep with where she was sitting. Hey, wait a minute...

Bunny 1/5

Laura is running across a field and grabs a bright red apple from a tree. She doesn't stop until she reaches a corral where a black horse is hanging out. Laura gives the horse the apple and says she doesn't have time to chat. The horse doesn't seem too broken up by this revelation. Laura continues down the road into town, dropping some books along the way. She retrieves them and moseys on to school. As the horse finishes the apple, we see that this episode was written and directed by Michael Landon. That's always a sign that some really bud stuff is going to go down in Walnut Grove this week.

Laura runs into school, throws off her hat and lunch pail, and then scrambles to her seat. She apologizes to Miss Beadle who asks why Laura was late when Mary was on time. "I had to stop by Simpson's orchard to get an apple for someone," the girl replies. Miss Beadle is touched by the sentiment and thanks Laura. Laura sheepishly corrects Miss Beadle, saying that the apple was for someone else. Nellie announces that the apple was for a horse. The class laughs while Mary rolls her eyes. Miss Beadle tells Laura that she should do her gift giving after school from now on. She then gives the class some time to review some spelling words before an oral exam. The school/church/playhouse is also a dentist office? Oh, wait, I get it.

Nellie leans forward and whispers to Laura to stop feeding her horse. Laura says the horse likes apples, but Nellie doesn't care since the horse is not Laura's anymore. "You only do it because you want her to like you more than she likes me," Nellie says. Laura smiles and says to Nellie, "so that's why you give Miss Beadle apples." Miss Beadle notices the chatter and asks Laura why she is talking instead of working. Laura tells her that Nellie was explaining why she gives apples to the teacher.

After school, Mary is reprimanding Laura about the talking incident from earlier. Really? Nothing else happened at school that day? As they walk home, Laura shares her regret about trading the horse to Mr. Oleson. Mary reminds her that the trade got a stove for Ma. Laura is just disappointed that Nellie is treating the horse so poorly. As the girls walk by the Oleson Corral, Nellie is on top of the horse and is continuously lashing it with her whip. The horse is not a fan and Laura notices this. Laura reaches out to pet the horse's face, but Nellie tells her to back off as she lashes the horse some more. "Don't do that!" Laura commands. But Nellie just does as she damn well pleases saying, "I know how to handle a horse," and continues to thwack it. The horse has had enough and busts out of the corral. Laura screams for Bunny, the horse, to come back. The horse runs up a hill into a wooded area and Nellie gets hit with a tree branch right across the face. She flies off the horse as the girls continue to run after both of them. When they reach Nellie she is unresponsive. Mary goes to get Doc Baker.

Nellie is still unconscious during the examination. She has been moved to her bedroom and Doc Baker looks a tad grim after he examines her eyes. The Ingalls girls watch along with Nels and Harriet. Nels asks if the Doc knows anything yet, but all he can report is that Nellie has a slight concussion. Harriet is horrified by the news. She asks why she won't wake up, and the Doc says although the concussion is slight, the hit to the head was rather significant. Nels asks about Nellie's arm and Doc Baker says he'll get a splint on it just in case there is a slight break. Harriet asks Nels why he let Nellie keep the horse but Nels isn't too worried about his daughter. Since Nels won't engage, Harriet turns on Laura, saying it was her horse and that she should have said it was dangerous. Seriously, lady? That's like saying "how was I supposed to know that this gun shot bullets?" Nels cuts in and says it was an accident, but Harriet believes that the horse deliberately ran her daughter into a tree. Either way, how would that be Laura's fault? Harriet says the horse should get snuffed, but Laura says it wasn't the horse's fault. "I know where the fault lies, Laura Ingalls," starts Mrs. Oleson. "You traded a vicious animal because you wanted to get rid of it for a stove that cost a great deal of money." I realize a lot of this is just the anger talking, but it takes two to trade, Harriet. An "as is" sale is an "as is" sale. Nels tells his wife to calm down, but she continues to threaten the Ingalls girl.

Meanwhile, Nellie wakes up and calls out for her mother. Both her parents go to her side as Doc Baker tells the patient that she gave everyone quite a scare. Laura is relieved as is Mary. The Doc asks how Nellie feels but she says she doesn't know, just that she feels strange. Doc Baker asks for some clarification and Nellie says she can't feel her legs. Harriet gives Doc Baker a look that seems to say "You broke my daughter!" but the Doc cordially offers to do a little test. He pulls out a needle and Nellie gets all kinds of nervous. Doc Baker says it won't hurt and Nellie should speak up if she feels anything. Wouldn't it "not hurting" be a bad thing in this scenario? Anyway, he pokes the tip of Nellie's toe and asks if she feels anything. She says no, so Doc Baker pokes other toes and parts of her feet. She doesn't give any sort of response, but I have to wonder if maybe she has managed to psych herself out of feeling anything. Doc Baker really should poke the center of her sole, but he doesn't. Instead he asks if she can move her legs and Nellie says she can't in the most matter of fact way possible. Harriet is devastated by this news and Nels consoles her. Doc Baker says it should only be a temporary condition. Really?

The Ingalls girls watch this unfold, Mary looking stern and resolute while Laura looks like she is about to start panicking any moment. Harriet, mid-sob, tells Nels to go downstairs and shoot the horse. Nels tries to reason with his wife, but she says she'll shoot the horse if he won't. She then turns to Laura and says "I hope you're happy Laura Ingalls, now that you have made my little girl crippled." Everybody is a little offended by the statement, though I think it is almost fitting that Harriet get thrust into such a situation. With all of her fat-phobia, deaf-phobia, and classist bullshit she has spewed over the years, it's about time some real life hit her. Doc Baker tells Mrs. Oleson that no one is to blame and that she is jumping to conclusions. Before he can finish, Harriet interrupts to say, "Well, make her walk, Doctor." She then turns to her daughter and instructs her to walk. "I can't, mother," Nellie says, the way one would say "I'll mow the lawn this afternoooooon."

Harriet begins to sob and yell. "You get out of my house, Laura Ingalls. And don't you ever come back here again." She then tells Nels to "put that animal to sleep." I think she meant the horse, but Laura runs out of the room with Mary chasing after her. Laura runs all the way down to the stable and starts to cry just outside of Bunny's stall. Mary tells Laura it isn't her fault, but Laura believes that it is. Laura claims it isn't Bunny's fault because the horse didn't know any better. Laura mounts Bunny and Mary asks what she is doing. Laura says she needs to take the horse so the Olesons won't kill it. Mary shouts after her sister when she rides out of the stable.

At the homestead, Caroline looks a little stressed as Charles contemplates at the mantle. She starts to say something, but Charles snaps "I looked every place; we're just going to have to wait." Jeez, a little touchy there. There is the sound of a horse's whinny, which causes both Ma and Pa to go outside. Laura has returned with the horse. Caroline hugs her daughter as Laura explains that she wanted to hide Bunny but didn't know where to go. Charles says he'll put Bunny up in the barn and tells Laura to go inside. She asks her Pa not to let anyone hurt Bunny. Okay, show, I think we have the basic theme here, can we move along please?

Fight, Team, Fight 1/5

Generic marching band music plays in the background as we see someone looking through old newspaper clippings about football. The name Ellerbee keeps popping up, so I think it is safe to assume that he is the one who is reminiscing. One headline reads "'Big Rock' Crushes Princeton Defense" and above it is either an artist rendering of the event or a captionless "Far Side" comic. If it's the latter, it isn't very funny. The camera moves so that we see over Ellerbee's shoulder. A voice off camera says "Pete, it's getting late," so the man closes the album and rises from his seat. He walks over to a shelf and replaces the album. On top of the shelf is a trophy with a football resting in its cup. Pete grabs the football in such a way that for a second I think he is about to start making out with it. Ick, he licked his lips!

Before things get hot and heavy, Pete exits the room and joins his wife and son at the breakfast table. He mentions that he likes the study in this house better than the one in Boston. The son, Dan, finishes scribbling on a piece of paper and shows it to his mom. It's a decent drawing of a horse and Mrs. Ellerbee praises it. She hands the drawing to her husband saying, "our son has quite a talent." Pete puts down his coffee and replies, "too bad it doesn't extend to football." Alright then, guess we can check "exposition" off the to-do list. The parents have a passive-aggressive back-and-forth that pretty much boils down to "Daddy Issues". Oy, I'm recapping this through YouTube and the syndicated version was kind enough to bypass this. Anyway, Pete believes that moving back to Minnesota might help the boy "toughen up". I hope that wasn't your only reason for moving a thousand miles in the 1870's, particularly moving from bustling Boston to ho-hum Hero Township. Mrs. Ellerbee looks a bit sad as she watches this entire interaction between the males.

Meanwhile at the line of scrimmage, Albert is calling out tonight's lottery numbers as he waits for Willie to hike the ball. Albert takes the ball and runs into the resulting scrum. He then kind of rolls along the side of the commotion. It's weird to watch because there's a lot of people pushing against one another but no one trying to knock other people down. It's like one side is getting off a train while the other side is getting on. Ha, somehow Willie got trampled -- that's just sad. Albert is able to run the ball into the end zone as Nels, Pete and Dan watch from the sidelines. Pete says Albert has some potential and Nels agrees. Mr. Oleson calls Albert over to introduce him to the new people. For whatever reason Dan is wearing an ill-fitting cardigan along with ill-fitting pants -- it's really distracting. Mr. Ellerbee congratulates Albert on his last play before Nels introduces Dan. He mentions that Dan used to play football so Albert invites him to join the game. The boys run off just as Harriet starts screeching for Nels to join her at the school board meeting. Mr. Ellerbee follows Nels to the meeting.

We join in mid-meeting as Nels reports that new textbooks will be ordered soon. Wow, this is a well-attended meeting. There must be...eleven people here. Of course the only ones I recognize are Ellerbee, the Olesons and Charles. Laura's there too, but that's because school is about to resume once the meeting is over. The last item on the agenda is Mr. Oleson introducing Mr. Ellerbee. He shares a story about how "Big Rock" made Rutgers a powerhouse team while Nels quivered on Princeton's third string. Wait a minute, Nels went to Princeton? Why did he come back to Walnut Grove? I guess the writers wanted to establish some historical foundation since the first recorded football game was between Rutgers and Princeton. Ooo! Anachronism! Princeton was "The College of New Jersey" until 1896. Um, anyway, Nels finishes his anecdote and leads the crowd in a round of applause. Pete stands and tells the assembly that he decided to move back after retiring from a successful business. He thanks Nels for the kind words and then goes into a soliloquy about football. "Football is more than just a game: it's something that shapes a man's character and builds his confidence. Maybe no more than other life experiences but certainly among the very best." Eh. He then goes on to volunteer his services as a football coach. Everyone is floored by this. I'm just confused: who are they going to play? Isn't Sleepy Eye a day's journey away? Nels is more than happy to pass on the coaching duties and leads the group once again in a round of applause. "On to victory!" Ellerbee awkwardly says as you can see the air inflating his head. Oh dear.

Full disclosure time. If you can't tell by now, I'm not much of a football fan. My alma mater, Oberlin College, has an interesting football history. John Heisman, who the trophy is named after, was the coach at Oberlin in 1892 and 1894. The school is also the last Ohio school to beat Ohio State in a football game (way back in the early 1921). Then things went downhill. We had the longest losing streak in the country that spanned several years. At some point we won a game and immediately followed it with a new, longer losing streak that didn't end until my freshman year (including a game where we played against Swarthmore who also had an endless losing streak). The team has had a handful of wins each season since, but you won't be seeing us in any championships any time soon. However, I have been a coach for the last four years -- though my sport is bowling. Anyway, this isn't about me, so let's get back to the story.

Time for the first official practice under Coach Ellerbee. The boys are sitting on the ground in a line as Ellerbee walks in front of them giving a speech. "I can't promise you a championship what I can promise you is to teach you how to win and that's the hardest grueling work you'll ever know if you've got it in you you can become a winner but only if winning becomes the most important thing in your life that's right I said THE most important you have to become totally dedicated totally committed and totally fit if any of you can't handle that you can leave right now." (Willie does not stand up -- I lose that bet.) One of the challenges I have as a coach is giving speeches like this. First of all, I like punctuation so I think I lose a lot of the emphasis by insisting on using periods and commas. Also, maybe it is my own philosophy getting in the way, but I don't necessarily believe that you can teach someone how to win. I think you can teach someone how to set goals and how to frame what you consider a win, but a number of those outcomes involve factors that the athlete has no control over. Anyway, Ellerbee asks if the boys want to be winners and he keeps asking until he gets what he considers to be an appropriately enthusiastic "yes". It reminds me of what I wanted to do at our last bowling tournament this season. At the trophy presentation at this year's Super Bowl, Pittsburgh's coach shouted "STEELERS FOOTBALL IS SIXTY MINUTES!" I really wanted to crib that and say to my team "OBERLIN BOWLING IS TEN FRAMES!" but I honestly think I would have lost all the credibility I have built up these past few years.

Once Ellerbee gets an appropriate response, he starts the team on drills. Montage! Running! Propping up Albert's ego! A makeshift version of those things football players push around! Blocking! Punt returns! Woo! Ellerbee wasn't too satisfied with that last one. After he blows his whistle at the end of the play, he runs over to Dan and grabs him by the arms. I thought he was about to go all Bobby Knight on his son, but Pete just gets in Dan's face to tell him he is kicking the ball too low. Dan apologizes, but Pete isn't finished. "Do you think because you're an Ellerbee makes you special? You're wrong: it does. It means you have to work twice as hard as everybody else." Man, what a shitty proposition. Dan actually has to think about his response before he goes with the correct "Yes, sir." Ellerbee sends his son back into play. Albert, who was watching, seems really disappointed with what just transpired.

Country Girls 5/5

Later that night, Charles rolls over in bed and notices that Caroline is not there. He wakes up and calls out for his wife. She peeks into the bedroom from the common room and apologizes for leaving the light on as she continued to work on her dress. He suggests that she should turn in, but Caroline wants to finish her project first. Charles goes back to sleep.

The next morning the family gathers for breakfast. Once Laura and Mary are downstairs and have greeted their Pa, Ma walks out of the kitchen holding two small dresses made of the blue fabric. The girls are pleasantly surprised. Ma tells the girls that her brown dress is just fine and that they should wear something nice if they are going to speak in front of a group of people. Mary says they wouldn't have minded wearing their calicoes, but Ma says she would have minded and tells her daughters to enjoy their new clothes. Laura hugs Ma before going upstairs with Mary to change. Charles tells Caroline "you're quite a woman." Aw. Then Carrie says "I'm a new freezer, daddy(?)". Sure, why not, I'm too lazy to figure out the closed captioning on my TV.

Wow, they really packed the people into the school for a bunch of elementary school speeches. Our first speaker is a six year old who likes horses. "I like riding horse more than I like...more than I like...I like riding horses." I don't think he wrote this. Either that or his handwriting is so bad that he can't decipher his own notes. I will give the adults credit for being very polite while listening to the monotone delivery that only a six year old can provide.

Next up, Nellie Oleson. Yeesh, lilac is not her color. Anyway, her speech is titled "My Home" and it reads like one of those televised real estate listings you see on Sunday mornings for condos that you would never want to live in and would not be able to afford if you did. Shortly after the speech begins, the boy sitting behind Laura raises his hand, but Miss Beadle gives him a stern look. As Nellie is prattling on about the various china collections, the class starts to giggle at the boy. Nellie pauses and narrows her eyes before continuing. The class continues to giggle as the boy continues to wave towards Miss Beadle. She eventually nods and the boy runs out of the room. Oh, he needed to use the outhouse. Harriet, who is dressed in her Mommie Dearest collection, is not amused. Nellie continues bragging about everything her family owns and we see just how bored the audience is. The only ones who aren't bored are Harriet, who is pleased with the oratory, and Nels, who looks rather uncomfortable. He continues to look at the floor shame-faced as Nellie finishes her speech and the room politely applauds.

Let's see if Laura can top that. Her essay is titled "My Mother". She begins by telling the crowd that Mary's essay is all about their Pa but that their Ma is a hard worker as well. Laura lists all the day-to-day activities that Caroline does and how important those tasks are. Laura then recalls an anecdote about a time when she took ill and Ma stayed by her side all night. Caroline appears to be getting a little verklempt. Laura also shares the story about the dresses and Ma is finally moved to tears. Aw. Also, it appears that Laura got over whatever anxiety she was experiencing the night before -- her delivery was almost professional. I call no waysies.

Once the speeches are over the town exits the school. Nels is behind Charles as and he tells Mr. Ingalls that "you are a lucky man." Charles thanks him before Harriet calls over to her husband. "Very lucky," Nels reiterates. Mary asks her parents what they thought of her essay and they both compliment her work. Ma notices Laura has wandered off and goes to join her daughter. She thanks Laura for her kind words, but then decides to bust her. That's gratitude. Laura tells her Ma that what she said on stage is what she would have written if she knew how. "But it wasn't really an essay, was it?" asks Caroline. Isn't that a little harsh? I mean the only speech that even came close to being an essay was Nellie's, her thesis being "my house shits on your house". I think we can lower the bar a smidge, Ma. Laura agrees with her mother who looks at what Laura really wrote. Laura asks her Ma what Miss Beadle will do when she turns in the assignment. Ma goes into the school with Laura to find out.

Miss Beadle turns from cleaning the blackboard and greets Mrs. Ingalls. She congratulates her and her daughters for the wonderful presentations. Laura sheepishly hands over her paper. Miss Beadle looks at it and so do we:

Ma is good
She works hard
she cooks
she sews

I think Miss Beadle somewhat expected this, since "I reckon" probably hasn't shown up on any of Laura's spelling lists so far. She mentions that Laura's spelling has improved but that her handwriting could use some work. Miss Beadle is optimistic that Laura will be all aces by the end of the term. Everyone is smiling. Yay teachers! Yay moms!

As the family walks home, Laura voices over that Ma took both Mary and Laura's essays and added them to the collection of items from the wooden trunk. Aw.

Country Girls 3/5

The next morning we see the girls walking into the Mercantile. Nels is working on a ledger at the counter and tells the girls he will be with them in just a moment. Laura asks Mary if she has the money and the older sister confirms that she does. We hear a door slam and Nellie and Willie run down the stairs. As soon as he spots the Ingalls girls, Willie starts saying “snipe” repeatedly until Nels tells him to pipe down. Nels then starts to shoo his children away as if they are squirrels at a bird feeder. I don’t think he likes his own kids that much, and it makes me like Nels that much more. Much like squirrels, the kids ignore their father and raid the candy canisters on the counter. Nels sighs as he walks over to assist the girls. Mary asks very politely for the tablet and slate. As he goes to retrieve the items, Nellie and Willie start bickering about the candy. Nellie sees an opportunity to rub in the fact that she can have as much candy as she wants. Mary just rolls her eyes.

Nels brings over the items and Mary pays him, saying that her coin should be enough for both items. Mr. Oleson confirms this, but informs the girls that they will also need to get a slate pencil if they don’t already have one. What? Why wouldn’t the slate come with a pencil? This must be the 19th century equivalent of “batteries not included”. Mary sheepishly says that they don’t have a pencil. “I don’t think the country girls have another penny,” Nellie says smugly. Nels turns to his children and orders them out of the store. Once the brats leave, Nels acknowledges that the girls might be short the money if they didn’t plan on this additional purchase. He offers to give the girls the pencil and have their Pa pay for it on his next visit, but Laura says, “No sir, cash on the barrel. Pa makes that a strict rule.” Nels smiles and agrees that the rule is a good one. He hints that it is a tricky rule to live by, but Mary politely declines before he can make the offer again.

The girls leave the store and sit on the steps. “That Nellie Oleson is the meanest girl I ever did see,” understates Mary. “I could never be that mean.” Laura looks at her sister and says “I could – meaner! -- if Ma and Pa would let me.” Normally I would say it is good to have goals, but maybe I shouldn’t encourage that particular one. Mary laments the fact that they still don’t have a slate pencil and Laura is afraid to ask Pa about it since he has provided so much already. You know, I think necessary school supplies would qualify as an acceptable expense, but Mary agrees with her sister instead of me. She thinks for a moment and remembers that they both have Christmas pennies they can use to get their pencil. Mary will use her penny to get the pencil and Laura will split her penny with her sister since they will be sharing the pencil. I guess they’ll be doing that tomorrow because they walk towards the school instead of back into the store.

We now join Miss Beadle as she assists Laura in reading a passage from Dicky Bird Land. Hmm, it looks like Amazon doesn’t carry it, but you can find some info about it here. However, the date attributed is circa 1890, which means I have to call anachronism. Anyway, Laura is struggling quite a bit with the text since there are a number of silent letters lurking about. You can tell that Miss Beadle is doing an awesome job, though it is unclear if she is working with Laura privately or if the whole class is watching this display.

Outside we see the kids at recess. A group of girls are playing Ring Around the Rosie. Laura voices over that recess was supposed to be fun, but all they do is play Ring Around the Rosie. I remember back when I was a toddler I would go to story time at the library which would end with a few rounds of RAtR. I couldn’t imagine playing continuously for twenty minutes, or however long recess is in Walnut Grove. Particularly the way these girls are doing it – it looks more like calisthenics than playing. Laura asks if they can play something else, but her request falls on deaf ears. It must be the plague kicking in.

Over at the Mercantile Nels is finishing up a transaction. As the customer leaves, he does that fake lecture thing that my boss is able to do that I could never do where he tells the woman to give his regards to Eli and that he should not be such a stranger. The woman thanks Nels and says she’ll pass along that message. As the woman leaves, Caroline walks in with a basket of eggs. She introduces herself and verifies that the Mercantile buys eggs. Nels says they do and an ominous voice from off-camera says “I do the buying.” Nels introduces his wife and before Caroline can finish saying “how do you do?” Harriet has already sharpened her talons as she looks at the eggs. “Nellie has already told me about your girls,” she says dismissively. Nels eavesdrops on the transaction and he already looks unhappy. Harriet daintily removes the cloth covering the eggs and notices that the eggs are brown. Harriet dismisses these, saying that they don’t bring in as much as white eggs. You know, Mrs. Oleson, there is no difference except for the color of the shell. Caroline mentions that some of the eggs are also double-yolks. This doesn’t impress Harriet and she tells Caroline that brown eggs get four cents less per dozen. Caroline thinks long and hard about it and eventually agrees on the price. Nels doesn’t like this one bit as he angrily cuts the cheese. Um, not a euphemism – there’s a cheese wheel right in front of him. I’m actually not sure how one would do that euphemistically.

That night Charles is smoking his after-dinner pipe as Caroline works on a cross stitch project. Charles remarks on how quiet it has been. Caroline thought he was alluding to the girls, but he’s actually talking about his wife. She’s still pretty steamed about her interaction with Mrs. Oleson. Charles smirks as Caroline says she can understand why Laura might not get along with Nellie if she is anything like Harriet. Caroline goes on to call bullshit on the "brown eggs bring in less than white eggs" spiel. Despite getting paid less for the brown eggs Caroline saw Harriet sell those eggs for the same price as the white ones. Charles offers to talk to Nels about it but Caroline warns him not to get involved in case Harriet decides not to buy any eggs at all. Caroline vows to win this battle. My money is on the home team. Charles reminds her about the “do onto others” mantra. She continues to aggressively cross stitch.

Harriet's Happenings 5/5

There is a stampede of women running through town. Harriet is peeking out the window of the Mercantile as she flips the closed/open sign to “Open” and sees the stampede running towards her building. “Nels, it’s going to be a banner day,” she squeals. I believe Nels is mumbling the “Serenity Prayer” to himself. Oops, Harriet forgot to unlock the door so she scampers over to let the crowd in. Wow, there are quite a few people at the store and they are grabbing all sorts of merchandise off the shelves. Nels tries to keep up with his ledger but fails instantly. At the door Harriet greets Mrs. Foster and they chit chat about the wonderfulness of the sale. Mrs. Foster has had her eye on a mantle clock and now she can afford it with the sale. Harriet walks over to the display and talks up the piece and Mrs. Foster is sold on it instantly. Mrs. Foster grabs the clock and heads for the door. Harriet chases after her to collect payment. “Of course not,” Mrs. Foster says. She shows Harriet the newspaper which reads “Public Service Sale. 100% off of everything.” Mrs. Foster leaves as Harriet has a conniption. People are leaving the store with armfuls of items as Nels joins in on the freakout. Once everyone is out, Nels closes and locks the doors and flips the sign back to “Closed”.

Outside the Oleson house we can see Laura and Albert laughing at their little prank. Meanwhile inside, Nels is trying to comfort Harriet who is lying down on the couch in the parlor. Nellie barges in screaming “I HATE YOU!” Her parents ask what the problem is and she shows them the paper. “With Nellie Oleson’s looks no boy will be seen out with her at night.” Hehehe. Harriet whines that she didn’t write that, but Nellie has already stormed out of the room. “They can’t do this to me,” Harriet continues, but Nels reminds her “there’s no such word as ‘can’t’.” Willie decides to help by pointing out the tidbit about Harriet. “We have it from a most reliable source that Mrs. Oleson hair is not all her own. And neither are her teeth.” She starts to sob. Before Nels comforts his wife, he winks at Willie who then smiles.

At the homestead, we can see that the Ingalls kids are in the loft eavesdropping on Caroline and Harriet. Caroline is assuring Mrs. Oleson that the kids are being punished by not being allowed to work at the paper. Harriet is not satisfied with this resolution, probably because they would have been fired regardless. She suggests horse-whipping. Caroline waits a beat before telling Harriet “If the items were wrong, I don’t know that they weren’t…” Harriet interrupts Caroline saying that those items were wrong. Caroline continues “then you can always print a retraction. Put it right on the front page – don’t stick it way in the back. Something to the effect of, um, ‘Contrary to published reports, Harriet Oleson does not have false teeth and does not wear a wig.’” Harriet looks horrified at the suggestion and I want to give Caroline a high-five. Harriet turns around and leaves without saying anything.

Later on we see that another issue of the paper is being distributed. Meanwhile, Pa is drilling a hole in the barn as Laura and Albert return from fishing. Charles notices they came back early and asks what happened. Laura produces a copy of the latest edition. Charles admonishes them for buying a paper, but Laura tells him Nellie just gave them a copy. According to her, Harriet wanted Albert to have a copy for free. Uh oh. Albert reads the article in question: “The joke of Walnut Grove. The whole town is laughing over the fact that Charles Ingalls young houseguest Albert No-Name calls Charles ‘Pa’. He even had the audacity to register the boy in Walnut Grove school as ‘Albert Ingalls’. But who are we to laugh? Perhaps the boy really is Charles’, in which case the joke is on Caroline Ingalls.” Charles looks heartbroken. Albert apologizes, saying it was his idea to change the type. Laura chimes in saying they were just trying to teach Mrs. Oleson a lesson. Noble effort, Half-Pint, but I think even fire, brimstone, and sulfur would fail at teaching Harriet Oleson a lesson. Albert says he’ll tell Mrs. Garvey to change his name back to “Albert”, but Charles tells him no. “You like being my son?” he asks. Albert says he does, and Charles replies “Well I like being your Pa, so that’s the end of that.” Laura mentions that there is an item about the Schillers in the paper also. “It was reported earlier in this column it was a sad mistake to pick the son of illiterate parents to represent Walnut Grove in the Spelling Contest. Perhaps Mrs. Garvey has learned her lesson this time. By the way, Mr. Garvey is considering buying his wife a ham for their fifteenth wedding anniversary and I call that true love.” Could you imagine what Harriet would have been like if MySpace and blogs were around in her lifetime? Geez Louise. Anyway, Charles vows to hold a mirror up to The Pen and Plow at church on Sunday.

As the bell rings outside church Sunday morning, Papa Schiller hands Charles a Bible. The congregation takes their seats inside as Charles walks up to the pulpit. Oh, I guess Charles is substitute preacher this week as Reverend Alden is absent. Charles blames nervousness as the reason for forgetting his own Bible and thanks Mr. Schiller for letting him borrow his. Charles has picked Exodus 20:16 as today’s source material. Charles suggests that Walnut Grove’s outstanding citizen should read the text and invites Harriet up to the pulpit. Oh gross, she has her homemade “Press” card pinned to the lapel of her jacket. Caroline and Doc Baker share a glance. There is quite a bit of symmetry in this episode. Charles reminds Harriet which passage she should read as she looks at the book. She does a double take and whispers to Charles “I can’t read this.” “Why, are you illiterate?” Charles asks. Heavy-handed enough for you, folks? Harriet says it is written in some foreign gibberish. “It’s not gibberish, it’s German,” Charles responds. Mama Schiller smiles at this. “Just because I can’t read German doesn’t make me illiterate,” Harriet states. Charles agrees and continues by saying the converse of that statement is true for the Schillers. Harriet slams the book closed and returns to her seat.

Charles goes on to commend the Schillers for their ability to speak two languages which is a rarity within this particular congregation. Charles also claims another person present today speaks two languages: Sterling Murdoch. “Mr. Murdoch’s second language is that of his newspaper The Pen and the Plow [sic]. It’s a language made up of half-truths, innuendos and outright lies. It’s the language of yellow journalism.” Sorry Charles, but I’m going to have to call Anachronism on you. The concept of “Yellow Journalism” didn’t really establish itself, at least under that terminology, until the mid-1880’s and that would have been in New York City. This probably would not have filtered its way to Walnut Grove until the 1890’s at the earliest, about fifteen years after this episode would have taken place. Anyway, Murdoch stands up and argues that church may not be the proper venue to discuss this issue. Harriet agrees with Sterling and I think I agree as well, particularly because the term “bully pulpit” was not coined until the early 1900’s. Charles, of course, disagrees and tells Harriet to sit down. Charles goes on to talk about his earlier encounter with Murdoch and the freedom of the press argument. Charles says he doesn’t believe that entails spreading lies, damaging a person’s name or hurting people. Ooo, you are treading into very gray and murky waters there, Charles. He goes on to say that this publishing philosophy is in direct conflict with the text selection of the day: The eighth commandment, which is “thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor”.

Charles asks rhetorically “why do you continue to support that paper? Do you derive that much pleasure from the pain and suffering of others? Or is it because it’s not you that’s being hurt?” Harriet clenches her jaw as her second cousin once removed glares at Mr. Ingalls. “When you go out and buy that newspaper on Saturday morning, you are supporting and encouraging the very sins that you decry in this church on Sunday.” Charles suggests that the congregation starts practicing what they preach. The congregation mulls over these words as Harriet makes a ridiculous pouting face. She looks like Droopy Dog. Charles then suggests that the congregation rise and sing “What a Friend”. Murdoch takes this moment to exit the church. As the crowd sings in that way that white Christians tend to sing, Nels whispers to Jonathan that he can stop by the Mercantile after church to pick up the dress.

Laura voices over that the newspaper went out of business about a month later and the town went back to normal. She reports that Pa hoped that a real newspaper would one day open in town. “’Freedom of the press,’ Pa says, ‘is as important as all our other freedoms and should never be abused.’” You know, if you ignore the fact that Joseph Pulitzer was a yellow journalist before becoming a philanthropist and the namesake of the Pulitzer Prize, I could almost agree with Charles. But I don’t.

Harriet's Happenings 2/5

It must be Friday because a bunch of people are walking around town reading newspapers. Doc Baker must not have picked up a copy yet because he is organizing one of the cabinets in his office. Jonathan enters with a newspaper in hand and asks the Doc if he read a particular item. Jonathan’s tone suggests that something is amiss and Doc Baker asks if his name is spelled correctly. His name was spelled correctly in this tidbit: “Doctor Hiram Baker lost another patient when Ezra Jenkins died last Wednesday.” The Doc narrows his eyes as he announces that Ezra Jenkins was 96. Jonathan semi-playfully points out that the paper must be true because the article was written by “Walnut Grove’s Leading Citizen.” “Misleading Citizen is more like it,” grumbles Baker.

At the homestead that evening, Caroline is providing a snarky reading of one of the articles. “Claude Beakins has been spending an awful lot of time at Widow Foster’s house lately. One wonders if Claude’s wife knows about it.” First, Mr. Foster died? When did that happen? Charles is about as bemused by the article as his wife, pointing out that Claude was fixing the roof of the Foster house because that’s his job. Caroline shakes her head as she skims for another tasteless tidbit. “Mrs. Sally Larson has left her husband to return to Chicago. Could there be someone special in Chicago? Could the separation be permanent?” That would be a shame; the Larsons seemed so happy. Caroline fills in the details, “There is someone special: her father. And their separation could be permanent: he may die.” Charles is not pleased with this local news declaring, “If that’s culture, then I’m Abraham Lincoln.” He goes on to suggest that Caroline use the paper to start a fire and she seems to agree.

We now see a copy of the paper. “FLOOD HITS” something and immediately below the headline is the feature box for “Harriet’s Happenings”. Way to do layout, Murdoch. Wait a minute – is this episode a veiled slam on Rupert Murdoch? Even though he is Australian and his ancestors would have been nowhere near Walnut Grove or Minnesota? Oh, show. Anyway, in the feature box is a picture of Harriet and whoever is holding the paper has taken the liberty of penciling in her mustache and devil beard. Oh, it’s Willie. Good for him. Nels and Harriet enter the parlor and are both exhausted. I guess people saw the sale ad and it lead to the busiest day ever in the Mercantile. Harriet declares the paper a Godsend. She then instructs Nels to double the inventory order for next week’s sale which will be for 25% off after a 40% markup for a gain of 15% (WRONG: 5%). Nels says they can’t do that, but she replies “there’s no such word as ‘can’t’.” Nels is not happy about this but Harriet explains that paper subscriptions are pouring in and that it is because of her. “I am a success in every way,” she says as she dances around her husband. She’s successful at tap dancing on my nerves, I’ll give her that. “Including the worst way,” Nels sneers. He takes the paper from Willie to provide some examples. “Seven month married Helga Svenson gave birth to her first child, a baby boy. She claims it was premature.” Harriet is all like “Well, use your arithmetic.” Really, lady? Nels informs his wife that he talked to Doc Baker right after that particular delivery and the Doc said the baby was premature. Harriet sits down and claims there were rumors. Nels gives her a Journalism 101 lesson: Print facts, not rumors.

Willie pipes in that Nellie had a fondness for Helga’s husband back in the day and was not all to keen that he and Helga got hitched so she started a rumor or two. Journalism 102: Don’t reveal your sources, Harriet. She asks where Nellie is and Willie says she is upstairs crying. The local round of the spelling bee happened earlier and Nellie was knocked out by none other than Erich Schiller. “That Allison Garvey betrayed me,” seethes Harriet. Um, it’s a little difficult to rig a spelling bee unless you give one kid “cat” and the other “ergasia” (which MS Word doesn’t believe is a word), but I think people might catch on that the playing field isn’t exactly level. Nels tells his wife the test was fair and Erich is the smartest boy in school (except when the plot requires it to be Albert or Arnold Lundstrom). Harriet still says “Not fair!” and has added Alice Garvey to her list. I’m serious: she has a legal pad and everything.

The next day we see Jonathan going to the Mercantile. Did he find out about Harriet’s Enemies List? It doesn’t look like it as he starts browsing instead of confronting Mrs. Oleson. Harriet finishes with one customer before walking over to buy eggs from Caroline. Harriet asks if Caroline read this week’s paper and is trying to fish for compliments about “Harriet’s Happenings”. Caroline bluntly tells Mrs. Oleson that she found the tidbits to be “inaccurate”. Harriet, who is wearing her Press sun hat again, asks for some examples. Caroline mentions the items about the Beakins and the Larsons, but Harriet counters with “If they are untrue, and I’m not saying they are mind you, but IF they are untrue we shall certainly print a retraction.” Caroline is unimpressed with this, particularly after hearing that such retractions are printed in a small box mixed in with the ads. As expected, Harriet gets all petty about the slightest bit of criticism and tells Caroline that the Mercantile won’t be buying any more eggs in the foreseeable future. “I’m sure the hens will be relieved to hear that,” Caroline informs her. As she leaves, Jonathan whispers “That’s telling her.”

Nels finishes assisting a customer and walks over to help Jonathan. He jokes that the dress that Mr. Garvey is looking at is too small for him. Jonathan chuckles and says that he would like to get it for Alice for their 15th wedding anniversary. Nels looks at the price tag, but the price is a little steep for Jonathan. Nels offers to work something out but Harriet butts in with a reminder about the credit that was already extended to Alice. Nels tries to reason with Harriet but she says they can’t afford to extend credit on “frivolous items such as clothing.” She is, however, willing to make an exception on food and suggests a nice ham. Well, crystal is more traditional and a watch is more modern so Harriet’s suggestion isn’t that much more off the mark than what Jonathan was going for. Then Harriet suggests a rack of bacon, so I think Jonathan is now closer to the bullseye. Jonathan refuses the offer and Harriet walks away, muttering to Nels “overgrown ingrate”. Was she talking about Jonathan or herself? Nels apologizes and Jonathan asks for Nels to hold the dress until Jonathan gets a loan.