The Election 5/5

Election day! Mary is giving a speech about how honored she is by the nomination. She references the conversation she had with Pa regarding campaign promises and refuses to make any. “If you do vote for me, I’ll appreciate it,” she says meekly. Mary Ingalls sucks at stump speeches. Hmm, the class disagrees with me on that one since they give her a healthy round of applause. Nellie is up next. See Mary, Nellie actually stepped onto the dais that Miss Beadle’s desk is on to make her speech. Oh, but she blows her goodwill by referring to her classmates as “fellow Americans.” Miss Beadle actually has to look down to stifle a chuckle. As Nellie confidently blah blah blahs, Laura whispers to her sister that Nellie is really giving a list of reasons to punch her in the nose. Hehe.

Meanwhile Elmer, still muddy from the bay of pigs invasion, is walking up to the school. He stops when he reaches the steps and considers whether or not to enter. He decides to walk in just as Nellie is finishing her speech. “And finally,” she says “you should vote for me because my mother will give a party if I win.” I’ve always been dubious about student government and this is pretty much why. When Nellie steps down, the only person to applaud at first is the girl who seconded Nellie’s nomination. A few other people catch on and politely clap, but it is not as rousing as Mary’s support.

Elmer finally enters the classroom and Miss Beadle is shocked by his appearance. The kids laugh at him. Shut up, children. The teacher asks what happened, but instead of telling the truth Elmer opts for the “Luka” defense and says he slipped and fell. Miss Beadle asks if the other boys were responsible but Elmer is all mum. She tells Elmer to go home and get cleaned up before making his speech, offering to postpone the vote until the afternoon. Elmer thanks her then says he isn’t going to run for president after all. He goes on to say that he is now in on the joke and he’d rather not waste the time. The kids laugh and Miss Beadle tells them to stop. Elmer says it’s fine since he knows that they don’t think much of him anyway. “I don’t even know what a class president is supposed to do,” he says. I bet if you ask your fellow candidates they wouldn’t know either, Elmer.

Elmer goes on to say that he does know what’s right and wrong and that he doesn’t think the older kids should be picking on others. It looks like Joel is taking the words to heart but Kenny still has a stupid look on his stupid face. “And it ain’t right to give someone something to make ‘em vote for you,” he says directly to Nellie. She promptly makes her bitch face (no, the other one). He adds “no pushing people into mud” to the list and that finally makes Kenny reflective. “My mother made me this shirt because she loves me,” Elmer says. “You probably all think that’s dumb. But that’s what’s wrong around here: people don’t pay no mind to other people’s carings.” Ooo, establish that narrative. My government professor from undergrad would be pleased. Laura is starting to get choked up and Mary is already glassy-eyed. Oh, there’s the tear.

Miss Beadle, who is also choked up, thanks Elmer. Mary raises her hand but Miss Beadle says the time for speeches has passed. Mary says she doesn’t want to make a speech: she wants to withdraw. Mary then throws her support behind Elmer. “I know you’re not supposed to run,” Mary says, “but you have to cause you’re the only one that really knows what a president should do.” First off, “not supposed to run”? Based on what criteria? Second, unless a president is supposed to shame people for their bad behavior, I fail to see what Elmer has done to demonstrate a total grasp of the job specifications of the nebulous “class president” position. Anyway, Elmer thinks about it for a moment and decides to stay in the race. Time to vote.

Laura gets her Jeff Probst groove on and tallies the results. The last two votes are for Elmer, making the final tally twelve for Nellie and twelve for Elmer. Ooo, now we get to see a fire-making challenge. Miss Beadle declares a tie, but Mary says there should be twenty-five votes. Nellie points out that Willie went to the outhouse. He couldn’t have voted before leaving the room? Or they couldn’t wait until he came back? Willie comes back in and everyone stares at him. Miss Beadle asks for his vote. Nothing like a secret ballot. Laura tallies the last vote: and it’s for Elmer. Nellie asks how her brother could betray her like that and he says “you’re always picking on me and Elmer won’t let you.” Nellie screams and runs out of the classroom. I just don’t get Minnesota politics. The class cheers for Elmer.

After school, the Ingalls girls rush out of the building and make a bee line for the mill. They cannot wait to tell Pa the news about Elmer’s victory. Mr. Dobkins is at the mill and overhears the story. Laura is beaming that Elmer beat Nellie despite the candy-based disadvantage. Elmer is now walking towards the mill and sees his Pa. Mr. Dobkins excuses himself to meet up with his son. They stare at each other for a moment before Pa Dobkins takes off his hat and says “Congratulations, Mr. President.” They both smile and hug. Aww. Congrats Elmer! This is your first step on your way to becoming Super Nintendo Dobkins!

The Election 4/5

That evening, Mrs. Dobkins is getting ready to iron some clothes as her husband enters the house. He compliments the shirt his wife is holding and she says it’s the shirt she tailored for Elmer. Pa asks where his son is and is not surprised that the kid is in the barn taking care of the animals. The stray animal count is up to six – I’m not sure if that includes baby squirrels or not. Pa heads back outside.

Elmer is practicing his speech for a chicken and a rabbit and his stuttered opening has already lost his audience. He starts again but he seems to be battling a case of writer’s block. I give him credit for having the sense to practice ahead of time. Meanwhile, Pa walks into the barn and asks to have a talk with his son. Before Elmer agrees, Pa goes ahead and asks what the boys were doing to Elmer in the schoolyard earlier. Elmer turns around and doormats that the boys were “just making jokes.” Pa isn’t buying it for a second and tells Elmer that those boys are not his friends. Aw, Elmer actually looks wounded when he hears this. Poor kid. He doormats some more and his Pa is getting tired of it. He asks who, if anyone, fed Elmer worms, assuring his son that he won’t get into trouble unless he lies. Elmer contemplates the rabbit hutch for a moment before admitting that Joel was the feeder. This confirms Pa’s theory which lays the groundwork for the truth of the whole election situation: that Elmer was nominated for exploitation purposes only. Ugh, Pa goes back to the chicken flock metaphor again. We get the point show, move along please.

Before he leaves the barn, Pa declares that he will talk to Kenny and Joel’s parents in the morning. Elmer begs him not to saying that it will just make things worse. I never get tired of that plot construct because there is so much truth behind it. TV shows fifty years from now will probably still be able to use that type of conflict and it will likely be just as effective. Pa doesn’t watch TV or has little imagination because he doesn’t understand how things could get worse for his son. Elmer doesn’t offer any specific examples but knows that Koel will find a way to make life that much more hellish. Pa finally agrees, but instructs his son that he is to withdraw from the election. Elmer accepts this and turns around to share a sad with the rabbit. Pa walks up to his son and gives him a hug.

The next morning we see Ma Dobkins fixing the collar on Elmer’s new shirt. She is really happy with how her son looks, but the males in the room seem a bit resigned. Elmer didn’t even know he was going to get a new shirt. Ma says it was so he would look extra nice on election day. Oh, I guess Pa didn’t tell her what happened in the barn. Pa still doesn’t reveal that little tidbit, reminding Elmer to remember what they discussed without specifically saying what was said. Elmer takes his things and heads off to school. Once the door closes, Ma asks her husband what that little reminder was referring to. Pa keeps it vague, but Ma looks as if she is figuring things out.

We rejoin Elmer on his way to school. He is walking along until he hears Kenny and Joel complaining about an upcoming test. That kid has great hearing since the sound is clear as bell despite the fact that the other boys are a couple hundred yards away. Kenny, the proverbial red-headed step-child, grabs a rock and throws it at a tree. Instantly he says that if a bird was on the branch it would have been killed. Uh oh, bird metaphor. Run Elmer! No! Don’t sit down under a tree! The boys spot Elmer and walk over to torment him. The boys pretend to be nice by complimenting the new fancy duds, but Elmer says that he isn’t running in the election. The boys tell Elmer that if he doesn’t run, then they don’t have a candidate. Well, that’s what happens when your platform is “Anyone but the XX chromosomes”. Kenny is all “you don’t want a girl for president, do ya?” Honey, when has any class president done anything of any import in the entire history of education? Joel tells Elmer that it is okay if Elmer doesn’t want to run and that they will still be his friends. Elmer is confused by this turnabout. They get up to walk to school together.

Joel asks if Elmer has seen the new piglets at the Stinson place. Kenny adds that one of them has a bad leg. They decide to go check on them on the way to school. Hmm, my spidey sense is tingling, and it isn’t weaving TEERRRRIIFFIICCCC. Elmer looks at the drove of piglets but doesn’t notice anything wrong at first. He straddles the fence to get a better look but still sees nothing. Joel suggests that Elmer get even closer. Once Elmer swings his other leg around the fence, the boys push him into the mud. They laugh and run off. Hey, campaign managers? Mudslinging – ur doin it wrong.

The Election 3/5

What’s this? Nels is handling this week’s egg transaction? Oh, it’s Mary who brought the eggs instead of Caroline so Harriet’s cattiness is unnecessary. Anyway, Nels counts the eggs and starts some chit chat about Nellie’s upcoming party. He lists every fabulous aspect of the event but Mary just looks at her shoes. Nels supposes that every girl in the school is invited until Laura, who is browsing in the hip wader section, clarifies that the Ingalls girls did not receive an invite. Mary tries to be diplomatic by suggesting that maybe Nellie forgot, but Nels isn’t buying it and invites the girls. I don’t think they elect Secretaries of State in class elections, Mary. Laura is all “thanks, but no thanks,” and fibs that she and Mary have chores to do at the time of the party. Again, Nels isn’t buying it but he doesn’t press the point. The girls leave as Nels shakes his head in disappointment.

As the girls walk through town they pass by Elmer who is sitting on a bench near a tree. He greets them and they join their fellow candidate. Elmer observes that a number of girls are hanging out with Nellie in the Oleson’s yard. “Boss Nellie Tweed is at it again,” Laura says. Elmer doesn’t get the reference so Mary explains that Laura’s joke was a callback to Boss Tweed, a New York politician. Elmer is all like “oh,” which is fine: even if you get the reference Laura’s joke wasn’t funny. Laura goes on to accuse Nellie of stealing votes. Mary excuses the tactic by saying that Nellie is just having a party. That’s fair, considering the Ingalls girls are planning on doing the exact same thing. Elmer asks why Laura and Mary aren’t at the party. Laura begins to sulk as she explains why. Elmer says he hopes Mary wins but she replies that Elmer has a good chance to win also. The boy disagrees since he already suspects that this might be another Koel prank in the making. Laura reminds Elmer that he can vote for himself, but he believes that one vote doesn’t mean much. Tell that to Paul Metzler. The conversation reaches another awkward lull, so Laura uses the opportunity to say that she and Mary need to go home.

Back at the Dobkins’ house, Ma is mending a shirt while Pa is looking through some papers. Ma mentions that a squirrel that Elmer is caring for is about to give birth while Pa is complaining about the price of seed. The conversation starts to focus on how Elmer is better with animals than with people, which Ma thinks is a good thing but Pa is not so sure. Somehow this circles back to their concerns about the election. Ma is still supportive of the idea and is going to fix up a shirt for her son for election day. Pa suggests using one of his old shirts and trimming it down for Elmer’s size. Oh good, it sounds like Pa is coming around to the idea. Yay!

Breakfast time at the Homestead. Pa asks Laura who is coming to the election party. Laura says everyone except Nellie and Willie is invited. Pa, surprisingly, is in favor of the turnabout/fair play ratio. He goes on to say that he suspects that these election tactics are setting the stage for an Elmer win. Pa explains the math and Mary is less than ecstatic about this revelation. Laura asks what they can do to rectify this situation but Pa is all like “uh, you’re stuck, monkey butt.” I’m paraphrasing.

Later on, Laura and Mary are leaving the storage house with ears of corn as they see Elmer approaching the house. They run down to meet him. There’s some awkward chit chat before Elmer asks if the girls are expecting a lot of guests. He goes on to explain that there was a group of girls ahead of him on the road but they got intercepted by Nellie and Willie who had free candy available. Laura accuses Nellie of buying votes again. Uh, Half-pint, what exactly was your plan with all those ears of corn again? Elmer assures the girls that not everyone is going to vote for Nellie but Laura doesn’t seem convinced. They are still going to have their party regardless of the turn out.

We join Mary and Laura in the barn with Pa. He is polishing a saddle as Mary works on her campaign speech. They toss around some campaign promise ideas. Laura asks if it is even possible to keep all the promises one makes and Pa tells her it isn’t very likely. Mary asks if that is kind of like lying but Pa corrects her by saying it is lying. Hmmm, yes and no. Most campaign promises are actually framed as goals (except for the ones stupidly beginning with the phrase “I promise to…”). If you set a goal and fail to meet it, that is not a lie. Either way, Mary is quickly becoming a fifth party candidate in a three way race. Laura asks if candidates call each other names because she has a few good ones for Nellie. Pa gives Laura a warning not to head down that path. Pa sends the girls to bed. On the way out, Mary says she is going to list the things she thinks would make the school better and make a speech. Yeah, long lists always make great speeches.

The next day at recess the girls are jumping rope while Kenny and Joel kick around some kids on the teeter-totter. Joel then spots Elmer off by himself by the schoolhouse steps. The boys get stupid smiles on their stupid faces and head over to torment the boy. Joel asks Elmer how he is going to win the election. Joel tells Elmer to get on the see-saw stump (say that three times fast) and make a speech. Elmer isn’t interested, but his self-appointed campaign managers grab him and force him onto the stage. As the candidate is dragged to the center of the crowd, Pa Dobkins happens to be driving by and watches what is happening to his son. Joel and Kenny keep jostling the boy as they make a bunch of promises of the “eat one worm for every vote” variety. But what about tort reform? Social security? What is his stance on human/animal hybrids? These are the questions that need answers! Before those questions can even be asked, Miss Beadle exits the school and tells the boys to stop. She asks what they are doing and Joel says they’re campaigning. Miss Beadle tells them to stop and ends recess. Way to go, jerks. As the kids file inside, Pa Dobkins hangs his head and drives away.

The Election 2/5

As the kids are leaving school, Nellie is admonishing the girl who seconded her nomination for not doing it fast enough. The girl is all like “whatever, just keep the candy coming.” Following them are Mary and Jim, the former thanking the latter. “It’s nice, you being a boy and all,” Mary says. I have to wonder if Laura would have nominated Mary, unless nominating goes against Leviticus or something. Regardless, Jim says he just wanted to be fair and I’m not really sure what that is supposed to mean in this situation. Mary thanks him again despite this little logic lapse and heads home. Jim sticks around to reconvene with the prankster set. Oh, it turns out that their plan is to not only split the girl vote by having two female nominees but use Elmer to prove that he can beat the smartest kids in the class. Does it count as schadenfreude if you plan for it? That doesn’t seem right.

That evening at the homestead, Laura and Mary are busy working at the table. Laura puts down her crayon and shows Mary the campaign poster she designed: “Vote for Mary (underlined in red) The best cantitate [sic].” Mary says “no”, obviously, but Laura says the kids won’t care. It’s sad that almost 140 years later that would still probably hold true.

As Mary evaluates the poster some more, Pa enters the house. “Pa, you’ll never guess,” Laura says. Pa takes a couple stabs at Laura’s news: “You got 100 on an arithmetic test. You got a zero on an arithmetic test. Your sister Mary got nominated for class president.” Laura accuses her father of peeking, but he says he heard about it from Nels. Pa congratulates Mary and calls her Madame President. Mary says he should be congratulating Nellie, but Laura calls herself Campaign Manager and says that her sister is going to win. Carrie (you remember her – the one who falls down the hill all the time?) says that she’ll vote for Mary. Pa believes that more than the Ingalls girls will vote for Mary, but the candidate doesn’t think so since Nellie is going to have a campaign party. “Nellie invited all the girls to her house except us for ice cream and cake tomorrow,” Laura says. I guess Mary is running as a candidate for the Pity Party. Pa goes against the party’s mission statement by suggesting the girls host their own event the following weekend.

Meanwhile, Elmer is at his place tending to the chickens in the coop. As he takes particular care of one chicken, Elmer’s father enters the barn. He greets his son who reports that the chicken’s neck is looking a lot better. Oh, I get it. The wounded birds are a metaphor. That’s one of the tricks of the trade I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks: anything that seems heavy handed or cannot be easily explained can just be described as “artistic vision” or a “metaphor”. Try it in your day to day life: it is amazingly liberating. Anyway, Elmer asks if the other chickens will attack this bird again if he reintroduces it to the flock. Pa says that they might and it’s just in their nature. I’m just waiting for a spider to weave “Some Pig” over Elmer’s head. Pa tells Elmer it is time to wash up for supper. Elmer says he just needs to feed his rabbit and then he’ll be done. Please let the rabbit be named George, please. Lenny would be even more awesome.

Elmer changes the subject before we learn more about the rabbit. He tells his Pa about the nomination. Rather than congratulating his son, Pa asks who nominated Elmer. “Joel and Kenny,” Elmer replies. They also appointed themselves as Elmer’s campaign managers. Pa doesn’t like where this is going and checks to make sure that Elmer is talking about the kids that pick on him and not some other Joel/Kenny combo (Koel? Jenny?). Elmer is being all Pollyanna about the whole situation which doesn’t seem to sit well with Pa. He doesn’t say anything at the moment and decides to remind Elmer that supper is almost ready.

Pa goes back into the house where Mrs. Elmer’s Mom is setting the table. The parents chit chat about what Elmer is up to in the barn. Ma likes that he takes such good care of the animals, but Pa is concerned that if they aren’t careful there will be sick stray animals all up in their business. At least the kid has aptitude in some area. Pa walks over to Ma and tells her that the “dag burn Turner boys” were the ones who nominated Elmer. Ma reminds her husband to remind Elmer that he should not count on winning. Wait, why are these parents being realistic? Don’t they watch this show? I don’t have a Good Mommy/Good Daddy tag.

Ma walks over to the kitchen to do final dinner preparations as Pa draws out the wounded bird metaphor. This is also where they confirm that Elmer is a little slower than the rest of the kids, just in case that wasn’t already clear. They also reflect on whether it was a good idea to keep Elmer out of school for a couple of years after a bad experience in Springfield. Pa wonders if maybe they should have kept him out of school in Walnut Grove. “He wants to go, Sam,” Ma says. Sam contemplates this as he stares at a fire in the hearth. Ma gives her husband a hug. Aww, don’t be sad Dobkins family.

The Election 1/5

A wide shot of a hillside opens this episode as we watch a boy traipsing along the crest. He slows down as he approaches a tree and begins to crouch towards the ground. He’s found a baby bird struggling in the grass. Fortunately the bird has developed a little bit so it isn’t those ugly slimy creatures that you sometimes see splattered on pavement. The boy looks up and sees the nest that the bird must have called home a few minutes earlier. The boy climbs the tree and places the bird in the nest and tells a nearby bird that he didn’t hurt the chick before he continues on his trek. We don’t see if the mama bird nudges the chick out of the nest again.

The kids are playing outside before school begins and there are a couple of older boys, one with dark hair and one with red hair, running around interfering with everyone’s activities. The boys end up wrestling over by the school house until they notice the Birdman of Walnut Grove approaching. “Did you bring ‘em?” the dark haired boy asks the redhead. The kid says yes but he isn’t in the mood to get into trouble. “Aw, you fret too much,” dark hair says. When was the last time you heard anyone under the age of 18 use the term “fret”? Anyway, the redhead produces an earthworm for dark hair. The boys walk up to the arriving kid and greet him by the name of Elmer. Dark hair says to Elmer, “open your mouth and close your eyes and I’ll give you something to make you wise.” Ooh, a remix (I’m used to the “big surprise” version). Elmer obliges and promptly gets a mouthful of worm. The boys laugh as Mary and Laura look on, scandalized. Elmer tries to rationalize that worms aren’t so horrible to accidentally ingest, but no one is really buying it. The redhead then dives behind Elmer so that dark hair can push the kid over him. Hmmm, Elmer needs to work on his reflexes.

As the twerps run away, Laura jogs over to help Elmer. “If I were you I’d give them both black eyes,” Laura advises. Elmer says that fighting isn’t very Christian like (um, YMMV) to which Laura responds “Oh, I’d do unto ‘em” while brandishing her fist. I do enjoy feisty Laura. Elmer seems a bit blasé about feistiness, claiming that the boys are his friends. Almost immediately the redhead calls over saying “Elmer is the dumbest kid in Walnut Grove.” See, friendly. Yeesh.

Inside the school Miss Beadle announces that during civics class that afternoon there will be nominations for class president. There is some excited chatter after this announcement until the redhead, Kenny, raises his hand and declares that the girls don’t get to vote since women don’t get to vote. Yeah, I can just imagine a progressive like Emma Beadle not allowing females to vote. Shut up, Kenny. Fortunately, since women in 1876 could vote in Wyoming, that will be the precedent Miss Beadle will use to justify the female vote. Some of the boys actually start booing while Nellie screams “And we’ll win!” Sing it Sister Suffragette! Oh, she goes on to say that it is simply a numbers game since there are more girls than boys in the class. Still, you gotta find progress where you can.

During recess we see Nellie and Willie run over to the Mercantile. Inside we see a close-up of the jelly bean canister getting emptied and pull out to find that it is Harriet and not Nellie doing the emptying. She asks her daughter if that will be enough but Nellie mentions that a couple of the girls are partial to sour balls. Willie tries to cash in on the candy giveaway, but Harriet says no way since he is going to vote for his sister anyway. Willie is all “nuh-uh”, so Harriet gives in and fulfills his candy requests.

At this point Nels comes down the stairs and tells the kids to stop raiding the candy. Harriet says it’s alright before sending the kids back to school. “You know what the dentist in Mankato said and I paid dearly for the words,” Nels reminds his wife. Harriet explains that the candy is merely a contribution to her daughter’s political campaign. Harriet leaves to check on the roast in the oven and Nels starts to mumble something about the kids borrowing Harriet’s teeth. Harriet asks if he said something and he bluffs his way out by saying something about the roast being a good piece of beef. Hehe.

Back at school it is nomination time. “We’re going to hold our election just like the national election, the one that gave us Rutherford B. Hayes for our new president,” Miss Beadle explains. Oh jeez. I truly doubt that she is going to establish an Electoral College in the classroom so already it won’t be like the national election. Also, the election of 1876 was a political wrangling nightmare. First off, Samuel Tilden, the Democratic candidate, won the popular vote. However, results were disputed in four states – three of which were in the South (including Florida) where Reconstruction was the status quo. The validation of electoral results had to be determined by congressional committee. This resulted in the Compromise of 1877 which included bringing what some historians believe was the premature end to Reconstruction. Have I mentioned yet that this era of American history (the Gilded Age) is my favorite? Also, if you ever find yourself on I-80/I-90 between Cleveland and Toledo, I highly recommend the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center (exit 91).

So yeah, nominations. Miss Beadle opens the floor and Willie instantly nominates his sister. It takes a while for anyone to second the nomination and Nellie has to “psst” one of the girls sucking on a sour ball to do so. Miss Beadle writes Nellie’s name on the board. Nellie then proposes to close nominations. The class erupts into angry chatter before Miss Beadle calmly reminds her that more than one candidate is needed for an election. Kenny turns around and slaps the blond boy sitting behind him to remind him to nominate someone. This kid, Jim, nominates Mary. Mary is quietly surprised while Laura is ecstatic about this development. Another boy seconds the nomination. After Mary’s name is on the board, Kenny nominates Elmer Dobkins. All the kids laugh as dark hair seconds the nomination. “We need one boy to run against the girls,” one of the pranksters says. Hmmm, I wonder if Elmer’s slogan will be “Choo-choo-choose me!”

The Aftermath 2/5

That night at dinner, Caroline shares her reservations about Mary's new job. She doesn't like the fact that her daughter will be running errands for complete strangers, particularly one who is sick and may be contagious. I have to admit, it is a little weird for Caroline to be this judgmental. I could see her not liking that money is changing hands, but to dislike the idea of helping others outright seems a bit out of character for her. Charles assures his wife that Hobbes isn't contagious because swamp fever isn't contagious. She asks if he is certain it is swamp fever. Charles says no and is smart enough to leave out the conversation he had with Doc Baker earlier. Caroline declares that until there is a diagnosis, Mary may not work for the new guys. Mary starts to whine before Pa interjects that he will take Doc Baker to the Hanson Suites and get Hobbes checked out. Caroline approves of this compromise. I'm glad that Charles is already improving his negotiation skills.

As promised, Charles and Doc Baker ride out to the house the next day. Charles stays on the buckboard as Doc Baker knocks on the door. There is no answer at first, so he knocks again. P.K./Jesse asks "who is it?" and opens the door once Doc Baker identifies himself. They chat a bit about Hobbes' symptoms and the Doc says he is concerned about the convulsions. P.K. agrees with him but goes on to say that Hobbes has an overwhelming fear of doctors. Perhaps he has haphephobia (fear of being touched), trypanophobia (fear of inoculations), or scopophobia (fear of being looked at). Or maybe he just doesn't believe doctors in 1880 know what they're doing. Anyway, P.K./Jesse says that there's no way that Hobbes will consent to any procedure. Doc Baker just offers a polite reminder that his office door is always open if they change their minds.

Carrie is trying to read a book while Model U.N. bickers behind her. Miss Beadle begins banging her shoe on the desk to try to silence the maddening crowd. We don't actually see her do this, but you can hear her trying to restore order. She reiterates that the discussion at hand is about the causes of the Civil War and not finding the source of blame for the conflict. Mary raises her hand, stands up, and makes a speech about how the question of right or wrong is too deeply entwined with the factors that caused the war. First, there should be more standing in school when someone is making a point. Second, what she said would have carried far more weight at my school if she prefaced it with "I think I feel that..." Either way, Miss Beadle shuts her down by saying that it is possible to separate the two if one looks at why people felt the way they did rather than choosing up sides. A boy sitting behind Mary raises his hand, and before Miss Beadle calls on Bobby, he stands up and says "I SAY THE NORTH WON BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT." He then calls out Mary for being sympathetic to the South's justifications for the war. Oh historical discourse, how I don't really miss you all that much. This triggers another round of shrieky bickering before Miss Beadle tells both of them to cool it and sit down.

After they sit, Bobby gets a monologue about how his family was raped, murdered, then raped again by the South. Uh, I'm paraphrasing. This whole time I'm just trying to see if Nellie is able to stay awake because she is struggling to do so. By the end of the story, Laura, Mary and Miss Beadle are all visibly uncomfortable. Miss Beadle states that this project may end up being canceled since it is getting a bit too personal for people. Weak. In my creative writing class in twelfth grade, we had to write a "poem" to someone we haven't spoken to in a very long time. Since my creative writing does not include poetry I decided to write something assy and sassy as a form of protest (something I did quite often in that class). Fortunately, the sharing of these assignments started at the other end of the classroom with people who took it a bit more seriously than I. One girl wrote to her sister who was buried. The teacher thought she said "married", but was soon corrected when the girl said, in the way one would discuss American Idol results, "no, miss, she was murdered." Take a lesson from THAT, Miss Beadle. Oh, and before she dismisses class Miss Beadle says they will vote on whether or not to continue tomorrow. What is with democratizing education all of a sudden, show?

Over at the mill, Mary stops by to say hi to Pa and talk about what happened at school. Laura and Carrie are sitting in the background and it just occurred to me that neither one has said a word yet this episode. I'm used to it with Carrie, but Laura has been present in three scene and hasn't made a peep. Anyway, Pa informs Mary that she can start working. Why would Caroline change her mind since Doc Baker did not examine the patient? I think the introduction of Jesse James has sent Walnut Grove into Bizarro World.

We rejoin Mary as she folds the sheets that were covering the furniture in the Hanson Condo. P.K./Jesse finishes up a grocery list and gives it to Mary. Hobbes also asks her to pick up any history books that might be available. Mary completely geeks out at this point and asks if he knows anything about the Civil War. He says he does and tells her they both fought for the South. "That's wonderful!" gushes Mary. She corrects herself, saying that she is trying to get information about the South's perspective but everything is told from the North's point of view. History is written by the victors, Mary. P.K./Jesse asks what she wants to know. Mary replies that she wanted to find out their perspective on the Quantrill's Raiders story that Bob Ford told in class. Why does that name sound familiar? Hobbes says that both sides did terrible things and asks Mary if she ever heard of something called Rule 11. P.K. tries to shush his partner, but Hobbes continues.

We find out about Rule 11 from Mary's report at school the following day. Basically, families in the region affected by Quantrill's Raiders had to prove their loyalty to the North or move out of the Missouri territory. This resulted in a great number of people relocating. Also, the abandoned property was looted and torched and many of the homeless and displaced were killed by Union soldiers. That is what we in the biz would call a PR nightmare. Bobby calls it a lie and challenges Mary but Miss Beadle interrupts to say that she knew about Rule 11. Bobby asks what does Mary's report prove and Mary replies that it shows that both sides did some pretty nasty shit. Bobby, the proto-neo-con, says those people affected by Rule 11 deserved it because they were traitors. The whole class is all like "really, dude? Just stop." Laura just shakes her head in shame, still not saying a word.

Barn Burner 5/5

The judge has returned to the courthouse and the community has reassembled inside. No one is standing while the judge makes his way to the desk. Hear ye, hear ye, Bizarro Court is now in session. The judge asks if the jury has reached a verdict. Charles is slow to rise as he mentions that they have not reached a verdict on both counts. Murmuring ensues. After restoring order, the judge asks what the jury has accomplished. They reached a guilty verdict on the assault charge, which should come as no surprise to Larabee who admitted he hit Andy, but he still makes a face that looks like this :-( only with more grizzle and bigotry. The jury is still deadlocked on the barn burning verdict, causing Larabee to smirk. He smiles at Matt, but Matt looks like he wants to gut the defendant.

The gallery is all abuzz with the latest developments, so the judge threatens to clear them out if they don’t quiet down. He asks what the breakdown of votes is and Charles reports 11 guilty 1 not guilty. Is Henry Fonda on the jury? The judge thinks for a moment before saying “may I ask the identity of the dissenter?” No, your honor, I don’t think you may. Before anyone can call for a mistrial, Joe Kagan speaks up and says he is the one. Larabee is just as surprised as the gallery as he looks over at Matt, who still wants to do awful things to Larabee. The judge restores order once again before making his next statement. “Mr. Kagan as a member of the colored race you’re pretty much accepted in this community?” Kagan says he is, causing the judge to conclude that “in my experience you’re the first negro to serve in judgment on a white man, perhaps it’s all gone to your head.” God forbid the use of jury nullification in this kangaroo court.

OH! And then the judge continues to suggest that Kagan’s gone totally drunk with power and is acting completely irrationally. Kagan coolly explains that he doesn’t like Larabee any more than anyone else in the courtroom but that even though there is probable cause that Larabee started the fire, no one saw him do it. How DARE you bring reasonable doubt into the jury room, Mr. Kagan?! Seriously, what sort of screwed up legal code is this judge operating under? He asks if Kagan could possibly be dissuaded from his stance, but Kagan says no way. Justice Bullshit decides that the only sensible thing would be to excuse Joe Kagan from the jury and replace him with someone who will provide a twelfth guilty verdict so that the judge can get to his four o’clock golf game. Charles and Doc Baker exchange a “WTF?” glance, but don’t intervene, probably for fear of being banished to some foreign country or thrown into a well.

Joe Kagan agrees to being excused, but decides to make a speech first. The judge says that Kagan already had his say, which is bullshit. Before things get ugly, Reverend Alden rises and asks for Kagan to speak. The judge agrees to let Kagan speak but not to waste any time. Kagan then makes a speech about how the Larabees in the world need to get with the times and get over their hate. Also, even though Mr. Larabee is a despicable person, he should be treated equally under the law as everyone else, regardless of personality or skin color. Yay equal protection arguments! Kagan goes on to equate convicting a man unfairly with lynching, which makes me wonder what white guy wrote this script. Seriously, those two concepts are not on equal footing. That’s like equating the Holocaust with a fender bender. Hester-Sue is in the gallery and is moved by Kagan’s words, so perhaps I’m just being overly critical.

Everyone in the gallery seems to be taking Joe Kagan’s words to heart, but the judge still excuses the juror. He walks towards the back of the gallery and puts his hand on Hester-Sue’s shoulder. Charles selects another juror. As the new juror takes his seat, the judge says “since we already have eleven guilty verdicts, it would save time and trouble if you simply announced what yours is.” Are you kidding me? Charles? Reverend Alden? Nels? Why is everyone sitting on their hands about this bullshit process? “No,” a voice cries out. Finally! It’s Andy, who walks up to the front saying that there was something he didn’t say in his testimony. “Young man,” Justice Bullshit says, “anything you have to say must be considered irrelevant unless you...lied in your testimony.” Andy is all “What?” before explaining that he might have caused the fire. Andy explains that he left a lantern on the corral post the night of the fire and the wind might have knocked it over after he left. Larabee jumps on this and says that the fire must have happened that way. Justice Bullshit asks if Andy found the lantern, and the kid said he found it in the ashes. Andy goes on to say he held back on this testimony because he wanted Larabee to be punished, but Kagan’s words taught him that justice is more important than vengeance. It takes a while for the judge to process that concept, but he eventually allows it. Andy rejoins his Pa in the gallery.

The judge asks Larabee to rise. Now that Andy has presented his full story, reasonable doubt now exists beyond a reasonable doubt (NOT the standard of measurement, I might add) that Larabee did not cause the fire. For the assault charge, Larabee has to pay Jonathan Garvey the amount his crop would have sold for at the original co-op price. Larabee says “no fair!” which really ticks off Justice Bullshit. He warns Larabee that the sentencing phase isn’t over, so he should use any further objections very carefully. Larabee shuts up, and with that the court is adjourned.

As the gallery clears out, Mrs. Larabee and her sons are pondering over what just transpired. They eventually get up and leave while Larabee remains standing in the front of room. Mrs. Larabee turns to look at her soon to be estranged husband. He turns back and decides to take the high road. “I didn’t need no nigger defending me! I didn’t need nobody!” I guess the high road is closed for repairs.

Barn Burner 3/5

Andy is all bandaged up and walking around outside. He goes to inspect the smoldering remains of the barn. He stops and notices something on the ground. Andy kneels and finds a broken lantern. This sparks a flashback to the night before when he placed the lantern on the fence post of the corral. I suspect Andrew Garvey with the Lantern in the Barnyard. Or, Mrs. Oleson with the Lead Pipe in the Mercantile. No, I’ll stick with my first guess. Andy sets the lantern down, has another flashback of the burning barn, and gets startled out of his thought by his father approaching. Jonathan tells his son that he doesn’t have to go to school today, but Andy says Doc Baker gave him the okay to go. Jonathan looks at the smoldering pile and laments on all the hard work lost in the blaze. He does find comfort in the idea of Larabee rotting in jail. Andy looks like he wants to respond to this, but decides to head off to school instead.

That evening we rejoin the Garveys at dinner. Jonathan is saying grace and is filling God and the audience in on all the details of what has happened so far in the episode. Once the recap is over and the family starts to eat, Jonathan tells his wife and son that Larabee claims he is innocent on the arson charge. Alice is more concerned about Andy having to testify at the trial. Andy pokes at his food for a bit before asking what is going to happen to Larabee. Alice ends the conversation before he gets an answer.

The next morning the town is gathering at the schoolhouse for the trial. That is one multi-purpose building they have there in Walnut Grove. It’s a school, a church, a theater, and now a courthouse. Modern urban developers could learn a thing or two from a space like that. As people file in, one man is grumbling about how Larabee, despite being his so-called friend, was willing to cheat him and the rest of the co-op. He passes by Joe Kagan as he mutters “hanging is too good for him.” Joe Kagan breaks the fourth wall as he gives the audience a look that reads “uh, not so fast there Captain Swift of the Justice League.”

Nels escorts Larabee from the ice house as the trial gets ready to start. The judge is at the desk making some notes while Reverend Alden looks on at the gallery with concern. Nels brings in the suspect and the crowd grows silent. Larabee begins to sit down but the judge asks him to remain standing for the time being. “Barn burning is a serious felony offense,” the judge says before asking for a plea. Larabee says he didn’t do it. The judge says that the record shows that Larabee confessed to the crime. Larabee said he thought they were talking about the assault charge. The judge concludes not guilty on the arson charge and guilty on the assault charge. Larabee agrees, though I’m finding this process a bit fishy.

The judge asks Reverend Alden to be foreman of the jury. The Reverend is okay with serving on the jury, but he thinks there would be a major conflict of interest if he served as foreman. He nominates Charles for the foreman duty. Charles agrees and is asked to assemble a jury with great speed since the judge has stuff to do elsewhere. Your Honor, it is the defendant who has a right to a speedy trial, not the judge. The process gets even murkier when jury selection turns into a schoolyard pick. The jury includes the Reverend, Nels, Doc Baker, Fred Simmons, and Steve Mason. At this point Larabee interjects that all the jurors are prejudiced against him. The judge tells him tough. Um, mistrial? Larabee says his friend Matt should be on the jury and Charles tells him that he was next on the list anyway. This calms Larabee down until Charles calls on Joe Kagan. Larabee hops to his feet saying, and I quote: “cause it’s agin the law to have a colored on a jury.” The judge verifies that the objection is on racial grounds before informing the gallery that people of the “negro race” may sit on the jury of a trial of a white man. The crowd oohs and ahhs as Kagan joins the jury. Larabee looks just a bit more sour.

Oleson Versus Oleson 5/5

Laura hides behind a tree as Charles storms out of the church/school house. That’s not a good sign and Laura knows this. She goes inside to speak with Caroline who is angrily pacing up and down the aisle. Uh oh, it turns out Laura may have fibbed a little when setting up this meeting. Caroline is disappointed that Laura tricked her and even though Laura meant well, negotiations have deteriorated further. Caroline storms out the back door of the building while Laura tries to come up with a Plan B.

Dinner time at the homestead and the Raccoon is not in the mood. Pa tries to sell his stew as “almost as good as Ma makes”, but Grace isn’t buying it. Albert uses this impasse as an opportunity to ask if women need to be taken care of. Charles doesn’t really want to have this conversation, but he humors the boy. He explains that men and women help each other, but Albert pushes forward the theory that Charles won’t sign so he can take care of his woman. Charles denies this and puts an end to the conversation. Pa tries once more to feed the Raccoon, but she just starts to whimper.

Later on, Charles rides into town and runs into Almanzo and Nels. All the men have gathered outside of the restaurant because they have given up on cooking. The three decide to eat together until Reverend Alden asks if he can join in. Charles walks in and the place is packed. It looks like the entire population of Walnut Grove is eating out tonight and Percival informs Charles that there won’t be any food left by the time a table becomes available. This is all accentuated by some child screaming. As the men leave, Nels notices Harriet literally strutting over with a piece of chocolate cake. She waves it in front of his face before sitting down and partaking in the sweetness. Nels gets a murderous glint in his eyes, but he leaves before the scene gets interesting.

Outside the men try to come up with a backup plan when Reverend Alden suggests raiding the church pantry. All the men and screaming children from the restaurant gather in the church. There doesn’t seem to be any food, so I guess the plan is to turn the church into a de facto Moose Lodge and go from there. Or maybe they’re just waiting for a dozen pizzas to be delivered. As Almanzo and company continue to grouse about their current predicament, Charles says that he thinks Caroline’s crusade is finally sinking in. Although Walnut Grove may not necessarily need the effects of a petition, there might be parts of Minnesota that do. He claims that he has been so busy calling his wife foolish that he didn’t listen to what she was saying. Nels asks if Charles is going to sign and he replies yes.

The men head out of the church and over to the restaurant. The March of the Matriarchs plays as Charles enters the dining room. All the ladies look up as Charles confronts his wife. He grabs the pen behind Caroline’s ear and signs the petition that is hanging on the wall. Harriet is blown away by this. Charles turns around and hugs Caroline as the rest of the men sign. Once the signing is done, all the couples leave the boarding house hand in hand. It looks a little like Noah’s Ark Cruise Lines has reached a port and all the tourists are scrambling. Laura voices over that Caroline won her fight and the petition is moving along in the legislative process. “She said someday,” Laura’s voiceover continues, “that women will even have the right to vote. Maybe, but I doubt it.” Way to pay attention to current events, Laura.

Oleson Versus Oleson 4/5

Laura is walking up to the boarding house with a suitcase in her hand. Caroline hugs her as she walks into the restaurant. She takes Laura’s bag but before she leaves the room Laura asks if they are doing the right thing. Caroline says that they are, but Laura is dubious about how successful this petition drive is going to be. She becomes more concerned when Caroline tells her that Percival is the only signer so far. Caroline shares her daughter’s concern but reminds her that if you believe in something you have to be courageous enough to stick with it. Laura isn’t fully comforted by this pep talk and she doesn’t look forward to the possibility that Pa might never sign the petition. Caroline reminds Laura that Charles can be stubborn sometimes but he is a fair man and will come around eventually. As the two of them walk toward the stairs, a couple of ladies come down the stairs and are excited to see the new member in the ranks.

Over at the Mercantile, a group of customers have surrounded Nels and are shouting their orders at him. Really? Harriet was the only person capable of enforcing the concept of a line? Nels is getting overwhelmed and inventory is starting to run low. One customer is asking for diaper materials even though he bought some yesterday. “It beats washing ‘em,” he explains. If you think that’s wasteful, you might be surprised. As Nels squeezes his way past some customers to get to the baby supplies, we see that Harriet has disguised herself as a ranch hand to spy on Nels. But is it for the cause or for her? Before we get the answer to that question, Mrs. Foster comes in and gives the fellas a “well, well, well” speech. “Don’t you know how to cook,” she sneers to her husband Orville. “That’s one thing you and I have in common, woman,” he replies. Eh, they’re both tied at zero right now on my scoreboard. Mrs. Foster doesn’t like being called “woman”, so she grabs a handful of flour and throws it at her husband. A flour fight breaks out and Nels runs over to the counter to try to stop it. Harry-et is not impressed with what she is observing, but she does get a kick out of Nels getting pummeled in the flour fight.

The restaurant is packed again at dinner time and Harriet (out of drag) is working the floor. Mrs. Foster calls Mrs. Oleson to her table so that she can tell the other ladies sitting there about how “Nels took the store away.” I’d like to hear this story too, since that’s not what happened. When Harriet gets to the table, we cut to an exterior shot of the restaurant and only hear muffled voices. What was the point of that scene?

Back at the Wilder house, Almanzo is in his pajamas and has poured himself a glass of milk. He doesn’t seem too happy with the current situation. We hop on over to the homestead where Charles, also in his pajamas, has poured himself a glass of milk. We then hear a bowling ball fall from a table and The Raccoon screaming and crying for her mommy. At the Oleson place, Nels completes the pajama/milk trifecta. Except the milk pitcher is empty. Willie!

The next day, Laura runs back to her house where Almanzo is attempting to follow a recipe. The two hug when Laura gets to the kitchen and she tells her husband that they need to work together to get Pa to sign the petition. Almanzo reminds her that they agreed to stay out of this and let Caroline and Charles figure it out, but Laura is still fairly certain that some intervention will be required. Laura has to go and says they can chat about a plan later. Before Almanzo can chase after her, a pot boils over on the stove.

Laura’s next stop is the homestead where Pa is in the barn milking the cow. Pa’s joke about Laura conferring with the enemy falls flat and he blames it on the town not having much of a sense of humor these days. Laura ignores the self pity and asks how Pa is doing. He mentions the Raccoon being in “freakout” mode 24/7 which Laura attributes to the kid missing her Ma. Laura asks if Pa misses Ma, and he says that he does. Laura says Ma misses Pa also and he seems surprised by this. Laura says that Caroline wants to talk with him, but he wants to have the conversation on neutral ground. Laura suggests the church and Pa agrees. Laura looks awfully pleased with herself.

Oleson Versus Oleson 3/5

Mrs. Oleson is...climbing down from a tree? I guess she wanted to see what Nels was up to in the Mercantile but didn’t want to be seen herself. She apparently doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary so she sulks back to the boarding house. Percival is setting up the restaurant dining room and greets Harriet as she passes through on her way to the kitchen. The “fire/cholera/bank robber is about to break out” music starts to play as Harriet returns from the kitchen with a cup of coffee. Is the coffee poisoned? The music stops when Percival starts chatting with his mother-in-law. She starts complaining about how her livelihood is gone now that Nels is working the Mercantile without her. That situation is your own doing, Mrs. Oleson: the law had nothing to do with it. Caroline comes in as Harriet whines and Percival advises that she go back and apologize to Nels. Harriet starts to agree with him, but Caroline comes out of the kitchen and tells her she shouldn’t and that Harriet should fight for what’s hers. It’s another general (Caroline)/specific (Harriet) argument that is just going to lead to more trouble. Oh, maybe that’s what the cholera music was foreshadowing.

Harriet is taken aback by Caroline’s suggestion that she stand her ground about the Mercantile and is even more surprised when Mrs. Ingalls suggests that the women in town band together to further the cause. Caroline stands and tells Percival that she can’t cook today and tells Harriet that she must fill in for her. I should try that at work sometime – get all riled up about a cause and then have someone fill in because I tell them to, nobly.

Montage! Caroline chats up the petition with three schoolgirls, the leader of which dresses young but looks to be about forty. They politely refuse Caroline, but she shall persevere! Then we see her going door-to-door and getting refused before she reaches the period of her first sentence. She blocks the second door about to close on her with her foot, gives the women a look that says “bitch, please” and ends up invited into the house. We see her exit later with a look of accomplishment on her face.

Back at the homestead, Caroline is getting ready for work and talking through the process with the Raccoon. Caroline hands Grace a doll and the girl says something to her in I think Japanese. Seriously, I did not get a word of what she said, but Caroline replies with a polite “oh really?” Caroline then kneels down and gives the Raccoon a hug. The hell? Albert and Carrie walk in and Caroline asks about their school day. Carrie says “Fine! [More Japanese] Asia!” Albert notices his Ma’s overnight bag and asks what that is all about. Caroline gathers the kids around and tells them that she is going to be hanging out at the boarding house for a few days to “have an adventure and prove something to your father.” Albert asks if Pa is going too, but Caroline says he isn’t and that the kids should still be themselves and have a good time. Albert and Carrie ask about various chores and duties and Caroline takes great delight in telling them to leave it to their father to figure out. This is starting to become rather Brady Bunch in its execution – I’m not sure how I feel about that. As Caroline walks out, she tells the kids they can visit her at Nellie’s and reminds them to have a good time.

Dinnertime at the Oleson house. Willie is really going to town on his dinner when Nels walks in from the kitchen. He tells the boy to slow down but of course Willie doesn’t listen. There is a knock at the front door and Nels gets up to answer. Charles is there and he tells Mr. Oleson that Caroline has moved into the boarding house with Harriet. Nels is all like “Old news, old man,” and adds that Caroline has gone around town and chatted with all the women to encourage them to leave their husbands until the petition is signed. I kinda want to get Caroline this shirt. This news really causes Charles to dig in his heels until Nels confides that he might go ahead and sign. He liked things the way they were before but Charles warns him that this is exactly what the women want. Charles gets all “one for all!” about his position in the debate and he and Nels shake on the idea of not signing the petition. After Charles leaves, Nels rejoins Willie at the table. Nels looks at his plate and notices it’s empty. Willie! Chew with your mouth closed.

At the Wilder house, Laura is working on her lesson plans as Almanzo meekly exits the kitchen with cups of coffee. Almanzo tells his wife that he is surprised that Caroline didn’t ask her to move into the boarding house also. Laura says that she did which makes Almanzo all kinds of nervous. He asks if she is going to go, but Laura isn’t sure yet. If she does go it would be more to support her Ma than her Ma’s cause. Almanzo says the situation is crazy and Laura suggests that he sign the petition to help end the craziness. He says he will as soon as Charles signs it. Laura doesn’t think Pa will ever sign it. Almanzo says he has to work with the guy, but Laura reminds Manly that he has to live with her. He apologizes before the fight escalates.

Breakfast at the restaurant is packed with just about all of the wives of Walnut Grove. Harriet is working the floor and having a good time of it. Nellie and Percival, who are both working in the kitchen, seem to be having a little less fun while Caroline is grinning at the stove. After Harriet leaves to do coffee rounds, Nellie talks about how the restaurant has never been so busy. Maybe if they came up with a new efficient system...nah. Percival asks what Caroline said to all the women but she replies that it’s easy to make the sale when you believe in the cause. True that.

Back at the Ingalls’ place, things aren’t going as swimmingly. The Raccoon is having a tantrum of sorts and Charles is trying to calm her down. Albert and Carrie are leaving for school, but Charles tells them they haven’t finished breakfast. The kids are late for school, so they run out the door. Charles puts the Raccoon in her high chair and tries to calm her down with some bacon. Um, she’s not a schnauzer, Charles. He goes to the kitchen to make some oatmeal while the kid continues to freak out. Pa tries to calm her down with some milk, but she is not interested. Meanwhile, the oatmeal boils over and Charles burns himself on the stove. He yells towards the Raccoon, in the friendliest way one can yell, “don’t cry!” I’m not sure if that was more for Grace or for Charles.

Oleson Versus Oleson 2/5

Back at the Olesons’ after the lecture, it sounds like Nels took the part about the men owning everything to heart. He is lecturing Harriet about how he now expects everything to be done his way. When Harriet tries to reply in a surprisingly civil way, Nels waves his hands and says “end of discussion”. As he unties his necktie, he orders Harriet to go fetch his slippers. Nels, I realize you have now found a way to revitalize your standing in your marriage, but you are dangerously close to the asshole label. Do not make me start defending Harriet. Anyway, he pours himself a drink and Harriet exits the parlor, slamming the door behind her. A few moments later, we hear the sound of shattering glass.

Nels goes up to the bedroom to investigate. Harriet tells her husband he will need to fetch his own slippers as she starts packing her suitcase. Basically, she is calling her husband’s bluff and wishes him luck in running the Mercantile by himself, taking care of the house, and taking care of Willie. Nels tries to stop her, but she just says “end of discussion” and closes the door behind her. He tells the door to forget the slippers. Wait a minute, what was with the breaking glass? Meanwhile, Caroline and Charles are finishing dinner at the restaurant as Nellie and Percival chat with them. As the Ingalls get up to leave, Harriet walks in and tells her daughter that she will need a room.

Back at the homestead, Caroline is brushing her hair as she and Charles get ready for bed. Charles is still laughing about the events at dinner, wishing he was a fly on the wall in the Oleson living room. Caroline doesn’t seem to find it as funny, but she sort of sympathizes with the unsympathetic Harriet. See what you’re doing, Nels? It turns out that Caroline agrees with the Lady Lecturer and believes that, in a sense, Nels is stealing from Harriet. Charles thinks the commingling of property goes both ways, but Caroline believes the current law states otherwise. She shares her fear that at any moment her husband could take everything away from her. Charles insincerely offers to split up everything and put little “Caroline” and “Charles” labels on each item. Why not go the I Love Lucy route and draw a big white line down the middle of the little house?

Caroline is not amused by any of this and restates her argument more generally so that the Olesons aren’t part of the equation. Charles seems to be ambivalent about the whole issue, which is somewhat understandable. The underlying notion is that this law would only go into effect should one spouse try to leave the other. I think Charles is reasonably confident that he and Caroline will never get divorced and therefore he doesn’t need to worry about the law for his specific case. Caroline is looking at things more generally. I don’t think she is contemplating divorce either, but I think that is where the disagreement is coming from. Charles is looking at the specific and doesn’t care about the general; Caroline is only focused on the general. This is sort of articulated by Caroline when she tells her husband that she is surprised that he is standing up for what’s fair and then walks out of the bedroom.

The next day, Charles and Almanzo talk about the lecture during their lunch break. Manly asks Charles what he thought of the speech and he replies that he didn’t really care one way or the other. Charles also says he is surprised that Caroline is wound up about the subject and that he isn’t sure if he is going to sign the petition. His concern is that marriage is about commingling property and something happens if you start dividing it up. Charles’ view is basically if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Almanzo has nothing to contribute to the debate.

Over at the restaurant, Percival is sweeping the stoop as Lady Lecturer exits the building. She greets Percival and he asks about the petition. He offers to sign the petition and she can’t believe it. Apparently Percival is the only man to sign so far. He suggests trying to get Mr. Ingalls to sign the petition since he is the King of Walnut Grove. Just then, Caroline walks up to the building and the two women set up an appointment to chat politics.

That evening, Charles is finishing up dinner as Caroline gets home from work. Aww, he’s playing house husband. After Caroline sits down she starts to reminisce about their time as newlyweds in Kansas. She goes into great detail about raising the logs on their house and working as a team. As a smile crosses Charles’ face, Caroline asks “wouldn’t it be nice to have it written down somewhere that we’re equal partners?” The smile fades as Charles reads between the lines. He gets awfully offended that she tried to exploit their happy memories to get him to sign the petition. Caroline takes offense to this and also to his offer of signing the petition because she’ll eventually con him into it anyway. They argue a bit about “fairness” and “principle” and it becomes very Judge Judy very quickly. Caroline storms off to the bedroom. I guess that part of the house is on her side of the white line.

Oleson Versus Oleson 1/5

Nighttime has fallen on the prairie and we start this episode peeking into the window of the Mercantile. Nels is counting up the day’s receipts and the arithmetic doesn’t seem to be working for him. That’s so frustrating when that happens. Of course, I usually don’t have the additional handicap of Harriet screeching my name from the other end of the house. You would think someone who enjoys counting her gold as much as Harriet Oleson would know not to talk to someone who is tallying, but she insists on interrupting Nels with complaints about what little business they did. All it takes is two transactions to bring about some math, honey. This last interruption causes Nels to lose all focus and Harriet moves in to take over the accounting.

As Nels goes up the stairs, his wife asks if he is going to lock up the store. “Oh, you can’t trust me to lock up,” he sneers. “You want things done right: do it yourself.” He goes up the stairs, but before he can slam the door and cry “no one understands me!!!!” he slips on a baseball bat and falls down the stairs. “Willie!” The boy is reading in his room when Nels storms in with the bat in his hand. Oh God, he isn’t going to beat Willie to death, is he? No, but he yells at his unresponsive son about leaving crap lying around the house. Nels informs Willie that he is locking the bat away for two weeks. Willie whines and then calls for his mom to intervene.

Harriet enters her bedroom as Nels takes off his shoes. She asks where he hid the bat, but Nels tries to play dumb. Harriet starts rummaging around the room while lecturing her hubby about picking on Willie. Nels tells her he isn’t picking: he’s trying to teach the boy a lesson. Why not both? It’s the best of both worlds. After Harriet pats her husband on the face, dismissing his “serious” demeanor, she finds the bat hidden in a dresser drawer. As she walks towards the door, Nels tells her that he will not allow the bat to be returned. Harriet scoffs at this and Nels decides enough is enough. He grabs a suitcase and starts packing. They bicker some more before he slams the door on his way out.

A few minutes later Nels arrives at the boarding house. Caroline and Nellie are finishing up closing the restaurant when he asks his daughter for a room. Nellie asks why he would need a room while Caroline tries not to listen in on the conversation. Nels is insistent about this but Nellie wants to know the details. Nels raises his voice when he says he doesn’t want to discuss it, so Caroline decides to exit. As she leaves she reminds Nellie about a lecture that will be happening later in the evening. Nellie takes her father to his new temporary digs. It isn’t a fancy setup because the lady lecturer and her entourage have taken all the good rooms. Doesn’t “Lady Lecturer” sound like some quaint Gilded Age dominatrix? Anyway, Nellie invites her dad to the lecture, but he politely refuses since he now has his freedom. Nellie is all “it’s after six, what is there to do in Walnut Grove?” but Nels says he’ll be fine. After Nellie leaves, he closes the door, sits in a chair, and contemplates the last twenty minutes.

At the homestead, Caroline is filling Charles in on the whole Nels situation. She thinks the whole thing is kind of hilarious, especially with Nels so riled up. Charles seems only half-interested in the story and then suggests to Caroline that one of them should stay instead of going to the lecture. Caroline is all “Albert almost eloped, I think he's old enough to watch Carrie and Grace the Raccoon for a couple of hours.” She can tell something is up and she tries to pry it out of Charles. It turns out he is not all that comfortable going to a women’s meeting since he might be the only husband there. Caroline corrects her husband, saying that it is a town meeting and not a women’s meeting. This doesn’t assuage Charles’ fear about being the only y-chromosome in attendance, but Caroline tells him there’s only one way to find out if that will be the case. He grumbles as they walk out the door.

About a dozen women have gathered at the school house when the Ingalls arrive. So far Charles is the only dude. He notices this and quickly comes up with the idea to go check and see if Nels is alright. Caroline warns him that she will be saving a seat so he had better come back. Nels is unpacking when Charles stops by. They chit chat a bit before Charles invites Nels to the meeting. When the two of them return to the school house, the crowd has doubled in size. It also looks like Percival, Nellie’s husband, is the only other fella in the congregation.

Charles rejoins Caroline just as Elizabeth Smith, the Lady Lecturer, begins her speech. She is pleased that “so many men” have decided to take in the lecture, which causes Harriet to take notice that Nels is in the room. The subject of the lecture is property rights, specifically the issue that women give up most of their property when they get married. Oh, Almanzo is here with Laura. She is enthralled and he becomes nervous rather quickly, putting his hand on her shoulder. Harriet is shocked by the information being presented while Nels seems somewhat intrigued, particularly when m’Lady says that the husband could send the kids off to an orphanage if he so desires. Elizabeth has brought a petition proposing a change in the property laws. Her goal is for every man in Walnut Grove to sign the petition -- since women can't vote, their signatures would be invalid. This is going to be interesting.