Harriet's Happenings 1/5

This episode opens with a crowd gathered outside a building where Charles and Jonathan are hanging a sign. The sign reads “The Pen & Plow” and Mrs. Oleson is screeching at both men to make sure the sign is hung correctly. I guess once you feel the bubbles in your blood pressure subside you know the sign is level. I’m a little amazed at the size of the crowd watching – someone invent television, please. Meanwhile, a wagon is riding in town also labeled “The Pen & Plow”. I wonder if they’re connected somehow. The man driving the wagon is none other than Mr. Johnson from Blazing Saddles. More specifically, the Mr. Johnson who shares his knowledge about Pasteur making hoof and mouth disease a thing of the past.

Never mind that shit; here comes Harriet. She goes all Beatlemania as Mr. Johnson’s wagon approaches, literally pushing people out of the way as she runs over to meet the visitor. Harriet keeps on “Yoo-hoo”-ing, causing my ears to have a sad. She runs alongside the wagon and yells to the driver “It’s me, Harriet,” a couple of times before he eventually stops and dismounts. Caroline and Doc Baker watch the scene unfold. Mr. Johnson got off his wagon on the side opposite of where Harriet is caterwauling and he walks over to the first woman he sees, hugs her, and says “Harriet, you haven’t changed a bit.” The woman pushes him away as the real Harriet runs over to embrace him. After they hug, Harriet introduces the crowd to her second cousin once removed from her mother’s side, Sterling Murdoch. If I have this right, that means Harriet’s mom’s grandparents are Murdoch’s great-great-grandparents. That seems reallllly irrelevant for 1878. Charles seems to share my assessment as he gives Jonathan a look, but Mr. Garvey still gives a polite golf clap with the rest of the crowd. Murdoch thanks the crowd and gives a speech about how he followed the advice of “go west, young man” blah blah blah end of the rainbow blah blah blah. Ha! Charles rolls his eyes. I don’t know what this new guy is talking about, but Harriet says she now has goosebumps after his riveting speech. Doc Baker whispers to Caroline that he’s working on a cure for Harriet. So much snark in Walnut Grove today; I love it.

Over at the school class has been dismissed. Laura, Albert and Andy invite this kid Erich to join them at the newspaper office to watch the printing press in action. Erich politely declines, saying that he promised he would help out his Pa after school. The other kids say goodbye and run over to the office. On the way they run into Charles and Jonathan who are delivering paper to the printer. The kids ask if they can watch what is happening and Charles says it should be okay. Once inside, Charles introduces the kids to Murdoch and asks if it is okay if they watch the newspaper in action. Murdoch says that would be fine and compliments the men on how they fixed up the building. He also asks if they would be interested in handling the bulk deliveries of the newspaper on Fridays. Aw, Jonathan and Charles just got their first paper route! I hope it’s more successful than their lemonade stand. After the men leave, Albert asks Murdoch if there are any other odd jobs available. Murdoch thinks about it a moment and says he needs two bright kids to be typesetters, or “Printer’s Devils” as they’re known in the biz. Albert is all aboard and Laura pipes in that she wants to be a devil, too. Albert vouches for her brightness and Murdoch hires her as well. Andy is late to the party, so he gets saddled with flyering instead. The kids run off to share the news.

That evening Murdoch has joined the Olesons for dinner. Nels asks Murdoch how the newspaper is put together, specifically where he finds all the content to include. Murdoch explains that the inside is usually general news that gets sent from St. Paul on a weekly basis. The outside pages are local news and ads. Nellie asks if “Uncle Sterling” writes all the local content himself. He handles the editorials and all the administrative aspects of the paper but the rest of the news will need to be covered by the yet-to-be-hired head reporter. Harriet’s eyes perk up as she hears this and she volunteers for the job. “All the news does filter into the Mercantile,” she laughs. Nels is not amused by this prospect in the slightest. Harriet asks about the pay and her cousin hems and haws a bit, saying that the startup costs of the paper are going to force the pay to be a bit low until the paper starts to thrive. Geez, this episode certainly is a relic nowadays.

Harriet thinks about it for a moment and is then struck by an idea that she claims won’t cost either of them a cent. She proposes that instead of cash the Mercantile gets free ads in the paper. Murdoch agrees almost instantly. They both leave the table to discuss things further. Murdoch suggests that she write a number of items that include people’s names, since people like to see their name in the paper. Harriet assures him that she’ll name names, times, and places. I hope she starts with Mrs. Jones on Hudson Street. She prattles on a bit more and eventually comes up with a name for her column: “Harriet’s Happenings”. AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The next day, Alice Garvey is shopping at the Mercantile. She is just finishing up and Harriet tabulates the bill. Alice asks for the amount to be added to her tab, but Harriet reminds her that all store accounts need to be paid at the end of the month. Alice apologizes and says she doesn’t have the money for the balance today. We see a close up of Harriet and she has a card reading “Press” placed in the ribbon around her sun hat. Oy. Harriet decides to go on a tangent about how Nellie would be a good representative for Walnut Grove in the Spelling Bee. Alice acknowledges that Nellie is a good speller, but Harriet continues by pointing out Nellie’s poise and beauty. Have you ever seen a spelling bee, Mrs. Oleson? Sex appeal and a lack of awkwardness very rarely come to mind when you look at the kids that make it to the finals. Of course, all of those kids are under 15 anyway, so sex appeal shouldn’t even be part of the equation, but are you picking what I’m putting down? Anyway, Harriet goes on to say that she would be happy to donate a $2.00 gift certificate for the Bee and when Alice compliments the thoughtfulness of the gesture, Mrs. Oleson practically creams her pants at the idea of being chairwoman of the awards committee. Alice just chuckles as if to say “whatever, crazy lady” and gets back to the subject of her purchases. Harriet okays the extension of credit in the most condescending way possible. You can almost hear the fillings getting sucked out of Alice’s teeth as she holds back saying what’s really on her mind. She thanks Mrs. Oleson and leaves the store.

Meanwhile in another part of the store Erich and his folks are browsing. Erich’s Pa is holding a canister of some sort and asks his son what it says on the label. Harriet overhears this and informs the gentleman that the Mercantile carries a wide variety of spectacles. “What I need, Frau Oleson, is English,” he informs her. That’s awkward. And kind of awesome. Erich reads the label: “The name Blankey’s is synonymous with good drinking coffee.” Erich’s Pa asks the Frau if this statement is true and of course she says it is. Erich’s Ma asks the Frau about the price and it is 25 cents. Erich’s Ma says something in German to her husband and judging by her face I think it is something along the lines of “Bitch crazy, I’m not paying that much for coffee.” Erich’s Pa thanks the Frau and they leave the store coffeeless.

Nels walks in from the office with a piece of paper in hand and asks Harriet about the ad. She says that the ad is correct. Nels tells her they can’t afford the 20% sale mentioned in the ad, but she tells him that they can if they raise the prices 30% beforehand. “That gives us 10% more profit than if we didn’t have the sale at all,” she says smugly. You know what I say? WRONG! Check it: Say an item cost $1.00 today. If they raised the price by 30%, that would raise the price to $1.30. If you take off 20%, in this case 26 cents, that would make the new price $1.04. No matter what base you start with, the increase would only be 4%. Uh, I did better in math competitions than spelling bees. Anyway, Nels tells his wife that her plan is dishonest. “Of course it is,” she replies. I guess if they’re in agreement then it’s okay. Good to know.