Fred 5/5

Laura and Carl are walking Fred through a field. Carl mentions that Reverend Alden didn’t seem to demonstrate the compassion and understanding he was advocating earlier. Laura decides that she is just going to have to abandon the animal. Fred looks resolute in this decision. Or sleepy. Or hungry? His face is difficult to read. Fred is an enigma. Laura waffles at her own decision, convinced that someone has to love the animal. “Like Pa would,” Carl says, “with biscuits and gravy.” Hehe. Laura removes the rope from the goat’s collar and sets Fred free. He scampers away while Laura holds back tears. Carl says she did the right thing as they walk back towards town.

That night me see Fred chomping on some grass in a storage shed. Sleeping on the ground nearby is Mr. Janks. The man rolls over and hears a loud belch. He wakes up and investigates, finding a rather gassy Fred in his wagon. FRED STOLE FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS and a significant amount of the grass that Charles sold to Janks.

The next morning we see the Ingalls family riding back to the homestead after church. Caroline comments that the Reverend’s sermon was particularly fiery this morning. Apparently the topic switched to the wages of sin. I wonder if Fred hit a few inches to the left would the topic have dealt with Sodom and Gomorrah?

Charles parks the wagon and notices that Janks’s wagon is approaching. Neither Caroline nor Charles is happy to see him. Janks explains that he needs more rushes and is willing to pay good money for them. Charles asks what happened to the last batch. The businessman claims that the grass was eaten and trampled by an “evil, monstrous goat.” What’s with all the supposed malevolence? It's. a. GOAT. All of Fred's behavior is rather consistent with his character. As the Ingalls family holds back from laughing, Janks goes on to say that he is liable to lose his shirt if he can’t deliver on the grass order to some guy in Kansas City. “I think you’d look good without a shirt,” Charles says. First, wrong. Second, when did Charles become such a flirty Gertie? Anyway, Janks offers Ingalls eight dollars for the same workload as before. Charles responds that he would only consider the job if it was twelve dollars in advance. Good job, Charles is learning! Janks balks at this, but Charles says he is happy to raise the price to thirteen. Janks panics and pays Charles the twelve dollars saying that this will be the last time they do business. This doesn’t seem to bother Ingalls.

After Janks leaves, Laura loudly declares that Fred must have been the culprit. She claims it’s a new trick since Fred did a good thing. Laura might benefit from some reading about relativism. Laura tries to push the argument that this is a good reason to keep Fred and therefore she should be allowed to keep the goat. Charles tries to explain that that isn’t what he meant, but he can’t seem to find the words. I have one: extortion. Caroline tries to bat for Laura saying his deal had no strings attached. Mary mentions that Fred ate her essay (so that explains why Mary didn’t like him) and Carrie says, “ILIKEFRED.” Charles relents and Laura goes to find her goat.

Laura runs through the fields calling out Fred’s name. Y’know, Half-Pint, if you just bend over Fred will find you almost instantly. She continues with her strategy. After several minutes of running and “Fred!”, Laura ends up in another expansive field. She finds a rock to sit on and gets all Alice in Wonderland about her lost goat. She hears some bleating and sees a goat in the distance. She hugs Fred and tries to lead him away by the horn. He runs off and joins a tribe of nanny goats. The slide trombone gets all “Sexy Time” as Fred checks out ladies’ night. Laura realizes she can’t compete and is happy that Fred won’t be the last of his kind.

Fred 1/5

We see a lone goat chomping away in a field. An elderly gentleman carrying a bucket into a nearby barn catches the goat’s attention. The goat bleats before investigating the man in the barn. Inside, the man attempts to sing, but it sounds like he may be drunk and a horse whinnies in disapproval. The man strikes up a conversation with the horse before checking its hooves. The goat enters. The man starts to sing again while he moves some bags. As the man bends over, the camera, er, goat, zooms in on the man’s keester.

Outside, we see the farmer busting through the barn wall. A woman and Laura run over to check on the man. The woman asks if he hurt himself, but he starts to blame the goat. He stands and starts ranting and raving like Yosemite Sam about what he is going to do to that animal. As he starts gesturing wildly, Laura (or perhaps Melissa Gilbert) tries to hold back from laughing. As the farmer’s wife tries to talk her husband out of shooting the goat, Laura walks over to check on the animal. The woman lets on that Laura was hired to do something at the farm and Farmer Sam needs to pay her before he goes gun crazy.

The farmer tries to do some arithmetic to figure out how much he owes Laura. It doesn’t go very well. As he gets every detail of the transaction wrong, Laura examines the goat and determines that it looks healthy. Laura asks the farmer, whose name is Parsons, if he is really going to shoot the goat. He tells the girl that goat-shooting is next on his agenda, then he starts to count out the money. He’s short a penny and asks Laura if that’s okay. Instead, Laura offers to take the goat in lieu of cash. Parsons eyes light up and he decides to push all of the positive aspects of the goat. Besides the fact that most of what he says are bold-faced lies, he already has the sale so why is he pushing it? It’s an as-is transaction, but what he’s doing is actually hurting himself in the long run. Laura sort of catches on to this and she asks, “if he’s so special, why are you going to shoot him?” Mr. Parsons does not strike me as a savvy businessman. Despite this Laura takes the goat over the money. We do not hear zonk music, so can we see what’s behind curtain number 2?

Back at the homestead, Caroline snaps some peas while Mary does some homework. “You know just looking up answers to homework questions isn’t too hard,” Mary says, “but writing a long essay on why things happened is a lot more work.” Tell me about it. At least you aren’t trying to throw in jokes when you can. Caroline tells Mary that Miss Beadle wants Mary to think. Isn’t that what the Internet is for? The two of them hear some bleating outside and decide to check it out. Caroline peeks out the window and her walk becomes stern.

“Laura, what on Earth is that?” Caroline asks. Laura explains the situation, but in the way that a ten year old gives all of the details out of order and never actually answers the question. She isn’t being evasive, she’s just giving the points without the argument. She says she saved his life, but Mary asks if she meant Mr. Parsons or the goat. See what I mean? Mary pets the goat and suggests the name William the Conqueror. Caroline laughs at this, but Laura says she already decided on the name Fred. Laura says he kinda looks like a Fred, and based on my experience with the Freds of the world she's right. Caroline cautions her daughter that Pa might not be too keen on having a goat around. “But you know how Pa likes animals,” Laura says. Yeah, because that raccoon you brought home wasn’t a problem at all – Charles loved that. Laura calls Fred friendly then realizes that his name should be Fred the Friendly Goat. I wonder what Ed Friendly (the guy at the end of the credits) thought about this episode? Caroline tells Laura to put Fred in the barn and get started on her homework.

Meanwhile in the swamp, Charles is gathering some sort of grass. You see, I have this theory about Little House where you can tell the stupidity of a given story based on certain factors. If the episode is unbearably dumb, Charles and sometimes Caroline will be out of town or otherwise unavailable. If it is only sort of dumb but still likely to cause the ladies to change the channel, then we get some Michael Landon Beefy Man Chest Action. As Charles carries the grass out of the water, we not only get MLBMCA but wet MLBMCA. He hears a carriage driving by. Charles looks down and panics. Oh right, people usually went into the water nakkers in those days. Once the carriage is gone, we see Charles rise up out of the algae covered water. Hubba hubba?

Later on, Caroline is heating up some water as Charles rides up to the homestead. He looks rather haggard as he starts to unload the cart filled with swamp grass. Apparently Charles is gathering all this grass for some guy who is paying him a rather paltry amount for all the work that is involved. Caroline tells Charles that there is a bath ready for him and she can finish unloading the grass.

Charles enters the barn and starts to undress. As he takes off his boots, he grabs onto the barn door for support. Fred decides to check out the visitor and his eyes lock on to Charles’s rump. Caroline remembers while she is unloading that she should tell her husband about the goat, but by the time she gets to the barn Charles has already been introduced. Hard.

The Camp-Out 1/5

Walnut Grove hasn’t changed much since our last visit: Kids still running down the hillside, the wagon still rolling into “The Town”, same old, same old. This episode begins in the school where Miss Beadle is hanging some pictures above the chalkboard. The chalkboard reads “HAppy HoliDAy”. I’m guessing Miss Beadle was an early adopter of MySpace. As the camera zooms in we see the pictures are of different types of leaves.

Miss Beadle acknowledges that the kids are probably excited about the yet-unnamed holiday that is approaching and she has decided that she will not assign any homework. The kids cheer, but Miss Beadle reminds them that their leaf collections are still due the first day back. Willie’s jaw drops just enough so you can fit a beach ball in his mouth. He says he already has his leaf collection. Since when did he become an overachiever? Miss Beadle says that’s fine, but the project still won’t be due until the kids get back.

Laura raises her hand and tells Miss Beadle and the class that the Ingalls family will be going on a camping trip. “We can get all kinds of leaves up in the hills,” she brags. Mary is beaming. Is there a question in there somewhere, Laura, or are you just showing off? Nellie thinks it’s the latter and announces that she thinks it’s unfair that they have access to exotic leaves while everyone else scrambles for the cheap-ass ones in Walnut Grove. Miss Beadle says it really isn’t a big deal. Mary asks, with severity in her voice, if they are going to be graded. Homegirl has her game face on. Miss Beadle says they will and that the best collection will go on display. She dismisses the class. As Laura leaves, she sees that Nellie has her game face on as well.

We join Harriet mid-chew as she kvetches about the Ingalls and their camping trip. “Giving their children an unfair advantage,” she forces through her full mouth. Lovely. Nellie adds to the whining before Nels is all like “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.” Harriet tells her husband to find out where the Ingalls will be camping and then follow along with kids in tow. Nels finds this incredibly tacky, but Harriet plays the “It’s a free country” card, or whatever the equivalent was back then. Why do they have to go to the same spot as the Ingalls family? Couldn’t they just go on their own camping trip and get their stupid leaves that way? Before the logic police start to gather, Harriet and Nellie do a tag team guilt trip about how Nels is allegedly a bad father. Nels counters with his concern about having to close up shop and losing business. Ooo, now it’s a tennis match! Harriet says she can take care of the store. Nels realizes that if Harriet sticks around Walnut Grove, then he gets a vacation from her. He decides to ride out to the Ingalls farm to find out where they are going.

Charles is either working on a chair or his pecs with some hand crank tool in the barn. Nels rides up and chit chats about fishing. He shows Charles his rod (not a euphemism) and Charles says he would love to try it out (still not a euphemism). Charles invites Nels and the kids to tag along, just as long as they don’t mind roughing it. Nels accepts the invitation.

The next day we see Carrie accepting a piece of candy from Nels in the Mercantile. As Caroline and Nels work out the bill, Harriet enters the room. Nels comes up with a total, but determines that the Olesons will use many of those provisions so he gives Caroline a huge discount. Harriet didn’t realize that Caroline was going on the trip also and she starts to reminisce about camping trips she went on when she was a child. Oh, her poor parents, I can just imagine. Caroline nods politely until Harriet says, “I wish I was going along.” Caroline’s eyes widen with panic and Nels rushes to change the subject. It doesn’t quite work, even when Nels reminds his wife about the store. Harriet muses some more as Caroline and Carrie leave.

That night, Nels puts out the lamp in the bedroom and tells his wife that he’ll try to be quiet when they leave tomorrow morning. She tells him not to worry because she is going to make them breakfast. And every meal on the trip. She rises out of bed and I cannot for the life of me figure out what is on her head. It looks like Coolio threw a tickertape parade on her scalp. I’m guessing she’s trying to curl her hair but it looks bizarre. Nels is shocked, not by the hair but by Harriet’s declaration that she will be camping with them. Nels tries every tactic he can think of to convince Harriet to stay but she won’t have any of it. Wah wah.

The next morning, Charles and the family are finishing packing up their stuff. The Olesons ride up and they chit chat about the beautiful weather. Charles offers to help unload the Oleson wagon and Harriet tells him she’ll take care of the package with the tea service. Why would you bring that? Caroline and Charles immediately know that the only person who would pack such a thing would be Harriet, so she must be coming along. Nels confirms this, so Charles and Caroline decide to have a confab in the barn. Charles says he will not go on the trip with Harriet Oleson. Caroline doesn’t like the situation either, but she does mention that Harriet is trying so hard to be nice so they should give her a chance. Charles mutters all Milton-like after Caroline leaves the barn to break the news that they won’t be going on the trip to her children.

Fight, Team, Fight 4/5

The circus marching band is headlining the pregame show as they stomp across the field. The visiting team is in green and white with giant yellow R's on the front of their shirts. Hmm, I guess they never said where this team is from, so I'm just going to call them the Riverdale Leprechauns. And running onto the field, dressed in black and white with giant red W's, the Walnut Grove wildcats. We see the event has gathered a crowd of tens. Pete, who is in his third J. Crew inspired sweater this episode, is standing by his wife who is dressed for Easter, parasol and all. She's a little freaked out by the size of the Leprechauns and asks her husband how he can send their son to certain injury. He assures her that Dan will only be a kicker and won't get pummeled. Charles gives Albert a pep talk that is actually just a reminder that if the boy feels pain he should get out of the game.

Albert and the opposing QB meet for the coin toss and Walnut Grove will be receiving. Albert is all smiles until the other QB says "I can hardly wait." I can't tell if he is being sinister or flirty. I'm guessing the former, but you never know. After some huddles the gameplay begins. Um, I'm a little out of my element here and there aren't any superimposed lines showing where first down is or anything like that, so just picture a game where Walnut Grove is getting demolished. There is one play where it looks like a wildcat runs in a big half-circle, which means that he would be going in the wrong direction at the end of the play. After the play ends, Harriet starts freaking out that Willie just got tackled (meaning I might be right about the backwards thing) but Nels tries to calm her down. They argue a bit, with Mr. Oleson reminding his wife that she bought the team uniforms. Of course she did.

Shortly after this distraction, a leprechaun scores. Coach Ellerbee is not pleased with this development. Some more plays happen and Pete is looking less and less pleased. Eventually Riverdale scores again. Then Walnut Grove fumbles the next kick-off. Yikes. Caroline is watching with about as much interest and understanding as me. Ellerbee calls for a timeout and tells Willie to fetch Albert. The coach tells Albert he isn't giving 100%, but the kid replies (while clutching his side) that he's trying but is in a lot of pain. Albert suggests that he should be taken out, but Ellerbee starts blah blah blahing about how football is meant to transcend pain. This would be the point where my friend Dan (die-hard Giants fan) would chant "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*".

Albert just looks at the coach blankly and doesn't really consent to going back onto the field, but Ellerbee sorta guides him back out there. Charles and Caroline saw that there was a conversation but assume everything is okay since Albert is going back onto the field. When Albert returns, the opposing QB tells him that Walnut Grove is playing like a bunch of girls. You kiss your mother with that mouth? Albert doesn't say anything until he gets to his team huddle where he says that Willie will run the next play. "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*" The next play starts and...wow. Walnut Grove scores a touchdown. Ellerbee is ecstatic as he grabs his son and throws him onto the field for the extra point. Of course, the scoring system they're using is the modern (as in 1980) system, not what would have been used in 1880. Anyway, Dan calls out the numbers, makes the kick, and scores the point. The marching band plays its approval.

More plays and after the third quarter the score is 20-14 Riverdale. On the next play, the Riverdale center totally biffs the toss and almost throws it into the crowd. All the players go after the ball, but Albert ends up at the bottom of the dog pile. He earns the possession, much to the displeasure of the opposing QB. On the next play Albert rushes the ball (big surprise) and finds himself at the bottom of another dogpile. As the players get up, we can see that the opposing QB was really putting his weight into it as he was on top of Albert. Caroline notices that her son is really hurt, but Charles assures her that Albert will get pulled. Ellerbee urges Albert to get on his feet and once the kid finally rises the crowd applauds. Charles decides to pull Albert himself. Charles calls time-out (I don't think he has that authority) and escorts his son off the field. Doc Baker takes a look at the boy and provides an instant diagnosis of at least two broken ribs. I guess his x-ray specs arrived in the mail after Albert's last office visit. Charles asks Ellerbee "what kind of man are you?" Uh, you signed off on letting Albert play, Pa.

Once the Ingalls leave, Ellerbee walks over to Dan and tells him that he will take over as QB. What? Since when does the kicker, or anyone on special teams, suddenly become QB? I guess that I should qualify what I said earlier: I'm out of my element when it comes to play-by-play, but I have a basic understanding of how the sport works. Dan seems to also have an understanding of the game as he questions his father's judgment. Coach says that Dan is the best the team has left. That's...really poor skill development on your part, Big Rock. Mrs. Ellerbee sees that her son is now on the field and proceeds to (rightfully) flip out on her husband. Pete completely dismisses her. Jerk.

The Raccoon 3/5

The family is gathered in the common room doing their nightly routine. Caroline takes Carrie to bed as the other girls are at the table finishing homework. Pa hears some scratching at the door and lets Jack in. The dog jumps on the table and Charles pulls him off and starts to play with him. Charles asks Laura where she was all day and she replies that she was looking for Jasper. She’s holding out hope that the raccoon will come back, but Pa tells her that maybe the animal has decided to stay in the woods. Pa tries to console Laura by pointing out that Jack is still there, but she blames the dog for all of her current woes. “It wasn’t Jack’s fault,” Mary interrupts, “Jasper bit him!” Mary Ingalls sucks at lies of omission. Laura calls her on this, but Pa intercedes to find out the whole story. Mary spills the beans and Charles tells the younger daughter that the raccoon could have ripped Jack to shreds. He continues by saying that this resolution is probably the best for all involved. The girls finish their homework in a pouty fashion.

Later that night, we see a raccoon sneaking into the henhouse. Jack is on the case and starts barking. I think the dog has had more lines of dialogue in this episode than Carrie had in the entire series. Anyway, the barking wakes up the girls and the sound of chickens getting mutilated wakes up Ma and Pa. Judging by the lack of wardrobe for Charles I think he and Caroline may have been up to something. Either that or Michael Landon felt the stupidity of the plot should be balanced out by some beefy man-chest action. He goes to the barn to investigate. After lighting a lantern, Charles notices some rustling in the loft. He goes to the ladder and then the camerawork gets all horror movie-like. When he gets midway up the ladder, about the point where his head would be above the base of the loft, a raccoon lunges at Pa’s face. Charles falls to the ground, but quickly gets up and grabs a pitchfork. As he makes quick work of the raccoon, the rest of the family runs out to see what’s going on. Charles notices them and tells Caroline and the kids to go back inside. Laura lingers until he tells her to go with her mother.

Back inside, Caroline is cradling a weeping Laura on the parents’ bed. Charles describes what happens as “sorrowful” and then tries to claim self-defense. Laura blames herself for what happened since she kept giving Jasper eggs. Mary is making her Kathy Selden face as she watches the scene unfold. Charles explains to Laura that raccoons have been harassing chickens for years, but Laura starts wailing “you were right!” Oh, to be eight again.

We now see Charles back in the barn wearing gloves and slowly stroking Jack’s head. Caroline comes in and starts to approach Charles, but he tells her to stay back. Uh oh, the raccoon had Rabies and Charles discovered that the bite Jack received broke the skin. The dog is now in quarantine in the barn.

The next morning Mary is going about her chores when she hears Jack yelping in the barn. She sees that the dog is tied up and goes to let him loose. I guess someone forgot to bring up at breakfast that the family dog might be rabid. Charles enters the barn just as Mary starts to work on the knot and he explains the situation. Mary starts to freak out since she knows Laura’s deep, dark, “my pet bit me” secret. She asks Pa through her tears if people can get Rabies from a bite and when he replies affirmatively, she hugs Pa and starts weeping. Mary finally tells Pa that Jasper bit Laura and starts doing that weeping/babbling thing that supposedly builds up the dramarama. This entire exchange is filmed in extreme close-up of Mary, which reveals one thing: Mary Ingalls sucks at crying.

Wave of the Future 4/5

Dinner time at the Ingalls again as the kids look expectantly at Pa making vittles in the kitchen. “Whatever it is it smells awful” mutters one of the daughters to the agreement of the rest of the brood. “Somebody saying something about the cooking?” Charles asks with gruff excitement. The kids hush up before getting busted. I think he’s serving the kids charred gristle. I must say I’m impressed the kids caught on to Charles’ plan almost instantly, unless the Raccoon squealed.

Later that night, Ma and Pa are talking about the restaurant and how Caroline tried unsuccessfully to give notice. Charles understands the situation, but you can see the gears turning in his mind. Not for how to get out of the situation, but for what he wants once the situation somehow corrects itself. “I want a turkey with bread and potato stuffing, sweet potatoes, hot rolls with butter, and a pie. No no! I want two pies! I want a mince pie and…”…a porcupie? I couldn’t quite catch that last one, but neither did Caroline as she fell asleep shortly before “sweet potatoes”.

Major Guffey is back at the restaurant counting the money all Name That Tune style with Mrs. Oleson. Even Harriet is exhausted at this point, but that doesn’t stop Guffey from moving the operation into Phase Three. Basically, Mrs. Oleson has to enlist two friends in other towns into Mrs. Sullivan’s cult, I’m sorry, army. On top of that, Mrs. Oleson would be their supervisor. She brings up the perfectly valid point that she can’t supervise three restaurants when she is struggling to maintain her own place. You would think the home office would be receptive to that sort of concern, particularly since they apparently do not allow her to hire any additional help as it is still only Caroline and Hester-Sue on the payroll. It should be noted that the restaurant is completely empty in this scene except for Caroline who is organizing silverware as she listens in on the conversation. Guffey’s response is to simply brandish the contract, though he doesn’t cite a specific section this time around. Of course, Mrs. Oleson probably still hasn’t read the thing so she is really not helping herself here.

Back at the homestead, Charles cautiously tastes a spoonful of what looks like Chef Boyardee ravioli and throws the spoon back into the pot. I’m probably right about the spoon’s contents because he rounds up the kids to take them to the restaurant. Grace just stares blankly at Charles. Honestly, why did they cast these two girls to play this character? Lack of acting skills aside (because, well, Mary Ingalls) the kids playing Grace aren’t even cute or adorable. Eh.

The restaurant is packed again and Mrs. Oleson is a little frazzled even before Charles drops off the army of children. Meanwhile, we see Nels finishing dinner preparation for his awful, awful children. There is a knock at the door just as Nels sits down. “Would one of you get that please?” he asks of Nancy and Willie. “I’m eating,” they both say. Wow, that would not fly in my house growing up and would have great difficulty working even today. Nels opens the door and it is Charles. Mr. Ingalls asks Nels if he’s tired of cooking all day and cleaning all night and basically playing Mr. Mom. “Well so am I,” says Charles, “and I think it’s time we did something about it.” “But what?” Mr. Oleson asks. Charles smiles, reaches to touch Nels and I’m starting to think we might be getting some Brokeback Prairie action up in here.

Instead, we cut back to the homestead at breakfast time. Charles wakes up Caroline who has overslept. Pa tells Ma that he has some work and they discuss who is taking the minivan and dropping off Albert at soccer practice. Or something along those lines. Charles keeps couching everything he is doing as some sort of “surprise”. “I can almost taste that turkey now,” he says as he heads out. “What?” Caroline asks.

That afternoon, the kids are doing shuttle runs in the restaurant dining room. Hester-Sue yells at them. Why they are running laps while wearing tap shoes I have no idea, but Caroline comes out of the kitchen to shoo the kids away. Mrs. Oleson pops out to icily ask why the kids are even there. The whole scene is weird throwaway dialogue. Anyway, Harriet is making the rounds with the coffee when an older couple enters the restaurant. Mrs. Oleson welcomes the couple who just returned from back east and wanted a slice of Caroline’s lemon meringue pie. Since Mrs. Sullivan only likes brown food, the only dessert option is chocolate cake. The couple decides to go across the street and get pie at the new restaurant there. New restaurant?

Mrs. Oleson goes to investigate and finds a sign that reads “Oleson’s Restaurant”. The downstairs of the Oleson house has been converted to a dining room with Charles wandering around playing the violin. First, how does zoning allow for that sort of use for space? Second, a violin? Really? Mrs. Oleson storms in and starts demanding answers, though I'm guessing her questions are different from mine. Nels is in the kitchen preparing a turkey plate that actually looks pretty appetizing. When Harriet asks what in blue blazes Nels is doing, he prattles on about free enterprise and competition. Speaking of, who’s minding the Mercantile? Mrs. Oleson is less than impressed and storms off.