Fight, Team, Fight 4/5

The circus marching band is headlining the pregame show as they stomp across the field. The visiting team is in green and white with giant yellow R's on the front of their shirts. Hmm, I guess they never said where this team is from, so I'm just going to call them the Riverdale Leprechauns. And running onto the field, dressed in black and white with giant red W's, the Walnut Grove wildcats. We see the event has gathered a crowd of tens. Pete, who is in his third J. Crew inspired sweater this episode, is standing by his wife who is dressed for Easter, parasol and all. She's a little freaked out by the size of the Leprechauns and asks her husband how he can send their son to certain injury. He assures her that Dan will only be a kicker and won't get pummeled. Charles gives Albert a pep talk that is actually just a reminder that if the boy feels pain he should get out of the game.

Albert and the opposing QB meet for the coin toss and Walnut Grove will be receiving. Albert is all smiles until the other QB says "I can hardly wait." I can't tell if he is being sinister or flirty. I'm guessing the former, but you never know. After some huddles the gameplay begins. Um, I'm a little out of my element here and there aren't any superimposed lines showing where first down is or anything like that, so just picture a game where Walnut Grove is getting demolished. There is one play where it looks like a wildcat runs in a big half-circle, which means that he would be going in the wrong direction at the end of the play. After the play ends, Harriet starts freaking out that Willie just got tackled (meaning I might be right about the backwards thing) but Nels tries to calm her down. They argue a bit, with Mr. Oleson reminding his wife that she bought the team uniforms. Of course she did.

Shortly after this distraction, a leprechaun scores. Coach Ellerbee is not pleased with this development. Some more plays happen and Pete is looking less and less pleased. Eventually Riverdale scores again. Then Walnut Grove fumbles the next kick-off. Yikes. Caroline is watching with about as much interest and understanding as me. Ellerbee calls for a timeout and tells Willie to fetch Albert. The coach tells Albert he isn't giving 100%, but the kid replies (while clutching his side) that he's trying but is in a lot of pain. Albert suggests that he should be taken out, but Ellerbee starts blah blah blahing about how football is meant to transcend pain. This would be the point where my friend Dan (die-hard Giants fan) would chant "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*".

Albert just looks at the coach blankly and doesn't really consent to going back onto the field, but Ellerbee sorta guides him back out there. Charles and Caroline saw that there was a conversation but assume everything is okay since Albert is going back onto the field. When Albert returns, the opposing QB tells him that Walnut Grove is playing like a bunch of girls. You kiss your mother with that mouth? Albert doesn't say anything until he gets to his team huddle where he says that Willie will run the next play. "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*" The next play starts and...wow. Walnut Grove scores a touchdown. Ellerbee is ecstatic as he grabs his son and throws him onto the field for the extra point. Of course, the scoring system they're using is the modern (as in 1980) system, not what would have been used in 1880. Anyway, Dan calls out the numbers, makes the kick, and scores the point. The marching band plays its approval.

More plays and after the third quarter the score is 20-14 Riverdale. On the next play, the Riverdale center totally biffs the toss and almost throws it into the crowd. All the players go after the ball, but Albert ends up at the bottom of the dog pile. He earns the possession, much to the displeasure of the opposing QB. On the next play Albert rushes the ball (big surprise) and finds himself at the bottom of another dogpile. As the players get up, we can see that the opposing QB was really putting his weight into it as he was on top of Albert. Caroline notices that her son is really hurt, but Charles assures her that Albert will get pulled. Ellerbee urges Albert to get on his feet and once the kid finally rises the crowd applauds. Charles decides to pull Albert himself. Charles calls time-out (I don't think he has that authority) and escorts his son off the field. Doc Baker takes a look at the boy and provides an instant diagnosis of at least two broken ribs. I guess his x-ray specs arrived in the mail after Albert's last office visit. Charles asks Ellerbee "what kind of man are you?" Uh, you signed off on letting Albert play, Pa.

Once the Ingalls leave, Ellerbee walks over to Dan and tells him that he will take over as QB. What? Since when does the kicker, or anyone on special teams, suddenly become QB? I guess that I should qualify what I said earlier: I'm out of my element when it comes to play-by-play, but I have a basic understanding of how the sport works. Dan seems to also have an understanding of the game as he questions his father's judgment. Coach says that Dan is the best the team has left. That's...really poor skill development on your part, Big Rock. Mrs. Ellerbee sees that her son is now on the field and proceeds to (rightfully) flip out on her husband. Pete completely dismisses her. Jerk.

Fight, Team, Fight 1/5

Generic marching band music plays in the background as we see someone looking through old newspaper clippings about football. The name Ellerbee keeps popping up, so I think it is safe to assume that he is the one who is reminiscing. One headline reads "'Big Rock' Crushes Princeton Defense" and above it is either an artist rendering of the event or a captionless "Far Side" comic. If it's the latter, it isn't very funny. The camera moves so that we see over Ellerbee's shoulder. A voice off camera says "Pete, it's getting late," so the man closes the album and rises from his seat. He walks over to a shelf and replaces the album. On top of the shelf is a trophy with a football resting in its cup. Pete grabs the football in such a way that for a second I think he is about to start making out with it. Ick, he licked his lips!

Before things get hot and heavy, Pete exits the room and joins his wife and son at the breakfast table. He mentions that he likes the study in this house better than the one in Boston. The son, Dan, finishes scribbling on a piece of paper and shows it to his mom. It's a decent drawing of a horse and Mrs. Ellerbee praises it. She hands the drawing to her husband saying, "our son has quite a talent." Pete puts down his coffee and replies, "too bad it doesn't extend to football." Alright then, guess we can check "exposition" off the to-do list. The parents have a passive-aggressive back-and-forth that pretty much boils down to "Daddy Issues". Oy, I'm recapping this through YouTube and the syndicated version was kind enough to bypass this. Anyway, Pete believes that moving back to Minnesota might help the boy "toughen up". I hope that wasn't your only reason for moving a thousand miles in the 1870's, particularly moving from bustling Boston to ho-hum Hero Township. Mrs. Ellerbee looks a bit sad as she watches this entire interaction between the males.

Meanwhile at the line of scrimmage, Albert is calling out tonight's lottery numbers as he waits for Willie to hike the ball. Albert takes the ball and runs into the resulting scrum. He then kind of rolls along the side of the commotion. It's weird to watch because there's a lot of people pushing against one another but no one trying to knock other people down. It's like one side is getting off a train while the other side is getting on. Ha, somehow Willie got trampled -- that's just sad. Albert is able to run the ball into the end zone as Nels, Pete and Dan watch from the sidelines. Pete says Albert has some potential and Nels agrees. Mr. Oleson calls Albert over to introduce him to the new people. For whatever reason Dan is wearing an ill-fitting cardigan along with ill-fitting pants -- it's really distracting. Mr. Ellerbee congratulates Albert on his last play before Nels introduces Dan. He mentions that Dan used to play football so Albert invites him to join the game. The boys run off just as Harriet starts screeching for Nels to join her at the school board meeting. Mr. Ellerbee follows Nels to the meeting.

We join in mid-meeting as Nels reports that new textbooks will be ordered soon. Wow, this is a well-attended meeting. There must be...eleven people here. Of course the only ones I recognize are Ellerbee, the Olesons and Charles. Laura's there too, but that's because school is about to resume once the meeting is over. The last item on the agenda is Mr. Oleson introducing Mr. Ellerbee. He shares a story about how "Big Rock" made Rutgers a powerhouse team while Nels quivered on Princeton's third string. Wait a minute, Nels went to Princeton? Why did he come back to Walnut Grove? I guess the writers wanted to establish some historical foundation since the first recorded football game was between Rutgers and Princeton. Ooo! Anachronism! Princeton was "The College of New Jersey" until 1896. Um, anyway, Nels finishes his anecdote and leads the crowd in a round of applause. Pete stands and tells the assembly that he decided to move back after retiring from a successful business. He thanks Nels for the kind words and then goes into a soliloquy about football. "Football is more than just a game: it's something that shapes a man's character and builds his confidence. Maybe no more than other life experiences but certainly among the very best." Eh. He then goes on to volunteer his services as a football coach. Everyone is floored by this. I'm just confused: who are they going to play? Isn't Sleepy Eye a day's journey away? Nels is more than happy to pass on the coaching duties and leads the group once again in a round of applause. "On to victory!" Ellerbee awkwardly says as you can see the air inflating his head. Oh dear.

Full disclosure time. If you can't tell by now, I'm not much of a football fan. My alma mater, Oberlin College, has an interesting football history. John Heisman, who the trophy is named after, was the coach at Oberlin in 1892 and 1894. The school is also the last Ohio school to beat Ohio State in a football game (way back in the early 1921). Then things went downhill. We had the longest losing streak in the country that spanned several years. At some point we won a game and immediately followed it with a new, longer losing streak that didn't end until my freshman year (including a game where we played against Swarthmore who also had an endless losing streak). The team has had a handful of wins each season since, but you won't be seeing us in any championships any time soon. However, I have been a coach for the last four years -- though my sport is bowling. Anyway, this isn't about me, so let's get back to the story.

Time for the first official practice under Coach Ellerbee. The boys are sitting on the ground in a line as Ellerbee walks in front of them giving a speech. "I can't promise you a championship what I can promise you is to teach you how to win and that's the hardest grueling work you'll ever know if you've got it in you you can become a winner but only if winning becomes the most important thing in your life that's right I said THE most important you have to become totally dedicated totally committed and totally fit if any of you can't handle that you can leave right now." (Willie does not stand up -- I lose that bet.) One of the challenges I have as a coach is giving speeches like this. First of all, I like punctuation so I think I lose a lot of the emphasis by insisting on using periods and commas. Also, maybe it is my own philosophy getting in the way, but I don't necessarily believe that you can teach someone how to win. I think you can teach someone how to set goals and how to frame what you consider a win, but a number of those outcomes involve factors that the athlete has no control over. Anyway, Ellerbee asks if the boys want to be winners and he keeps asking until he gets what he considers to be an appropriately enthusiastic "yes". It reminds me of what I wanted to do at our last bowling tournament this season. At the trophy presentation at this year's Super Bowl, Pittsburgh's coach shouted "STEELERS FOOTBALL IS SIXTY MINUTES!" I really wanted to crib that and say to my team "OBERLIN BOWLING IS TEN FRAMES!" but I honestly think I would have lost all the credibility I have built up these past few years.

Once Ellerbee gets an appropriate response, he starts the team on drills. Montage! Running! Propping up Albert's ego! A makeshift version of those things football players push around! Blocking! Punt returns! Woo! Ellerbee wasn't too satisfied with that last one. After he blows his whistle at the end of the play, he runs over to Dan and grabs him by the arms. I thought he was about to go all Bobby Knight on his son, but Pete just gets in Dan's face to tell him he is kicking the ball too low. Dan apologizes, but Pete isn't finished. "Do you think because you're an Ellerbee makes you special? You're wrong: it does. It means you have to work twice as hard as everybody else." Man, what a shitty proposition. Dan actually has to think about his response before he goes with the correct "Yes, sir." Ellerbee sends his son back into play. Albert, who was watching, seems really disappointed with what just transpired.

Country Girls 3/5

The next morning we see the girls walking into the Mercantile. Nels is working on a ledger at the counter and tells the girls he will be with them in just a moment. Laura asks Mary if she has the money and the older sister confirms that she does. We hear a door slam and Nellie and Willie run down the stairs. As soon as he spots the Ingalls girls, Willie starts saying “snipe” repeatedly until Nels tells him to pipe down. Nels then starts to shoo his children away as if they are squirrels at a bird feeder. I don’t think he likes his own kids that much, and it makes me like Nels that much more. Much like squirrels, the kids ignore their father and raid the candy canisters on the counter. Nels sighs as he walks over to assist the girls. Mary asks very politely for the tablet and slate. As he goes to retrieve the items, Nellie and Willie start bickering about the candy. Nellie sees an opportunity to rub in the fact that she can have as much candy as she wants. Mary just rolls her eyes.

Nels brings over the items and Mary pays him, saying that her coin should be enough for both items. Mr. Oleson confirms this, but informs the girls that they will also need to get a slate pencil if they don’t already have one. What? Why wouldn’t the slate come with a pencil? This must be the 19th century equivalent of “batteries not included”. Mary sheepishly says that they don’t have a pencil. “I don’t think the country girls have another penny,” Nellie says smugly. Nels turns to his children and orders them out of the store. Once the brats leave, Nels acknowledges that the girls might be short the money if they didn’t plan on this additional purchase. He offers to give the girls the pencil and have their Pa pay for it on his next visit, but Laura says, “No sir, cash on the barrel. Pa makes that a strict rule.” Nels smiles and agrees that the rule is a good one. He hints that it is a tricky rule to live by, but Mary politely declines before he can make the offer again.

The girls leave the store and sit on the steps. “That Nellie Oleson is the meanest girl I ever did see,” understates Mary. “I could never be that mean.” Laura looks at her sister and says “I could – meaner! -- if Ma and Pa would let me.” Normally I would say it is good to have goals, but maybe I shouldn’t encourage that particular one. Mary laments the fact that they still don’t have a slate pencil and Laura is afraid to ask Pa about it since he has provided so much already. You know, I think necessary school supplies would qualify as an acceptable expense, but Mary agrees with her sister instead of me. She thinks for a moment and remembers that they both have Christmas pennies they can use to get their pencil. Mary will use her penny to get the pencil and Laura will split her penny with her sister since they will be sharing the pencil. I guess they’ll be doing that tomorrow because they walk towards the school instead of back into the store.

We now join Miss Beadle as she assists Laura in reading a passage from Dicky Bird Land. Hmm, it looks like Amazon doesn’t carry it, but you can find some info about it here. However, the date attributed is circa 1890, which means I have to call anachronism. Anyway, Laura is struggling quite a bit with the text since there are a number of silent letters lurking about. You can tell that Miss Beadle is doing an awesome job, though it is unclear if she is working with Laura privately or if the whole class is watching this display.

Outside we see the kids at recess. A group of girls are playing Ring Around the Rosie. Laura voices over that recess was supposed to be fun, but all they do is play Ring Around the Rosie. I remember back when I was a toddler I would go to story time at the library which would end with a few rounds of RAtR. I couldn’t imagine playing continuously for twenty minutes, or however long recess is in Walnut Grove. Particularly the way these girls are doing it – it looks more like calisthenics than playing. Laura asks if they can play something else, but her request falls on deaf ears. It must be the plague kicking in.

Over at the Mercantile Nels is finishing up a transaction. As the customer leaves, he does that fake lecture thing that my boss is able to do that I could never do where he tells the woman to give his regards to Eli and that he should not be such a stranger. The woman thanks Nels and says she’ll pass along that message. As the woman leaves, Caroline walks in with a basket of eggs. She introduces herself and verifies that the Mercantile buys eggs. Nels says they do and an ominous voice from off-camera says “I do the buying.” Nels introduces his wife and before Caroline can finish saying “how do you do?” Harriet has already sharpened her talons as she looks at the eggs. “Nellie has already told me about your girls,” she says dismissively. Nels eavesdrops on the transaction and he already looks unhappy. Harriet daintily removes the cloth covering the eggs and notices that the eggs are brown. Harriet dismisses these, saying that they don’t bring in as much as white eggs. You know, Mrs. Oleson, there is no difference except for the color of the shell. Caroline mentions that some of the eggs are also double-yolks. This doesn’t impress Harriet and she tells Caroline that brown eggs get four cents less per dozen. Caroline thinks long and hard about it and eventually agrees on the price. Nels doesn’t like this one bit as he angrily cuts the cheese. Um, not a euphemism – there’s a cheese wheel right in front of him. I’m actually not sure how one would do that euphemistically.

That night Charles is smoking his after-dinner pipe as Caroline works on a cross stitch project. Charles remarks on how quiet it has been. Caroline thought he was alluding to the girls, but he’s actually talking about his wife. She’s still pretty steamed about her interaction with Mrs. Oleson. Charles smirks as Caroline says she can understand why Laura might not get along with Nellie if she is anything like Harriet. Caroline goes on to call bullshit on the "brown eggs bring in less than white eggs" spiel. Despite getting paid less for the brown eggs Caroline saw Harriet sell those eggs for the same price as the white ones. Charles offers to talk to Nels about it but Caroline warns him not to get involved in case Harriet decides not to buy any eggs at all. Caroline vows to win this battle. My money is on the home team. Charles reminds her about the “do onto others” mantra. She continues to aggressively cross stitch.

Harriet's Happenings 5/5

There is a stampede of women running through town. Harriet is peeking out the window of the Mercantile as she flips the closed/open sign to “Open” and sees the stampede running towards her building. “Nels, it’s going to be a banner day,” she squeals. I believe Nels is mumbling the “Serenity Prayer” to himself. Oops, Harriet forgot to unlock the door so she scampers over to let the crowd in. Wow, there are quite a few people at the store and they are grabbing all sorts of merchandise off the shelves. Nels tries to keep up with his ledger but fails instantly. At the door Harriet greets Mrs. Foster and they chit chat about the wonderfulness of the sale. Mrs. Foster has had her eye on a mantle clock and now she can afford it with the sale. Harriet walks over to the display and talks up the piece and Mrs. Foster is sold on it instantly. Mrs. Foster grabs the clock and heads for the door. Harriet chases after her to collect payment. “Of course not,” Mrs. Foster says. She shows Harriet the newspaper which reads “Public Service Sale. 100% off of everything.” Mrs. Foster leaves as Harriet has a conniption. People are leaving the store with armfuls of items as Nels joins in on the freakout. Once everyone is out, Nels closes and locks the doors and flips the sign back to “Closed”.

Outside the Oleson house we can see Laura and Albert laughing at their little prank. Meanwhile inside, Nels is trying to comfort Harriet who is lying down on the couch in the parlor. Nellie barges in screaming “I HATE YOU!” Her parents ask what the problem is and she shows them the paper. “With Nellie Oleson’s looks no boy will be seen out with her at night.” Hehehe. Harriet whines that she didn’t write that, but Nellie has already stormed out of the room. “They can’t do this to me,” Harriet continues, but Nels reminds her “there’s no such word as ‘can’t’.” Willie decides to help by pointing out the tidbit about Harriet. “We have it from a most reliable source that Mrs. Oleson hair is not all her own. And neither are her teeth.” She starts to sob. Before Nels comforts his wife, he winks at Willie who then smiles.

At the homestead, we can see that the Ingalls kids are in the loft eavesdropping on Caroline and Harriet. Caroline is assuring Mrs. Oleson that the kids are being punished by not being allowed to work at the paper. Harriet is not satisfied with this resolution, probably because they would have been fired regardless. She suggests horse-whipping. Caroline waits a beat before telling Harriet “If the items were wrong, I don’t know that they weren’t…” Harriet interrupts Caroline saying that those items were wrong. Caroline continues “then you can always print a retraction. Put it right on the front page – don’t stick it way in the back. Something to the effect of, um, ‘Contrary to published reports, Harriet Oleson does not have false teeth and does not wear a wig.’” Harriet looks horrified at the suggestion and I want to give Caroline a high-five. Harriet turns around and leaves without saying anything.

Later on we see that another issue of the paper is being distributed. Meanwhile, Pa is drilling a hole in the barn as Laura and Albert return from fishing. Charles notices they came back early and asks what happened. Laura produces a copy of the latest edition. Charles admonishes them for buying a paper, but Laura tells him Nellie just gave them a copy. According to her, Harriet wanted Albert to have a copy for free. Uh oh. Albert reads the article in question: “The joke of Walnut Grove. The whole town is laughing over the fact that Charles Ingalls young houseguest Albert No-Name calls Charles ‘Pa’. He even had the audacity to register the boy in Walnut Grove school as ‘Albert Ingalls’. But who are we to laugh? Perhaps the boy really is Charles’, in which case the joke is on Caroline Ingalls.” Charles looks heartbroken. Albert apologizes, saying it was his idea to change the type. Laura chimes in saying they were just trying to teach Mrs. Oleson a lesson. Noble effort, Half-Pint, but I think even fire, brimstone, and sulfur would fail at teaching Harriet Oleson a lesson. Albert says he’ll tell Mrs. Garvey to change his name back to “Albert”, but Charles tells him no. “You like being my son?” he asks. Albert says he does, and Charles replies “Well I like being your Pa, so that’s the end of that.” Laura mentions that there is an item about the Schillers in the paper also. “It was reported earlier in this column it was a sad mistake to pick the son of illiterate parents to represent Walnut Grove in the Spelling Contest. Perhaps Mrs. Garvey has learned her lesson this time. By the way, Mr. Garvey is considering buying his wife a ham for their fifteenth wedding anniversary and I call that true love.” Could you imagine what Harriet would have been like if MySpace and blogs were around in her lifetime? Geez Louise. Anyway, Charles vows to hold a mirror up to The Pen and Plow at church on Sunday.

As the bell rings outside church Sunday morning, Papa Schiller hands Charles a Bible. The congregation takes their seats inside as Charles walks up to the pulpit. Oh, I guess Charles is substitute preacher this week as Reverend Alden is absent. Charles blames nervousness as the reason for forgetting his own Bible and thanks Mr. Schiller for letting him borrow his. Charles has picked Exodus 20:16 as today’s source material. Charles suggests that Walnut Grove’s outstanding citizen should read the text and invites Harriet up to the pulpit. Oh gross, she has her homemade “Press” card pinned to the lapel of her jacket. Caroline and Doc Baker share a glance. There is quite a bit of symmetry in this episode. Charles reminds Harriet which passage she should read as she looks at the book. She does a double take and whispers to Charles “I can’t read this.” “Why, are you illiterate?” Charles asks. Heavy-handed enough for you, folks? Harriet says it is written in some foreign gibberish. “It’s not gibberish, it’s German,” Charles responds. Mama Schiller smiles at this. “Just because I can’t read German doesn’t make me illiterate,” Harriet states. Charles agrees and continues by saying the converse of that statement is true for the Schillers. Harriet slams the book closed and returns to her seat.

Charles goes on to commend the Schillers for their ability to speak two languages which is a rarity within this particular congregation. Charles also claims another person present today speaks two languages: Sterling Murdoch. “Mr. Murdoch’s second language is that of his newspaper The Pen and the Plow [sic]. It’s a language made up of half-truths, innuendos and outright lies. It’s the language of yellow journalism.” Sorry Charles, but I’m going to have to call Anachronism on you. The concept of “Yellow Journalism” didn’t really establish itself, at least under that terminology, until the mid-1880’s and that would have been in New York City. This probably would not have filtered its way to Walnut Grove until the 1890’s at the earliest, about fifteen years after this episode would have taken place. Anyway, Murdoch stands up and argues that church may not be the proper venue to discuss this issue. Harriet agrees with Sterling and I think I agree as well, particularly because the term “bully pulpit” was not coined until the early 1900’s. Charles, of course, disagrees and tells Harriet to sit down. Charles goes on to talk about his earlier encounter with Murdoch and the freedom of the press argument. Charles says he doesn’t believe that entails spreading lies, damaging a person’s name or hurting people. Ooo, you are treading into very gray and murky waters there, Charles. He goes on to say that this publishing philosophy is in direct conflict with the text selection of the day: The eighth commandment, which is “thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor”.

Charles asks rhetorically “why do you continue to support that paper? Do you derive that much pleasure from the pain and suffering of others? Or is it because it’s not you that’s being hurt?” Harriet clenches her jaw as her second cousin once removed glares at Mr. Ingalls. “When you go out and buy that newspaper on Saturday morning, you are supporting and encouraging the very sins that you decry in this church on Sunday.” Charles suggests that the congregation starts practicing what they preach. The congregation mulls over these words as Harriet makes a ridiculous pouting face. She looks like Droopy Dog. Charles then suggests that the congregation rise and sing “What a Friend”. Murdoch takes this moment to exit the church. As the crowd sings in that way that white Christians tend to sing, Nels whispers to Jonathan that he can stop by the Mercantile after church to pick up the dress.

Laura voices over that the newspaper went out of business about a month later and the town went back to normal. She reports that Pa hoped that a real newspaper would one day open in town. “’Freedom of the press,’ Pa says, ‘is as important as all our other freedoms and should never be abused.’” You know, if you ignore the fact that Joseph Pulitzer was a yellow journalist before becoming a philanthropist and the namesake of the Pulitzer Prize, I could almost agree with Charles. But I don’t.

Wave of the Future 5/5

When Charles returns home that evening, Caroline is already in bed. She is less than thrilled that Nels opened a competing restaurant and that Charles is in cahoots. Before Ma gets too bent out of shape, Pa presents her a copy of the contract that Harriet signed. Charles cites article twelve, paragraph two. Caroline reads it and her face lights up. “Do you think it will work?” she asks excitedly. “I told you,” Charles says, “trust me.” He takes a bite out of an apple and proceeds to eat it the way that Marmaduke would eat peanut butter. Thanks, Michael Landon.

Meanwhile, Nels enters his bedroom while Harriet files her nails. She warns Nels that he is attacking Mrs. Sullivan’s army. If she doesn’t get employee of the month I will be disappointed because she has totally bought into the company philosophy. Nels begins to reply, but Harriet tells him to shut up.

We now see Mrs. Oleson outside the restaurant shrieking about coupons for a two-for-one dinner special. I seriously doubt that the home office would allow her to offer a deal like that. She hands a coupon to a man in a Stetson, but she oversells when she tells him he can bring his wife or girlfriend. Maybe I’ll be getting my Brokeback Prairie action after all. Oh wait, Oleson’s Restaurant has a three-for-one deal. Harriet doesn’t seem to notice that until we do, but this episode seems to demonstrate that she doesn’t read the fine print, even if it is written in 12 inch letters.

A few hours later things have really slowed down at Mrs. Sullivan’s. Carrie is walking down the aisle bouncing a ball as the boys play checkers. The Raccoon is watching Ernie eat dinner, most likely trying to figure out how to get the scraps when he’s done. Hester-Sue and Mrs. Oleson are sitting at the table nearest the kitchen and Caroline joins them. Harriet starts shriek-weeping about how everyone likes Nels’ cooking. Caroline tries to console her by pointing out that Ernie is still there. Ernie gives a thumbs-up to the roast lamb. A frustrated Mrs. Oleson informs him that he is eating pan-fried steak. “Pan-fried huh? Oh. Well, don’t make much difference to me one way or another no more. I ain’t tasted nothin’ for five years, ever since that thrasher ran over my neck.” WHAT?!?! Where the hell did THAT come from? How does that even work? Why would a thrasher running over your neck affect your sense of taste? And how are you not dead? And why is no one in this scene horrified by this revelation?

Of course, Major Guffey decides that this is the best time to drop by. As Mrs. Oleson shriek-wails her travails, Guffey goes a little too deep with military metaphors about casualties and strategic maneuvers. This episode needs to end. Harriet hands over the receipts and he is less than impressed. He’s also not too keen on the fact that she did not expand the franchise as he instructed her to do. “I knew it was a mistake to let a woman command a post,” Guffey bellows. Mrs. Oleson is shocked that he would say such a thing, since the company is supposedly run by Mrs. Sullivan. There is no real Mrs. Sullivan, Guffey informs her, just a board of men that are calling the shots “as it should be”. Harriet acts as though Guffey shot and killed the Easter Bunny right in front of her. Guffey cites article twelve, paragraph two, which essentially allows the home office to cancel the franchise at any time. He tears up the contract and dishonorably discharges Mrs. Oleson.

Harriet runs across the street to find Nels. She shriek-cry-dry-heaves about what just happened, but somehow he already knew. That’s a shame. Harriet loses her franchise and her title of gossip queen all in two minutes because somehow word travels faster than she does. Nels calls the news wonderful, which enrages his wife. Harriet is about to concede when Nels reveals that tonight will be the last night of business for Oleson’s Restaurant. Charles came up with the plan to develop a successful competitor to Mrs. Sullivan so that the franchise would fail and that the restaurant can return to being Caroline’s. Awww. Way to earn your porcupie, Pa.

A few days later we see a carriage pulling up to Caroline’s as Harriet is sweeping the front steps. A man in a white suit exits the cab and walks towards her. The man asks, in a Kentucky drawl, if Harriet is in charge. The hell? A Colonel Sanders lookalike? Anachronisms aside, this is just really weird (though not as weird as another Sanders TV doppelganger). I suppose as fast food symbols go he is the only human-based one. Unless you wanted to incorporate the Hamburglar, but I really can’t imagine this as a two-part episode -- it’s barely a one-part episode. Anyway, he proposes a franchise that serves only fried chicken. Mrs. Oleson laughs at the idea, despite the Colonel calling his idea the wave of the future. Nels comes out of the restaurant as the man drives away. Harriet rehashes the idea and they share a laugh. I’m not sharing it with them.