Harriet's Happenings 5/5

There is a stampede of women running through town. Harriet is peeking out the window of the Mercantile as she flips the closed/open sign to “Open” and sees the stampede running towards her building. “Nels, it’s going to be a banner day,” she squeals. I believe Nels is mumbling the “Serenity Prayer” to himself. Oops, Harriet forgot to unlock the door so she scampers over to let the crowd in. Wow, there are quite a few people at the store and they are grabbing all sorts of merchandise off the shelves. Nels tries to keep up with his ledger but fails instantly. At the door Harriet greets Mrs. Foster and they chit chat about the wonderfulness of the sale. Mrs. Foster has had her eye on a mantle clock and now she can afford it with the sale. Harriet walks over to the display and talks up the piece and Mrs. Foster is sold on it instantly. Mrs. Foster grabs the clock and heads for the door. Harriet chases after her to collect payment. “Of course not,” Mrs. Foster says. She shows Harriet the newspaper which reads “Public Service Sale. 100% off of everything.” Mrs. Foster leaves as Harriet has a conniption. People are leaving the store with armfuls of items as Nels joins in on the freakout. Once everyone is out, Nels closes and locks the doors and flips the sign back to “Closed”.

Outside the Oleson house we can see Laura and Albert laughing at their little prank. Meanwhile inside, Nels is trying to comfort Harriet who is lying down on the couch in the parlor. Nellie barges in screaming “I HATE YOU!” Her parents ask what the problem is and she shows them the paper. “With Nellie Oleson’s looks no boy will be seen out with her at night.” Hehehe. Harriet whines that she didn’t write that, but Nellie has already stormed out of the room. “They can’t do this to me,” Harriet continues, but Nels reminds her “there’s no such word as ‘can’t’.” Willie decides to help by pointing out the tidbit about Harriet. “We have it from a most reliable source that Mrs. Oleson hair is not all her own. And neither are her teeth.” She starts to sob. Before Nels comforts his wife, he winks at Willie who then smiles.

At the homestead, we can see that the Ingalls kids are in the loft eavesdropping on Caroline and Harriet. Caroline is assuring Mrs. Oleson that the kids are being punished by not being allowed to work at the paper. Harriet is not satisfied with this resolution, probably because they would have been fired regardless. She suggests horse-whipping. Caroline waits a beat before telling Harriet “If the items were wrong, I don’t know that they weren’t…” Harriet interrupts Caroline saying that those items were wrong. Caroline continues “then you can always print a retraction. Put it right on the front page – don’t stick it way in the back. Something to the effect of, um, ‘Contrary to published reports, Harriet Oleson does not have false teeth and does not wear a wig.’” Harriet looks horrified at the suggestion and I want to give Caroline a high-five. Harriet turns around and leaves without saying anything.

Later on we see that another issue of the paper is being distributed. Meanwhile, Pa is drilling a hole in the barn as Laura and Albert return from fishing. Charles notices they came back early and asks what happened. Laura produces a copy of the latest edition. Charles admonishes them for buying a paper, but Laura tells him Nellie just gave them a copy. According to her, Harriet wanted Albert to have a copy for free. Uh oh. Albert reads the article in question: “The joke of Walnut Grove. The whole town is laughing over the fact that Charles Ingalls young houseguest Albert No-Name calls Charles ‘Pa’. He even had the audacity to register the boy in Walnut Grove school as ‘Albert Ingalls’. But who are we to laugh? Perhaps the boy really is Charles’, in which case the joke is on Caroline Ingalls.” Charles looks heartbroken. Albert apologizes, saying it was his idea to change the type. Laura chimes in saying they were just trying to teach Mrs. Oleson a lesson. Noble effort, Half-Pint, but I think even fire, brimstone, and sulfur would fail at teaching Harriet Oleson a lesson. Albert says he’ll tell Mrs. Garvey to change his name back to “Albert”, but Charles tells him no. “You like being my son?” he asks. Albert says he does, and Charles replies “Well I like being your Pa, so that’s the end of that.” Laura mentions that there is an item about the Schillers in the paper also. “It was reported earlier in this column it was a sad mistake to pick the son of illiterate parents to represent Walnut Grove in the Spelling Contest. Perhaps Mrs. Garvey has learned her lesson this time. By the way, Mr. Garvey is considering buying his wife a ham for their fifteenth wedding anniversary and I call that true love.” Could you imagine what Harriet would have been like if MySpace and blogs were around in her lifetime? Geez Louise. Anyway, Charles vows to hold a mirror up to The Pen and Plow at church on Sunday.

As the bell rings outside church Sunday morning, Papa Schiller hands Charles a Bible. The congregation takes their seats inside as Charles walks up to the pulpit. Oh, I guess Charles is substitute preacher this week as Reverend Alden is absent. Charles blames nervousness as the reason for forgetting his own Bible and thanks Mr. Schiller for letting him borrow his. Charles has picked Exodus 20:16 as today’s source material. Charles suggests that Walnut Grove’s outstanding citizen should read the text and invites Harriet up to the pulpit. Oh gross, she has her homemade “Press” card pinned to the lapel of her jacket. Caroline and Doc Baker share a glance. There is quite a bit of symmetry in this episode. Charles reminds Harriet which passage she should read as she looks at the book. She does a double take and whispers to Charles “I can’t read this.” “Why, are you illiterate?” Charles asks. Heavy-handed enough for you, folks? Harriet says it is written in some foreign gibberish. “It’s not gibberish, it’s German,” Charles responds. Mama Schiller smiles at this. “Just because I can’t read German doesn’t make me illiterate,” Harriet states. Charles agrees and continues by saying the converse of that statement is true for the Schillers. Harriet slams the book closed and returns to her seat.

Charles goes on to commend the Schillers for their ability to speak two languages which is a rarity within this particular congregation. Charles also claims another person present today speaks two languages: Sterling Murdoch. “Mr. Murdoch’s second language is that of his newspaper The Pen and the Plow [sic]. It’s a language made up of half-truths, innuendos and outright lies. It’s the language of yellow journalism.” Sorry Charles, but I’m going to have to call Anachronism on you. The concept of “Yellow Journalism” didn’t really establish itself, at least under that terminology, until the mid-1880’s and that would have been in New York City. This probably would not have filtered its way to Walnut Grove until the 1890’s at the earliest, about fifteen years after this episode would have taken place. Anyway, Murdoch stands up and argues that church may not be the proper venue to discuss this issue. Harriet agrees with Sterling and I think I agree as well, particularly because the term “bully pulpit” was not coined until the early 1900’s. Charles, of course, disagrees and tells Harriet to sit down. Charles goes on to talk about his earlier encounter with Murdoch and the freedom of the press argument. Charles says he doesn’t believe that entails spreading lies, damaging a person’s name or hurting people. Ooo, you are treading into very gray and murky waters there, Charles. He goes on to say that this publishing philosophy is in direct conflict with the text selection of the day: The eighth commandment, which is “thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor”.

Charles asks rhetorically “why do you continue to support that paper? Do you derive that much pleasure from the pain and suffering of others? Or is it because it’s not you that’s being hurt?” Harriet clenches her jaw as her second cousin once removed glares at Mr. Ingalls. “When you go out and buy that newspaper on Saturday morning, you are supporting and encouraging the very sins that you decry in this church on Sunday.” Charles suggests that the congregation starts practicing what they preach. The congregation mulls over these words as Harriet makes a ridiculous pouting face. She looks like Droopy Dog. Charles then suggests that the congregation rise and sing “What a Friend”. Murdoch takes this moment to exit the church. As the crowd sings in that way that white Christians tend to sing, Nels whispers to Jonathan that he can stop by the Mercantile after church to pick up the dress.

Laura voices over that the newspaper went out of business about a month later and the town went back to normal. She reports that Pa hoped that a real newspaper would one day open in town. “’Freedom of the press,’ Pa says, ‘is as important as all our other freedoms and should never be abused.’” You know, if you ignore the fact that Joseph Pulitzer was a yellow journalist before becoming a philanthropist and the namesake of the Pulitzer Prize, I could almost agree with Charles. But I don’t.