Harriet's Happenings 2/5

It must be Friday because a bunch of people are walking around town reading newspapers. Doc Baker must not have picked up a copy yet because he is organizing one of the cabinets in his office. Jonathan enters with a newspaper in hand and asks the Doc if he read a particular item. Jonathan’s tone suggests that something is amiss and Doc Baker asks if his name is spelled correctly. His name was spelled correctly in this tidbit: “Doctor Hiram Baker lost another patient when Ezra Jenkins died last Wednesday.” The Doc narrows his eyes as he announces that Ezra Jenkins was 96. Jonathan semi-playfully points out that the paper must be true because the article was written by “Walnut Grove’s Leading Citizen.” “Misleading Citizen is more like it,” grumbles Baker.

At the homestead that evening, Caroline is providing a snarky reading of one of the articles. “Claude Beakins has been spending an awful lot of time at Widow Foster’s house lately. One wonders if Claude’s wife knows about it.” First, Mr. Foster died? When did that happen? Charles is about as bemused by the article as his wife, pointing out that Claude was fixing the roof of the Foster house because that’s his job. Caroline shakes her head as she skims for another tasteless tidbit. “Mrs. Sally Larson has left her husband to return to Chicago. Could there be someone special in Chicago? Could the separation be permanent?” That would be a shame; the Larsons seemed so happy. Caroline fills in the details, “There is someone special: her father. And their separation could be permanent: he may die.” Charles is not pleased with this local news declaring, “If that’s culture, then I’m Abraham Lincoln.” He goes on to suggest that Caroline use the paper to start a fire and she seems to agree.

We now see a copy of the paper. “FLOOD HITS” something and immediately below the headline is the feature box for “Harriet’s Happenings”. Way to do layout, Murdoch. Wait a minute – is this episode a veiled slam on Rupert Murdoch? Even though he is Australian and his ancestors would have been nowhere near Walnut Grove or Minnesota? Oh, show. Anyway, in the feature box is a picture of Harriet and whoever is holding the paper has taken the liberty of penciling in her mustache and devil beard. Oh, it’s Willie. Good for him. Nels and Harriet enter the parlor and are both exhausted. I guess people saw the sale ad and it lead to the busiest day ever in the Mercantile. Harriet declares the paper a Godsend. She then instructs Nels to double the inventory order for next week’s sale which will be for 25% off after a 40% markup for a gain of 15% (WRONG: 5%). Nels says they can’t do that, but she replies “there’s no such word as ‘can’t’.” Nels is not happy about this but Harriet explains that paper subscriptions are pouring in and that it is because of her. “I am a success in every way,” she says as she dances around her husband. She’s successful at tap dancing on my nerves, I’ll give her that. “Including the worst way,” Nels sneers. He takes the paper from Willie to provide some examples. “Seven month married Helga Svenson gave birth to her first child, a baby boy. She claims it was premature.” Harriet is all like “Well, use your arithmetic.” Really, lady? Nels informs his wife that he talked to Doc Baker right after that particular delivery and the Doc said the baby was premature. Harriet sits down and claims there were rumors. Nels gives her a Journalism 101 lesson: Print facts, not rumors.

Willie pipes in that Nellie had a fondness for Helga’s husband back in the day and was not all to keen that he and Helga got hitched so she started a rumor or two. Journalism 102: Don’t reveal your sources, Harriet. She asks where Nellie is and Willie says she is upstairs crying. The local round of the spelling bee happened earlier and Nellie was knocked out by none other than Erich Schiller. “That Allison Garvey betrayed me,” seethes Harriet. Um, it’s a little difficult to rig a spelling bee unless you give one kid “cat” and the other “ergasia” (which MS Word doesn’t believe is a word), but I think people might catch on that the playing field isn’t exactly level. Nels tells his wife the test was fair and Erich is the smartest boy in school (except when the plot requires it to be Albert or Arnold Lundstrom). Harriet still says “Not fair!” and has added Alice Garvey to her list. I’m serious: she has a legal pad and everything.

The next day we see Jonathan going to the Mercantile. Did he find out about Harriet’s Enemies List? It doesn’t look like it as he starts browsing instead of confronting Mrs. Oleson. Harriet finishes with one customer before walking over to buy eggs from Caroline. Harriet asks if Caroline read this week’s paper and is trying to fish for compliments about “Harriet’s Happenings”. Caroline bluntly tells Mrs. Oleson that she found the tidbits to be “inaccurate”. Harriet, who is wearing her Press sun hat again, asks for some examples. Caroline mentions the items about the Beakins and the Larsons, but Harriet counters with “If they are untrue, and I’m not saying they are mind you, but IF they are untrue we shall certainly print a retraction.” Caroline is unimpressed with this, particularly after hearing that such retractions are printed in a small box mixed in with the ads. As expected, Harriet gets all petty about the slightest bit of criticism and tells Caroline that the Mercantile won’t be buying any more eggs in the foreseeable future. “I’m sure the hens will be relieved to hear that,” Caroline informs her. As she leaves, Jonathan whispers “That’s telling her.”

Nels finishes assisting a customer and walks over to help Jonathan. He jokes that the dress that Mr. Garvey is looking at is too small for him. Jonathan chuckles and says that he would like to get it for Alice for their 15th wedding anniversary. Nels looks at the price tag, but the price is a little steep for Jonathan. Nels offers to work something out but Harriet butts in with a reminder about the credit that was already extended to Alice. Nels tries to reason with Harriet but she says they can’t afford to extend credit on “frivolous items such as clothing.” She is, however, willing to make an exception on food and suggests a nice ham. Well, crystal is more traditional and a watch is more modern so Harriet’s suggestion isn’t that much more off the mark than what Jonathan was going for. Then Harriet suggests a rack of bacon, so I think Jonathan is now closer to the bullseye. Jonathan refuses the offer and Harriet walks away, muttering to Nels “overgrown ingrate”. Was she talking about Jonathan or herself? Nels apologizes and Jonathan asks for Nels to hold the dress until Jonathan gets a loan.