Fight, Team, Fight 4/5

The circus marching band is headlining the pregame show as they stomp across the field. The visiting team is in green and white with giant yellow R's on the front of their shirts. Hmm, I guess they never said where this team is from, so I'm just going to call them the Riverdale Leprechauns. And running onto the field, dressed in black and white with giant red W's, the Walnut Grove wildcats. We see the event has gathered a crowd of tens. Pete, who is in his third J. Crew inspired sweater this episode, is standing by his wife who is dressed for Easter, parasol and all. She's a little freaked out by the size of the Leprechauns and asks her husband how he can send their son to certain injury. He assures her that Dan will only be a kicker and won't get pummeled. Charles gives Albert a pep talk that is actually just a reminder that if the boy feels pain he should get out of the game.

Albert and the opposing QB meet for the coin toss and Walnut Grove will be receiving. Albert is all smiles until the other QB says "I can hardly wait." I can't tell if he is being sinister or flirty. I'm guessing the former, but you never know. After some huddles the gameplay begins. Um, I'm a little out of my element here and there aren't any superimposed lines showing where first down is or anything like that, so just picture a game where Walnut Grove is getting demolished. There is one play where it looks like a wildcat runs in a big half-circle, which means that he would be going in the wrong direction at the end of the play. After the play ends, Harriet starts freaking out that Willie just got tackled (meaning I might be right about the backwards thing) but Nels tries to calm her down. They argue a bit, with Mr. Oleson reminding his wife that she bought the team uniforms. Of course she did.

Shortly after this distraction, a leprechaun scores. Coach Ellerbee is not pleased with this development. Some more plays happen and Pete is looking less and less pleased. Eventually Riverdale scores again. Then Walnut Grove fumbles the next kick-off. Yikes. Caroline is watching with about as much interest and understanding as me. Ellerbee calls for a timeout and tells Willie to fetch Albert. The coach tells Albert he isn't giving 100%, but the kid replies (while clutching his side) that he's trying but is in a lot of pain. Albert suggests that he should be taken out, but Ellerbee starts blah blah blahing about how football is meant to transcend pain. This would be the point where my friend Dan (die-hard Giants fan) would chant "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*".

Albert just looks at the coach blankly and doesn't really consent to going back onto the field, but Ellerbee sorta guides him back out there. Charles and Caroline saw that there was a conversation but assume everything is okay since Albert is going back onto the field. When Albert returns, the opposing QB tells him that Walnut Grove is playing like a bunch of girls. You kiss your mother with that mouth? Albert doesn't say anything until he gets to his team huddle where he says that Willie will run the next play. "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*" The next play starts and...wow. Walnut Grove scores a touchdown. Ellerbee is ecstatic as he grabs his son and throws him onto the field for the extra point. Of course, the scoring system they're using is the modern (as in 1980) system, not what would have been used in 1880. Anyway, Dan calls out the numbers, makes the kick, and scores the point. The marching band plays its approval.

More plays and after the third quarter the score is 20-14 Riverdale. On the next play, the Riverdale center totally biffs the toss and almost throws it into the crowd. All the players go after the ball, but Albert ends up at the bottom of the dog pile. He earns the possession, much to the displeasure of the opposing QB. On the next play Albert rushes the ball (big surprise) and finds himself at the bottom of another dogpile. As the players get up, we can see that the opposing QB was really putting his weight into it as he was on top of Albert. Caroline notices that her son is really hurt, but Charles assures her that Albert will get pulled. Ellerbee urges Albert to get on his feet and once the kid finally rises the crowd applauds. Charles decides to pull Albert himself. Charles calls time-out (I don't think he has that authority) and escorts his son off the field. Doc Baker takes a look at the boy and provides an instant diagnosis of at least two broken ribs. I guess his x-ray specs arrived in the mail after Albert's last office visit. Charles asks Ellerbee "what kind of man are you?" Uh, you signed off on letting Albert play, Pa.

Once the Ingalls leave, Ellerbee walks over to Dan and tells him that he will take over as QB. What? Since when does the kicker, or anyone on special teams, suddenly become QB? I guess that I should qualify what I said earlier: I'm out of my element when it comes to play-by-play, but I have a basic understanding of how the sport works. Dan seems to also have an understanding of the game as he questions his father's judgment. Coach says that Dan is the best the team has left. That's...really poor skill development on your part, Big Rock. Mrs. Ellerbee sees that her son is now on the field and proceeds to (rightfully) flip out on her husband. Pete completely dismisses her. Jerk.

Fight, Team, Fight 1/5

Generic marching band music plays in the background as we see someone looking through old newspaper clippings about football. The name Ellerbee keeps popping up, so I think it is safe to assume that he is the one who is reminiscing. One headline reads "'Big Rock' Crushes Princeton Defense" and above it is either an artist rendering of the event or a captionless "Far Side" comic. If it's the latter, it isn't very funny. The camera moves so that we see over Ellerbee's shoulder. A voice off camera says "Pete, it's getting late," so the man closes the album and rises from his seat. He walks over to a shelf and replaces the album. On top of the shelf is a trophy with a football resting in its cup. Pete grabs the football in such a way that for a second I think he is about to start making out with it. Ick, he licked his lips!

Before things get hot and heavy, Pete exits the room and joins his wife and son at the breakfast table. He mentions that he likes the study in this house better than the one in Boston. The son, Dan, finishes scribbling on a piece of paper and shows it to his mom. It's a decent drawing of a horse and Mrs. Ellerbee praises it. She hands the drawing to her husband saying, "our son has quite a talent." Pete puts down his coffee and replies, "too bad it doesn't extend to football." Alright then, guess we can check "exposition" off the to-do list. The parents have a passive-aggressive back-and-forth that pretty much boils down to "Daddy Issues". Oy, I'm recapping this through YouTube and the syndicated version was kind enough to bypass this. Anyway, Pete believes that moving back to Minnesota might help the boy "toughen up". I hope that wasn't your only reason for moving a thousand miles in the 1870's, particularly moving from bustling Boston to ho-hum Hero Township. Mrs. Ellerbee looks a bit sad as she watches this entire interaction between the males.

Meanwhile at the line of scrimmage, Albert is calling out tonight's lottery numbers as he waits for Willie to hike the ball. Albert takes the ball and runs into the resulting scrum. He then kind of rolls along the side of the commotion. It's weird to watch because there's a lot of people pushing against one another but no one trying to knock other people down. It's like one side is getting off a train while the other side is getting on. Ha, somehow Willie got trampled -- that's just sad. Albert is able to run the ball into the end zone as Nels, Pete and Dan watch from the sidelines. Pete says Albert has some potential and Nels agrees. Mr. Oleson calls Albert over to introduce him to the new people. For whatever reason Dan is wearing an ill-fitting cardigan along with ill-fitting pants -- it's really distracting. Mr. Ellerbee congratulates Albert on his last play before Nels introduces Dan. He mentions that Dan used to play football so Albert invites him to join the game. The boys run off just as Harriet starts screeching for Nels to join her at the school board meeting. Mr. Ellerbee follows Nels to the meeting.

We join in mid-meeting as Nels reports that new textbooks will be ordered soon. Wow, this is a well-attended meeting. There must be...eleven people here. Of course the only ones I recognize are Ellerbee, the Olesons and Charles. Laura's there too, but that's because school is about to resume once the meeting is over. The last item on the agenda is Mr. Oleson introducing Mr. Ellerbee. He shares a story about how "Big Rock" made Rutgers a powerhouse team while Nels quivered on Princeton's third string. Wait a minute, Nels went to Princeton? Why did he come back to Walnut Grove? I guess the writers wanted to establish some historical foundation since the first recorded football game was between Rutgers and Princeton. Ooo! Anachronism! Princeton was "The College of New Jersey" until 1896. Um, anyway, Nels finishes his anecdote and leads the crowd in a round of applause. Pete stands and tells the assembly that he decided to move back after retiring from a successful business. He thanks Nels for the kind words and then goes into a soliloquy about football. "Football is more than just a game: it's something that shapes a man's character and builds his confidence. Maybe no more than other life experiences but certainly among the very best." Eh. He then goes on to volunteer his services as a football coach. Everyone is floored by this. I'm just confused: who are they going to play? Isn't Sleepy Eye a day's journey away? Nels is more than happy to pass on the coaching duties and leads the group once again in a round of applause. "On to victory!" Ellerbee awkwardly says as you can see the air inflating his head. Oh dear.

Full disclosure time. If you can't tell by now, I'm not much of a football fan. My alma mater, Oberlin College, has an interesting football history. John Heisman, who the trophy is named after, was the coach at Oberlin in 1892 and 1894. The school is also the last Ohio school to beat Ohio State in a football game (way back in the early 1921). Then things went downhill. We had the longest losing streak in the country that spanned several years. At some point we won a game and immediately followed it with a new, longer losing streak that didn't end until my freshman year (including a game where we played against Swarthmore who also had an endless losing streak). The team has had a handful of wins each season since, but you won't be seeing us in any championships any time soon. However, I have been a coach for the last four years -- though my sport is bowling. Anyway, this isn't about me, so let's get back to the story.

Time for the first official practice under Coach Ellerbee. The boys are sitting on the ground in a line as Ellerbee walks in front of them giving a speech. "I can't promise you a championship what I can promise you is to teach you how to win and that's the hardest grueling work you'll ever know if you've got it in you you can become a winner but only if winning becomes the most important thing in your life that's right I said THE most important you have to become totally dedicated totally committed and totally fit if any of you can't handle that you can leave right now." (Willie does not stand up -- I lose that bet.) One of the challenges I have as a coach is giving speeches like this. First of all, I like punctuation so I think I lose a lot of the emphasis by insisting on using periods and commas. Also, maybe it is my own philosophy getting in the way, but I don't necessarily believe that you can teach someone how to win. I think you can teach someone how to set goals and how to frame what you consider a win, but a number of those outcomes involve factors that the athlete has no control over. Anyway, Ellerbee asks if the boys want to be winners and he keeps asking until he gets what he considers to be an appropriately enthusiastic "yes". It reminds me of what I wanted to do at our last bowling tournament this season. At the trophy presentation at this year's Super Bowl, Pittsburgh's coach shouted "STEELERS FOOTBALL IS SIXTY MINUTES!" I really wanted to crib that and say to my team "OBERLIN BOWLING IS TEN FRAMES!" but I honestly think I would have lost all the credibility I have built up these past few years.

Once Ellerbee gets an appropriate response, he starts the team on drills. Montage! Running! Propping up Albert's ego! A makeshift version of those things football players push around! Blocking! Punt returns! Woo! Ellerbee wasn't too satisfied with that last one. After he blows his whistle at the end of the play, he runs over to Dan and grabs him by the arms. I thought he was about to go all Bobby Knight on his son, but Pete just gets in Dan's face to tell him he is kicking the ball too low. Dan apologizes, but Pete isn't finished. "Do you think because you're an Ellerbee makes you special? You're wrong: it does. It means you have to work twice as hard as everybody else." Man, what a shitty proposition. Dan actually has to think about his response before he goes with the correct "Yes, sir." Ellerbee sends his son back into play. Albert, who was watching, seems really disappointed with what just transpired.

I'll Be Waving as You Drive Away 6/10

Wow, this episode opens up right away with dialogue. Doctor Burke is reiterating that Mary is going to go blind. Then Mary freaks out and starts screaming about the darkness. That was fast. Almost immediately Mary calms down, sits in the rocker downstairs and has to listen to her Ma tell her that she is getting shipped off to Iowa to go to a school for the blind. Despite the choppy editing so far, all this action seems eerily familiar, like I've seen it before.

We now see a wagon approaching what looks like a school. Pa and Mary are passengers in the wagon and disembark once they reach their destination. Before heading inside, Pa tells the driver that he will need to return to the train station to catch a four o'clock train. Inside the school, the headmaster invites Pa from the lobby to finish up the paperwork. Mary just stays in her seat and tries to get absorbed into the background. A few moments later, a male voice from off screen calls out "I'm looking for a Mary Ingalls." Mary takes a moment before declaring herself Mary Ingalls. The man introduces himself as Adam Kendall AKA Mary's new teacher. He also says that he is there to escort Mary to her room. That doesn't sound sketchy.

The headmaster and Charles head upstairs to check out Mary's room. Before going in, the headmaster tells Pa to keep things brief. Pa was hoping to spend the afternoon with Mary, particularly since his train doesn't leave for a few hours. The headmaster poo poos this, saying that the longer the goodbyes get drawn out, the more painful it will be for everyone involved. The headmaster opens the door and we can see the reflection of Adam and Mary in the mirror. There doesn't appear to be any hanky panky going on, but having the door closed seems entirely inappropriate. The headmaster gets Adam out of the room then starts the clock on Charles' goodbye. Pa breaks the ice by saying the room looks nice, but Mary's response is more "oh! Pa is here!" Before she gets too excited, Pa lies and tells her that he was able to catch an earlier train. Dude, that's cold. Granted, telling Mary you have to leave because the school told you to would make your last moments together turn into a negotiation session, but this lie makes it seem like you couldn't get away from your handicapped daughter fast enough. Boo! Mary is about as unimpressed as I am and when she and her father hug she begs him not to leave her there. Pa just says "I love you", pries Mary off his torso and scoots out the door. The headmaster only told you to be brief, Charles, not be an asshole. After Charles goes down the stairs, the headmaster tells Adam "school begins."

Adam knocks on Mary's door before barging in. He tells Mary that her bag is on the bed and she can have some down time to rest and unpack. "Unpack?" Mary asks, horrified. "I...can't." Adam is not phased by this and tells her she has to. Adam tells Mary that supper is at six and then departs. Mary stands there for a moment, then tries to feel her way through the room. Mary slowly works her way around the bed until she gets her bag in her hand. She then turns around and gropes, er, blindly for the dresser. Mary feels around the surface of the dresser so she can set her bag down and then starts to feel the mirror, which must be there strictly for dramatic effect. This school thought of everything. Mary and her reflection burst into tears.

Oleson Versus Oleson 3/5

Mrs. Oleson is...climbing down from a tree? I guess she wanted to see what Nels was up to in the Mercantile but didn’t want to be seen herself. She apparently doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary so she sulks back to the boarding house. Percival is setting up the restaurant dining room and greets Harriet as she passes through on her way to the kitchen. The “fire/cholera/bank robber is about to break out” music starts to play as Harriet returns from the kitchen with a cup of coffee. Is the coffee poisoned? The music stops when Percival starts chatting with his mother-in-law. She starts complaining about how her livelihood is gone now that Nels is working the Mercantile without her. That situation is your own doing, Mrs. Oleson: the law had nothing to do with it. Caroline comes in as Harriet whines and Percival advises that she go back and apologize to Nels. Harriet starts to agree with him, but Caroline comes out of the kitchen and tells her she shouldn’t and that Harriet should fight for what’s hers. It’s another general (Caroline)/specific (Harriet) argument that is just going to lead to more trouble. Oh, maybe that’s what the cholera music was foreshadowing.

Harriet is taken aback by Caroline’s suggestion that she stand her ground about the Mercantile and is even more surprised when Mrs. Ingalls suggests that the women in town band together to further the cause. Caroline stands and tells Percival that she can’t cook today and tells Harriet that she must fill in for her. I should try that at work sometime – get all riled up about a cause and then have someone fill in because I tell them to, nobly.

Montage! Caroline chats up the petition with three schoolgirls, the leader of which dresses young but looks to be about forty. They politely refuse Caroline, but she shall persevere! Then we see her going door-to-door and getting refused before she reaches the period of her first sentence. She blocks the second door about to close on her with her foot, gives the women a look that says “bitch, please” and ends up invited into the house. We see her exit later with a look of accomplishment on her face.

Back at the homestead, Caroline is getting ready for work and talking through the process with the Raccoon. Caroline hands Grace a doll and the girl says something to her in I think Japanese. Seriously, I did not get a word of what she said, but Caroline replies with a polite “oh really?” Caroline then kneels down and gives the Raccoon a hug. The hell? Albert and Carrie walk in and Caroline asks about their school day. Carrie says “Fine! [More Japanese] Asia!” Albert notices his Ma’s overnight bag and asks what that is all about. Caroline gathers the kids around and tells them that she is going to be hanging out at the boarding house for a few days to “have an adventure and prove something to your father.” Albert asks if Pa is going too, but Caroline says he isn’t and that the kids should still be themselves and have a good time. Albert and Carrie ask about various chores and duties and Caroline takes great delight in telling them to leave it to their father to figure out. This is starting to become rather Brady Bunch in its execution – I’m not sure how I feel about that. As Caroline walks out, she tells the kids they can visit her at Nellie’s and reminds them to have a good time.

Dinnertime at the Oleson house. Willie is really going to town on his dinner when Nels walks in from the kitchen. He tells the boy to slow down but of course Willie doesn’t listen. There is a knock at the front door and Nels gets up to answer. Charles is there and he tells Mr. Oleson that Caroline has moved into the boarding house with Harriet. Nels is all like “Old news, old man,” and adds that Caroline has gone around town and chatted with all the women to encourage them to leave their husbands until the petition is signed. I kinda want to get Caroline this shirt. This news really causes Charles to dig in his heels until Nels confides that he might go ahead and sign. He liked things the way they were before but Charles warns him that this is exactly what the women want. Charles gets all “one for all!” about his position in the debate and he and Nels shake on the idea of not signing the petition. After Charles leaves, Nels rejoins Willie at the table. Nels looks at his plate and notices it’s empty. Willie! Chew with your mouth closed.

At the Wilder house, Laura is working on her lesson plans as Almanzo meekly exits the kitchen with cups of coffee. Almanzo tells his wife that he is surprised that Caroline didn’t ask her to move into the boarding house also. Laura says that she did which makes Almanzo all kinds of nervous. He asks if she is going to go, but Laura isn’t sure yet. If she does go it would be more to support her Ma than her Ma’s cause. Almanzo says the situation is crazy and Laura suggests that he sign the petition to help end the craziness. He says he will as soon as Charles signs it. Laura doesn’t think Pa will ever sign it. Almanzo says he has to work with the guy, but Laura reminds Manly that he has to live with her. He apologizes before the fight escalates.

Breakfast at the restaurant is packed with just about all of the wives of Walnut Grove. Harriet is working the floor and having a good time of it. Nellie and Percival, who are both working in the kitchen, seem to be having a little less fun while Caroline is grinning at the stove. After Harriet leaves to do coffee rounds, Nellie talks about how the restaurant has never been so busy. Maybe if they came up with a new efficient system...nah. Percival asks what Caroline said to all the women but she replies that it’s easy to make the sale when you believe in the cause. True that.

Back at the Ingalls’ place, things aren’t going as swimmingly. The Raccoon is having a tantrum of sorts and Charles is trying to calm her down. Albert and Carrie are leaving for school, but Charles tells them they haven’t finished breakfast. The kids are late for school, so they run out the door. Charles puts the Raccoon in her high chair and tries to calm her down with some bacon. Um, she’s not a schnauzer, Charles. He goes to the kitchen to make some oatmeal while the kid continues to freak out. Pa tries to calm her down with some milk, but she is not interested. Meanwhile, the oatmeal boils over and Charles burns himself on the stove. He yells towards the Raccoon, in the friendliest way one can yell, “don’t cry!” I’m not sure if that was more for Grace or for Charles.

The Award 4/5

That night Mary is studying by moonlight in the bedroom loft. Laura wakes up and asks Mary what she is doing. It turns out that Mary is doing her next day’s homework since she spent all her time at the shop studying for the exam because Miss Beadle spooked her. Mary also lets on that she plans on taking the exam and believes that if she wins Ma will be proud instead of furious. Laura is a little dubious about this and asks what will happen if Mary doesn’t win and Ma finds out about the exam. Mary pauses then says “I’ll just have to win.” Surely I can’t be the only person reminded of this.

The next day after school Mary runs over to the mercantile and promptly studies. Oh, it’s a montage of a day in the life of Mary Ingalls. She’s just like us! She reads books! She rakes straw near cows! She gets water from the creek! She yawns at school! Wasn’t that exciting?

It’s three weeks later and that means it is payday. Mr. Oleson hands Mary $1.50 and she runs over to the book shelf to get the replacement copy of the burned text. She hands over the dollar and walks away. Mr. Oleson offers a bag but Mary politely refuses. Phase one of Mary’s plan is complete.

Phase two is emphasized the next day as Miss Beadle finishes writing “EXAMiNATiON TOMORROW” on the blackboard. All caps and the underlining I can understand, but the lower case I’s are not sitting well with me. A little too MySpace, wouldn’t you agree xXBeadle69Xx? Anyway, she also verbalizes the reminder about the exam, letting the kids who aren’t taking it know that there will be an extra hour of recess. Laura’s face lights up at this, but Mary is non-responsive. Is she asleep? Poor kid. Laura tells her sister to hurry up, but Mary is going to stick around to talk to Miss Beadle. Mary returns the book and thanks the teacher for letting her borrow it. Miss Beadle asks if Mary has been working too hard these last few weeks. “I used to throw up,” she shares, referring to coping mechanisms for anxiety. Mary has no reaction to this, not even an “ew.” I can see that Miss Beadle is just trying to help, but this is a really awkward conversation to watch.

Back home Caroline is setting the table and comes across a half-dollar. Mary walks in and Ma asks if she knows where the money came from. Mary says the money was from her job and she wanted to put it towards fixing the barn. Caroline is concerned that fifty cents for three weeks work is incredibly unfair. Mary claims that she didn’t have to work that hard and she learned a lot. See, this is where Mary runs into unnecessary trouble. Ma already knows that the fire was caused by Mary studying, so revealing that the book got burned shouldn’t get Mary into any additional trouble. If Mary said she was working to pay for a replacement text, I think Ma would have been more than okay with that. Instead, Caroline is all suspicious now. Way to go, Mary.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 4/5

Laura and Albert are in their jammies sitting on a bed, deep in thought. They’re also mourning Ms. Wilder’s departure. Laura’s sympathy is a little stretched as she knows that if Ms. Wilder leaves, so will Almanzo. Poor Laura. They decide they need to come up with a plan, but nothing is jumping to mind. They go to sleep.

The next day, Laura meets up with Almanzo outside the post office. She acts like she just found out about Ms. Wilder and he confirms the story. He also acknowledges that if Eliza leaves, he’ll be leaving Walnut Grove, too. They share a moment. Where’s Chris Hanson?

As Manly drives away, Albert runs up to Laura with some news. He has a copy of the werewolf book Ms. Wilder showed in class. They go through a lengthy and annoying deductive proof that eventually results in a plan to scare Bart with a werewolf. Even Laura is skeptical about this, but Albert pulls her along to his secret lab of buffoonery.

Oh, so the papier-mache stuff from earlier was relevant. The Raccoon waddles up to Laura and Albert who are working on a large mold. “What on Earth is that?” asks the Raccoon robotically. Strange, she sounds a little like Caroline. Oh, it was Caroline from off-screen. Albert says it is a project for school, specifically a rock. Caroline is a little skeptical of the artistic merit and practicality of a papier-mache rock, but she let’s the kids continue their work.

What follows is a semi-montage of supply gathering. They are cutting up something in the woodshed, maybe rope of some sort. We then see Laura trim off the beard of a man sleeping on a porch. We don’t get a good look of the before, but considering how much hair she chopped off it could not have been good. He looks alright now, though a little groggy. The Ingalls run off before Beardo realizes what happened.

Silent Promises 3/5

FIRE!! Oh, it’s the hearth in the Page living room. As Nathan is sitting down, Laura asks if he would like some coffee. He says alright, then Laura signs “coffee for father” for Daniel who goes to fulfill the request. Oops, did he forget to sign “Hi, I’m Daniel and I’ll be your server today?” Mr. Page asks Laura how she did that and she explains the concept of sign language. She starts to flip through a manual, but Nathan says he needs his glasses. Before he can get up to retrieve them, Laura signs “spectacles for father” and Daniel goes and grabs them. Nathan is dubious, claiming that Daniel saw the book being opened and, knowing that his father can’t read without his glasses, went to retrieve them. Laura asks why Mr. Page is being so resistant. “I’ve been living with him for fifteen years,” he says, “next thing you’ll tell me he can hear.” Eh, at least it’s not an accusation of witchcraft. Goody Ingalls asks Nathan to ask Daniel something. Nathan wants Daniel to show him the picture of Daniel’s mother. Laura demonstrates “show me mother’s picture” and Nathan mimics. He then signs it for Daniel, who complies with the request. Nathan is wowed and Laura goes for the kill with her sales pitch. Nathan then asks how he can tell Daniel he loves him. Aw. And then they make out…just kidding. They do hug and Laura smiles.

We then see a montage of Nathan reading up on his sign language. After watching him learn the first few letters of the alphabet, we dissolve into a scene of the father and son signing the Lord’s Prayer by Daniel’s bedside. I’ll probably be upgrading my ticket to Hell for saying this, but it looks like they’re doing some sort of Holy Hand Jive.

The next day at the Ingalls’ place, Albert bursts through the front door telling everyone to come out and look at his finished work. Everyone goes outside, though no one is more reluctant than Bandit. Albert uncovers the dog house and the family congratulates him. Bandit just looks around like most dogs do. He’s not having anything to do with the dog house. Both of the dogs I had growing up were indoor dogs, so a dog house was never an issue, but I doubt either one would have been enthusiastic about being expected to live in a dark enclosure. Well, my second dog might have, but only in the case of thunderstorms because she would be hiding. But we wouldn’t be leaving her outside in that situation, so it’s kind of a moot point. Albert is trying to goad Bandit, but the dog is totally non-responsive. I don’t think he has fully adopted Albert the way the other Ingalls have. Just saying.

Wave of the Future 2/5

The next day, the Oleson’s are meeting with Major Guffey to discuss the progress of the renovations. The dining room has a lot of bare, rectangular, Ikea tables set up in rows. According to Guffey, seating capacity has increased by 22%. Of course, with additional tables and chairs I would think the fire capacity would decrease, but that might not be relevant until act three. Mrs. Foster stops by to peek at the progress. Mrs. Oleson quickly shoos her away, actually pushing her out the door. That’s some quality customer service there, Harriet.

As Mrs. Foster is leaving, Almanzo is pulling up with the latest stool delivery. He and Mrs. Oleson call them chairs, though she is alarmed at the fact that there are no backs on any of the seats. Major Guffey’s theory, or “secret” as he calls it, is that if the customers don’t sit around all comfy like, there will be more customer turnover, thereby bringing in more money. Stop drooling, Harriet. You see, this is where I start to have a problem with the whole conceit of this episode. Walnut Grove is the Guam of this developing fast food nation at this point with a population that couldn’t possibly support this sort of franchise. Yes, people will leave the restaurant eventually, but not everyone in Walnut Grove is going to be dining out on the same night. Besides not being part of the lifestyle of the community, there are several families that couldn’t afford to eat there even if they wanted to. Unless Sleepy Eye became a booming metropolis while I wasn’t looking, the economics of the situation do not make much sense.

Anyway, Harriet acquiesces to the stools so Almanzo leaves to bring in the rest of the shipment. “Thank you Zaldo—um---Almanzo,” stutters Mrs. Oleson. Hehe. Another man enters the dining room with a box that he places on the table. The box contains all the franchise accessories, from plates to custom napkins. The color scheme is Emerald City green with Price is Right yellow lettering. Best of all, the Olesons are required to buy the accessories from the parent company. Nels balks at this, but Major Guffey brings out the contract quoting the article and paragraph number about this stipulation without having to read the document. Yeah, you’re in trouble if one party of a contract is able to do that sort of thing.

Mrs. Oleson tries to negotiate changing the green (not a bad idea), but is interrupted by the delivery of the new sign. The Olesons are not as ecstatic about the sign as Major Guffey is. Since Harriet didn’t actually read the contract, she wasn’t aware that the name of the restaurant was going to change from Caroline’s to Mrs. Sullivan’s. Guffey pulls Mrs. Oleson aside and tells a ridiculous story about a man lost in the wilderness who sees a beacon in the darkness. That beacon is a Mrs. Sullivan’s Restaurant, with all the garishness that is about to befall Walnut Grove. I’m not sure if the man lost in the wilderness is supposed to be Jesus, but whoever it is, let’s hope he’s color-blind. Guffey’s point is that someone should be able to know what to expect regardless of which Mrs. Sullivan’s Restaurant one finds himself. Harriet falls for it, but Nels knows pure hogwash when he sees it.

It is opening night and Harriet is putting the finishing touches on the aprons that Hester-Sue and Caroline are wearing. “My troops are ready,” Mrs. Oleson giggles as she heads to the door, ready to let in the large crowd that has gathered. She then does a countdown because…the contract told her to? I’m sharing Hester-Sue’s worried glance right now. Ernie leads the charge of the crowd, taking time to admire the fanciness of it all. He would just about die at the luxuriousness of Denny’s. Ernie asks to see a menu, but there are only three options: Beef Stew, Roast Chicken, and Pan-Fried Steak. Hester-Sue has to repeat the list louder (“HUH?”), which causes Harriet to come over, shush Hester-Sue and then explain in way too much detail why the menu has changed. Hester-Sue appears to be mumbling the Serenity Prayer to herself as Harriet finishes taking the order. “You see,” Harriet condescends, “it’s called the ‘Wave of the Future’,” to which Ernie replies “IT’S WHA?” That’s one point for Ernie.

Hester-Sue delivers the order to Caroline. Harriet asks Caroline how things are going and things seem pretty easy so far. Hester-Sue takes out Ernie’s order and gets the thumbs-up (“THUMBS WHA?”). Nels comes in to see how the grand opening is going. Harriet sees him and for whatever reason becomes frazzled at the number of people in the restaurant. She asks Nels to help out even though neither of them have had their own dinner yet. We then go into a montage of cuh-RAY-zee food service, ending with Nels and Hester-Sue crashing in the doorway.

Later on, a weary Caroline and Hester-Sue leave as the Olesons tally up the opening night receipts. It was their largest one-day haul and Harriet is beaming that everything the Major said has come true. Nels is less than thrilled, mainly because they worked harder in one shift then they ever had before and the goal was to lessen their collective workload. Harriet reluctantly agrees, but says that the Major said that the volume should taper off a bit. I would agree, since the grand re-opening of the only restaurant in town is probably going to cause a spike in visits. “Trust me,” Harriet says, playfully pinching Nels’ chin. He smiles.