Annabelle 1/5

A pied piper is leading the children of Walnut Grove through a field. Oh dear, what sort of grim fairy tale is about to unfold here? Did Mrs. Oleson refuse to pay someone for rat removal? Oh, Billy Barty is in this episode. That must mean the circus is in town. Hey! It’s Ken Berry! You see, I think Ken Berry would probably be a nice guy in real life, but he has made some really bad career decisions. Aside from Mama’s Family, he was also in that stupid backdoor pilot episode of the Brady Bunch with the couple that adopts a dozen or so kids of different ethnicities. The Brady Bunch and the politics of race do not mix, though that episode was one of the few times any people of color were on the show, so I guess it deserves props for that. What was I talking about?

Oh right, the circus. Anyway, Ken Berry channels his inner Willy Wonka and tells the kids to “keep up with London.” One of the kids, probably Willie, asks if his last name is “Bridges”. No, he’s like Prince, Madonna, or Cher (if she could turn back time, that is) and goes by just London. Laura asks “London, England or London, Ontario?” I don’t understand the question, but he dismisses it with a “neither one.” He then goes on to describe his creation myth where he sprung fully formed from Emmitt Kelly’s head on some random hillside. Laura then asks how much they can earn. Her questions are really coming out of nowhere today. He answers that “to all of those who pitch in and do their darndest: a freshly washed, unbelievably shiny nickel.” The kids “ooh” and “aah” at this. London’s also going to throw in a ticket to the show. Hmm, his inner Wonka does not seem bent on annihilating these children. Boring.

London leads the drove of kids to the circus tent where they get set to work. After a few of the tasks are completed, London compliments them on how hard they are working. He says he’ll send a good word to Mr. Oleson, causing Willie to brownnose that he can tell his Pa for London. London asks Willie to tell Nels that he won’t be able to make it into town for the circus parade but that he will see him later with a few good words about his “progeny”. Willie says he’ll deliver the message then asks Laura what “progeny” means. “It’s you,” she tells him. He surmises that if it is about him, it can’t be good.

Send in the sad clowns. The town is lined up along the central dirt patch in town to watch the circus parade. There’s a band, a clown on stilts, an elephant, a fat lady, the whole magilla. There’s a shot of Harriet overjoyed as she points at a unicyclist in the distance. Nels walks over to the sad clown/grand marshal and welcomes him to Walnut Grove. He asks where London is and the clown pantomimes that he went off drinking and then stumbled off for a nap. The crowd gets a kick out of this, but Nels is a bit confused. Don’t be a fuddy duddy, Oleson. Nels tells the clown to spread the word that there’s a huge spread over at the restaurant for the circus to enjoy. Harriet then points out the fat lady and makes some sort of snide remark, en Francais. Nels glances over and a look of horror crosses his face. Harriet makes a few more classless comments as Nels runs into the Mercantile.

We rejoin Nels as he sits on his bed. Harriet enters the room to check her makeup and asks her husband what’s wrong. He tries to parry the question and is mostly successful as Harriet tells him he should head over to the restaurant since the circus people will be there. Nels claims to have stomach trouble, but Harriet tells him it’s just nerves as she adjusts her dress in the mirror. Harriet looks over and sees that Nels doesn’t even have his tie tied and she gives him a pep talk as she fixes him up. She finishes the talk by reminding him of how much money is at stake. You know, it was a nice moment those two were having before her miserly ways kicked back in. She mentions that there were dozens of people who haven’t been in the Mercantile in ages, causing Nels to suggest that maybe he should work at the store during lunch. He’s deflecting for some reason, but I don’t think it’s “clownophobia”.

Billy Barty escorts the large lady into the restaurant. Nels is hiding out in the kitchen while Caroline loads the plates for service. Laura enters and announces that the sad clown from earlier has arrived. She’s loading up a plate as she talks about how the clown can’t talk in real life. Caroline muses about how he has made the most of his situation as she watches Laura pile scoop after scoop of mashed potatoes onto the plate. Laura says it is for the fat lady. Contrary to popular belief, not all fat people are eating machines, Laura. Caroline suggests that Laura serve a normal helping and that seconds are available if anybody wants them. Nels sheepishly announces that he should go into the dining room. What has him so skittish?

Nels enters the dining room and the only performer to notice is the fat lady. She tries to say something as Nels walks by but he doesn’t even notice. He is really failing at being a maitre d’ this afternoon. He joins Harriet at the table by the window who asks where he’s been the whole time. He claims to have been supervising the kitchen to make sure everything is hunky-dory. Willie walks by with a plate of food. He explains to his mother that it is a tall order. Huh? The fat lady (is she Annabelle? I really don’t want to keep calling her “fat lady”) looks over at the Olesons’ table and appears to give Harriet the evil eye. Harriet makes a starving elephant comparison and Nels decides that he forgot something at the store. The fat lady watches him leave the restaurant. Meanwhile, Willie’s working the upstairs drive-thru and hands the plate to the clown on stilts. Oh, “tall order”. Ha.

Oleson Versus Oleson 5/5

Laura hides behind a tree as Charles storms out of the church/school house. That’s not a good sign and Laura knows this. She goes inside to speak with Caroline who is angrily pacing up and down the aisle. Uh oh, it turns out Laura may have fibbed a little when setting up this meeting. Caroline is disappointed that Laura tricked her and even though Laura meant well, negotiations have deteriorated further. Caroline storms out the back door of the building while Laura tries to come up with a Plan B.

Dinner time at the homestead and the Raccoon is not in the mood. Pa tries to sell his stew as “almost as good as Ma makes”, but Grace isn’t buying it. Albert uses this impasse as an opportunity to ask if women need to be taken care of. Charles doesn’t really want to have this conversation, but he humors the boy. He explains that men and women help each other, but Albert pushes forward the theory that Charles won’t sign so he can take care of his woman. Charles denies this and puts an end to the conversation. Pa tries once more to feed the Raccoon, but she just starts to whimper.

Later on, Charles rides into town and runs into Almanzo and Nels. All the men have gathered outside of the restaurant because they have given up on cooking. The three decide to eat together until Reverend Alden asks if he can join in. Charles walks in and the place is packed. It looks like the entire population of Walnut Grove is eating out tonight and Percival informs Charles that there won’t be any food left by the time a table becomes available. This is all accentuated by some child screaming. As the men leave, Nels notices Harriet literally strutting over with a piece of chocolate cake. She waves it in front of his face before sitting down and partaking in the sweetness. Nels gets a murderous glint in his eyes, but he leaves before the scene gets interesting.

Outside the men try to come up with a backup plan when Reverend Alden suggests raiding the church pantry. All the men and screaming children from the restaurant gather in the church. There doesn’t seem to be any food, so I guess the plan is to turn the church into a de facto Moose Lodge and go from there. Or maybe they’re just waiting for a dozen pizzas to be delivered. As Almanzo and company continue to grouse about their current predicament, Charles says that he thinks Caroline’s crusade is finally sinking in. Although Walnut Grove may not necessarily need the effects of a petition, there might be parts of Minnesota that do. He claims that he has been so busy calling his wife foolish that he didn’t listen to what she was saying. Nels asks if Charles is going to sign and he replies yes.

The men head out of the church and over to the restaurant. The March of the Matriarchs plays as Charles enters the dining room. All the ladies look up as Charles confronts his wife. He grabs the pen behind Caroline’s ear and signs the petition that is hanging on the wall. Harriet is blown away by this. Charles turns around and hugs Caroline as the rest of the men sign. Once the signing is done, all the couples leave the boarding house hand in hand. It looks a little like Noah’s Ark Cruise Lines has reached a port and all the tourists are scrambling. Laura voices over that Caroline won her fight and the petition is moving along in the legislative process. “She said someday,” Laura’s voiceover continues, “that women will even have the right to vote. Maybe, but I doubt it.” Way to pay attention to current events, Laura.

Oleson Versus Oleson 4/5

Laura is walking up to the boarding house with a suitcase in her hand. Caroline hugs her as she walks into the restaurant. She takes Laura’s bag but before she leaves the room Laura asks if they are doing the right thing. Caroline says that they are, but Laura is dubious about how successful this petition drive is going to be. She becomes more concerned when Caroline tells her that Percival is the only signer so far. Caroline shares her daughter’s concern but reminds her that if you believe in something you have to be courageous enough to stick with it. Laura isn’t fully comforted by this pep talk and she doesn’t look forward to the possibility that Pa might never sign the petition. Caroline reminds Laura that Charles can be stubborn sometimes but he is a fair man and will come around eventually. As the two of them walk toward the stairs, a couple of ladies come down the stairs and are excited to see the new member in the ranks.

Over at the Mercantile, a group of customers have surrounded Nels and are shouting their orders at him. Really? Harriet was the only person capable of enforcing the concept of a line? Nels is getting overwhelmed and inventory is starting to run low. One customer is asking for diaper materials even though he bought some yesterday. “It beats washing ‘em,” he explains. If you think that’s wasteful, you might be surprised. As Nels squeezes his way past some customers to get to the baby supplies, we see that Harriet has disguised herself as a ranch hand to spy on Nels. But is it for the cause or for her? Before we get the answer to that question, Mrs. Foster comes in and gives the fellas a “well, well, well” speech. “Don’t you know how to cook,” she sneers to her husband Orville. “That’s one thing you and I have in common, woman,” he replies. Eh, they’re both tied at zero right now on my scoreboard. Mrs. Foster doesn’t like being called “woman”, so she grabs a handful of flour and throws it at her husband. A flour fight breaks out and Nels runs over to the counter to try to stop it. Harry-et is not impressed with what she is observing, but she does get a kick out of Nels getting pummeled in the flour fight.

The restaurant is packed again at dinner time and Harriet (out of drag) is working the floor. Mrs. Foster calls Mrs. Oleson to her table so that she can tell the other ladies sitting there about how “Nels took the store away.” I’d like to hear this story too, since that’s not what happened. When Harriet gets to the table, we cut to an exterior shot of the restaurant and only hear muffled voices. What was the point of that scene?

Back at the Wilder house, Almanzo is in his pajamas and has poured himself a glass of milk. He doesn’t seem too happy with the current situation. We hop on over to the homestead where Charles, also in his pajamas, has poured himself a glass of milk. We then hear a bowling ball fall from a table and The Raccoon screaming and crying for her mommy. At the Oleson place, Nels completes the pajama/milk trifecta. Except the milk pitcher is empty. Willie!

The next day, Laura runs back to her house where Almanzo is attempting to follow a recipe. The two hug when Laura gets to the kitchen and she tells her husband that they need to work together to get Pa to sign the petition. Almanzo reminds her that they agreed to stay out of this and let Caroline and Charles figure it out, but Laura is still fairly certain that some intervention will be required. Laura has to go and says they can chat about a plan later. Before Almanzo can chase after her, a pot boils over on the stove.

Laura’s next stop is the homestead where Pa is in the barn milking the cow. Pa’s joke about Laura conferring with the enemy falls flat and he blames it on the town not having much of a sense of humor these days. Laura ignores the self pity and asks how Pa is doing. He mentions the Raccoon being in “freakout” mode 24/7 which Laura attributes to the kid missing her Ma. Laura asks if Pa misses Ma, and he says that he does. Laura says Ma misses Pa also and he seems surprised by this. Laura says that Caroline wants to talk with him, but he wants to have the conversation on neutral ground. Laura suggests the church and Pa agrees. Laura looks awfully pleased with herself.

Oleson Versus Oleson 3/5

Mrs. Oleson is...climbing down from a tree? I guess she wanted to see what Nels was up to in the Mercantile but didn’t want to be seen herself. She apparently doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary so she sulks back to the boarding house. Percival is setting up the restaurant dining room and greets Harriet as she passes through on her way to the kitchen. The “fire/cholera/bank robber is about to break out” music starts to play as Harriet returns from the kitchen with a cup of coffee. Is the coffee poisoned? The music stops when Percival starts chatting with his mother-in-law. She starts complaining about how her livelihood is gone now that Nels is working the Mercantile without her. That situation is your own doing, Mrs. Oleson: the law had nothing to do with it. Caroline comes in as Harriet whines and Percival advises that she go back and apologize to Nels. Harriet starts to agree with him, but Caroline comes out of the kitchen and tells her she shouldn’t and that Harriet should fight for what’s hers. It’s another general (Caroline)/specific (Harriet) argument that is just going to lead to more trouble. Oh, maybe that’s what the cholera music was foreshadowing.

Harriet is taken aback by Caroline’s suggestion that she stand her ground about the Mercantile and is even more surprised when Mrs. Ingalls suggests that the women in town band together to further the cause. Caroline stands and tells Percival that she can’t cook today and tells Harriet that she must fill in for her. I should try that at work sometime – get all riled up about a cause and then have someone fill in because I tell them to, nobly.

Montage! Caroline chats up the petition with three schoolgirls, the leader of which dresses young but looks to be about forty. They politely refuse Caroline, but she shall persevere! Then we see her going door-to-door and getting refused before she reaches the period of her first sentence. She blocks the second door about to close on her with her foot, gives the women a look that says “bitch, please” and ends up invited into the house. We see her exit later with a look of accomplishment on her face.

Back at the homestead, Caroline is getting ready for work and talking through the process with the Raccoon. Caroline hands Grace a doll and the girl says something to her in I think Japanese. Seriously, I did not get a word of what she said, but Caroline replies with a polite “oh really?” Caroline then kneels down and gives the Raccoon a hug. The hell? Albert and Carrie walk in and Caroline asks about their school day. Carrie says “Fine! [More Japanese] Asia!” Albert notices his Ma’s overnight bag and asks what that is all about. Caroline gathers the kids around and tells them that she is going to be hanging out at the boarding house for a few days to “have an adventure and prove something to your father.” Albert asks if Pa is going too, but Caroline says he isn’t and that the kids should still be themselves and have a good time. Albert and Carrie ask about various chores and duties and Caroline takes great delight in telling them to leave it to their father to figure out. This is starting to become rather Brady Bunch in its execution – I’m not sure how I feel about that. As Caroline walks out, she tells the kids they can visit her at Nellie’s and reminds them to have a good time.

Dinnertime at the Oleson house. Willie is really going to town on his dinner when Nels walks in from the kitchen. He tells the boy to slow down but of course Willie doesn’t listen. There is a knock at the front door and Nels gets up to answer. Charles is there and he tells Mr. Oleson that Caroline has moved into the boarding house with Harriet. Nels is all like “Old news, old man,” and adds that Caroline has gone around town and chatted with all the women to encourage them to leave their husbands until the petition is signed. I kinda want to get Caroline this shirt. This news really causes Charles to dig in his heels until Nels confides that he might go ahead and sign. He liked things the way they were before but Charles warns him that this is exactly what the women want. Charles gets all “one for all!” about his position in the debate and he and Nels shake on the idea of not signing the petition. After Charles leaves, Nels rejoins Willie at the table. Nels looks at his plate and notices it’s empty. Willie! Chew with your mouth closed.

At the Wilder house, Laura is working on her lesson plans as Almanzo meekly exits the kitchen with cups of coffee. Almanzo tells his wife that he is surprised that Caroline didn’t ask her to move into the boarding house also. Laura says that she did which makes Almanzo all kinds of nervous. He asks if she is going to go, but Laura isn’t sure yet. If she does go it would be more to support her Ma than her Ma’s cause. Almanzo says the situation is crazy and Laura suggests that he sign the petition to help end the craziness. He says he will as soon as Charles signs it. Laura doesn’t think Pa will ever sign it. Almanzo says he has to work with the guy, but Laura reminds Manly that he has to live with her. He apologizes before the fight escalates.

Breakfast at the restaurant is packed with just about all of the wives of Walnut Grove. Harriet is working the floor and having a good time of it. Nellie and Percival, who are both working in the kitchen, seem to be having a little less fun while Caroline is grinning at the stove. After Harriet leaves to do coffee rounds, Nellie talks about how the restaurant has never been so busy. Maybe if they came up with a new efficient system...nah. Percival asks what Caroline said to all the women but she replies that it’s easy to make the sale when you believe in the cause. True that.

Back at the Ingalls’ place, things aren’t going as swimmingly. The Raccoon is having a tantrum of sorts and Charles is trying to calm her down. Albert and Carrie are leaving for school, but Charles tells them they haven’t finished breakfast. The kids are late for school, so they run out the door. Charles puts the Raccoon in her high chair and tries to calm her down with some bacon. Um, she’s not a schnauzer, Charles. He goes to the kitchen to make some oatmeal while the kid continues to freak out. Pa tries to calm her down with some milk, but she is not interested. Meanwhile, the oatmeal boils over and Charles burns himself on the stove. He yells towards the Raccoon, in the friendliest way one can yell, “don’t cry!” I’m not sure if that was more for Grace or for Charles.

Sylvia 6/10

1981 – Albert secretly plans to marry Sylvia to prevent her father from taking her to another state.

Part Two of this episode starts out in front of the school. Albert drops off his stuff at the base of the steps and says hi to Marcy. She takes one look at him then runs off. Before he can start moping about his lack of luck with the ladies, Laura comes out and asks her brother to come inside. “What’s going on with everybody?” Albert asks. Laura breaks the news that Willie has been talking. Surprise! Mrs. Oleson listened in on Doc Baker’s phone call with Mr. Webb. Now word is traveling around that Albert is the father. Even they are surprised that Mrs. Oleson would stoop that low. Albert grits his teeth saying “If they want to believe it, they can believe it,” and he storms out of the school. Not the best exit line, but at least I’m getting his vibe.

Laura chases after Albert but he asks her to let him go. She agrees and he walks over to where Willie is chatting with some other boys. “You’ve been saying stuff about me,” Albert says. “Only the truth,” Willie replies, “my mother told me.” “Lord knows your mother wouldn’t lie,” Albert sneers. “So it’s true about you and trampy Sylvia?” Willie asks to the laughter of those gathered. “Yes it’s true, and she’s not a tramp.” Albert then slugs Willie across the face, again. I’m not going to lie; I do find those punches to be strangely cathartic. Anyway, Albert runs off while Willie complains about his bloody nose.

We catch up with Ma and Pa at the homestead after Albert has gone to bed. They are pretty shocked about the day’s events and that people can be so cruel. I find that to be a tad naïve. I mean, they’ve lived in Walnut Grove for how many years now and they still don’t know how horrible Mrs. Oleson can be? You may not approve of her behavior, I certainly don’t, but she is pretty consistent and shock no longer seems like an appropriate response. Back to the story, Albert told Pa that he didn’t want to go to school anymore. Ma doesn’t really like the sound of home schooling, but Pa says it would only be temporary. She agrees then she starts talking about what she would like to do to Mrs. Oleson. Now we're talking. Pa is the only one who seems to be naïve in this situation. Good for you, Caroline. She decides to go for a walk to calm down.

The next day we see Sylvia walking past the well at her house. Oh dear, this is all shot from the perspective of someone watching her from a shack or a barn and it is obvious that she doesn’t see the watcher. She goes to the barrels alongside the building and whoever is watching is walking up to her. Sylvia is completely oblivious to the fact that someone is approaching. A hand reaches out and touches her shoulder. “No!” she cries and she runs away. Albert is there and calls out to her as she runs off. Asshole. Not Albert but Michael Landon who wrote this episode. She turns around and sees that it is Albert and not a mime from Hell. Albert tells her it’s alright and she hugs him. “I thought it was him,” she sobs. Albert has no idea who she is referring to, and she tells him about the man in the mask. “Don’t be afraid,” Albert tells her, “I love you.” Aww.

Mrs. Oleson goes into the restaurant all chipper and shrill as if she didn’t destroy the life of some 14 year old girl who has done nothing objectionable. Seriously, Sylvia is nice, the way that oatmeal is nice, and I still cannot wrap my brain around why all the adults in town think she’s the bad seed. Harriet goes into the kitchen where Caroline is kneading some dough. Willie told his mom what happened and Harriet wanted to offer the most insincere apology possible to Caroline. How considerate. “He was only repeating what he heard from his mother,” Caroline seethes as she works the dough. Harriet objects to the implicit accusation. “I never ever called that girl a tramp,” claims Mrs. Oleson. I don’t doubt that; I think she used far more offensive terminology. Caroline cuts off Harriet: “All you did was listen in on a private telephone conversation, add a few lies of your own, and spread it all over Hiro Township.” Mrs. Oleson is pretty steamed at this point and aggressively goes through a sack of baby clothes she brought over for Sylvia. “We don’t need your charity,” Caroline states. “Don’t be ridiculous!” Harriet snaps. Caroline stops kneading and asks her to leave. Instead of reading the room, Harriet decides to go into a self-righteous rant about how Caroline will be that baby’s grandmother. Caroline’s response: slapping the dough smack dab in the middle of Mrs. Oleson’s hateful face. Dude! Awesome! Ten points! Caroline walks out, telling Nellie she’ll be back in an hour and that Harriet better be gone. I think she’s going to get a tattoo or something else equally badass.

Albert and Sylvia are sitting on a log in the woods. Albert doesn’t understand why Mr. Webb hates him or how he can blame Sylvia for what happened. Sylvia wishes she could run away and be with Albert. Albert kisses her and you can see that some wheels are turning in his mind. Sylvia says she needs to go but agrees to meet up with Albert the next day. They exchange “I love yous” and finalize their meeting plans.

Sylvia is working the stove as her father shows Mr. Hartwig the house. The price is 1500 (man, he got hit hard by the housing crisis) and Hartwig wants some time to think about it. Webb is eager to sell, so he tells Hartwig that if another offer comes up he is going to take it. “Again,” Hartwig says, “I’m sorry that you have to go.” He says goodbye. Mr. Webb washes up and notices mud on Sylvia’s shoes. He asks if she went somewhere today and Sylvia lies that she was home all day. He points out the mud and she says she just took a walk. “Don’t you lie to me,” he bellows as he grabs his pregnant daughter by the throat. “If I see you with anyone I’ll kill ‘em, you understand?” Sylvia nods, still in her father’s grip.

“I’m gonna ask you a question and you give me an honest answer,” asks Pa of Albert. Geez, there is a lot going on in this first act. Pa wants to know if Albert is seeing Sylvia. Albert says he has and Pa asks about the wisdom of that choice. Albert thinks he’s in the right and that everyone else can suck it, but he states that more in the way a kid his age would back in those days – politely. He tells Pa that he loves Sylvia, to which Pa responds “Do you think you’re old enough to know what love is?” Albert says yes, since he loves his Pa. Whoa. Not the same thing, kiddo. At least, it better not be. They say good night and go to bed. Separately.

Wave of the Future 5/5

When Charles returns home that evening, Caroline is already in bed. She is less than thrilled that Nels opened a competing restaurant and that Charles is in cahoots. Before Ma gets too bent out of shape, Pa presents her a copy of the contract that Harriet signed. Charles cites article twelve, paragraph two. Caroline reads it and her face lights up. “Do you think it will work?” she asks excitedly. “I told you,” Charles says, “trust me.” He takes a bite out of an apple and proceeds to eat it the way that Marmaduke would eat peanut butter. Thanks, Michael Landon.

Meanwhile, Nels enters his bedroom while Harriet files her nails. She warns Nels that he is attacking Mrs. Sullivan’s army. If she doesn’t get employee of the month I will be disappointed because she has totally bought into the company philosophy. Nels begins to reply, but Harriet tells him to shut up.

We now see Mrs. Oleson outside the restaurant shrieking about coupons for a two-for-one dinner special. I seriously doubt that the home office would allow her to offer a deal like that. She hands a coupon to a man in a Stetson, but she oversells when she tells him he can bring his wife or girlfriend. Maybe I’ll be getting my Brokeback Prairie action after all. Oh wait, Oleson’s Restaurant has a three-for-one deal. Harriet doesn’t seem to notice that until we do, but this episode seems to demonstrate that she doesn’t read the fine print, even if it is written in 12 inch letters.

A few hours later things have really slowed down at Mrs. Sullivan’s. Carrie is walking down the aisle bouncing a ball as the boys play checkers. The Raccoon is watching Ernie eat dinner, most likely trying to figure out how to get the scraps when he’s done. Hester-Sue and Mrs. Oleson are sitting at the table nearest the kitchen and Caroline joins them. Harriet starts shriek-weeping about how everyone likes Nels’ cooking. Caroline tries to console her by pointing out that Ernie is still there. Ernie gives a thumbs-up to the roast lamb. A frustrated Mrs. Oleson informs him that he is eating pan-fried steak. “Pan-fried huh? Oh. Well, don’t make much difference to me one way or another no more. I ain’t tasted nothin’ for five years, ever since that thrasher ran over my neck.” WHAT?!?! Where the hell did THAT come from? How does that even work? Why would a thrasher running over your neck affect your sense of taste? And how are you not dead? And why is no one in this scene horrified by this revelation?

Of course, Major Guffey decides that this is the best time to drop by. As Mrs. Oleson shriek-wails her travails, Guffey goes a little too deep with military metaphors about casualties and strategic maneuvers. This episode needs to end. Harriet hands over the receipts and he is less than impressed. He’s also not too keen on the fact that she did not expand the franchise as he instructed her to do. “I knew it was a mistake to let a woman command a post,” Guffey bellows. Mrs. Oleson is shocked that he would say such a thing, since the company is supposedly run by Mrs. Sullivan. There is no real Mrs. Sullivan, Guffey informs her, just a board of men that are calling the shots “as it should be”. Harriet acts as though Guffey shot and killed the Easter Bunny right in front of her. Guffey cites article twelve, paragraph two, which essentially allows the home office to cancel the franchise at any time. He tears up the contract and dishonorably discharges Mrs. Oleson.

Harriet runs across the street to find Nels. She shriek-cry-dry-heaves about what just happened, but somehow he already knew. That’s a shame. Harriet loses her franchise and her title of gossip queen all in two minutes because somehow word travels faster than she does. Nels calls the news wonderful, which enrages his wife. Harriet is about to concede when Nels reveals that tonight will be the last night of business for Oleson’s Restaurant. Charles came up with the plan to develop a successful competitor to Mrs. Sullivan so that the franchise would fail and that the restaurant can return to being Caroline’s. Awww. Way to earn your porcupie, Pa.

A few days later we see a carriage pulling up to Caroline’s as Harriet is sweeping the front steps. A man in a white suit exits the cab and walks towards her. The man asks, in a Kentucky drawl, if Harriet is in charge. The hell? A Colonel Sanders lookalike? Anachronisms aside, this is just really weird (though not as weird as another Sanders TV doppelganger). I suppose as fast food symbols go he is the only human-based one. Unless you wanted to incorporate the Hamburglar, but I really can’t imagine this as a two-part episode -- it’s barely a one-part episode. Anyway, he proposes a franchise that serves only fried chicken. Mrs. Oleson laughs at the idea, despite the Colonel calling his idea the wave of the future. Nels comes out of the restaurant as the man drives away. Harriet rehashes the idea and they share a laugh. I’m not sharing it with them.

Wave of the Future 4/5

Dinner time at the Ingalls again as the kids look expectantly at Pa making vittles in the kitchen. “Whatever it is it smells awful” mutters one of the daughters to the agreement of the rest of the brood. “Somebody saying something about the cooking?” Charles asks with gruff excitement. The kids hush up before getting busted. I think he’s serving the kids charred gristle. I must say I’m impressed the kids caught on to Charles’ plan almost instantly, unless the Raccoon squealed.

Later that night, Ma and Pa are talking about the restaurant and how Caroline tried unsuccessfully to give notice. Charles understands the situation, but you can see the gears turning in his mind. Not for how to get out of the situation, but for what he wants once the situation somehow corrects itself. “I want a turkey with bread and potato stuffing, sweet potatoes, hot rolls with butter, and a pie. No no! I want two pies! I want a mince pie and…”…a porcupie? I couldn’t quite catch that last one, but neither did Caroline as she fell asleep shortly before “sweet potatoes”.

Major Guffey is back at the restaurant counting the money all Name That Tune style with Mrs. Oleson. Even Harriet is exhausted at this point, but that doesn’t stop Guffey from moving the operation into Phase Three. Basically, Mrs. Oleson has to enlist two friends in other towns into Mrs. Sullivan’s cult, I’m sorry, army. On top of that, Mrs. Oleson would be their supervisor. She brings up the perfectly valid point that she can’t supervise three restaurants when she is struggling to maintain her own place. You would think the home office would be receptive to that sort of concern, particularly since they apparently do not allow her to hire any additional help as it is still only Caroline and Hester-Sue on the payroll. It should be noted that the restaurant is completely empty in this scene except for Caroline who is organizing silverware as she listens in on the conversation. Guffey’s response is to simply brandish the contract, though he doesn’t cite a specific section this time around. Of course, Mrs. Oleson probably still hasn’t read the thing so she is really not helping herself here.

Back at the homestead, Charles cautiously tastes a spoonful of what looks like Chef Boyardee ravioli and throws the spoon back into the pot. I’m probably right about the spoon’s contents because he rounds up the kids to take them to the restaurant. Grace just stares blankly at Charles. Honestly, why did they cast these two girls to play this character? Lack of acting skills aside (because, well, Mary Ingalls) the kids playing Grace aren’t even cute or adorable. Eh.

The restaurant is packed again and Mrs. Oleson is a little frazzled even before Charles drops off the army of children. Meanwhile, we see Nels finishing dinner preparation for his awful, awful children. There is a knock at the door just as Nels sits down. “Would one of you get that please?” he asks of Nancy and Willie. “I’m eating,” they both say. Wow, that would not fly in my house growing up and would have great difficulty working even today. Nels opens the door and it is Charles. Mr. Ingalls asks Nels if he’s tired of cooking all day and cleaning all night and basically playing Mr. Mom. “Well so am I,” says Charles, “and I think it’s time we did something about it.” “But what?” Mr. Oleson asks. Charles smiles, reaches to touch Nels and I’m starting to think we might be getting some Brokeback Prairie action up in here.

Instead, we cut back to the homestead at breakfast time. Charles wakes up Caroline who has overslept. Pa tells Ma that he has some work and they discuss who is taking the minivan and dropping off Albert at soccer practice. Or something along those lines. Charles keeps couching everything he is doing as some sort of “surprise”. “I can almost taste that turkey now,” he says as he heads out. “What?” Caroline asks.

That afternoon, the kids are doing shuttle runs in the restaurant dining room. Hester-Sue yells at them. Why they are running laps while wearing tap shoes I have no idea, but Caroline comes out of the kitchen to shoo the kids away. Mrs. Oleson pops out to icily ask why the kids are even there. The whole scene is weird throwaway dialogue. Anyway, Harriet is making the rounds with the coffee when an older couple enters the restaurant. Mrs. Oleson welcomes the couple who just returned from back east and wanted a slice of Caroline’s lemon meringue pie. Since Mrs. Sullivan only likes brown food, the only dessert option is chocolate cake. The couple decides to go across the street and get pie at the new restaurant there. New restaurant?

Mrs. Oleson goes to investigate and finds a sign that reads “Oleson’s Restaurant”. The downstairs of the Oleson house has been converted to a dining room with Charles wandering around playing the violin. First, how does zoning allow for that sort of use for space? Second, a violin? Really? Mrs. Oleson storms in and starts demanding answers, though I'm guessing her questions are different from mine. Nels is in the kitchen preparing a turkey plate that actually looks pretty appetizing. When Harriet asks what in blue blazes Nels is doing, he prattles on about free enterprise and competition. Speaking of, who’s minding the Mercantile? Mrs. Oleson is less than impressed and storms off.

Wave of the Future 2/5

The next day, the Oleson’s are meeting with Major Guffey to discuss the progress of the renovations. The dining room has a lot of bare, rectangular, Ikea tables set up in rows. According to Guffey, seating capacity has increased by 22%. Of course, with additional tables and chairs I would think the fire capacity would decrease, but that might not be relevant until act three. Mrs. Foster stops by to peek at the progress. Mrs. Oleson quickly shoos her away, actually pushing her out the door. That’s some quality customer service there, Harriet.

As Mrs. Foster is leaving, Almanzo is pulling up with the latest stool delivery. He and Mrs. Oleson call them chairs, though she is alarmed at the fact that there are no backs on any of the seats. Major Guffey’s theory, or “secret” as he calls it, is that if the customers don’t sit around all comfy like, there will be more customer turnover, thereby bringing in more money. Stop drooling, Harriet. You see, this is where I start to have a problem with the whole conceit of this episode. Walnut Grove is the Guam of this developing fast food nation at this point with a population that couldn’t possibly support this sort of franchise. Yes, people will leave the restaurant eventually, but not everyone in Walnut Grove is going to be dining out on the same night. Besides not being part of the lifestyle of the community, there are several families that couldn’t afford to eat there even if they wanted to. Unless Sleepy Eye became a booming metropolis while I wasn’t looking, the economics of the situation do not make much sense.

Anyway, Harriet acquiesces to the stools so Almanzo leaves to bring in the rest of the shipment. “Thank you Zaldo—um---Almanzo,” stutters Mrs. Oleson. Hehe. Another man enters the dining room with a box that he places on the table. The box contains all the franchise accessories, from plates to custom napkins. The color scheme is Emerald City green with Price is Right yellow lettering. Best of all, the Olesons are required to buy the accessories from the parent company. Nels balks at this, but Major Guffey brings out the contract quoting the article and paragraph number about this stipulation without having to read the document. Yeah, you’re in trouble if one party of a contract is able to do that sort of thing.

Mrs. Oleson tries to negotiate changing the green (not a bad idea), but is interrupted by the delivery of the new sign. The Olesons are not as ecstatic about the sign as Major Guffey is. Since Harriet didn’t actually read the contract, she wasn’t aware that the name of the restaurant was going to change from Caroline’s to Mrs. Sullivan’s. Guffey pulls Mrs. Oleson aside and tells a ridiculous story about a man lost in the wilderness who sees a beacon in the darkness. That beacon is a Mrs. Sullivan’s Restaurant, with all the garishness that is about to befall Walnut Grove. I’m not sure if the man lost in the wilderness is supposed to be Jesus, but whoever it is, let’s hope he’s color-blind. Guffey’s point is that someone should be able to know what to expect regardless of which Mrs. Sullivan’s Restaurant one finds himself. Harriet falls for it, but Nels knows pure hogwash when he sees it.

It is opening night and Harriet is putting the finishing touches on the aprons that Hester-Sue and Caroline are wearing. “My troops are ready,” Mrs. Oleson giggles as she heads to the door, ready to let in the large crowd that has gathered. She then does a countdown because…the contract told her to? I’m sharing Hester-Sue’s worried glance right now. Ernie leads the charge of the crowd, taking time to admire the fanciness of it all. He would just about die at the luxuriousness of Denny’s. Ernie asks to see a menu, but there are only three options: Beef Stew, Roast Chicken, and Pan-Fried Steak. Hester-Sue has to repeat the list louder (“HUH?”), which causes Harriet to come over, shush Hester-Sue and then explain in way too much detail why the menu has changed. Hester-Sue appears to be mumbling the Serenity Prayer to herself as Harriet finishes taking the order. “You see,” Harriet condescends, “it’s called the ‘Wave of the Future’,” to which Ernie replies “IT’S WHA?” That’s one point for Ernie.

Hester-Sue delivers the order to Caroline. Harriet asks Caroline how things are going and things seem pretty easy so far. Hester-Sue takes out Ernie’s order and gets the thumbs-up (“THUMBS WHA?”). Nels comes in to see how the grand opening is going. Harriet sees him and for whatever reason becomes frazzled at the number of people in the restaurant. She asks Nels to help out even though neither of them have had their own dinner yet. We then go into a montage of cuh-RAY-zee food service, ending with Nels and Hester-Sue crashing in the doorway.

Later on, a weary Caroline and Hester-Sue leave as the Olesons tally up the opening night receipts. It was their largest one-day haul and Harriet is beaming that everything the Major said has come true. Nels is less than thrilled, mainly because they worked harder in one shift then they ever had before and the goal was to lessen their collective workload. Harriet reluctantly agrees, but says that the Major said that the volume should taper off a bit. I would agree, since the grand re-opening of the only restaurant in town is probably going to cause a spike in visits. “Trust me,” Harriet says, playfully pinching Nels’ chin. He smiles.

Wave of the Future 1/5

Wave of the Future

1981 – Mrs. Oleson converts her restaurant to “fast food,” but her success causes problems.

The show starts as it always does with the wagon stopping on the hilltop and Laura and Carrie…running away from it? I have never been too sure exactly what is going on there. The music is in double time, so we must have a heavy plot on this one.

A photographer is setting up his equipment in front of a sign for Mrs. Sullivan’s Kitchen. He asks a man in a top hat, sniffing what looks like a sad cake or an even sadder meatloaf, where the old lady is. I’m not sure if he is referring to Mrs. Sullivan or the wife of the man in the top hat, but either way the photographer is not in the mood to dilly dally. We then see an elderly woman staggering up the curb next to the building where the sign is located. Both the music and the physicality of the woman indicate she is thoroughly sloshed. Oh good, comic relief two minutes in. Someone is going to get typhoid before this hour is done.

Mr. Sullivan (it’s his old lady, so we’ll just go with that name for now) starts art directing the shot. “You pushed me,” the lady slurs. Mr. Sullivan denies this but she demands an apology. He concedes, but she responds “it’s too late to be sorry.” Yes, yes it is. Mr. Sullivan hands her the plate with Mrs. Sullivan’s cake, which confuses the woman. At first I wondered if she couldn’t tell if it was cake or meatloaf, but it is simply a catalyst for more drunken banter. Scratch the typhoid – I’m going with gangrene. The art directing continues, but the woman isn’t smiling. She prefers Rum Baba (sans baba) over chocolate cake. When Mr. Sullivan promises to give her some Rum Baba, Mrs. Sullivan proceeds to give one of those creepy toothless smiles that help sell denture cream.

It’s nighttime in Walnut Grove and we’re outside Oleson Mercantile. Hester-Sue is scrambling through Caroline’s Restaurant. The dining area is packed, which surprises me a little bit given that Walnut Grove still seems kind of small at this point. After three or four orders are barked Hester-Sue’s way, she retreats to the kitchen and passes the fish orders to Caroline. Caroline has already cooked the last of the fish, which causes Hester-Sue to wish she was working anywhere else but the restaurant.

As Hester-Sue takes an order of roast beef out to the dining room, Mrs. Oleson enters the restaurant. She introduces her companion, Major Guffey. Hester-Sue politely nods but is unable to get away without Mrs. Oleson prattling on about how busy the restaurant appears to be. Hester-Sue tries to disengage again, but Mrs. Oleson grabs her arm and orders two fish dinners. She does not respond well to being told there is no more fish, but rather than shriek about it Mrs. Oleson joins Major Guffey at their table. The roast beef order finally makes its way to Ernie, Walnut Grove’s token hard-of-hearing-old-guy. Wow, four minutes in and we’ve had comedic drunkenness and a bunch of “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” dialogue. And Mrs. Oleson, who is yoo-hooing for Hester-Sue to take their order. With each pace, Hester-Sue receives a complaint/request from each table. She finally makes her way to the kitchen and unleashes a blood-curdling scream. From the sound of it I would guess the stage directions involve a dead body on the kitchen floor, but it’s just Hester-Sue releasing some stress.

Later that evening, Major Guffey is sharing some observations and suggestions about the restaurant with Nels and Harriet. “Just remember this,” he states “a restaurant is a battlefield.” Nels is a little dubious about this philosophy, but Major Guffey begins to share some of his experiences during the War Between the States. What it comes down to, in Major Guffey’s eyes, is efficiency. “The more efficient your mess hall, the less work you have to do and the more money you can make.” Of course, the word “money” causes Mrs. Oleson to drool more than Pavlov’s dogs so she is all ears to Guffey’s proposal to have the restaurant join the Mrs. Sullivan’s franchise. He even has a contract ready for the Olesons to sign. Nels has to be a spoil-sport by being sensible about diving into a business transaction billed as a “wave of the future”. Major Guffey isn’t as shifty as he could be and tells the Olesons to take some time to read things over as he will be back in town in a few days.

Outside the Oleson house we hear someone banging on a piano. Wait a minute, what’s the timeline here? Nellie should be older but that looks like a child at the piano. She has the same hair, maybe it’s a different actress? I had to look this up: it is the Olesons’ adopted daughter Nancy, who is essentially Nellie 2.0. That is…extremely creepy. Anyway, Harriet is browbeating Nels about wasting time thinking things over when they could be indentured servants to Mrs. Sullivan. Nels is actually reading the contract which annoys Mrs. Oleson further. Between the clanging on the piano and the clanging of Harriet’s vocal cords, Nels starts to lose his temper. “Nancy, must you bang on that piano?” Nancy looks at him, does that fake crying thing that all brats do (so charming!) and wails “You hate me!” What kind of default reaction is that?

Harriet tries to appease Nancy as Nels leaves the room. “Where are you going?” Harriet asks. “Insane. I am going insane,” he responds. As shrill as things have already gotten seven minutes in: 2 points Mr. Oleson. Before he leaves, Nels decides that since Harriet refers to it as her restaurant (though I do think the namesake of Caroline’s is supposed to be a partial partner) she can do with it what she wants. That can only lead to good things, I’m sure.