The Music Box 3/5

Laura, Anna and Mary are carrying their books as they walk past the Mercantile on their way to school. “Laura Ingalls!” Nellie races down the front steps as Laura stops in her tracks. Nellie sneers that she wants to talk to Laura then offers her a gumdrop. Willie observes the bi-polar action from the porch. Laura accepts the gumdrop while Nellie invites Laura to eat lunch with the club. Laura says she is still mulling over her membership. Anna volunteers that she will be in the club, but Nellie says Anna can’t be a member until she learns how to talk. Laura doesn’t take too kindly to this, so she returns the gumdrops and tells Nellie she won’t be joining. Laura and Anna walk away arm in arm. Nellie screams after them. “A chicken can squawk, a butterfly can flutter, but Anna can’t talk, all she can do is st-st-stutter.”

Nels is out on the porch at this point and yells at his daughter while Willie giggles. Nels tells her to get in the house and get the strap ready. Yikes. Nels looks at Willie who says he didn’t do anything. Nels pulls Willie into the shop anyway. The kids run to Harriet and hide behind her. She doesn’t know what is going on (as usual), but begs her husband to give the kids another chance. Nels brandishes the strap saying that Nellie doesn’t deserve another chance. Nellie apologizes and even vouches for her brother that he didn’t do anything. Nels tells Nellie that she will be grounded from school for the day and will go to Anna’s house that afternoon to apologize. Harriet is horrified, insisting that her daughter will be humiliated. Nels says that’s the point. He gives Nellie the choice between the strap and a half-assed apology. Nellie says she doesn’t know where Anna lives, but her father says to ask Laura. Nellie doesn’t like that idea, but Nels brandishes the strap again and tells Nellie to choose. To recap, the choices are A) Stay home from school for the day and then walk over to Anna’s house to “apologize”, or B) A whuppin’. Nellie chooses A. Nellie goes upstairs and Nels tells Willie to clean his room. Today is a school day, right?

That afternoon, Laura is in the barn trying to fix the music box. It isn’t going very well. Outside, Nellie approaches the homestead and Jack goes into Cujo mode. Good for him. The sound isn’t great, as they play barking sound effects when Jack’s mouth does not show any sort of barking or growling, just drooling. Nellie rushes into the barn to hide from the dog. Laura is caught off-guard (she didn’t hear the dog?) and Nellie realizes that it is her music box that Laura is tinkering with. Laura tries to lie that it is her own box but Nellie calls BS on that instantly. Laura insists that it’s hers, so Nellie suggests asking Laura’s parents. Laura, realizing that she’s caught, confesses. Nellie says she is going to tell, but Laura says she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie verifies this incredibly stupid statement, but Laura insists that she will do anything that Nellie says. Nellie tells Laura that she is going to be in the club and warns Laura that if she steps out of line, Nellie will tell and possibly try to have Laura put in jail. Laura promises to follow Nellie’s orders.

At this point Pa walks in. He asks what’s up and Laura says they were just listening to Nellie’s music box. “Oh it’s your music box now, Laura,” Nellie says. Pa is pleased with this news, especially since it appears that the two buried the hatchet -- and not in anyone’s skull. Nellie leaves but as she exits she asks Mr. Ingalls if Laura can go to her house after school tomorrow. Charles is okay with this. Nellie asks Laura how to get to Anna’s before she leaves. Once she is gone, Pa says he is really happy to see this new development. Laura catatonically agrees.

Nellie’s arrival at Anna’s house is inexplicably framed through the arms of a chair on her porch. Inside, we see that the props office used the “LHOTP – Generic” item list, which includes a shawl, butter churn, rocking chair, and a woodpile. Anna’s mom answers Nellie’s knocking by opening the door, but answers Nellie’s questions in Swedish. I wonder what obnoxious schoolyard rhyme Nellie has for that linguistic trait? Anna comes out of her room and asks Nellie what she wants. Nellie apologizes, but Anna doesn’t quite believe it. Anna’s mother asks, through Anna, if Nellie would like to stay for dinner, but Nellie politely refuses. Anna gets the door for Nellie and walks her outside. Nellie apologizes again, but the insincerity starts to drip when she tells Anna that she is talking much better. Anna doesn’t have an insincerity detector, so she is thrilled by this development.

That evening at the homestead, Laura puts down her dictionary and asks her Pa what it’s like to be in jail. Did Charles do hard time? That would be amazing. Aww, he says he has never been. Charles asks why Laura wants to know and she says it’s for homework. Did Miss Beadle ask the kids to write prison letters? Charles said he met a couple of guys who went to jail during the War, but he isn’t inclined to repeat their stories. Laura asks what sort of crimes lead to jail time – cheating, hurting somebody, and stealing are what Charles list. Laura speculates that stealing only applies to big things like horses, but Charles says you can hang for a crime like that. “No, they put you in jail for stealing just about anything,” Pa continues. This does not ease Laura’s nerves.

The Nerd March plays as we enter another one of Laura’s dreams. A fire burns in the center of a medieval prison. One prisoner is stretched on a rack while several others sleep on the stone floor. Someone is laughing as Harriet enters wearing a hood and carrying a giant bucket. Laura is looking even more bedraggled than in her previous dream. Harriet reaches into the bucket and pulls out a wad of breadcrumbs that she chucks to the ground. All of the prisoners scramble to the food except for a Leif Garrett impersonator chained to the wall. As Harriet feeds the birds, Nellie walks in wearing a hood and eating from a chicken bone. She laughs as Laura notices the meat. Laura crawls towards the Oleson jailors who continue to laugh at the girl. Once Laura reaches Nellie and begs for food, Nellie bludgeons the girl with the chicken. Nellie leaves and slams the door.

Laura starts to bang on the door and we fade out of the dream. Back in reality, Laura is banging on the wall screaming, “I’m hungry.” Mary wakes up her sister and tells her to knock it off. Charles yells up to the loft to find out what’s going on. Laura and Mary say nothing, but Charles yells up again demanding an answer. Mary says flatly, “Laura rolled over and fell out of bed.” Mary Ingalls sucks at plausibility. Charles asks if she is all right and Laura responds just as flatly that she is okay. Pa tells them to go to sleep.

The next morning outside school, Nellie explains to the club that she will decide who is "it" and, as president, she will never be "it". That’s not much of a game, whatever it is you’re playing, honey. Nellie calls over to Laura and Mary, who have just arrived, that they are going to play Hide N Seek. Mary declines, which Nellie is okay with. Nellie then commands Laura to join her. Nellie has decided that Laura will be “it”. Mary and Anna are shocked by this. Laura apologizes to Anna and promises to play with her after school and dejectedly walks towards Nellie and the girls. Anna is deeply disappointed by the development.

Fred 3/5

Oy, it’s Mr. Edwards. I hate this episode. Drunk music plays as he walks over to a sheet hanging over a tree limb. He moves away some branches – I think he was trying to hide the sheet? Even Mary in her later years would have been able to see it, Edwards. He lifts the sheet and reveals the Edwards Distillery. He takes a sip of his concoction when someone yells “Pa” offscreen.

Edwards yells at his son Carl for sneaking up on him, but the kid claims he wasn’t sneaking. Carl starts to check the tent but Edwards grabs the kid and asks why he isn’t in school. Carl says he was hoping that his Pa was going fishing. Edwards sends the kid along after he explains that what is happening in the tent is a secret. Carl asks for some details and Edwards says he’s “inventin’.” Really? Is that the best you could come up with? Carl says it smells bad and Edwards continues his lie by saying it’s a new brand of turpentine. Actually, knowing how some stills work and how much faith I have in Mr. Edwards, that might not technically be a lie. Time will tell, I suppose. Anyway, Edwards reiterates that the tent is a secret between him and Carl before sending the boy on his way. Once Carl is gone, Edwards samples some more turpentine.

Over at the school we see Willie exit the outhouse. As he runs back towards the building Laura squeals for him to come over to the tree she is hiding behind. Laura brought Fred and shows him to the boy. She says it’s a very special goat, but Willie says it couldn’t be special if she owns it. He asks what a goat is good for, leading Laura into a sales pitch very similar to the one Parsons used on her. Laura opens with barn protection, but Willie points out that the Olesons don’t have a barn. Laura thinks for a moment, then mentions goats make the best cheese there is (true dat!). Willie ponders this a moment and Laura pushes harder saying that goat cheese is so yummy you won’t eat anything else. Ewww, could you imagine a goat cheese only diet? My stomach has a sad just thinking about that. Laura leads Fred away, but Willie chases her down to get some more info. Whatever you do, Half-pint, don’t shake hands at the end of the deal – Willie didn’t wash.

Outside the Olesons’ house, Harriet hangs laundry on the clothesline while Willie prattles on about how he pulled one over on Laura. As he ties his “gen-u-wine” goat to one of the clothesline posts, Harriet continues scrubbing and “uh huh”-ing while her back is turned. In her half-listening she does manage to remind her son not to swindle Laura too often since the Olesons are the business people and shouldn’t take too much advantage of others. Willie says he’s going to start a cheese empire then runs off to school. Fred bleats, snapping Harriet into attention. She turns around and sees the animal. She calls for Willie to come back, but he’s gone.

Back at the school, Laura tells Carl about the transaction as they play on the whirly see-saw. Carl tells Laura he would never sell his goat if he had one, but Laura recaps that Fred and Pa didn’t get along. Hey, who’s telling the story here, Ingalls? A kid runs by and grabs Carl’s hat. Laura and Carl chase after him.

Fred watches Harriet continue to do laundry. He looks about as interested in that activity as I do. Fred starts to nibble on a dress hanging on the line causing Harriet to have a conniption. She manages to free the clothing from the animal’s mouth then runs over to the post to untie him so he can leave her sight. Fred takes a couple of steps, stops and turns back. Harriet continues to mutter as she bends over to pick up something off the ground. Fetish Fred looks over and charges over towards Harriet’s checkered rump. Harriet lands in a mud pit. Hmm, this episode is starting to show some promise.

Inside the school we see Mary handing her essay to Miss Beadle. Before the sucking up switches from “Low” to “High”, we hear Harriet screeching for Laura Ingalls. All the kids stand all Children of the Corn like as Harriet, who looks much muddier than when we last saw her, stomps toward the school. Willie and Nellie run over to join their mother. Harriet confronts Laura about the goat, accusing her of swindling her son. Laura says “did not!” Willie’s rebuttal: “Did so! How’d she do it, Ma?” Harriet glares at her son before saying “A billy goat? To make cheese?” Harriet bops her son on the head and then he finally gets it. In fairness, that didn’t really register with me right away, so I think the chuckling that Mary tries to hold back is well deserved. Laura returns the items Willie traded claiming that she didn’t cheat Willie. That’s debatable. Laura asks where Fred ran off to, but Harriet tells her that it’s not her problem. Miss Beadle tells the kids to go back inside for class.

Laura, Carl and Fred walk home. Carl says tomorrow is Saturday, so that should give them time to come up with a plan. However, Laura still needs a place for Fred to stay the night. Carl says he knows a place, but Laura has to promise to keep it a secret. When has that ever worked on this show? Laura goes through the whole cross heart/word of honor/”hope the rats will eat you up”(huh?) ritual before Carl agrees to share his hiding place. They end up at the still which Carl says is okay because this is an emergency. That’s a pretty loose definition. Laura pokes around and asks what the bubbling liquid is. Carl says it is turpentine of some sort, though Laura is surprised that raisins and sugar are some of the ingredients. As soon as Carl and Laura head out Fred helps himself to the cauldron. More drunk music.

The Camp-Out 5/5

Charles and Nels are still searching for their daughters. After a few barks from Jack, we rejoin the girls on their White Water Adventure. Nellie manages to put aside her sense of survival to whine and pout some more. She’s like a more annoying version of Willie from Temple of Doom.

Charles calls out for Laura while Nels skips a stone on the river. Jack starts to freak out and bark at the bushes where Nellie fell in. I think there’s a dog that could benefit from some Lassie training. Charles spots Laura’s leaf bag and both men start to get a bit more concerned. Charles speculates that the girls are probably farther downstream, but that causes Nels to suppose that they might have fallen into the river. Charles tells Nels not to “chase shadows”, which I think is a little unfair.

The girls enter another set of rapids and manage to avoid slamming into rocks again. I call no waysies. We then see a series of waterfalls that the girls are sort of approaching. Of course, they end up taking a fork in the river, so they were never in any (additional) danger. Laura manages to steer the bush towards a tree branch that just happens to be in a shallow part of the river. She forces Nellie to accept the branch as a means of escape from the river, but not after a bout of extreme whining. Shut up, Nellie. Lemmings have a stronger sense of self-preservation than this girl.

As the girls reach the shore, the bush floats over towards the waterfalls and gets swallowed up by the white water. Let’s just pretend they were in danger, shall we? Ooooo! Ahhhh! Ahem. After a short breather, Nellie starts blaming Laura for bumping her into the water, attempting to drown her, and then causing her to cry because she can’t swim. It is at this point that I first notice that Nellie has a rather nasty snaggletooth. Laura tells Nellie to stop bawling, but to no avail. Nellie complains about freezing, but Laura suggests that walking back will probably warm her up. Actually, I don’t think that’s the recommended treatment for hypothermia.

Caroline surveys the river as Harriet walks over. They acknowledge that several hours have passed. Harriet takes responsibility for the whole situation, saying that it was her idea to have Nels finagle an invitation for the Olesons. Caroline says she kinda figured that out already, much to Harriet’s surprise. Harriet still thinks that if she were a better person, this situation would never have presented itself. Caroline’s response: “It takes two to argue.” Love ya, Caroline! Harriet promises to Caroline that if/when the girls come back, she will strive to be a better person. So if the girls don’t come back, you’ll strive to be more like this?

Mary is on calamine duty with Willie. After she applies some goop to his elbow, Willie tells Mary that she doesn’t seem as mean as Nellie says she is. He even goes so far as to call Mary nice. As Mary starts to confess about the poison ivy debacle, Charles bellows that he has found the girls. Everyone runs over to hug the girls. Laura says they rode the rapids, followed by Nellie blaming the Ingalls girl for pushing her off the riverbank. Laura is outraged, but then Nellie accuses her of pushing her head underwater. Mrs. Oleson returns to her regular Orange Threat Level self and chastises Laura. She then tells Willie to share all his leaves with Nellie since she lost all of hers in the river. Even the special leaves. Mary and Laura smile at this.

Back in Walnut Grove, Miss Beadle is ready to announce whose collections won out. She says they came from two students. Mary and Laura perk up, but it is Willie and Nellie who won. Miss Beadle leads the class in a round of tepid applause. The kids turn around and…hey! They stole my Halloween costume! Miss Beadle starts itching her neck. Laura and Mary look at each other but don’t say anything. Are they the only two people in Walnut Grove who can recognize poison ivy? Wah wah.

The Camp-Out 1/5

Walnut Grove hasn’t changed much since our last visit: Kids still running down the hillside, the wagon still rolling into “The Town”, same old, same old. This episode begins in the school where Miss Beadle is hanging some pictures above the chalkboard. The chalkboard reads “HAppy HoliDAy”. I’m guessing Miss Beadle was an early adopter of MySpace. As the camera zooms in we see the pictures are of different types of leaves.

Miss Beadle acknowledges that the kids are probably excited about the yet-unnamed holiday that is approaching and she has decided that she will not assign any homework. The kids cheer, but Miss Beadle reminds them that their leaf collections are still due the first day back. Willie’s jaw drops just enough so you can fit a beach ball in his mouth. He says he already has his leaf collection. Since when did he become an overachiever? Miss Beadle says that’s fine, but the project still won’t be due until the kids get back.

Laura raises her hand and tells Miss Beadle and the class that the Ingalls family will be going on a camping trip. “We can get all kinds of leaves up in the hills,” she brags. Mary is beaming. Is there a question in there somewhere, Laura, or are you just showing off? Nellie thinks it’s the latter and announces that she thinks it’s unfair that they have access to exotic leaves while everyone else scrambles for the cheap-ass ones in Walnut Grove. Miss Beadle says it really isn’t a big deal. Mary asks, with severity in her voice, if they are going to be graded. Homegirl has her game face on. Miss Beadle says they will and that the best collection will go on display. She dismisses the class. As Laura leaves, she sees that Nellie has her game face on as well.

We join Harriet mid-chew as she kvetches about the Ingalls and their camping trip. “Giving their children an unfair advantage,” she forces through her full mouth. Lovely. Nellie adds to the whining before Nels is all like “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.” Harriet tells her husband to find out where the Ingalls will be camping and then follow along with kids in tow. Nels finds this incredibly tacky, but Harriet plays the “It’s a free country” card, or whatever the equivalent was back then. Why do they have to go to the same spot as the Ingalls family? Couldn’t they just go on their own camping trip and get their stupid leaves that way? Before the logic police start to gather, Harriet and Nellie do a tag team guilt trip about how Nels is allegedly a bad father. Nels counters with his concern about having to close up shop and losing business. Ooo, now it’s a tennis match! Harriet says she can take care of the store. Nels realizes that if Harriet sticks around Walnut Grove, then he gets a vacation from her. He decides to ride out to the Ingalls farm to find out where they are going.

Charles is either working on a chair or his pecs with some hand crank tool in the barn. Nels rides up and chit chats about fishing. He shows Charles his rod (not a euphemism) and Charles says he would love to try it out (still not a euphemism). Charles invites Nels and the kids to tag along, just as long as they don’t mind roughing it. Nels accepts the invitation.

The next day we see Carrie accepting a piece of candy from Nels in the Mercantile. As Caroline and Nels work out the bill, Harriet enters the room. Nels comes up with a total, but determines that the Olesons will use many of those provisions so he gives Caroline a huge discount. Harriet didn’t realize that Caroline was going on the trip also and she starts to reminisce about camping trips she went on when she was a child. Oh, her poor parents, I can just imagine. Caroline nods politely until Harriet says, “I wish I was going along.” Caroline’s eyes widen with panic and Nels rushes to change the subject. It doesn’t quite work, even when Nels reminds his wife about the store. Harriet muses some more as Caroline and Carrie leave.

That night, Nels puts out the lamp in the bedroom and tells his wife that he’ll try to be quiet when they leave tomorrow morning. She tells him not to worry because she is going to make them breakfast. And every meal on the trip. She rises out of bed and I cannot for the life of me figure out what is on her head. It looks like Coolio threw a tickertape parade on her scalp. I’m guessing she’s trying to curl her hair but it looks bizarre. Nels is shocked, not by the hair but by Harriet’s declaration that she will be camping with them. Nels tries every tactic he can think of to convince Harriet to stay but she won’t have any of it. Wah wah.

The next morning, Charles and the family are finishing packing up their stuff. The Olesons ride up and they chit chat about the beautiful weather. Charles offers to help unload the Oleson wagon and Harriet tells him she’ll take care of the package with the tea service. Why would you bring that? Caroline and Charles immediately know that the only person who would pack such a thing would be Harriet, so she must be coming along. Nels confirms this, so Charles and Caroline decide to have a confab in the barn. Charles says he will not go on the trip with Harriet Oleson. Caroline doesn’t like the situation either, but she does mention that Harriet is trying so hard to be nice so they should give her a chance. Charles mutters all Milton-like after Caroline leaves the barn to break the news that they won’t be going on the trip to her children.

The Election 5/5

Election day! Mary is giving a speech about how honored she is by the nomination. She references the conversation she had with Pa regarding campaign promises and refuses to make any. “If you do vote for me, I’ll appreciate it,” she says meekly. Mary Ingalls sucks at stump speeches. Hmm, the class disagrees with me on that one since they give her a healthy round of applause. Nellie is up next. See Mary, Nellie actually stepped onto the dais that Miss Beadle’s desk is on to make her speech. Oh, but she blows her goodwill by referring to her classmates as “fellow Americans.” Miss Beadle actually has to look down to stifle a chuckle. As Nellie confidently blah blah blahs, Laura whispers to her sister that Nellie is really giving a list of reasons to punch her in the nose. Hehe.

Meanwhile Elmer, still muddy from the bay of pigs invasion, is walking up to the school. He stops when he reaches the steps and considers whether or not to enter. He decides to walk in just as Nellie is finishing her speech. “And finally,” she says “you should vote for me because my mother will give a party if I win.” I’ve always been dubious about student government and this is pretty much why. When Nellie steps down, the only person to applaud at first is the girl who seconded Nellie’s nomination. A few other people catch on and politely clap, but it is not as rousing as Mary’s support.

Elmer finally enters the classroom and Miss Beadle is shocked by his appearance. The kids laugh at him. Shut up, children. The teacher asks what happened, but instead of telling the truth Elmer opts for the “Luka” defense and says he slipped and fell. Miss Beadle asks if the other boys were responsible but Elmer is all mum. She tells Elmer to go home and get cleaned up before making his speech, offering to postpone the vote until the afternoon. Elmer thanks her then says he isn’t going to run for president after all. He goes on to say that he is now in on the joke and he’d rather not waste the time. The kids laugh and Miss Beadle tells them to stop. Elmer says it’s fine since he knows that they don’t think much of him anyway. “I don’t even know what a class president is supposed to do,” he says. I bet if you ask your fellow candidates they wouldn’t know either, Elmer.

Elmer goes on to say that he does know what’s right and wrong and that he doesn’t think the older kids should be picking on others. It looks like Joel is taking the words to heart but Kenny still has a stupid look on his stupid face. “And it ain’t right to give someone something to make ‘em vote for you,” he says directly to Nellie. She promptly makes her bitch face (no, the other one). He adds “no pushing people into mud” to the list and that finally makes Kenny reflective. “My mother made me this shirt because she loves me,” Elmer says. “You probably all think that’s dumb. But that’s what’s wrong around here: people don’t pay no mind to other people’s carings.” Ooo, establish that narrative. My government professor from undergrad would be pleased. Laura is starting to get choked up and Mary is already glassy-eyed. Oh, there’s the tear.

Miss Beadle, who is also choked up, thanks Elmer. Mary raises her hand but Miss Beadle says the time for speeches has passed. Mary says she doesn’t want to make a speech: she wants to withdraw. Mary then throws her support behind Elmer. “I know you’re not supposed to run,” Mary says, “but you have to cause you’re the only one that really knows what a president should do.” First off, “not supposed to run”? Based on what criteria? Second, unless a president is supposed to shame people for their bad behavior, I fail to see what Elmer has done to demonstrate a total grasp of the job specifications of the nebulous “class president” position. Anyway, Elmer thinks about it for a moment and decides to stay in the race. Time to vote.

Laura gets her Jeff Probst groove on and tallies the results. The last two votes are for Elmer, making the final tally twelve for Nellie and twelve for Elmer. Ooo, now we get to see a fire-making challenge. Miss Beadle declares a tie, but Mary says there should be twenty-five votes. Nellie points out that Willie went to the outhouse. He couldn’t have voted before leaving the room? Or they couldn’t wait until he came back? Willie comes back in and everyone stares at him. Miss Beadle asks for his vote. Nothing like a secret ballot. Laura tallies the last vote: and it’s for Elmer. Nellie asks how her brother could betray her like that and he says “you’re always picking on me and Elmer won’t let you.” Nellie screams and runs out of the classroom. I just don’t get Minnesota politics. The class cheers for Elmer.

After school, the Ingalls girls rush out of the building and make a bee line for the mill. They cannot wait to tell Pa the news about Elmer’s victory. Mr. Dobkins is at the mill and overhears the story. Laura is beaming that Elmer beat Nellie despite the candy-based disadvantage. Elmer is now walking towards the mill and sees his Pa. Mr. Dobkins excuses himself to meet up with his son. They stare at each other for a moment before Pa Dobkins takes off his hat and says “Congratulations, Mr. President.” They both smile and hug. Aww. Congrats Elmer! This is your first step on your way to becoming Super Nintendo Dobkins!

The Election 4/5

That evening, Mrs. Dobkins is getting ready to iron some clothes as her husband enters the house. He compliments the shirt his wife is holding and she says it’s the shirt she tailored for Elmer. Pa asks where his son is and is not surprised that the kid is in the barn taking care of the animals. The stray animal count is up to six – I’m not sure if that includes baby squirrels or not. Pa heads back outside.

Elmer is practicing his speech for a chicken and a rabbit and his stuttered opening has already lost his audience. He starts again but he seems to be battling a case of writer’s block. I give him credit for having the sense to practice ahead of time. Meanwhile, Pa walks into the barn and asks to have a talk with his son. Before Elmer agrees, Pa goes ahead and asks what the boys were doing to Elmer in the schoolyard earlier. Elmer turns around and doormats that the boys were “just making jokes.” Pa isn’t buying it for a second and tells Elmer that those boys are not his friends. Aw, Elmer actually looks wounded when he hears this. Poor kid. He doormats some more and his Pa is getting tired of it. He asks who, if anyone, fed Elmer worms, assuring his son that he won’t get into trouble unless he lies. Elmer contemplates the rabbit hutch for a moment before admitting that Joel was the feeder. This confirms Pa’s theory which lays the groundwork for the truth of the whole election situation: that Elmer was nominated for exploitation purposes only. Ugh, Pa goes back to the chicken flock metaphor again. We get the point show, move along please.

Before he leaves the barn, Pa declares that he will talk to Kenny and Joel’s parents in the morning. Elmer begs him not to saying that it will just make things worse. I never get tired of that plot construct because there is so much truth behind it. TV shows fifty years from now will probably still be able to use that type of conflict and it will likely be just as effective. Pa doesn’t watch TV or has little imagination because he doesn’t understand how things could get worse for his son. Elmer doesn’t offer any specific examples but knows that Koel will find a way to make life that much more hellish. Pa finally agrees, but instructs his son that he is to withdraw from the election. Elmer accepts this and turns around to share a sad with the rabbit. Pa walks up to his son and gives him a hug.

The next morning we see Ma Dobkins fixing the collar on Elmer’s new shirt. She is really happy with how her son looks, but the males in the room seem a bit resigned. Elmer didn’t even know he was going to get a new shirt. Ma says it was so he would look extra nice on election day. Oh, I guess Pa didn’t tell her what happened in the barn. Pa still doesn’t reveal that little tidbit, reminding Elmer to remember what they discussed without specifically saying what was said. Elmer takes his things and heads off to school. Once the door closes, Ma asks her husband what that little reminder was referring to. Pa keeps it vague, but Ma looks as if she is figuring things out.

We rejoin Elmer on his way to school. He is walking along until he hears Kenny and Joel complaining about an upcoming test. That kid has great hearing since the sound is clear as bell despite the fact that the other boys are a couple hundred yards away. Kenny, the proverbial red-headed step-child, grabs a rock and throws it at a tree. Instantly he says that if a bird was on the branch it would have been killed. Uh oh, bird metaphor. Run Elmer! No! Don’t sit down under a tree! The boys spot Elmer and walk over to torment him. The boys pretend to be nice by complimenting the new fancy duds, but Elmer says that he isn’t running in the election. The boys tell Elmer that if he doesn’t run, then they don’t have a candidate. Well, that’s what happens when your platform is “Anyone but the XX chromosomes”. Kenny is all “you don’t want a girl for president, do ya?” Honey, when has any class president done anything of any import in the entire history of education? Joel tells Elmer that it is okay if Elmer doesn’t want to run and that they will still be his friends. Elmer is confused by this turnabout. They get up to walk to school together.

Joel asks if Elmer has seen the new piglets at the Stinson place. Kenny adds that one of them has a bad leg. They decide to go check on them on the way to school. Hmm, my spidey sense is tingling, and it isn’t weaving TEERRRRIIFFIICCCC. Elmer looks at the drove of piglets but doesn’t notice anything wrong at first. He straddles the fence to get a better look but still sees nothing. Joel suggests that Elmer get even closer. Once Elmer swings his other leg around the fence, the boys push him into the mud. They laugh and run off. Hey, campaign managers? Mudslinging – ur doin it wrong.

The Election 3/5

What’s this? Nels is handling this week’s egg transaction? Oh, it’s Mary who brought the eggs instead of Caroline so Harriet’s cattiness is unnecessary. Anyway, Nels counts the eggs and starts some chit chat about Nellie’s upcoming party. He lists every fabulous aspect of the event but Mary just looks at her shoes. Nels supposes that every girl in the school is invited until Laura, who is browsing in the hip wader section, clarifies that the Ingalls girls did not receive an invite. Mary tries to be diplomatic by suggesting that maybe Nellie forgot, but Nels isn’t buying it and invites the girls. I don’t think they elect Secretaries of State in class elections, Mary. Laura is all “thanks, but no thanks,” and fibs that she and Mary have chores to do at the time of the party. Again, Nels isn’t buying it but he doesn’t press the point. The girls leave as Nels shakes his head in disappointment.

As the girls walk through town they pass by Elmer who is sitting on a bench near a tree. He greets them and they join their fellow candidate. Elmer observes that a number of girls are hanging out with Nellie in the Oleson’s yard. “Boss Nellie Tweed is at it again,” Laura says. Elmer doesn’t get the reference so Mary explains that Laura’s joke was a callback to Boss Tweed, a New York politician. Elmer is all like “oh,” which is fine: even if you get the reference Laura’s joke wasn’t funny. Laura goes on to accuse Nellie of stealing votes. Mary excuses the tactic by saying that Nellie is just having a party. That’s fair, considering the Ingalls girls are planning on doing the exact same thing. Elmer asks why Laura and Mary aren’t at the party. Laura begins to sulk as she explains why. Elmer says he hopes Mary wins but she replies that Elmer has a good chance to win also. The boy disagrees since he already suspects that this might be another Koel prank in the making. Laura reminds Elmer that he can vote for himself, but he believes that one vote doesn’t mean much. Tell that to Paul Metzler. The conversation reaches another awkward lull, so Laura uses the opportunity to say that she and Mary need to go home.

Back at the Dobkins’ house, Ma is mending a shirt while Pa is looking through some papers. Ma mentions that a squirrel that Elmer is caring for is about to give birth while Pa is complaining about the price of seed. The conversation starts to focus on how Elmer is better with animals than with people, which Ma thinks is a good thing but Pa is not so sure. Somehow this circles back to their concerns about the election. Ma is still supportive of the idea and is going to fix up a shirt for her son for election day. Pa suggests using one of his old shirts and trimming it down for Elmer’s size. Oh good, it sounds like Pa is coming around to the idea. Yay!

Breakfast time at the Homestead. Pa asks Laura who is coming to the election party. Laura says everyone except Nellie and Willie is invited. Pa, surprisingly, is in favor of the turnabout/fair play ratio. He goes on to say that he suspects that these election tactics are setting the stage for an Elmer win. Pa explains the math and Mary is less than ecstatic about this revelation. Laura asks what they can do to rectify this situation but Pa is all like “uh, you’re stuck, monkey butt.” I’m paraphrasing.

Later on, Laura and Mary are leaving the storage house with ears of corn as they see Elmer approaching the house. They run down to meet him. There’s some awkward chit chat before Elmer asks if the girls are expecting a lot of guests. He goes on to explain that there was a group of girls ahead of him on the road but they got intercepted by Nellie and Willie who had free candy available. Laura accuses Nellie of buying votes again. Uh, Half-pint, what exactly was your plan with all those ears of corn again? Elmer assures the girls that not everyone is going to vote for Nellie but Laura doesn’t seem convinced. They are still going to have their party regardless of the turn out.

We join Mary and Laura in the barn with Pa. He is polishing a saddle as Mary works on her campaign speech. They toss around some campaign promise ideas. Laura asks if it is even possible to keep all the promises one makes and Pa tells her it isn’t very likely. Mary asks if that is kind of like lying but Pa corrects her by saying it is lying. Hmmm, yes and no. Most campaign promises are actually framed as goals (except for the ones stupidly beginning with the phrase “I promise to…”). If you set a goal and fail to meet it, that is not a lie. Either way, Mary is quickly becoming a fifth party candidate in a three way race. Laura asks if candidates call each other names because she has a few good ones for Nellie. Pa gives Laura a warning not to head down that path. Pa sends the girls to bed. On the way out, Mary says she is going to list the things she thinks would make the school better and make a speech. Yeah, long lists always make great speeches.

The next day at recess the girls are jumping rope while Kenny and Joel kick around some kids on the teeter-totter. Joel then spots Elmer off by himself by the schoolhouse steps. The boys get stupid smiles on their stupid faces and head over to torment the boy. Joel asks Elmer how he is going to win the election. Joel tells Elmer to get on the see-saw stump (say that three times fast) and make a speech. Elmer isn’t interested, but his self-appointed campaign managers grab him and force him onto the stage. As the candidate is dragged to the center of the crowd, Pa Dobkins happens to be driving by and watches what is happening to his son. Joel and Kenny keep jostling the boy as they make a bunch of promises of the “eat one worm for every vote” variety. But what about tort reform? Social security? What is his stance on human/animal hybrids? These are the questions that need answers! Before those questions can even be asked, Miss Beadle exits the school and tells the boys to stop. She asks what they are doing and Joel says they’re campaigning. Miss Beadle tells them to stop and ends recess. Way to go, jerks. As the kids file inside, Pa Dobkins hangs his head and drives away.

The Election 2/5

As the kids are leaving school, Nellie is admonishing the girl who seconded her nomination for not doing it fast enough. The girl is all like “whatever, just keep the candy coming.” Following them are Mary and Jim, the former thanking the latter. “It’s nice, you being a boy and all,” Mary says. I have to wonder if Laura would have nominated Mary, unless nominating goes against Leviticus or something. Regardless, Jim says he just wanted to be fair and I’m not really sure what that is supposed to mean in this situation. Mary thanks him again despite this little logic lapse and heads home. Jim sticks around to reconvene with the prankster set. Oh, it turns out that their plan is to not only split the girl vote by having two female nominees but use Elmer to prove that he can beat the smartest kids in the class. Does it count as schadenfreude if you plan for it? That doesn’t seem right.

That evening at the homestead, Laura and Mary are busy working at the table. Laura puts down her crayon and shows Mary the campaign poster she designed: “Vote for Mary (underlined in red) The best cantitate [sic].” Mary says “no”, obviously, but Laura says the kids won’t care. It’s sad that almost 140 years later that would still probably hold true.

As Mary evaluates the poster some more, Pa enters the house. “Pa, you’ll never guess,” Laura says. Pa takes a couple stabs at Laura’s news: “You got 100 on an arithmetic test. You got a zero on an arithmetic test. Your sister Mary got nominated for class president.” Laura accuses her father of peeking, but he says he heard about it from Nels. Pa congratulates Mary and calls her Madame President. Mary says he should be congratulating Nellie, but Laura calls herself Campaign Manager and says that her sister is going to win. Carrie (you remember her – the one who falls down the hill all the time?) says that she’ll vote for Mary. Pa believes that more than the Ingalls girls will vote for Mary, but the candidate doesn’t think so since Nellie is going to have a campaign party. “Nellie invited all the girls to her house except us for ice cream and cake tomorrow,” Laura says. I guess Mary is running as a candidate for the Pity Party. Pa goes against the party’s mission statement by suggesting the girls host their own event the following weekend.

Meanwhile, Elmer is at his place tending to the chickens in the coop. As he takes particular care of one chicken, Elmer’s father enters the barn. He greets his son who reports that the chicken’s neck is looking a lot better. Oh, I get it. The wounded birds are a metaphor. That’s one of the tricks of the trade I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks: anything that seems heavy handed or cannot be easily explained can just be described as “artistic vision” or a “metaphor”. Try it in your day to day life: it is amazingly liberating. Anyway, Elmer asks if the other chickens will attack this bird again if he reintroduces it to the flock. Pa says that they might and it’s just in their nature. I’m just waiting for a spider to weave “Some Pig” over Elmer’s head. Pa tells Elmer it is time to wash up for supper. Elmer says he just needs to feed his rabbit and then he’ll be done. Please let the rabbit be named George, please. Lenny would be even more awesome.

Elmer changes the subject before we learn more about the rabbit. He tells his Pa about the nomination. Rather than congratulating his son, Pa asks who nominated Elmer. “Joel and Kenny,” Elmer replies. They also appointed themselves as Elmer’s campaign managers. Pa doesn’t like where this is going and checks to make sure that Elmer is talking about the kids that pick on him and not some other Joel/Kenny combo (Koel? Jenny?). Elmer is being all Pollyanna about the whole situation which doesn’t seem to sit well with Pa. He doesn’t say anything at the moment and decides to remind Elmer that supper is almost ready.

Pa goes back into the house where Mrs. Elmer’s Mom is setting the table. The parents chit chat about what Elmer is up to in the barn. Ma likes that he takes such good care of the animals, but Pa is concerned that if they aren’t careful there will be sick stray animals all up in their business. At least the kid has aptitude in some area. Pa walks over to Ma and tells her that the “dag burn Turner boys” were the ones who nominated Elmer. Ma reminds her husband to remind Elmer that he should not count on winning. Wait, why are these parents being realistic? Don’t they watch this show? I don’t have a Good Mommy/Good Daddy tag.

Ma walks over to the kitchen to do final dinner preparations as Pa draws out the wounded bird metaphor. This is also where they confirm that Elmer is a little slower than the rest of the kids, just in case that wasn’t already clear. They also reflect on whether it was a good idea to keep Elmer out of school for a couple of years after a bad experience in Springfield. Pa wonders if maybe they should have kept him out of school in Walnut Grove. “He wants to go, Sam,” Ma says. Sam contemplates this as he stares at a fire in the hearth. Ma gives her husband a hug. Aww, don’t be sad Dobkins family.

The Election 1/5

A wide shot of a hillside opens this episode as we watch a boy traipsing along the crest. He slows down as he approaches a tree and begins to crouch towards the ground. He’s found a baby bird struggling in the grass. Fortunately the bird has developed a little bit so it isn’t those ugly slimy creatures that you sometimes see splattered on pavement. The boy looks up and sees the nest that the bird must have called home a few minutes earlier. The boy climbs the tree and places the bird in the nest and tells a nearby bird that he didn’t hurt the chick before he continues on his trek. We don’t see if the mama bird nudges the chick out of the nest again.

The kids are playing outside before school begins and there are a couple of older boys, one with dark hair and one with red hair, running around interfering with everyone’s activities. The boys end up wrestling over by the school house until they notice the Birdman of Walnut Grove approaching. “Did you bring ‘em?” the dark haired boy asks the redhead. The kid says yes but he isn’t in the mood to get into trouble. “Aw, you fret too much,” dark hair says. When was the last time you heard anyone under the age of 18 use the term “fret”? Anyway, the redhead produces an earthworm for dark hair. The boys walk up to the arriving kid and greet him by the name of Elmer. Dark hair says to Elmer, “open your mouth and close your eyes and I’ll give you something to make you wise.” Ooh, a remix (I’m used to the “big surprise” version). Elmer obliges and promptly gets a mouthful of worm. The boys laugh as Mary and Laura look on, scandalized. Elmer tries to rationalize that worms aren’t so horrible to accidentally ingest, but no one is really buying it. The redhead then dives behind Elmer so that dark hair can push the kid over him. Hmmm, Elmer needs to work on his reflexes.

As the twerps run away, Laura jogs over to help Elmer. “If I were you I’d give them both black eyes,” Laura advises. Elmer says that fighting isn’t very Christian like (um, YMMV) to which Laura responds “Oh, I’d do unto ‘em” while brandishing her fist. I do enjoy feisty Laura. Elmer seems a bit blasé about feistiness, claiming that the boys are his friends. Almost immediately the redhead calls over saying “Elmer is the dumbest kid in Walnut Grove.” See, friendly. Yeesh.

Inside the school Miss Beadle announces that during civics class that afternoon there will be nominations for class president. There is some excited chatter after this announcement until the redhead, Kenny, raises his hand and declares that the girls don’t get to vote since women don’t get to vote. Yeah, I can just imagine a progressive like Emma Beadle not allowing females to vote. Shut up, Kenny. Fortunately, since women in 1876 could vote in Wyoming, that will be the precedent Miss Beadle will use to justify the female vote. Some of the boys actually start booing while Nellie screams “And we’ll win!” Sing it Sister Suffragette! Oh, she goes on to say that it is simply a numbers game since there are more girls than boys in the class. Still, you gotta find progress where you can.

During recess we see Nellie and Willie run over to the Mercantile. Inside we see a close-up of the jelly bean canister getting emptied and pull out to find that it is Harriet and not Nellie doing the emptying. She asks her daughter if that will be enough but Nellie mentions that a couple of the girls are partial to sour balls. Willie tries to cash in on the candy giveaway, but Harriet says no way since he is going to vote for his sister anyway. Willie is all “nuh-uh”, so Harriet gives in and fulfills his candy requests.

At this point Nels comes down the stairs and tells the kids to stop raiding the candy. Harriet says it’s alright before sending the kids back to school. “You know what the dentist in Mankato said and I paid dearly for the words,” Nels reminds his wife. Harriet explains that the candy is merely a contribution to her daughter’s political campaign. Harriet leaves to check on the roast in the oven and Nels starts to mumble something about the kids borrowing Harriet’s teeth. Harriet asks if he said something and he bluffs his way out by saying something about the roast being a good piece of beef. Hehe.

Back at school it is nomination time. “We’re going to hold our election just like the national election, the one that gave us Rutherford B. Hayes for our new president,” Miss Beadle explains. Oh jeez. I truly doubt that she is going to establish an Electoral College in the classroom so already it won’t be like the national election. Also, the election of 1876 was a political wrangling nightmare. First off, Samuel Tilden, the Democratic candidate, won the popular vote. However, results were disputed in four states – three of which were in the South (including Florida) where Reconstruction was the status quo. The validation of electoral results had to be determined by congressional committee. This resulted in the Compromise of 1877 which included bringing what some historians believe was the premature end to Reconstruction. Have I mentioned yet that this era of American history (the Gilded Age) is my favorite? Also, if you ever find yourself on I-80/I-90 between Cleveland and Toledo, I highly recommend the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center (exit 91).

So yeah, nominations. Miss Beadle opens the floor and Willie instantly nominates his sister. It takes a while for anyone to second the nomination and Nellie has to “psst” one of the girls sucking on a sour ball to do so. Miss Beadle writes Nellie’s name on the board. Nellie then proposes to close nominations. The class erupts into angry chatter before Miss Beadle calmly reminds her that more than one candidate is needed for an election. Kenny turns around and slaps the blond boy sitting behind him to remind him to nominate someone. This kid, Jim, nominates Mary. Mary is quietly surprised while Laura is ecstatic about this development. Another boy seconds the nomination. After Mary’s name is on the board, Kenny nominates Elmer Dobkins. All the kids laugh as dark hair seconds the nomination. “We need one boy to run against the girls,” one of the pranksters says. Hmmm, I wonder if Elmer’s slogan will be “Choo-choo-choose me!”

Bunny 4/5

Dinner time, but there are only four people at the Ingalls table. Pa is grumbling that this is the third time that Laura has been late for dinner. Basically he is getting fed up that Laura has put everything on the back burner in her efforts to help Nellie. Mary says that it is only until Nellie recovers, but Charles keeps open the possibility that Nellie may never get better. I'm with Charles on this one, especially since Nellie has managed to fool Doc Baker who would be the arbiter in determining if she is healthy or not. The barn door squeaks and Caroline goes outside to see if it is Laura arriving. Laura calls over to say that she was late because of Nellie's math homework but as soon as she feeds Bunny she'll come in. Ma tells her she missed dinner, but Laura doesn't seem to mind. Pa wants to give her a talking to, but Caroline says she'll speak with her daughter.

Caroline enters the barn and Laura asks if Pa is angry. Caroline clarifies that he is worried, not angry. Caroline is worried too, but Laura says that she'll be fine and it was just this once that was the problem. Caroline tells her that it wasn't "just this once" and then reasons with Laura that if this trend continues, she is going to have to stop helping Nellie. Laura starts to panic, but then Ma asks if Laura has her geography assignment ready for tomorrow. Laura tries to stall, but Caroline wants to see her progress. Laura goes to her books, but she knows she has nothing. She begs Ma to not tell Pa and that she needs to keep helping Nellie until "she sets things right." How long is that going to be, Half-pint? Caroline gives Laura a hug and tells her things will be all right. Laura tells her Ma that Mrs. Oleson spoke to her for the first time today and thanked her for all she has done for Nellie. This convinces Caroline that Laura should continue with the indentured servitude so long as she is home before dark and keeps up with her own school work.

Later that night, Willie is exiting his bedroom. As he lights a candle, he hears some noise coming from Nellie's room. As he investigates, we see that Nellie is sitting in a chair telling her doll about all the nice things they will be getting as long as Nellie is able to keep up her charade. Willie opens the door and asks "How did you get in that chair?" Nellie hops over the bed, closes the door, and prepares to murder her brother. She puts her hand over his mouth and tells him that if he says anything she'll say he is lying. She knows it will work because he lies more than she does. Nellie tells him if he doesn't say anything, she'll give him a cut of her candy supply. Willie asks her why she is doing this and she says she's in it for all the free stuff. Well duh. Nellie offers her brother some candy, but he has to go to the outhouse. That might be where Nellie's plan is going at this rate.

Laura heads up to Nellie's room the next day after school. When she arrives, Nellie is refusing to let Doc Baker examine her. She claims that she can't feel anything, but Doc Baker insists that his tests are necessary to see if Nellie is improving. "I don't like to be stuck by a needle," Nellie whines. Well if you can't feel anything then you won't know if you were stuck, right? Doc Baker asks if it hurts, and Nellie says she wouldn't be able to feel it but she just doesn't like being a part of a process. She begs her mother to tell Doc Baker to leave. He agrees and says he'll check back in a day or two.

Once Nels and the doctor leave the room, Nellie invites Laura in to look at her new doll from England. She goes on to brag that her mother has ordered a whole bunch of fancy new stuff. Laura seems unfazed by any of this and instead presents Nellie's map assignment. Nellie got an A; Laura did not. Harriet feigns disappointment before suggesting that Nellie might want to assist Laura with her homework. WHAT?! That doesn't even make sense. Shut up, Harriet. Nellie thanks her mother for the doll, to which Harriet replies, "You deserve it for that 'A'." She leaves the room before I can throw my shoes at her.

Laura sits at Nellie's bedside and gives her an update on the chat she had with her Ma last night. Laura lays it out that she can't do Nellie's work and her own work. Nellie says it is too hard for her but that doesn't seem to work on Laura. She then claims to feel dizzy. Nellie asks if there is any homework and Laura says there's some arithmetic. Funny, Nellie's dizziness gets worse. Tell her there are fractions and see if she vomits. Nellie begs Laura to do her homework for her. Laura reluctantly agrees. As Laura sets to work, Nellie reminds her to write the numbers small (like Nellie does). Then she pulls out a candy cane and sucks on it while Laura toils away. Yeah, Nellie sucks.

Bunny 1/5

Laura is running across a field and grabs a bright red apple from a tree. She doesn't stop until she reaches a corral where a black horse is hanging out. Laura gives the horse the apple and says she doesn't have time to chat. The horse doesn't seem too broken up by this revelation. Laura continues down the road into town, dropping some books along the way. She retrieves them and moseys on to school. As the horse finishes the apple, we see that this episode was written and directed by Michael Landon. That's always a sign that some really bud stuff is going to go down in Walnut Grove this week.

Laura runs into school, throws off her hat and lunch pail, and then scrambles to her seat. She apologizes to Miss Beadle who asks why Laura was late when Mary was on time. "I had to stop by Simpson's orchard to get an apple for someone," the girl replies. Miss Beadle is touched by the sentiment and thanks Laura. Laura sheepishly corrects Miss Beadle, saying that the apple was for someone else. Nellie announces that the apple was for a horse. The class laughs while Mary rolls her eyes. Miss Beadle tells Laura that she should do her gift giving after school from now on. She then gives the class some time to review some spelling words before an oral exam. The school/church/playhouse is also a dentist office? Oh, wait, I get it.

Nellie leans forward and whispers to Laura to stop feeding her horse. Laura says the horse likes apples, but Nellie doesn't care since the horse is not Laura's anymore. "You only do it because you want her to like you more than she likes me," Nellie says. Laura smiles and says to Nellie, "so that's why you give Miss Beadle apples." Miss Beadle notices the chatter and asks Laura why she is talking instead of working. Laura tells her that Nellie was explaining why she gives apples to the teacher.

After school, Mary is reprimanding Laura about the talking incident from earlier. Really? Nothing else happened at school that day? As they walk home, Laura shares her regret about trading the horse to Mr. Oleson. Mary reminds her that the trade got a stove for Ma. Laura is just disappointed that Nellie is treating the horse so poorly. As the girls walk by the Oleson Corral, Nellie is on top of the horse and is continuously lashing it with her whip. The horse is not a fan and Laura notices this. Laura reaches out to pet the horse's face, but Nellie tells her to back off as she lashes the horse some more. "Don't do that!" Laura commands. But Nellie just does as she damn well pleases saying, "I know how to handle a horse," and continues to thwack it. The horse has had enough and busts out of the corral. Laura screams for Bunny, the horse, to come back. The horse runs up a hill into a wooded area and Nellie gets hit with a tree branch right across the face. She flies off the horse as the girls continue to run after both of them. When they reach Nellie she is unresponsive. Mary goes to get Doc Baker.

Nellie is still unconscious during the examination. She has been moved to her bedroom and Doc Baker looks a tad grim after he examines her eyes. The Ingalls girls watch along with Nels and Harriet. Nels asks if the Doc knows anything yet, but all he can report is that Nellie has a slight concussion. Harriet is horrified by the news. She asks why she won't wake up, and the Doc says although the concussion is slight, the hit to the head was rather significant. Nels asks about Nellie's arm and Doc Baker says he'll get a splint on it just in case there is a slight break. Harriet asks Nels why he let Nellie keep the horse but Nels isn't too worried about his daughter. Since Nels won't engage, Harriet turns on Laura, saying it was her horse and that she should have said it was dangerous. Seriously, lady? That's like saying "how was I supposed to know that this gun shot bullets?" Nels cuts in and says it was an accident, but Harriet believes that the horse deliberately ran her daughter into a tree. Either way, how would that be Laura's fault? Harriet says the horse should get snuffed, but Laura says it wasn't the horse's fault. "I know where the fault lies, Laura Ingalls," starts Mrs. Oleson. "You traded a vicious animal because you wanted to get rid of it for a stove that cost a great deal of money." I realize a lot of this is just the anger talking, but it takes two to trade, Harriet. An "as is" sale is an "as is" sale. Nels tells his wife to calm down, but she continues to threaten the Ingalls girl.

Meanwhile, Nellie wakes up and calls out for her mother. Both her parents go to her side as Doc Baker tells the patient that she gave everyone quite a scare. Laura is relieved as is Mary. The Doc asks how Nellie feels but she says she doesn't know, just that she feels strange. Doc Baker asks for some clarification and Nellie says she can't feel her legs. Harriet gives Doc Baker a look that seems to say "You broke my daughter!" but the Doc cordially offers to do a little test. He pulls out a needle and Nellie gets all kinds of nervous. Doc Baker says it won't hurt and Nellie should speak up if she feels anything. Wouldn't it "not hurting" be a bad thing in this scenario? Anyway, he pokes the tip of Nellie's toe and asks if she feels anything. She says no, so Doc Baker pokes other toes and parts of her feet. She doesn't give any sort of response, but I have to wonder if maybe she has managed to psych herself out of feeling anything. Doc Baker really should poke the center of her sole, but he doesn't. Instead he asks if she can move her legs and Nellie says she can't in the most matter of fact way possible. Harriet is devastated by this news and Nels consoles her. Doc Baker says it should only be a temporary condition. Really?

The Ingalls girls watch this unfold, Mary looking stern and resolute while Laura looks like she is about to start panicking any moment. Harriet, mid-sob, tells Nels to go downstairs and shoot the horse. Nels tries to reason with his wife, but she says she'll shoot the horse if he won't. She then turns to Laura and says "I hope you're happy Laura Ingalls, now that you have made my little girl crippled." Everybody is a little offended by the statement, though I think it is almost fitting that Harriet get thrust into such a situation. With all of her fat-phobia, deaf-phobia, and classist bullshit she has spewed over the years, it's about time some real life hit her. Doc Baker tells Mrs. Oleson that no one is to blame and that she is jumping to conclusions. Before he can finish, Harriet interrupts to say, "Well, make her walk, Doctor." She then turns to her daughter and instructs her to walk. "I can't, mother," Nellie says, the way one would say "I'll mow the lawn this afternoooooon."

Harriet begins to sob and yell. "You get out of my house, Laura Ingalls. And don't you ever come back here again." She then tells Nels to "put that animal to sleep." I think she meant the horse, but Laura runs out of the room with Mary chasing after her. Laura runs all the way down to the stable and starts to cry just outside of Bunny's stall. Mary tells Laura it isn't her fault, but Laura believes that it is. Laura claims it isn't Bunny's fault because the horse didn't know any better. Laura mounts Bunny and Mary asks what she is doing. Laura says she needs to take the horse so the Olesons won't kill it. Mary shouts after her sister when she rides out of the stable.

At the homestead, Caroline looks a little stressed as Charles contemplates at the mantle. She starts to say something, but Charles snaps "I looked every place; we're just going to have to wait." Jeez, a little touchy there. There is the sound of a horse's whinny, which causes both Ma and Pa to go outside. Laura has returned with the horse. Caroline hugs her daughter as Laura explains that she wanted to hide Bunny but didn't know where to go. Charles says he'll put Bunny up in the barn and tells Laura to go inside. She asks her Pa not to let anyone hurt Bunny. Okay, show, I think we have the basic theme here, can we move along please?

The Aftermath 3/5

The church bell rings as the congregation files into the building. The Ingalls family runs into Doc Baker and Jonathan. They exchange greetings and Doc Baker says he hopes for a short sermon because "it's gonna be hotter than you know what" today. Caroline is somewhat scandalized by this. Really? Doc Baker tips his hat in apology. Just then, the sound of horses approaching causes those still outside to turn around. Caroline wonders who the riders are and Mary notices they are carrying guns. Isn't stating the obvious Laura's job? She still hasn't said anything! Charles tells his wife and kids to go inside while he and the other men-folk deal with the arriving posse.

The leader of the posse rides up and says howdy to the gentlemen gathered outside. He's looking for any information about the James brothers because they may have passed through the area recently. Charles asks if the man is a sheriff, but the posse is actually a group of bounty hunters. Charles, Jonathan and Doc Baker exchange a glance. The leader notices this and waxes philosophical about how bounty hunters may be unpopular but they save "you taxpayers a lot of money." Well, no. You're duplicating a service that is already being provided and paid for. Also, what taxes would be applied in this situation? Certainly not federal, since income taxes weren't established until 1918. Doc Baker also asks how the bounty hunters save money. The leader says that trials cost money, so the swift justice served by a bounty hunter gets to bypass that costly step. How considerate. Charles steps forward and tells the leader that the only people they have seen recently with guns are the bounty hunters. The leader suggests that the James brothers might be a bit more subtle than to brandish weapons willy nilly. He then hands a "Wanted" poster to Charles and asks for the townspeople to keep an eye out for trouble. Ominous music plays as they ride off. Doc Baker suggests that they go inside, but Charles hands him the poster first. They instantly recognize the pictures as Dankworth and Hobbes. Jonathan asks Charles why he didn't say anything. Charles responds that he didn't want them killed in cold blood. Doc Baker agrees but thinks that perhaps others should be made aware of the situation. Charles suggests a men-folk meeting during lunchtime the next day.

The bounty hunters ride past the Plaza De Hanson and Jesse see the commotion outside the front window. He has his gun pulled, but since the hunters don't stop Jesse determines that no one in town is aware of their true identities. Frank would rather just get a couple of horses and skip town. Jesse disagrees, saying that Walnut Grove may be the safest place for them to hideout at the moment.

"I wouldn't mind so much if I had a reason, but you won't give me one," Mary whines. We're back at the homestead with Bizarro Caroline laying down the law. Charles is sitting at the table quietly as Mary whines about why she isn't allowed to keep her job. Charles tells her she will find out later, but until then she is simply not allowed to work for the men. Mary reluctantly agrees and sulks her way up to the loft. Laura, who sat on the edge of the loft to watch the scene below, just holds her head in her hands and sighs. Does she have laryngitis this week or something?

Men-folk meeting. Actually, it looks like post meeting since Reverend Alden kindly summarizes that someone will travel to Mankato to tell the marshal there of the situation. The sound of approaching horses is heard again. The bounty hunters have returned and everyone looks concerned. "What are we going to tell them?" asks Nels. "As little as we can," replies Jonathan as he walks over to meet the leader. The leader is less cordial this time, reporting that witnesses saw the James brothers get off the stage in Walnut Grove the week before. One of the posse members happens to be the stagecoach driver and he was able to positively ID the guys based on the latest published photos of the criminals. The leader asks where they are but no one responds. "Harboring criminals is a serious offense," the leader warns,"we either get your cooperation or every building in this town is gonna be turned inside out. Believe me we have the authority." From who? Granted, my only knowledge of the world of bounty hunters comes from the Metroid games and Midnight Run, so unless this guy rolls up into a ball and starts dropping F-bombs I don't think he's legit.

Anyway, no one answers the leader's threat. Reverend Alden steps forward and suggests that they convene a town meeting. The leader is dubious about this, but Alden emphatically restates that they need a town meeting. The leader suspects that something is up, but decides to allow for a meeting in one hour. Oh, and they are going to seal the town. Jonathan says some of the kids in school live outside of town, so the leader says the kids can leave but everyone else has to stay put. The posse splits up to cover the exits.

Back at Maison Hanson, Jesse is in the front doorway and he looks perturbed. Frank hobbles over and asks his brother if the posse might have just been passing through. Jesse is not naive and he is starting to think of a Plan B. This could get ugly.

Miss Beadle is in the middle of discussing a lesson when Jonathan walks in. He asks to speak to the teacher and she excuses herself. We hear some whispers and Mary looks on with bland concern. Bobby is trying to stare her down. They are so going to make out. Miss Beadle returns and tells the class they will be dismissing early. After a brief cheer, Miss Beadle tells the kids to go straight home and that tomorrow will be the start of their Shakespeare unit. Yay! Oh, the kids don't seem to share my enthusiasm. The kids file out but Miss Beadle asks Mary to stick around for a moment. They have a chat about the recent Civil War unit and Miss Beadle believes that Mary got more out of it than any one in the class. Mary thanks her and leaves.

We see various outskirts of town and the posse keeping watch. The stagecoach driver and the leader, Mr. Broder, have a chat about the situation. The driver can't believe that the law-abiding, God-fearing folks of the town would hide criminals. Broder doesn't fully believe that they are law-abiding or even friendly. More flies with honey, Broder.

Laura and Carrie are running down a road that appears to be going back into town. Pa sees them and calls them over. He asks why they are back in town. Laura finally says something! Specifically, she left a book at school and returned to get it. Pa asks where Mary is and Laura reluctantly reveals that she went to thank Dankworth and Hobbes. Charles is not a fan of this development. Laura asks about her book, but Pa snaps at her to go home.

Mary is approaching the Palace. Jesse sees her through the front window then calls Frank over to watch this latest twist. Frank sees the look in Jesse's eye and tells him not to do what he is about to do. Jesse says "life's hard" and you gotta do what you gotta do. There's a knock on the door and Jesse invites Mary inside. Frank is not happy.

The Aftermath 2/5

That night at dinner, Caroline shares her reservations about Mary's new job. She doesn't like the fact that her daughter will be running errands for complete strangers, particularly one who is sick and may be contagious. I have to admit, it is a little weird for Caroline to be this judgmental. I could see her not liking that money is changing hands, but to dislike the idea of helping others outright seems a bit out of character for her. Charles assures his wife that Hobbes isn't contagious because swamp fever isn't contagious. She asks if he is certain it is swamp fever. Charles says no and is smart enough to leave out the conversation he had with Doc Baker earlier. Caroline declares that until there is a diagnosis, Mary may not work for the new guys. Mary starts to whine before Pa interjects that he will take Doc Baker to the Hanson Suites and get Hobbes checked out. Caroline approves of this compromise. I'm glad that Charles is already improving his negotiation skills.

As promised, Charles and Doc Baker ride out to the house the next day. Charles stays on the buckboard as Doc Baker knocks on the door. There is no answer at first, so he knocks again. P.K./Jesse asks "who is it?" and opens the door once Doc Baker identifies himself. They chat a bit about Hobbes' symptoms and the Doc says he is concerned about the convulsions. P.K. agrees with him but goes on to say that Hobbes has an overwhelming fear of doctors. Perhaps he has haphephobia (fear of being touched), trypanophobia (fear of inoculations), or scopophobia (fear of being looked at). Or maybe he just doesn't believe doctors in 1880 know what they're doing. Anyway, P.K./Jesse says that there's no way that Hobbes will consent to any procedure. Doc Baker just offers a polite reminder that his office door is always open if they change their minds.

Carrie is trying to read a book while Model U.N. bickers behind her. Miss Beadle begins banging her shoe on the desk to try to silence the maddening crowd. We don't actually see her do this, but you can hear her trying to restore order. She reiterates that the discussion at hand is about the causes of the Civil War and not finding the source of blame for the conflict. Mary raises her hand, stands up, and makes a speech about how the question of right or wrong is too deeply entwined with the factors that caused the war. First, there should be more standing in school when someone is making a point. Second, what she said would have carried far more weight at my school if she prefaced it with "I think I feel that..." Either way, Miss Beadle shuts her down by saying that it is possible to separate the two if one looks at why people felt the way they did rather than choosing up sides. A boy sitting behind Mary raises his hand, and before Miss Beadle calls on Bobby, he stands up and says "I SAY THE NORTH WON BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT." He then calls out Mary for being sympathetic to the South's justifications for the war. Oh historical discourse, how I don't really miss you all that much. This triggers another round of shrieky bickering before Miss Beadle tells both of them to cool it and sit down.

After they sit, Bobby gets a monologue about how his family was raped, murdered, then raped again by the South. Uh, I'm paraphrasing. This whole time I'm just trying to see if Nellie is able to stay awake because she is struggling to do so. By the end of the story, Laura, Mary and Miss Beadle are all visibly uncomfortable. Miss Beadle states that this project may end up being canceled since it is getting a bit too personal for people. Weak. In my creative writing class in twelfth grade, we had to write a "poem" to someone we haven't spoken to in a very long time. Since my creative writing does not include poetry I decided to write something assy and sassy as a form of protest (something I did quite often in that class). Fortunately, the sharing of these assignments started at the other end of the classroom with people who took it a bit more seriously than I. One girl wrote to her sister who was buried. The teacher thought she said "married", but was soon corrected when the girl said, in the way one would discuss American Idol results, "no, miss, she was murdered." Take a lesson from THAT, Miss Beadle. Oh, and before she dismisses class Miss Beadle says they will vote on whether or not to continue tomorrow. What is with democratizing education all of a sudden, show?

Over at the mill, Mary stops by to say hi to Pa and talk about what happened at school. Laura and Carrie are sitting in the background and it just occurred to me that neither one has said a word yet this episode. I'm used to it with Carrie, but Laura has been present in three scene and hasn't made a peep. Anyway, Pa informs Mary that she can start working. Why would Caroline change her mind since Doc Baker did not examine the patient? I think the introduction of Jesse James has sent Walnut Grove into Bizarro World.

We rejoin Mary as she folds the sheets that were covering the furniture in the Hanson Condo. P.K./Jesse finishes up a grocery list and gives it to Mary. Hobbes also asks her to pick up any history books that might be available. Mary completely geeks out at this point and asks if he knows anything about the Civil War. He says he does and tells her they both fought for the South. "That's wonderful!" gushes Mary. She corrects herself, saying that she is trying to get information about the South's perspective but everything is told from the North's point of view. History is written by the victors, Mary. P.K./Jesse asks what she wants to know. Mary replies that she wanted to find out their perspective on the Quantrill's Raiders story that Bob Ford told in class. Why does that name sound familiar? Hobbes says that both sides did terrible things and asks Mary if she ever heard of something called Rule 11. P.K. tries to shush his partner, but Hobbes continues.

We find out about Rule 11 from Mary's report at school the following day. Basically, families in the region affected by Quantrill's Raiders had to prove their loyalty to the North or move out of the Missouri territory. This resulted in a great number of people relocating. Also, the abandoned property was looted and torched and many of the homeless and displaced were killed by Union soldiers. That is what we in the biz would call a PR nightmare. Bobby calls it a lie and challenges Mary but Miss Beadle interrupts to say that she knew about Rule 11. Bobby asks what does Mary's report prove and Mary replies that it shows that both sides did some pretty nasty shit. Bobby, the proto-neo-con, says those people affected by Rule 11 deserved it because they were traitors. The whole class is all like "really, dude? Just stop." Laura just shakes her head in shame, still not saying a word.

Fight, Team, Fight 3/5

That evening we see the Olesons and Ingalls departing the Ellerbee house. I guess there was a dinner party and none of us were invited. Harriet is laughing about a story involving Pete running over Nels back in their college football days. Okay, that does sound kind of funny. After the couples leave, both Pete and his wife seem pretty satisfied with their evening. Mrs. Ellerbee joshes her husband about a touchdown story he told earlier. Uh oh, he doesn't respond well to gentle teasing. She doesn't pick up on this and playfully remarks that some of the details of the story seem to have grown with age. "It's just the way it happened," Pete responds sternly as he turns to go back inside the house. Mrs. Ellerbee says she was only joking and asks where his sense of humor is. First, I don't think he ever had one. Second, that question rarely lightens up the situation whenever it is asked. Case in point: Pete now believes that his wife just called him a liar. Her defense is that the game was so long ago that the details would have to be a little fuzzy, but Pete coldly says that he remembers it like it was yesterday.

Mrs. Ellerbee decides to drop the fight as her husband retrieves his scrapbook and sits at his desk to look at it once again. "This obsession of yours with football is getting a little out of control," she says. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks. Um, not a lot of verbal clutter in what she said, though I may now understand why your nickname was "Big Rock", Pete. Mrs. Ellerbee tells her husband that he treats football more like war instead of a game. Perhaps his successful business was in fast food? His response is akin to "I know you are, but what am I?", so she tries a different approach. Specifically, what is going to happen to Dan? Pete doesn't think there is a problem with his son since he is improving on the field everyday. Mrs. Ellerbee claims that he is only improving so that he can win his father's approval, despite his hatred of the sport. I think this might be a situation where both sides are correct and wrong simultaneously. Mrs. Ellerbee moves on to the conclusion of her argument: that Pete moved the family to Walnut Grove so that Dan could become BMOC and get into Rutgers to play football on a legacy scholarship. Pete starts to issue a warning to his wife, but she interrupts and warns her husband that if Dan gets pushed into doing something he has no desire or talent to do that he will grow up to resent his father. You see if it were one or the other, desire or talent, I could understand that argument. But if the kid is lacking both why would Mr. Ellerbee keep forcing the issue? Pete doesn't have a response, so he decides to retire for the evening. The scene ends with Mrs. Ellerbee looking at the Football-in-a-cup as if it was The Other Woman.

More football practice. Another kid is quarterbacking, but Albert is the one running the play. Man, these kids aren't even trying any more. One literally keels over as Albert saunters by with the ball. After the play Coach Ellerbee says things are looking better and they should run it again. The whole team groans. Willie steps forward and asks if they can take a break. "I don't understand you people," Ellerbee says. There's another phrase that does nothing but invite controversy: "you people". Try it sometime. Anyway, Coach doesn't understand why the team's stamina isn't improving. Willie explains that other commitments, specifically schoolwork, are wearing them out. Ellerbee decides to have a chat with Mrs. Wilder and tells the team they can rest. They all collapse to the ground in a slapstick sort of way. Really, show?

As Mr. Ellerbee enters the school a bunch of girls are leaving the building. Wait a minute, the boys are getting let out of school for football? Uh, I wouldn't press your luck there, Big Rock. Laura is working at her desk when Pete enters. He apologizes for disturbing her and she responds that she has only just started grading papers. "Meaning the teacher has as much homework as the students?" he asks. I think he thinks that he is being cordial but it's coming off really condescending. Laura replies that she actually has more work (lesson plans, school board items, pompous coaches). Mr. Ellerbee commends Laura, again in a cordial/condescending sort of way. He brings up the subject of the football team's preparation for the weekend's big game. Laura says she's aware, but has a distinctly bored tone in her voice. Pete proposes that Laura cuts down on the boys' homework so that they can get a bit more rest before the game. Laura responds by suggesting that the boys cut down on their football practice so that they have enough energy to finish their homework assignments. Coach chuckles before saying, "for what they're facing on Saturday, they couldn't get enough practice." Laura says that's fine since their grades are reaching a point of no return. Pete can't believe Laura would fail his team, but she corrects him that the team would be the ones doing the failing. Laura isn't giving in and Ellerbee starts pouting that she isn't sympathetic to his problem.

After Coach storms out of the school he stomps towards the field and tells the boys to get on their feet. Albert is reading his history text and Ellerbee yanks the book out of his hands. "Not during football practice," he orders. Albert joins his teammates as Charles walks up to check with Pete on how the team is doing. We hear more lotto numbers as Albert does yet another rushing play. The opposition has finally gotten wise to this strategy and tackle Albert -- hard. One of the players calls over to the adults saying that Albert is injured.

Doc Baker examines Albert in his office and determines that there are no broken ribs. Albert interprets this as a clean bill of health, but the Doc says that he may have a fracture. Charles doesn't want to take any chances. Albert says he is fine and Ellerbee says the team needs Albert if they want any chance of winning on Saturday. Pa still refuses, causing Ellerbee to suggest that Doc Baker tapes up the boy. The Doc is okay with this solution and Ellerbee assures Charles that he'll pull Albert out if he starts to feel pain. "It's against my better judgment," Charles says before he okays the procedure. Oh Charles, when has your better judgment ever steered you wrong?

We see Pa and Albert return to the homestead. Charles asks if Albert is still able to do his chores and the kid says he is. Albert walks over to the barn to move a sack of feed. Albert tries but is in excruciating pain. Well, he should be, though the acting is a bit understated. I was in a car accident a few years ago where my sternum was bruised by the seat belt. I tried to go to work that evening and I got a harsh lesson in human anatomy. You have no idea how much all those interconnected bones, muscles, and tissues can hurt until you try to move an object similar to a lawn chair when you have a bruised sternum. That sack of grain should have caused Albert to vomit in pain.

Fight, Team, Fight 2/5

That night at dinner, Pete reports that the first game is against last year's champions. Pete is cautiously optimistic, pointing out that the Walnut Grove team needs to boost their spirits if they want to do well. He thinks a good game against the champs will probably do the trick. Dan is so over this already. Pete tells his son to speak up about what is bothering him. Dan asks "You sure?" I think the kid was referring to the concept of being allowed to speak up, but Pete interprets it as a question of the potential spirit raise. Dan decides to follow his dad's train of thought and says that Albert is the only good player on the team and many of the players are bad, particularly Willie (HA!). Pete agrees that some individuals need to improve, but that the team is in decent shape. Dan goes on to say that many of his teammates aren't as good as he is, which Pete turns around by saying that Dan has improved and the others just aren't up to his standards. Mom perks up at this praise as does Dan. Pete tells his son that he is gaining confidence and Dan smiles.

Dan excuses himself from dinner to go to bed. Pete reminds Dan not to be late for practice and mom laughs. Once the son is gone, mom tells Pete that it was nice of him to compliment Dan. He says he hopes he didn't overdo it, but mom assures him that these moments of approval are oh so vital. "Well if he deserves it he'll get it: Simple as that," Pete says. Mom bristles at that, so she segues into a concern about how tired her son has been lately. Pete tells her that all the boys are tired and it is part of his toughening up process.

Over at the homestead, Charles is driving nails into a plank of wood. Albert is coming home from practice and looks pretty roughed up. Pa reminds him to take care of some sacks of feed on the wagon and Albert assures him that he'll get to it. Charles notices how beat up Albert is and the boy says that he is a bit overwhelmed with football, school and chores. Albert confides that he liked it better when Mr. Oleson was coaching because it was more about having fun instead of work. Charles asks why Albert is sticking with it and he replies that he can't let the team down. Charles is kind of blase about this sentiment, but is nice enough to say that he'll take care of the feed sacks so Albert won't have to.

Laura is at home grading papers and is getting pretty flustered. "Every single member of that football team is gonna fail," she calls out to her husband. Almanzo asks if she has spoken with them, and she says they all have the same excuse: too tired from football practice. She says she doesn't know what she is going to do if this keeps up.

The next day at practice we see an improved punt return. Albert is looking extremely roughed up -- even Willie is showing concern. No time for that though, as Ellerbee yells at Albert from the line of scrimmage to hustle. "No, Willie, I'm not all right," Albert grumbles as he walks over to his coach. He's so over football at this point and tells Ellerbee that he wants off the team. As the team reacts to the news, Coach Ellerbee asks for an explanation. Albert responds that he doesn't have time for anything else like school or chores and he isn't really a fan of getting pummeled daily without a really, really good reason. "If you don't know why you wanna play football, why play it?" Asks Ellerbee. So, we're in agreement? No, I guess not, because the coach turns it into a passive-aggressive guilt trip about how the other boys want to be courageous and blah, blah, blah. Once the coach is finished with his tautology, he dismisses the boy and moves on to the next drill. Albert thinks about it for a minute and runs over to Ellerbee again. After a couple of rounds of the silent treatment, Albert capitulates and is let back on the team. Sorry for the cliffs notes version of the events, but I really can't stand listening to Zen and the Art of Pass Interference crap and I'm not all that interested in writing it down. After a few more lottery numbers, we see Albert perform another rushing play that pleases Ellerbee.

Country Girls 5/5

Later that night, Charles rolls over in bed and notices that Caroline is not there. He wakes up and calls out for his wife. She peeks into the bedroom from the common room and apologizes for leaving the light on as she continued to work on her dress. He suggests that she should turn in, but Caroline wants to finish her project first. Charles goes back to sleep.

The next morning the family gathers for breakfast. Once Laura and Mary are downstairs and have greeted their Pa, Ma walks out of the kitchen holding two small dresses made of the blue fabric. The girls are pleasantly surprised. Ma tells the girls that her brown dress is just fine and that they should wear something nice if they are going to speak in front of a group of people. Mary says they wouldn't have minded wearing their calicoes, but Ma says she would have minded and tells her daughters to enjoy their new clothes. Laura hugs Ma before going upstairs with Mary to change. Charles tells Caroline "you're quite a woman." Aw. Then Carrie says "I'm a new freezer, daddy(?)". Sure, why not, I'm too lazy to figure out the closed captioning on my TV.

Wow, they really packed the people into the school for a bunch of elementary school speeches. Our first speaker is a six year old who likes horses. "I like riding horse more than I like...more than I like...I like riding horses." I don't think he wrote this. Either that or his handwriting is so bad that he can't decipher his own notes. I will give the adults credit for being very polite while listening to the monotone delivery that only a six year old can provide.

Next up, Nellie Oleson. Yeesh, lilac is not her color. Anyway, her speech is titled "My Home" and it reads like one of those televised real estate listings you see on Sunday mornings for condos that you would never want to live in and would not be able to afford if you did. Shortly after the speech begins, the boy sitting behind Laura raises his hand, but Miss Beadle gives him a stern look. As Nellie is prattling on about the various china collections, the class starts to giggle at the boy. Nellie pauses and narrows her eyes before continuing. The class continues to giggle as the boy continues to wave towards Miss Beadle. She eventually nods and the boy runs out of the room. Oh, he needed to use the outhouse. Harriet, who is dressed in her Mommie Dearest collection, is not amused. Nellie continues bragging about everything her family owns and we see just how bored the audience is. The only ones who aren't bored are Harriet, who is pleased with the oratory, and Nels, who looks rather uncomfortable. He continues to look at the floor shame-faced as Nellie finishes her speech and the room politely applauds.

Let's see if Laura can top that. Her essay is titled "My Mother". She begins by telling the crowd that Mary's essay is all about their Pa but that their Ma is a hard worker as well. Laura lists all the day-to-day activities that Caroline does and how important those tasks are. Laura then recalls an anecdote about a time when she took ill and Ma stayed by her side all night. Caroline appears to be getting a little verklempt. Laura also shares the story about the dresses and Ma is finally moved to tears. Aw. Also, it appears that Laura got over whatever anxiety she was experiencing the night before -- her delivery was almost professional. I call no waysies.

Once the speeches are over the town exits the school. Nels is behind Charles as and he tells Mr. Ingalls that "you are a lucky man." Charles thanks him before Harriet calls over to her husband. "Very lucky," Nels reiterates. Mary asks her parents what they thought of her essay and they both compliment her work. Ma notices Laura has wandered off and goes to join her daughter. She thanks Laura for her kind words, but then decides to bust her. That's gratitude. Laura tells her Ma that what she said on stage is what she would have written if she knew how. "But it wasn't really an essay, was it?" asks Caroline. Isn't that a little harsh? I mean the only speech that even came close to being an essay was Nellie's, her thesis being "my house shits on your house". I think we can lower the bar a smidge, Ma. Laura agrees with her mother who looks at what Laura really wrote. Laura asks her Ma what Miss Beadle will do when she turns in the assignment. Ma goes into the school with Laura to find out.

Miss Beadle turns from cleaning the blackboard and greets Mrs. Ingalls. She congratulates her and her daughters for the wonderful presentations. Laura sheepishly hands over her paper. Miss Beadle looks at it and so do we:

Ma is good
She works hard
she cooks
she sews

I think Miss Beadle somewhat expected this, since "I reckon" probably hasn't shown up on any of Laura's spelling lists so far. She mentions that Laura's spelling has improved but that her handwriting could use some work. Miss Beadle is optimistic that Laura will be all aces by the end of the term. Everyone is smiling. Yay teachers! Yay moms!

As the family walks home, Laura voices over that Ma took both Mary and Laura's essays and added them to the collection of items from the wooden trunk. Aw.

Country Girls 4/5

Ring Around the Rosie again? It’s just five girls playing this time as Laura watches from outside the circle. After a round, one girl invites Laura into the circle but she asks why they always have to play the same game. Nellie answers “because I say so” before starting round seventy eight. As the girls skip in their circle, Laura starts shouting something above the monotones of RAtR. Is she reciting bawdy limericks? Something about a sick guy named Uncle John? Did Laura make a veiled drug reference? Nellie stops her game and tells Laura to stop before pushing her to the ground. Laura’s response: “Apple, a dumpling. What shall we send it in?” That was unexpected. Nellie pushes Laura back to the ground. Laura stands up to Nellie, both figuratively and literally, saying that she wants to play a different game: Uncle John. Ohhhh. It’s like RAtR but with a dash of Diplomacy. Nellie pushes Laura to the ground a third time. I’m guessing she’s played Diplomacy before. Laura cries out “Uncle John” before she lunges and knocks Nellie over. “You wanna fight; I’ll fight. You wanna play; we’re playing Uncle John!”

Slam cut to the homestead with both Caroline and Charles giving Laura stern looks. Laura admits that she “did on to Nellie, but not what you had in mind.” She apologizes for disobeying her parents, but she had reached her breaking point. Pa commends Laura for reporting the incident herself instead of letting someone else tell them about it. He asks Laura what should be done about the situation and she suggests whatever he thinks is best. She also reminds Pa that Nellie did start the commotion. Caroline looks at Charles and he takes a moment before rationalizing that Laura was justified in her actions. He asks his daughter to promise not to do it again and when she agrees he sends her off to bed. Caroline is not exactly thrilled with this resolution and Charles reads that on her face. He turns back to Laura and reiterates that she made a promise. Laura assures him that there won’t be any more problems since Nellie is scared of her now. Ma is even less pleased with this new information. “Charles,” she says, “you’re much too easy on her. She isn’t the least bit sorry for what she did.” Charles reminds her that Nellie did start the fight, which she counters with the “turn the other cheek” argument. Charles is all like “whatever” and starts to play the fiddle. Caroline rolls her eyes but starts to laugh.

The next day we see Caroline taking a basket of eggs to the Mercantile. Nels greets her as he carries some bolts of fabric through the showroom. Harriet pops up from behind the counter like some Jack-in-the-box-of-the-damned and asks if Caroline is there to apologize for yesterday’s schoolyard fight. Caroline is only there to sell her eggs and Mrs. Oleson says “I should have expected as much.” She then proceeds to give Caroline a lecture about how to raise her kids, particularly ones that start fights. Caroline waits for Harriet to finish before mentioning that it was actually Nellie who started the fight. Before she can finish Mrs. Oleson interrupts her with a reminder that brown eggs are still four cents less per dozen. She removes the cloth on top of Caroline’s basket and is shocked to find that Mrs. Ingalls only brought white eggs to sell. Turns out Charles sold the brown eggs at the mill for a much better price. “That’s gratitude,” a wounded Harriet says. Whatever, lady. “No, that’s good business,” corrects Caroline. Mrs. Oleson is not amused and suggests that maybe they will buy her white eggs. Caroline agrees and starts to leave the store. Realizing she is about to lose business, Harriet stops Caroline saying she is “too busy to quibble over pennies.” Harriet decides to buy the brown eggs at the same price as the white eggs. Nels is watching this unfold and seems to enjoy seeing his wife get put in her place.

As Harriet takes the basket back to the counter, Caroline takes a closer look at a bolt of robin-egg blue fabric. Harriet wanders back over and gives her another fabric that looks like muslin or burlap that she feels is more appropriate for Caroline’s needs. The part about Harriet that I never understood, and it is consistent throughout the series, is how she always tries to talk people out of buying nicer, presumably more expensive items. If I had to make a determination, it would be that her miserliness is trumped only by her vanity that only she and her family may have nice things. It’s a bizarre way to run a business in my opinion. Caroline semi-politely refuses Harriet’s offer, but is reminded that “country folk have to think more on the practical.” Caroline tells Nels that she will take some of the blue fabric. Or maybe not, since Harriet grabs the bolt from her husband’s hands and tells Caroline it would be a mistake. Amazingly Mrs. Ingalls is able to maintain her cool as she reminds Mrs. Oleson that “it is customary to let the buyer do the choosing.” Harriet’s jaw drops as she looks to her husband for backup. He doesn’t provide it as he also seems mortified that someone actually stood up to his wife’s bullying. Harriet excuses herself and Caroline places her order. Nels does reiterate that it will cost a bit but the color will look “right smart on you, Mrs. Ingalls.”

Back at the homestead Caroline shows her purchase to her family. Laura reaches out to touch the fabric and Mary smacks her hand away. Caroline is experiencing a bit of buyer’s remorse, citing that the encounter with Harriet is probably what drove her to make such an impulsive purchase. Hmm, maybe it is part of Harriet’s strategy: play on an individual’s insecurities and defenses to get the upsell. Still: bizarre. Mary and Laura say they are glad their Ma bought the fabric. Charles pipes in that he is glad, too. Caroline is a little surprised by his revelation, but she still wants to try to take the fabric back for a refund. Charles asks her “why do you think the good Lord went to all that trouble of making you so pretty if he didn’t want you to have a new blue dress?” Aw. The daughters also provide endorsements of Ma’s good looks getting accentuated by a new dress. Caroline is a little overwhelmed with all the praise and enters into Group Hug Mode.

The next day we see Laura and Mary bounding home from school. They are really excited about something. Ma is in the henhouse, Pa is in the barn --- ooh, I almost have a folk song. Anyway, the girls are excited because the school is going to have a visitors day, which is pretty much a school open house. Mary is particularly excited about the essay assignment that goes along with the event. She would be. Laura suggests that Ma wear her new yet-to-be-made dress for the occasion. Pa tells the girls to get started on their essays and they run towards the house.

That evening Mary and Laura are hard at work on their assignment. Laura voices over that Ma and the girls were working very hard on their respective projects and that everyone was just about finished before the deadline. Was that voiceover really necessary? Mary says she is finished with her essay about Pa building the house on the prairie, encounters with wolves and Indians, and moving from that house to Plum Creek when, I presume, the wolves and Indians were becoming too much of a nuisance. Pa says that sounds interesting, then asks Laura what she wrote about. Laura stammers a bit before saying “it’s a surprise.” That’s code for “academic incomplete” if I’m not mistaken. Pa is not up on the secret language of academia, saying that the surprise will be reveled early tomorrow and that the girls should go to bed. He gives them kisses as he carries an unconscious Carrie to her bedroom. Mary goes up to the loft while Laura continues to stare at her paper. Ma checks on her daughter and asks what the problem is. “It’s not an essay,” she responds, “not like Mary’s.” Caroline says that it shouldn’t be like Mary’s since she is older and knows more words. Laura says she knows a lot of words also; she just can’t get them on paper. Caroline tells her that’s okay, but Laura is not consoled by that. She asks her Ma if she can keep a secret. When Ma agrees, Laura confides that she is scared about getting up in front of everyone to share her essay in the morning. She is worried that people are going to laugh at her. Caroline assures her daughter that people will not laugh. There’s only one way to find out.