Fight, Team, Fight 5/5

Doc Baker is bandaging up Albert in the office. We can hear the game continuing outside and Albert is getting antsy about the action he is missing. Charles tells the boy to hold still while Doc Baker says the kid is lucky that he didn't suffer a punctured lung. He goes on to say that Albert should have left the game as soon as he started hurting. Albert says that he wanted to but Ellerbee used his Svengali powers to convince the boy that all he wanted was to win. Ma and Pa share a worried glance as Doc Baker bumper stickers "winning's fine, but it ain't worth much if you're not around for the victory party." The doc then advises Albert to pay attention to pain more often as it is usually a sign that trouble is a-brewing. Once Doc Baker is finished Caroline helps her son get dressed as Charles laments the situation. Albert asks if he can watch the rest of the game but Caroline says no. Albert pleads, saying that he should still support his team even though he can't play. I agree as does Doc Baker who says that there should only be a few minutes left in the game anyway.

We see another play on the field followed by Ellerbee calling timeout. He calls his son over to tell him that there's time for two plays and...yikes! Dan has a huge bruise around his eye and blood streaked around his nose and mouth. He looks like Ziggy Startdust after a cocaine overdose. His hair is perfectly in place -- nice attention to detail there, hairdressers. Also, how did Albert not get this beat up? Anyway, Coach tells the boy stuff about laterals and running wide and Willie, but it looks like Dan is focusing all his energy on remaining upright and not swallowing his tongue. He goes back on the field, holds a brief huddle and moves on to the play. They don't get much yardage but are still within scoring range. On the last play Dan tries a rushing maneuver that doesn't resemble anything that Coach said and the game ends without a score, which means Walnut Grove lost.

The crowd stands up and applauds as Albert runs over to join his teammates. There is some chatter about how it was a good game and everybody did their best and the vibe seems really positive. That is until Ellerbee calls the team over. "No game you lose is a good game," he begins. Boooooo! "You could have won that game but you didn't want it bad enough." Oh gross, Dan's now sporting some fresh blood -- how did that even happen when there was no contact? Anyway, Ellerbee threatens to work the boys so hard and blah blah blah. The boys are disappointed and Mrs. Ellerbee looks pissed.

That night Pete is in his mancave looking at that damn scrapbook again. Mrs. Ellerbee comes in to report that Dan is asleep, which causes Pete to slam his book closed. Sleep? DAMMIT! "I would have won today if I hadn't lost that Ingalls boy," he says. There's no "I" in team, Big Rock. I loathe that saying, but you of all people should know and adhere to it. "You lost Dan today, too," says Mrs. Ellerbee. Pete dismisses that claim, saying that the boy just needs to toughen up. That's going to be a challenge given how his face must be tenderized by now. "He doesn't need a coach, he needs a father!" she replies. "Well you make a sissy out of him if you want to, I'm gonna make him a man," he returns. You are this close to me using the phrase "dead to me", Mr. Ellerbee. Not even Harriet Oleson has that distinction. Mrs. Ellerbee is just as exasperated, crying out "what does it take to make you understand?" "It's you who doesn't understand," he replies. I know you are, but what am I? She starts grabbing trophies from the shelf and asks "does this make you a man?" as she throws each one to the ground. He grabs his wife, Sandra (that would have helped earlier, show), and tells her to stop. Sandra looks her husband in the eye and says "hurting people doesn't make you a man: knowing how to love them does." Did I mention I recorded this off the Hallmark Channel? Anyway it works to sober up Pete and he calmly says that Dan doesn't have to play football anymore. He goes on to say that Dan only played because Albert was hurt. "I can make something out of that boy; he's got guts." Why don't you ask Charles to sign over the adoption papers so you can have your own little gridiron Skinner box? Sandra leaves the mancave.

The next day we hear Ellerbee yelling as we watch Albert approach the town. He walks over to the coach and they chat about the prognosis. Albert says he should be okay in a couple of weeks and Pete says that means that Albert should still get to play the last game or two of the season. Albert is all "thanks, but no thanks," saying that although he appreciated the team building aspects of the sport he is more interested in being a doctor than a patient. Ellerbee gets into asshole coach mode with the pass-agg "you mean football isn't important enough to you?" Albert says "yup, that just about sums it up. Toodles, poodles." Actually, he says that games are fun, but Ellerbee-style football is too much like work. See, that's the philosophy I like to use with my students -- if you're not having fun, you're working way too hard. Ellerbee, on the other hand, just looks completely lost as if Albert just sprouted three heads and they all spoke Portuguese. Albert wishes his former coach good luck and heads off to school. Ellerbee walks over to the team as marching music plays in the background. Willie asks where Coach is going and he says he's going home to speak with Dan.

Laura voices over that practices have since been cut in half and the team's grades improved. The team ended their season 2-6, which was an improvement over last year's 1-7. Most importantly: the team had fun.

Fight, Team, Fight 4/5

The circus marching band is headlining the pregame show as they stomp across the field. The visiting team is in green and white with giant yellow R's on the front of their shirts. Hmm, I guess they never said where this team is from, so I'm just going to call them the Riverdale Leprechauns. And running onto the field, dressed in black and white with giant red W's, the Walnut Grove wildcats. We see the event has gathered a crowd of tens. Pete, who is in his third J. Crew inspired sweater this episode, is standing by his wife who is dressed for Easter, parasol and all. She's a little freaked out by the size of the Leprechauns and asks her husband how he can send their son to certain injury. He assures her that Dan will only be a kicker and won't get pummeled. Charles gives Albert a pep talk that is actually just a reminder that if the boy feels pain he should get out of the game.

Albert and the opposing QB meet for the coin toss and Walnut Grove will be receiving. Albert is all smiles until the other QB says "I can hardly wait." I can't tell if he is being sinister or flirty. I'm guessing the former, but you never know. After some huddles the gameplay begins. Um, I'm a little out of my element here and there aren't any superimposed lines showing where first down is or anything like that, so just picture a game where Walnut Grove is getting demolished. There is one play where it looks like a wildcat runs in a big half-circle, which means that he would be going in the wrong direction at the end of the play. After the play ends, Harriet starts freaking out that Willie just got tackled (meaning I might be right about the backwards thing) but Nels tries to calm her down. They argue a bit, with Mr. Oleson reminding his wife that she bought the team uniforms. Of course she did.

Shortly after this distraction, a leprechaun scores. Coach Ellerbee is not pleased with this development. Some more plays happen and Pete is looking less and less pleased. Eventually Riverdale scores again. Then Walnut Grove fumbles the next kick-off. Yikes. Caroline is watching with about as much interest and understanding as me. Ellerbee calls for a timeout and tells Willie to fetch Albert. The coach tells Albert he isn't giving 100%, but the kid replies (while clutching his side) that he's trying but is in a lot of pain. Albert suggests that he should be taken out, but Ellerbee starts blah blah blahing about how football is meant to transcend pain. This would be the point where my friend Dan (die-hard Giants fan) would chant "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*".

Albert just looks at the coach blankly and doesn't really consent to going back onto the field, but Ellerbee sorta guides him back out there. Charles and Caroline saw that there was a conversation but assume everything is okay since Albert is going back onto the field. When Albert returns, the opposing QB tells him that Walnut Grove is playing like a bunch of girls. You kiss your mother with that mouth? Albert doesn't say anything until he gets to his team huddle where he says that Willie will run the next play. "Career-ending in-ju-ry *clap* *clap* *clap*" The next play starts and...wow. Walnut Grove scores a touchdown. Ellerbee is ecstatic as he grabs his son and throws him onto the field for the extra point. Of course, the scoring system they're using is the modern (as in 1980) system, not what would have been used in 1880. Anyway, Dan calls out the numbers, makes the kick, and scores the point. The marching band plays its approval.

More plays and after the third quarter the score is 20-14 Riverdale. On the next play, the Riverdale center totally biffs the toss and almost throws it into the crowd. All the players go after the ball, but Albert ends up at the bottom of the dog pile. He earns the possession, much to the displeasure of the opposing QB. On the next play Albert rushes the ball (big surprise) and finds himself at the bottom of another dogpile. As the players get up, we can see that the opposing QB was really putting his weight into it as he was on top of Albert. Caroline notices that her son is really hurt, but Charles assures her that Albert will get pulled. Ellerbee urges Albert to get on his feet and once the kid finally rises the crowd applauds. Charles decides to pull Albert himself. Charles calls time-out (I don't think he has that authority) and escorts his son off the field. Doc Baker takes a look at the boy and provides an instant diagnosis of at least two broken ribs. I guess his x-ray specs arrived in the mail after Albert's last office visit. Charles asks Ellerbee "what kind of man are you?" Uh, you signed off on letting Albert play, Pa.

Once the Ingalls leave, Ellerbee walks over to Dan and tells him that he will take over as QB. What? Since when does the kicker, or anyone on special teams, suddenly become QB? I guess that I should qualify what I said earlier: I'm out of my element when it comes to play-by-play, but I have a basic understanding of how the sport works. Dan seems to also have an understanding of the game as he questions his father's judgment. Coach says that Dan is the best the team has left. That's...really poor skill development on your part, Big Rock. Mrs. Ellerbee sees that her son is now on the field and proceeds to (rightfully) flip out on her husband. Pete completely dismisses her. Jerk.

Fight, Team, Fight 3/5

That evening we see the Olesons and Ingalls departing the Ellerbee house. I guess there was a dinner party and none of us were invited. Harriet is laughing about a story involving Pete running over Nels back in their college football days. Okay, that does sound kind of funny. After the couples leave, both Pete and his wife seem pretty satisfied with their evening. Mrs. Ellerbee joshes her husband about a touchdown story he told earlier. Uh oh, he doesn't respond well to gentle teasing. She doesn't pick up on this and playfully remarks that some of the details of the story seem to have grown with age. "It's just the way it happened," Pete responds sternly as he turns to go back inside the house. Mrs. Ellerbee says she was only joking and asks where his sense of humor is. First, I don't think he ever had one. Second, that question rarely lightens up the situation whenever it is asked. Case in point: Pete now believes that his wife just called him a liar. Her defense is that the game was so long ago that the details would have to be a little fuzzy, but Pete coldly says that he remembers it like it was yesterday.

Mrs. Ellerbee decides to drop the fight as her husband retrieves his scrapbook and sits at his desk to look at it once again. "This obsession of yours with football is getting a little out of control," she says. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks. Um, not a lot of verbal clutter in what she said, though I may now understand why your nickname was "Big Rock", Pete. Mrs. Ellerbee tells her husband that he treats football more like war instead of a game. Perhaps his successful business was in fast food? His response is akin to "I know you are, but what am I?", so she tries a different approach. Specifically, what is going to happen to Dan? Pete doesn't think there is a problem with his son since he is improving on the field everyday. Mrs. Ellerbee claims that he is only improving so that he can win his father's approval, despite his hatred of the sport. I think this might be a situation where both sides are correct and wrong simultaneously. Mrs. Ellerbee moves on to the conclusion of her argument: that Pete moved the family to Walnut Grove so that Dan could become BMOC and get into Rutgers to play football on a legacy scholarship. Pete starts to issue a warning to his wife, but she interrupts and warns her husband that if Dan gets pushed into doing something he has no desire or talent to do that he will grow up to resent his father. You see if it were one or the other, desire or talent, I could understand that argument. But if the kid is lacking both why would Mr. Ellerbee keep forcing the issue? Pete doesn't have a response, so he decides to retire for the evening. The scene ends with Mrs. Ellerbee looking at the Football-in-a-cup as if it was The Other Woman.

More football practice. Another kid is quarterbacking, but Albert is the one running the play. Man, these kids aren't even trying any more. One literally keels over as Albert saunters by with the ball. After the play Coach Ellerbee says things are looking better and they should run it again. The whole team groans. Willie steps forward and asks if they can take a break. "I don't understand you people," Ellerbee says. There's another phrase that does nothing but invite controversy: "you people". Try it sometime. Anyway, Coach doesn't understand why the team's stamina isn't improving. Willie explains that other commitments, specifically schoolwork, are wearing them out. Ellerbee decides to have a chat with Mrs. Wilder and tells the team they can rest. They all collapse to the ground in a slapstick sort of way. Really, show?

As Mr. Ellerbee enters the school a bunch of girls are leaving the building. Wait a minute, the boys are getting let out of school for football? Uh, I wouldn't press your luck there, Big Rock. Laura is working at her desk when Pete enters. He apologizes for disturbing her and she responds that she has only just started grading papers. "Meaning the teacher has as much homework as the students?" he asks. I think he thinks that he is being cordial but it's coming off really condescending. Laura replies that she actually has more work (lesson plans, school board items, pompous coaches). Mr. Ellerbee commends Laura, again in a cordial/condescending sort of way. He brings up the subject of the football team's preparation for the weekend's big game. Laura says she's aware, but has a distinctly bored tone in her voice. Pete proposes that Laura cuts down on the boys' homework so that they can get a bit more rest before the game. Laura responds by suggesting that the boys cut down on their football practice so that they have enough energy to finish their homework assignments. Coach chuckles before saying, "for what they're facing on Saturday, they couldn't get enough practice." Laura says that's fine since their grades are reaching a point of no return. Pete can't believe Laura would fail his team, but she corrects him that the team would be the ones doing the failing. Laura isn't giving in and Ellerbee starts pouting that she isn't sympathetic to his problem.

After Coach storms out of the school he stomps towards the field and tells the boys to get on their feet. Albert is reading his history text and Ellerbee yanks the book out of his hands. "Not during football practice," he orders. Albert joins his teammates as Charles walks up to check with Pete on how the team is doing. We hear more lotto numbers as Albert does yet another rushing play. The opposition has finally gotten wise to this strategy and tackle Albert -- hard. One of the players calls over to the adults saying that Albert is injured.

Doc Baker examines Albert in his office and determines that there are no broken ribs. Albert interprets this as a clean bill of health, but the Doc says that he may have a fracture. Charles doesn't want to take any chances. Albert says he is fine and Ellerbee says the team needs Albert if they want any chance of winning on Saturday. Pa still refuses, causing Ellerbee to suggest that Doc Baker tapes up the boy. The Doc is okay with this solution and Ellerbee assures Charles that he'll pull Albert out if he starts to feel pain. "It's against my better judgment," Charles says before he okays the procedure. Oh Charles, when has your better judgment ever steered you wrong?

We see Pa and Albert return to the homestead. Charles asks if Albert is still able to do his chores and the kid says he is. Albert walks over to the barn to move a sack of feed. Albert tries but is in excruciating pain. Well, he should be, though the acting is a bit understated. I was in a car accident a few years ago where my sternum was bruised by the seat belt. I tried to go to work that evening and I got a harsh lesson in human anatomy. You have no idea how much all those interconnected bones, muscles, and tissues can hurt until you try to move an object similar to a lawn chair when you have a bruised sternum. That sack of grain should have caused Albert to vomit in pain.

Fight, Team, Fight 2/5

That night at dinner, Pete reports that the first game is against last year's champions. Pete is cautiously optimistic, pointing out that the Walnut Grove team needs to boost their spirits if they want to do well. He thinks a good game against the champs will probably do the trick. Dan is so over this already. Pete tells his son to speak up about what is bothering him. Dan asks "You sure?" I think the kid was referring to the concept of being allowed to speak up, but Pete interprets it as a question of the potential spirit raise. Dan decides to follow his dad's train of thought and says that Albert is the only good player on the team and many of the players are bad, particularly Willie (HA!). Pete agrees that some individuals need to improve, but that the team is in decent shape. Dan goes on to say that many of his teammates aren't as good as he is, which Pete turns around by saying that Dan has improved and the others just aren't up to his standards. Mom perks up at this praise as does Dan. Pete tells his son that he is gaining confidence and Dan smiles.

Dan excuses himself from dinner to go to bed. Pete reminds Dan not to be late for practice and mom laughs. Once the son is gone, mom tells Pete that it was nice of him to compliment Dan. He says he hopes he didn't overdo it, but mom assures him that these moments of approval are oh so vital. "Well if he deserves it he'll get it: Simple as that," Pete says. Mom bristles at that, so she segues into a concern about how tired her son has been lately. Pete tells her that all the boys are tired and it is part of his toughening up process.

Over at the homestead, Charles is driving nails into a plank of wood. Albert is coming home from practice and looks pretty roughed up. Pa reminds him to take care of some sacks of feed on the wagon and Albert assures him that he'll get to it. Charles notices how beat up Albert is and the boy says that he is a bit overwhelmed with football, school and chores. Albert confides that he liked it better when Mr. Oleson was coaching because it was more about having fun instead of work. Charles asks why Albert is sticking with it and he replies that he can't let the team down. Charles is kind of blase about this sentiment, but is nice enough to say that he'll take care of the feed sacks so Albert won't have to.

Laura is at home grading papers and is getting pretty flustered. "Every single member of that football team is gonna fail," she calls out to her husband. Almanzo asks if she has spoken with them, and she says they all have the same excuse: too tired from football practice. She says she doesn't know what she is going to do if this keeps up.

The next day at practice we see an improved punt return. Albert is looking extremely roughed up -- even Willie is showing concern. No time for that though, as Ellerbee yells at Albert from the line of scrimmage to hustle. "No, Willie, I'm not all right," Albert grumbles as he walks over to his coach. He's so over football at this point and tells Ellerbee that he wants off the team. As the team reacts to the news, Coach Ellerbee asks for an explanation. Albert responds that he doesn't have time for anything else like school or chores and he isn't really a fan of getting pummeled daily without a really, really good reason. "If you don't know why you wanna play football, why play it?" Asks Ellerbee. So, we're in agreement? No, I guess not, because the coach turns it into a passive-aggressive guilt trip about how the other boys want to be courageous and blah, blah, blah. Once the coach is finished with his tautology, he dismisses the boy and moves on to the next drill. Albert thinks about it for a minute and runs over to Ellerbee again. After a couple of rounds of the silent treatment, Albert capitulates and is let back on the team. Sorry for the cliffs notes version of the events, but I really can't stand listening to Zen and the Art of Pass Interference crap and I'm not all that interested in writing it down. After a few more lottery numbers, we see Albert perform another rushing play that pleases Ellerbee.

Fight, Team, Fight 1/5

Generic marching band music plays in the background as we see someone looking through old newspaper clippings about football. The name Ellerbee keeps popping up, so I think it is safe to assume that he is the one who is reminiscing. One headline reads "'Big Rock' Crushes Princeton Defense" and above it is either an artist rendering of the event or a captionless "Far Side" comic. If it's the latter, it isn't very funny. The camera moves so that we see over Ellerbee's shoulder. A voice off camera says "Pete, it's getting late," so the man closes the album and rises from his seat. He walks over to a shelf and replaces the album. On top of the shelf is a trophy with a football resting in its cup. Pete grabs the football in such a way that for a second I think he is about to start making out with it. Ick, he licked his lips!

Before things get hot and heavy, Pete exits the room and joins his wife and son at the breakfast table. He mentions that he likes the study in this house better than the one in Boston. The son, Dan, finishes scribbling on a piece of paper and shows it to his mom. It's a decent drawing of a horse and Mrs. Ellerbee praises it. She hands the drawing to her husband saying, "our son has quite a talent." Pete puts down his coffee and replies, "too bad it doesn't extend to football." Alright then, guess we can check "exposition" off the to-do list. The parents have a passive-aggressive back-and-forth that pretty much boils down to "Daddy Issues". Oy, I'm recapping this through YouTube and the syndicated version was kind enough to bypass this. Anyway, Pete believes that moving back to Minnesota might help the boy "toughen up". I hope that wasn't your only reason for moving a thousand miles in the 1870's, particularly moving from bustling Boston to ho-hum Hero Township. Mrs. Ellerbee looks a bit sad as she watches this entire interaction between the males.

Meanwhile at the line of scrimmage, Albert is calling out tonight's lottery numbers as he waits for Willie to hike the ball. Albert takes the ball and runs into the resulting scrum. He then kind of rolls along the side of the commotion. It's weird to watch because there's a lot of people pushing against one another but no one trying to knock other people down. It's like one side is getting off a train while the other side is getting on. Ha, somehow Willie got trampled -- that's just sad. Albert is able to run the ball into the end zone as Nels, Pete and Dan watch from the sidelines. Pete says Albert has some potential and Nels agrees. Mr. Oleson calls Albert over to introduce him to the new people. For whatever reason Dan is wearing an ill-fitting cardigan along with ill-fitting pants -- it's really distracting. Mr. Ellerbee congratulates Albert on his last play before Nels introduces Dan. He mentions that Dan used to play football so Albert invites him to join the game. The boys run off just as Harriet starts screeching for Nels to join her at the school board meeting. Mr. Ellerbee follows Nels to the meeting.

We join in mid-meeting as Nels reports that new textbooks will be ordered soon. Wow, this is a well-attended meeting. There must be...eleven people here. Of course the only ones I recognize are Ellerbee, the Olesons and Charles. Laura's there too, but that's because school is about to resume once the meeting is over. The last item on the agenda is Mr. Oleson introducing Mr. Ellerbee. He shares a story about how "Big Rock" made Rutgers a powerhouse team while Nels quivered on Princeton's third string. Wait a minute, Nels went to Princeton? Why did he come back to Walnut Grove? I guess the writers wanted to establish some historical foundation since the first recorded football game was between Rutgers and Princeton. Ooo! Anachronism! Princeton was "The College of New Jersey" until 1896. Um, anyway, Nels finishes his anecdote and leads the crowd in a round of applause. Pete stands and tells the assembly that he decided to move back after retiring from a successful business. He thanks Nels for the kind words and then goes into a soliloquy about football. "Football is more than just a game: it's something that shapes a man's character and builds his confidence. Maybe no more than other life experiences but certainly among the very best." Eh. He then goes on to volunteer his services as a football coach. Everyone is floored by this. I'm just confused: who are they going to play? Isn't Sleepy Eye a day's journey away? Nels is more than happy to pass on the coaching duties and leads the group once again in a round of applause. "On to victory!" Ellerbee awkwardly says as you can see the air inflating his head. Oh dear.

Full disclosure time. If you can't tell by now, I'm not much of a football fan. My alma mater, Oberlin College, has an interesting football history. John Heisman, who the trophy is named after, was the coach at Oberlin in 1892 and 1894. The school is also the last Ohio school to beat Ohio State in a football game (way back in the early 1921). Then things went downhill. We had the longest losing streak in the country that spanned several years. At some point we won a game and immediately followed it with a new, longer losing streak that didn't end until my freshman year (including a game where we played against Swarthmore who also had an endless losing streak). The team has had a handful of wins each season since, but you won't be seeing us in any championships any time soon. However, I have been a coach for the last four years -- though my sport is bowling. Anyway, this isn't about me, so let's get back to the story.

Time for the first official practice under Coach Ellerbee. The boys are sitting on the ground in a line as Ellerbee walks in front of them giving a speech. "I can't promise you a championship what I can promise you is to teach you how to win and that's the hardest grueling work you'll ever know if you've got it in you you can become a winner but only if winning becomes the most important thing in your life that's right I said THE most important you have to become totally dedicated totally committed and totally fit if any of you can't handle that you can leave right now." (Willie does not stand up -- I lose that bet.) One of the challenges I have as a coach is giving speeches like this. First of all, I like punctuation so I think I lose a lot of the emphasis by insisting on using periods and commas. Also, maybe it is my own philosophy getting in the way, but I don't necessarily believe that you can teach someone how to win. I think you can teach someone how to set goals and how to frame what you consider a win, but a number of those outcomes involve factors that the athlete has no control over. Anyway, Ellerbee asks if the boys want to be winners and he keeps asking until he gets what he considers to be an appropriately enthusiastic "yes". It reminds me of what I wanted to do at our last bowling tournament this season. At the trophy presentation at this year's Super Bowl, Pittsburgh's coach shouted "STEELERS FOOTBALL IS SIXTY MINUTES!" I really wanted to crib that and say to my team "OBERLIN BOWLING IS TEN FRAMES!" but I honestly think I would have lost all the credibility I have built up these past few years.

Once Ellerbee gets an appropriate response, he starts the team on drills. Montage! Running! Propping up Albert's ego! A makeshift version of those things football players push around! Blocking! Punt returns! Woo! Ellerbee wasn't too satisfied with that last one. After he blows his whistle at the end of the play, he runs over to Dan and grabs him by the arms. I thought he was about to go all Bobby Knight on his son, but Pete just gets in Dan's face to tell him he is kicking the ball too low. Dan apologizes, but Pete isn't finished. "Do you think because you're an Ellerbee makes you special? You're wrong: it does. It means you have to work twice as hard as everybody else." Man, what a shitty proposition. Dan actually has to think about his response before he goes with the correct "Yes, sir." Ellerbee sends his son back into play. Albert, who was watching, seems really disappointed with what just transpired.

I'll Be Waving as You Drive Away 6/10

Wow, this episode opens up right away with dialogue. Doctor Burke is reiterating that Mary is going to go blind. Then Mary freaks out and starts screaming about the darkness. That was fast. Almost immediately Mary calms down, sits in the rocker downstairs and has to listen to her Ma tell her that she is getting shipped off to Iowa to go to a school for the blind. Despite the choppy editing so far, all this action seems eerily familiar, like I've seen it before.

We now see a wagon approaching what looks like a school. Pa and Mary are passengers in the wagon and disembark once they reach their destination. Before heading inside, Pa tells the driver that he will need to return to the train station to catch a four o'clock train. Inside the school, the headmaster invites Pa from the lobby to finish up the paperwork. Mary just stays in her seat and tries to get absorbed into the background. A few moments later, a male voice from off screen calls out "I'm looking for a Mary Ingalls." Mary takes a moment before declaring herself Mary Ingalls. The man introduces himself as Adam Kendall AKA Mary's new teacher. He also says that he is there to escort Mary to her room. That doesn't sound sketchy.

The headmaster and Charles head upstairs to check out Mary's room. Before going in, the headmaster tells Pa to keep things brief. Pa was hoping to spend the afternoon with Mary, particularly since his train doesn't leave for a few hours. The headmaster poo poos this, saying that the longer the goodbyes get drawn out, the more painful it will be for everyone involved. The headmaster opens the door and we can see the reflection of Adam and Mary in the mirror. There doesn't appear to be any hanky panky going on, but having the door closed seems entirely inappropriate. The headmaster gets Adam out of the room then starts the clock on Charles' goodbye. Pa breaks the ice by saying the room looks nice, but Mary's response is more "oh! Pa is here!" Before she gets too excited, Pa lies and tells her that he was able to catch an earlier train. Dude, that's cold. Granted, telling Mary you have to leave because the school told you to would make your last moments together turn into a negotiation session, but this lie makes it seem like you couldn't get away from your handicapped daughter fast enough. Boo! Mary is about as unimpressed as I am and when she and her father hug she begs him not to leave her there. Pa just says "I love you", pries Mary off his torso and scoots out the door. The headmaster only told you to be brief, Charles, not be an asshole. After Charles goes down the stairs, the headmaster tells Adam "school begins."

Adam knocks on Mary's door before barging in. He tells Mary that her bag is on the bed and she can have some down time to rest and unpack. "Unpack?" Mary asks, horrified. "I...can't." Adam is not phased by this and tells her she has to. Adam tells Mary that supper is at six and then departs. Mary stands there for a moment, then tries to feel her way through the room. Mary slowly works her way around the bed until she gets her bag in her hand. She then turns around and gropes, er, blindly for the dresser. Mary feels around the surface of the dresser so she can set her bag down and then starts to feel the mirror, which must be there strictly for dramatic effect. This school thought of everything. Mary and her reflection burst into tears.

I'll Be Waving as You Drive Away 3/10

Night has fallen and Charles is out in the barn sanding a piece of wood (not a euphemism). Caroline walks in and says she wanted to come out and be lazy with her husband. He claims he is refinishing a cupboard door, but Caroline busts him saying the door doesn't need refinishing. Charles stops and mumbles "It's been three weeks -- she's getting worse, isn't she?" Caroline sighs and affirms.

We then hear some glass breaking and Laura screaming "Fire!" Charles and Caroline run into the house where one of the chairs is up in flames. Pa tells Ma to get a blanket, tells Laura not to throw water on the blaze and then grabs the chair and takes it out the front door. Caroline smothers the fire with the blanket as all three Ingalls girls stand by watching silently. Once the fire is out, Mary apologizes and Pa says there was no harm done. He asks what happened and Mary says she was trying to read but it was so dark that she went to get another lamp and she dropped it. You know, Mary is a bit of a fire bug. Caroline is comprehending the gravity of what is happening to her daughter, but she tries to play it off as Mary overworking herself. She offers Mary a cool cloth to help rest her eyes, but Mary decides to go to bed instead. Pa is listening and looks miserable. Wait a minute -- I don't think they've told Mary yet. Dude, it's been three weeks! Mary apologizes again before heading up to the loft. Caroline asks Laura to get a mop, but Half-Pint is not amused. "Me again? Mary gets to do anything she wants and I have to do all the work?" Sorry Laura: Mary's raw deal outweighs your raw deal. Charles yells at Laura to get the mop and she runs out of the house to retrieve it. Caroline sends Carrie to bed before rejoining Charles at the back window. He decides that they need to tell Mary the truth. Ya think? Caroline offers to do it, but Charles decides that he'll do it tomorrow.

Charles decides to head over to the church for some contemplation. It must be Saturday since Reverend Alden is there setting up the room for services the following morning. The Reverend takes a seat next to Charles and informs him that Doc Baker told him what is going on. I haven't really touched on this yet, but Doc Baker rarely takes patient privilege into account, like, ever. It's not like he blabs the news all over town, but even passing the news on to someone who also has a privilege relationship (religious privilege in this case) is still a breach. Charles doesn't seem as concerned about this as I am as he just sits there while the Reverend offers help. Charles asks "why doesn't God listen?" The Reverend replies that God always answers prayers, just not the way that we would want them answered. In other words, all of the operators are with other customers at the moment and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. I would not want to work at that switchboard. Anyway, the Reverend assures Charles that God has the best intentions with what he is doing, though Charles can't understand why taking away the sight of a fifteen-year-old seems like a good idea. Reverend Alden believes that Mary was chosen for some special purpose. Charles says he has to tell his daughter that she is going blind and that an undefined "special purpose" is not the most effective spin on the situation. The Reverend takes several moments to think about it, but Charles gets up and leaves before he can respond.

The next day, Mary is sitting by a stream reading a book with her reading glass. Ah yes, using a magnifying glass on a book when the sun is beaming down on you. Fire bug. Charles takes a seat next to his daughter and she puts the glass and book down before any of the pages begin to smolder. Mary notices that something is bothering her Pa and she asks if he is worried about the railroad strike. They talk a bit about the economic meltdown of Hero Township, but it becomes clear to Mary that her Pa is bothered about something else. Charles' voice starts to waver as he explains what the scarlet fever did to Mary's eyes. She asks if things will get better, but he finally breaks it to his daughter that she will eventually go blind. It should come as no surprise that Mary does not take the news well. I think the scarlet fever may have affected her tear ducts as well because her crying is really not all that convincing. Eventually Mary runs off as Pa absorbs what just happened.

I'll Be Waving as You Drive Away 2/10

The next morning, Charles arrives at the mill where Jonathan and Mr. Hanson seem a little despondent. Charles asks what the problem is and Mr. Hanson reports that the railroads are starting a war with the grangers. The trains are refusing to carry grain and not making any stops in Hero Township, which is bad news if you run a feed and seed business. Or a mercantile. Or a...well, I guess that's all the industry in Walnut Grove at this point. "You can't beat the railroads unless they want you to beat 'em," Mr. Hanson says in disgust. I think that was the third place entry in the Trustbuster Slogan contest, right after "Give 'em Hell, Tarbell" and "Colbert".

After dinner at the homestead, Charles is pacing while reading the newspaper. He rehashes the story for Caroline who asks if what the railroad is doing is legal. Charles gives the most accurate answer: "Legal or not, they're doing it." He says the grange is going to sue the railroad, which kicks Caroline's optimism into high gear. As they chat, Mary is trying to read a book with her nose about two inches from the table. Charles pushes the lamp towards her, but it doesn't help all that much. After Ma and Pa finish their conversation, he notices that Mary is still struggling with the book. She blames her trouble on shadows on the pages. Caroline asks if those are the new glasses and Mary says they are but not much better than her old ones. Charles says he thought they were okay and Mary says they were...at first. Caroline rolls her eyes that a new prescription would be that far off, but Charles says that Mary can go back to the eye doctor and get this resolved. A baby starts crying and Caroline goes to check on it.

At Doctor Burke's office, the eye doctor is taking an even closer look at Mary's eyes. He casually mentions that he had a sore throat last week, so it is a good thing Mary didn't come in. I didn't realize awkward conversation during an eye exam was a time-honored tradition. He clears his throat a couple of times as he looks at Mary's file. He asks if she has had any bad illnesses recently. "I had an operation once," she replies. "It was awful. Worse than when I had scarlet fever." This causes the doctor to perk up. Apparently the scarlet fever didn't make it onto the chart. Mary Ingalls sucks at providing thorough medical histories. She asks about her eyes and Doctor Burke hems and haws a bit before asking Mary to fetch her Pa.

Mary waits in the lobby as Charles enters the office. He takes a seat as Burke semi-admonishes Charles about holding back on the scarlet fever info. The doctor asks how bad it was and Pa is like "uh, scarlet-y? How bad does it have to be?" Burke informs Charles that the fever damaged Mary's nerves in the eye to the point that they won't recover. In fact, Mary is going blind. Charles is understandably stunned by the news. The doc also informs Pa that there is no treatment or medicine available. Charles tries to cling to some form of hope that something can be done, but Burke says it will have to be a miracle and he is fresh out of them. With hope no longer an option, Charles begins to cling to denial. He proposes that it is just extreme eye strain, but Burke shoots him down saying that rest may only delay the inevitable. Charles starts to sob as Burke continues to explain the reality of the situation. The doctor then heads to the desk to retrieve a reading glass that might be useful for the time being.

After Charles composes himself, he tells the doctor "you're wrong" and heads out the door. He paints a smile on his face as he rejoins his daughter. Mary asks what the doctor said and Charles replies "nothing important." Uh, there are times when it is okay to tell your kid a little white lie but I really don't think impending blindness qualifies as one of them. She asks about new glasses and Pa tries to sell her on the reading glass. Mary looks a little baffled at this solution. Meanwhile, Doctor Burke walks into frame and I'm waiting for him to admonish Charles for not being at all truthful in this conversation. Charles and Mary leave before the doctor can say anything.

My Ellen 5/5

The next day Mrs. Taylor has decided to do some shopping at the Mercantile. Harriet starts to offer her condolences, but Mama Taylor cuts her off with cheerfulness. She asks for some candles and Harriet goes to retrieve them. As she grabs some table candles, Heloise corrects her and asks for twelve birthday candles. Harriet looks confused at first but eventually fulfills the request. Heloise then notices a doll on the counter and remarks on its beauty and that it must be expensive. Harriet agrees and tells her that it’s $4. Heloise decides to buy it, remarking that “they’re only little girls for such a short time, it can’t hurt to spoil them some.” Harriet just stands there absorbing everything like some gobsmacked sponge until Heloise asks for the total. Harriet completes the transaction with a concerned look on her face.

The search party has reassembled back at the Busby ranch. As they walk around Mr. Garvey hears a rustling sound. Cal thinks it must be birds, but Garvey suspects it is something else. He looks over at a tree, calls out for Busby, and the guy who was reading the book jumps out of the tree. Busby starts to run and most of the posse chase after him. Cal decides to run along the ridge going around the other side of the house and draws a bead on Busby. He fires and Busby is down. When the posse catches up to the man, they notice that the wound looks pretty bad and take him to Doc Baker.

At the Doc’s office, Busby is patched up but not really in any condition to talk. However, it appears that he was of diminished capacity before getting shot in the head, so there’s no telling how lucid he’s going to be now. Charles asks the man where Laura is, but Busby is virtually non-responsive. Charles tells him “nobody is going to hurt you” so long as he tells him where Laura is. Busby doesn’t answer, probably because he is using all of his strength to not die, and Charles grabs him and starts to shake him. Garvey stops him before he hurts Busby and then shows Mr. Ingalls how to play Good Cop/Bad Cop. He calmly and quietly asks Busby where he found the book and flowers. Busby mumbles something that after viewing five times with headphones on I still can’t make out. I think the gist is “I dunno.” Garvey tries to goad the answer from Busby by promising that no one is going to hurt him. Seeing as it has only been thirty seconds since Charles made the same promise and instantly reneged, I don’t see that as an effective tactic. Busby glances over at Charles and says “That’s...not...true.” Ha! “I just wanted...to look...at...the pictures.” He starts to sob a little, most likely overwhelmed by the situation and then loses consciousness. Doc Baker declares him too weak from blood loss.

Charles stands in place for a moment, contemplating his next move. Cal, meanwhile, looks at the ground, probably thinking that he should have just stayed home and did some laundry or something. “If he dies I’ll never find my daughter,” Charles says quietly to Cal. When Cal doesn’t offer a response, Charles grabs him by the shirt collar and looks ready to pummel him. Garvey stops the physical part of the altercation, but Charles asks Cal why he shot Busby. Cal just says “I’m sorry.”

At this moment Harriet barges in looking for Mr. Taylor. Doc Baker yells out “Not now, Mrs. Oleson,” probably because there’s enough dramarama happening in his office without her getting involved. Harriet apologizes for the intrusion, but goes on to describe the bizarre transaction that just took place with Heloise. “She was so strange,” she says, “she said that Ellen brought her some flowers yesterday.” This catches everyone’s attention.

Down in the root cellar, Mama Taylor is lighting the candles on a tasty looking cake. Wait; there are only ten candles, maybe eleven, on that cake. There certainly aren’t twelve. After she lights the last candle, Mama Taylor tells Laura Ellen to make a wish before she blows out the candles. Laura thinks for a moment and then suggests that if they both close their eyes they will both get a wish. Heloise politely refuses, saying that it’s Laura Ellen’s birthday, but Laura replies, “I want you to have a wish too...mama.” I think Laura could have an excellent career in psychology, if only modern psychology wasn’t twenty-five years away from being established. Heloise thinks about this, has another Ellen hallucination and decides to make a wish. Once Mama Taylor closes her eyes to think of her wish, Laura makes a run for it. Run, Laura, run!

Once outside, Laura makes a dash for the hilly wooden area but keeps losing her footing. Mama Taylor eventually catches up with her in a spot marked by a little wooden cross. Oh, jeez, they’re at Ellen’s grave. Really, show? Laura’s had enough of Mama Taylor’s dementia and keeps saying she’s Laura. Heloise is still immersed in the denial phase and keeps screaming “No!” After two or three rounds of this, Laura screams out “Ellen’s dead!” This catches Mama Taylor’s attention. Laura points out that they are at Ellen’s grave and it finally sinks in for Heloise. She realizes what mistakes she has made and hugs Laura. Laura reminds her that God can help her if she just gives him a chance. Here are a few hints for Heloise: don’t throw Bibles at people of the cloth and don’t try to assimilate other people’s children. That’ll probably move you through God’s queue a little faster.

As Mama Taylor contemplates the universe a bit at the grave, we can hear a wagon driving by. Laura looks over and notices that it is the search party, including her Pa. She runs over to the wagon and rejoins her father. She says she is fine and that Mrs. Taylor is okay and by the grave. Cal walks over to join his wife in the final phase: acceptance.

Later on we see Laura cutting through the Busby fence with a big smile on her face. She runs over to the shack to check in with Mr. Busby. She hands him the book for him to keep. I guess he was the Boo Radley of Walnut Grove. Or maybe Lenny without the rabbits. Either way, Laura says she wants to be his friend and he seems to appreciate it. Aww.

My Ellen 4/5

Mary is running from the school over to the mill. Pa asks why she isn’t at school and Mary says Miss Beadle let her go to try to find where Laura might be. She recaps her last encounter with Laura and that she was last seen cutting across the Busby place. Pa and Mr. Garvey share a worried glance. Aside from a couple of peeping Tom kids, what’s the big deal with the Busby place, anyway? Pa says Laura knows better than that and Mr. Garvey suggests that maybe Laura is still visiting with Mrs. Taylor. Pa sends Mary back to school and he and Jonathan go to the Taylor homestead to check things out.

Mama Taylor peeks through the window and sees Garvey’s wagon approaching. Surprisingly, this scene is filmed like an episode of Cops. Charles calls from the wagon asking if Laura has stopped by to visit. Heloise lies and says Laura hasn’t been there. Charles accepts this and decides to move on to the Busby place. Oh good, maybe now we’ll see what the problem is there.

We see Ellen’s slate and the flowers on the ground and a guy squatting nearby reading The House That Jack Built. The guy looks to be in his thirties, but given how riveted he is by the book he may not necessarily be functioning as a thirty-something. He sees the wagon approaching and decides to run and hide. Charles and Mr. Garvey hop off the wagon and run up to the nearby shack, barging in the front door calling out for Busby. Charles frantically says he is going to check out the creek while Jonathan calmly says he’ll keep watch near the shack. He speculates that Laura might already be back at school. That is until he spots the flowers and slate on the ground. Charles checks out the items and determines that they are Laura’s.

Back at the Taylor house, Heloise climbs down to the cellar and hands Laura a dress. “Put this on,” she requests. Laura asks to be let go but Heloise repeats her request. Laura takes the dress (or else she gets the hose again) and starts to change clothes. Mama Taylor starts walking around and talking about how much she loved the root cellar when she was a child. She lights a lantern as she recalls having wonderful dreams when she slept in the root cellar. She turns to look at Laura and asks her to come into the light. Out walks a blonde child and for a minute I thought she gave Laura a Hannah Montana wig along with the dress. No, it’s just another hallucination. Or is it a delusion? Either way: tres creepy. Back in reality, Laura is just sort of standing there uncertain of what to do next as Heloise walks over and starts petting Laura’s head. Mama Taylor then takes Laura’s pigtails and unravels the braids. “Oh Ellen, my beautiful Ellen.” Laura tries to correct Mrs. Taylor, but the crazy lady tells her “No, say ‘I love you, Mama.’” Laura just looks at her, so Mama Taylor repeats her instructions. Remember Furby? Laura sort of looks like one with her hair down and this scene is exactly like trying to teach your Furby how to talk, crazy eyes and all. After a beat, Laura stammers out “I love you, Mama,” and gets a big hug from Heloise. She makes Laura Ellen promise to never leave her. This would be the “Stockholm Syndrome” phase of the grief process.

Back in town, Charles and Mr. Garvey have organized a search party at the Mercantile. As the posse heads out, Cal Taylor walks up to Mr. Garvey and Nels and offers his assistance. Mr. Taylor brought a rifle with him and Mr. Garvey says that won’t be necessary. “Maybe, maybe not,” says Cal. “All I know is my daughter drowned. A good swimmer, but she drowned.” So the gun would have kept her from drowning? I’m not following his logic. The posse ends up combing the Busby land but they’re having no luck. Charles suggests getting lanterns since dusk is approaching, but Mr. Garvey is fairly sure that nighttime searching won’t bring about results. He tells Charles to go home and they can resume the search in the morning. Charles reluctantly agrees and ends up hitching a ride with Cal. Before they depart, Cal reminds Charles that he knows how he must feel but at least Mr. Ingalls has hope. He also says that Ellen’s twelfth birthday would be tomorrow. You know what sucks about grief duels? No one wins.

Night has fallen by the time Charles gets back to the homestead. Caroline opens the door for him and the two hug as Mary watches from the doorway. Cal watches this play out and he looks a bit sadder when he alerts the houses to get a move on.

My Ellen 3/5

At the mill, Charles and Mr. Garvey are making some repairs on the water wheel. Jonathan is sitting inside the wheel working on some internal repairs while Charles is fixing something on the top. Charles says he’s ready and heads over to the reservoir. At first Mr. Garvey was ready, but before he leaves the wheel he sees another repair he needs to make. He tells Charles to hold up a second, but Charles doesn’t hear him. Charles pulls the blocker out of the reservoir and water starts heading down the aqueduct. The wheel starts to turn with Jonathan inside. Luckily it is a simple wheel-and-axle setup, so Mr. Garvey only gets flipped upside down instead of ground into bits. He still cries out as if he’s getting ground to bits. I guess Jonathan isn’t a spinning ride kind of guy. Charles doesn’t notice anything wrong until he is practically standing next to the wheel, but once he notices the problem he runs up to the reservoir to block the water again. Charles runs back down to check on Garvey, who says he hasn’t been that dizzy since the Sleepy Eye Juggler contest. That...makes no sense. Anyway, Charles asks again if Garvey is alright and he replies that he is going to get a sarsaparilla and have a sit-down. Once he leaves, Charles cracks up. This better be important later – I hate writing “sarsaparilla” in vain.

Later on, Charles loads up a wagon with sacks of something and the customer drives off. Reverend Alden stops by and tells Charles that he stopped by the Taylor place this morning. Wait, are we time traveling now? Alden says that Heloise still doesn’t want to talk to him or her husband, so there's no continuity issue. Anyway, Charles is surprised that Cal is getting the silent treatment, and the Reverend informs him that she blames her husband for Ellen’s death also. Alden says that there is no rational reason for any of these accusations and that Heloise is a woman on the verge. His suggestion: Send Caroline over to chat with the bereaved. No good could possibly come of that. His reasoning is that sometimes a woman’s understanding is far more helpful than a preacher saying “be strong.” So...no women in the clergy because of the competition? Charles agrees that this might help and says he’ll ride home right away and ask Caroline.

It looks like Caroline agreed since we now see her walking over to the Taylor house. Cal is outside loading the wagon. She greets Mr. Taylor and explains the reason for her visit. He warns her that she’ll probably be wasting her time. I do love it when the tertiary characters are the smartest ones in the room. It turns out the reason he is loading the wagon is because Heloise asked him to leave. I’m guessing it was more like “demanded”, but it’s the same result either way. Caroline grimly nods and he goes on to say that he’s tired of the fighting and he too needs time to grieve. He mounts the wagon and tells Caroline that he’ll be at his cousin Clay’s if Heloise wants him for any reason.

After Cal rides away, Caroline knocks on the front door. “I told you to go and not come in,” Heloise says. I assume she is mistaking Caroline for Cal, but I’m not 100% positive. Caroline announces herself and says she was hoping they could talk. “Go home to your family,” Heloise says, “take care of your children; you’re not welcome here.” Caroline leaves dejected.

The girls are walking by the same fenced area as that fateful Friday. Carrie is slowing the girls down and Mary tells her to hurry up. Carrie says she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t have a present. “We’ll tell Miss Beadle it’s from both of us,” Mary says. Are they going to school or a birthday party? Laura calls “No Fair” on this since she has flowers and the other two have a “real gift”. Mary decides to say the gift is from all three girls, but then Carrie calls “NO FAIR” because they’re back to the 3:2 present ratio. Oy. Laura comes up with the compromise that they’ll give the gift to Miss Beadle and she’ll give the flowers to Mrs. Taylor. Mary reminds her sister that Mrs. Taylor still isn’t very social yet, but Laura says she’ll leave them at the doorstep then. Laura decides to take the shortcut through the Busby land, even though Pa said not to go that way.

Laura reaches the Taylor house without any trouble and knocks on the door. There’s no response, so she knocks again. Somehow her gentle rapping causes the door to swing all the way open. She walks in while calling out for Mrs. Taylor. Laura looks straight ahead the whole time and doesn’t notice Mrs. Taylor standing in the doorway to Ellen’s bedroom. Heloise asks Laura what she wants and Laura offers her the flowers. Mrs. Taylor slowly walks over, takes the flowers and holds them the way one would hold a newborn baby. Laura watches this, cautiously, as Heloise muses on how Ellen always brought her flowers. Heloise looks over at Laura and smiles. Laura has been replaced with a soft focus version of Ellen. Uh oh.

The smile quickly vanishes and Mrs. Taylor says she’ll put the flowers in water. Laura is unsure of what to do and notices Ellen’s school supplies sitting on the table. Heloise explains that she got the supplies ready out of habit and then begins to ask “why? Why did it happen?” Oh good, we’ve progressed to the bargaining phase. “She was such a good girl,” starts Heloise who turns around and sees Ellen once more. Ellen is wearing Laura’s outfit, which I hope was not a regular occurrence because Ellen doesn’t really mesh with Laura’s aesthetic. She gives the kid a once over, but when given a second over she reverts back to Laura.

Laura gets sufficiently weirded out by this display and says she needs to go to school. Heloise asks Laura for a favor before she goes. She says she’s gotten her appetite back and was wondering if Laura could fetch some apples from the root cellar. Laura agrees, not fully comprehending the crazy in Heloise’s eyes. As soon as Laura is in the cellar and heading to the corner for the apples, Mama Taylor pulls up the ladder and shuts the door on Laura. Heloise grabs the flowers and Ellen’s belongings and walks out the door. It looks like she pulled the table over the cellar door as well. The scene ends with a close-up of a photo of Ellen, which will probably end up here at some point.

My Ellen 2/5

After the funeral, Mr. Taylor guides his wife to their bedroom. Is that the Travelocity Gnome on their night table? Cal sits his wife down on the bed and offers to make her some tea. Reverend Alden walks in and offers a highlighted bible to comfort Mama Taylor. Mama Taylor is rather unresponsive, so the Reverend puts the book on her dresser. Before he leaves, she lets him know that she prayed for a miracle – specifically, that God raise her daughter from the dead. “He’s done greater things than that,” she claims. The Reverend starts to caution her, but she tells him not to tell her not to question the ways of God. Mama Taylor stands by the window and declares that God doesn’t care about her or Ellen. She tells the Reverend not to come by their house anymore. Mr. Taylor comes in to see what’s going on. Reverend Alden respects her request and starts to take his leave. “And take your damn book with you!” she screams as she throws the Bible at the Reverend. See if God does you any favors now, Mama Taylor.

The Ingalls family is riding back from the funeral. Laura is sitting in the very back of the wagon and looks to be still devastated by what Mama Taylor said to her. She hops off the wagon and slowly walks into the barn. Pa follows to console his crying daughter. He explains that people sometimes over react when they are mourning, which Laura acknowledges. He tells Laura that it wasn’t her fault but she says that swimming was her idea. Pa tells her that people can’t predict the future and sometimes things just happen. They hug, but it’s pretty evident that Laura is still processing the rapid series of events.

That night, Mr. Taylor comes out of his bedroom and checks on his wife who has set up camp in Ellen’s bedroom. He offers to heat up some soup, but she doesn’t want any since it was made by “that girl’s mother.” “She thought she’d cover up her daughter’s guilt by being nice,” she states, much to Mr. Taylor’s disgust. Mine too; that’s incredibly tacky.

Before he can say anything, Mama Taylor, AKA Heloise, holds up a picture Ellen painted for her birthday. She muses on the interesting color choices for a bit before asking Mr. Taylor why he wasn’t home that fateful Friday afternoon. He’s taken aback by the question and says that he was still at work. “If you had been home she wouldn’t have gone. You wouldn’t have let her,” Heloise concludes. He says he would have, but Heloise says he would have told Ellen to do her chores first. Ergo, it’s his fault that Ellen is dead. Before he can even respond to this, she screams “Get out of my baby’s room!” He can’t believe that she would blame Laura, then him, but before he can get out any more of his disbelief she accuses him of accusing her. Oh, jeez. This would be the anger phase of the grief process. He leaves the room and she grabs all of the drawings and holds them to her chest. The music suggests that the corpse of Ellen is living in the attic, but I’m not sure that is the case. Yet.

Little Women 5/5

All the parents are gathered in the schoolhouse as Willie and the Ants prepare for their skit outside. And by prepare I mean the Ants are ready to kill Willie for not bringing the tobacco products like he promised. Willie claims it isn’t his fault his dad caught him, but the Ants think that he was bluffing the whole time. An in-depth “did not”/“did so” debate ensues. The episode must have come in a little short this week. Meanwhile, Ginny peeks inside to see if her Ma is in the audience. It looks like Ginny doesn’t see her, so she sulks as she rejoins the Ingalls girls who are watching Willie’s fight. Laura tells Ginny her mom will show up as Mary fiddles with Ginny’s bonnet. As the girls talk about their readiness, Nellie arrives wearing her New Jan Brady wig. She even has a red bow in her hair. Before everyone can make fun of the wig, Miss Beadle comes outside to see if everyone is ready. She tells Willie he is up first and tells everyone to do their best.

Inside, Miss Beadle welcomes the parents and introduces the first play: Tom Sawyer. The audience applauds as Miss Beadle waits for Willie to come on stage. When he doesn’t show up, she runs outside to see what the hold up is. She reaches the doorway and gasps. In walks Willie completely covered in whitewash. Everyone in the audience, except Harriet, finds this hysterically funny. Nels isn’t too impressed either, especially when Willie blames him for this embarrassment. He takes his son outside to clean up and the audience is still cracking up. As the Oleson men walk out, Mr. Mayfield and Ma Clark walk in and take a seat.

Once the laughter dies down, Miss Beadle introduces the next play: Little Women. The cast is introduced, starting with Nellie as Suzanne Pleshette as Meg. Mr. Edwards takes one look at her and starts cracking up again. He stops when he realizes he is the only one laughing. Once the cast is assembled on stage, Nellie starts things off by giving Harriet a shout out and then introducing the scene. Okay, having wooden actors play wooden actors is a sight to behold and Nellie and Mary do a fantastic job of this. Also, as Harriet watches she mouths the dialogue. I don’t think the double woodenness is intentional on Little House’s part, especially if you compare it to something like this which is intentional, but I’m enjoying it.

Anyway, the writing is pretty bad, as all of the extended dialogue is literally sent back to Meg (“let Meg tell you”) and there are a number of declarative statements. As for the plot, Jo (played by Ginny) somehow got a wad of cash and Meg asks how she earned the money. Meg removes Jo’s bonnet and we see that Jo must have sold her hair. Only Ginny actually cut her hair. Eh, I’m not really a method actor and I’m a little surprised Ginny went that route – she doesn’t seem like the type. Actually, it turns out she sold her hair to the wig man so she could buy the dress for Ma Clark. Aww. Ma Clark is overwhelmed with emotion and runs over to hug Ginny. Nellie gets pissy about being upstaged, but Miss Beadle tells Nellie to be quiet (hehe) and says the play is over, leading to a round of applause.

After the performances, Ginny runs over to hug Mr. Mayfield and asks if he liked the show. He says he liked it and he likes her hair. Ma Clark agrees. Aww. Caroline asks her daughters if they’re interested in going on stage ever again. Laura says maybe, so long as she doesn’t have to work with Nellie again. Sorry, half-pint, there will always be at least one Nellie Oleson in any stage production. Mary also says maybe, but she likes the drama of real life more. Mary Ingalls sucks at suspension of disbelief. Mary and her parents watch as Mr. Mayfield and the Clarks ride off. And scene.

Little Women 4/5

Mary, Laura and Ginny are walking home from school and are talking about the performances that will be happening tomorrow. Laura is pretty tired of rehearsals at this point because half of her lines have since been taken out of the script. Yeah, when I played the Tin Man in my high school’s production of The Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow and I had maybe three lines between the two of us after the Cowardly Lion was introduced. That’s a lot of standing around time, especially when you factor in an intermission. Anyway, Mary tells Laura it will be over soon. Laura reminds her sister that Doc Baker said the same thing when he pulled out one of Laura’s teeth even though it hurt for days afterward. Yeah, student theater is like pulling teeth. Ginny chimes in that she doesn’t mind the play so much but that she wished her mom would come to the show. This is the first time the Ingalls girls have heard this news and they ask Ginny about it. She says her Ma gave lots of reasons and Laura suggests acting really sweet so Ma Clark will give the real reason. Ginny runs home to try out this tactic.

When Ginny arrives at home, she has a package that she must have picked up along the way. Ma Clark greets her daughter and sees the package. She asks what it is and Ginny hands it to her and says it’s a present. Ma Clark unwraps the package and is pleasantly surprised to find a dress inside. Ginny reminds her that she said that she didn’t have a decent dress to wear to the play so Ginny got her one. Ma asks where Ginny got the money, but the girl says it’s a secret. Ma Clark thinks about it for a moment and jumps to the conclusion that Mr. Mayfield must be involved. She tells Ginny to take the dress back to the mercantile and give the money back to Mr. Mayfield. Ginny denies that Mr. Mayfield was involved, but Ma cuts her off, accuses her daughter of lying and sends her to bed without supper. Booo!

The next morning at the homestead, Charles finishes his chores and heads back inside the house. He sees the chairs stacked on the table and asks Caroline about the floor: he thought she already scrubbed it. Caroline said she did but she wanted to mop the floor and can’t find her mop. She calls up to the loft to see if Laura knows where the mop is. Laura asks a string of clarifying questions, such as “THE mop? The NEW mop?” causing Pa to call her downstairs. Laura is wearing the mop as a wig. About twenty years ago I was down in New Mexico for summer vacation. On Saturday morning my sister and I were channel surfing trying to find cartoons and came across this show on one of the religious stations where one kid was sitting on another kid’s lap like a ventriloquist’s dummy wearing a mop on her head. It was one of the weirdest things I had seen on TV…up to that point in my young life. Laura looks a lot like that dummy. Caroline tells her daughter that she looks more like Medusa than Beth, but Laura is not up on her Greek mythology either. Pa tells her to put the mop back on its handle.

Meanwhile, Mr. Mayfield is driving down the road when he sees Ginny sitting in a tree crying. He stops his cart and asks if she wants a lift to town. He asks why she’s up so early and figures it is because of the show. She tells Mayfield that she is going to be in the show because her Ma isn’t going. Ginny doesn’t think her Ma cares. That’s a totally reasonable argument your daughter is making, Ma Clark. Bad mommy! Ginny goes on to tell Mayfield about the dress she bought, which goes to show that he was not involved at all. He tells Ginny that everything will be alright. He takes the package and promises that her Ma will change her mind. In the meantime, he suggests that Ginny take the long way to school so she can wash away her tears in the creek so that “the prettiest girl in school” doesn’t look all gloomy on stage. Aww. Ginny watches Mayfield ride towards her house before leaving for school.

Ma Clark is less than thrilled when Mayfield arrives at her house. He begins to lecture her about how she is treating her daughter. He tells her that he found Ginny crying this morning and that he was not involved in the dress purchase. Ma Clark tries to argue with him about it, but he calls her out on her itty bitty pity party. Mayfield says in no uncertain terms that she should do what’s right, put on the dress, and ride with him into town to go watch the play.

Over at the mercantile, Willie is sneaking down into the store to get the tobacco for the Ants. Just as he opens the humidor, Nels walks in and asks Willie what he is doing. The kid says he is getting some stuff for the play, but Nels tells him that those props won’t be necessary for Tom Sawyer. Nels takes the cigars and sends Willie to school. Harriet comes down the stairs and tells Nellie to hurry along. Nellie doesn’t want to go, so Harriet tells Nels to move along while she deals with Nellie’s stage fright. “I’ve never heard of an actress yet who hasn’t had some sort of temperament,” Harriet chuckles as she goes upstairs. “What’s her excuse the rest of the time?” Nels mutters to himself.

Little Women 3/5

Harriet is handing out the scripts to the cast assembled in the Oleson parlor. Mary will be playing Marmie, Laura will play Beth and Ginny will be playing Jo. Nellie will play Meg as planned, along with the assurance from Mrs. Oleson that all the parts are tailored to the actors. Mary and Laura share a glance at that announcement. As the cast gets ready to leave Nellie reminds them that the man from the wig shop will be at tomorrow’s rehearsal. Laura asks why bother with a wig, to which Mrs. Oleson replies that “all fine actresses nowadays wear wigs.” Isn’t the point of those wigs so that the actresses have hair like Nellie’s? Or maybe I’m thinking of make-up so that the actresses can have permanent bitchface. Ginny’s excited about seeing the wig. Is she stalking Nellie?

As the girls walk home, Laura continues her whining from earlier. Mary offers the consolation that there aren’t too many lines to memorize. Laura agrees, since all of her lines are “oh yes” and “oh my”. Sounds riveting, Harriet. “I think I’ll add one more line,” Laura says. Mary asks what it is. “Shut up, Nellie.” No, I swear, that really happened! Mary laughs.

Back at the homestead Caroline is scrubbing the floor of the house. She asks the girls about the play and Mary explains the lack of enthusiasm. Although the lack of lines is annoying for a budding actor, the source material could be a lot worse. At least they aren’t doing The Upside of Down or Voices from the High School. Ma tries to console her daughters, but both seem pretty apathetic about the whole project so they should be fine in the long run.

Meanwhile, Willie and the Ants are practice the fence whitewashing scene from Tom Sawyer. Nels walks past the kids on the way back from the bank and tells them they are doing a nice job. Mr. Oleson, who is reading a ledger as he’s walking, moves towards the house and passes through a gap in the fence. He goes about five feet before realizing he did not walk through a gate. “Willie!” I guess the fence he is rehearsing with used to stand where the gap now exists. Willie asks what his Pa wants, but Nels thinks better of it and says never mind. Nels then walks around the fence to pass through the gate, instead of through the gap, and into the house.

Over at the Clark house, Mr. Mayfield stops by to pay a visit. Widow Clark steps onto the porch and tells Mr. Mayfield “if those flowers are for Ginny, she’s already left for school.” You know, lady, there are other ways to dissuade a gentleman caller than implying he may have an inappropriate relationship with your 9-year-old daughter. Mr. Mayfield perseveres and tries to give the flowers to Mrs. Clark. She refuses the flowers somewhat rudely, but that doesn’t stop Mayfield from pouring his heart out. He opens by calling her a “handsome woman.” Hehe. I know, “handsome” was gender neutral back then, but she does look somewhat mannish. Mayfield stumbles on his words a bit but finally spits out an invitation to join him at the play performance. Clark considers it for half a second before refusing, saying that she won’t be going because there’s too much to do at home. Mayfield says that Ginny will be heartbroken, but Clark says she will have to learn to live with disappointment. Booo! You suck, Ginny’s mom.

The conversation takes a turn when Mayfield tells Clark that her husband, who died two years ago, wouldn’t appreciate this. She says if she had the choice she would want to be dead with him. That’s lovely. Mayfield can’t believe she would think that, especially since he wouldn’t have followed his wife to the grave when she died five years ago. You know what doesn’t come off as flirty? Playing Quién es el Esposo más Muerto. Clark doesn’t want to play and sends Mayfield on his way.

The next day we see Nellie at her wig fitting. It looks like they are going for the 1974 Cher look. Laura and Mary are visibly bored and Harriet seems a bit apprehensive about the whole process. Nellie looks in a mirror and decides that she wants it to be curly like her normal hair. Harriet instantly agrees but the wig man cautions that it is a lot of hair to curl and that there will be an extra charge. This slows Harriet a bit as the wig man does some arithmetic and arrives at a total of $27. Yikes. Mrs. Oleson raises a fuss, Nellie gets all Veruca Salt about the wig, and the wig man says the hair alone cost $18. Mary and Laura are horrified by the economics of the situation before them. Harriet eventually agrees and the wig man assures them that the wig will be ready by morning. Ginny follows the wig man to the door and she watches his exit through the parlor window. Harriet starts the rehearsal and begins blocking the scene...badly.

Little Women 2/5

Laura, Mary and Ginny are walking home and talking about the day’s events. Ginny is really excited about getting the chance to see the inside of the Oleson house. I watch HGTV every now and then, but I don’t understand what would be so great about seeing the Olesons’ place. Of course, I never had the desire to watch MTV Cribs, so maybe it’s just a personal taste thing. The Ingalls girls tell Ginny that it is a pretty snazzy place, and with that little nugget to look forward to Ginny runs home. Laura complains some more about Nellie joining the group, but Mary shares the observation that Ginny was really excited about the opportunity to go to Nellie’s house. “That’s like wanting to go to Hell instead of Heaven,” Laura snarks.

We rejoin Ginny who starts waving at someone as she approaches her house. It’s Mr. Mayfield and he is happy to see Ginny. He jumps down from the wagon and tells Ginny about a honey bee tree that he found. “I thought to myself ‘who likes honey better than bears and bees’,” he tells Ginny. “Me!” she replies. Are they about to burst into song? Mr. Mayfield reaches into the wagon and grabs a couple of jars of honey for Ginny and her mom. Ginny invites Mr. Mayfield inside, but he seems hesitant to accept. Ginny runs inside to drop off the honey and fetch her mother.

Ginny’s mom was watching everything through the kitchen window and seems to disapprove of what is going on. Once Ginny is inside she can’t get two words out before her mom tells her to tell Mr. Mayfield that he shouldn’t have bothered. Ginny tells her mom that he is waiting for a thank you, but the mom says the honey is for Ginny and she should go thank him. Wow, mom is playing really hard to get. Ginny goes outside and tells Mr. Mayfield “my Ma says to thank you.” He looks crestfallen that he had to hear it from a messenger. He goes on to mention that he noticed their wood pile getting low and offers to help out, but Ginny’s Ma calls from inside to “tell him no.” Mr. Mayfield seems to get the hint and takes his leave. Wow, how often do you get a show with a plot that revolves around quaternary characters?

Ginny goes back inside and tells her Ma that she thinks Mr. Mayfield is awful nice. Ginny’s Ma doesn’t really respond to this. Ginny goes on to tell her about the play at school and who is in her group. “Doesn’t sound like school studies to me,” she responds. Ginny sort of half agrees, saying that even Miss Beadle referred to it as “entertainment”. When Ginny mentions that all the parents are invited to watch the plays, her Ma complains that entertainment would take time away from work. That’s...sort of the point of entertainment. Ginny begs her Ma to come to the play, but Ma goes on this spiel about how since Pa died it’s been nothing but work. Ginny pleads some more, saying it is only a morning and the other parents will be there. Ma doesn’t like the idea of mingling with the other parents, and besides she doesn’t have a dress for the occasion. Ginny asks one more time, but her Ma sends her off to do chores. Why do the parents in this town suck?

It’s dinner time at the Oleson house. The conversation seems to be about logistics for this whole play thing and Harriet has determined that the Mercantile will have to be closed Friday morning. Nels is leery about the lost business, but if most of the people in town are watching the plays anyway I don’t see what the big deal is. Harriet tries to lay some guilt on Nels, saying that not only will it be Nellie’s stage debut but Harriet’s writing debut as well. Apparently Harriet is the only person in Walnut Grove who has been to a play and therefore understands all the intricacies of effective writing for the stage. I guess I won’t need to bother with that screenwriting class I was looking at, seeing as how I watch TV. Nels seems pretty ambivalent about the whole thing until the subject of Willie’s part comes up. Willie doesn’t want to be in Little Women, so Nels suggests an adaptation of the new bestseller Tom Sawyer. Finally – a reference point for when this show actually takes place (1876ish). Nellie sneers that none of the other boys will want to be in a play with Willie, which he counters with a promise of licorice bribes. Nels warns his son that he can’t buy friends. I guess it’s the hermit’s life for Willie, then.

The next day, we see Willie frantically begging his former Ants to join him in the Tom Sawyer adaptation. The Ants aren’t interested at all, especially since Willie wants to be the lead. I wish “drama queen” was a more gender neutral term, as it applies equally to all genders. Willie promises the Ants licorice and sarsaparilla if they join up, but they are still a little dubious. Then, one of the 12-year-old Ants remembers that the Mercantile has a wide assortment of chewing tobacco and cigars and offers their services in exchange for some chaw. Chaw is so gross. Smoking I can deal with, but any activity that requires public spitting is just distasteful in my book. Anyway, Willie agrees and the guys start looking over the book.

Laura, Mary and Ginny stop by the mill to say hi to Charles, Mr. Edwards, and Mr. Mayfield. Pa asks about the rehearsal, but Laura says they haven’t received their parts yet. Mr. Mayfield asks which play and when they tell him, Mr. Edwards makes a joke about some midget he saw in St. Louis and it cracks everyone up. Except me. Confession time: I’ve been purposely avoiding the Mr. Edwards episodes that have been coming up because I really don’t have the patience to deal with his character. I’ll have to get to it eventually, but if you’re a fan you might have to wait a while. Ginny invites Mr. Mayfield to the show and he agrees. He asks if Ginny’s mom will be there, but Ginny is not optimistic.

The school bell rings and the girls run off to class. Mr. Mayfield compliments Ginny and her mom and Mr. Edwards starts teasing him about being lovesick. Charles asks Mr. Mayfield if he fancies Widow Clark, but Mr. Mayfield says that she doesn’t seem to notice. Mr. Edwards suggests that Mr. Mayfield be direct with her “and then you tell her how it’s gonna be.” Guh, shut up, Mr. Edwards. Charles then pretends to greet Mr. Edwards’s wife and he and Mr. Mayfield leave while Isaiah sputters around drunkenly, or something.