Fight, Team, Fight 1/5

Generic marching band music plays in the background as we see someone looking through old newspaper clippings about football. The name Ellerbee keeps popping up, so I think it is safe to assume that he is the one who is reminiscing. One headline reads "'Big Rock' Crushes Princeton Defense" and above it is either an artist rendering of the event or a captionless "Far Side" comic. If it's the latter, it isn't very funny. The camera moves so that we see over Ellerbee's shoulder. A voice off camera says "Pete, it's getting late," so the man closes the album and rises from his seat. He walks over to a shelf and replaces the album. On top of the shelf is a trophy with a football resting in its cup. Pete grabs the football in such a way that for a second I think he is about to start making out with it. Ick, he licked his lips!

Before things get hot and heavy, Pete exits the room and joins his wife and son at the breakfast table. He mentions that he likes the study in this house better than the one in Boston. The son, Dan, finishes scribbling on a piece of paper and shows it to his mom. It's a decent drawing of a horse and Mrs. Ellerbee praises it. She hands the drawing to her husband saying, "our son has quite a talent." Pete puts down his coffee and replies, "too bad it doesn't extend to football." Alright then, guess we can check "exposition" off the to-do list. The parents have a passive-aggressive back-and-forth that pretty much boils down to "Daddy Issues". Oy, I'm recapping this through YouTube and the syndicated version was kind enough to bypass this. Anyway, Pete believes that moving back to Minnesota might help the boy "toughen up". I hope that wasn't your only reason for moving a thousand miles in the 1870's, particularly moving from bustling Boston to ho-hum Hero Township. Mrs. Ellerbee looks a bit sad as she watches this entire interaction between the males.

Meanwhile at the line of scrimmage, Albert is calling out tonight's lottery numbers as he waits for Willie to hike the ball. Albert takes the ball and runs into the resulting scrum. He then kind of rolls along the side of the commotion. It's weird to watch because there's a lot of people pushing against one another but no one trying to knock other people down. It's like one side is getting off a train while the other side is getting on. Ha, somehow Willie got trampled -- that's just sad. Albert is able to run the ball into the end zone as Nels, Pete and Dan watch from the sidelines. Pete says Albert has some potential and Nels agrees. Mr. Oleson calls Albert over to introduce him to the new people. For whatever reason Dan is wearing an ill-fitting cardigan along with ill-fitting pants -- it's really distracting. Mr. Ellerbee congratulates Albert on his last play before Nels introduces Dan. He mentions that Dan used to play football so Albert invites him to join the game. The boys run off just as Harriet starts screeching for Nels to join her at the school board meeting. Mr. Ellerbee follows Nels to the meeting.

We join in mid-meeting as Nels reports that new textbooks will be ordered soon. Wow, this is a well-attended meeting. There must be...eleven people here. Of course the only ones I recognize are Ellerbee, the Olesons and Charles. Laura's there too, but that's because school is about to resume once the meeting is over. The last item on the agenda is Mr. Oleson introducing Mr. Ellerbee. He shares a story about how "Big Rock" made Rutgers a powerhouse team while Nels quivered on Princeton's third string. Wait a minute, Nels went to Princeton? Why did he come back to Walnut Grove? I guess the writers wanted to establish some historical foundation since the first recorded football game was between Rutgers and Princeton. Ooo! Anachronism! Princeton was "The College of New Jersey" until 1896. Um, anyway, Nels finishes his anecdote and leads the crowd in a round of applause. Pete stands and tells the assembly that he decided to move back after retiring from a successful business. He thanks Nels for the kind words and then goes into a soliloquy about football. "Football is more than just a game: it's something that shapes a man's character and builds his confidence. Maybe no more than other life experiences but certainly among the very best." Eh. He then goes on to volunteer his services as a football coach. Everyone is floored by this. I'm just confused: who are they going to play? Isn't Sleepy Eye a day's journey away? Nels is more than happy to pass on the coaching duties and leads the group once again in a round of applause. "On to victory!" Ellerbee awkwardly says as you can see the air inflating his head. Oh dear.

Full disclosure time. If you can't tell by now, I'm not much of a football fan. My alma mater, Oberlin College, has an interesting football history. John Heisman, who the trophy is named after, was the coach at Oberlin in 1892 and 1894. The school is also the last Ohio school to beat Ohio State in a football game (way back in the early 1921). Then things went downhill. We had the longest losing streak in the country that spanned several years. At some point we won a game and immediately followed it with a new, longer losing streak that didn't end until my freshman year (including a game where we played against Swarthmore who also had an endless losing streak). The team has had a handful of wins each season since, but you won't be seeing us in any championships any time soon. However, I have been a coach for the last four years -- though my sport is bowling. Anyway, this isn't about me, so let's get back to the story.

Time for the first official practice under Coach Ellerbee. The boys are sitting on the ground in a line as Ellerbee walks in front of them giving a speech. "I can't promise you a championship what I can promise you is to teach you how to win and that's the hardest grueling work you'll ever know if you've got it in you you can become a winner but only if winning becomes the most important thing in your life that's right I said THE most important you have to become totally dedicated totally committed and totally fit if any of you can't handle that you can leave right now." (Willie does not stand up -- I lose that bet.) One of the challenges I have as a coach is giving speeches like this. First of all, I like punctuation so I think I lose a lot of the emphasis by insisting on using periods and commas. Also, maybe it is my own philosophy getting in the way, but I don't necessarily believe that you can teach someone how to win. I think you can teach someone how to set goals and how to frame what you consider a win, but a number of those outcomes involve factors that the athlete has no control over. Anyway, Ellerbee asks if the boys want to be winners and he keeps asking until he gets what he considers to be an appropriately enthusiastic "yes". It reminds me of what I wanted to do at our last bowling tournament this season. At the trophy presentation at this year's Super Bowl, Pittsburgh's coach shouted "STEELERS FOOTBALL IS SIXTY MINUTES!" I really wanted to crib that and say to my team "OBERLIN BOWLING IS TEN FRAMES!" but I honestly think I would have lost all the credibility I have built up these past few years.

Once Ellerbee gets an appropriate response, he starts the team on drills. Montage! Running! Propping up Albert's ego! A makeshift version of those things football players push around! Blocking! Punt returns! Woo! Ellerbee wasn't too satisfied with that last one. After he blows his whistle at the end of the play, he runs over to Dan and grabs him by the arms. I thought he was about to go all Bobby Knight on his son, but Pete just gets in Dan's face to tell him he is kicking the ball too low. Dan apologizes, but Pete isn't finished. "Do you think because you're an Ellerbee makes you special? You're wrong: it does. It means you have to work twice as hard as everybody else." Man, what a shitty proposition. Dan actually has to think about his response before he goes with the correct "Yes, sir." Ellerbee sends his son back into play. Albert, who was watching, seems really disappointed with what just transpired.

Goodbye, Mrs. Wilder 1/5

1981 – Mrs. Oleson’s constant interference prompts Laura to quit as Walnut Grove’s teacher.

Sorry for the extended hiatus, folks. Like I mentioned earlier, February is the craziest month of the year for me and unfortunately this project had to take a backseat for a while. The good news is I am mostly back and ready to work. Let me just say that this episode is…appropriate for now. Enjoy!

Wagons are circling outside of the school as we zoom in on the building’s front door. I’m guessing this is going to be a school heavy episode. Laura is quizzing the kids about New York City geography. That’s useful information, I suppose, if one of the kids invents game shows. I dunno, it is almost like quizzing kids about the neighborhoods of London – it’s only useful if you end up going there. Laura asks if any of the kids can name one of the five major areas of the city. Hilde raises her hand and guesses “Manhattan”. Before she can advance to the lightning round, Willie shoots a spitball at a kid sitting behind Hilde. Laura glares at Willie, who remarks “I didn’t do nothin’.” “Anything!” Laura angrily corrects. “I didn’t do that neither,” he replies. The class laughs, then Willie asks why they need to learn about NYC. “In case you go anywhere outside Minnesota you’ll have something besides total ignorance to take with you.” For some reason Albert finds this funny and starts laughing.

Laura moves on to the lightning round and asks Hilde if she can name the other four areas. Hilde declines the offer, as do the rest of her classmates. Laura testily gives out the answer then asks what the designation is for those five areas. Meanwhile, Willie preps another spitwad. Laura catches him before he fires and asks if he knows the answer. Willie says he doesn’t know and Laura informs him they are called boroughs. “I thought ‘boroughs’ were some kind of a donkey,” he replies, playing(?) dumb. The class laughs again, frustrating Laura further. She writes on the board the two different spellings of borough/burro, to which Willie responds with hee-haw sounds. Laura sends Willie to the corner.

Laura continues the lesson by talking about the Brooklyn Bridge. She asks which borough is on the non-Manhattan side of the bridge. Laura is met with glazed eyes. “It’s called the Brooklyn Bridge,” she snarls. “Does anyone find it logical that it might be connected to Brooklyn?” You know, maybe the class didn’t want to acknowledge the insult to their intelligence by answering such an inane question.

Oh cripes, Mrs. Oleson is wandering in. She has a gentleman guest with her, but she seems more concerned about Willie being in the corner than introducing the man. Laura tells Willie to sit down as his mother nervously chuckles. Mrs. Oleson then introduces Mr. Stoeler, a member of the State Board of Education. Oh, geez. If the Minnesota Board operates at all like the Walnut Grove Board this school is going to be in a lot of trouble. Mrs. Oleson goes on to explain that he is visiting to give an evaluation of the school for the School Improvement Program. If the evaluation goes well, the school might be able to get some grant money for renovations and supplies. Mr. Stoeler tells Laura that he will be sitting in to see how the class is doing. Ooo, bad timing for that. Laura asks the class another random-ass question to which no one responds.

We see Almanzo arriving home from work. He enters the house and announces his arrival. Laura is so not in the mood and tells him not to cause such a ruckus. Manly asks Laura about her day. “I had the kind of day that makes me wonder why I ever wanted to be a teacher in the first place,” she rants. “What makes otherwise intelligent students suddenly become rude, unruly, and stupid?” Now wait just a minute, Mrs. Wilder. The best teachers I have had were the type that inspired me to learn. Rote Q&A is not all that inspirational, nor is the snoring that would happen if the unruly kids didn’t act up and keep everyone else awake. I hope that wasn’t too rude. Put another way, the kids aren’t fully to blame, half-pint. Manly tries to be sympathetic as Laura annihilates the peas she is snapping. She goes on to rant about Mrs. Oleson and her constant meddling. Almanzo suggests that Laura take a break, but apparently Mrs. Oleson called an emergency meeting of the school board. Manly reads the room and decides to go tend to the horses while Laura pulls out a giant knife to cut some parsley. I hope she doesn’t bring the knife to the meeting.

This week’s school board is composed of Nels, Harriet, Charles, Doc Baker, and a couple of townies who are there for quorum. Harriet is arguing that the school is not meeting state standards and unless the curriculum is updated the school will not get their basic assistance grant. Laura asks what Mr. Stoeler disliked and Mrs. Oleson explains that education is no longer about the three R’s. Charles asks what should be added to the curriculum. Art appreciation and French top the list, which Nels is dumbstruck by. Harriet is also concerned that there is no real dress code in the school. “Some of the children come to school looking like common little beggars,” she says bluntly. You know Harriet, unless you plan on supporting Willie for the rest of your days there is a strong likelihood that you’ll have a common little beggar associated with the Oleson name. Just a heads up.

Anyway, Laura is not only offended by Harriet’s classism but the mere idea of covering art appreciation and French is just too overwhelming. Harriet offers to tutor Laura, but Laura is more concerned about the students learning the essentials. I have to agree, though my humanities-loving heart is aching a bit. Mrs. Oleson is digging in her heels, claiming that if other schools can do it, Walnut Grove can do it. Laura points out that other schools have more than one teacher, which Harriet interprets as weakness on Laura’s part that she can’t handle an extended schedule. Charles intervenes, pointing out that the future farmers and wives of farmers probably won’t need French. Nels agrees, adding that the idea of Willie taking on two extra courses would cause him to be in school the rest of his life. Bwah! Oh, Nels, never change.

Laura agrees with Nels’ point, saying it would be too much for any student. “Well,” starts Harriet, who is approaching maximum huffiness, “properly taught I’m sure that they could manage.” Surprisingly, Laura does not flip the bitch switch, though she is thinking about it. Mrs. Oleson also reminds the room that she has a teaching certificate and that she would have been an international star of the teaching world had she not married Nels. Keep it classy, Harriet, you’re doing great so far.

After questioning Laura’s credentials, Harriet moves for a vote on the curriculum. Nels abstains, but the townies and Harriet vote for the change. Laura is disappointed, but asks Mrs. Oleson for reassurance that one teacher can handle the workload. Harriet chuckles a positive response. “Good,” Laura says while flipping the switch, “because I quit. Ladies and gentlemen meet your new school teacher.” She storms out and the rest of the board slowly follows her out the door. Harriet remains standing at the desk.

Sylvia 2/10

The next day at school, a girl walks over to Albert and hands him some books. Oh, this must be Sylvia. I think the best way to describe her would be “fourteen-year-old extra on Little House on the Prairie”. He thanks her and apologizes about what happened. She brushes it off and it seems like things are settled. I think they’re totally crushing on each other so the conversation is very awkward.

Laura calls Sylvia from the stoop and asks the young girl to come into the schoolhouse. There’s a special meeting of the school board, which usually means that it is a meeting of the “special” school board. They want to talk to Sylvia, so you can probably guess what the topic du jour is. This week’s board is composed of Charles, Doc Baker, Nels, Harriet, and some townie. Harriet starts off the inquisition by saying that she has heard reports of things going on that have been deemed improper. Sylvia has no idea what Mrs. Oleson is talking about and apparently that has been Laura’s stance throughout the meeting. Harriet asks Sylvia why the boys were at Sylvia’s house. That’s like asking the money why it was in the bank that was robbed. Sylvia is having trouble following Mrs. Oleson’s logic and says that the boys were just being silly. Harriet doesn’t like this definition of silly at all.

Mrs. Oleson then asks the girl why the boys chose Sylvia’s house when there are so many other houses to choose from. It’s a leading question, which Harriet answers by accusing Sylvia of being a tease. There is so much that is absolutely disgusting about this scene. First off, it is apparent by the line of questioning that which ever girl was the unfortunate victim of Willie’s peeping would be subjected to this treatment. Also, it’s not like Sylvia is being an exhibitionist here. Looking at her I don't think she's a Hussy McSluterson, not that that is relevant anyway. She didn't consent to the peeping, so back of Harriet. As obnoxious as Mrs. Oleson is throughout the series, this is by far one of her worst moments and it makes me sick.

Charles finally intervenes, pointing out that the situation is turning into “he said she said”. Mrs. Oleson is bothered that Mr. Ingalls is on Sylvia’s side, despite Albert being “lured” to the girl’s house. Charles relates Albert’s version of the events and chalks everything up to natural curiosity. Harriet considers this condoning the boys’ actions, but Charles equates what happened with peeking around the swimming hole. “I certainly don’t remember any of the boys sneaking around the swimming pond when I was a girl.” Nels mutters something under his breath. Hey, Nels? You picked her. Remember that.

The consensus among everyone except Mrs. Oleson is that boys will be boys. Laura wants to start school and Doc Baker calls for the meeting to adjourn. Harriet storms off as the rest of the board files out. Laura apologizes to Sylvia and lets her ring the bell. Despite all the problems that have come up in the last day or so, that Sylvia is pretty well adjusted. I hope that lasts.

The bell starts to ring as we see the feet of kids scrambling to gather their things and enter the school house. We then get an extreme close up and pan across some flowers. The pan stops on someone’s eye. Uh-oh, that eye is aimed directly at Sylvia. And it does not blink.

After school, Sylvia is walking home with Albert and a couple other boys about forty feet behind her. She turns around, see the boys, and walks a bit faster. The boys start teasing Albert that Sylvia was making eyes at him. The porn critic thinks Sylvia has the hots for Albert and suggests peeking through her window again. Albert pushes the kid to get him to shut up. Albert walks away.

We now see Sylvia walking through a wooded area gathering some flowers. Serene music plays as birds chirp the day away. She arranges the flowers into a bouquet and stops when she hears some twigs cracking. She looks up, but doesn’t see anything. More twigs crack, so Sylvia gets up to investigate. She walks towards the sound and some birds fly out of the tree.

Sylvia smiles as the bluebirds fly away, but suddenly a gloved hand grabs her mouth. Ahhhhh! Whoever grabbed her has on a black hood and a creepy mime or clown mask covering their face. The mask doesn’t have eye holes either, so it looks like a disturbing hybrid of the comedy/tragedy masks. The attacker forces the bouquet out of Sylvia’s hand for maximum symbolism. Yikes. What makes it worse is that the Hallmark Channel thinks this is the best time for a bottom of the screen graphic advertising “another great episode” of Little House coming up next. Stay tuned.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 3/5

Caroline is laughing at something as she takes some clothes off the line outside the Ingalls’ house. She notices that Albert, Laura and Carrie are home from school early. As they recap the morning’s events for Ma, Grace the Raccoon ambles to the laundry basket, retrieves a doll, and scurries away not unlike Gollum. After hearing the details, Caroline tells the kids to watch the Raccoon as she speaks to Pa about what’s going on.

We see Charles walking up to the schoolhouse. Ms. Wilder is sitting in the front row crying. She looks pretty put together for someone who has supposedly been crying for at least an hour. She sees Mr. Ingalls and tries to sputter out what happened. Charles tries to comfort her, but she says she can’t cope with Bart. He asks if Ms. Wilder has tried to talk to Mr. Slater, but she rehashes their one-way conversation/threat from earlier. Charles commiserates for a bit then heads over to the Slater Compound for a sit down with Papa Bart. As he leaves, Ms. Wilder confides that she needs the teaching job. Charles says he understands, but that the students need an education. I guess that is the polite, turn-of-the-century Minnesota way of saying “suck it up, lady.” She seems to catch his drift.

Over at Casa de Slater, Mr. Slater is not really receptive to anything Charles has to say. Apparently dad is taking Bart’s interpretation of events as the reality of the situation. This time, Ms. Wilder sent Bart to the corner, stood up too fast and knocked her own chair over, startling herself. That’s not even a good lie. Charles challenges this, but Mr. Slater says that he’ll believe his own son over the word of a stranger. I guess that’s why the year on Bart’s birth certificate looks like it has been erased and rewritten a couple of times. We then find out that Bart was hiding inside the barn the conversation took place in front of and he overheard everything. A self-satisfied smile crosses his face.

Almanzo is livid as Charles breaks the news to him and Eliza. Almanzo says he’ll discipline the kid himself, but Charles talks him down. Awww. He suggests leaving it up to the school board, but Eliza refuses. She’s not sure what her plan will be, but as she tries to formulate one a schoolyard rhyme is being yelled at the Wilder house. Eliza leaps up, runs to the door and sees that it’s Bart. “See you at school, Eliza Jane,” he yells as he runs away. Almanzo is about to pound the “kid’s” face in, but Eliza stops him. Instead, she agrees to the school board meeting.

Uh-oh. The school board consists of Nellie, Harriet, Doc Baker and Charles. Wait, if two people from the same family can be on the board, why isn’t Caroline there? Or Nels? At least they would bring some sanity to the proceedings. Also, four people? I guess ties protect the status quo but that seems a little unproductive. Anyway, Harriet raises the point that Mr. Slater has pledged a lot of money to the school fund drive and that expelling Bart will likely cancel that pledge. Why do I get the feeling that it was actually Mrs. Slater who made the pledge? Just a hunch. Charles states that if Bart sticks around, the school won’t function so the pledge money won’t do much good anyway. Mrs. Oleson is concerned that since Mr. Slater is such a big wheel in Walnut Grove that he could take his business elsewhere. Charles is okay with that conclusion, not wanting to sacrifice principle for profit. Nellie bitchily chimes in that if Ms. Wilder can’t control the class they should hire someone else and that they should now vote on the matter. The vote goes 2-2, so Bart gets to stay. Ms. Wilder leaves the schoolhouse defeated.