Fred 4/5

Caroline feeds the chickens while Charles and Mr. Janks chat about swamp grass. Janks picks up a few tufts and declares them “tolerable, tolerable.” Since the grass passed a rigorous inspection, Charles asks for his payment. Janks puts his thumbs under his armpits – that's a bad sign. He offers Charles five dollars even though the original deal was for eight. Janks claims the price for grass went down so his price also goes down. Charles is pissed, but Janks says that with nothing in writing Ingalls has to take it or leave it. Charles throws a tantrum but Caroline runs over to stop him. Janks waves the money at Ingalls and after a few seconds of grousing Charles accepts the deal. Thank goodness the Ingalls family isn’t litigious or we would probably see one of them every couple of days on The People’s Court.

Laura and Carl are walking back to the still carrying a bag of oats. They discuss various places where they can shop Fred around. We hear belching followed by a slide trombone. Oh no! Fred’s discovered jazz! Oh wait, he’s just drunk from whatever Mr. Edwards was brewing. Laura determines that the goat is sick, even though Fred is just standing in place staring blankly like he usually does. I don’t think Laura should pursue a career in veterinary medicine. The two kids spin the goat around a couple of times as they figure out which way to take him back to town. The booze must not be that strong since Fred doesn’t boot.

The kids enter Doc Baker’s office with Fred. Doc finishes washing his hands and does a double take when he sees the goat, which belches again. “Laura, Carl, you know better than to bring a goat in here,” he lectures in a tone that suggests that this may not be the first time this has happened. Laura pleads with Doc, telling him that the goat has been poisoned. He thinks for a tic before he closes the door, locks it, and pulls the shades because he doesn’t want people to know he’s treating a goat. He treats other animals and the Oleson kids, why would this be a problem?

Outside, Grace Edwards drops off a package on the Doctor’s stoop. Mr. Edwards walks by and the two go to lunch. Inside, Baker is examining Fred’s eye when the goat burps again. Baker starts to sniff and comes up with his diagnosis – the goat’s drunk. The kids are surprised by this news. Doc Baker opens the door and tells the kids to take Fred and get out. Doc spots the package that Grace dropped off and bends over to pick it up. The camera zooms in on Fred’s eye before we see Doc Baker charge towards the stream. The techie in me needs to point out that this is a really sloppy edit since Fred is nowhere near Doc Baker’s hiney.

The Edwards couple hears the splash and goes to check on the doctor who is now in a foul mood. Jeez, everyone in town has a severe case of the Mondays. As he stomps back to his office, Baker yells to keep the drunken goat away from him. Grace laughs at this before she checks out the goat. It burps again and she reels back from the stench. She declares the goat as drunk as a lumberjack on payday. That doesn’t sound like any lumberjacks I know. Hmph. Anyway, Grace asks the kids how the goat got drunk and Carl starts to spill the beans about his Pa’s “thinking place.” Busted!

Grace switches her attention from the goat that butted Doc Baker to the goat that she married. Fred shows no remorse, causing Edwards to threaten to make roast goat if he sees Fred again. I kinda like how this animal is turning into the Hawaiian Tiki of Walnut Grove. Is Vincent Price in our future?

Carl suggests that Laura just abandon the goat somewhere. She doesn’t like this idea one bit. “God,” Carl says, though not in an exasperated way. “God takes care of everything.” This gives Laura the idea to consult Reverend Alden. The kids walk over to the school/infirmary/playhouse/church to see if the preacher is in. Carl spots him through a window. The two of them lead Fred inside.

Reverend Alden wipes down the desks as he practices his sermon. The subject, coincidentally enough, is “All Creatures Great and Small.” As soon as he finishes with his Bible recitation about how man owns and operates EVERYTHING, the kids loudly “AHEM” to get Alden’s attention. Alden is surprised by their visit and they explain that they need to talk with him about Fred. Laura lists all the people who don’t like Fred -- Charles, Edwards, Harriet, Parsons, Doc Baker and Mary, though I thought she was indifferent. Alden is surprised that any of those people would bear such harsh feelings towards an individual, not realizing that Laura is talking about a goat with a butt fetish. Alden bends over to scrub the cloak closet as he asks if Fred is new to Walnut Grove. Laura starts to explain Fred’s status but is interrupted by a bleat and the camera zooming in on Fred’s eye.

Outside we hear a loud crash. At least the Reverend’s horse isn’t spooked.

Fred 3/5

Oy, it’s Mr. Edwards. I hate this episode. Drunk music plays as he walks over to a sheet hanging over a tree limb. He moves away some branches – I think he was trying to hide the sheet? Even Mary in her later years would have been able to see it, Edwards. He lifts the sheet and reveals the Edwards Distillery. He takes a sip of his concoction when someone yells “Pa” offscreen.

Edwards yells at his son Carl for sneaking up on him, but the kid claims he wasn’t sneaking. Carl starts to check the tent but Edwards grabs the kid and asks why he isn’t in school. Carl says he was hoping that his Pa was going fishing. Edwards sends the kid along after he explains that what is happening in the tent is a secret. Carl asks for some details and Edwards says he’s “inventin’.” Really? Is that the best you could come up with? Carl says it smells bad and Edwards continues his lie by saying it’s a new brand of turpentine. Actually, knowing how some stills work and how much faith I have in Mr. Edwards, that might not technically be a lie. Time will tell, I suppose. Anyway, Edwards reiterates that the tent is a secret between him and Carl before sending the boy on his way. Once Carl is gone, Edwards samples some more turpentine.

Over at the school we see Willie exit the outhouse. As he runs back towards the building Laura squeals for him to come over to the tree she is hiding behind. Laura brought Fred and shows him to the boy. She says it’s a very special goat, but Willie says it couldn’t be special if she owns it. He asks what a goat is good for, leading Laura into a sales pitch very similar to the one Parsons used on her. Laura opens with barn protection, but Willie points out that the Olesons don’t have a barn. Laura thinks for a moment, then mentions goats make the best cheese there is (true dat!). Willie ponders this a moment and Laura pushes harder saying that goat cheese is so yummy you won’t eat anything else. Ewww, could you imagine a goat cheese only diet? My stomach has a sad just thinking about that. Laura leads Fred away, but Willie chases her down to get some more info. Whatever you do, Half-pint, don’t shake hands at the end of the deal – Willie didn’t wash.

Outside the Olesons’ house, Harriet hangs laundry on the clothesline while Willie prattles on about how he pulled one over on Laura. As he ties his “gen-u-wine” goat to one of the clothesline posts, Harriet continues scrubbing and “uh huh”-ing while her back is turned. In her half-listening she does manage to remind her son not to swindle Laura too often since the Olesons are the business people and shouldn’t take too much advantage of others. Willie says he’s going to start a cheese empire then runs off to school. Fred bleats, snapping Harriet into attention. She turns around and sees the animal. She calls for Willie to come back, but he’s gone.

Back at the school, Laura tells Carl about the transaction as they play on the whirly see-saw. Carl tells Laura he would never sell his goat if he had one, but Laura recaps that Fred and Pa didn’t get along. Hey, who’s telling the story here, Ingalls? A kid runs by and grabs Carl’s hat. Laura and Carl chase after him.

Fred watches Harriet continue to do laundry. He looks about as interested in that activity as I do. Fred starts to nibble on a dress hanging on the line causing Harriet to have a conniption. She manages to free the clothing from the animal’s mouth then runs over to the post to untie him so he can leave her sight. Fred takes a couple of steps, stops and turns back. Harriet continues to mutter as she bends over to pick up something off the ground. Fetish Fred looks over and charges over towards Harriet’s checkered rump. Harriet lands in a mud pit. Hmm, this episode is starting to show some promise.

Inside the school we see Mary handing her essay to Miss Beadle. Before the sucking up switches from “Low” to “High”, we hear Harriet screeching for Laura Ingalls. All the kids stand all Children of the Corn like as Harriet, who looks much muddier than when we last saw her, stomps toward the school. Willie and Nellie run over to join their mother. Harriet confronts Laura about the goat, accusing her of swindling her son. Laura says “did not!” Willie’s rebuttal: “Did so! How’d she do it, Ma?” Harriet glares at her son before saying “A billy goat? To make cheese?” Harriet bops her son on the head and then he finally gets it. In fairness, that didn’t really register with me right away, so I think the chuckling that Mary tries to hold back is well deserved. Laura returns the items Willie traded claiming that she didn’t cheat Willie. That’s debatable. Laura asks where Fred ran off to, but Harriet tells her that it’s not her problem. Miss Beadle tells the kids to go back inside for class.

Laura, Carl and Fred walk home. Carl says tomorrow is Saturday, so that should give them time to come up with a plan. However, Laura still needs a place for Fred to stay the night. Carl says he knows a place, but Laura has to promise to keep it a secret. When has that ever worked on this show? Laura goes through the whole cross heart/word of honor/”hope the rats will eat you up”(huh?) ritual before Carl agrees to share his hiding place. They end up at the still which Carl says is okay because this is an emergency. That’s a pretty loose definition. Laura pokes around and asks what the bubbling liquid is. Carl says it is turpentine of some sort, though Laura is surprised that raisins and sugar are some of the ingredients. As soon as Carl and Laura head out Fred helps himself to the cauldron. More drunk music.

Bully Boys 5/5

Caroline pours some water from the kettle into a bowl to aid in cleaning Charles’ wounds. Doc Baker tells Charles to stay in bed until at least Sunday because he has at least three bruised ribs. Ouch. Mr. Edwards advises Charles to bring a two-by-four the next time he deals with roughnecks. There’s a knock at the door and Caroline goes to answer it. It’s Reverend Alden. He asks Doc if Charles will be alright and he replies, rather testily, that he’ll mend. I’m thinking someone got pulled out of his golf game to tend to the wounded. Anyway, Reverend Alden apologizes for what happened, but Charles isn’t interested. He accuses the Reverend of butting in and using soft words to try to appease the Galenders instead of addressing the problems the town is having with the newbies. Reverend Alden’s response: “Faced with violence, they reacted with violence.” Mr. Edwards calls bullshit on that, since Caroline was the one who was attacked first, albeit not as violently.

And then Reverend Alden has the chutzpah to ask if she perhaps misinterpreted the Galenders’ actions. This really irks Charles and warns the Reverend that today was just a sample of whatever shenanigans the Galenders have in store. The Reverend continues to defend the Galenders saying the Ingalls don’t understand the situation. Even assuming that their situation is real, Reverend, I fail to see how groping Caroline helps out the Galenders’ sick mother. Charles tells the Reverend to stop with the sermon that there is good in all people. Caroline is watching this like a tennis match, her eyes going back and forth between the Reverend and Charles. The Reverend pauses before telling Charles that he cannot approve of what happened today. Charles leaves the room and Reverend Alden leaves the house soon after. Mr. Edwards follows Charles and tells him “don’t you worry about a thing, Charles. I’ll get me a plow handle and by the time I’m done with them Galenders they’ll be too sore to wear their hats.” Uh, thanks? Charles tells his friend to stay out of it. As Mr. Edwards leaves, we see Laura and Mary sitting at the edge of the loft listening to everything that just transpired.

The next day, the Reverend rides out to the shack to speak with the Galenders. Bubba is outside splitting wood. He tells the preacher that his brothers aren’t home. “I see,” replies Reverend Alden. “Have they received any word about your mother?” he asks. This stops Bubba, who says that she hasn’t spoken to them in years. He asks how he knew about her, and the Reverend says they told him about her. This confounds Bubba since she left with some drummer shortly after Bubba was born. How 1960’s of her. Reverend Alden becomes Father Dowling for a moment as he figures out what is going on. Before he leaves, he asks Bubba to remind his brothers that he is looking forward to seeing them at church on Sunday.

School lets out Friday afternoon and the kids head down the steps. Mary, who was towards the front of the crowd, decides this is the best time to take a seat on the front steps. Mary Ingalls sucks at not screwing up traffic. Even Laura has to engage in some weird acrobatics to walk around her sister. Laura tells Mary to hurry up so they can soak their feet in the creek before they do their chores. Sounds like fun. Bubba comes out of the school a few moments later and grabs the writing tablet that Mary set down. Laura tells him to put it back. Bubba puts forth the legal argument of “Finders Keepers” while Nellie files the amicus brief of “Loser’s Weepers”. Mary quietly says “That’s my tablet, Bubba.” He says he doesn’t see her name on it and Nellie chimes in that she saw him find it. Mary seethes that her name is on the front cover and asks again for him to give it back. Bubba interprets this as Mary claiming he can’t read. Mary looks at him before replying through gritted teeth that she is not going to take any more bullying from him. Laura says “me too,” and takes a step closer to the action.

Mary stands up, picks up her pail, and walks up to Bubba. “There comes a time when people have to stand up for what’s right. We’re not backing down to you anymore.” Bubba tries to call her bluff and advises Mary to go talk to her papa to see what Galenders are capable of. Mary’s rebuttal: Swinging her pail across Bubba’s face. Mary Ingalls does not suck at hand-to-hand combat. Good for her. She throws down the pail and tries to get in a couple of hits while he’s on the ground, but Bubba pushes her away. Laura tries to dive in but he is able to push her away as well. Mary tries again, but Bubba is able to overpower her and push her away. Nuts, Mary Ingalls does suck at hand-to-hand combat. As this is happening, all the other girls are silently communicating their solidarity and bum rush Bubba shortly after Mary is pushed aside. Everyone except Nellie gets in on the action.

Later that evening, Pa is enjoying his after dinner pipe outside with Caroline sitting nearby. The girls come out to say good night and Mary apologizes for getting into a fight. Pa says that the fight seemed inevitable, so he’ll let it slide. Laura asks if Reverend Alden would think the girls were wrong, but Charles guesses not since they won. Boosh. Caroline chastises her husband verbally while the bruised ribs chastise him physically. Mary says she learned a lesson: That if you stand together you don’t have to be afraid. That seems to be the bully antidote on this show. Laura starts to reenact the play-by-play, but Caroline warns her that being prideful of a fight isn’t advisable. Laura cuts herself off as she and Mary are sent to bed. Before Laura shuts the front door, Caroline verifies that Mary “socked him a good one”. Atta girl, Caroline.

It’s now Sunday morning and the congregation is arriving at church. Charles notices the Galenders walking up and snidely comments that the “Christians are on their way to church.” Before Charles can get super bitchy, Mr. Edwards walks up and greets the family. There is some milling about inside the church until the Galenders arrive. A hush falls over the crowd and everyone decides to take their seats. The Galenders sit in the front row and Reverend Alden gives them an icy glare. He says he’s going to bypass the hymn and go right to the sermon.

Today’s subject: HELL. Specifically, the concept of Hell serving a purpose in reminding people why they strive to do good things. “I’ve told you there’s good in all people,” starts the Reverend. “But that doesn’t mean that all people lead good lives. There are those who lie, who steal, who abuse those around them.” Sam and George share a glance that says “I know where this is going, but don’t lose your cool yet, bro.” Reverend Alden rehashes the Turn the Other Cheek adage and reminds people that it works 99% of the time. But every so often that 1% happens when the “devil is in our midst” and no nobility will protect you from the devil’s bidding.

George decides that this would be the right place to interject and ask if the Reverend is slurring the Galender name. Reverend Alden steps down from the dais and says that he is doing more than that. He commends the children for teaching the town the lesson it needed to fight against the devil’s work. Sam asks the preacher what he plans to do. “I intend to see you out of this church and out of this community.” Sam scoffs at this and tells Reverend Alden that it looks like he is still standing alone. Reverend Alden then grabs Sam, swings him around and slams him against the wall and Dirty Harry’s an “am I?” George stands up, but Mr. Edwards grabs him and throws him towards a group of men. We see a close up of a roughed up Bubba who is unsure of how to proceed. Sam can tell the game is over and assures the Reverend that they’ll be gone by nightfall. “You’ll go now,” commands Reverend Alden. He deputizes Mr. Edwards to handle the eviction and directs Caroline to lead the ladies in a hymn.

And now: The Walnut Grove Congregation Choir will accompany this afternoon’s eviction with “Onward Christian Soldier”. A-one, a-two, a-you know what to do.

Bully Boys 4/5

Caroline runs into the house as Charles chases after her in the wagon. I guess they crossed paths at some point as she ran home. Charles runs in after his wife and asks “what’s the matter?” She tries to shake it off but he still wants to know what’s wrong. Charles notices that Caroline’s skirt is a mess and she tries to regain her composure. He can tell that she has been crying and asks her what happened. Caroline’s eyes well up again when she tells him she broke the eggs. Charles knows that she would not get worked up over something like that and prods her some more. “It was my fault, Charles,” she says. “If I just sold them the eggs like they wanted...” Charles stops her and asks if “them” refers to the Galenders. Caroline then goes on to tell her husband that she couldn’t just walk past them because they grabbed her. You can almost hear the “snap” in Charles’ brain when she tells the story. The old timey music with the “boing boing” takes a minor key as Charles storms out of the house.

The team of horses races over to the Galender shack. Sam and George are splitting wood outside. George is complaining about the task and says that Bubba should be doing the work. As Sam tells his brother to quit griping, he notices a wagon quickly approaching his house. Hmm, Pissed Charles Ingalls versus Two Brothers (One with an Axe). This is going to be awesome. Charles gets out of the wagon and George greets him with the most obnoxious buddy-buddy routine possible. Charles tells them he isn’t there for a social call and follows Sam inside the shack. George stands in the doorway behind Charles. Mr. Ingalls asks who put their hands on Caroline. Sam takes a swig from a canteen before adopting the play dumb route of “was that Mrs. Ingalls?” He continues by saying “you’re a lucky man; she’s a handsome woman. Soft, too.” George takes off his hat and adds, “real soft, you said.”

Charles waits a beat before he grabs a chair that was sitting on top of a table for some reason and swings it behind him, hitting George right over the head. George falls over and Charles closes and locks the door behind him. Sam runs over and grabs Charles, but Mr. Ingalls just starts punching. We see George recovering from his hit as we hear the ruckus from inside the shack. Sam calls for help and the view keeps switching from outside, where George is trying to figure out a way in, and inside where Charles is totally kicking ass. Charles manages to pin Sam to the ground and starts making music on Galender’s face. After the sixth or seventh punch, George kicks in the back door and Charles looks up.

Meanwhile, Mr. Edwards is bumbling around the countryside. He sees the Ingalls’ wagon and team running down the road but there doesn’t appear to be a driver. Mr. Edwards runs over and gets the team to stop. Once stopped, Mr. Edwards hops into the wagon to see what’s going on and notices a heavily beaten Charles. I guess Sam got a second wind.

Little Women 2/5

Laura, Mary and Ginny are walking home and talking about the day’s events. Ginny is really excited about getting the chance to see the inside of the Oleson house. I watch HGTV every now and then, but I don’t understand what would be so great about seeing the Olesons’ place. Of course, I never had the desire to watch MTV Cribs, so maybe it’s just a personal taste thing. The Ingalls girls tell Ginny that it is a pretty snazzy place, and with that little nugget to look forward to Ginny runs home. Laura complains some more about Nellie joining the group, but Mary shares the observation that Ginny was really excited about the opportunity to go to Nellie’s house. “That’s like wanting to go to Hell instead of Heaven,” Laura snarks.

We rejoin Ginny who starts waving at someone as she approaches her house. It’s Mr. Mayfield and he is happy to see Ginny. He jumps down from the wagon and tells Ginny about a honey bee tree that he found. “I thought to myself ‘who likes honey better than bears and bees’,” he tells Ginny. “Me!” she replies. Are they about to burst into song? Mr. Mayfield reaches into the wagon and grabs a couple of jars of honey for Ginny and her mom. Ginny invites Mr. Mayfield inside, but he seems hesitant to accept. Ginny runs inside to drop off the honey and fetch her mother.

Ginny’s mom was watching everything through the kitchen window and seems to disapprove of what is going on. Once Ginny is inside she can’t get two words out before her mom tells her to tell Mr. Mayfield that he shouldn’t have bothered. Ginny tells her mom that he is waiting for a thank you, but the mom says the honey is for Ginny and she should go thank him. Wow, mom is playing really hard to get. Ginny goes outside and tells Mr. Mayfield “my Ma says to thank you.” He looks crestfallen that he had to hear it from a messenger. He goes on to mention that he noticed their wood pile getting low and offers to help out, but Ginny’s Ma calls from inside to “tell him no.” Mr. Mayfield seems to get the hint and takes his leave. Wow, how often do you get a show with a plot that revolves around quaternary characters?

Ginny goes back inside and tells her Ma that she thinks Mr. Mayfield is awful nice. Ginny’s Ma doesn’t really respond to this. Ginny goes on to tell her about the play at school and who is in her group. “Doesn’t sound like school studies to me,” she responds. Ginny sort of half agrees, saying that even Miss Beadle referred to it as “entertainment”. When Ginny mentions that all the parents are invited to watch the plays, her Ma complains that entertainment would take time away from work. That’s...sort of the point of entertainment. Ginny begs her Ma to come to the play, but Ma goes on this spiel about how since Pa died it’s been nothing but work. Ginny pleads some more, saying it is only a morning and the other parents will be there. Ma doesn’t like the idea of mingling with the other parents, and besides she doesn’t have a dress for the occasion. Ginny asks one more time, but her Ma sends her off to do chores. Why do the parents in this town suck?

It’s dinner time at the Oleson house. The conversation seems to be about logistics for this whole play thing and Harriet has determined that the Mercantile will have to be closed Friday morning. Nels is leery about the lost business, but if most of the people in town are watching the plays anyway I don’t see what the big deal is. Harriet tries to lay some guilt on Nels, saying that not only will it be Nellie’s stage debut but Harriet’s writing debut as well. Apparently Harriet is the only person in Walnut Grove who has been to a play and therefore understands all the intricacies of effective writing for the stage. I guess I won’t need to bother with that screenwriting class I was looking at, seeing as how I watch TV. Nels seems pretty ambivalent about the whole thing until the subject of Willie’s part comes up. Willie doesn’t want to be in Little Women, so Nels suggests an adaptation of the new bestseller Tom Sawyer. Finally – a reference point for when this show actually takes place (1876ish). Nellie sneers that none of the other boys will want to be in a play with Willie, which he counters with a promise of licorice bribes. Nels warns his son that he can’t buy friends. I guess it’s the hermit’s life for Willie, then.

The next day, we see Willie frantically begging his former Ants to join him in the Tom Sawyer adaptation. The Ants aren’t interested at all, especially since Willie wants to be the lead. I wish “drama queen” was a more gender neutral term, as it applies equally to all genders. Willie promises the Ants licorice and sarsaparilla if they join up, but they are still a little dubious. Then, one of the 12-year-old Ants remembers that the Mercantile has a wide assortment of chewing tobacco and cigars and offers their services in exchange for some chaw. Chaw is so gross. Smoking I can deal with, but any activity that requires public spitting is just distasteful in my book. Anyway, Willie agrees and the guys start looking over the book.

Laura, Mary and Ginny stop by the mill to say hi to Charles, Mr. Edwards, and Mr. Mayfield. Pa asks about the rehearsal, but Laura says they haven’t received their parts yet. Mr. Mayfield asks which play and when they tell him, Mr. Edwards makes a joke about some midget he saw in St. Louis and it cracks everyone up. Except me. Confession time: I’ve been purposely avoiding the Mr. Edwards episodes that have been coming up because I really don’t have the patience to deal with his character. I’ll have to get to it eventually, but if you’re a fan you might have to wait a while. Ginny invites Mr. Mayfield to the show and he agrees. He asks if Ginny’s mom will be there, but Ginny is not optimistic.

The school bell rings and the girls run off to class. Mr. Mayfield compliments Ginny and her mom and Mr. Edwards starts teasing him about being lovesick. Charles asks Mr. Mayfield if he fancies Widow Clark, but Mr. Mayfield says that she doesn’t seem to notice. Mr. Edwards suggests that Mr. Mayfield be direct with her “and then you tell her how it’s gonna be.” Guh, shut up, Mr. Edwards. Charles then pretends to greet Mr. Edwards’s wife and he and Mr. Mayfield leave while Isaiah sputters around drunkenly, or something.