The Camp-Out 5/5

Charles and Nels are still searching for their daughters. After a few barks from Jack, we rejoin the girls on their White Water Adventure. Nellie manages to put aside her sense of survival to whine and pout some more. She’s like a more annoying version of Willie from Temple of Doom.

Charles calls out for Laura while Nels skips a stone on the river. Jack starts to freak out and bark at the bushes where Nellie fell in. I think there’s a dog that could benefit from some Lassie training. Charles spots Laura’s leaf bag and both men start to get a bit more concerned. Charles speculates that the girls are probably farther downstream, but that causes Nels to suppose that they might have fallen into the river. Charles tells Nels not to “chase shadows”, which I think is a little unfair.

The girls enter another set of rapids and manage to avoid slamming into rocks again. I call no waysies. We then see a series of waterfalls that the girls are sort of approaching. Of course, they end up taking a fork in the river, so they were never in any (additional) danger. Laura manages to steer the bush towards a tree branch that just happens to be in a shallow part of the river. She forces Nellie to accept the branch as a means of escape from the river, but not after a bout of extreme whining. Shut up, Nellie. Lemmings have a stronger sense of self-preservation than this girl.

As the girls reach the shore, the bush floats over towards the waterfalls and gets swallowed up by the white water. Let’s just pretend they were in danger, shall we? Ooooo! Ahhhh! Ahem. After a short breather, Nellie starts blaming Laura for bumping her into the water, attempting to drown her, and then causing her to cry because she can’t swim. It is at this point that I first notice that Nellie has a rather nasty snaggletooth. Laura tells Nellie to stop bawling, but to no avail. Nellie complains about freezing, but Laura suggests that walking back will probably warm her up. Actually, I don’t think that’s the recommended treatment for hypothermia.

Caroline surveys the river as Harriet walks over. They acknowledge that several hours have passed. Harriet takes responsibility for the whole situation, saying that it was her idea to have Nels finagle an invitation for the Olesons. Caroline says she kinda figured that out already, much to Harriet’s surprise. Harriet still thinks that if she were a better person, this situation would never have presented itself. Caroline’s response: “It takes two to argue.” Love ya, Caroline! Harriet promises to Caroline that if/when the girls come back, she will strive to be a better person. So if the girls don’t come back, you’ll strive to be more like this?

Mary is on calamine duty with Willie. After she applies some goop to his elbow, Willie tells Mary that she doesn’t seem as mean as Nellie says she is. He even goes so far as to call Mary nice. As Mary starts to confess about the poison ivy debacle, Charles bellows that he has found the girls. Everyone runs over to hug the girls. Laura says they rode the rapids, followed by Nellie blaming the Ingalls girl for pushing her off the riverbank. Laura is outraged, but then Nellie accuses her of pushing her head underwater. Mrs. Oleson returns to her regular Orange Threat Level self and chastises Laura. She then tells Willie to share all his leaves with Nellie since she lost all of hers in the river. Even the special leaves. Mary and Laura smile at this.

Back in Walnut Grove, Miss Beadle is ready to announce whose collections won out. She says they came from two students. Mary and Laura perk up, but it is Willie and Nellie who won. Miss Beadle leads the class in a round of tepid applause. The kids turn around and…hey! They stole my Halloween costume! Miss Beadle starts itching her neck. Laura and Mary look at each other but don’t say anything. Are they the only two people in Walnut Grove who can recognize poison ivy? Wah wah.

The Camp-Out 4/5

The next morning Willie and Harriet are covered in some homemade paste that Caroline applies. Laura and Mary watch as the Olesons scratch themselves. Thank God for TV – that is not my idea of entertainment. Harriet tells Willie to stop scratching, causing Laura to smirk. Mrs. Oelson wonders aloud why she and her son are the only ones to be affected. Well, if you let Willie share his treasure trove then everyone would be complaining. Happy now, Harriet? Mary doesn’t offer my answer and instead uses the semi-rhetorical question as an opportunity to exit before she shares her knowledge about the poison ivy.

Nels saunters over and asks his wife if there is anything he can do to help her. She tells her husband not to worry and to go fishing as if nothing were wrong. Strange, but there is no air of a guilt trip when Harriet says this. Nels notices this too, so he and Charles scamper off before Harriet has another change of heart.

Later along the riverbank, we see Laura and Mary running towards more leaves. Nellie yells for the girls to wait up so she can “search” along with them. Mary suggests that they split up to maximize their leaf count. Nellie decides to continue to tag along with Laura. It’s probably for the best – we don’t want Nellie to get eaten by a panda bear drinking from the Danube now, do we?

Jack leads the way down a narrow path along the river. Laura gingerly walks towards a leaf but Nellie swoops in and snatches it. Farther down the path, Nellie spots some leaves right by the river’s edge. Laura calls over to Nellie, telling her to be careful. Nellie scoffs at this. A moment later she screams as she lowers herself, er, “falls” into the water. Laura runs over to grab the girl, but the bush that Nellie was holding onto uproots and pulls both of the girls into the rapids. Of course. Jack barks in disapproval.

Back at camp, Charles swoops in to steal a sandwich from a stack that Caroline had prepared. He asks how the leaf hunters are doing and his wife reports that Mary came back but Laura and Nellie were still out and about. Charles checks in with Mary to see her leaf collection. Over at the Oleson side of the camp, Harriet tells Nels that lunch is almost ready so he should call for Nellie. He looks around a bit before asking Mary if she has seen his daughter. Mary says she hasn’t, but she found Jack nearby so the girls must be around somewhere. Charles and Nels decide to go look for the girls.

Meanwhile downstream, Laura and Nellie cling to the bush as the rapids carry them. “We’ll have to wait until it gets shallow,” Laura says. Nelly whines at an ear-piercing frequency about not being able to swim. After navigating past a fallen tree trunk, we enter into an homage to Deliverance. If anyone tells Nellie that she has a purty mouth, I am so done with this project. Despite the bush’s incredibly weak roots, the girls manage to hang on and not slam into any rocks…so far…

A Matter of Faith 5/5

Establishing shot of the house as seen through the open barn door. Inside the house, Caroline is using the table to lift herself up to the medicine cabinet. Horse linament? No -- she grabs a smaller bottle and starts chugging. After she takes whatever medicine was in that bottle, Caroline looks over at the table and sees the key to the front door. She slowly works her way across the table and grabs the key. We’re zoomed in on her hand, specifically her wedding ring, as Caroline struggles to reach the door. Once there she unlocks it, opens the door and goes outside. She steps with her right leg and drags her left (which is even grosser looking than before) and grabs some firewood.

Later, Caroline is sitting by the fireplace and is pulling a soaking cloth out of a kettle over the fire. She takes a moment before she throws the hot, wet cloth onto the wound. Caroline probably should have grabbed a wooden spoon to bite into before doing that. She does grab onto the rocking chair as the pain courses through her body. More wedding ring close-ups.

Then Charles, in his red full body underwear, swings on a rope and jumps into a lake. Laura is next to go. Really show? White nightgowns for the girls, the oldest of which is 14? I understand that those were probably the style of the time, but from a filming perspective WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Anyway, Laura and Pa are laughing and tell Mary to hop in. Mary’s all pensive, saying she doesn’t want her head to go underwater. She asks Pa to make sure he’ll catch her and he promises. He then crosses fingers on both hands and shows them to Laura in a way that even Mary should have been able to see but she doesn’t. And no, she isn’t blind yet. Mary grabs onto the rope, swings, and Pa completely misses his daughter. Mary isn’t too bothered by it, saying it was fun. Laura takes another turn and there is more laughter. Then Pa says they should get cleaned up before Reverend Alden shows up.

Meanwhile, Caroline is contemplating her current predicament. She looks like she has an idea and grabs her Bible. She starts flipping through it as if it were a magazine with a really good recipe for gingerbread. She’s found the passage she was looking for (here it is for those playing along at home). We get a closeup of the passage, then we see Caroline reading the passage aloud, then we get a tighter closeup with a literal spotlight on the phrase “cut it off”. Caroline thinks about it for a moment, then a third closeup with “cut it off” completely filling the frame. But it’s not your foot – it’s your leg. Caroline doesn’t seem to care about that argument, instead looking around the room for the sharpest thing she can find. She gets out of the chair and hobbles over to the drawer to get the dullest knife she can find. Yuck, self-amputation is bad enough but that knife is going to make it take forever. Caroline drags herself back to the Bible to reread the passage, knife in hand.

A babbling brook, some swimming ducks, and the Ingalls family playing Blind Man’s Bluff nearby. Charles is wearing the blindfold as the kids and Jack taunt Pa. Laura sneaks behind him to snap his suspenders while Jack bites at his feet. Did Jack read that passage, too? Charles eventually grabs Carrie and tries to guess who he has. He jokes about feeling whiskers on her face and guesses Mr. Edwards. Cute. Pa takes off the blindfold and says “It’s Carrie! How are you?” What’s funny is it works both as a daddy/daughter moment and a “oh, you’re still on the show?” moment.

Laura and Mary notice a wagon approaching and Charles can see that it is Reverend Alden. The family goes to greet the Reverend and Mrs. Foster. Alden tells Mary and Laura that their Ma’s pies were the first items to sell at the fundraiser bringing in $4. Alden takes some of the credit, boasting about his salesmanship. Uh huh. Charles approaches and asks if Caroline changed her mind about making the trip, but the Reverend thought she left early to join the family. Ruh roh. Charles is surprised that there wasn’t even a note but the reverend tells him he need not worry. Um, actually, that is exactly why you should be concerned. Charles decides to go home to check things out.

Back at the chop shop, Caroline’s leg is still attached but she is preparing for some unpleasantness. She has tied a spoon around her leg and seems ready to do what she believes she has to do. She moves the knife blade into the fire. Then we fade to a Scrubbing Bubbles commercial.

On the road back to the house a neighbor stops Charles. Apparently the Ingalls cow has been causing all sorts of trouble. Charles is surprised that Caroline has come to retrieve the animal. While the neighbor passive-aggressively complains about the cow, Charles decides to pick up the pace to return to the house. When Charles arrives he finds Caroline passed out on the floor. I don’t see any blood, but I also don’t see Caroline’s legs.

That night, Laura looks through the window into the bedroom as Doc Baker examines his patient. She walks over to join Pa and Mary, commenting that she has never seen her Ma that sick. Mary asks if Ma is going to die, but Pa tells her not to talk like that yet saying “God takes care of those that love him.” Laura suggests they all pray with all their hearts before she starts to cry.

Charles goes inside and sees Reverend Alden holding a sleeping Carrie in the rocking chair. The Reverend looks like he has seen better days. Outside, Mary and Laura are comforting one another. In the bedroom, Charles is praying at the foot of the bed while Doc Baker changes out Caroline’s wet cloths.

Sunrise the next day. Yet another closeup of Caroline’s wedding ring as her hand reaches over to touch Charles’s hand. He fell asleep at the foot of the bed, but his wife’s touch wakes him right up. Charles calls for Doc Baker who pronounces the fever broken. He says if Caroline didn’t open the infection when she did she probably would have lost her leg or even died. Instead, the prognosis is significantly better. Doc Baker goes out to tell the girls the good news. The Reverend overhears this as he stands watch outside the house. Doc Baker walks over and confides that he would have had a tough time making the decision that Caroline did. “How she picked exactly the right moment … only God knows,” says Baker. “I’m sure he does,” the Reverend replies. The entire family is now gathered around their recovering Ma. Aww, Deus ex Machina works in mysterious ways.

A Matter of Faith 4/5

A song of mourning plays as we return to Casa di Tetanus. There is a close up of an unlit lantern sitting on the mantle that we pan down from to find Caroline, who is writhing in her rocking chair. She decides to take a look at the wound and we switch to her POV. Ew, if her discolored foot is any indication you may want to wait until the end of your lunch break to finish reading this. No joke, y’all, it’s about to get unpleasant. Caroline slowly lifts up the nightshirt to reveal the now festering and pus encrusted wound. Even Caroline, who I look to as a model of resilience, seems a bit squicked out by what her leg looks like. She looks across the room and things get all squiggly again. Caroline decides to go for the scarf hanging by the door but after about two hobbles she falls to the ground. It would have been funny if it was Mary.

The next day a drove of piglets are snacking out of a trough while one is checking out the open bar that is the mama pig. Mary is holding a different piglet while Carrie pets its snout and Laura is petting Carrie’s hair. Mary says not to scratch too hard since it is a baby. Who is she talking to? Oh, Laura is now interacting with the pig as well. “PigglywigglyI’lltakehimhomeandputhiminmybed,” Carrie...says? Laura tells her that probably won’t be happening. Over at the smokehouse Charles is chit chatting with the pigs’ owner about the quality of the meat. The owner notices how the girls are interacting with the piglet and jokes about a new member in the Ingalls family. He says something as he takes the pig from Mary’s hands but the piglet acts like every other piglet on TV and starts to freak the fuck out. Laura tells Pa that Carrie wants to take the semi-subdued beast home, but Charles says they can’t because the piglet needs to stay with its mom. “ButMarysayswecanfeeditwithabottle,” Carrie “says”. Mary Ingalls sucks at weaning. Ha! Charles is giving his eldest daughter a look that agrees with that sentiment. Pa firmly says that the pig must stay and grow up on the farm. “Thenwherewillitgo?” Pa stammers as he tries to euphemize porcine university (Go Razorbacks!) before the farmer cuts in and says the pig will find a lady friend and raise a family. This satisfies Carrie so Pa uses that as a cue for the family to skedaddle. Carrie waves goodbye to the piggly wiggly.

Back at the homestead Reverend Alden and Mrs. Foster are arriving to pick up the baked goods. I’m surprised the ones sitting outside weren’t ruined by the storm. The Reverend knocks on the door and calls out for Mrs. Ingalls. She is a bit indisposed at the moment, having not yet regained consciousness from where she fell the night before. Oh good, she starts to come around as the pies are transferred. Ick, another unnecessary extreme close-up of Caroline’s eye. She can hear the Reverend and Mrs. Foster chatting outside but all she can focus on is the window shutter that is slightly ajar. Oh goodness, Caroline is dragging herself across the floor. First off, couldn’t she just call out so that they know she’s in there? Also, the door is closer than the window and jiggling the doorknob is a bit more helpful of a signal. The cameraman is careful not to have the door in the shot but still – it’s a little house, show.

Uh oh, Reverend Alden has loaded the last pie and Caroline is still crawling. She manages to reach the window shutter and opens it just as the Reverend’s wagon is driving away. I will say the execution of this shot is quite lovely, but the circumstances make me say “hmmm”. Caroline says nothing as she has another spasm of extreme pain. She struggles to pull herself up by grabbing onto the table but eventually gets a grip on the rolling pin instead. She smashes the window with the pin, but since no one is nearby it doesn’t really help her situation. Caroline, who is looking a lot like Jodie Foster at the moment, is sitting up and starting to cry.

A Matter of Faith 3/5

Caroline eventually comes to but there’s no indication as to how much time has passed. It is still raining and when she looks over to the house it looks all squiggly and out of focus. Also, there’s a cat on a Theremin. Caroline struggles to pull herself up and she staggers over to the house. Once inside, she tries to towel herself off and takes refuge in front of the fireplace. She slips off her skirt and it is revealed that the poultice has moved down her leg revealing the full extent of the gash. Yikes! That cut is at least four inches long and who knows how deep.

Charles and the kids are also caught in the storm, but they have a tent sent up alongside their wagon. Not exactly ideal campout weather, but it looks like they’re going to try to make the most of it. As Pa serves dinner he guesses that Caroline is having “the time of her life” with the house all to herself. It’ll be memorable I’ll give him that.

We cut back to Caroline who has her hair down and is dressed in one of Charles’s nightshirts. That was me about a week or so ago after I got caught in the rain. It’s almost liberating – like you have a frumpiness license. Anyway, she is shivering as she lights a match. She has something wrapped in paper that she lights on fire with the match. Hmm, WebMD doesn’t say anything about pyromania being a symptom of gangrene. Oh, we get a closeup of the paper she is burning and see the article that Charles was reading earlier. Caroline looks over at the door but then a clap of thunder freaks her out and the room gets all blurry and out of focus. Many close-ups of Caroline’s eye before she hobbles over to lock the door. That seems like a bad idea. Maybe Caroline’s thought process is that she won’t be able to defend herself but chances are the storm would be enough to keep any would-be thieves at bay. Besides, no one likes to steal wet stuff. After slamming the window shutters closed, Caroline turns around, takes two steps and buckles under the pain in her leg. She’s able to hobble over to the fireplace and stoke the fire a bit. Speaking of fire, what was the purpose of burning the paper earlier?

Some water is dripping down onto the lip of a pot as Caroline is reapplying some bandaging on the wound. She looks like she could use a nice cup of hot tea. She wraps a shawl around her shoulders and starts to read her bible. Rather, she tries to read but the camera makes it all blurry and tricky. Knock it off, camera. Caroline is a little overwhelmed at this point and has to take a bit of a breather before continuing. Good idea.

A Matter of Faith 2/5

Caroline takes another tasty looking pie out of the oven. When she sets it on the table she feels a twinge in her leg. She checks the wound and...Caroline Marie! You don’t even have that thing bandaged? She goes over to a loaf of bread and grabs a hunk of it. After she dunks the bread in a pitcher of water we cut to Caroline finishing tying a cloth around the wound. Hmm, apparently this is a remedy called a “Bread Poultice”. I had no idea. Once Caroline is all bandaged up she gets back to her baking project. Without washing her hands. Ew.

Later on we see her placing a pie on the outdoor cooling shelf. Wow, she’s got a lot done – there are at least seven pies cooling. Caroline looks a little winded, but I’m not sure if it is from her leg or from working with a hot oven all day long. As she stands around to get a second wind Doc Baker is riding by. She calls his attention and he asks if Charles is around. Caroline tells the Doc that Charles and the kids are out of town for the weekend, which disappoints the Doc because he was hoping Charles could fix a squeaky wheel. Caroline invites the Doc in for some pie (not a euphemism) and he decides to take the offer. As they walk towards the house, Doc Baker notices that Caroline is barefoot and looking a little flushed. Are bare feet a symptom? So that’s what was wrong with all the hippies during undergrad. Doc Baker asks if there is anything wrong and Caroline doesn’t think there is. She does mention that she cut her leg and shows the bread poultice. Doc Baker is all “that’s what I would have prescribed” but offers to look at Caroline’s leg just in case.

Just as the two are about to enjoy some pie, a man rides up to the house calling for the Doc. The man kvetches about not being able to find the Doc before explaining that his son Toby fell out of a loft and broke his arm. As Doc Baker leaves Caroline asks if there is anything she can to do help, but the man says that won’t be necessary. Caroline looks pained, but I don’t think it is from the rejection.

Doc Baker finishes putting a sling on Toby while giving his “You’re Very Lucky” lecture. Toby’s Ma is all like “the boy won’t listen!” so Doc Baker tells the kid point blank not to get out of bed for two weeks. As they leave the bedroom, Toby’s Ma invites Doc Baker to stay for dinner. At first he declines because he has a few more calls to make, but then Toby’s Pa comes in and says that storms are rolling through and the Doc probably won’t be able to make it back to Walnut Grove. Sounds like Doc Baker is crashing for the night.

Speaking of crashing, it looks like Caroline has hit a wall. She looks really out of it. You can tell she doesn’t really want to move, but there’s something mooing outside (presumably a cow) and she goes to the window to investigate. Yup, the cow is still outside in the pouring rain. That sounds like the start of a country song. Anyway, Caroline wraps herself in some rain gear and runs outside to lead the cow back to the barn. The cow is not having any of it and puts up a fight. Caroline is pretty soaked and worn out at this point and has to sit down to take a breather. The cow looks over and stands around as if nothing is wrong. Hmm, the camera goes out of focus for a moment. Sinister violin music starts to play shortly before Caroline passes out in the rain. If she is already under the weather this development is not going to improve Caroline’s situation. Rather than help, the cow calmly walks away. Cows suck.

The Aftermath 2/5

That night at dinner, Caroline shares her reservations about Mary's new job. She doesn't like the fact that her daughter will be running errands for complete strangers, particularly one who is sick and may be contagious. I have to admit, it is a little weird for Caroline to be this judgmental. I could see her not liking that money is changing hands, but to dislike the idea of helping others outright seems a bit out of character for her. Charles assures his wife that Hobbes isn't contagious because swamp fever isn't contagious. She asks if he is certain it is swamp fever. Charles says no and is smart enough to leave out the conversation he had with Doc Baker earlier. Caroline declares that until there is a diagnosis, Mary may not work for the new guys. Mary starts to whine before Pa interjects that he will take Doc Baker to the Hanson Suites and get Hobbes checked out. Caroline approves of this compromise. I'm glad that Charles is already improving his negotiation skills.

As promised, Charles and Doc Baker ride out to the house the next day. Charles stays on the buckboard as Doc Baker knocks on the door. There is no answer at first, so he knocks again. P.K./Jesse asks "who is it?" and opens the door once Doc Baker identifies himself. They chat a bit about Hobbes' symptoms and the Doc says he is concerned about the convulsions. P.K. agrees with him but goes on to say that Hobbes has an overwhelming fear of doctors. Perhaps he has haphephobia (fear of being touched), trypanophobia (fear of inoculations), or scopophobia (fear of being looked at). Or maybe he just doesn't believe doctors in 1880 know what they're doing. Anyway, P.K./Jesse says that there's no way that Hobbes will consent to any procedure. Doc Baker just offers a polite reminder that his office door is always open if they change their minds.

Carrie is trying to read a book while Model U.N. bickers behind her. Miss Beadle begins banging her shoe on the desk to try to silence the maddening crowd. We don't actually see her do this, but you can hear her trying to restore order. She reiterates that the discussion at hand is about the causes of the Civil War and not finding the source of blame for the conflict. Mary raises her hand, stands up, and makes a speech about how the question of right or wrong is too deeply entwined with the factors that caused the war. First, there should be more standing in school when someone is making a point. Second, what she said would have carried far more weight at my school if she prefaced it with "I think I feel that..." Either way, Miss Beadle shuts her down by saying that it is possible to separate the two if one looks at why people felt the way they did rather than choosing up sides. A boy sitting behind Mary raises his hand, and before Miss Beadle calls on Bobby, he stands up and says "I SAY THE NORTH WON BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT." He then calls out Mary for being sympathetic to the South's justifications for the war. Oh historical discourse, how I don't really miss you all that much. This triggers another round of shrieky bickering before Miss Beadle tells both of them to cool it and sit down.

After they sit, Bobby gets a monologue about how his family was raped, murdered, then raped again by the South. Uh, I'm paraphrasing. This whole time I'm just trying to see if Nellie is able to stay awake because she is struggling to do so. By the end of the story, Laura, Mary and Miss Beadle are all visibly uncomfortable. Miss Beadle states that this project may end up being canceled since it is getting a bit too personal for people. Weak. In my creative writing class in twelfth grade, we had to write a "poem" to someone we haven't spoken to in a very long time. Since my creative writing does not include poetry I decided to write something assy and sassy as a form of protest (something I did quite often in that class). Fortunately, the sharing of these assignments started at the other end of the classroom with people who took it a bit more seriously than I. One girl wrote to her sister who was buried. The teacher thought she said "married", but was soon corrected when the girl said, in the way one would discuss American Idol results, "no, miss, she was murdered." Take a lesson from THAT, Miss Beadle. Oh, and before she dismisses class Miss Beadle says they will vote on whether or not to continue tomorrow. What is with democratizing education all of a sudden, show?

Over at the mill, Mary stops by to say hi to Pa and talk about what happened at school. Laura and Carrie are sitting in the background and it just occurred to me that neither one has said a word yet this episode. I'm used to it with Carrie, but Laura has been present in three scene and hasn't made a peep. Anyway, Pa informs Mary that she can start working. Why would Caroline change her mind since Doc Baker did not examine the patient? I think the introduction of Jesse James has sent Walnut Grove into Bizarro World.

We rejoin Mary as she folds the sheets that were covering the furniture in the Hanson Condo. P.K./Jesse finishes up a grocery list and gives it to Mary. Hobbes also asks her to pick up any history books that might be available. Mary completely geeks out at this point and asks if he knows anything about the Civil War. He says he does and tells her they both fought for the South. "That's wonderful!" gushes Mary. She corrects herself, saying that she is trying to get information about the South's perspective but everything is told from the North's point of view. History is written by the victors, Mary. P.K./Jesse asks what she wants to know. Mary replies that she wanted to find out their perspective on the Quantrill's Raiders story that Bob Ford told in class. Why does that name sound familiar? Hobbes says that both sides did terrible things and asks Mary if she ever heard of something called Rule 11. P.K. tries to shush his partner, but Hobbes continues.

We find out about Rule 11 from Mary's report at school the following day. Basically, families in the region affected by Quantrill's Raiders had to prove their loyalty to the North or move out of the Missouri territory. This resulted in a great number of people relocating. Also, the abandoned property was looted and torched and many of the homeless and displaced were killed by Union soldiers. That is what we in the biz would call a PR nightmare. Bobby calls it a lie and challenges Mary but Miss Beadle interrupts to say that she knew about Rule 11. Bobby asks what does Mary's report prove and Mary replies that it shows that both sides did some pretty nasty shit. Bobby, the proto-neo-con, says those people affected by Rule 11 deserved it because they were traitors. The whole class is all like "really, dude? Just stop." Laura just shakes her head in shame, still not saying a word.

The Aftermath 1/5

Pa and Mary are riding the wagon into town. Mary is prattling on about what the class has been covering in their history lessons. Specifically, discussing both sides of the Civil War. Pa is not too enthusiastic about the subject matter since the war has only been over for eleven years. Yes, what better way to begin learning from the mistakes of history by not engaging in the analysis as soon as possible. No offense, Charles, but that's the first step towards ignorance.

As the wagon pulls into town a man is shouting "good news!" repeatedly. I don't think you can count your time in Walnut Grove as part of your missionary quota, mister. Oh, it's a newspaper delivery man saying that Jesse James and his gang were involved in a botched bank robbery. A couple of the gang members were killed and Jesse's brother was shot in the leg. "Murdering, thieving scum," says one man who may or may not be Patrick Stewart, judging by the voice and delivery. Nels is holding the stack of papers and meekly reminds everyone that each issue is a penny as they walk away. Poor Nels.

Charles walks over to Mrs. Foster at the post office. A man in a brown suit is sitting on a bench outside the service window and he doesn't look well. It looks as if he may throw up but instead opts to fall out of the bench. Charles catches the man before he hits the ground. A blond man, unloading a wagon, sees the commotion and rushes over. Once the man in the brown suit sits back up, he blames his condition on swamp fever. A couple other people, including Mary and Mr. Hanson, stop by to make sure everyone is all right. The blond man says that the sick guy just needs to rest up for a few days. The blond man introduces himself as P.K. Dankworth and the man in brown as Mr. Hobbes. Charles introduces himself and his daughter to the two men. P.K. goes on to say that he and his partner were speculating nearby when Hobbes got sick. They wanted to get a hotel room but Mr. Hanson chimes in that the hotel is booked. P.K. is disappointed with the news and asks if there is another place they can stay. Mr. Hanson offers a house he can rent out for $4 a week. Hmmm, even in 1880's dollars that seems a little too low. P.K. doesn't seem to object though and hands Hanson some money.

Jonathan, who has also been watching this scene, takes another look at Hobbes and offers to get Doc Baker so he can take a look at him. Hobbes politely refuses as P.K. goes on to explain that they already know how to treat swamp fever. Jonathan seems a little wounded that he didn't get to help the new people in town and walks away with his tail between his legs. Charles offers to give the men a ride to the house. P.K. offers to pay Charles for his help but he replies "we don't charge neighbors." You know, that's how every other case on The People's Court gets started...

Whoa! It looks like the house that is rented out is the one that is later used for the blind school. $4 a week? That place is HUGE. Why can't Hanson be my landlord? Anyway, Mary and Charles help carry in Mr. Hobbes and his things. Everything is covered in sheets since no one has lived in the house for a while. Seriously? $4 a week, furnished, and they will have the entire building to themselves? I thought the place I just moved into was a steal but apparently I was wrong. Sorry, where was I? P.K. helps Hobbes onto the couch as Pa asks if they can be of any more assistance. He replies that they will need supplies so Charles offers to show them where the Mercantile is located. P.K. balks at this, saying that Hobbes' fever brings on convulsions so he would rather not leave his associate alone. He asks if it would be possible to hire Mary as an errand girl for twenty five cents a day. Mary's face lights up like a Christmas tree. Pa thinks for a moment before laying down some terms: Mary may only work after school and only for ten cents a day. Uh, Mary must take after her father because Charles Ingalls sucks at salary negotiations. Everyone seems happy with the deal, particularly Mary.

Charles is loading up some crates at the Mercantile. Doc Baker walks over and greets Charles and asks about the man with swamp fever. Charles says they didn't want to see a doctor since they already know how to deal with the fever and convulsions. Doc Baker was already concerned about the patients refusing treatment and now he is baffled as to how convulsions got mixed in with this. I guess that symptom doesn't mesh with the differential. Doc Baker leaves to consult his medical texts.

Back at the Hanson Arms, P.K. is removing a bloody bandage from Hobbes' leg. Hmmm, I don't think that's a symptom of swamp fever either. Hobbes calls P.K. "Jesse" and says that he is glad he avoided passing out earlier. P.K./Jesse agrees as he takes a look at the wound. Hobbes is glad that he only has a flesh wound, but he wonders how everything went wrong earlier. Hey, hiring Mary was Jesse's idea. Oh, they must mean the botched robbery, in which I think they may have been directly involved. They start discussing their Plan B since their gang is kaput. Right now the goal is to lay low and hopefully remain unrecognized until Hobbes' hobble is healed and then mosey on over to the Dakota to homestead or something. I think they would both agree that it won't be the most exciting endeavor, but at least there will be fewer bullets.

I'll Be Waving as You Drive Away 3/10

Night has fallen and Charles is out in the barn sanding a piece of wood (not a euphemism). Caroline walks in and says she wanted to come out and be lazy with her husband. He claims he is refinishing a cupboard door, but Caroline busts him saying the door doesn't need refinishing. Charles stops and mumbles "It's been three weeks -- she's getting worse, isn't she?" Caroline sighs and affirms.

We then hear some glass breaking and Laura screaming "Fire!" Charles and Caroline run into the house where one of the chairs is up in flames. Pa tells Ma to get a blanket, tells Laura not to throw water on the blaze and then grabs the chair and takes it out the front door. Caroline smothers the fire with the blanket as all three Ingalls girls stand by watching silently. Once the fire is out, Mary apologizes and Pa says there was no harm done. He asks what happened and Mary says she was trying to read but it was so dark that she went to get another lamp and she dropped it. You know, Mary is a bit of a fire bug. Caroline is comprehending the gravity of what is happening to her daughter, but she tries to play it off as Mary overworking herself. She offers Mary a cool cloth to help rest her eyes, but Mary decides to go to bed instead. Pa is listening and looks miserable. Wait a minute -- I don't think they've told Mary yet. Dude, it's been three weeks! Mary apologizes again before heading up to the loft. Caroline asks Laura to get a mop, but Half-Pint is not amused. "Me again? Mary gets to do anything she wants and I have to do all the work?" Sorry Laura: Mary's raw deal outweighs your raw deal. Charles yells at Laura to get the mop and she runs out of the house to retrieve it. Caroline sends Carrie to bed before rejoining Charles at the back window. He decides that they need to tell Mary the truth. Ya think? Caroline offers to do it, but Charles decides that he'll do it tomorrow.

Charles decides to head over to the church for some contemplation. It must be Saturday since Reverend Alden is there setting up the room for services the following morning. The Reverend takes a seat next to Charles and informs him that Doc Baker told him what is going on. I haven't really touched on this yet, but Doc Baker rarely takes patient privilege into account, like, ever. It's not like he blabs the news all over town, but even passing the news on to someone who also has a privilege relationship (religious privilege in this case) is still a breach. Charles doesn't seem as concerned about this as I am as he just sits there while the Reverend offers help. Charles asks "why doesn't God listen?" The Reverend replies that God always answers prayers, just not the way that we would want them answered. In other words, all of the operators are with other customers at the moment and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. I would not want to work at that switchboard. Anyway, the Reverend assures Charles that God has the best intentions with what he is doing, though Charles can't understand why taking away the sight of a fifteen-year-old seems like a good idea. Reverend Alden believes that Mary was chosen for some special purpose. Charles says he has to tell his daughter that she is going blind and that an undefined "special purpose" is not the most effective spin on the situation. The Reverend takes several moments to think about it, but Charles gets up and leaves before he can respond.

The next day, Mary is sitting by a stream reading a book with her reading glass. Ah yes, using a magnifying glass on a book when the sun is beaming down on you. Fire bug. Charles takes a seat next to his daughter and she puts the glass and book down before any of the pages begin to smolder. Mary notices that something is bothering her Pa and she asks if he is worried about the railroad strike. They talk a bit about the economic meltdown of Hero Township, but it becomes clear to Mary that her Pa is bothered about something else. Charles' voice starts to waver as he explains what the scarlet fever did to Mary's eyes. She asks if things will get better, but he finally breaks it to his daughter that she will eventually go blind. It should come as no surprise that Mary does not take the news well. I think the scarlet fever may have affected her tear ducts as well because her crying is really not all that convincing. Eventually Mary runs off as Pa absorbs what just happened.

I'll Be Waving as You Drive Away 2/10

The next morning, Charles arrives at the mill where Jonathan and Mr. Hanson seem a little despondent. Charles asks what the problem is and Mr. Hanson reports that the railroads are starting a war with the grangers. The trains are refusing to carry grain and not making any stops in Hero Township, which is bad news if you run a feed and seed business. Or a mercantile. Or a...well, I guess that's all the industry in Walnut Grove at this point. "You can't beat the railroads unless they want you to beat 'em," Mr. Hanson says in disgust. I think that was the third place entry in the Trustbuster Slogan contest, right after "Give 'em Hell, Tarbell" and "Colbert".

After dinner at the homestead, Charles is pacing while reading the newspaper. He rehashes the story for Caroline who asks if what the railroad is doing is legal. Charles gives the most accurate answer: "Legal or not, they're doing it." He says the grange is going to sue the railroad, which kicks Caroline's optimism into high gear. As they chat, Mary is trying to read a book with her nose about two inches from the table. Charles pushes the lamp towards her, but it doesn't help all that much. After Ma and Pa finish their conversation, he notices that Mary is still struggling with the book. She blames her trouble on shadows on the pages. Caroline asks if those are the new glasses and Mary says they are but not much better than her old ones. Charles says he thought they were okay and Mary says they were...at first. Caroline rolls her eyes that a new prescription would be that far off, but Charles says that Mary can go back to the eye doctor and get this resolved. A baby starts crying and Caroline goes to check on it.

At Doctor Burke's office, the eye doctor is taking an even closer look at Mary's eyes. He casually mentions that he had a sore throat last week, so it is a good thing Mary didn't come in. I didn't realize awkward conversation during an eye exam was a time-honored tradition. He clears his throat a couple of times as he looks at Mary's file. He asks if she has had any bad illnesses recently. "I had an operation once," she replies. "It was awful. Worse than when I had scarlet fever." This causes the doctor to perk up. Apparently the scarlet fever didn't make it onto the chart. Mary Ingalls sucks at providing thorough medical histories. She asks about her eyes and Doctor Burke hems and haws a bit before asking Mary to fetch her Pa.

Mary waits in the lobby as Charles enters the office. He takes a seat as Burke semi-admonishes Charles about holding back on the scarlet fever info. The doctor asks how bad it was and Pa is like "uh, scarlet-y? How bad does it have to be?" Burke informs Charles that the fever damaged Mary's nerves in the eye to the point that they won't recover. In fact, Mary is going blind. Charles is understandably stunned by the news. The doc also informs Pa that there is no treatment or medicine available. Charles tries to cling to some form of hope that something can be done, but Burke says it will have to be a miracle and he is fresh out of them. With hope no longer an option, Charles begins to cling to denial. He proposes that it is just extreme eye strain, but Burke shoots him down saying that rest may only delay the inevitable. Charles starts to sob as Burke continues to explain the reality of the situation. The doctor then heads to the desk to retrieve a reading glass that might be useful for the time being.

After Charles composes himself, he tells the doctor "you're wrong" and heads out the door. He paints a smile on his face as he rejoins his daughter. Mary asks what the doctor said and Charles replies "nothing important." Uh, there are times when it is okay to tell your kid a little white lie but I really don't think impending blindness qualifies as one of them. She asks about new glasses and Pa tries to sell her on the reading glass. Mary looks a little baffled at this solution. Meanwhile, Doctor Burke walks into frame and I'm waiting for him to admonish Charles for not being at all truthful in this conversation. Charles and Mary leave before the doctor can say anything.

The Raccoon 5/5

Laura and Mary are lying in bed. Mary asks her sister if she hates her. “Why should I hate you?” Laura asks. Oh, honey. Mary goes into a determinism monologue about how she brought Jasper into everyone’s life, she didn’t tell Pa about the bite initially, and then she did tell Pa after promising Laura she wouldn’t. Laura argues against all these points and tells Mary that she did what a sister should do. Mary then takes the approach that she broke a promise by telling Pa. Guh, I find people like this to be so tiresome. If you want to wallow in your failures, that’s your business, but don’t come to me to validate you. I did not RSVP for your itty bitty pity party, ok? Anyway, the girls go back and forth, swap “I love you’s”, cry, and start braiding each other’s hair.

Jack is trying to get some sleep in the barn but someone is rustling some hay and making a lot of noise. It’s Caroline, who is trying to work off some stress. She stops out of surprise when she sees Charles, but then they hug and he tells her everything will be all right. Mary calls from the stoop that Laura is thirsty. Caroline’s face lights up since Doc Baker said it would be a sign of progress, but Charles calms her down. Up in the loft, Charles helps Laura drink and then tucks her in. Jack starts barking again and the whole family looks at each other before looking out the window. Jack is jumping and barking and carrying on far more than usual. Charles closes the shutter as everyone holds back tears. He tells everyone to stay in the loft. Once downstairs he takes the gun off the coat rack and fills it with powder.

Charles slowly walks towards Jack and the barn as Caroline cradles her crying daughters. Jack is still carrying on once Charles arrives. I should point out that Hallmark thought it was appropriate to cut in at this point to advertise for Slim Fast, toilet paper, KFC, and the Scooter Store. Charles pulls back the hammer of the gun and starts to lift the barrel. Jack starts to whimper and back away. Pa is getting ready to aim when something jumps up behind him. He turns around and sees a raccoon. The raccoon does the face covering trick. Charles is so happy to see that it is Jasper, which means he wasn’t the rabid raccoon. Charles runs into the house and tells the family about the mix-up. It’s just like Three’s Company, except I don’t think Mr. Roper ever tried to shoot Jack in the face. Laura runs down to the barn to untie the dog. If you ignore the part about not being a complete plot resolution, happy ending!

The Raccoon 4/5

Mary and Carrie are sitting on the Ingalls’ wagon outside of Doc Baker’s office. Inside, the Doc examines Laura’s bite and asks when it happened (four days ago). “Well then we better start treatment immediately,” he says. He reaches for a jar of gumdrops and prescribes one for Laura. Doc Baker gives Laura a couple extra for her sisters and then sends her off so he can talk with the parents. After he closes the door behind the girl, Caroline says “Doctor, does she.” I’m guessing she was supposed to trail off or Doc was supposed to interrupt, but neither happens. He says it is too early to tell if there is a problem and advises that they watch the dog to see if any symptoms present. Basically by the time the dog goes through the entire Rabies ordeal Laura should start presenting. In other words, Laura should avoid the dog if she doesn’t want any spoilers. Caroline takes a breath before asking what the treatment is should Laura develop Rabies. I believe you just saw the treatment take place, Ma. Doc Baker just looks sternly at Charles who answers that there isn’t a treatment. Doc Baker looks down. I love how this show can turn a really stupid episode into a House/Old Yeller hybrid that is beyond over-the-top.

Back at the homestead, Caroline is tucking Laura in and tries to talk up all the perks of being bedridden. Laura can tell that there is something going on and asks what is going to happen to her. Caroline tells her daughter that nothing is going to happen aside from Laura getting plenty of rest. You’ll never win at poker with a face like that, Caroline. Caroline leaves to get some milk as Charles looks on. Laura asks her Pa for the truth, so he goes on to tell her that because a raccoon bit her she will develop dark circles around the eyes, pointy ears, and a craving for eggs. He leaves out the part about high fevers, seizures, and breathing spasms. Laura still knows what’s what and calls her Pa on this. She’s figured out that since Jasper bit Jack and Jack is tied up, that must mean that Pa thinks the dog might get sick, therefore Laura might get sick. The kid’s perceptive, I’ll give her that. They hug. Aww.

Jack is sitting in the barn and looking into a key light. Charles brought a bowl of water and sets it down in front of the dog. Jack takes one look at it and sashays to the left and politely sits down. Aiiiiieeee! Hydrophobia! Or, like the dogs I had growing up, total disinterest in anything I present it that isn’t classified as “doggy treat” or “meat”. Meanwhile, Caroline is in the loft and offers Laura some water. Or they’re playing Password. I’m a little confused, see if you can follow:

Laura: gigglingWater?
Ma: Drink.
Laura: Milk.
Ma: Cool.
Laura: Orange Juice
Ma: Water.

I don’t get what is going on there. Mary is sitting in the common room reading to Carrie as Charles returns from the barn. He looks up at Caroline and walks away. Laura says “Plow” and Mary starts to read again. Later that night, Charles is sitting in the common room contemplating when he hears Jack barking. He goes outside to investigate and Jack stops and lies down once he sees Charles. Charles looks up and notices Laura looking out the window. She closes the shutters as Pa goes for a walk. We can see Caroline kneeling by the bed praying.