Sylvia 1/10

1981 – Albert falls in love with a 14-year-old, unaware she is the victim of rape.

Let me just start by saying that this episode (a two-parter!) is the inspiration for this blog. For reals.

We’re flipping through the automotive section of the mercantile catalog as this episode begins. Look at those wooden axles! I need to replace mine since I tried to ford the river and killed my ox and my sister. Stupid trail. Whoever is flipping the pages stops at the “fallen womb” and “hysteria unguents” section. Mrs. Oleson? Oh, it’s Willie who is browsing and his eyes grow wide as he runs off with the catalog to his waiting friends. They all run up the stairs to Willie’s room. “Yeah, women’s understuff!” says one of the boys. One of the other boys is less impressed with this whacking material, since they are drawings instead of photos. I’m not sure if boudoir shots have been invented yet, son. Albert is there as well and seems bored by the whole thing.

“Let’s go over to Sylvia’s house and peek!” suggests the porn critic. The other boy is down with that plan while Willie is still captivated with the girdle sketches. Albert doesn’t move either, leading to the critic calling Albert chicken. Albert ambivalently agrees to join the other boys, but Willie decides to stay home. As soon as the boys leave, Willie waits about two seconds and runs off to join them. Before they leave, Nels steps into the scene to let Willie know that he needs to stay until Mrs. Oleson comes home. Willie lies about an important nature study school assignment. Nels is okay with this, and let’s the horndogs run off. Music reminiscent of “The Bunnyhop” starts to play. Continuing with the rabbit theme, maybe? I don’t know.

The boys are now in the yard of some house and sneak over to an open window. As they all peek through the window, we get an extensive play-by-play: Sylvia is putting sheets on the bed. That’s it. As Willie whines about the lack of a show, someone yells at the boys asking what they are doing. The boys run off but on the way Albert drops the pile of books he’s carrying and is grabbed by Sylvia’s dad. Is that Lee Marvin playing Mr. Webb? He is barely holding Albert, yet the kid is unable to struggle his way loose as he denies the peeping. Sylvia’s dad isn’t buying it and threatens to cut a switch. Awesome. Albert apologizes, but the old man still wants to teach the young man a lesson.

Before he can do that, Mrs. Oleson rides by demanding that Albert be released. As she pulls to a stop, Albert finally fights his way loose. “Go boy! Run!” screeches Harriet. Sylvia’s dad is pissed, especially when Mrs. Oleson gets all high and mighty about protecting Albert from getting hit. Of course when she finds out that Albert was peeping, she does a full 180 and is disgusted by that Ingalls boy. Mr. Webb also mentions that Willie was part of the Peeping Posse, to Harriet’s disbelief. Of course, he was able to describe what Willie was wearing so Mrs. Oleson hightails it home. Albert’s books are still on the ground.

Harriet runs into the Mercantile and checks with Nels to see if Willie is home. Nels says that he is, causing his wife to believe that Mr. Webb was mistaken about Willie being a peeper. Nels corrects himself saying that Willie just got home from a nature study, which shocks and I think grosses out Harriet. “Boys will be boys,” excuses Nels. “My son will not be a boy!” exclaims Harriet. Well, if that is what you want at least Willie has the female undergarments page already bookmarked. She runs upstairs.

As Harriet screeches “Willie!” as she goes up the stairs to his room, he hides in the corner behind where the door would open. She barges in, sees her son and then whacks him on the head with her hat. That is not a euphemism. “How could you be a peeping Tom?” Mrs. Oleson demands. “I couldn’t: my name’s Willie.” She hits him over the head again, not amused with the wordplay. He swears he didn’t see anything, not even her toes. That’s…uncomfortable. I think we know a little too much about Willie’s…predilections, shall we say? Harriet sits down, relieved that Willie didn’t see…see…“the difference!” Of course, Willie is so uninformed that he didn’t even know there was a difference. Geez, even abstinence only sex ed covers that. Anyway, Harriet wants to know why they picked Sylvia’s house. Willie isn’t too sure at first, but then says that the girl is “sorta grown up.” This mortifies Harriet. How dare that girl enter puberty? “She teases the boys, is that it?” she asks. Willie answers, somewhat noncommittally. That’s all the information Mrs. Oleson needs.