Sylvia 2/10

The next day at school, a girl walks over to Albert and hands him some books. Oh, this must be Sylvia. I think the best way to describe her would be “fourteen-year-old extra on Little House on the Prairie”. He thanks her and apologizes about what happened. She brushes it off and it seems like things are settled. I think they’re totally crushing on each other so the conversation is very awkward.

Laura calls Sylvia from the stoop and asks the young girl to come into the schoolhouse. There’s a special meeting of the school board, which usually means that it is a meeting of the “special” school board. They want to talk to Sylvia, so you can probably guess what the topic du jour is. This week’s board is composed of Charles, Doc Baker, Nels, Harriet, and some townie. Harriet starts off the inquisition by saying that she has heard reports of things going on that have been deemed improper. Sylvia has no idea what Mrs. Oleson is talking about and apparently that has been Laura’s stance throughout the meeting. Harriet asks Sylvia why the boys were at Sylvia’s house. That’s like asking the money why it was in the bank that was robbed. Sylvia is having trouble following Mrs. Oleson’s logic and says that the boys were just being silly. Harriet doesn’t like this definition of silly at all.

Mrs. Oleson then asks the girl why the boys chose Sylvia’s house when there are so many other houses to choose from. It’s a leading question, which Harriet answers by accusing Sylvia of being a tease. There is so much that is absolutely disgusting about this scene. First off, it is apparent by the line of questioning that which ever girl was the unfortunate victim of Willie’s peeping would be subjected to this treatment. Also, it’s not like Sylvia is being an exhibitionist here. Looking at her I don't think she's a Hussy McSluterson, not that that is relevant anyway. She didn't consent to the peeping, so back of Harriet. As obnoxious as Mrs. Oleson is throughout the series, this is by far one of her worst moments and it makes me sick.

Charles finally intervenes, pointing out that the situation is turning into “he said she said”. Mrs. Oleson is bothered that Mr. Ingalls is on Sylvia’s side, despite Albert being “lured” to the girl’s house. Charles relates Albert’s version of the events and chalks everything up to natural curiosity. Harriet considers this condoning the boys’ actions, but Charles equates what happened with peeking around the swimming hole. “I certainly don’t remember any of the boys sneaking around the swimming pond when I was a girl.” Nels mutters something under his breath. Hey, Nels? You picked her. Remember that.

The consensus among everyone except Mrs. Oleson is that boys will be boys. Laura wants to start school and Doc Baker calls for the meeting to adjourn. Harriet storms off as the rest of the board files out. Laura apologizes to Sylvia and lets her ring the bell. Despite all the problems that have come up in the last day or so, that Sylvia is pretty well adjusted. I hope that lasts.

The bell starts to ring as we see the feet of kids scrambling to gather their things and enter the school house. We then get an extreme close up and pan across some flowers. The pan stops on someone’s eye. Uh-oh, that eye is aimed directly at Sylvia. And it does not blink.

After school, Sylvia is walking home with Albert and a couple other boys about forty feet behind her. She turns around, see the boys, and walks a bit faster. The boys start teasing Albert that Sylvia was making eyes at him. The porn critic thinks Sylvia has the hots for Albert and suggests peeking through her window again. Albert pushes the kid to get him to shut up. Albert walks away.

We now see Sylvia walking through a wooded area gathering some flowers. Serene music plays as birds chirp the day away. She arranges the flowers into a bouquet and stops when she hears some twigs cracking. She looks up, but doesn’t see anything. More twigs crack, so Sylvia gets up to investigate. She walks towards the sound and some birds fly out of the tree.

Sylvia smiles as the bluebirds fly away, but suddenly a gloved hand grabs her mouth. Ahhhhh! Whoever grabbed her has on a black hood and a creepy mime or clown mask covering their face. The mask doesn’t have eye holes either, so it looks like a disturbing hybrid of the comedy/tragedy masks. The attacker forces the bouquet out of Sylvia’s hand for maximum symbolism. Yikes. What makes it worse is that the Hallmark Channel thinks this is the best time for a bottom of the screen graphic advertising “another great episode” of Little House coming up next. Stay tuned.

Sylvia 1/10

1981 – Albert falls in love with a 14-year-old, unaware she is the victim of rape.

Let me just start by saying that this episode (a two-parter!) is the inspiration for this blog. For reals.

We’re flipping through the automotive section of the mercantile catalog as this episode begins. Look at those wooden axles! I need to replace mine since I tried to ford the river and killed my ox and my sister. Stupid trail. Whoever is flipping the pages stops at the “fallen womb” and “hysteria unguents” section. Mrs. Oleson? Oh, it’s Willie who is browsing and his eyes grow wide as he runs off with the catalog to his waiting friends. They all run up the stairs to Willie’s room. “Yeah, women’s understuff!” says one of the boys. One of the other boys is less impressed with this whacking material, since they are drawings instead of photos. I’m not sure if boudoir shots have been invented yet, son. Albert is there as well and seems bored by the whole thing.

“Let’s go over to Sylvia’s house and peek!” suggests the porn critic. The other boy is down with that plan while Willie is still captivated with the girdle sketches. Albert doesn’t move either, leading to the critic calling Albert chicken. Albert ambivalently agrees to join the other boys, but Willie decides to stay home. As soon as the boys leave, Willie waits about two seconds and runs off to join them. Before they leave, Nels steps into the scene to let Willie know that he needs to stay until Mrs. Oleson comes home. Willie lies about an important nature study school assignment. Nels is okay with this, and let’s the horndogs run off. Music reminiscent of “The Bunnyhop” starts to play. Continuing with the rabbit theme, maybe? I don’t know.

The boys are now in the yard of some house and sneak over to an open window. As they all peek through the window, we get an extensive play-by-play: Sylvia is putting sheets on the bed. That’s it. As Willie whines about the lack of a show, someone yells at the boys asking what they are doing. The boys run off but on the way Albert drops the pile of books he’s carrying and is grabbed by Sylvia’s dad. Is that Lee Marvin playing Mr. Webb? He is barely holding Albert, yet the kid is unable to struggle his way loose as he denies the peeping. Sylvia’s dad isn’t buying it and threatens to cut a switch. Awesome. Albert apologizes, but the old man still wants to teach the young man a lesson.

Before he can do that, Mrs. Oleson rides by demanding that Albert be released. As she pulls to a stop, Albert finally fights his way loose. “Go boy! Run!” screeches Harriet. Sylvia’s dad is pissed, especially when Mrs. Oleson gets all high and mighty about protecting Albert from getting hit. Of course when she finds out that Albert was peeping, she does a full 180 and is disgusted by that Ingalls boy. Mr. Webb also mentions that Willie was part of the Peeping Posse, to Harriet’s disbelief. Of course, he was able to describe what Willie was wearing so Mrs. Oleson hightails it home. Albert’s books are still on the ground.

Harriet runs into the Mercantile and checks with Nels to see if Willie is home. Nels says that he is, causing his wife to believe that Mr. Webb was mistaken about Willie being a peeper. Nels corrects himself saying that Willie just got home from a nature study, which shocks and I think grosses out Harriet. “Boys will be boys,” excuses Nels. “My son will not be a boy!” exclaims Harriet. Well, if that is what you want at least Willie has the female undergarments page already bookmarked. She runs upstairs.

As Harriet screeches “Willie!” as she goes up the stairs to his room, he hides in the corner behind where the door would open. She barges in, sees her son and then whacks him on the head with her hat. That is not a euphemism. “How could you be a peeping Tom?” Mrs. Oleson demands. “I couldn’t: my name’s Willie.” She hits him over the head again, not amused with the wordplay. He swears he didn’t see anything, not even her toes. That’s…uncomfortable. I think we know a little too much about Willie’s…predilections, shall we say? Harriet sits down, relieved that Willie didn’t see…see…“the difference!” Of course, Willie is so uninformed that he didn’t even know there was a difference. Geez, even abstinence only sex ed covers that. Anyway, Harriet wants to know why they picked Sylvia’s house. Willie isn’t too sure at first, but then says that the girl is “sorta grown up.” This mortifies Harriet. How dare that girl enter puberty? “She teases the boys, is that it?” she asks. Willie answers, somewhat noncommittally. That’s all the information Mrs. Oleson needs.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 5/5

Another school day on the prairie as Ms. Wilder enters to address the students. Some whimsical harmonica music is playing and it turns out to be Bart. Hehe, nice touch. Anyway, the announcement is that after the class projects are graded Ms. Wilder will be out the door. “I will miss all of you very much,” she says. “Or should I say, I will miss some of you.” She dismisses the class with these parting words: “I apologize, not only for myself but for the school board who allowed themselves to be bullied by a wealthy fool.” Bart doesn’t like the sound of that and stops playing. “You watch what you say about my Pa,” he threatens. “How did you know I was talking about your father?” Ms. Wilder asks. “Was it the word ‘wealthy’ or the word ‘fool’?” Ooo, snap, crackle and pop, Eliza! This gets a hearty and well-deserved laugh from the class. Wah-wah music plays as Bart follows the class out of the school.

As the Ingalls kids walk home with Clarence, Laura is keeping a lookout for Bart. Now might be a good time to point out that Carrie only seems to pop in and out when it is convenient. I don’t know why she isn’t with them now. Anyway, as soon as Laura spots Bart, she hands some tablets to Albert. Bart storms forward saying “You thought Ms. Wilder was real funny, didn’t you?” Laura says she did, but he was addressing Shorty, er, Albert, who is now foaming at the mouth. Albert pretends to spaz out and Laura goes to comfort him. She warns Bart that making Albert mad isn’t a good idea and sassing Ms. Wilder is bad for business. “He loves her. He loves her more than anything in the whole world. He’d even die for her.” Way to oversell it, half-pint. “Or kill,” Clarence adds. Bart actually starts to fall for this, but also suggests that maybe Albert has The Rabies (not the indefinite variety, either). Laura takes Albert away as Clarence and Bart look on. The big “kid” forces the little kid to tell him what’s going on. Clarence sells the story about Albert being a werewolf. Bart doesn’t fully buy it at first, “There aren’t any werewolves in Minnesota.” Yeah, those beasts are only in Wisconsin and the Chicago suburbs. Clarence seals the deal by giving Bart the copy of Ms. Wilder’s book. He also tells the bully that he can see the transformed version of Albert that night at the Ingalls’ barn.

That night Laura is babysitting and keeping watch for Bart. She summons Carrie to feed Grace and keep watch while she and Albert take care of business. Laura also tells Carrie to stay in the house. We then get treated to a scene of Carrie trying to feed the Raccoon: “Grace eat c’mon Grace eat Graaaace eat c’mon Grace eat c’mon or I’ll tell.” To recreate the effect at home, set up two blocks of wood so that one is shoving a bottle into the face of the other all while a rubber balloon is slowly deflating.

In the barn, Laura is putting the finishing touches on Albert’s disguise. A short while later, Clarence and Bart arrive. Laura exits the barn and asks what those two are doing. She doesn’t seem all that surprised that they are there, which is one of many tells that this probably isn’t going to work. She feigns outrage towards Clarence for spreading the Ingalls’ secret which is followed by Albert howling. This gets Bart’s attention. Laura checks to make sure that Bart wants to see this, and he agrees. She unlocks the barn door and beckons for Bart. Albert is chained to the wall and lunges for Bart. The “kid” flinches. Albert then breaks his chains and chases Bart out of the barn. Clarence trips Bart as he bolts out the door, giving Albert an opportunity to catch up. He grabs the papier-mache rock and lifts it above his head. Bart pleads with Albert and Laura. She tells him that Albert will stop only if Bart will do what the were-kid wants. Bart agrees. Laura’s demands include behaving in school, apologizing to Ms. Wilder and being nice. It’s not the most compelling list of demands but you can’t be too greedy.

At this point, Carrie comes out of the house asking for Laura to come inside. The elder Ingalls tries to shoo the younger girl away, but Carrie whines that the Raccoon isn’t eating. “And Albert,” she continues, “what are you doing with that paper rock you made?” Maybe this is why you aren’t invited anywhere, blabbermouth. Bart figures out what is going on and proceeds to wail on Albert. Yeah, you’d better run inside, Carrie.

The next morning, Laura and Carrie are still arguing over the bungling of the hoax. Albert breaks up the fight by saying it was nobody’s fault. Yikes. He’s starting to look a bit like Two-Face. “I guess there’s just not much a person can do alone,” Albert says, talking about what to do with Bart now. A light bulb goes off for Laura and she tells her siblings they need to get to school before the bully does. She and Carrie run off, but Albert is carrying his rock and needs to readjust before taking off.

When the kids arrive at the school, Laura runs up the steps and starts to ring the bell. After the students gather, she calls Albert up to the stoop so everyone can see what Bartholomew did to his face. “We’re losing a good teacher because of the same Bartholomew,” she says. “There isn’t anything anyone can do,” complains Willie, “he’s too big.” Laura nods and says, “There isn’t anything any one can do, but there’s plenty all of us can do.” Nothing like a Norma Rae moment to start the day. It would probably be taken more seriously if someone didn’t make a creepy clown face as their papier-mache project.

Showdown music starts to play as the Slater wagon approaches the schoolhouse. Mr. Slater heads into the Mercantile where we see the Wilders picking up some supplies. Ooh, it is a tense transaction with Mrs. Oleson. Meanwhile, Bart is walking over to the school. All the children are standing as a wall as the “kid” approaches. He struts over, papier-mache crocodile in hand, and comments on Albert’s eye. Laura tells Bart that she expects him to keep the promises he made the night before. “Who’s gonna make me?” he asks. The kids circle around Bart then collectively lunge at him. Oh good, they’re instilling angry mob justice at the grade school level. No hooligan left behind! Even the five year old girls are getting that gnashing in.

Ms. Wilder and Almanzo run out of the Mercantile when they hear the commotion. Mr. Slater is quick to follow. When he sees what’s going on he tries to rush over, but Manly stops him. “You’re the one who told me grown ups should let kids handle things on their own,” Almanzo tells Slater. As the camera zooms in on the mob, I can’t help but think of that scene in Galaxy Quest where the child-like aliens attack and gore their limping comrade.

Later that day, Ms. Wilder is hanging some clothes in the cloakroom. Bart is pretty roughed up as he walks up to Ms. Wilder. He apologizes and promises to behave himself. Ms. Wilder is speechless until the kids, who are all really roughed up, tell her to accept. I have a feeling there will be another school board meeting in the near future. Then they group hug, with Bart sitting off by himself.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 4/5

Laura and Albert are in their jammies sitting on a bed, deep in thought. They’re also mourning Ms. Wilder’s departure. Laura’s sympathy is a little stretched as she knows that if Ms. Wilder leaves, so will Almanzo. Poor Laura. They decide they need to come up with a plan, but nothing is jumping to mind. They go to sleep.

The next day, Laura meets up with Almanzo outside the post office. She acts like she just found out about Ms. Wilder and he confirms the story. He also acknowledges that if Eliza leaves, he’ll be leaving Walnut Grove, too. They share a moment. Where’s Chris Hanson?

As Manly drives away, Albert runs up to Laura with some news. He has a copy of the werewolf book Ms. Wilder showed in class. They go through a lengthy and annoying deductive proof that eventually results in a plan to scare Bart with a werewolf. Even Laura is skeptical about this, but Albert pulls her along to his secret lab of buffoonery.

Oh, so the papier-mache stuff from earlier was relevant. The Raccoon waddles up to Laura and Albert who are working on a large mold. “What on Earth is that?” asks the Raccoon robotically. Strange, she sounds a little like Caroline. Oh, it was Caroline from off-screen. Albert says it is a project for school, specifically a rock. Caroline is a little skeptical of the artistic merit and practicality of a papier-mache rock, but she let’s the kids continue their work.

What follows is a semi-montage of supply gathering. They are cutting up something in the woodshed, maybe rope of some sort. We then see Laura trim off the beard of a man sleeping on a porch. We don’t get a good look of the before, but considering how much hair she chopped off it could not have been good. He looks alright now, though a little groggy. The Ingalls run off before Beardo realizes what happened.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 3/5

Caroline is laughing at something as she takes some clothes off the line outside the Ingalls’ house. She notices that Albert, Laura and Carrie are home from school early. As they recap the morning’s events for Ma, Grace the Raccoon ambles to the laundry basket, retrieves a doll, and scurries away not unlike Gollum. After hearing the details, Caroline tells the kids to watch the Raccoon as she speaks to Pa about what’s going on.

We see Charles walking up to the schoolhouse. Ms. Wilder is sitting in the front row crying. She looks pretty put together for someone who has supposedly been crying for at least an hour. She sees Mr. Ingalls and tries to sputter out what happened. Charles tries to comfort her, but she says she can’t cope with Bart. He asks if Ms. Wilder has tried to talk to Mr. Slater, but she rehashes their one-way conversation/threat from earlier. Charles commiserates for a bit then heads over to the Slater Compound for a sit down with Papa Bart. As he leaves, Ms. Wilder confides that she needs the teaching job. Charles says he understands, but that the students need an education. I guess that is the polite, turn-of-the-century Minnesota way of saying “suck it up, lady.” She seems to catch his drift.

Over at Casa de Slater, Mr. Slater is not really receptive to anything Charles has to say. Apparently dad is taking Bart’s interpretation of events as the reality of the situation. This time, Ms. Wilder sent Bart to the corner, stood up too fast and knocked her own chair over, startling herself. That’s not even a good lie. Charles challenges this, but Mr. Slater says that he’ll believe his own son over the word of a stranger. I guess that’s why the year on Bart’s birth certificate looks like it has been erased and rewritten a couple of times. We then find out that Bart was hiding inside the barn the conversation took place in front of and he overheard everything. A self-satisfied smile crosses his face.

Almanzo is livid as Charles breaks the news to him and Eliza. Almanzo says he’ll discipline the kid himself, but Charles talks him down. Awww. He suggests leaving it up to the school board, but Eliza refuses. She’s not sure what her plan will be, but as she tries to formulate one a schoolyard rhyme is being yelled at the Wilder house. Eliza leaps up, runs to the door and sees that it’s Bart. “See you at school, Eliza Jane,” he yells as he runs away. Almanzo is about to pound the “kid’s” face in, but Eliza stops him. Instead, she agrees to the school board meeting.

Uh-oh. The school board consists of Nellie, Harriet, Doc Baker and Charles. Wait, if two people from the same family can be on the board, why isn’t Caroline there? Or Nels? At least they would bring some sanity to the proceedings. Also, four people? I guess ties protect the status quo but that seems a little unproductive. Anyway, Harriet raises the point that Mr. Slater has pledged a lot of money to the school fund drive and that expelling Bart will likely cancel that pledge. Why do I get the feeling that it was actually Mrs. Slater who made the pledge? Just a hunch. Charles states that if Bart sticks around, the school won’t function so the pledge money won’t do much good anyway. Mrs. Oleson is concerned that since Mr. Slater is such a big wheel in Walnut Grove that he could take his business elsewhere. Charles is okay with that conclusion, not wanting to sacrifice principle for profit. Nellie bitchily chimes in that if Ms. Wilder can’t control the class they should hire someone else and that they should now vote on the matter. The vote goes 2-2, so Bart gets to stay. Ms. Wilder leaves the schoolhouse defeated.

The Werewolf of Walnut Grove 2/5

As Albert and Laura are walking home from school, Bart forces himself into helping Laura carry her books. She puts up a pretty good fight, but Albert steps in by telling “Bartholomew” to stop. “Don’t call me Bartholomew, shorty,” he responds. Albert, who is one-third the size of the new “kid” counters with “Don’t call me shorty, Bar-thol-o-meeeew,” then shoves the bully away. Sidebar: a few years later there’s an episode where Albert is revealed to be a morphine addict. I wonder if he got hooked on the stuff as a result from all the cruisin’ for bruisin’ that he evidently enjoys engaging in.

Anyway, Bart punches Albert squarely across the face and knocks him to the ground. Laura sees an opportunity to jump on Bart’s back to pull him away, but since he is more man than child (at least 90/10) he is still able to go after Albert. Almanzo, who is at work, can see the commotion and runs over to help. He struggles to pull Laura off of Bart and also Bart off of Albert. Bart tells him to butt out, causing Almanzo to ask if he really wants to fight with a girl. The bully says he was fighting Albert and Almanzo points out that the kid is half Bart’s size. It might be fair to point out that Bart is about the same size, if not a tad bigger, than Almanzo. “You’re not!” Bart says as he reels up a punch. Almanzo blocks him and gives the “kid” a solid gut shot. Almanzo sends the crowd home then gets his flirt on with Laura and her pigtail. Ick. He also takes a look at Albert’s eye and predicts a beauty of a shiner. As the Ingalls kids walk away, Bart yells at Albert “I’m gonna get you, shorty.” Albert almost engages again, but Laura pulls him back.

On the trail to the homestead, Laura is going on about Almanzo’s surplus awesomeness. Albert whines about how he didn’t need to be rescued, but Laura decides to razz Albert about it instead. They try to figure out what to tell Ma and Pa about Albert’s eye which turns into a lengthy discussion about lies of omission versus boldface lies. It’s not interesting filler. Somehow it works around to Albert needing to use his brains to beat Bart rather than his non-brawn. Laura warns him not to get his brains knocked out by Bart.

The next day Almanzo is dropping off his sister at the school when Mr. Slater intercepts them. He’s pissed. “WILDER! You hit my boy, yesterday.” Almanzo claims self-defense, but Mr. Slater says that Bart said that Almanzo started the fight for no reason. His name ain’t Tracy, Mr. Slater. Anyway, Almanzo calls bullshit and tries to explain what really happened. Mr. Slater cuts Manly off, saying that children fight amongst themselves so they should handle it. Almanzo says that doesn’t work when one of the kids involved is bigger than most grown men. At least this clears up whether Bart’s size was intentional or a grievous mistake from central casting. Mr. Slater says that he will take care of disciplining his child, and Almanzo tells him to get started. Ooooh, buuuurrrrrn. Slater says Bart behaves at home and that it’s the teacher’s job to make sure he behaves at school. “If you can’t Ms. Wilder, maybe the school board can find someone who can.” Oh dear.

During class, Ms. Wilder is writing something on the board when Bart starts a wadded paper fight with a couple other kids. She restores order then asks Albert to come up to the front and solve the math problem on the board. As he walks up Bart grabs the back of Albert’s suspenders and flings him backwards. Ms. Wilder asks Bart to stop. As Albert does the math, Bart places something on Albert’s seat. Apparently Mary isn’t the only blind one in the family as Laura doesn’t notice. Clarence tries to say something, but Ms. Wilder tells him to be quiet.

Albert completes the division problem without showing his work, which impresses Ms. Wilder. He goes to sit down and lands on a tack. Clarence pipes in that it was Bart who did it. Bart turns around, grabs the kid, lifts him up, and I think is about to unhinge his jaw to devour the poor boy before Ms. Wilder tells him to stand in the corner. “My pa ain’t gonna like this,” he says. She corrects his grammar and repeats her demand. As he moves towards the corner, he throws Ms. Wilder’s chair to the ground. I guess he’s preparing his monologue for his intro theater class at the community college. This startles Ms. Wilder and she commands Bart to pick up her chair. “Pick it up yourself,” he sneers. She tries for an ultimatum, but Bart calls her bluff before she gets to the “or else”. Ms. Wilder tries to regain her composure as she begins her lesson on decimals. She’s overwhelmed, decimated even, and decides to dismiss class. The kids file out. As Bart leaves, Ms. Wilder starts crying. She’s not really doing much for the harsh schoolmistress stereotype.